Take Back This City

I'll make this fast because I have to keep this on the DL and I'm sitting in my Aunt's living room.

Plans for New Year's:

- Party with my cousin Chesna and her friends, which will mean I get some booze

- Chilling with my cousin at her place, which means I will get high with some leftover pills I found

- Chilling with everyone at my aunt and uncle's place, "

I wish I was home to go chill with all of my friends, they all get to go off and party, while I'm stuck with my family. But, no matter, I'll do what I do.

I miss the city. People keep asking me when I'm going to be there next. I really don't know, the only definite is on January 17th for a show, and then on January 31 for another show. I'm thinking about getting together with people sooner, maybe like the 10th or the 24th, one or the other.

I don't know, I'm in the mood to get high and ride the train into the city. Listening to X-Ray Spex and ready to wander the East Village. Man, I'm ready to get back. It's been too long. I need that. I need to crash on someone's couch and wake up to a cup of coffee with half a bowl of sugar in it and some really salty eggs and toast. Playing sudoku and guitar and rambling about boring shit. Making promises that were never serious, even before I said them. Haha, it's the kind of weekends I love.

Well, I'm going to try and come up with some New Year's resolutions. = )

Have a splendid New Year's Eve guys!

Let's hope that 2009 is better than 2008! = )

Love,

Lucy

Oh Shit!

My stomach... feels like... SHIT. Okay, so my stomach does what it wants. This is bad because personally, I like crapping. Not like, I enjoy, but I prefer it over not crapping (sorry this is kind of inappropriate dinner-conversation, not that we're having dinner, but you know). The problem is that me and laxatives don't work. You see, I learned this in the hospital, now, obviously, it's worse when you load me up with opiates for multiple days and then it's like, "what the fuck were you thinking?" So, there I just stopped taking their shit for a day, and then it all worked, but my 3 days of laxatives made me sick for the next two days. Today, after taking the laxatives the night before last, I can still feel my stomach just like gurgling and rumbling and ready to explode... Probably my fault for getting high on Monday night, but I don't know if I am quite sold on that... Whatever the case maybe, my stomach is being a bitch.

I am supposed to be finishing all of my supplements for colleges this week because my UofC one is due on January 2nd, and then two are due on January 15th (I've already written one), and then the last one (which I have already written) is due on February 1st. That's the last 4 out of 12. Yeah, I went a bit crazy on the applying to colleges bit, but whatever, when I'm done and accepted to multiple schools (which is definitely the most likely thing), I'll be able to relax.

I'm psyched about getting back to New York. I saw my cousin ('s cousin, but they're just referred to as my cousins because I see them every year), and he and his boyfriend live in Queens together. I told them that we're definitely going to dinner in January some time. They're really cool and it's nice to be friends with people who are far over 21. Also, I have to hang out with Tanzen and this new kid who likes me Alec (even though I'm dating Zack, it doesn't mean I can't hang out with guys, I'm not going to do anything with Alec - I'm too jealous to do that kind of shit to someone else). Anyway, I was hoping to get nice and high and roll into New York and hang with Tanzen and go to a diner and some stores and then wander back to her house in a good mood. However, if we are in the companies of "adults," then I'm going to see about getting us some whiskey. I love it. I love whiskey. My brand is Jameson - NOT Jack Daniels (mostly because I can't drink Jack straight, while I can drink Jameson straight... Jack Daniels tastes like shit to me).

I can hear my families making food in the other room. I can feel my stomach cramping up. I don't want to move. I've been really thinking about time and shit. Where I was last year at this time. I had just gotten out of the hospital two months prior at the end of October, I had to lie out of my teeth to a therapist so that my enjoyment of needles didn't get outed to my parents (oh yeah, I'm a dumbass... I have like panic attacks and shit about that whole incident.... terrible bull shit), and I was still digging a needle through the fresh scar on my left arm... Now, I have a much older scar, an incident that still gives me panic attacks, and no track marks for a little under a year. I guess, I'm doing well. I don't know. I keep thinking about New Year's resolutions like: No more drugs. But I know how unrealistic that is. I'm going to play it by ear. I'm trying to convince my mother to let me go on a roadtrip across country this summer and see all the things that I've never seen (Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Pacific Ocean (I've only seen it in Australia and New Zealand), etc.). This would keep me away from drugs for a whole, well, however long it takes, a few weeks at least. And maybe it will give me some insight.

I don't know, breakfast is going to be ready, and I want to read other people's blogs, so I'm going to stop. Have a good sunday guys, don't get too cold... = )

Love,

Lucy

Dum Dum Boys

What I've realized is that I want to talk about something. That is my friends.

I've realized as I've watched other teenagers either slip into addiction or down the path to addiction that it is much easier to become addicted than to watch someone become addicted. Seeing my friends and hearing them talk I know what is occurring. Lauren is slowly becoming a stoner who cannot get a G to last her a week, if she has a 1.5 Gs she gets nervous. I sit here, the kid who would much rather you giver her a new needle than a new pair of shoes (though I really like the shoes my mom gave me, not gonna lie, they're fresh and they make her happy). Maya and her friends, including Laura, are/were running down the path towards serious addiction. The kind that can, and has, killed stronger people. I watch this and it sickens me. I do shit and I keep it hidden. It's my little secret that I reveal to the few who can keep it, who see me as a teenager with a problem, rather than a someone with a problem that is a teenager. My secrecy means that people don't worry about me, besides the ones who know, and that makes me feel better about it in some ways. I don't want to worry my friends.

I remember last year seeing Maya in the atrium. Me, with my track marks hidden under long sleeves, and her with her greasey head. I was walking in one direction and her the other. I saw her unkempt appearance as an outward sign of her inner demons. Popping tylenol 3s, (they call them "tripCs," even the slang makes me laugh), which I am pretty sure will only escalate. What makes me laugh the most was how she bragged about it. I was at this New Years party last year, lying on the floor, eyes closed, trying to make sure I did not nod out on their floor. She's trying to boast about her drugs, and I begin to laugh. I'm attempting to contain my giggling, because everyone is going to be like, "why the fuck is Lucy laughing at Maya and her drugs? they're so hardcore..." She was saying something about how she didn't eat because they suppressed her appetite. My only thought was, "No... just shut up. You sound like an idiot. Are you trying to make yourself sound like an addict? I'm pretty sure I can win that competition..."

Even if my feelings towards Maya are kind of, well, hostile, I still felt bad. I've known Maya since we were in 6th grade together. Here she is now, a fucking 12th grader, and we're discussing if she's still in rehab. (No one knew if she was still in it, we were discussing if she was getting help and shit... just the average lunchtime conversation, right?)

I don't like watching my friends in pain. I wish I could heal it. I wish I could make them see themselves like I see them, as strong young women, who have really grown up. We all have, and it's weird to see it now how different we all are. I can be an addict, I can think it in my head, I have trouble verbalizing it, but I can say it if I have to -- it doesn't bother me as much as seeing my friends really fucked up. Them looking really wasted can kill my buzz because then I just feel bad. I feel guilty, like I'm a part of their decline. I don't want to be that.

I am protective of my friends because they are my family. I would do anything for most of them. I would beat the shit out of anyone who fucked with them, I would back them up if a teacher hassled them, I would do whatever it takes -- my friends are my life. I don't want them to be in pain.

My head feels heavy and pressurized, I need to lay down because I have a bad headache. I guess it's from getting high, I used to get bad headaches a lot. I would use for a week daily and then stop on the weekends and I would get terrible headaches. Then sometimes they would occur while I was getting high.

I don't know, I need to lay down and let my head rest.

Sister Midnight

Instructions:

Step 1) Get yourself into that right kind of mood...
Step 2) Lay down somewhere comfortable, probably a bed.

Step 3) Listen to this song.

Step 4) Nod out. = )

Victory

From the mind of your favorite 17 year old who has a taste for the opiates and punk... who else would it be? ; )

So, yesterday was my Lauren's 18th birthday and we were all hanging out. Well, I'll start from the beginning. I got over there around 1 p.m. and we went out to get stoned and go sledding. We smoked in the woods as we walked over to this giant hill... It was the longest walk of my life. Seriously, it was crazy. And me being only the occasional weed smoker, and it being shitty New York Diesel crap, I was barely high unless I really relaxed my mind. Well, we sledded a few times, I had to watch Lauren and make sure she didn't die, her and her stoner self were out in la la land. The funny thing I can remember is we're walking down the path in the woods back to her house and I am talking and in my head I sound exactly like this drummer I know John, and my mannerism's are like his... so bizzarre. I was him for a good like what felt like an hour, so probably 5 minutes, haha.

So, finally, we get back and I'm in an okay state of affairs. Glad that I didn't pop any hydros before I came because I would have been far more inclined to lay around and just talk then fucking walking for hours. Helen shows up, she's always really entertaining, so I was glad when she came. We watched Happy Gilmore but the weed sent me to sleep, so I barely remember any part of that time. I really just slept. Nina got there and then we went outside and her and Lauren smoked while Helen and I hung out in front (I figured I was fine, and not in the mood to smoke with the stoners). I kinda yelled at Nina for being an asshole to me, she got all offended and shit. Anyway, they were sledding, and I was supervising, making sure the stoners didn't hit the house... I'm just so mature and responsible (compared to them at least).

Other Nina showed up, and we had to push her car to get it into a parking space because of all of the snow. Well, Nina wanted to smoke. So, Helen left, and then the rest of us all went to smoke. Suddenly I was VERY high. We smoked later and I was VERY VERY VERY high. Then we started to be fed beer by Lauren's older sister. Suddenly I'm tipsy and VERY VERY VERY high (on weed, which is weird for me, usually I'm just like high, or a bit high, but not like incapable of doing shit). I'm so high that when I close my eyes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and spinning and shit, yeah... seirously. Anyway, we go to bed, after many hours of retarded brain frying.

I wake up with the sun shining in on my face and I'm happy. I think Lauren woke up with a hangover, haha, she would be that much of a light weight. I felt so calm and happy to be alive. I was still feeling a tad bit of a residual high from all of the weed that had been pumped into my body. 

It's funny but I am really more of a "hard body" than most of my friends when it comes to shit. They used to joke about it a lot, it took me literally 4 months of smoking weed before I got REALLY high. I can drink more alcohol than my friends, which makes me a little happy... haha, it's the punk in me I swear. The reason that I've had drinks usually was because I was at shows, and all of the grey hairs I know drink SOOOOOOOOO much. It's ridiculous, and being their little teenage adopted child, I either get alcohol from them or watch them drink it. Either way, it really does play with my thought process. I find alcohol more appealing because of watching them, I really do want to be like them and I don't know why. Maybe because they're so cool, they know everyone and they just seem like the most awesome people ever. Is that dumb? I don't know, I don't know if it makes me lame or whatever. I do have to say one thing: it's nice to have people to look up to, to have heroes that you know, I'd never had that until I became part of the NYC Punk scene. I'm so proud too, NYHC! It's my family.

Well, I think I might be like kind of married to Zack, you should see us we're ridiculous. We're such old people. We like decorated the tree today at my house and then we went shopping for presents and wrapped them. Then we like set the table and helped prepare the dinner. We watched Trainspotting tonight and Flight of the Conchords. Oh man, watching them take shots and I just kept flashing back... ugh, I fucking hate having shit I can't IV. Seriously, I love just sticking a needle in my arm... oh man, I am getting excited thinking about it.

Hmmm... well, I'm tired and ready for bed, I'm going to list out what I got for early Xmas here:

- Flaming Lips CD - Zack

- 100 bucks - Grandma = )

- peacoat/jacket thingy - Mom

- dress - Mom

- sweatshirt - Mom

- shirt - Mom

- new pair of Vans - Mom

- Loafass CD - Mom

- Germs "(MIA)" - Mom (I had some of the songs, but not all of them... it makes me soooooo happy)

- belt - Mom

- The Who poster - Mom

It was so much fun, and I really had a great time with my fam and especially Zack. We're so ridiculous together. One annoying thing: he came, ate my food, got to see me model my clothes, and watch trainspotting, and I got no kiss... What the fuck? I'm going to have to smack the boy.

; )

Well, guys, I'll catch ya'll on the flipside!

- Lucy

Cleanliness is Godliness... and God is Empty....

(Now, the title is from a Smashing Pumpkins song. I don't really like them that much, I just know like three songs... but I felt like making that the title. Got a problem? ; )

Today is a snow day, which means I have time to blabber about my life and shit lately. My posts have been far and few between because of: A) applying to college, B) going to shows every weekend, and C) I haven't been high on ANYTHING for... well, since the wednesday before Thanksgiving, which is like 3 weeks. This kind of unintentional... kind of. In fucking February, I won't have shot up in a year... fuck, and I hate it. Because I love it. I do. Haha, I was thinking about that in the car yesterday (I love being a passenger in cars, I just sit and listen to calm music like Billy Joel (yes, I love it), and think about everything). It kind of upsets me in a way I can't put my finger in. I mean, sure I love the drugs, we all know that. I miss the action close to as much as when I don't have drugs... I kind of wanted to clean up my act for the New Year, no drugs, foreeeeeeeeeever. But I know that's not going to happen, haha, who am I really kidding here? Obviously not myself.

The other weekend, Tanzen and I were talking about shit, like we usually do. She told me that she lost her virginity like OVER the summer, and had not told me. Now, okay, so I don't want the details, that's not why I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I'm her friend who tells her anything and I feel bad when I don't tell her shit and she asks. Not that I asked about her losing her virginity, it's just like a lie by omission. She knows everything, and she kind of enjoys hearing about me and drugs and shit, as far as I can tell at least. So, we've made up this policy: full disclosure, for me she can ask me anything about drugs (she made me fucking list out the drugs I had done, haha, and in my mind I thought, "this isn't fucking humiliating," and then started to say shit) and I can ask her anything about her fucking guys.

My biggest problem with her fucking people is that: A) these guys are terrible, I know them, they're not attractive, nice, or even good people (that was my first problem with it), and B) I think she thinks it's a means to an ends of dating. I don't know, I love Tanzen, and I feel protective over her, even if I'm a dumbass and do a lot of retarded shit with my body. But, I don't believe I can die, because I'm a teenager, and I have no brain.

Speaking of me believing I can't die, a girl I know died this week. Really weird shit, because she was one I've talked about here before I think. 

Well, I give you her backstory: Last year, when she was a freshmen, she fell in with a few of my friends who were basically making themselves perfect candidates for future crackheads (I mean that literally), and so they all began to try any drug they could get their hands. This led to many of them getting sent to inpatient and outpatient rehab. She got sent into inpatient rehab for like multiple months, came home for two weeks, and then got sent right back. I remember, last year, we were all sitting at lunch and she would sit with us. She was talk about getting the results of a drug test back, and it came up positive for: opiates, cannabis, and PCP... and then she says to us, "But, guys, can someone tell me what PCP is?" I was about to start laughing, but I managed to keep my mouth shut and focus on my food. Apparently, she ODed on 'Trip C's'... Of all the drugs to die from, CODEINE. Now, having personally never tried codeine, but knowing that it's the low man on the totem pole, here are my two theories: A) the acetaminophen in tylenol3s, as in all products, can kill you if you take too much because your liver cannot process it fast enough, which means that she most likely really ODed on tylenol (haha, I know my shit man, I'm still a nerd at heart), or B) she somehow managed to get a LOT of codeine. But, the first part is obviously more likely, which is sad. I'm thinking about going to her wake, because in some ways, I did know her and she seemed like a nice person. If anything, she was just a bit clueless about life, which is sad. 

I've been pondering getting high today, here are my two concerns: 1... my friends wanted to go sledding really trashed, I think I'm being roped into smoking weed, and they want to drink too, so I have to choose. 2... I don't want to be nodding out on my Lauren's couch with her parents home, thinking, "what the fuck is wrong with Lucy?" Actually, it's Lauren's birthday today, she is turning the big ONE EIGHT, and so it would be kind of assholeish of me to get high before I go over... not that I haven't done it in the past, it just feels like a while.

Zack should be coming over and hanging out today, and I really can't wait. I really like him... it's kind of terrible. He likes me too, I know it, it's obvious. He has hair down to his waste, and I have like no hair, so it's a really funny pair that we make. We play guitar together, he even thinks my singing is good, haha, he obviously must like me because that's a hefty lie right there = ).

I'm leaving for TX on the 23, and I'm psyched for Xmas! It's going to be so much fun, I seriously cannot wait, but who can ever wait for Xmas? I can't wait to hang with my cousins, it's going to be great, they're my favorite people, EVER. Haha, family fun in TX, it's going to be great.

I'm doing well in school, I have an A+ in Statistics and LATIN. I've never gotten an A+ in Latin, so I kind of want to start praying to God or something, because he obviously had a hand in that. 

I've been going to shows for the past 5 weekends (besides one, which was my friend's birthday party in Brooklyn), which has meant me in NYC as well. I really am an NYC punk at heart, no question. I love my scene, it's the greatest place in the world. It's funny because I really do have so much NYHC pride, even though I'm from Jersey. You can all give me shit for that, but, taking Jordan's advice, I'd just tell you, "fuck off" and if you kept going well I'd probably say something like, "do you want to go?" And me being, so intimidating (lies...), you would be afraid and run in your little shiny boots. Haha, there is a girl and her crew that my friends and I have beef with. I HATE HER. She looks kind of like Chris Crocker, the one who was all LEAVE BRITENY ALONE! She's ugly as fuck and is such a little myspace whore. The funniest shit is she is bragging  about being friends with this guy Blackout Matt who is friends with everyone, and I was like, "haha, everyone is friends with him, you're not special." The funny thing is that all of these grey-hairs have adopted me as like their little teenage punk to look after. Seriously. They hang out with me at shows, some give me whiskey and beers, they give me their band's shit for free. Papa Jay is my adopted father, who gives me whiskey of course. I love him, he's so cool, and he supports all of my crazy creative shit I do. But, yeah, that girl can suck it. The only thing I worry about is that there's going to be a show on the 27th that I know her and her friends will be at. I won't be there because I'll be there, but my other friends will be. I don't want her messing with my friends, I get very mama tiger around my friends who are girls. Mostly because out of all of them I am the only one in the pit with the boys, the only one who could take a fight, who would take a fight. If she fucks with my friends, then it's on. No one can fuck with my friends and get away with it. Even if we fight and I get really fucked up, I'd rather that then her giving my friends shit.

BTW, I'm working on my chap book of poetry for the New Year, it should be fantastic (obviously). Haha, so, I'm sure that will be exciting. I'm trying to get more bands to let me read poetry at their shows, because it's so much fun. Yeah, I love it... I feel really cool when people call me "Lucy B." because that's like my name. Woah, I have a nickname in the NYC punk scene. Stop laughing, it's really cool to me! = ) Haha, I'm such a teenager.

Well, guys, merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Happy New Years! I'll be posting to y'all in the new year, if not sooner... with some resolutions, hopefully. = )

Check ya later!

Love from the East Coast! = )

- Lucinda!

HOT AND CRUSTY

If you've lived in or around NYC for any amount of time, then you've probably heard of HOT AND CRUSTY. The most disgustingly named bakery in the world, and the place where I met up with Jordan on Saturday. My heart kind of fluttered a little as he stood there, with his Islanders scarf and shiny-toed boots. We wandered over to the show, he made us get off at the wrong stop, I told him he was wrong, and then he turned around as me getting it wrong... DUMBASS. Anyway, we walked over to the show, which was so awkward, I can't stand it... I am SO FUCKING AWKWARD AAAAAAAH. Anyway... that was kind of terrible. He's adorable though, so it's all good. Two Man was sitting out in their van outside the show. Jordan knows them so well, and they had some extra beers and some extra seats, so we squeezed in. I felt kind of bad, I was hurting his leg when I was sitting on it. Jordan and I then went out and picked them up 2 sixers of those large cans, not a Tallboy, those are really freaking obvious, just like a slightly taller version of a regular can. At which point I remembered that old addage: PBR TASTES LIKE WEASEL PISS. It really does, the only reason people drink it is because it's cheap (7$ for a tall sixer) and it's beer. It's like water mixed with seltzer. Anyway, I finished almost the entire can, and then gave the rest to Jordan, who happily finished it. Meanwhile, my friends got into the van, and looked at me like I was weird. They get this look on their face whenever I have imbibed alcohol like: "Oh no, not this again... You better not be getting drunk."

After a bit we went in and saw the first two bands, which were okay. When the third band came on the pit really picked up though. Everyone was slamming and it was so much fun. Two Man came on and absolutely rocked it was killer. I wished they had played "Suck It Down," which would have been ironic for the venue which is: no fighting, no drinking, and no drugs. Anyway, then Deathcycle came on and that was great, besides me picturing my dad, which got me in a bad mood... Some good people showed up, which was great. My favorite adults, besides a few, were all there. This woman who is friends with a good friend of mine kept trying to get me to dance, which I did NOT want to do. I don't dance. It's not my style. Some guy picked me up and started to spin me around, and so I picked up my feet... It was so much fun! Even falling wasn't that bad, I didn't really notice until the floor was right there and people were pulling me up. It was a great show. I was the only girl, besides that woman, who was really IN the pit. Jordan was cute as always. If he could get his way he would fuck me, but he can dream. I don't know, I would date him, you know, and if I dated him I would fuck him. But I don't want to be some girl for him to fuck and then forget about. I'm not a big fan of being used as a tool. I woke up this morning in pain. Everything hurts. My ass hurts a lot from falling and my arms from pushing people in the pit. Jordan was trying to push people away from me for part of the time, and I just wanted to be like, "stop it, I've got this under control." = )

Chivalry ain't dead.

Later,

Lucy

P.S. I'm so glad to hear that Melody is back to being home and not dead... I was all sad. = (

P.P.S. Hot and Crusty is also ironic because the venue is thought of as a "crusty hang out" (if you don't understand what I just said, ask your friendly neighborhood punk).

P.P.P.S. I haven't been posting lately because of shit with school, when January comes I shall be back on just as much as before wasting my time and yours. = )

Why Can't I Touch It?

Ugh, I don't even want to go into everything that's going on right now.

1.) boy problems - Jordan is too old for me, but we're good friends. Zack is still just my bff, and that's how I want it. Anthony is still himself, which means I still like him a lot and he still sucks.

2.) applying to college - I just want to finish it. It's stressing me out and making me a bitch.

3.) my father - he's always fucked up. And then he acts like a dumbass and I don't want to hear it. Even my mother is tired of it. He's a freeloader, he's a fucker, and I hate him. I love him, but I want to be nothing like him.

I'll leave it at that. I just don't feel like thinking about it.

I hope Mel is okay. She's just amazing. Haha, the coolest girl on here by far. = )

Well, I'm going to go!

- Lucy

P.S. This is one of my favorite songs. 

"Why Can't I Touch It?" by the Buzzcocks

BTW, my friend told me that: "you cant touch it because u are awkward!!!"

Haha, it's probably true. = )

Seventeen

BREAKING NEWS:

Jordan said, "if I was 18, I would date you." Never stops to amaze me how many guys have said that to me. It's kind of sad, but okay. I figure it's probably partially because I am a virgin, which is a fine reason - I get it. He's going to help me find a guy my own age. Haha, he's a good guy and going to be a good friend... and I can always use more of those.

Anyway, I'm off to the city in a few minutes. I'm going to be "picking up the men" at the show today, as well as having a splendid time. Don't worry, you'll all get to enjoy that in detail on sunday night probably. = )

Have a great weekend!

I'm Too Good For You

WARNING: I'm about to go on the nod, so any delusions of grandeur that I may display in this post are chemically fueled, but some of them are probably totally true. = )

So, there is so much boy news I barely know where to begin...

For starters, I will say this: I'm not the greatest looking girl - I'm pretty average - but I swear, there is something about me that must make up for that fact, because I have so many options right now... it's almost ridiculous. = ) I'm going to list each boy by there name:

J - Okay, so I've been obsessing over him aaaaaaall week, and it's disturbing. I've decided to not talk to him until he texts or IMs me because I don't want to be ridiculously creepy. He's a hot, Jewish, 21 year old, skinhead... and no, I can't help myself, he's adorable and smart and funny and.... But, here's the thing, it all makes me nervous. I'm worried that it's either A) a joke or B) him trying to get into my pants. I hope that it's serious, I really like him, I don't want a serious boyfriend, but I'd like one who could take me out sometime or go to a show with me or someone that I could tend to their wounds after a fight... Anyway, it's a large predicament. We've been texting and IMing a lot, and there are a lot of signs that say he likes me but, older boys make me nervous. Out of all the guys, he is my goal. = )

Anthony - I broke up with him. It's been really weird because we still kind of act like we're dating. We see each other and give each other hugs, and stuff. I kind of miss him, I hope he can change so that we can date again. I'm just not going to be made into his last priority, no matter how much I like him. It's just not fair to me, and I can date guys who would give me more attention.

Zack - He's my BFFF... Haha, we've been chilling a lot and being idiots. We drove around and stole all of these Palin/McCain signs before the election. He also is slowly liking punk more and more. I already told him that he's going to prom with me = ). 

Here's our playlist for the car:

1. Broken Bones - The Freeze

2. I Hate Tourists - The Freeze

3. We're Not the Abnormal Ones - The Freeze

4. I'm Too Good For You - The Freeze

5. John Wayne Was a Nazi - MDC

6. Dick For Brains - MDC

7. I Hate Work - MDC

8. Slut - Charged G.B.H.

9. Spinal Remains - Misfits

10. Bullet - Misfits

11. Beat My Guest - Adam and the Ants

12. Mr. Right - Mickey Avalon

13. Jane Fonda - Mickey Avalon

Dillion - Dillion is an awesome guy, who I could definitely see myself with. He's in my statistics class and he's just so sweet. He's really like a big teddy bear and he listens to me complain and discuss all this shit in my life. I really like him, and I think he likes me... = )

Okay, so I guess what I'm saying is that I think I'm attractive... What the hell? I'm kind of surprised, ya know? That sounds conceited, but I don't mean physically, I mean mostly personality wise. It kind of makes me laugh because I mean think about this: I'm a nerdy girl, with glasses, a mohawk, doc martens, who goes to punk shows, with arthritis, who writes creepy dirty poetry, who likes the drugs a bit too much... AND I STILL GET THE MEN??? I have decided that I don't understand men at all, and I mostly don't trust them. My goal, being the angelic virgin that I am (that's actually true), is that when I do start having sex that I become really good at it. I feel like then I'd be the person that I want to be, I want to be this awesome girl, who goes to shows and all the people and bands know her, who can date most people she wants, who doesn't care what other people think, and who is great in bed... Haha, not that I'm going to get all of those things, but it would be nice. I just want a boy, whose cute, and funny, and smart, and a punk/skinhead... is that so hard to get?

Anyway, I haven't posted in like 5 days, so I'll catch you guys up on stuff besides the men... = )

So, my grades in school are amazingly stellar!

Stat = A

Environmental Science AP = A- (92)

Latin AP = A- (92)

English AP = B

Health/Gym = A

European History AP = B

I'm sure you're all very proud of me, just kidding... I don't know, it's funny but a lot of adults I know give me more props for my grades than my parents. If you would like to tell me how proud you are, feel free to do so, haha, everyone makes me feel like a shit head most of the time so it's nice to prove them wrong.

I have been procrastinating so much lately, it's ridiculous. I've been doing my homework marginally, I haven't even started studying for the SAT IIs in December, and I have barely made head way on my supplements for college (though I've finished the apps and teacher recommendation stuff). I don't know, maybe I don't deserve props, but whatever.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, like 4 hours of sleep for the past 5 or 6 nights. So, my decision to get high right now probably wasn't the best, but whatever. I should be doing homework, but I'll start sometime today... If I don't fall asleep, fuck, this just came on so strong. I think I should shower and try and see if that will keep me awake. I'm really hungry now too.

Anyway, I'll be gone tomorrow cause I'm going to a show in Queens, and then spending the night in Brooklyn. But, I'll leave you with a poem I just wrote:

Respect (or at least, that's what I'll call it for now = )

God made men to be sexy for me
To laugh and joke and talk with me.
But sometimes I worry they are looking for more
Which might make me seem like a whore.

I like this skinhead you see
He’s quite attractive and fond of me.
But he makes me nervous about some things
Because with age experience brings.

I maybe young and quite a treat
But don’t expect me to lick your meat.
I’m not a skank or tramp or whore
I’m someone that must be adored.

I’m not saying that I’m a prude
I’m just saying you best not be rude.
I like boys and men of all shapes and any size
But I prefer to keep them out from between my thighs.

Anyway, I hope you've all been great. I've been wondering about you guys. I hope your week and now your weekend will be great. = )

BTW, Melody is definitely the coolest person on here, no offense to everyone else... if you don't read her blog already, you def should. Haha, one day, I want to be as awesome as her. = )

Holiday in the Sun

My nose is so stuffed. Fuck, I'm very very sick, which sucks. Bad bad cold. It's horrible.

I visited a college today, and I really enjoyed it. Definitely going to apply there, although it's filled to the brim with hipsters.

I had a big fight with Anthony, which wasn't fun. He just doesn't hang out with me, and then he goes "oh, I'm sorry, here... do you want a hug?" NO, I DON'T WANT A FUCKING HUG! I WANT A GODDAMN BOYFRIEND. So, yeah, that's basically what my brain was screaming, but instead I just kind of decided to be withdrawn. I went and talked to my fav teacher who was in his office. He and I agree that either Anthony needs to: 1. change, 2. break up with me, or 3. I need to break up with him. There can't be a middle a ground.

And, this whole thing with Anthony has kind of turned me into a bad girl... So, there's this guy... named J, who happens to be 21. He's so hot, and funny, and smart... and oooooh, he's amazing. So, I've been talking to him online and myspace (I met him at the show on saturday). Anyway, so we've been talking lots and yesterday he went away cause he fell asleep and I was like, "Oh... I see how it is." And today when I logged back in I saw that he said, "Oh, I feel asleep, I'm sorry, if you want to text me my number is:......" Hmm...? I know, are you thinking what I'm thinking too? Sarah has found a man. I know, everyone is like... "uhh... he's 21? that's fucked up..." All I can think is, "OH YEAH!" Sometimes he says things along the lines of: we can't date, you're too young, blah blah blah. But, then we converse hours, and he gives me his number... I don't know what to think, but I'm liking it. I know, I have a bf. But, a 21 v a 15... well, the 21 year old always wins. I know, I'm a playa', what can I say? hahaha...

He had to go take a shower, so he said, "I'm going to go, but just text me if i dont get back on and your bored." I don't know what to think, but he makes me all girly, and and... oh, I'm swooning. Haha, he's going to be at a show with me in the beginning of December, and I'm psyched about that. I was thinking about going to this show next saturday, instead of the one that's all ages, and J said, "Oh, I'm going. It's 18+, but I know the guy who put it together so I can get you in."

Oh, how I wish I J was here... he's so dreamy! = )

Saturday Night

I've been talking to Jordan a lot, who basically told me that it was no biggy, that Jay will probably never give me alcohol again, and that everyone does that at least once. He was asking me about what songs the Ray Gradys' covered. I remember singing some Zero Boys songs, and that's it. Apparently there were more, but I don't remember that at all. I've never had something like that happen, even when I'm seriously high I remember what happened. Hmmm, alcohol is a funny funny thing. = ) I really hope that Jay gives me alcohol again, that would kinda make me sad if I fucked that up, even though I'm pretty sure he never will again.

Jordan is so funny, he's 21, from Long Island, and a skinhead (not a racist one though, if he was a nazi skinhead I wouldn't speak to him, probably). A lot of people are unaware that not all skinheads are racists, so if you're confused about this you have now been educated. He sent me all of these MDC songs, which are awesome. My favorites are the two different songs: "John Wayne was a Nazi." He told me that he would consider me being almost 18 into whether or not he would at some point get me alcohol. Haha, when I couldn't remember the song, I told him to ask Jay and he was like: "Do you know how much more alcohol we had than you?" My response was that they're older and heavier, and that I'm a dainty young lady. = ) Haha, I really like Jordan, he's a funny as hell guy.

I'm psyched about the show in 2 weeks, it should be sweet. 10 bands/$5 in Queens. Mi madre is going to drive me, which is cool. I might bring a friend with me so that I'm not alone at the show. Maybe I'll get to read again? I have a new poem, which I shall now post for your entertainment:

My Favorite Flavor of Powerade

“Whiskey isn’t fun and friendly”
That is what I have been told
But I don’t think that’s true
Unless you are quite old

My parents think it’s bad for me
But I don’t agree
For the punks say its good
So I believe that it must be

I don’t mind falling over
And I like riding in your car
So please give me some more alcohol
Before you hit the bar

Jameson takes about 5 minutes before it kicks in
So maybe you should wait a second before you let me in
I don’t think I will puke but I may need to sit down
Don’t pull me off the floor, I’m more comfortable laying on the ground

That basically sums up my experience on saturday... I've realized how much of a good time I had and I've realized that I like drinking. I won't drink as much as last time, but a wee bit won't hurt me. = )

I'm really sick right now, I feel kind of like I'm going to puke. It's because I have a cold, so my snot is basically running into my stomach. I'm sure you all wanted to hear that.

I'm also very excite that Obama won, it's such great news. I feel like he can really turn our country around, at least more than McCain would have.

Drink, Drank, Punk

Okay, so I'm going to try and sort out what happened yesterday at the show in a way that makes sense. I'll do it in steps, it'll make it easier for me to right it out. (BTW, Jay is the lead singer of Endangered Feces, Jay C. is the lead singer of Aggressive Force... two different people, hookay?)

1.) Got on the subway, about a 20 minute trip on the F to Delancy. Right when I got into the station, Santina and Nicole were there. So we all figured out where it was.

2.) We hung out there, and talked to Jay L.. We all hung out there together, just waiting around for about an hour. I felt fucked up, it's actually the way I usually feel the day before I get really sick.

3.) After about an hour or so we all walked in, paid our $7.

4.) Charles said his poem, then I said mine... I'm gonna post the video of my poem at the end of this post.

5.) Endangered Feces went on. Jay C., Jordan, and I were basically the ones throwing all of the toilet paper at the crowd.

6.) After they were done I was talking to Jay and a few others, he was drinking out of a Powerade bottle which I knew had some kind of alcohol in it. He hands it to me and tells me to taste the "newest flavor of Powerade."

7.) When he finally realized how much I've had he became very concerned, and a bit surprised. He basically dragged me to the deli across the street to buy me water and pretzels. And then it HIT ME!

8.) My first thought was "OH MY GOD! What the fuck have I done???" It's slowly getting worse and worse and worse. And suddenly I'm so fucked.

9.) Basically I sat down on the floor inside and ate the pretzels and drank the water. Listening to Kissy Kamikaze. A little bit into that I went into the back and sat out on the chairs with Daniella (who Jay basically entrusted me to), her new Irish bf (directly off the boat, apparently), Santina, Nicole, Tanzen, and Jay stayed there for a bit too.

10.) Jordan and Jay C. are out there with their girls, and we're all talking. Everyone is very nice and basically telling me to not worry about it, that everyone does this, and not to worry about it.

11.) Tanzen leaves at some point, and I finally make it back inside. (By this time I think I had drank the first bottle of water, and now I keep peeing and peeing and peeing) The Ray Gradys were playing and were covering Zero Boys, which was amazing. I got up there and was singing with Jay and Jordan on the mic. Haha, the three drunks all on the microphone, so not surprising. I went to sitting on the crates in the back, because my steadiness was uhh... not so good. Jordan and Jay C. are skanking, and Jordan grabs me by my shirt and pulls me off the crate. Right as that happened Jay came over to hit him and actually ended up hitting me in the face, so they quickly grabbed me and pulled me onto my feet and shoved me onto the crate again. Santina let me rest my head on her shoulder and they all made sure everything was cool. It was kinda funny, it didn't bother me at all. My face got numb, and then kinda hurt, but that's fine.

12.) Santina, Nicole, Jay, Daniella, me, and the two twins (who I have now met, they're really cool guys, really nice) were standing on the street (besides me, I'm sitting on the ground resting my head against Jay's knee, who is just kind of petting my head, I think he felt kinda bad).

13.) Santina and Nicole leave and Jay and Charles are now watching me. The guy from the Ray Gradys held the door for me as I pissed because the door wouldn't close to the bathroom. Jay and I walk to get his car, and then we drive back to the show. Jay and Charles basically sit me in the car and I'm feeling a bit more sober. After about 15 minutes and me listening to them talk while they load up the car we're off. We drive up to this bagel place on like 4th ave 20 something. Jay buys me a big cup of coffee, I pee again. By this time my piss is legitimately clear. We're all talking as Jay drives me to Penn, Charles volunteers to make sure I'm fine getting to the terminal. He drops me off, I say good bye to Jay, and thank him and apologize. Charles walks me in and I give him a hug goodbye and he walks off. I go to the bathroom and pee again (holy shit, I probably peed like 8 times in about 3 hours, it was ridiculous).

14.) The train ride wasn't too bad because I spent the entirety of it on the phone talking to Lauren and Nina and Santina on the phone. It was actually quite entertaining.

15.) I get home around 10:30 and pee again. I feel like shit, probably because I haven't eaten anything besides one bag of pretzels since 11 in the morning. I hang with my rents for a bit, I tell them that I think I have a stomach virus.

It was actually a really entertaining night, I had a really good time. It's kind of funny, but I really enjoyed myself. I've never been drunk before, and definitely never had whiskey (Jameson... apparently Endangered Feces really likes it, they call it the nectar of the Emerald Isle). Didn't puke, which I'm impressed with. My guess is that I had approximately 4 or 5 shots, I don't know how much Jameson gets a regular person drunk.

Here are my questions: How much Jameson gets a regular person drunk? How much Jameson makes a regular person puke?

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was shaking so bad. I realized it was because I was really cold, so I put on a sweatshirt and socks, which made it almost completely stop. I didn't fall asleep until about 1 a.m. or so, and I woke up at 7 a.m.... What the fuck? I'm still feeling a bit off, but eating really really helped me. I need to eat some more. Next time Jay offers me something, I will not be drinking that much and I'm gonna ask him what it is.

Haha, wow, how was your saturday? = )

Here's the video as promised: (BTW, the guy standing behind me laughing, with half a head of hair is Jay C.)

Nectar of the Emerald Isle

I am shaking so bad. This is not even funny. Holy fuck, so this all started when at the show Jay (who is about 35 or 36) handed me "the newest Powerade flavor"... which happens to be Jamieson. Me, being fucking brilliant, thinks, "Oh, it must just be some nasty ass beer or something, so I might as well drink what's left..." There was about a quarter of the bottle filled with it, by the time Jay realized what I had done he was kinda worried. So, basically, I was baby-sat by the rest of the adults and shoved in with all of the drunk 20 somethings... honestly, it was kinda fun. No puking (which is impressive). (I am now jiggling my leg, which is helping me stop my body from shaking, God this is horrible) I have drank about 3 bottles of water and a big to-go cup of coffee. Jay drove me to Penn with Charles, and made sure that I was okay to get home. Fuck, I feel kinda bad, but everyone agreed that it was alright and that everyone at my age ends up like this at some point. Even the use of the word "experimentation" didn't bother me tonight (I mean, I was pretty fucked, so nothing much bothered me). I cannot deal with this. I'll say more about this tomorrow, fuck, right now, I just want to stop shaking and go to sleep.

Depression

I'm not really depressed, but, sticking with the theme of song titles, it's the closest I could get... or at least, the first one I could think of. I've been feeling completely shitty, and just sad, so I haven't been feeling like writing. I'll give you the and short of what's going on:

- On saturday I went to look at a college, and I really liked it. That night I submitted my college applications to all of the schools. It was terrifying, but exciting. College is going to be awesome!

- On sunday I went to Tompkins and saw a free show. It was awesome! I saw Blackout Shoppers and Trauma Team 666. I hung out with Jay from Endangered Feces and Justin. At the show I'm going to on saturday I'm going to read my poem that I wrote to Charles Bukakke. Jay asked me if he could call me "Lucy Bukkake" or "Lucy Ass" or just "Lucy B." I didn't even know what to say, but it would be pretty entertaining. I always consider nicknames to be awesome, especially the ones that people end up getting in the scene. They're always ridiculous and funny, my personal favorites: "Seth Amphetamines," "Blackout Matt," "Rev Mike" (cause he sometimes wears a preacher's shirt on stage), etc..

- On Halloween, I should be going into the city. Hopefully, it will be awesome. = )

Feeling blue makes me not want to write.

Intervention

Nothing is going on. I'm hungry. I'm craving. I'm fucking bored. TV sucks shit.

But, Chinese food will be coming, Celebrity Rehab will be on in less than an hour (the most ridiculous show ever, it also makes me want to KILL Gary Busey, he is the worst person ever), soon it will all be lovely again.

This reminds me, you guys need to watch this show, it's the funniest episode of Intervention I have ever seen!

This is a video of that show I was at on saturday, I'm the one with no hair on the right...

Check ya guys later... or whenever I get more bored.

Latin Roots

Lauren was just over, I gave her some weed I had that I definitely was not going to smoke. I had to take out of my stash, because all I needed was her getting pissed at me. I really want to get high, but not today, or tomorrow... can't be. I'll be on St. Marks and at Tompkins on Sunday for the show.

I don't feel like doing anything. Fuck. Anthony was supposed to come over and I wanted to see him. I was also planning on going out for Dylan's b-day party, but they're going to a theatre which is too far away from me, so I'm not going to that. He sounded kinda sad that I wasn't going... hmm. Maybe I've been a little flirtatious. ;-) Not really, I just like Dylan, he's a sweet guy.

Anthony and I might still be hanging out... I'm in a bad mood. Poor Anthony, he's so sweet. I think he worries about me sometimes when I get upset, I have a bad habit of getting into really bad funks. I think that being high last night didn't help me today, though it wasn't so bad today.

Tomorrow I have to go visit a college... which sucks lots and lots of ass. I have to wake up at 5:30 so that we can get there on time, and then I'm probably going to drive us home. It'll be me and my mother, which is good. If my father was there I would have had a conniption. I spent my entire in-school-therapy session basically going through the entire history of my relationship with my father and the reason why I hate him. It got me really worked up, but I didn't cry. I think that kinda made me feel like shit, I hate crying, but holding it in can make it worse.

Today in Latin class, my Latin teacher has been absent for the entire week, so we posted all of this really really dirty poetry on the walls by Catullus. My personal favorite quote is "my prick is poking out of my tunic and my toga." Who wouldn't love that? We taped it to the sign that said "Latin is Beautiful," haha! I just found the poem, so

Here is Catullus 32:

I beg you, my sweet, my Ipsitilla,
my darling, my sophisticated beauty,
summon me to a midday assignation;
and, if you're willing, do me one big favor:
don't let another client shoot the door bolt,
and don't decide to suddenly go cruising,
but stay at home & get yourself all ready
for nine - yes, nine - successive copulations!
Honestly, if you want it, give the order:
I've eaten, and I'm sated, supinated!
My prick is poking through my cloak and tunic.

Good shit, right? Here is a website where you can find more: CATULLUS! Personally, I would suggest reading 39, that's good. But it's all pretty entertaining. I think 15 and 16 are also pretty dirty. One of his poems ends with someone sticking radishes up someone else's ass. Haha.

Well, I'll catch ya later! = )

Liar

I don't know what's up with me and being so against weed and alcohol, but it's just bizarre. Honestly, in my twisted mind, opiates, speed, coke - oh that's all fine - but weed and alochol is horrible. I'm talking to Tanzen on the phone about how I don't want to be around Nina and Lauren while they're drinking and she says, "Uhh, I don't think it's as bad as what you're planning on doing!" I know, it's a fucked up logic, okay... My response to what she said was, "I'm not doing that, I'm not doing drugs, I've quit.".... haha, oh, maybe after right now. Fuck, I'm so dumb...

Halloween is more up in the air than before. I could go into the city and see Tanzen and spend the night running around the village and seeing the parade and going to Rocky Horror and having a good time. I think I'm going to go. It makes me nervous, but it's better than being alone at home.

I've been very melancholy for the past few days.... I don't have much to say. I got an A- on my last Statistics test (I know you're excited about that!) I'm also enjoying all of the good movies on television right now, the dumb halloween ones and Scariest Places on earth!

Check ya later!

Lady be good, do what you should, you know it will be alright

I can't sleep. I'm really bent out of shape. It's due to my friends. What I've come to realize is that, even if I'm not that close to people, seeing other people really fucked up on drugs or drink really bothers me. I saw Ashley the other day, high off of her ass (my guess is the first time in 4 months), smiling at me, telling me how "life is so good right now." I couldn't help but smile and say, "how many hours until life sucks again?" Her eyes were watery and blood shot, but beyond that she seemed pretty normal (ironically). But, this is really about Nina and Lauren. Nina and Lauren want to get drunk on Halloween and go trick-or-treating. I don't like drinking - in fact I kind of hate it. I have no desire to drink whatsoever, especially not coming home drunk. I hate how both of them just want to deplete their brain cells until there's nothing left. I know, I sound hypocritical. I am, but I can't help it. Weed and beer are just such a waste of a brain. All that it causes is for them to feel worse about themselves in the long run. I'm not saying that dope is far above other drugs, I just know that when I get really high on weed I hate myself, but when I'm off on the nod I don't really give a fuck. Watching someone get dependent on drugs is so much worse than you yourself getting addicted. I hate it. I feel so powerless and I just wish I could make all their pain go away, ya know? That's the thing, I can handle myself and the shit that I cause for myself, but other people, I can't deal with my friends being messed up.

I am also feeling particularly awkward and moronic lately. I can't seem to shake this feeling that I am some kind of joke. I don't know, I'm PMSing, which is just making everything a debacle. At the moment, I feel utterly hopeless and depressed and like a shit head. Come tomorrow I may feel just like Jesus' son. I think it's cause of this video of me from the show on saturday, I was listening to WWIX and so I didn't care how dumb i may have looked. But, God, did I look like a moron. That's just going to bother me now. At punk shows, I generally don't care, and now I'm going to think about it.

I just wish I could talk to people about this bull shit, and they could make it all better and just explain it all away. I wish I could tell my mother, she always makes me feel better when I'm freaking out. I can't stand all of this. I don't want to do anything, I just don't see the point, I feel suicidal, but it's just passing. That's the thing, I'm so wound up in my mind that emotions just become mental explanations. That's the only way I've ever been able to deal with shit, but turning it into explanations - it's also the only way I can have any self-control. Fuck, I just need to go back to sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day. It just has to be.

Gang Bang Island

Too many people were at my house, last night. It ended up being like a small party, I had 4 girls over and then Ned came over. And we were all chilling until Ned, Alexis, Tanzen, and I went to the show and saw WWIX and the Blackout Shoppers! *girly, high-pitched squeal* If you don't know already I have a thing for older men (well, yeah, basically the biggest crushes I have are all on guys who are approximately 20 years older than me). Before we went to the show we tried to figure out what the opposite of a cougar is, haha. Well, I have the biggest crush on Justin, who is 22 years older than me and the guitarist for WWIX. The coolest thing about him and the drummer John, as well, is that they always introduce me to everyone. I go places and I talk to them and then they'll be talking to another band and suddenly I'm being introduced "Hey, this is Lucy, she's really cool." I get this big teenage grin on my face, I love it. I'm slowly becoming a 17 year old staple of the scene, I can tell because slowly bands are recognizing me when I'm getting introduced. That's all I want, I want to be like Justin and know everyone. I was looking at their set list, and I said, "You guys aren't playing Gang Bang Island?!?!?" And Justin was like, "Oh shit guys, we've gotta play Gang Bang Island for Lucy!" So, right after Mike introduced the song, Justin grabbed the mike and said "This one's for Lucy!" I could have died. This was Alexis' first real show and I think she was a little afraid (I mean, drunken men slam dancing in a very small space can be scary, I guess). I tried to stand in front of them when we were standing at the back of the room, I guess I just wanted to protect them from a flying elbow or foot. Man, it was so much fun, I just love WWIX so much. Justin gave me a t-shirt and a record for free, and he came outside and talked to my mother. I can't explain it, it's just like when you know you've found the band for you, you stick with them and if they're cool they stick with you...

Well, I'm so overwhelmed by it and I'm thinking about just spending the day doing nothing. And that sounds lovely. = )

Portrait of sobriety

My bed is feeling warm and cozy and I'm counting down the minutes until I have to get up and get dressed so that I can get lugged out to the diagnostic place. Fuck, I hate it. Ugh, I feel bad for anyone who has to find a vein in my right arm... everyone thinks it's like a sandbox "if we keep digging we're bound to find it." I mean, well, that's always my thought, and apparently there's as well. I finished "Naked Lunch" today, man that was such a good book. The way Boroughs describes everything is like it's beautiful or something, or amazingly ugly, but either way it's impressive. I'm marked the book all up by underlining good lines. My arthritis was bad this morning when I woke up, back and knees and that kinda bullshit. The sun is coming into my room and it looks so peaceful and nice. Last night I spent with my boys: Zach and Anthony and Tyler. Zach came over to my house after school and we watched Dazed and Confused because he had never seen it. Luckily, he was one of those people who can see the humor in it, especially all the amazing lines that they say, "Do you have a joint?... Well, it'd be a lot cooler if you did." And then I dropped him off and picked up Anthony. Anthony are like a married couple, it's so funny. After we hung out at my house we went to the movies and met up with Zach, Tyler, Dan, Sam, and these two other girls. I met some people, these girls, who apparently really like my hair. Zach appeared to be chatting one of them up, so we weren't sure if we should leave him alone. And then I decided it probably wasn't the case and walked over. We all saw Max Payne, which was really really good. I had a big blue icee and ate about half of Zach's popcorn (I can finish one of those large tubes, it's like my specialty... though I do feel really sick afterwards).

I'm working on a T-shirt for Feet First, I did a basic idea on Gimp using images offline. The guy from FF (I'll just call him FF) says that he likes it but he's going to call me at 12P.M. so we can discuss angles, etc. (I thought telling me the time was kinda of funny, but I guess it makes sense). The first time I talked to FF he sounded like he was tweeking, the rapidity of what he was saying and how so many thoughts were just running out of his mouth. It was around 10:20 at night and I had spent most of my afternoon on the nod. My brain was still calm and cool and couldn't understand why he was working so fast. He kinda made my heart beat really fast, which freaked me out. I hate that, when people put me into nervous situations while I'm high and it feels like my heart is just going to beat so hard that it will pop out of my chest. I laid in bed later that night and my heart felt so loud. 

Man, I wish I could be high right now. Gotta stay sober, people are coming in today. Ned and Tanzen are coming in from NYC and Alexis is coming over. Sam may come over too. WE'RE GOING TO THE WWIX AND BLACKOUT SHOPPER SHOW!! AHHH! I'm so excited. I'm going to hug Justin as many times as I can (ugh, he's so awesome, and I'm such a 17 year old girl). Anthony and Matt may come, I'm trying to get Matt to convince his rents to drive them both. I can't wait! = )

Apparently, this guy owed Anthony some money, so he was paid in weed... I told him to sell it to this kid Ezra, who really wants to be a stoner (I've heard of worse goals). Yeah, I felt kinda bad for Anthony, he obviously just wanted money.

Okay, so I'll come back later with something interesting to say. = )

Teenagers from Mars

I don't have anything amazing to say, nothing insightful I feel completely drained of all thought. I've been so tired lately that I don't even want to get high, all I want is to be kept warm and left alone to sleep. I took a shower last night and I felt so good, my skin was so soft and I felt really warm and nice. Just kinda like everything that goes on had been washed off.

So, after skipping school yesterday to make sure Lauren didn't kill herself, even though my dad wrote me a note to make sure I didn't get in trouble, could still result in a detention (my first ever... I'm an angel, okay?).  Fuck, that will piss me off.

Not sick right now, THANK GOD! Man, if it's not one thing it's another with me. I have a blood test on Saturday, which is always entertaining. Haha, only the most skilled can hit veins in my right arm (which means that I was always screwed, especially cause I was using my left hand). Fuck, watching those people just stare at my arms, is enough to make me crazy. And then I gotta go pee in a cup, etc etc. It's for my arthritis, which is good because it also keeps tab of how my liver is doing. I'm really worried about fucking it up in the long run, but it's pretty safe for now.

I'm eating some pretty tasty Lucky Charms, and I just worked on my College apps, read some Naked Lunch... Life's okay today. All the songs coming up are really good on my shuffled play list. It makes me happy, it's the perfect stuff.

Tomorrow Anthony is coming over, and we get until at least 6:30 or 7 together tomorrow. FINALLY! = )

I'm getting an A+ in Statistics right now! And I got an A+ on my last Euro essay (she must not have read it, it wasn't bad, but wasn't that good). So, I feel good about myself. I'm a stellar student, obviously.

Nothing much to report beyond that... There was this weird moment I had at the show on sunday, though...

We were standing to the right side of the stage and waiting for the next band to go up. This guy I had seen walking around before came up to us. He looked half-Hispanic, half-Black, his hair was shaved into a mohawk. It was colored faded pink and blue, almost looking as if it was leopard print. He was gorgeous, but also about 30-something easily. He walks up to us and, as all people seem to do, says, "Do you have a dollar so that I can kill my last brain cell?" He stood right in front of me, and I did what I usually did: I stared at his eyes looking at the size of his pupils (I can' help it, my mind immediatley goes: "hmm... what drugs are you on right now?"). He looked at me though and something about it really struck me. I don't know what, it's just so vivid in my head. He was really attractive, I don't know why but just the thoughts of him just keep on replaying in my head over and over... Ugh, I'm so weird...

Anyways! Tomorrow is friday, wooooooooohoooooo! Thank God! And my friends shall be over on saturday for the show, so far I should be bringing 4 people or so. It's gonna be a party! = )

One Week

I'm so hungry, so I'm going to make this fast (I'm going to use bullet points):

- Stole a McCain/Palin sign yesterday off of my neighbor's yard with the help of Zach, and then gave it to Nina... I hope to be "picking up" a few more

- Ended up at Lauren's house for the last two blocks of school today because she told Nina she was going to kill herself

- My mother almost got really angry at me, but my dad - being the understanding man that he is - actually explained the situation to her and now isn't angry

- I'm getting a B+ in European History! A B in English! An A in Environmental!

- I've been very very very tired for the past few days. Dozing off in class, and basically passing out once I lay down to go to sleep at night.

- Anthony got suspended from the radio station for a week, so we get the entire afternoon on friday to hang out

- I was voted "MOST NON-CONFORMIST" of my class in high school for the yearbook, haha, it's kind of ridiculous

- I'm going to a WWIX and Blackout Shoppers show on Saturday, Ned and Tanzen are coming from the city to stay over the night and see it with me

- I went to Tompkins on Sunday, listened to some lascivious poetry (and was given a free book of it) and heard some excellent bands, I also got 3 hugs from Justin, hung with lots of people (and a few really cute older guys), was - as per usual - asked if I had any money so this really hott guy could go "kill his last brain cell" (I declined the offer), and I saw this girl that I hate

It's been a pretty good week, so far, weird, but not horrible. Anyway, I'll catch y'all on the flipside! = )

With a Little Help from My Friends

It's freezing... Why is it always freezing? It got warmer here, so my rents decided that heat was unnecessary... maybe for them! But, I'm always cold so now I just feel as if I keep getting shoved into an ice bath. I woke up this morning and light was shinning in from the window at the foot of my bed. It's so pretty, that's why I had asked for this room when I turned 12 (or 13? Must have been before that... maybe 11?). My nose is still sore from having that cold. I need to take a shower to wash all of the cut hair off of me, which should help my nose.

I really hope that Santina can still go, I would hate to sit here all day doing homework (which I don't have enough of to fill up an entire day with). I hope I get to see Justin or Mike there... AHH! I would have like a heart attack, I love them so much, and they're so cool to me. 

Haha, I've always been one of those kids who had adults (who weren't my rents) who gave a shit about me and treated me like I was really cool. This is the super condensced list: Chris my cuz, Stephen my cuz, Salil (they're friend), Scott (they're friend, I call him my "Dad"), Matt (I love Matt, he's so sweet, I wish he hadn't moved back to TX, he's my cuzs friend), Adam (I've known Adam since I was about 12), Steven W, Justin, Mike, Darryl, and anyone on here who wants to mentor me (come on, I know you guys are all just dying to be on the list!). I would say that the youngest person on here is Stephen my cus who is 27, but everyone else is over 30. No, it's not creepy, that's what you all want to tell me. But it's not. Salil always says that everyone besides him and my cuzs and their friends are creepers. I know that nothing I say is going to change your opinion one way or the other, but I probably would be a lot worse off I didn't have them their for me to talk to and sound dumb to. The thing that always strikes me with my cuzs and their friends is that they are always calling me "one of us," they're all geniuses which makes me feel like "oh, I'm not as dumb as I seem." Or they're saying, "yeah, Lucy, but you're not average" whenever I'm down on myself. Fuck, I love them all, they're some of my favorite people on this planet and I'm lucky that I know them. = )

Ugh, I have to go read "Crime and Punishment," which will be a party, right? And I have to shower so I'll come back and tell you about the show (crossing my fingers).

Have a splendid sunday everyone! = )

P.S.!!! I remembered what I was going to say, it's dumb, but whatever. Okay, so I was sitting next to James in Stat class and we were just being bored and talking. Somehow we got on to the topic of his arms (he likes showing off his "guns"). Now, we have joked about his arms since we were 14 as being "junky material" (kind of ironic, haha). His veins just pop out of his skin everywhere (mostly because the boy has no fat, he's all muscle and bone). And somehow we get on to the topic of his veins, or should I say he, because he's talking about it and I'm beginning to feel nauseous just looking at them. Suddenly, I blurt out, "CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR VEINS, NOW?" It wasn't that loud, and I don't think he wondered why, but I just had a bit of a moment... haha, yeah, I just felt like I was going to pounce on his arm or something if he didn't shut up... Told you it was dumb! = P

Part Time Model

Part of uncyclopedia's definition of "blog" - 

"The concept of "blogging" (not to be confused with Riverdance) is said to have originated in the Amazonian rainforest, where European explorers observed the native hunter-gatherers communicating by means of high-pitched whining and long-drawn-out musical glossolalia. Although no actual information was ever conveyed by this meaningless prancing, the locals appeared to enjoy the sight and sound of each other's attempts and dancing along with them. The native Amazonians new this practice in their own language as the "Surkull Juirc", but the name never really caught on in European circles."

Nothing happened today, it was boring. I went to the football game and hung with people. We beat the other team 14 to 13 (the game was actually pretty good, though slightly frustrating). I barely got to see Anthony because his sister and his mother were there and I didn't want to get knifed or beaten or AIDS (Felipe believes that Anthony's sister Amanda gave him AIDS in the hallway).

I got my hair cut, it's really really really short, not like skin, but pretty short. (You can't really tell in the photo). 

That girl called me about the show tomorrow, she's not sure if she can still go (why do people do dumb shit like this?). After we established that and awkwardly talked for about 2 minutes, she asked if I could keep talking (which seemed odd to me), but I was at Sam's house so I declined. It was kinda weird, I mean, she's really nice, but I barely know her and I'm really awkward on the phone. She said that her goal was to meet boys at shows, but maybe she's a... lesbian for me... SCANDALOUS! Haha, I'm just kidding, she was probably just bored. People who don't know me very well (and some who do) apparently think I'm cool for reasons yet undetermined by me (well, I could say some and sound really vain, so I'll just shut the fuck up), maybe she's one of them... I am a people person, haha.

Well, I'm going to bed so I can look hott for tomorrow. Catch ya'll on the flipside! = )

P.S. Listen to the song "Part Time Model" by Flight of the Conchords, it's amazing and it's stuck in my head... You're so beautiful... like a tree or a high class prostitute. You could be a part time model - but you'd probably still have to keep your normal job. I could see, that you were the most beautiful girl in the - room. In the whole wide room. = )

Reckless Abandon

I've been super bored this week (as you can see by all the posts), and everyone has been gone (yes, I had nothing to read from Mel or Gleds) and I had plenty of time to read because I was super sick. I'll start this post where my last one left off.

So, way against my better judgement, I decided to drive to the Bargain Box... I was feeling so fucked up in the car, I was going about 10 miles under the speed limit and when I got to the parking lot it was all full and as I tried to turn around this old woman was giving me the weirdest look. It would be my luck to hit these parked cars right now... What's she looking at? I should flip her off... So, I finally got inside and looked around. I found this ridic jacket for halloween, I might be Stevo from SLC Punk!, so this would be the perfect jacket. I know you're all very jealous, 5$! Oh yeah, I saw this flannel shirt that I thought about buying but it was about 3 sizes too big (an XL mens), so I decided not to. All of these old women were like following me and giving me dirty looks (I have no idea why all of the oldies were hating on me), and I saw this really butch lesbin (at first, I thought she was a he) who gave me a really dirty look. The woman who checked me out said, "Oh, this is such a lovely jacket." My only thought was Ma'am whatever you're on, I want. I mean, it's lovely in a super cracked out way, but not in a normal way. Anyway, the rest of the day was utterly pointless, I got home and watched TV and then I kinda went out for about 2 hours. My mom came in to wake me up for dinner and I couldn't really open my eyes, they fluttered and then shut. My thought afterwards was Oh yeah, that's totally not suspicious at all.

Today was uneventful. I went to school. My power point was not due in Enviro, so that was good. During lunch we had Latin club meeting, which was fun, I guess. Then, I had statistics, I really don't think the teacher likes me in that class. He's nice, but you can tell that he finds me distasteful. I think it's because I was supposed to be in AP, and all the kids want me to teach the class. Euro was okay, we discussed Renaissance art and I ate some potato chips. 

I went home after school to change and fix my make up. Which needs some explaining, because previously I said that Anthony was supposed to come over. What do you know, the boy had crew! I basically told him that either he makes time for me, or I dump him (well, actually, I wasn't that harsh, I just said, "Are you dating me, or the school and Matt (his best friend)?"). It's really pissing me off, but, whatever, I would never break up with him unless he severely fucked up, and I can't see that happening. I went to Dunkin Donuts, where I bought two donuts (I had a coupon), and had a very uncomfortable conversation with my friend's older sister and this stranger... yeah, my life is a partay. Then I went to the school, which reminds me, I need to fill up my car with gas. So, blah blah blah, went to the radio station, helped put down sound-proofing floor tiles. Anthony and Matt came, so I talked to Anthony and then we all got Chinese food. We all cut out at 6 (Anthony decided that he was out, if I was being kicked out of the station and because we weren't actually on air... our transmitter sucks). So, Matt, Anthony, and I sat out behind the school for a good 2o minutes shooting the shit. Then Anthony's dad was coming, so I hugged Anthony and got in my car. 

I called Lauren, and basically invited myself over. So, we hung out for about 2 hours and then Sam came over, at which point I sang her a song dedicated to her and then I sang her a song I wrote about our Enviro teacher. Then we went to Dunkin Donuts and listened to songs from the 90s and middle school (haha, we were really cool, especially because I knew all the words to all the songs that came on, I won't embarrass myself with the band names). We saw this really preppy kid from my classes in the parking lot, and he waived at me (mostly because I was kinda staring at him) and so I waived back... it was very very awkward, at least, that's how I felt inside.

We got back to Lauren's house and I felt this kind of sadness because of the absence of drugs... no, I won't say drugs, the absence of weed. I wanted to smack myself. Of all the things to really feel "sad" about, weed definitely shouldn't be one of them. Anyway, soon after Sam and I left, and I got home and serenaded my mother and my father. But, I called my father an asshole, and then he got pissed off, so I just decided to go to bed.

Tomorrow is another lovely day. Check you on the flip side! = )

P.S. on another note, I was thinking about driving around high... I have come to the conclusion that... It's very very very dumb.  And that it would be my luck to get pulled over by the cops.

Heroin

Oh, BTW, I'm going to quote unyclopedia for ya'll, because I was reading their definition of heroin and it made me chuckle:

"Heroin is a substance injected into your veins in order to feel like you've had 1,00,000 orgasms at once. Always comes in packs with tissue, and an instruction booklet provided by Pfizer. Current tagline is "Drug of champio" (the writer died of an overdoes before he could finish typing the letter "N" - shit happens). Very often people will mistake the substance for being "addictive," but we really know they are just a bunch of pussies who need to suck it up and get a job. Heroin has many uses around the house, including, but not limited to: a window cleaner, scum and dirty removal, Oxy Clean, Music Production, being Black, anti-diarrheal, cough suppressant, and penis reducer/enlarger. It is also useful for becoming "God.""

I know I posted a link to this before, but I thought I would just quote it so you didn't have to go through the hassle of clicking. = )

Astro Zombies

I'm in a good mood... I really really good mood. Partially chemical, partially natural. I've been bored and reading Gledwood's blog from the beginning. I always get into these moods where I just end up reading blogs for hours on end. Honestly, I feel so content with everything. I'm thinking about calling Lauren and seeing if her and Nina want to go to the Bargain Box with me later. I woke up this morning (as you can see by my last post) around 6 this morning. My body must be used to my regular schedule by now. I'm not really looking forward to the homework I have to do (a 1 page paper and a PP (power point) on Reagan's legislation and Rachel Carson for Environmental Science, and a paper for European History). I'm going to ask if I can wait to turn in the power point because I can't do it until my mom gets home tonight. My computer is a Mac, and our school only has PCs and so I have need to use her work computer. My dad's comp doesn't have PP on it. 

I can't wait to see Anthony tomorrow!!! He's going to come over after school and we're going to hang out... alone finally... in my room. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm only 17, and I'm a virgin. Yeah, one of the few, the proud. Haha, my friend Ned was trying to make me feel like shit about it previously (Ned's going to end up getting some girl preggers soon, I bet), saying that he felt sorry for anyone who left high school a virgin. The reason I'm a virgin definitely isn't because I'm a prude, but because the guys I date I never really like. Sure, I'll make out with them, I'll go to movies with them, but I'm not going to have sex with them. 

The last guy I dated was a total douche-bag, he treated me like shit and told everyone about our relationship (some things you just shouldn't tell people about). The thing was, he told my friends because they were in the play with him. How dumb can you be? If you tell a girl's best friends all this shit and then you expect them not to tell her. To break up with me (which I was planning on doing anyway) he told me that he cheated on me and with who and then told me "not to tell anyone." Hahaha, I told EVERYONE! Fuck that, and everyone knew what a douchebag he was. The funniest shit is that his friends who I became closer with while we were dating actually like me better than him. Felipe kicked him the nuts (haha, in an attempt to uphold my honor). Anthony was actually friends with Will and we both agree that he's a douche bag. I also ended up keeping his guitar hero. He hasn't asked for it back and I sure as hell won't going to give it back. Ahhh to be a teenager.

I've always told people this, the biggest problem for me is that: A) I get bored with guys easily, B) I date guys mostly because I can, not because I really like them, and C) most of the guys I date don't really know how to be a good boy friend. But Anthony has beaten the odds.

Wanna know a secret?

I think... I'm going to tell him... on Friday... that I love him... AHH! Hahahhaha, okay, so yeah, I don't know, I think I will. It's kind of exciting, kind of scary, but I really want to.

I feel like I have so much to say, not that I really do, but I will probably keep talking. For Halloween I think I'm going to make myself a zombie, I'll do my make up really well (we have so much fake blood and costume make up it's kind of ridiculous) and then I'm going to buy that ridiculous jacket and I'll probably just take an old pair of my paints and slice them up. Then I'll use this white dress shirt that I got free and make it all dirty. I might stick up my mohawk and put this red gel I have in it (you know, like my hair is full of blood or some other shit, or just because it will look fucking cool!). Anthony is definitely coming to Lauren's house for her Halloween party, he doesn't like Halloween (I have no idea why, he says he just doesn't). It's looking to be awesome.

What else.... my toenails are red! Haha, I painted them a few days ago, I never paint my toenails and it freaked me out the other night. It was dark and I looked down at my feet and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my feet. I think being sick has also made me hallucinate, I was having a serious panic attack when I woke up that there were ghosts in my room and I swore that my door was open even though it wasn't.

I should probably go shower because the cleaning lady is coming today. Out entire house smells like ass (or dog piss), and I can't figure out why (the dog hasn't actually pissed in the house).

I hope this has entertained you (or at least wasted your precious time). = )

We are 138

I feel like doing a post of the perfect Misfits playlist, because I'm bored and "20 EYES IN MY HEAD, 20 EYES IN MY HEAD, THEY'RE ALL I SEE, THEY'RE ALL I SEE, WHEN YOU'RE SEEING TWENTY THINGS AT A TIME, YOU JUST CAN'T SLOW THEM DOWN, BUT WHEN YOU'RE SEEING TWENTY THINGS, WELL YOUR MIND IT JUST CAN'T SLOW THINGS DOWN!" Haha, The Misfits the perfect blend of punk and horror movies. They're also good for weening people on to punk. So, here are the top 15 Misfits songs (20 is a bit much for a playlist, I guess):

1. Bullet

2. Spinal Remains

3. Last Caress

4. Hybrid Moments

5. Helena

6. American Nightmare

7. 20 Eyes

8. Astro Zombies

9. Braineaters

10. We Are 138

11. Static Age

12. TV Casuality

13. Some Kinda Hate

14. Dig Up Her Bones

15. Die, Die My Darling

I feel like Misfits are good because it's October and Misfits are a horror punk band (perfect for halloween). And I was craving some good, ridiculous, New Jersey punk. That's right folks, Misfits are from Jersey (haha, that's not surprising at all). I personally think the two best albums by the Misfits are definitely Walk Among Us and Static Age. Both you can listen to from the beginning to the end without stopping (they're also about 15 minutes long a piece).

Misfits... how I love thee. = )

Chairman of the Bored

I'm sick from school again today. I feel like shit. I'm freezing and so I've crawled under the covers. I'm feeling a lot better, I woke up and I felt pretty horrible. But, now I'm feeling better. I have off tomorrow anyway, so I'll probably spend that relaxing and whatever. I think I'm going to go to the Bargain Box tomorrow in town and buy some clothes for my halloween costume. 10$ can go a long way there, which is good. I've been reading "Naked Lunch" still, it's confusing. Extremely confusing. I keep trying to make it make sense in my head, but I just can't. It's lots of little stories all crammed together, I have no idea where he is, what's going on, or who the people speaking are. It's still somewhat enjoyable. Every time I think I've understood it, the story changes again. I'm going to see Endangered Feces on sunday, which is cool. This girl I met at the LCB show and then saw again at the Reagan Youth show is going, so she invited me. I'm trying to get Ned to come too and maybe Alexis. Endangered Feces is cool because during their set they always throw lots of toilet paper at the audience, so there always ends up being a big toilet paper fight. It's soooo much fun, I can't wait for the show. = )

Well, not much going on, mostly just boredom. Catch ya on the flip side! = )

It's A Beautiful Day

My nose is running a marathon. It's horrible, I feel like shit and when I feel like shit I don't feel like doing anything. I basically curled up on my bed from 4 to 7, at which point I finally got up and made myself some soup. It's that new Campbell's, and it sucks compared to the old stuff. Being the kid of two working parents, I learned how to make my own dinner: soup. I'm a connoisseur of fine Campbell's condensed and noncondensed soups. Basically, I know it, I love it, and I eat it almost daily. This new soup tastes tamatoey, which completely ruins it.

My nose hurts so bad, I've been sticking Kleenex in it all day. It's raw and horrible and I feel like shit. I got home and I thought my dad was leaving when I pulled up (I did a little cheer in my mind). But, sadly he was just hobbling to get the mail. Last night he got a bit drunk and a bit obnoxious, he did the whole, "You'll be sorry when I'm gone routine." I was having none of it, so I just didn't respond. My mom said yes, I kinda wanted to shake her and ask her why she's still with him. He's a useless asshole and I hate him. He wasn't so bad when I was young, but he left when I was about 5 for 3 years in China. So basically, I didn't develop a really big attachment to him. When he came back he just assumed that he was my dad, which he wasn't. He has never been my dad. Then about 2 years later he started going out a lot again for work, so life went back to usual. And then suddenly he was home constantly. His partner robbed us out of lots and lots of money, and all this financial shit went down. So my mom, my mother who does everything for both us, had to use her hard earned money to pay for my dad. And then he hurt himself when he was working at Home Depot, and he fucked up his back. So now he's here all the time. It drives me nuts. I went from a kid who could count on being left alone (which I liked), to someone who now can't get a minute to herself. Sometimes he says things and does things that make me so angry, that I wish he could just hit me so I could kick the crap out of him. A week ago he threatened to hit me with wooden tray in his hands, and I told him to go ahead. My mom was standing there trying to talk him down. And I was dying for him to actually do it. Because at least if he hits me I can have a physical reason to show why he disgusts me. He disgusts me constantly. He doesn't give a fuck about me besides what people might think of him once they meet me. Sorry, for the rant, I'll shut up now. I've just been mulling it over and mulling over and it's driving me crazy. If I say any of this shit to people I know I just get given that whole, "Well, my parents blah blah blah." And so then I feel like I'm being a dumbass for hating him. Anyway, that's my story. I just wanted to say it once and for all. I hate to see that man in my mother's house on my mother's couch and eating my mother's food. He doesn't have that right.

Now, I'd like to sing you a song, "It's a beautiful, what a beautiful, it's a beautiful, beautiful day."

The Plot Sickens

My room is freezing and I feel like someone has hit me over the head. I woke up this morning, as per my usual with only 5 hours of sleep, and I felt like shit. My nose was stuffed and running, my throat was sore, and I kind of felt how I imagine road kill feels. My mother was not hearing it and told me to get up. I rolled out of bed, and got reading (Misfits shirt, flannel shirt, my fav black jeans, the belt I painted 2 years ago, my Docs, and my army jacket which I just finished studding saturday). Let's just say that when I got out of my car this morning I got more of the same looks from all of the kids in the parking lot, no one was smoking there cause it's too cold even for those vain fuckers. After two classes, I felt fucked, it was the whole, "I'm going to puke, crap myself, or faint, not in that order." The nurse actually let me out (what's up with that, I have no idea). My mother sounded sympathetic and wasn't angry (I asked if she was). As I trekked from the back of the school to the senior lot, I cut through the practice field. There are two ways to enter: One way is onto a path past a security guard (the one I hate, Missy), or a large gate which is not manned. Well, I went through the large gate, cut up and onto the path. I could feel someone following me, and even through the pounding sound of Reagan Youth, I heard keys jingling. The keys gave her away, but I just kept walking. She tapped me on the shoulder and looked, as always, pissed off and unfriendly. I pulled out my ID, and she let me go, "Don't cut through the practice field!" I just walked on, I didn't give a fuck, I felt like shit. I texted Anthony and told him I was sick and had left incase he was wondering, he said that he was. I texted Nina and told her I wouldn't be statistics, she told me to feel better.

When I got home my dad was there, and hadn't been expecting me. I read the first 2 chapters of Crime and Punishment for English, and then finally succumbed to my desire for sleeping at 11:50. My mother came in a few minutes later and talked to me, she was home (which is very rare) to have lunch with my father. That's the last thing I remember, and then it was 3:05 and the alarm was going off. My dad had definitely gone to the pharmacy, I listened quietly in my bed to hear if I was correct. I'm almost positive I was. I finally got up and started to read the last chapter of Crime of Punishment that was due, Anthony texted me to see how I was feeling. We texted back and forth for a while and then I left him alone.

He's been fighting for my honor (seriously, this is no joke) against our friend James, who thinks I ruined his chances to go out with this girl Brooke. Here's the thing: A) She was waaaaaaaay out of his league, he's a guy in the radio station and she's dating football players, B) I was no the one who told her he was asking her out, and C) I did so that he wouldn't be crushed. I was the first person he told (at least I think I was), but everyone knew what was going down. He didn't do it for 2 weeks (we all agree that he's a fucking pussy, and needs to grow up), but kinda feigned attempts at it. I had already talked to her about it and she was adimant that she felt bad but there was no way it was going to happen. I told him at the festival that it was definitely not going to happen. The next day he decided that he was going to almost completely stop talking to me. It's so dumb and immature. I guess he and Anthony were talking about it and Anthony was trying to convince him (of the truth) that I had only done it while looking out for his best interests. I think Anthony's words were, "that you didn't mean to do it." Now what IT is I'm not completely sure, this is implying some kind of blame on my part. Well, James can suck it, he's just pissed at himself for not having any balls.

Anyway, I'm mostly excited about a show on October 18th. It's World War IX and Blackout Shoppers, at this place about 40 minutes from my house. I'm going with Tanzen, Alexis, (maybe) Ned, (maybe) Anthony, and me. It should be awesome, I can't wait to see Justin, he's 22 years older than me.... and I have a giant crush on him. Haha, I've met his wife and he's not overly hot, he's just awesome an 39. I wouldn't mind him adopting me. I haven't seen WWIX since February and they're my favorite band, I saw Justin over the summer at a Kissy Kamikaze show and it was so much fun. I made WWIX patches over the summer and I love them and yeah. The show should be great and yeah, I can't wait.

Well, I should get to homework. I might end up going to school tomorrow and in that case I better be ready. = )

P.S. I have noticied that I feel like shit a lot, or I am sick a lot (they kinda go hand in hand), but hopefully I can get over this or whatever. Fuck, I really am sick this time.