Depression

I'm not really depressed, but, sticking with the theme of song titles, it's the closest I could get... or at least, the first one I could think of. I've been feeling completely shitty, and just sad, so I haven't been feeling like writing. I'll give you the and short of what's going on:

- On saturday I went to look at a college, and I really liked it. That night I submitted my college applications to all of the schools. It was terrifying, but exciting. College is going to be awesome!

- On sunday I went to Tompkins and saw a free show. It was awesome! I saw Blackout Shoppers and Trauma Team 666. I hung out with Jay from Endangered Feces and Justin. At the show I'm going to on saturday I'm going to read my poem that I wrote to Charles Bukakke. Jay asked me if he could call me "Lucy Bukkake" or "Lucy Ass" or just "Lucy B." I didn't even know what to say, but it would be pretty entertaining. I always consider nicknames to be awesome, especially the ones that people end up getting in the scene. They're always ridiculous and funny, my personal favorites: "Seth Amphetamines," "Blackout Matt," "Rev Mike" (cause he sometimes wears a preacher's shirt on stage), etc..

- On Halloween, I should be going into the city. Hopefully, it will be awesome. = )

Feeling blue makes me not want to write.

Intervention

Nothing is going on. I'm hungry. I'm craving. I'm fucking bored. TV sucks shit.

But, Chinese food will be coming, Celebrity Rehab will be on in less than an hour (the most ridiculous show ever, it also makes me want to KILL Gary Busey, he is the worst person ever), soon it will all be lovely again.

This reminds me, you guys need to watch this show, it's the funniest episode of Intervention I have ever seen!

This is a video of that show I was at on saturday, I'm the one with no hair on the right...

Check ya guys later... or whenever I get more bored.

Latin Roots

Lauren was just over, I gave her some weed I had that I definitely was not going to smoke. I had to take out of my stash, because all I needed was her getting pissed at me. I really want to get high, but not today, or tomorrow... can't be. I'll be on St. Marks and at Tompkins on Sunday for the show.

I don't feel like doing anything. Fuck. Anthony was supposed to come over and I wanted to see him. I was also planning on going out for Dylan's b-day party, but they're going to a theatre which is too far away from me, so I'm not going to that. He sounded kinda sad that I wasn't going... hmm. Maybe I've been a little flirtatious. ;-) Not really, I just like Dylan, he's a sweet guy.

Anthony and I might still be hanging out... I'm in a bad mood. Poor Anthony, he's so sweet. I think he worries about me sometimes when I get upset, I have a bad habit of getting into really bad funks. I think that being high last night didn't help me today, though it wasn't so bad today.

Tomorrow I have to go visit a college... which sucks lots and lots of ass. I have to wake up at 5:30 so that we can get there on time, and then I'm probably going to drive us home. It'll be me and my mother, which is good. If my father was there I would have had a conniption. I spent my entire in-school-therapy session basically going through the entire history of my relationship with my father and the reason why I hate him. It got me really worked up, but I didn't cry. I think that kinda made me feel like shit, I hate crying, but holding it in can make it worse.

Today in Latin class, my Latin teacher has been absent for the entire week, so we posted all of this really really dirty poetry on the walls by Catullus. My personal favorite quote is "my prick is poking out of my tunic and my toga." Who wouldn't love that? We taped it to the sign that said "Latin is Beautiful," haha! I just found the poem, so

Here is Catullus 32:

I beg you, my sweet, my Ipsitilla,
my darling, my sophisticated beauty,
summon me to a midday assignation;
and, if you're willing, do me one big favor:
don't let another client shoot the door bolt,
and don't decide to suddenly go cruising,
but stay at home & get yourself all ready
for nine - yes, nine - successive copulations!
Honestly, if you want it, give the order:
I've eaten, and I'm sated, supinated!
My prick is poking through my cloak and tunic.

Good shit, right? Here is a website where you can find more: CATULLUS! Personally, I would suggest reading 39, that's good. But it's all pretty entertaining. I think 15 and 16 are also pretty dirty. One of his poems ends with someone sticking radishes up someone else's ass. Haha.

Well, I'll catch ya later! = )

Liar

I don't know what's up with me and being so against weed and alcohol, but it's just bizarre. Honestly, in my twisted mind, opiates, speed, coke - oh that's all fine - but weed and alochol is horrible. I'm talking to Tanzen on the phone about how I don't want to be around Nina and Lauren while they're drinking and she says, "Uhh, I don't think it's as bad as what you're planning on doing!" I know, it's a fucked up logic, okay... My response to what she said was, "I'm not doing that, I'm not doing drugs, I've quit.".... haha, oh, maybe after right now. Fuck, I'm so dumb...

Halloween is more up in the air than before. I could go into the city and see Tanzen and spend the night running around the village and seeing the parade and going to Rocky Horror and having a good time. I think I'm going to go. It makes me nervous, but it's better than being alone at home.

I've been very melancholy for the past few days.... I don't have much to say. I got an A- on my last Statistics test (I know you're excited about that!) I'm also enjoying all of the good movies on television right now, the dumb halloween ones and Scariest Places on earth!

Check ya later!

Lady be good, do what you should, you know it will be alright

I can't sleep. I'm really bent out of shape. It's due to my friends. What I've come to realize is that, even if I'm not that close to people, seeing other people really fucked up on drugs or drink really bothers me. I saw Ashley the other day, high off of her ass (my guess is the first time in 4 months), smiling at me, telling me how "life is so good right now." I couldn't help but smile and say, "how many hours until life sucks again?" Her eyes were watery and blood shot, but beyond that she seemed pretty normal (ironically). But, this is really about Nina and Lauren. Nina and Lauren want to get drunk on Halloween and go trick-or-treating. I don't like drinking - in fact I kind of hate it. I have no desire to drink whatsoever, especially not coming home drunk. I hate how both of them just want to deplete their brain cells until there's nothing left. I know, I sound hypocritical. I am, but I can't help it. Weed and beer are just such a waste of a brain. All that it causes is for them to feel worse about themselves in the long run. I'm not saying that dope is far above other drugs, I just know that when I get really high on weed I hate myself, but when I'm off on the nod I don't really give a fuck. Watching someone get dependent on drugs is so much worse than you yourself getting addicted. I hate it. I feel so powerless and I just wish I could make all their pain go away, ya know? That's the thing, I can handle myself and the shit that I cause for myself, but other people, I can't deal with my friends being messed up.

I am also feeling particularly awkward and moronic lately. I can't seem to shake this feeling that I am some kind of joke. I don't know, I'm PMSing, which is just making everything a debacle. At the moment, I feel utterly hopeless and depressed and like a shit head. Come tomorrow I may feel just like Jesus' son. I think it's cause of this video of me from the show on saturday, I was listening to WWIX and so I didn't care how dumb i may have looked. But, God, did I look like a moron. That's just going to bother me now. At punk shows, I generally don't care, and now I'm going to think about it.

I just wish I could talk to people about this bull shit, and they could make it all better and just explain it all away. I wish I could tell my mother, she always makes me feel better when I'm freaking out. I can't stand all of this. I don't want to do anything, I just don't see the point, I feel suicidal, but it's just passing. That's the thing, I'm so wound up in my mind that emotions just become mental explanations. That's the only way I've ever been able to deal with shit, but turning it into explanations - it's also the only way I can have any self-control. Fuck, I just need to go back to sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day. It just has to be.

Gang Bang Island

Too many people were at my house, last night. It ended up being like a small party, I had 4 girls over and then Ned came over. And we were all chilling until Ned, Alexis, Tanzen, and I went to the show and saw WWIX and the Blackout Shoppers! *girly, high-pitched squeal* If you don't know already I have a thing for older men (well, yeah, basically the biggest crushes I have are all on guys who are approximately 20 years older than me). Before we went to the show we tried to figure out what the opposite of a cougar is, haha. Well, I have the biggest crush on Justin, who is 22 years older than me and the guitarist for WWIX. The coolest thing about him and the drummer John, as well, is that they always introduce me to everyone. I go places and I talk to them and then they'll be talking to another band and suddenly I'm being introduced "Hey, this is Lucy, she's really cool." I get this big teenage grin on my face, I love it. I'm slowly becoming a 17 year old staple of the scene, I can tell because slowly bands are recognizing me when I'm getting introduced. That's all I want, I want to be like Justin and know everyone. I was looking at their set list, and I said, "You guys aren't playing Gang Bang Island?!?!?" And Justin was like, "Oh shit guys, we've gotta play Gang Bang Island for Lucy!" So, right after Mike introduced the song, Justin grabbed the mike and said "This one's for Lucy!" I could have died. This was Alexis' first real show and I think she was a little afraid (I mean, drunken men slam dancing in a very small space can be scary, I guess). I tried to stand in front of them when we were standing at the back of the room, I guess I just wanted to protect them from a flying elbow or foot. Man, it was so much fun, I just love WWIX so much. Justin gave me a t-shirt and a record for free, and he came outside and talked to my mother. I can't explain it, it's just like when you know you've found the band for you, you stick with them and if they're cool they stick with you...

Well, I'm so overwhelmed by it and I'm thinking about just spending the day doing nothing. And that sounds lovely. = )

Portrait of sobriety

My bed is feeling warm and cozy and I'm counting down the minutes until I have to get up and get dressed so that I can get lugged out to the diagnostic place. Fuck, I hate it. Ugh, I feel bad for anyone who has to find a vein in my right arm... everyone thinks it's like a sandbox "if we keep digging we're bound to find it." I mean, well, that's always my thought, and apparently there's as well. I finished "Naked Lunch" today, man that was such a good book. The way Boroughs describes everything is like it's beautiful or something, or amazingly ugly, but either way it's impressive. I'm marked the book all up by underlining good lines. My arthritis was bad this morning when I woke up, back and knees and that kinda bullshit. The sun is coming into my room and it looks so peaceful and nice. Last night I spent with my boys: Zach and Anthony and Tyler. Zach came over to my house after school and we watched Dazed and Confused because he had never seen it. Luckily, he was one of those people who can see the humor in it, especially all the amazing lines that they say, "Do you have a joint?... Well, it'd be a lot cooler if you did." And then I dropped him off and picked up Anthony. Anthony are like a married couple, it's so funny. After we hung out at my house we went to the movies and met up with Zach, Tyler, Dan, Sam, and these two other girls. I met some people, these girls, who apparently really like my hair. Zach appeared to be chatting one of them up, so we weren't sure if we should leave him alone. And then I decided it probably wasn't the case and walked over. We all saw Max Payne, which was really really good. I had a big blue icee and ate about half of Zach's popcorn (I can finish one of those large tubes, it's like my specialty... though I do feel really sick afterwards).

I'm working on a T-shirt for Feet First, I did a basic idea on Gimp using images offline. The guy from FF (I'll just call him FF) says that he likes it but he's going to call me at 12P.M. so we can discuss angles, etc. (I thought telling me the time was kinda of funny, but I guess it makes sense). The first time I talked to FF he sounded like he was tweeking, the rapidity of what he was saying and how so many thoughts were just running out of his mouth. It was around 10:20 at night and I had spent most of my afternoon on the nod. My brain was still calm and cool and couldn't understand why he was working so fast. He kinda made my heart beat really fast, which freaked me out. I hate that, when people put me into nervous situations while I'm high and it feels like my heart is just going to beat so hard that it will pop out of my chest. I laid in bed later that night and my heart felt so loud. 

Man, I wish I could be high right now. Gotta stay sober, people are coming in today. Ned and Tanzen are coming in from NYC and Alexis is coming over. Sam may come over too. WE'RE GOING TO THE WWIX AND BLACKOUT SHOPPER SHOW!! AHHH! I'm so excited. I'm going to hug Justin as many times as I can (ugh, he's so awesome, and I'm such a 17 year old girl). Anthony and Matt may come, I'm trying to get Matt to convince his rents to drive them both. I can't wait! = )

Apparently, this guy owed Anthony some money, so he was paid in weed... I told him to sell it to this kid Ezra, who really wants to be a stoner (I've heard of worse goals). Yeah, I felt kinda bad for Anthony, he obviously just wanted money.

Okay, so I'll come back later with something interesting to say. = )

Teenagers from Mars

I don't have anything amazing to say, nothing insightful I feel completely drained of all thought. I've been so tired lately that I don't even want to get high, all I want is to be kept warm and left alone to sleep. I took a shower last night and I felt so good, my skin was so soft and I felt really warm and nice. Just kinda like everything that goes on had been washed off.

So, after skipping school yesterday to make sure Lauren didn't kill herself, even though my dad wrote me a note to make sure I didn't get in trouble, could still result in a detention (my first ever... I'm an angel, okay?).  Fuck, that will piss me off.

Not sick right now, THANK GOD! Man, if it's not one thing it's another with me. I have a blood test on Saturday, which is always entertaining. Haha, only the most skilled can hit veins in my right arm (which means that I was always screwed, especially cause I was using my left hand). Fuck, watching those people just stare at my arms, is enough to make me crazy. And then I gotta go pee in a cup, etc etc. It's for my arthritis, which is good because it also keeps tab of how my liver is doing. I'm really worried about fucking it up in the long run, but it's pretty safe for now.

I'm eating some pretty tasty Lucky Charms, and I just worked on my College apps, read some Naked Lunch... Life's okay today. All the songs coming up are really good on my shuffled play list. It makes me happy, it's the perfect stuff.

Tomorrow Anthony is coming over, and we get until at least 6:30 or 7 together tomorrow. FINALLY! = )

I'm getting an A+ in Statistics right now! And I got an A+ on my last Euro essay (she must not have read it, it wasn't bad, but wasn't that good). So, I feel good about myself. I'm a stellar student, obviously.

Nothing much to report beyond that... There was this weird moment I had at the show on sunday, though...

We were standing to the right side of the stage and waiting for the next band to go up. This guy I had seen walking around before came up to us. He looked half-Hispanic, half-Black, his hair was shaved into a mohawk. It was colored faded pink and blue, almost looking as if it was leopard print. He was gorgeous, but also about 30-something easily. He walks up to us and, as all people seem to do, says, "Do you have a dollar so that I can kill my last brain cell?" He stood right in front of me, and I did what I usually did: I stared at his eyes looking at the size of his pupils (I can' help it, my mind immediatley goes: "hmm... what drugs are you on right now?"). He looked at me though and something about it really struck me. I don't know what, it's just so vivid in my head. He was really attractive, I don't know why but just the thoughts of him just keep on replaying in my head over and over... Ugh, I'm so weird...

Anyways! Tomorrow is friday, wooooooooohoooooo! Thank God! And my friends shall be over on saturday for the show, so far I should be bringing 4 people or so. It's gonna be a party! = )

One Week

I'm so hungry, so I'm going to make this fast (I'm going to use bullet points):

- Stole a McCain/Palin sign yesterday off of my neighbor's yard with the help of Zach, and then gave it to Nina... I hope to be "picking up" a few more

- Ended up at Lauren's house for the last two blocks of school today because she told Nina she was going to kill herself

- My mother almost got really angry at me, but my dad - being the understanding man that he is - actually explained the situation to her and now isn't angry

- I'm getting a B+ in European History! A B in English! An A in Environmental!

- I've been very very very tired for the past few days. Dozing off in class, and basically passing out once I lay down to go to sleep at night.

- Anthony got suspended from the radio station for a week, so we get the entire afternoon on friday to hang out

- I was voted "MOST NON-CONFORMIST" of my class in high school for the yearbook, haha, it's kind of ridiculous

- I'm going to a WWIX and Blackout Shoppers show on Saturday, Ned and Tanzen are coming from the city to stay over the night and see it with me

- I went to Tompkins on Sunday, listened to some lascivious poetry (and was given a free book of it) and heard some excellent bands, I also got 3 hugs from Justin, hung with lots of people (and a few really cute older guys), was - as per usual - asked if I had any money so this really hott guy could go "kill his last brain cell" (I declined the offer), and I saw this girl that I hate

It's been a pretty good week, so far, weird, but not horrible. Anyway, I'll catch y'all on the flipside! = )

With a Little Help from My Friends

It's freezing... Why is it always freezing? It got warmer here, so my rents decided that heat was unnecessary... maybe for them! But, I'm always cold so now I just feel as if I keep getting shoved into an ice bath. I woke up this morning and light was shinning in from the window at the foot of my bed. It's so pretty, that's why I had asked for this room when I turned 12 (or 13? Must have been before that... maybe 11?). My nose is still sore from having that cold. I need to take a shower to wash all of the cut hair off of me, which should help my nose.

I really hope that Santina can still go, I would hate to sit here all day doing homework (which I don't have enough of to fill up an entire day with). I hope I get to see Justin or Mike there... AHH! I would have like a heart attack, I love them so much, and they're so cool to me. 

Haha, I've always been one of those kids who had adults (who weren't my rents) who gave a shit about me and treated me like I was really cool. This is the super condensced list: Chris my cuz, Stephen my cuz, Salil (they're friend), Scott (they're friend, I call him my "Dad"), Matt (I love Matt, he's so sweet, I wish he hadn't moved back to TX, he's my cuzs friend), Adam (I've known Adam since I was about 12), Steven W, Justin, Mike, Darryl, and anyone on here who wants to mentor me (come on, I know you guys are all just dying to be on the list!). I would say that the youngest person on here is Stephen my cus who is 27, but everyone else is over 30. No, it's not creepy, that's what you all want to tell me. But it's not. Salil always says that everyone besides him and my cuzs and their friends are creepers. I know that nothing I say is going to change your opinion one way or the other, but I probably would be a lot worse off I didn't have them their for me to talk to and sound dumb to. The thing that always strikes me with my cuzs and their friends is that they are always calling me "one of us," they're all geniuses which makes me feel like "oh, I'm not as dumb as I seem." Or they're saying, "yeah, Lucy, but you're not average" whenever I'm down on myself. Fuck, I love them all, they're some of my favorite people on this planet and I'm lucky that I know them. = )

Ugh, I have to go read "Crime and Punishment," which will be a party, right? And I have to shower so I'll come back and tell you about the show (crossing my fingers).

Have a splendid sunday everyone! = )

P.S.!!! I remembered what I was going to say, it's dumb, but whatever. Okay, so I was sitting next to James in Stat class and we were just being bored and talking. Somehow we got on to the topic of his arms (he likes showing off his "guns"). Now, we have joked about his arms since we were 14 as being "junky material" (kind of ironic, haha). His veins just pop out of his skin everywhere (mostly because the boy has no fat, he's all muscle and bone). And somehow we get on to the topic of his veins, or should I say he, because he's talking about it and I'm beginning to feel nauseous just looking at them. Suddenly, I blurt out, "CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR VEINS, NOW?" It wasn't that loud, and I don't think he wondered why, but I just had a bit of a moment... haha, yeah, I just felt like I was going to pounce on his arm or something if he didn't shut up... Told you it was dumb! = P

Part Time Model

Part of uncyclopedia's definition of "blog" - 

"The concept of "blogging" (not to be confused with Riverdance) is said to have originated in the Amazonian rainforest, where European explorers observed the native hunter-gatherers communicating by means of high-pitched whining and long-drawn-out musical glossolalia. Although no actual information was ever conveyed by this meaningless prancing, the locals appeared to enjoy the sight and sound of each other's attempts and dancing along with them. The native Amazonians new this practice in their own language as the "Surkull Juirc", but the name never really caught on in European circles."

Nothing happened today, it was boring. I went to the football game and hung with people. We beat the other team 14 to 13 (the game was actually pretty good, though slightly frustrating). I barely got to see Anthony because his sister and his mother were there and I didn't want to get knifed or beaten or AIDS (Felipe believes that Anthony's sister Amanda gave him AIDS in the hallway).

I got my hair cut, it's really really really short, not like skin, but pretty short. (You can't really tell in the photo). 

That girl called me about the show tomorrow, she's not sure if she can still go (why do people do dumb shit like this?). After we established that and awkwardly talked for about 2 minutes, she asked if I could keep talking (which seemed odd to me), but I was at Sam's house so I declined. It was kinda weird, I mean, she's really nice, but I barely know her and I'm really awkward on the phone. She said that her goal was to meet boys at shows, but maybe she's a... lesbian for me... SCANDALOUS! Haha, I'm just kidding, she was probably just bored. People who don't know me very well (and some who do) apparently think I'm cool for reasons yet undetermined by me (well, I could say some and sound really vain, so I'll just shut the fuck up), maybe she's one of them... I am a people person, haha.

Well, I'm going to bed so I can look hott for tomorrow. Catch ya'll on the flipside! = )

P.S. Listen to the song "Part Time Model" by Flight of the Conchords, it's amazing and it's stuck in my head... You're so beautiful... like a tree or a high class prostitute. You could be a part time model - but you'd probably still have to keep your normal job. I could see, that you were the most beautiful girl in the - room. In the whole wide room. = )

Reckless Abandon

I've been super bored this week (as you can see by all the posts), and everyone has been gone (yes, I had nothing to read from Mel or Gleds) and I had plenty of time to read because I was super sick. I'll start this post where my last one left off.

So, way against my better judgement, I decided to drive to the Bargain Box... I was feeling so fucked up in the car, I was going about 10 miles under the speed limit and when I got to the parking lot it was all full and as I tried to turn around this old woman was giving me the weirdest look. It would be my luck to hit these parked cars right now... What's she looking at? I should flip her off... So, I finally got inside and looked around. I found this ridic jacket for halloween, I might be Stevo from SLC Punk!, so this would be the perfect jacket. I know you're all very jealous, 5$! Oh yeah, I saw this flannel shirt that I thought about buying but it was about 3 sizes too big (an XL mens), so I decided not to. All of these old women were like following me and giving me dirty looks (I have no idea why all of the oldies were hating on me), and I saw this really butch lesbin (at first, I thought she was a he) who gave me a really dirty look. The woman who checked me out said, "Oh, this is such a lovely jacket." My only thought was Ma'am whatever you're on, I want. I mean, it's lovely in a super cracked out way, but not in a normal way. Anyway, the rest of the day was utterly pointless, I got home and watched TV and then I kinda went out for about 2 hours. My mom came in to wake me up for dinner and I couldn't really open my eyes, they fluttered and then shut. My thought afterwards was Oh yeah, that's totally not suspicious at all.

Today was uneventful. I went to school. My power point was not due in Enviro, so that was good. During lunch we had Latin club meeting, which was fun, I guess. Then, I had statistics, I really don't think the teacher likes me in that class. He's nice, but you can tell that he finds me distasteful. I think it's because I was supposed to be in AP, and all the kids want me to teach the class. Euro was okay, we discussed Renaissance art and I ate some potato chips. 

I went home after school to change and fix my make up. Which needs some explaining, because previously I said that Anthony was supposed to come over. What do you know, the boy had crew! I basically told him that either he makes time for me, or I dump him (well, actually, I wasn't that harsh, I just said, "Are you dating me, or the school and Matt (his best friend)?"). It's really pissing me off, but, whatever, I would never break up with him unless he severely fucked up, and I can't see that happening. I went to Dunkin Donuts, where I bought two donuts (I had a coupon), and had a very uncomfortable conversation with my friend's older sister and this stranger... yeah, my life is a partay. Then I went to the school, which reminds me, I need to fill up my car with gas. So, blah blah blah, went to the radio station, helped put down sound-proofing floor tiles. Anthony and Matt came, so I talked to Anthony and then we all got Chinese food. We all cut out at 6 (Anthony decided that he was out, if I was being kicked out of the station and because we weren't actually on air... our transmitter sucks). So, Matt, Anthony, and I sat out behind the school for a good 2o minutes shooting the shit. Then Anthony's dad was coming, so I hugged Anthony and got in my car. 

I called Lauren, and basically invited myself over. So, we hung out for about 2 hours and then Sam came over, at which point I sang her a song dedicated to her and then I sang her a song I wrote about our Enviro teacher. Then we went to Dunkin Donuts and listened to songs from the 90s and middle school (haha, we were really cool, especially because I knew all the words to all the songs that came on, I won't embarrass myself with the band names). We saw this really preppy kid from my classes in the parking lot, and he waived at me (mostly because I was kinda staring at him) and so I waived back... it was very very awkward, at least, that's how I felt inside.

We got back to Lauren's house and I felt this kind of sadness because of the absence of drugs... no, I won't say drugs, the absence of weed. I wanted to smack myself. Of all the things to really feel "sad" about, weed definitely shouldn't be one of them. Anyway, soon after Sam and I left, and I got home and serenaded my mother and my father. But, I called my father an asshole, and then he got pissed off, so I just decided to go to bed.

Tomorrow is another lovely day. Check you on the flip side! = )

P.S. on another note, I was thinking about driving around high... I have come to the conclusion that... It's very very very dumb.  And that it would be my luck to get pulled over by the cops.

Heroin

Oh, BTW, I'm going to quote unyclopedia for ya'll, because I was reading their definition of heroin and it made me chuckle:

"Heroin is a substance injected into your veins in order to feel like you've had 1,00,000 orgasms at once. Always comes in packs with tissue, and an instruction booklet provided by Pfizer. Current tagline is "Drug of champio" (the writer died of an overdoes before he could finish typing the letter "N" - shit happens). Very often people will mistake the substance for being "addictive," but we really know they are just a bunch of pussies who need to suck it up and get a job. Heroin has many uses around the house, including, but not limited to: a window cleaner, scum and dirty removal, Oxy Clean, Music Production, being Black, anti-diarrheal, cough suppressant, and penis reducer/enlarger. It is also useful for becoming "God.""

I know I posted a link to this before, but I thought I would just quote it so you didn't have to go through the hassle of clicking. = )

Astro Zombies

I'm in a good mood... I really really good mood. Partially chemical, partially natural. I've been bored and reading Gledwood's blog from the beginning. I always get into these moods where I just end up reading blogs for hours on end. Honestly, I feel so content with everything. I'm thinking about calling Lauren and seeing if her and Nina want to go to the Bargain Box with me later. I woke up this morning (as you can see by my last post) around 6 this morning. My body must be used to my regular schedule by now. I'm not really looking forward to the homework I have to do (a 1 page paper and a PP (power point) on Reagan's legislation and Rachel Carson for Environmental Science, and a paper for European History). I'm going to ask if I can wait to turn in the power point because I can't do it until my mom gets home tonight. My computer is a Mac, and our school only has PCs and so I have need to use her work computer. My dad's comp doesn't have PP on it. 

I can't wait to see Anthony tomorrow!!! He's going to come over after school and we're going to hang out... alone finally... in my room. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm only 17, and I'm a virgin. Yeah, one of the few, the proud. Haha, my friend Ned was trying to make me feel like shit about it previously (Ned's going to end up getting some girl preggers soon, I bet), saying that he felt sorry for anyone who left high school a virgin. The reason I'm a virgin definitely isn't because I'm a prude, but because the guys I date I never really like. Sure, I'll make out with them, I'll go to movies with them, but I'm not going to have sex with them. 

The last guy I dated was a total douche-bag, he treated me like shit and told everyone about our relationship (some things you just shouldn't tell people about). The thing was, he told my friends because they were in the play with him. How dumb can you be? If you tell a girl's best friends all this shit and then you expect them not to tell her. To break up with me (which I was planning on doing anyway) he told me that he cheated on me and with who and then told me "not to tell anyone." Hahaha, I told EVERYONE! Fuck that, and everyone knew what a douchebag he was. The funniest shit is that his friends who I became closer with while we were dating actually like me better than him. Felipe kicked him the nuts (haha, in an attempt to uphold my honor). Anthony was actually friends with Will and we both agree that he's a douche bag. I also ended up keeping his guitar hero. He hasn't asked for it back and I sure as hell won't going to give it back. Ahhh to be a teenager.

I've always told people this, the biggest problem for me is that: A) I get bored with guys easily, B) I date guys mostly because I can, not because I really like them, and C) most of the guys I date don't really know how to be a good boy friend. But Anthony has beaten the odds.

Wanna know a secret?

I think... I'm going to tell him... on Friday... that I love him... AHH! Hahahhaha, okay, so yeah, I don't know, I think I will. It's kind of exciting, kind of scary, but I really want to.

I feel like I have so much to say, not that I really do, but I will probably keep talking. For Halloween I think I'm going to make myself a zombie, I'll do my make up really well (we have so much fake blood and costume make up it's kind of ridiculous) and then I'm going to buy that ridiculous jacket and I'll probably just take an old pair of my paints and slice them up. Then I'll use this white dress shirt that I got free and make it all dirty. I might stick up my mohawk and put this red gel I have in it (you know, like my hair is full of blood or some other shit, or just because it will look fucking cool!). Anthony is definitely coming to Lauren's house for her Halloween party, he doesn't like Halloween (I have no idea why, he says he just doesn't). It's looking to be awesome.

What else.... my toenails are red! Haha, I painted them a few days ago, I never paint my toenails and it freaked me out the other night. It was dark and I looked down at my feet and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my feet. I think being sick has also made me hallucinate, I was having a serious panic attack when I woke up that there were ghosts in my room and I swore that my door was open even though it wasn't.

I should probably go shower because the cleaning lady is coming today. Out entire house smells like ass (or dog piss), and I can't figure out why (the dog hasn't actually pissed in the house).

I hope this has entertained you (or at least wasted your precious time). = )

We are 138

I feel like doing a post of the perfect Misfits playlist, because I'm bored and "20 EYES IN MY HEAD, 20 EYES IN MY HEAD, THEY'RE ALL I SEE, THEY'RE ALL I SEE, WHEN YOU'RE SEEING TWENTY THINGS AT A TIME, YOU JUST CAN'T SLOW THEM DOWN, BUT WHEN YOU'RE SEEING TWENTY THINGS, WELL YOUR MIND IT JUST CAN'T SLOW THINGS DOWN!" Haha, The Misfits the perfect blend of punk and horror movies. They're also good for weening people on to punk. So, here are the top 15 Misfits songs (20 is a bit much for a playlist, I guess):

1. Bullet

2. Spinal Remains

3. Last Caress

4. Hybrid Moments

5. Helena

6. American Nightmare

7. 20 Eyes

8. Astro Zombies

9. Braineaters

10. We Are 138

11. Static Age

12. TV Casuality

13. Some Kinda Hate

14. Dig Up Her Bones

15. Die, Die My Darling

I feel like Misfits are good because it's October and Misfits are a horror punk band (perfect for halloween). And I was craving some good, ridiculous, New Jersey punk. That's right folks, Misfits are from Jersey (haha, that's not surprising at all). I personally think the two best albums by the Misfits are definitely Walk Among Us and Static Age. Both you can listen to from the beginning to the end without stopping (they're also about 15 minutes long a piece).

Misfits... how I love thee. = )

Chairman of the Bored

I'm sick from school again today. I feel like shit. I'm freezing and so I've crawled under the covers. I'm feeling a lot better, I woke up and I felt pretty horrible. But, now I'm feeling better. I have off tomorrow anyway, so I'll probably spend that relaxing and whatever. I think I'm going to go to the Bargain Box tomorrow in town and buy some clothes for my halloween costume. 10$ can go a long way there, which is good. I've been reading "Naked Lunch" still, it's confusing. Extremely confusing. I keep trying to make it make sense in my head, but I just can't. It's lots of little stories all crammed together, I have no idea where he is, what's going on, or who the people speaking are. It's still somewhat enjoyable. Every time I think I've understood it, the story changes again. I'm going to see Endangered Feces on sunday, which is cool. This girl I met at the LCB show and then saw again at the Reagan Youth show is going, so she invited me. I'm trying to get Ned to come too and maybe Alexis. Endangered Feces is cool because during their set they always throw lots of toilet paper at the audience, so there always ends up being a big toilet paper fight. It's soooo much fun, I can't wait for the show. = )

Well, not much going on, mostly just boredom. Catch ya on the flip side! = )

It's A Beautiful Day

My nose is running a marathon. It's horrible, I feel like shit and when I feel like shit I don't feel like doing anything. I basically curled up on my bed from 4 to 7, at which point I finally got up and made myself some soup. It's that new Campbell's, and it sucks compared to the old stuff. Being the kid of two working parents, I learned how to make my own dinner: soup. I'm a connoisseur of fine Campbell's condensed and noncondensed soups. Basically, I know it, I love it, and I eat it almost daily. This new soup tastes tamatoey, which completely ruins it.

My nose hurts so bad, I've been sticking Kleenex in it all day. It's raw and horrible and I feel like shit. I got home and I thought my dad was leaving when I pulled up (I did a little cheer in my mind). But, sadly he was just hobbling to get the mail. Last night he got a bit drunk and a bit obnoxious, he did the whole, "You'll be sorry when I'm gone routine." I was having none of it, so I just didn't respond. My mom said yes, I kinda wanted to shake her and ask her why she's still with him. He's a useless asshole and I hate him. He wasn't so bad when I was young, but he left when I was about 5 for 3 years in China. So basically, I didn't develop a really big attachment to him. When he came back he just assumed that he was my dad, which he wasn't. He has never been my dad. Then about 2 years later he started going out a lot again for work, so life went back to usual. And then suddenly he was home constantly. His partner robbed us out of lots and lots of money, and all this financial shit went down. So my mom, my mother who does everything for both us, had to use her hard earned money to pay for my dad. And then he hurt himself when he was working at Home Depot, and he fucked up his back. So now he's here all the time. It drives me nuts. I went from a kid who could count on being left alone (which I liked), to someone who now can't get a minute to herself. Sometimes he says things and does things that make me so angry, that I wish he could just hit me so I could kick the crap out of him. A week ago he threatened to hit me with wooden tray in his hands, and I told him to go ahead. My mom was standing there trying to talk him down. And I was dying for him to actually do it. Because at least if he hits me I can have a physical reason to show why he disgusts me. He disgusts me constantly. He doesn't give a fuck about me besides what people might think of him once they meet me. Sorry, for the rant, I'll shut up now. I've just been mulling it over and mulling over and it's driving me crazy. If I say any of this shit to people I know I just get given that whole, "Well, my parents blah blah blah." And so then I feel like I'm being a dumbass for hating him. Anyway, that's my story. I just wanted to say it once and for all. I hate to see that man in my mother's house on my mother's couch and eating my mother's food. He doesn't have that right.

Now, I'd like to sing you a song, "It's a beautiful, what a beautiful, it's a beautiful, beautiful day."

The Plot Sickens

My room is freezing and I feel like someone has hit me over the head. I woke up this morning, as per my usual with only 5 hours of sleep, and I felt like shit. My nose was stuffed and running, my throat was sore, and I kind of felt how I imagine road kill feels. My mother was not hearing it and told me to get up. I rolled out of bed, and got reading (Misfits shirt, flannel shirt, my fav black jeans, the belt I painted 2 years ago, my Docs, and my army jacket which I just finished studding saturday). Let's just say that when I got out of my car this morning I got more of the same looks from all of the kids in the parking lot, no one was smoking there cause it's too cold even for those vain fuckers. After two classes, I felt fucked, it was the whole, "I'm going to puke, crap myself, or faint, not in that order." The nurse actually let me out (what's up with that, I have no idea). My mother sounded sympathetic and wasn't angry (I asked if she was). As I trekked from the back of the school to the senior lot, I cut through the practice field. There are two ways to enter: One way is onto a path past a security guard (the one I hate, Missy), or a large gate which is not manned. Well, I went through the large gate, cut up and onto the path. I could feel someone following me, and even through the pounding sound of Reagan Youth, I heard keys jingling. The keys gave her away, but I just kept walking. She tapped me on the shoulder and looked, as always, pissed off and unfriendly. I pulled out my ID, and she let me go, "Don't cut through the practice field!" I just walked on, I didn't give a fuck, I felt like shit. I texted Anthony and told him I was sick and had left incase he was wondering, he said that he was. I texted Nina and told her I wouldn't be statistics, she told me to feel better.

When I got home my dad was there, and hadn't been expecting me. I read the first 2 chapters of Crime and Punishment for English, and then finally succumbed to my desire for sleeping at 11:50. My mother came in a few minutes later and talked to me, she was home (which is very rare) to have lunch with my father. That's the last thing I remember, and then it was 3:05 and the alarm was going off. My dad had definitely gone to the pharmacy, I listened quietly in my bed to hear if I was correct. I'm almost positive I was. I finally got up and started to read the last chapter of Crime of Punishment that was due, Anthony texted me to see how I was feeling. We texted back and forth for a while and then I left him alone.

He's been fighting for my honor (seriously, this is no joke) against our friend James, who thinks I ruined his chances to go out with this girl Brooke. Here's the thing: A) She was waaaaaaaay out of his league, he's a guy in the radio station and she's dating football players, B) I was no the one who told her he was asking her out, and C) I did so that he wouldn't be crushed. I was the first person he told (at least I think I was), but everyone knew what was going down. He didn't do it for 2 weeks (we all agree that he's a fucking pussy, and needs to grow up), but kinda feigned attempts at it. I had already talked to her about it and she was adimant that she felt bad but there was no way it was going to happen. I told him at the festival that it was definitely not going to happen. The next day he decided that he was going to almost completely stop talking to me. It's so dumb and immature. I guess he and Anthony were talking about it and Anthony was trying to convince him (of the truth) that I had only done it while looking out for his best interests. I think Anthony's words were, "that you didn't mean to do it." Now what IT is I'm not completely sure, this is implying some kind of blame on my part. Well, James can suck it, he's just pissed at himself for not having any balls.

Anyway, I'm mostly excited about a show on October 18th. It's World War IX and Blackout Shoppers, at this place about 40 minutes from my house. I'm going with Tanzen, Alexis, (maybe) Ned, (maybe) Anthony, and me. It should be awesome, I can't wait to see Justin, he's 22 years older than me.... and I have a giant crush on him. Haha, I've met his wife and he's not overly hot, he's just awesome an 39. I wouldn't mind him adopting me. I haven't seen WWIX since February and they're my favorite band, I saw Justin over the summer at a Kissy Kamikaze show and it was so much fun. I made WWIX patches over the summer and I love them and yeah. The show should be great and yeah, I can't wait.

Well, I should get to homework. I might end up going to school tomorrow and in that case I better be ready. = )

P.S. I have noticied that I feel like shit a lot, or I am sick a lot (they kinda go hand in hand), but hopefully I can get over this or whatever. Fuck, I really am sick this time.

Junk Food Junkie Part Deux

This picture had to be put here because it's the greatest photo ever taken of me. It was in Lauren's kitchen, two fridays ago. We had just smoked and we came inside to get something to eat and we found all of this food. If I remember correctly: Lucky Charms, Oreos (2 packages), Chips Ahoy, Cosmic Brownies, Honey Buns, Coffee Cakes, Gold Fish, and Ice Cream. It was as if God had come into the house himself and left us this bounty of food. So, yeah, I couldn't keep a straight face as I praised him with all my might!

All This and More

Sam just called me to ask about a graph, wanting to know about how far apart the dates have to be put. Any other saturday and I would have been groggy, wondering why on God's green fucking earth are people calling me before 12. But, this morning I woke up around 10:30, mostly because my back feels like someone has been squeezing it in a vice and I wanted to read "Naked Lunch." When I bought Naked Lunch I had some deluded thought that it wasn't really focusing on dope, but it's just as H filled as Junky. I think I like it more than Junky, it's just more interesting. I should be doing stuff, I should be up and showering, or doing homework, or texting Anthony. ANTHONY!!! Just the boy's name makes me smile. Ugh, I wish he was here. 

We got to hang out all friday because his radio show was from 5 to 10. The Coffeehouse at our school was also that night (people can come in and play a song, or read poetry, etc..), which I was playing with my friend Nina (not the one I have a pictured, this is a totally different Nina). Well, our friend Felipe was really awesome and covered for Anthony while he came out and watched me play. He actually wanted to come see me play, I was really suprised when he said that. I assumed he was just doing it because I wanted him to. And afterwards when we were back in the both he told me I did really well and he let me wear his drug rug.... Now I'm all giddy and smiling. 

I've been utterly sober since Tuesday, no weed, no hydros, nothing. I don't know how I feel about it, I'll see how long I can keep this up. Ironically, I think that Lauren is going to be buying weed off me very very soon. Last night we were all hanging out and she asked me if I had any, and (as it so happens once in a blue moon) I do. She wanted it right then, but it was back at my house, I told her she could just come over today and get it, but apparently that's not here modus operandi (or an option she even wants to go down). She, like me, has a similar problem, all of our friends have the #s and now the dealers. Maya calls Lauren. Maya is your friendly neighborhood lesbian and once-upon-a-time high school drug dealer. She now has no car and no dealers to buy from (word is that she owes this guy mucho dinero), so she has to come to Lauren or Nina to help her. Honestly, I avoid Maya at all costs, she's the biggest creeper I know. The only thing Maya is good for is entertainment purposes (usually what she says is really entertaining after the fact). I should feel some kind of guilt, but none of us do. Our collective mental thought is: If you do something dumb or drug-related, you shouldn't be telling everyone because no one will take your seriously. Whenever I did call her, besides having a mini panic attack because of how uncomfortable she makes, it always A) short as I could make it, and B) spent listening to make sure she wasn't high so that she would remember it... Well, back to the story, Maya wants a dime or some #s, and Lauren's like, "Sorry, but you should call Nina."

Lauren and Nina have had a friend (more like lover's) quarrel, which is annoying because I have to hear both of them complain about the other. Sam and I are just sitting there trying to ignore her complaining, which we've been attempting to do all night (not very well, though). When, after all of us going to her house (we all drove our own cars, it was so ridiculous, Lauren totally wanted to race us, I kept up most of the time, but Sam lagged behind), we actually  addressed what she was saying. Fuck, I feel bad for both parties, Sam and I tried to calm Lauren down, but there really is no way to do that. My thought it that Nina is pissed because she is frustrated about not being able to make Lauren better, even though she knows she can't she wants to. Well, not much I can do about it.

Nina is getting shrooms (did I already talk about this, I feel like I have). Well, anyway, she's getting it from this kid Rusty, whose now in college. He was actually in my Latin class last year, funny kid, probably a genius, and now possibly an alcoholic (that's the word that's going around). She texted him during stat to see what was going on. No, word yet if this is actually going to happen, but whatever, what happens happens.

I have a lot of homework, which I should probably be doing. But, I'll get around to it eventually... maybe tomorrow at lunch. Did I tell you that I need a fucking hair cut??? The hair on the sides of my head is ranging from 1.5 to 2 inches, which is waaaaaaay too long. It's driving me nuts, I'm going to get a friend of mine to buzz if off sometime soon (like within the week). Yeah, so that's all folks!! = )

Check ya later!