I'm One

Humidity hung thick, as we walked back down the street to find the deli for more beer. The empty blocks of warehouses covered in graffiti and piss reverberated as I yelled how all I wanted were some drugs, please. I guess it wasn't really helping the situation, as we stumbled 200 feet behind a friend and her two acquaintances (allegedly I kicked one of the acquaintances in the head, after announcing that I wouldn't), making sure not to draw any attention to ourselves. They disappeared into a store about a block ahead of us, which we followed them into.

WE HAD FOUND IT.

THE CLOSEST DELI.

Yeah, I know. Pretty anti-climactic. Sorry about that. I wanted to draw you guys in, I guess. I'll recap the last few months as quick as I can:

-dated really sweet guy, forced to break up with him because he was too needy

-dropped acid for the first time--I now understand the squirrels (we climbed trees all day in Central Park)

-ran out of speed

-bought pot for the first time in ages

-offered speed by a friend, who sadly ended up leaving for a trip before I could procure it from her

-was given NuVigil by another friend to help counteract the inability I have to being awake before 12:30

-and am now sitting here... recuperating from a night of beer, punk shows, and fights (not me fighting, but everyone else around us, at one point I was in a hallway with a fight going on at each end).

I've been journaling a lot, sadly not on here. (by a lot, I mean for the past few days on the train).

I'm gonna keep posting stuff here though. I'm just bored, and empty. Like, it's not the depression kind of empty, it's the when-I-look-to-gage-my-emotions-there-doesn't-seem-to-be-any-occurring empty. I'm excited to try the NuVigil, I just need to entertain my brain some more. I'm hopefully getting money to buy coke with this week. My friend has really good connects, and so I'm going to share a bit with her as a finders fee. I figure that's only fair, seeing as how she's working at this cafe with me, and new hires don't get paid for like a month and a half after they start. I don't know, I'm hoping that will entertain me for long enough.

Anyway, I'm mad tired, and distracted by some crazy vampire movie on SyFy...

I'll post later after I try the NuVigil and maybe about the acid.

Night kids!

- Lucy

P.S. Anyone get raptured yesterday?

I got a Gibson, without a case, but I can't get that even-tanned look on my face, ill-fitting clothes and I blend in the crowd, fingers so clumsy, voice too loud, but I'm one, I am one, and I can see that this is me, and I will be, you'll all see I'm the one...

Santa was a Skinhead

My stomach is full of chocolate, milk, and percocet. I feel like a science experiment got wrong. I got sick at dinner tonight. We were at a fancy steak house, with nosy waiters and polished silver. My head first began to hurt and immediately the nausea kicked in, I could barely form sentences because there was too much noise and too many sights and thinking was too hard between the pain and the overwhelming scene. My mom took me outside and as I sat on the bench, in my cream sweater and dress shoes, wondering what was happening to my body, I began to shiver, but feel better. All I need is cold air and a quiet spot and I'm better. I have no idea what's happening to my body and it's really starting to freak me out.

Right now I'm trying to calm my friend down who thinks her boyfriend might kill himself. I feel bad. I feel powerless in plucking the advice out of the air. Usually, I know exactly what to do or say, I know how to read people. I know how to calm down fights and fix relationships and deal with bosses. But this. This is where I fail. Because no one can know exactly how a, possibly, suicidal person is going to react. In my experience, none of my friends who were suicidal have killed themselves and all we usually ever did was tell them how much we cared about them and that we were there for them. Although we couldn't help them completely, as long as we could get them to calm down enough to talk to us and get down to a more level mental state I felt better about it for the time being.

I feel so bad. I also told M, this new guy I'm seeing, not to smoke opium again. I am a hypocrite. I guess, it's to be expected. I'm doing finals this week and then off for Christmas.

I had things to say, but they're lost in my gut of sugar and oxy. Fuck.

"Santa was a Skinhead" covered by Showcase Showdown

Dexy's Midnight Runners...

I'm feeling the speed rumble in my belly and up to my head. It's like an electric shock down my spine. I want to run and run and run until I collapse. God I love it. It feels like butterflies in my stomach and I want more. Damn, speed. I'm saving some for the city. One day, I'm going to take a lot. And travel around the city. Feel the sidewalk lift up under my feet. It'd be so perfect. Early fall, still warm out, with a bloodstream full of speed. I so rarely take it, but it's so good. Damn. Damn. I wish I had someone to share this with. But everyone I know is too skiddish or is trying to get off drugs. Well, I say fuck all of that. Well, I probably wouldn't. Today I watched my friend pass out and hit her head in Walmart. I heard that sharp crack, I couldn't catch her in time. She's alright. But I can't even fucking save my friend. I know I'm a shitty person. But now I don't care and speed doesn't either. Speed speed speed. It just sounds cool, haha. I feel bad for her though, I was so worried about her. Her eyes rolled back after she hit the floor. I was worried she was having a seizure, but she wasn't. She's fine now, her head just hurts. I almost went to the hospital with her but her mom arrived. I'm glad she's alright. I had to run and get the cigarettes out of her car so that her parents wouldn't see. That's kind of hilarious. I sprinted through the parking lot to get them and then sprinted back. My dad got more oxy today. Tomorrow perhaps I'll take some if I'm feeling down from the speed. I move into the city in a week. Fuck. I can't wait. Life is alright I guess, I'm just gonna ride this wave out until I fall asleep.

Wicked Gravity

It's what I think I like to have, haha. No just kidding... okay, so it's 11:04 am... I've been awake for 14 minutes. Kind of. I wake up periodically during the morning, and once I've decided it's enough I wake up completely. Technically, I first woke up this morning at 6 am, since I left the black out curtains open and only the sheer one was left--if my room wasn't on the first floor (European) and so easy to see inside I would've left both curtains open.

It's now 11:24 and I have tea and chocolate rice crispies... yeah. The smell of weed is climbing from the concierge below me and through the cracks beneath my window. Smells pretty good. I wouldn't mind a hit. Perhaps. I'm very weird about weed, not much of a fan in general. I started snorting percocet at the same time my best friend (and in turn, me) started smoking weed, and I didn't get it. I just didn't understand why you would want to have such a shitty high. Didn't make any sense to me, still kind of doesn't. But, I still enjoy it occasionally, as long as I don't smoke too much because I have a tendency to get burnt out--which always feels to me like someone is just squeezing my skull until it's supposed to pop and that the world is way too much for me to even understand, and usually I just try and sleep it off. It reminds me of how it used to be when I would take vicodin all through out the week and then not do it on the weekends. I would just get super intense headaches, and at first I didn't connect the two.... because I was a retarded 16 year old.

Anyway, it's now 11:46 and I have to work on this paper showing Jim Carroll "my Paris." I've decided that I might as well take a little to get me in the right mindset. Haha, or something like that. Something incredibly false. I don't know, I'm doing the math... as per my usual neuroses. 3 codoliprane = 60 mg/30 = 2 pills of 5mg of hydro. Isn't that beautiful? I did place out of college math, guys, I'm obviously a true winner.

12:03... my friends just got back from Barcelona and Rome. And apparently, I'm going to go get sushi tonight. It's expensive, but I didn't buy any chicken at the grocery store because it was all expired already. I have 20 euros in cash... so... yeah. Fuck, I need to refill my navigo today, so that I don't have to wait online on Monday. A Navigo is like a metro pass, you buy a month or two weeks, and whatever zones in Paris/the banlieurs you travel through. I only have to buy two weeks because in two weeks I will be home! Home and free and probably asleep, since it will be around 6 am. Mike will hopefully be there, also hopefully asleep, he usually doesn't sleep very easily, besides when I'm around or when he's high. And we need to avoid that last part, haha...

Fuck, okay, I'm going to start this paper and not go back to sleep, which is what I did yesterday, but that was because I was upset. If I get upset, I can make myself go to sleep, and so that's what I do and pretend that it's not going on.

Check ya guys later!

- Lucy

ADDENDUM:

2:13 pm... my friend got back from Amsterdam yesterday and brought back weed. I love having friends who will trade drugs for hanging out.

Umm... Happy New Year... or something like that...

Okay, so because I suck at doing this right now... I'm just gonna make a list of awesome shit happening...

-Seeing Mike on Saturday for the first time in 4 MONTHS.

-Punk show my friend set up for me the next Saturday, all of my fav bands are playing.

-Punk show the weekend after that which I set up.

-Seeing all of my friends...

-Hopefully getting to jam before I go back to Paris...

-Oh yeah, and I've been sober from all stupidity for 2 and a half like legitimate months or so... and I was really worried I would fuck it up when I got home, but I haven't, and I don't plan on it.

- IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A NEW AWESOME DECADE... I go between really freaking the fuck out about the new year to be excited. I'm excited. A bit scared, but excited nonetheless.

- I wrote a whole paper for school about when I first started doing drugs and the lying that goes along with it. I talked about Laura ODing and dying, and about me being one of the lucky ones, and blah blah blah other self-obsessed crap... I did end up getting an A- on it though.

I really want to do drugs. I do. But then I try to remind myself that it'll only make me feel like terrible crap afterwards. That'll I'll get high for a while and push myself down into a hole afterwards. I'm gonna do my best to keep away from drugs, because I feel like the longer I stay sober, the better my moods will be, and the easier it will be to keep away.

An entire life of no getting really high? It sounds kind of sucky. But, I'm gonna keep trying to not think of that aspect and instead focus on just keeping it up for now.

Everyone at my school knows, my friends have called me a "drug addict," talked about my "track marks" (these kids wouldn't know track marks if they had them on their own arms, but I'm trying not to really yell at them or get offended), and enjoy reminding me not to do drugs. It's good in some ways and bad in others. I mean, I just hate that name "drug addict." I don't know, I try not to rock the boat because they mean well. I definitely am glad to have people looking after me.

One of the times when I took all of this codeine in Paris (haha, okay, so retarded... I'd never tried it and I decided to just get high, so this was my easiest method) I had basically an allergic reaction. My face grew flushed, I was hot, and itchy. Not like the regular kind of itch, a terrible completely overwhelming itching which covered my sweaty, red face and body. I took some cough syrup because it had antihistamine and suddenly it all went away. After that, I never had a problem with taking that shit again. It was extra bad because 2 of my friends were there and had no idea what was going on. One of my friends, had lots of "druggie" friends back home, so I'm sure she guessed something, I'd also told her about my past. But my other friend, Susana, I'm sure had no idea what was going on. I felt kind of bad, but I was fairly high afterwards, so it was fine with me.

So, it's now time to bring in 2010... a new decade. The first no opiated New Years for me since I started doing drugs. I'm gonna get drunk, and I probably won't really smoke any weed. I got way too high last night. Lauren told me it was called "creeper weed," because you'd smoke some and then a few minutes later you would get a lot higher and you wouldn't notice. I was literally like special ed level last night. Lauren even told me as much. I don't think I can handle it. It really made me depressed and it just sucked in some ways. But I have a few beers (aka 2) and some rum (aka about 4 shots...), and I will drink all of this and then Nina is bringing a bottle of vodka, so I'll be well taken care of. I would rather get high, but not happening.

Anyway, I hope you all have an awesome New Year's!

- Lucy = )

34 days... and it's BLANCHE NUIT!

Tonight the entire city of Paris is staying up to run around and see all the crazy art exhibits... I finished my homework earlier and I'm just kind of chilling out, thinking about working on some other shit I have to get done. I feel like it would be a lot easier to stay up all night if I had some coke... not that it'd be pleasant the next day. But it's nice to stay up all night and not even realize the sun is rising and it's morning until 7 am.

I'm gonna make myself a screwdriver to carry along with me on the journey... and slowly, get fucked up. I'm sure we'll buy beer and shit as we go, which is what I want. I want to slowly dive into drunk land, because if I get drunk before hand it'll be way unpleasant.

Last night my friend sprang into my room around 2 am, high on hash, but I was alright cause I was lonely and pissed at some of my other friends for flaking on me and forcing me to spend the night alone. We talked to Mike on the phone for a bit, cause I told him I was going to beforehand, and she was kind of bitchy about that (as if she had the right to be, I was putting her up for the night... not by choice). Anyway, we started talking about drugs, and how people here are behind us in the whole partying thing. At 18, I'm much chiller than I was at 16 or 17, I kinda grew out of the whole LET'S GET FUCKED UP ALL WEEKEND deal, so we're just at a different place in our life. She was talking about how she almost did heroin once, but the needle freaked her out, and I had had a little to drink, so I rolled up my sleeve and I was just really telling her how I fucking missed the needle, and I don't know, it's that yearning that I sometimes get, but I really don't usually tell people about it. I woke up, at 8 am, still missing it, I don't know, it's a bad week for me and the cravings. Anyway, I kicked her out of my room, the metros are open, she could go home now. I don't know, I kinda wanted to be left alone and have my room to myself again.

It was weird man, I don't like really talking about that kinda stuff for that reason, but I mean, sometimes my mouth gets the better of my brain.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

- Lucy = )

Depression...

I just want to go home, to New York. I don't wanna be here. I'm so lonely man, and bored. And I have to drag people to do shit with me, and it just makes me feel shitty and dirty and unwanted. I hate tonight. I hate today.

And I don't wanna finish my drink, because everyone fucking left, and I don't wanna drink alone when I'm upset. I know that's bad. Today is bad.

I just hate this depression man. I hate it so much.

I've been killing my brain cells!

I keep killing my brain cells. I won't have any by the end of senior year. I'm just bashing them into alcohol and weed and pills and whatever I can get my hands on. It's kind of entertaining. I like drinking and smoking and chilling out. I've been to a few parties recently... no shows, sadly... and a whole lot of couches. I'm out drinking the best of 'em and smoking with the platinum level stoners. It's come to the point now where my brain at the moment is just perpetually on the fritz, causing me some speech and spelling dumbness. I'm also way way sick.

Fuck, I have no idea what to talk about.

I went to the city and posted/handed out some fliers to some hot crusties (4 of 'em, who seemed quite into my birthday show). Oh, how I love them. I have to find a prom date now, not that they would be it, but I just thought of it. I have to get a dress, too, and shoes. Fuck, I have to do homework at somepoint this week. At least one thing is for sure, I'M GOING TO NYU. Yup, you're favorite little-junky-stoner-dumbass-punk kid. I'm such a weirdo, so its kind of the perfect place.

Fuck, I'm waking up early tomorrow, hopefully I'll find something for my brain to make this next  posting worth while.

Love you all!

Lucy

Glue Man

I have been going on an emo-teenage bender these past two weeks. I feel like crap about everything. I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate how I look, I can see nothing good in anything I do. And, being that this is the technology age, and this is my emo week, I wanna tell it to all of the people I look up to over the internet. Oh yeah, it's like a motherfucking emo-dial, ready to freak people out. Luckily, I'm fairly aware of how bad this will make me look, so I'm keeping it to my good friends and shit and not going on about it on myspace or facebook or anything else.

Not to mention I have strep throat, which is really only adding to my cheery demeanor.

Anyway, this weekend I went to Tanzen's 18th birthday party. We met up early to go to a book signing in the city, which we bailed on about 2 hours into and gave the books to her sister who works at the cafe attached to the bookstore to get the books signed. Walked over to the Strand and I bought another Irvine Welsh book, HARDCOVER, for 5 bucks. God, I love used book stores. Then we wandered down to the salvation army and I got a brand new flannel for 3 bucks. Jordan texted me and told me that ARCHY was down at ABC for the show. I had already told him I would go down and say hey and shit, so we walked down and I ruminated on the idea of a possible fight. Got down there and said hey to Jordan, who was steaming over her presence at the show and seemed to be going into a state of testosterone filled rage. I stood there and he paced a bit around saying hey to people, kind of acknowledging me kind of not, just kind of speaking and not really giving a fuck that I was there. I said hey to Emz too, who is a 14 year old I've befriended and given protection from the Crew. Good kid, smart, I just told her not to get into too much trouble. Anyway, after saying hey to people there, the management was yelling for people to go around the corner or go inside, we weren't paying, so we walked up to a Diner to grab some fries and sodas. My feet were killing me by now because of the fishnets I was wearing. We walked for another 45 minutes to Thompson street to go to Generation Records. A store in front of which I promptly put on pants to keep my legs warm. Yes, I almost striped on the street, but not really because I had on my dress still. Tanzen also took some hot photos of me in the process, haha. Went in there and I bought a new Zero Boys button, I just love them and they aren't appreciated enough and don't have merchandise in a lot of places. 

During this time I kept smoking, I have a bad habit of smoking a lot if I have a pack. I don't usually have smokes, but when I do I chain smoke them, haha. Finally, after lots of walking we went up town and did all the shit for the party. All of us kids hung out, I saw most people I knew, and if I didn't know them, I quickly did. Haha, I'm good at mingling. This guy was serving up tequilla from the bar, and he was being obnoxious as shit about it and making everyone, including myself, drink it straight. I don't like tequilla. I will only drink whiskey straight. So, I drank it, but I kind of just sipped it, I don't usually force alcohol down. I probably had 4 or 5 shots, and so I was feeling a bit inebriated by the time the party winded down. I was then forced to go to the Marriot, I good 6 or 7 blocks away and ride the glass elevator, which was cool, but a long fucking walk. When we arrived in Brooklyn I was tired, Molly was puking in the subway station, and Commie (yes, as in he is a Communist and people call him Commie) was getting a bit touchy-feely, so when we got back to Tanzen's house I headed upstairs and fixed the futon up and got into bed fast. There was a bit of discussion over whether or not the leaves that Irina gave her were Salvia, which they are. I told Tanzen not to do anything stupid. The next morning, Tanzen, me, and Marci went on the subway. On which I was informed that it was a surprise to Marci how intelligent I am. This made me laugh, and I told her that tequilla happens to lower my IQ. We hadn't talked at all at the party, and the most words I had said to her in the morning were probably me yelling at her and Tanzen to shut the fuck up or I was going to beat them up, because I was trying to sleep and I was a bit hungover (haha, I'm not a morning person).

What I guess could be the most important part of this was what we actually talked about the day before, and how it coincided with our train ride once it was just Tanzen and I. I started talking to Tanzen about the whole coke situation, blah blah, and how M makes me fucking nervous as shit, how I don't know how to contact her without her verbally abusing me over the phone (haha, sad but true, this girl scares the shit out of me). Tanzen said something that legit scared the shit out of me, and is making me feel a bit guilty and glad that I haven't given her any drugs or anything besides weed (and hydros, but only once, because lets face it, I'm selfish and I feel guilty when I fuck her up. Ironically, my own selfish intentions, are helping her). She said this to me, "Weed is known as a 'gateway drug,' and I've been standing in the door way for far too long." My immediate reaction mentally was, "WOAH! I didn't realize that she really felt like this. Is this my fault? Have my own stupid stories and drug problems and shit causing my friend to think that harder drugs are the answer to her problems? Fuck..." It actually soured me to the thought of drugs for the entire day. I just thought about how much I love Tanzen, she's my best friend, and how I don't want to be the reason for her ever having a drug problem. At the same time, I crave a partner in crime, but it's not bad enough for me to want to risk her in the process. I mean, I'm a dumbass, I make bad choices constantly. I keep fucking up sobriety, as I did today, as I did two weeks ago. I keep ending up depressed and feeling like shit and not letting myself long enough time to normalize, before I just fuck my brain up again. I don't want this for her, and I don't want her to be in any way drug-dependent. I have been known to be easily able to influence people into doing dumb shit, I've always been a good talker, and I can talk up my own shit. Is my mouth gonna fuck up my friends. I don't know.

I worry about this shit. I worry about her. I worry that I got high yesterday (it was today, but I guess now it's Tuesday morning) and it barely changed my feeling towards the world. I am actually pretty sick, which sucks. I am going to be 18 in 5 days. Holy fuck. For 5 more days I am still just a minor threat.

I'm trying to stay positive and not do anything dumb.

Love you guys and hope you guys are having better days than me!

- Lucy

Cocaine

We sat in Lauren's living room. Nina was kneeling on the floor, rolling a joint on the coffee table as we talked. Apparently, earlier in the day she had gone over and seen Maya. Maya had been sitting in her house, cigarette hanging from her lips, and Monster can filled with vodka in hand, when Nina had entered. Her and Nina shot the shit for a while, Maya had been in rehab going to school and shit for a while, but only had to go in after 12:30. She was still going to be graduating with us, which pissed us all off because we were doing way more work. Maya had also been hospitalized recently for depression, but that's all that was said about it. She had been caught last year for possession of large amounts of pot, which had ended up causing her mother 17,000$ in legal fees. Maya has to pay back her mother, but "nowhere is hiring." Mhm. Sure. So, she has to move some wares to earn a few bucks. However, her wares are finally interesting. She has vicodin and coke. Well, ironically, I don't have much of a desire to pay for vicodin, but for coke... well, sign me up! Anyway, I gotta contact her, which is gonna be easier said than done. Although we were friends, you can't call her because of police shit, and if I ask my friends to talk to her, well, I'll get shit for wanting to buy coke. Nina apparently doesn't like vicodin because it makes her itch (I think the girl is obviously fucked up if she doesn't like opiates, and your biggest complaint is itching, frankly, itching is not one of my concerns, and I don't think it should really be that bad for how much she was taking... but, that's neither here nor there), so I can't use that as a ploy. I'm gonna see if I can send her a message and see how she is. I figure that a customer is a costumer, and she will probably still be cool with me buying from her. She has always made me uncomfortable, so I don't really wanna do it, but I do want coke, so well, it'll be worth it. Tanzen has signed on to try some if I get it. She was, 'worried about the whole snorting thing.' I told her not to worry, haha, that it isn't a big deal. I can't help but be excited thinking about the prospect. I gotta send her a message and shit still... hopefully I'll get the balls to do it, since she makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE. You really don't understand, I am legit afraid to contact the girl.

After I went off into a dream world surrounding coke, Nina, Lauren, and I smoked the joint. I was somewhat high, and decided to go off to school after about 45 minutes. I got in when everyone was in lunch, and then went through all my classes. The classes are shorter this week due to testing, so it didn't take too long. I'm pissed off at Zack for being so flippant about everything. I don't know why I only choose guys who are like that, but whatever, I'm trying to get over it.

Well, I'm trying to focus on the positive in light of the negative.

Check ya later!

- Lucy

= )

Sassafras Roots

I sat there on my bed, trying to figure out why no amount of intelligence could compensate for my complete and total ineptitude. Zack was sitting there telling me it was alright, and I knew he felt bad for me. I felt even worse for him, here he is, dating me; No amount of bravado and devil-may-care attitude could make up for my complete stupidity. At least, thats how I felt. I don't know why, but for me, there is this level of having to compensate for all insecurity with either a trump card on whatever subject or bravado. If its drugs, well, compared to all teens I know I can always win, but I don't usually pull it out; regaling others with stories of needles in arms and blood on the ceilings usually ends with the inevitable shunning. If its punk, well, I'm the young punk-poet of the scene, whose already been thanked in one album, has been told that she will have to play bass for a certain band at 21, and is always being handed beer by the bands headlining. If its school, I'm in all AP classes and headed off to stellar schools. But, sexually, well, fuck it, I have no experience. I can't even pretend at it, and I don't try to because it will end in me looking like a fool. Also, I usually play up my inexperience to be a good quality, giving my non-virgin friends shit.

In some ways, it's just me covering up for all of the areas that I lack in. Its weird, people consider me a role model, WHAT THE FUCK? I'm just good at covering up my flaws, I can make people laugh and I got enough charisma to bullshit my way out of most situations, but there are certain things that those things can't make up for.

I'm a nervous fucking person as well. Basically, what happened on Friday was my fault because I put pressure on myself to have sex, when I shouldn't have been doing that. I know it. I knew it. I'm just too much  of a coward to admit it to myself. I just hate how people fucking hold it over my head, it makes me want to bang there heads into the pavement (haha, a lot of the shit people do makes me have that reaction). I guess, in some ways, I don't want to be an 18 year old virgin, there is a stigma that I have placed on that, which is dumb. It's like living in your home town when you're middle aged to me is also failure. I do dumb shit like this in my head all the time.

Also, I guess, Zack's not a virgin, and I wonder what his last girlfriend was like. That bothers me. Like, what if he's always comparing me to her? Does he like me more? Etc. Etc. I'm making myself worry over shit that doesn't matter. And I know he really does care about me, everyone says it, everyone sees it, even I see it, I just can't be content being happy. Mostly I'm afraid I'm going to fuck this up, I mean, I've been able to get out of a lot of shit, but I worry about this.

And Zack doesn't seem to really care. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. But I just wonder shit, if he likes me as much as I like him, I used to think it was the other way around, but now I'm concerned. I miss him. I almost started to cry today because I just wanted him there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I worry I freak him out.

I'm worrying myself crazy over shit that he and I will both laugh about later.

Being a teenager, everything is filled with bits of tension and anguish at all of the things you don't know how to handle. Going to shows for me still ties my stomach in knots, I feel like I never know what's waiting for me up the stairs or down them, or just through the fucking door. You're constantly forced to prove yourself to your peers and adults and yourself, even. I don't feel confident half of the time with the shit I'm doing. And sexually, well, fuck it. I have no idea what to do. I mean, sure mechanically, I understand. But I have no idea in reality what I shoult be doing. Or what other people or doing or shit like that. I lose my cool. I become the loser that I am when shit like this goes down.

What is most upsetting to me are animals and the sluts at my school can do this, and I can't. And my IQ is way higher. Fuck. It's not fair. Why am I so fucking awkward? Why can't I be normal for 20 fucking minutes? Fuck it. I like myself, and I hate myself. I'm going to try not to delete this post.

After pit practice that night, Roma took me out for ice cream and we talked about it and she just consoled me and made me laugh. Then I went over to Lauren's and she did the same. Jordan kind of disturbed me, but he was just trying to help. Nina R also tried to consoled me, but talked down to me, and she doesn't really understand because she's always been more experienced than me since we were in middle school. I've known her for so long, and we've always been there for each other, especially on relationship issues, but she's always been leaps and bounds ahead of me. And the other Nina and I talked about not having sex with our more experience boyfriends, and laughed about it and shit. My friends really did help me not feel like a complete ass. Santina told me that I had the plot for a "coming of age" story, and if she only knew the half of it, haha. My laugh is a fucking made for TV movie.

Yesterday I had to get out of town, so my cuz came and picked me up and I stayed at his house in South Jersey. Basically, it's this big group of Texans who have all moved there from this company they used to work at in Austin, to one in NJ. They're all really cool and most know me fairly well. My favorite is this guy Matt, who was finally back after moving back to TX in April. I missed him. He was one of my favorites, we'd watch TV until 3 a.m.  and just shoot the shit. We did the same thing yesterday, until he had to leave around 12:45 while we were watching SNL. He also gave me some chocolate Sam Adams. I don't really like dark beers, but it was alright. There was a little bit of an after taste of tootsie roll, which was alright, haha. Then I had a Miller Light, which was alright. Not my favorite. I feel like beer cans have more drink in them than sodas, because I can finish a soda so easily, but when I drink a beer it just takes forever. We all watched Half Baked and chilled out. I got a little tipsy, the alcohol just made me a bit dumber and made it easier for me to laugh at all the ridiculous parts of that movie. I love Jim Breur... he's cute. I stayed the night and slept on the sofa next to a few cans of Miller. It was like some had lit a weird beer-candle, and if I lifted my head I just got a big whif of it.

Well, none of this is really important, I'm psyched about tomorrow cause we have no school due to snow. My friends are all excited about smoking a lot of weed and going sledding. I'm hoping to smoke myself stupid, to the point where it's a problem to coordinate your feet to walk and shit. That's the only kind of high I like. One of the reasons I used to not like weed was because it just didn't ever hit me hard enough. I need that deep fucking punch to the face. I know that I shouldn't be drinking and smoking away my problems. It's only partially that though, so I'm not going to worry that much. Anyway... nothing will ever be easy for me, haha, but one day it'll be better. I'm going to try and get over myself.

I love you guys!

I'm going to go sledding with Lauren, the Ninas, Sam, and Zack. I'm going to bake him some cookies, and be the cute, dutiful girlfriend that I am. Haha, or at least my attempt at it.

- Lucy = )

BTW, Melody, thanks for the comment before. It made me feel a bit better.

Elevation

It was a half day today, so we got out at 12... I filled up my car with gas at the sketchy gas station. I couldn't understand the Indian man with the really thick accent there. Situations like that intimidate me because I feel bad, having to say, "What??" After that ordeal, I landed at Lauren's house, and we waited and waited and WAITED for Nina to come over or for Zack to be ready. But, Lauren and I decided to fuck it and we walked out and started to smoke. However, her pipe is really shitty and hard to take big pulls off of, so we stopped and right as we did, Nina appeared with two joints. She wanted to hike up this big hill, but Lauren and I were both hesitant (it's the size of a mini-mountain, very stiff and slippery due to leaf litter, and we would be high). 

Anyway, we got outside and we went to this fort in the wood that the neighbors built. We got inside and smoked the two joints at the same time, which was hard and annoying. Haha, Lauren was impressed with Nina's "craftsmanship," because she used magazine for the filters. So, after smoking both of them we headed onward. After much climbing, and my own issues, as I tried to mount it on my hands and feet (I felt like such an animal, I was also positive I was gonna fall down and die, haha, but it was still fun). When we reached the top, which is near the road, we found some animal bones. As we dug them up it was really funny, because this man legit slowed down to a stop and just stared at us. We all decided that he might be about to call the cops, so we better get the last of the bones and head back down. (During this time we also had to keep stopping Nina from lighting the woods on fire, haha). 

We got home and ate cheese doodles (which are apparently MADE OF REAL CHEESE, which was an exciting discovery, haha) and we watched dumb videos on youtube which were supposed to "enhance" our high and make the walls move and shit. It did that somewhat, but it was hard for me to focus on it and I kept getting distracted. Also, there was one where the guy kept talking and I couldn't handle it, I was laughing hysterically and shit. IT WAS RIDICULOUS. After way too much of that, I decided that it was 3 and I better get home to do homework and practice bass and go to pit practice. 

Zack was still MIA until I was driving home when he texted me. I kind of fought with him last night, and was in a shitty mood. I felt bad taking it out on him, but I didn't on some level. He kind of deserved it. He didn't understand that the fact that he didn't give me my Valentine's present wasn't about WHAT it was, but that he got it thinking of me. Also, I mean, it's super late. Apparently he spent 30 dollars on it, or at least that's what Lauren remembers him saying.

Today at school, due to African American History month, we had some of the African American students speak and we had a reverend speak. This one guy did, whose super cool, and everyone loves him. I could definitely see him as the president of the United States, he's so charismatic and intelligent, we've always believed that he would become a politician. The Reverend sucked balls, he had no idea what to say, and you could see he was freaking out. This other girl sang and she was AMAZING. It was so impressive. My friends thought it was actually pretty good, which I was surprised about, seeing as how my friends can have a hard time taking stuff like that seriously.

I have pit practice later... ugh... I haven't practiced at all. I am so lazy in that respect. I haven't done any homework either and I'm still a bit high. It's hard for me to handle focusing on shit when I'm this tired. I think I'm gonna nap for 30 minutes and then practice... and then eat...

FOOD. haha. Oh man, I'm going to have no brain cells by the time I'm 20...

I reminded Nina to pay back the other Nina, because she shorted her about 7 bucks, and it was a sale. I feel bad when I tell people shit like that because occasionally they get offended when I'm like, "Yo, so and so was talking about you doing this, and you need to fix it before they get pissed." I can't help it, when I'm high I just want to play the middle man, but it can be bad.

Anyway, I'm going to go and take a nap or watch tv, and waste some more of my time. I'll take pictures of the bones once they are bleached.

Love,

- Lucy = )

I tried to find videos of "Elevation" by Television, but all of the ones on youtube aren't the real band or are of U2... how lame. Anyway, you should look up Television, one of my favorite bands and Tom Verlaine, the lead singer, is from my hometown. = )

Rudie Can't Fail

I've been listening to the Clash all day. If you wanna know a few songs I really like, if you don't know the Clash that well, check out: "Rudie Can't Fail," "Hateful," "Lost in the Supermarket," "Clash City Rockers," and "SPANISH BOMBS." I love Spanish Bombs, when we were in middle school, Nina would always sing, haha. = )

I was gonna go to that show last night, but on Friday my Papa texted me telling me that it was 18+ and Keith told me. Haha, and then I complained to Justin about it. It was an interesting hour of conversations to say the least, but Justin and Jay cheered me up. = )

Anyway, on Saturday I hung with Lauren, who thought she was on her death bed due to her terrible sinus infection. We watched random ass shit on TV, and then some Flight of the Conchords (which is one of my favorite shows, but I can only watch it on youtube because I don't have HBO = (. Her parents made seafood and steak to celebrate her dad's promotion, which is really good for her family, and so it was a really good meal. Obviously, haha, we had a very romantic dinner. Zack took me out on thursday, and I think I'm going to bake him a cake as his present for V-day.

Then on Sunday I travelled into Brooklyn, and mass-transit was working fairly well, which made me happy. Santina was going to hang with us, but then couldn't because her mom wouldn't let her. Tanzen and I met up and she gave me a Valentine, it had this little card which said, "You know that I will love you no matter what you do. Just make your choices wisely and to yourself be true! I love you!" I just feel guilty for making her worry and shit. I don't know, I feel guilt for telling people shit, I know people care, even when I feel like a mediocre shit head, people give a fuck about me. Thats a good thing because I've realized that a lot of my issues are due to my fucked up relationship with my dad. I've realized that my distance from him in my childhood due to his work in China and in CA has made me hate him in some ways, because when he came back and wanted to be my dad it just didn't make any sense. I love him, I just wish he could be more like he was when I was a kid and not some crazed old man, who I hate.

It was just me, Tanzen, and her sis. No one else was around so we got a wee-bit drunk, and watched Empire Records and then we walked around their neighborhood in search of coffee. It was fun we played this card game called "haberdashy" (no not a men's hat shop). It's like gin-rummy without having to take turns, so its a lot faster and so much fun. We gave each other nicknames, I was "Rebel" because of my cliched can-throw onto a lawn we passed. Tanzen's sis said to me, "Oh, RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE." Haha, and so we all laughed about it, "I was like, oh yeah, that's how I role. Yeah, I'm not even gonna pick it up." We all joke about me and my "hardcoreness" because I prefer not to fight with my parents and I get good grades and shit like that. I mean, I'm a good kid, with a few flaws, haha, and people think its funny that I am a "punk." The next day we woke up and wanted to go to Voxpop, our favorite coffee shop. It's an awesome place! It's where I got my anarchist calendar there last year, haha (now think about THAT). But, its not serving food due to some trouble with the city of NYC, so we went to this other place. Not as good, but cheap, and we found a table to eat and play cards at.

Right now, my fellow GB Crew member and I, Hughie are discussing plans for the weekend, crew t-shirts, and his band. I'm thinking that his band might play my b-day show, because I'd love it, and it'd make me happy. They said that I could make their shirts for them, which is awesome to me. I made our crew's t-shirts, I drew the stencil, and we're all going to have one.

I know it's pretty sexy across my "lovely rack" with my classy flannel. At the moment I'm wearing that flannel with obnoxious new plaid pants.

At the moment I am also talking to my friend Nina (not the one pictured) about her ex who just called and said he has HPV, and that she gave it to him, or he gave it to her, or something. She apparently came back clean last time she was tested, but she'll probably get tested again, which is good. I worry about her, she's one of my dearest friends, and someone I've been good friends with since we were 11. Nina and I are fucked up in different ways, she was diagnosed with nymphomania after being raped at 15. She went to therapy and is now doing really well, and is basically cured, which is great! She's a lot happier now I think. She's dealing now, which kind of makes me sad, but its alright I guess. I tell people to buy from her and stuff, I don't know, I just try to be helpful. She almost had someone come to my street and buy from her tonight, and I told her absolutely not. I don't know, but that's invading my space, and its one thing to do it with my friends outside my house, if they were already here hanging, but some random girl who is only an acquaintance of mine is a definite NO. Lauren was trying to goad me into saying it was okay, but I stood my ground and Nina was cool with it. Her, Lauren, and Sam came over tonight and we played cards and watched clips of Maury on youtube. I have to post this one video it was AMAZING.

I'm wathing intervention and talking to people online. It's almost too entertaining for my drug addled brain. After this I'll probably read some blogs, do some sudoku, play some guitar, and then maybe around 3 or so I'll go to sleep. I like fighting sleep, haha, it makes me happy.

With my new darker hair, I wanna try new makeup, haha. I put on mixed lilac, teal, and dark blue eyeshadow together, which made my features darker. I kinda like it. I also brought some new red lipstick, because I'm so pale and now have dark hair, the combination with dark makeup kinda looks really good. Haha, I don't know, I love trying new makeup, it's entertaining.

= )

Well, guys, I love you all!

I hope you had a fabulous weekend!

Love, 

- Lucy

"Lucy B. is better than Robert Frost"

That was the title under one of the photos from the show Saturday night. It was one of the greatest show's I've ever been to. It's was in a small record shop, packed to the brim. I got there around 2:15 and talked to Matt (a friend of mine, and the lead guitarist of the headlining band). He requested that I play my hit single "Jacob's Dad." Figuring that I would be up for it, I agreed to it, especially because I knew that most people I knew really loved the song. Tanzen get's there and, as we are want to do, walked down the street to mix our two big bottle of cranberry-vodka. Well, needless to say, but 3:30 in the afternoon I was buzzed. At 4:30, after two bands and two poems, we had finished one and decided to go pick up some water and pretzels and to rest our stomach's for an hour. Why? I don't know. I knew that at the time if I continued to drink at that pace I would be a wreck by the end of the night. Anyway, the place gets more packed, more great bands play, and I'm greeting everyone I know, handing out chap books (I should have made way more) and drinking. Well, as it says on the back of my chap book: "If you see her, buy her a beer." Some woman did just that, and the other adults that knew me gave me parts of their beers, or gave me whole beers. I finished the next bottle of cranberry-vodka and took sips from other people's drinks, and passed on a medium beer (not a tall boy, and not a regular size... what's that called? Because I like those and I don't know the name for it) and a regular sized one to my friends (one was a nasty yellow canned one, and the other was, my personal fav, PBR = ). My friends were appreciative. Needless to say, when I went up to play my song, I was drunk and so were most of the audience. Although I messed it up a lot, everyone found it funny, and we had a good time with it! Haha, I'm so ridiculous. I basically spent 8 hours of saturday drunk. I talked to a few people who I find really cute who I've only oggled from afar (like... METAL CHRIS... oh, he's sooooo fine, and E-arly... two HOT guys) and I almost talked to Pat from Reagan Youth, but mostly just stood next to Papa Jay and listened to them talk (I really did feel like his kid at that moment). We then, Jay, Sarah (his GF), and I, went to a diner. The first one was closed, but the second one was open and during this time my parents were frantically calling my cell phone, which I was too drunk to realize was vibrating. After some damage control, and some sobering up, I was back on the train home to NJ. I did see my crew's arch-nemesis there. She was supposed to jump us or some shit, but she was very "buddy-buddy" to me. I figure it's like this: you don't jump someone who everyone in the room was just applauding and talking to. I'm kind of becoming the darling of the scene? Haha, at least, that's what I hope. = ) I love all the adults there, they're so cool and always telling me how great I am or giving me shirts or CDs (not that most bands don't do it) or beers. It's just too much fun!

I'm doing well in school. Making the grades and working hard. My lowest grade is in English, I have an 84 and I only got a 77 on the midterm... I was tied with someone else for lowest midterm grade in the class. 

Anyway, everything else is good. I'm going to upload some pics from the show to show you guys my classiness. = P

BTW, I figured I'd stick in a classy picture of me and the cranberry juice. The girl with the pigtails beside me is Tanzen... WE HOT. = P

So, yeah, now I'm off to orchestra pit practice. I hope y'all enjoy my stellar photos!

The show was amazing! Great bands! Great people! Just an all around blast! My b-day show is at the same place, sadly MDC is playing somewhere else that same day, so I'm hoping that people show up! = )

Check ya later!

- Lucy B.

So, is this sobriety, or SOBRIETY?

Okay, so no opiates for almost a month! "Scandal, Franco!" (if you can tell me what movie that quote is from, I'll be really impressed.) The 4th it will be a month since January 4th, well, lets see how I feel about this. I have no idea. I keep thinking man, this would be so great, if I was high. Fuck, just saying that makes it sound good. But, I can't. I gotta be good, mostly because, as much as I love taking some pills and letting my mind go, I know that I'm benefitting in less paranoia about drugs being found or being noticed missing (on those occasions when I filch them). I smoked weed yesterday, and it was actually the best experience with it I've had in a while. My friends went and smoked with me during lunch and then we went back to class, I got quite high (I didn't realize how I high I was until I started talking about guinea pigs for about 3 hours). Makes me nervous about getting drug-tested, but I can't sweat it. Zack was making fun of me today, "wow, so, that was short-lived." I was like, "hey, it's been two weeks..." Whatever, I enjoyed it, I was supposed to be playing music with my friends tonight, but I think I might go to bed early and read and watch TV with my mother, etc. I was invited to a party, and although I've never been to a house-party, I don't really want to go. The girl who is hosting it and I don't get along, and I'm planning on getting well, trashed tomorrow at the show, so I figure I better not come home wasted tonight. I guess my sobriety, is really only the absence of opiates... but thar works for me...

Tomorrow's show has some of my favorite bands. My Papa is going to take me, my fake sis Santina, her bf, and my bf, to dinner. I'm also going to get to read poetry at the show and hand out my chap books which I just made. Should be sweet. I can't wait for me and Zack to get to hang out in the city, we're leaving at 12:30 and probably won't be home until 11:30 or so. I can't wait, I love him. Still no fucking, but that's okay... I've realized that I'm kind of... umm.. afraid of dicks? Not that I'm a lesbian, because vajayjays are way nastier. There is nothing hot about vagina, I don't understand lesbians or straight guys... vages are nasty. Anyway, I'm psyched to have a moment with Zack's dick. = ) That will happen, and you guys will get to hear the full scoop... I'm sure I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow or Sunday.

Dude, I'm tired, I'm full, I feel sick... I'm going to go rest, without drugs, fridays are kind of taxing. Whatever, I'll get drunk tomorrow and that'll be funny as shit. = )

Love you guys,

Lucy!

Saturday Night

Tonight's my friend's 18th birthday party. I'm pretty psyched for that, gonna get all dolled up as follows: black-pinuppy dress (as shown), black fishnets, and either my doc martens or my yellow heels. I'm excited, and am demanding that Zack where a white button down shirt (hey, if I'm going to look nice, then he better too...). Zack thinks my fishnets are really hot. Who doesn't? Haha, okay, so if you can't tell I'm in a weird mood. I do have something interesting to say... but I wonder how much you really wanna hear about me being a dumb teenager... well, I guess that's why people read my posts... okay, so I will give you the details without being too tasteless....

THIS NEXT PART OF THE POST IS LACIVIOUS AND VERY TASTELESS. IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE YOUR MIND NOT VERY DISTURBED (BECAUSE I'M A TEENAGER) BUT STILL SOMEWHAT DISTURBED, THEN DO NOT GO FORWARD AND HIGH TAIL IT BACK TO SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOG.

Last night, Zack and I were hanging out, being dumb as always. Anyway, as teenagers are want to do, we are just kind of joking around, and poking each other and shit, kind of wrestling (these are not sexual innuendos, seriously, if we were fucking I would have said it). I turn on the computer, and put on some Iggy Pop ("I Wanna Be Your Dog" and "Death Trip" are playing, those are the songs to think about). Anyway, I decide to go on iChat and talk to one of my friends. It's actually my friend who is really overprotective of me (in the space of a year and a half she has had sex with 13 guys, so I am looked at as a little innocent pup). We're sitting there video chatting with her, and I start to just kind of... hmm... how do I put this tastefully? I don't think I can... umm... rub his "pant-leg"... So, you all know what I mean. But, at the same time I'm having a conversation with her. You may all think that I'm a bit of a weirdo, but honeslty, it was kind of hot because we were talking to her at the same time, and she could only see like our faces. Zack was so pissed at me too, because after she signed off, I left him hard and then started to go do other shit. I kind of sang along to Iggy Pop and walked around my room, and then drove him home. As much as he was all "you're a cock tease blah blah blah" he didn't seem to mind. Am I a terrible person? No. Did I prove to him that I was in control? Yes. I like being in control, haha. A lot. Anyway, as I was prancing around my room picking up shit and finding my clothes for the party, he was watching me and told me how he thought my fishnets were really hot (my friend who I was iChatting with told me this previously). And at the end of the night I felt like I was a stellar teenager and... okay, this is going to sound lame, but I feel like everyone should have one astoundingly teenage moment, and that was mine. I kind of liked it because I knew that I shouldn't be iChatting, rubbing my boyfriend's dick, and listening to Iggy Pop all at the same time. 

The way I just wrote this does not really do it justice, ya know? I was actually quite hot, if I do say so myself. I would like to say something else, which happens to be exceedlingly tasteless, do you guys wanna read it? Okay, if you don't then skip to the next paragraph, but here it is: Zack has a big dick.

So, I feel kind of unclean for writing this all on here... but, I mean, you guys will find it entertaining... or awkward. Whichever way you feel, I mean, come on, you were all teenagers at some point. It makes me feel like a cliche saying this, but, this is how I imagined teenage punk love to be. And yes, it's really too much fun. = P

Well, after that lovely lacivious post, I'm going to go read some more "Pride and Prejudice."

Love ya guys,

- Lucy = )

Strange

I had a drug dream that I have to share with everyone, because it was THAT cracked out. Okay, so I'll start from the beginning. My friend Nina and I are walking from our first block class on the third floor, down to our homeroom on the second floor like every day. However, we take a different stairwell, anyway, we stop on the landing in between the two floors and these three Hispanic kids I recognize are standing there. Anyway, they have like a bowl of what looks to be powdered sugar (I mean, I'm always getting high off of baking goods... anyway). So, the main guy asks if he we want some "name that made no sense when I heard it." It was my minds attempt at a nick-name for a drug gone wrong, to the point where it was legit just sounds. Nina's eyes are kind of bugged out and dilated and a bit crossed. She's very gungho about it. Instead of having viles or tinfoil or baggies... No, it's this thing that looks like a tiny-fish bowl (about the size of a marble) with an opening at the top. They are using spoons the size of like barbie spoons to put the powder in there. BTW, it's supposed to be speed (haha, my dreams... REALLY REALISTIC... not). Okay, so suddenly I wanna say he's given it to Nina, or maybe it's while he's filling the "vile" and he says, "do you want a taste?" Nina  says no, and I look at her and say, "Yes?" So, I snort a little (mind you, I'm standing in a fucking stairwell in my school, which is apparently empty because everyone else is in homeroom). At first, I'm like, wow, nothing. AND THEN IT HITS ME. Suddenly, I feel like I've been hit in the face by a fucking roller coaster and my mind is flying. Nina and I then walk downstairs (some how she is also high). Anyway, we walk down to our homeroom and try to turn off all of the lights in the classroom because it is bothering our eyes. There's this machine in the front with all of these keys and knobs and shit and lights, which I am just so unable to turn off it's not funny. Anyway, I keep trying, to no avail. Finally, I wake up. It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I've been asleep for an hour and I'm fucking sweating because of how high the heat is in my house and the fact that I'm under a blanket. I crawl out and feel so gross and go do homework.

This is how my beginning to going straight is. Great. Fucking, great. Obviously, that's just all I need. Anyway, I'm doing good. Besides when I was about ready to fucking just shove anything into my body to get high on wednesday, lots of shit went down and it was terrible, but I refrained. = ) I don't know, today my friend was being very triumphant when she said she hadn't smoked weed in 3 days? or maybe it was since Sunday? (Obviously, I was paying a lot of attention...) Anyway, I kind of felt bad after just brushing it off like it was nothing. I remember last year when I was so fucking proud to have made it like 2 and a half weeks, and I told my friends and they were just like, "whatever" and it kind of ruined it for me. I'm feeling good about it. I'll just drink because I don't have enough opportunities to drink. I do occasionally feel like I do drink just to get fucked up. Bad Lucy. Bad... I don't know, after Tanzen saying the greatest thing ever: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality." How could I stop drinking? Haha, that's just like the greatest phrase of someone whose had a bit much to drink.

Tomorrows plan: finish off the stoli (I will not poor out fucking as much cranberry juice as last time...) and then go to the show. Enjoy Reagan Youth, then go to Tanzen's. Cut my hair at some point, watch SNL, hopefully eat some Life cereal, play guitar, etc. It'll be great. = )

I FINISHED APPLYING FOR COLLEGE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! = ) Basically, the greatest fear of my life is off of my shoulders. Now it's just up to admissions people, and they can do what they want. Hopefully, I get into to like 8 out of 12 (I know, I applied to way too many schools). Anyway, around April I'll tell y'all the good news. = )

I don't know, I'm tired. 

But I have a question:

Okay, so, with certain guys, I would kiss them and I would literally get weak in the knees. That doesn't happen with Zack. There's no fire there (besides us being two teenagers who like each other). In some ways, I feel like he's just more of a safe choice, rather than like the perfect guy for me. I wish there were more sparks, but it's cool. He's the kind of guy who we're kind of like a great couple, and we'll just work it out. (We put down the deposits on our room after prom, we're sharing a suite with my two good friends and their dates. It's an open room though, with a pull out couch, so it's like two beds and a pull out couch... ugh. AWKWARD. haha).

Should I worry if there are no sparks? That's my question. = )

Well, I'm off to sleep. Good night guys, love you all.

= )

Lucy

The Biggest Lie

I don't have time to write a detailed blog, so here's a synopsis:

School's been crazy and I'm not getting enough sleep, feeling like shit, and just kind of am wondering if the ceiling is going to cave in on my head.

Got drunk with my friends on saturday and wandered around the city writing things like "Cock" "Ass" etc. on people's car windows in the snow. The next morning Tanzen and I smoked, but her dad was there which led to us almost getting caught twice. Tanzen said the funniest thing I have ever heard: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality" (she was drunk when she said that, haha). Jordan saw the girl we all hate at the show he went to, and he called and I got to talk to him and Papa Jay. I got into a horrible mood on the train, I started to cry and shit, I just felt hopeless. I seriously think it's the combination of sleep-deprivation, Sunday, and weed. I hate weed. It really just fucks with my head. 

One thing that we did talk about was how we know that we're going somewhere. I've always felt that there was something about me that meant I was going to do something. Anything. Not in a conceited way, it's just, you can't be born into this world with weird circumstances and lead a weird life and not do SOMETHING. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was going to be end up being a prophet. Not that I'm better than anyone, with each day I just realize how much more fucked up I am than most people I know, but its whatever. I'm going to make something of myself. Anything. Just something that makes me happy at the end of the day.

I'm also wondering if I go straight for the rest of the year and stop touching drugs. Period. What? Am I serious? I have no idea. We'll see how long it lasts. If I keep it going the one good thing will be the relief of not having to hide away shit. There are a few exceptions, but I doubt I'll get a hold of these exceptions... I'm waiting to worry about that shit at a later date.

Well, I'm going to see Reagan Youth on saturday, so I'll probably come back on after that. Everyone have a nice week! = )

NYE, the end of winter break, and the beginning of 2009.

NYE:

As the rest of my friend's partied and my mother got slousched, I sat with my 22-yr-old cousin and watching Discovery Health shows. Having popped the hydrocodone I found in their house, I was feeling alright. I had been popping them for the past few days, which meant that I was very much feeling quite sober. Anyway, it was kind of a bust. Jordan called me and we discussed this girl that we both hate. He hadn't realized how fucked up she was until that day. Yes, it was quite uneventful, but that's okay I guess.

End of winter break:

I want to cry. I don't want to go back to school. I hate school. Fuck school. Mostly I don't want to do homework. I haven't studied at all for my Latin test, and it's tomorrow. Fuck fuck fuck. I wish winter break lasted forever.

The beginning of 2009:

Well, I've spent 3 out of 4 days in 2009 on some kind of drug. I don't know what that will predict for the rest of my year. I smoked with Lauren last night, which was alright. I wish I had just stayed home kind of. Her sisters tarted to fight with Lauren and the rest of her family, she made Lauren cry, and her parents were ready to like beat her. She's such a bitch. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm home now. I was really happy to see my parents. Lauren's sister had percocet cause she had her wisdom teeth out. Sadly, when she left her parents gave her her pills to take with her. Darn. Well, whatever, it would have been great too because she's such a bitch.

An actual post:

I'm reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce for English class. It's a pretty good book. At first I was confused and put off by the style, it's very odd because it starts when he is a child and the style makes it very jumbled like a kid's brain. I'm also almost done with this book Narcisa by Jonathan Shaw. IT'S AMAZING. Honestly, if you enjoy any druggie books, then you will love it. Beyond that, which is the reason I picked it up, it's very odd and poetic (not oddly poetic, though that could apply as well). The main character/narrator is a biker living in Rio De Janeiro who is an ex-heroin addict from way back in the day. He falls in love with this beautiful young girl who becomes addicted to crack. Now the way I just wrote that sounds terrible right? Well, if you pick up the book you'll realize that, as bad as my description was, it was a great book. Also, it's got a lot of references to philosophy, which I dig and cool quotes. If you enjoyed Naked Lunch for those moments when the poetry of what he was saying came through, then you will enjoy Narcisa! = )

At the moment, I'm watching "Bad Girls," which is a show about an all women's prison in England. I first liked watching it because there were English accents involved (also because I found it last year after getting out of the hospital from the abscess and it was on during the day). Okay, I haven't watched in a while. There's this jail guard who is a "smack heid," so of course I'm rooting for him. I feel bad, but he's been able to avoid getting caught. Oh man, he's attractive.

Anthony was annoying me over break, and kept texting me for no reason that I could figure out. And then he was talking about hanging out and I said: Are you trying to get back together? And he said: Do you want to? Well, after me bascially running him around with random shit (due to the goading of my cousins' friend, who I've had a crush on since I was like 12, he's now 34... hey, a girl can dream = ) I told him: no. I told Zack because I felt like he should know. One thing that I was worried about was that Zack would get territorial. I kind of like that in a guy, but I think he would have had to have been having a bad day for him, when him being bipolar really shows (I have those days too, so it's okay). I don't think Zack thinks of Anthony as a real threat. The only thing that I worry about is that, me, without thinking, will end up doing something stupid with a cute punk boy. I have never cheated on anyone before, so it's not like something that's a pattern. I don't know, I say I love Zack, and I really think that I do. Then again, I love all of my friends, so, how could I not love him? I don't know, I'm 17, so it's whatever. Who can say that teenage love is a wholly bad thing?

I would love something to eat right now... Some warm soup and crackers, or reheated Chinese/Japanese food... or a nap. Yeah, a nap sounds lovely. I'm cold and ready to nod out... 

Well, guys, I would much rather read about your New Year's.

Love and luck in the 2009th year of our Lord (more like their Lord, but whatever, I like how it sounds),

Lucy

P.S. I will have a much more exciting post once I see Zack and go into the city on saturday. We're having a dinner at this diner I like with a lot of my friends, going to eat, then drink, and then run amok. = )

Dum Dum Boys

What I've realized is that I want to talk about something. That is my friends.

I've realized as I've watched other teenagers either slip into addiction or down the path to addiction that it is much easier to become addicted than to watch someone become addicted. Seeing my friends and hearing them talk I know what is occurring. Lauren is slowly becoming a stoner who cannot get a G to last her a week, if she has a 1.5 Gs she gets nervous. I sit here, the kid who would much rather you giver her a new needle than a new pair of shoes (though I really like the shoes my mom gave me, not gonna lie, they're fresh and they make her happy). Maya and her friends, including Laura, are/were running down the path towards serious addiction. The kind that can, and has, killed stronger people. I watch this and it sickens me. I do shit and I keep it hidden. It's my little secret that I reveal to the few who can keep it, who see me as a teenager with a problem, rather than a someone with a problem that is a teenager. My secrecy means that people don't worry about me, besides the ones who know, and that makes me feel better about it in some ways. I don't want to worry my friends.

I remember last year seeing Maya in the atrium. Me, with my track marks hidden under long sleeves, and her with her greasey head. I was walking in one direction and her the other. I saw her unkempt appearance as an outward sign of her inner demons. Popping tylenol 3s, (they call them "tripCs," even the slang makes me laugh), which I am pretty sure will only escalate. What makes me laugh the most was how she bragged about it. I was at this New Years party last year, lying on the floor, eyes closed, trying to make sure I did not nod out on their floor. She's trying to boast about her drugs, and I begin to laugh. I'm attempting to contain my giggling, because everyone is going to be like, "why the fuck is Lucy laughing at Maya and her drugs? they're so hardcore..." She was saying something about how she didn't eat because they suppressed her appetite. My only thought was, "No... just shut up. You sound like an idiot. Are you trying to make yourself sound like an addict? I'm pretty sure I can win that competition..."

Even if my feelings towards Maya are kind of, well, hostile, I still felt bad. I've known Maya since we were in 6th grade together. Here she is now, a fucking 12th grader, and we're discussing if she's still in rehab. (No one knew if she was still in it, we were discussing if she was getting help and shit... just the average lunchtime conversation, right?)

I don't like watching my friends in pain. I wish I could heal it. I wish I could make them see themselves like I see them, as strong young women, who have really grown up. We all have, and it's weird to see it now how different we all are. I can be an addict, I can think it in my head, I have trouble verbalizing it, but I can say it if I have to -- it doesn't bother me as much as seeing my friends really fucked up. Them looking really wasted can kill my buzz because then I just feel bad. I feel guilty, like I'm a part of their decline. I don't want to be that.

I am protective of my friends because they are my family. I would do anything for most of them. I would beat the shit out of anyone who fucked with them, I would back them up if a teacher hassled them, I would do whatever it takes -- my friends are my life. I don't want them to be in pain.

My head feels heavy and pressurized, I need to lay down because I have a bad headache. I guess it's from getting high, I used to get bad headaches a lot. I would use for a week daily and then stop on the weekends and I would get terrible headaches. Then sometimes they would occur while I was getting high.

I don't know, I need to lay down and let my head rest.