Rudie Can't Fail

I've been listening to the Clash all day. If you wanna know a few songs I really like, if you don't know the Clash that well, check out: "Rudie Can't Fail," "Hateful," "Lost in the Supermarket," "Clash City Rockers," and "SPANISH BOMBS." I love Spanish Bombs, when we were in middle school, Nina would always sing, haha. = )

I was gonna go to that show last night, but on Friday my Papa texted me telling me that it was 18+ and Keith told me. Haha, and then I complained to Justin about it. It was an interesting hour of conversations to say the least, but Justin and Jay cheered me up. = )

Anyway, on Saturday I hung with Lauren, who thought she was on her death bed due to her terrible sinus infection. We watched random ass shit on TV, and then some Flight of the Conchords (which is one of my favorite shows, but I can only watch it on youtube because I don't have HBO = (. Her parents made seafood and steak to celebrate her dad's promotion, which is really good for her family, and so it was a really good meal. Obviously, haha, we had a very romantic dinner. Zack took me out on thursday, and I think I'm going to bake him a cake as his present for V-day.

Then on Sunday I travelled into Brooklyn, and mass-transit was working fairly well, which made me happy. Santina was going to hang with us, but then couldn't because her mom wouldn't let her. Tanzen and I met up and she gave me a Valentine, it had this little card which said, "You know that I will love you no matter what you do. Just make your choices wisely and to yourself be true! I love you!" I just feel guilty for making her worry and shit. I don't know, I feel guilt for telling people shit, I know people care, even when I feel like a mediocre shit head, people give a fuck about me. Thats a good thing because I've realized that a lot of my issues are due to my fucked up relationship with my dad. I've realized that my distance from him in my childhood due to his work in China and in CA has made me hate him in some ways, because when he came back and wanted to be my dad it just didn't make any sense. I love him, I just wish he could be more like he was when I was a kid and not some crazed old man, who I hate.

It was just me, Tanzen, and her sis. No one else was around so we got a wee-bit drunk, and watched Empire Records and then we walked around their neighborhood in search of coffee. It was fun we played this card game called "haberdashy" (no not a men's hat shop). It's like gin-rummy without having to take turns, so its a lot faster and so much fun. We gave each other nicknames, I was "Rebel" because of my cliched can-throw onto a lawn we passed. Tanzen's sis said to me, "Oh, RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE." Haha, and so we all laughed about it, "I was like, oh yeah, that's how I role. Yeah, I'm not even gonna pick it up." We all joke about me and my "hardcoreness" because I prefer not to fight with my parents and I get good grades and shit like that. I mean, I'm a good kid, with a few flaws, haha, and people think its funny that I am a "punk." The next day we woke up and wanted to go to Voxpop, our favorite coffee shop. It's an awesome place! It's where I got my anarchist calendar there last year, haha (now think about THAT). But, its not serving food due to some trouble with the city of NYC, so we went to this other place. Not as good, but cheap, and we found a table to eat and play cards at.

Right now, my fellow GB Crew member and I, Hughie are discussing plans for the weekend, crew t-shirts, and his band. I'm thinking that his band might play my b-day show, because I'd love it, and it'd make me happy. They said that I could make their shirts for them, which is awesome to me. I made our crew's t-shirts, I drew the stencil, and we're all going to have one.

I know it's pretty sexy across my "lovely rack" with my classy flannel. At the moment I'm wearing that flannel with obnoxious new plaid pants.

At the moment I am also talking to my friend Nina (not the one pictured) about her ex who just called and said he has HPV, and that she gave it to him, or he gave it to her, or something. She apparently came back clean last time she was tested, but she'll probably get tested again, which is good. I worry about her, she's one of my dearest friends, and someone I've been good friends with since we were 11. Nina and I are fucked up in different ways, she was diagnosed with nymphomania after being raped at 15. She went to therapy and is now doing really well, and is basically cured, which is great! She's a lot happier now I think. She's dealing now, which kind of makes me sad, but its alright I guess. I tell people to buy from her and stuff, I don't know, I just try to be helpful. She almost had someone come to my street and buy from her tonight, and I told her absolutely not. I don't know, but that's invading my space, and its one thing to do it with my friends outside my house, if they were already here hanging, but some random girl who is only an acquaintance of mine is a definite NO. Lauren was trying to goad me into saying it was okay, but I stood my ground and Nina was cool with it. Her, Lauren, and Sam came over tonight and we played cards and watched clips of Maury on youtube. I have to post this one video it was AMAZING.

I'm wathing intervention and talking to people online. It's almost too entertaining for my drug addled brain. After this I'll probably read some blogs, do some sudoku, play some guitar, and then maybe around 3 or so I'll go to sleep. I like fighting sleep, haha, it makes me happy.

With my new darker hair, I wanna try new makeup, haha. I put on mixed lilac, teal, and dark blue eyeshadow together, which made my features darker. I kinda like it. I also brought some new red lipstick, because I'm so pale and now have dark hair, the combination with dark makeup kinda looks really good. Haha, I don't know, I love trying new makeup, it's entertaining.

= )

Well, guys, I love you all!

I hope you had a fabulous weekend!

Love, 

- Lucy

NYE, the end of winter break, and the beginning of 2009.

NYE:

As the rest of my friend's partied and my mother got slousched, I sat with my 22-yr-old cousin and watching Discovery Health shows. Having popped the hydrocodone I found in their house, I was feeling alright. I had been popping them for the past few days, which meant that I was very much feeling quite sober. Anyway, it was kind of a bust. Jordan called me and we discussed this girl that we both hate. He hadn't realized how fucked up she was until that day. Yes, it was quite uneventful, but that's okay I guess.

End of winter break:

I want to cry. I don't want to go back to school. I hate school. Fuck school. Mostly I don't want to do homework. I haven't studied at all for my Latin test, and it's tomorrow. Fuck fuck fuck. I wish winter break lasted forever.

The beginning of 2009:

Well, I've spent 3 out of 4 days in 2009 on some kind of drug. I don't know what that will predict for the rest of my year. I smoked with Lauren last night, which was alright. I wish I had just stayed home kind of. Her sisters tarted to fight with Lauren and the rest of her family, she made Lauren cry, and her parents were ready to like beat her. She's such a bitch. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm home now. I was really happy to see my parents. Lauren's sister had percocet cause she had her wisdom teeth out. Sadly, when she left her parents gave her her pills to take with her. Darn. Well, whatever, it would have been great too because she's such a bitch.

An actual post:

I'm reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce for English class. It's a pretty good book. At first I was confused and put off by the style, it's very odd because it starts when he is a child and the style makes it very jumbled like a kid's brain. I'm also almost done with this book Narcisa by Jonathan Shaw. IT'S AMAZING. Honestly, if you enjoy any druggie books, then you will love it. Beyond that, which is the reason I picked it up, it's very odd and poetic (not oddly poetic, though that could apply as well). The main character/narrator is a biker living in Rio De Janeiro who is an ex-heroin addict from way back in the day. He falls in love with this beautiful young girl who becomes addicted to crack. Now the way I just wrote that sounds terrible right? Well, if you pick up the book you'll realize that, as bad as my description was, it was a great book. Also, it's got a lot of references to philosophy, which I dig and cool quotes. If you enjoyed Naked Lunch for those moments when the poetry of what he was saying came through, then you will enjoy Narcisa! = )

At the moment, I'm watching "Bad Girls," which is a show about an all women's prison in England. I first liked watching it because there were English accents involved (also because I found it last year after getting out of the hospital from the abscess and it was on during the day). Okay, I haven't watched in a while. There's this jail guard who is a "smack heid," so of course I'm rooting for him. I feel bad, but he's been able to avoid getting caught. Oh man, he's attractive.

Anthony was annoying me over break, and kept texting me for no reason that I could figure out. And then he was talking about hanging out and I said: Are you trying to get back together? And he said: Do you want to? Well, after me bascially running him around with random shit (due to the goading of my cousins' friend, who I've had a crush on since I was like 12, he's now 34... hey, a girl can dream = ) I told him: no. I told Zack because I felt like he should know. One thing that I was worried about was that Zack would get territorial. I kind of like that in a guy, but I think he would have had to have been having a bad day for him, when him being bipolar really shows (I have those days too, so it's okay). I don't think Zack thinks of Anthony as a real threat. The only thing that I worry about is that, me, without thinking, will end up doing something stupid with a cute punk boy. I have never cheated on anyone before, so it's not like something that's a pattern. I don't know, I say I love Zack, and I really think that I do. Then again, I love all of my friends, so, how could I not love him? I don't know, I'm 17, so it's whatever. Who can say that teenage love is a wholly bad thing?

I would love something to eat right now... Some warm soup and crackers, or reheated Chinese/Japanese food... or a nap. Yeah, a nap sounds lovely. I'm cold and ready to nod out... 

Well, guys, I would much rather read about your New Year's.

Love and luck in the 2009th year of our Lord (more like their Lord, but whatever, I like how it sounds),

Lucy

P.S. I will have a much more exciting post once I see Zack and go into the city on saturday. We're having a dinner at this diner I like with a lot of my friends, going to eat, then drink, and then run amok. = )

Take Back This City

I'll make this fast because I have to keep this on the DL and I'm sitting in my Aunt's living room.

Plans for New Year's:

- Party with my cousin Chesna and her friends, which will mean I get some booze

- Chilling with my cousin at her place, which means I will get high with some leftover pills I found

- Chilling with everyone at my aunt and uncle's place, "

I wish I was home to go chill with all of my friends, they all get to go off and party, while I'm stuck with my family. But, no matter, I'll do what I do.

I miss the city. People keep asking me when I'm going to be there next. I really don't know, the only definite is on January 17th for a show, and then on January 31 for another show. I'm thinking about getting together with people sooner, maybe like the 10th or the 24th, one or the other.

I don't know, I'm in the mood to get high and ride the train into the city. Listening to X-Ray Spex and ready to wander the East Village. Man, I'm ready to get back. It's been too long. I need that. I need to crash on someone's couch and wake up to a cup of coffee with half a bowl of sugar in it and some really salty eggs and toast. Playing sudoku and guitar and rambling about boring shit. Making promises that were never serious, even before I said them. Haha, it's the kind of weekends I love.

Well, I'm going to try and come up with some New Year's resolutions. = )

Have a splendid New Year's Eve guys!

Let's hope that 2009 is better than 2008! = )

Love,

Lucy

Victory

From the mind of your favorite 17 year old who has a taste for the opiates and punk... who else would it be? ; )

So, yesterday was my Lauren's 18th birthday and we were all hanging out. Well, I'll start from the beginning. I got over there around 1 p.m. and we went out to get stoned and go sledding. We smoked in the woods as we walked over to this giant hill... It was the longest walk of my life. Seriously, it was crazy. And me being only the occasional weed smoker, and it being shitty New York Diesel crap, I was barely high unless I really relaxed my mind. Well, we sledded a few times, I had to watch Lauren and make sure she didn't die, her and her stoner self were out in la la land. The funny thing I can remember is we're walking down the path in the woods back to her house and I am talking and in my head I sound exactly like this drummer I know John, and my mannerism's are like his... so bizzarre. I was him for a good like what felt like an hour, so probably 5 minutes, haha.

So, finally, we get back and I'm in an okay state of affairs. Glad that I didn't pop any hydros before I came because I would have been far more inclined to lay around and just talk then fucking walking for hours. Helen shows up, she's always really entertaining, so I was glad when she came. We watched Happy Gilmore but the weed sent me to sleep, so I barely remember any part of that time. I really just slept. Nina got there and then we went outside and her and Lauren smoked while Helen and I hung out in front (I figured I was fine, and not in the mood to smoke with the stoners). I kinda yelled at Nina for being an asshole to me, she got all offended and shit. Anyway, they were sledding, and I was supervising, making sure the stoners didn't hit the house... I'm just so mature and responsible (compared to them at least).

Other Nina showed up, and we had to push her car to get it into a parking space because of all of the snow. Well, Nina wanted to smoke. So, Helen left, and then the rest of us all went to smoke. Suddenly I was VERY high. We smoked later and I was VERY VERY VERY high. Then we started to be fed beer by Lauren's older sister. Suddenly I'm tipsy and VERY VERY VERY high (on weed, which is weird for me, usually I'm just like high, or a bit high, but not like incapable of doing shit). I'm so high that when I close my eyes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and spinning and shit, yeah... seirously. Anyway, we go to bed, after many hours of retarded brain frying.

I wake up with the sun shining in on my face and I'm happy. I think Lauren woke up with a hangover, haha, she would be that much of a light weight. I felt so calm and happy to be alive. I was still feeling a tad bit of a residual high from all of the weed that had been pumped into my body. 

It's funny but I am really more of a "hard body" than most of my friends when it comes to shit. They used to joke about it a lot, it took me literally 4 months of smoking weed before I got REALLY high. I can drink more alcohol than my friends, which makes me a little happy... haha, it's the punk in me I swear. The reason that I've had drinks usually was because I was at shows, and all of the grey hairs I know drink SOOOOOOOOO much. It's ridiculous, and being their little teenage adopted child, I either get alcohol from them or watch them drink it. Either way, it really does play with my thought process. I find alcohol more appealing because of watching them, I really do want to be like them and I don't know why. Maybe because they're so cool, they know everyone and they just seem like the most awesome people ever. Is that dumb? I don't know, I don't know if it makes me lame or whatever. I do have to say one thing: it's nice to have people to look up to, to have heroes that you know, I'd never had that until I became part of the NYC Punk scene. I'm so proud too, NYHC! It's my family.

Well, I think I might be like kind of married to Zack, you should see us we're ridiculous. We're such old people. We like decorated the tree today at my house and then we went shopping for presents and wrapped them. Then we like set the table and helped prepare the dinner. We watched Trainspotting tonight and Flight of the Conchords. Oh man, watching them take shots and I just kept flashing back... ugh, I fucking hate having shit I can't IV. Seriously, I love just sticking a needle in my arm... oh man, I am getting excited thinking about it.

Hmmm... well, I'm tired and ready for bed, I'm going to list out what I got for early Xmas here:

- Flaming Lips CD - Zack

- 100 bucks - Grandma = )

- peacoat/jacket thingy - Mom

- dress - Mom

- sweatshirt - Mom

- shirt - Mom

- new pair of Vans - Mom

- Loafass CD - Mom

- Germs "(MIA)" - Mom (I had some of the songs, but not all of them... it makes me soooooo happy)

- belt - Mom

- The Who poster - Mom

It was so much fun, and I really had a great time with my fam and especially Zack. We're so ridiculous together. One annoying thing: he came, ate my food, got to see me model my clothes, and watch trainspotting, and I got no kiss... What the fuck? I'm going to have to smack the boy.

; )

Well, guys, I'll catch ya'll on the flipside!

- Lucy

Why Can't I Touch It?

Ugh, I don't even want to go into everything that's going on right now.

1.) boy problems - Jordan is too old for me, but we're good friends. Zack is still just my bff, and that's how I want it. Anthony is still himself, which means I still like him a lot and he still sucks.

2.) applying to college - I just want to finish it. It's stressing me out and making me a bitch.

3.) my father - he's always fucked up. And then he acts like a dumbass and I don't want to hear it. Even my mother is tired of it. He's a freeloader, he's a fucker, and I hate him. I love him, but I want to be nothing like him.

I'll leave it at that. I just don't feel like thinking about it.

I hope Mel is okay. She's just amazing. Haha, the coolest girl on here by far. = )

Well, I'm going to go!

- Lucy

P.S. This is one of my favorite songs. 

"Why Can't I Touch It?" by the Buzzcocks

BTW, my friend told me that: "you cant touch it because u are awkward!!!"

Haha, it's probably true. = )

With a Little Help from My Friends

It's freezing... Why is it always freezing? It got warmer here, so my rents decided that heat was unnecessary... maybe for them! But, I'm always cold so now I just feel as if I keep getting shoved into an ice bath. I woke up this morning and light was shinning in from the window at the foot of my bed. It's so pretty, that's why I had asked for this room when I turned 12 (or 13? Must have been before that... maybe 11?). My nose is still sore from having that cold. I need to take a shower to wash all of the cut hair off of me, which should help my nose.

I really hope that Santina can still go, I would hate to sit here all day doing homework (which I don't have enough of to fill up an entire day with). I hope I get to see Justin or Mike there... AHH! I would have like a heart attack, I love them so much, and they're so cool to me. 

Haha, I've always been one of those kids who had adults (who weren't my rents) who gave a shit about me and treated me like I was really cool. This is the super condensced list: Chris my cuz, Stephen my cuz, Salil (they're friend), Scott (they're friend, I call him my "Dad"), Matt (I love Matt, he's so sweet, I wish he hadn't moved back to TX, he's my cuzs friend), Adam (I've known Adam since I was about 12), Steven W, Justin, Mike, Darryl, and anyone on here who wants to mentor me (come on, I know you guys are all just dying to be on the list!). I would say that the youngest person on here is Stephen my cus who is 27, but everyone else is over 30. No, it's not creepy, that's what you all want to tell me. But it's not. Salil always says that everyone besides him and my cuzs and their friends are creepers. I know that nothing I say is going to change your opinion one way or the other, but I probably would be a lot worse off I didn't have them their for me to talk to and sound dumb to. The thing that always strikes me with my cuzs and their friends is that they are always calling me "one of us," they're all geniuses which makes me feel like "oh, I'm not as dumb as I seem." Or they're saying, "yeah, Lucy, but you're not average" whenever I'm down on myself. Fuck, I love them all, they're some of my favorite people on this planet and I'm lucky that I know them. = )

Ugh, I have to go read "Crime and Punishment," which will be a party, right? And I have to shower so I'll come back and tell you about the show (crossing my fingers).

Have a splendid sunday everyone! = )

P.S.!!! I remembered what I was going to say, it's dumb, but whatever. Okay, so I was sitting next to James in Stat class and we were just being bored and talking. Somehow we got on to the topic of his arms (he likes showing off his "guns"). Now, we have joked about his arms since we were 14 as being "junky material" (kind of ironic, haha). His veins just pop out of his skin everywhere (mostly because the boy has no fat, he's all muscle and bone). And somehow we get on to the topic of his veins, or should I say he, because he's talking about it and I'm beginning to feel nauseous just looking at them. Suddenly, I blurt out, "CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR VEINS, NOW?" It wasn't that loud, and I don't think he wondered why, but I just had a bit of a moment... haha, yeah, I just felt like I was going to pounce on his arm or something if he didn't shut up... Told you it was dumb! = P

It's A Beautiful Day

My nose is running a marathon. It's horrible, I feel like shit and when I feel like shit I don't feel like doing anything. I basically curled up on my bed from 4 to 7, at which point I finally got up and made myself some soup. It's that new Campbell's, and it sucks compared to the old stuff. Being the kid of two working parents, I learned how to make my own dinner: soup. I'm a connoisseur of fine Campbell's condensed and noncondensed soups. Basically, I know it, I love it, and I eat it almost daily. This new soup tastes tamatoey, which completely ruins it.

My nose hurts so bad, I've been sticking Kleenex in it all day. It's raw and horrible and I feel like shit. I got home and I thought my dad was leaving when I pulled up (I did a little cheer in my mind). But, sadly he was just hobbling to get the mail. Last night he got a bit drunk and a bit obnoxious, he did the whole, "You'll be sorry when I'm gone routine." I was having none of it, so I just didn't respond. My mom said yes, I kinda wanted to shake her and ask her why she's still with him. He's a useless asshole and I hate him. He wasn't so bad when I was young, but he left when I was about 5 for 3 years in China. So basically, I didn't develop a really big attachment to him. When he came back he just assumed that he was my dad, which he wasn't. He has never been my dad. Then about 2 years later he started going out a lot again for work, so life went back to usual. And then suddenly he was home constantly. His partner robbed us out of lots and lots of money, and all this financial shit went down. So my mom, my mother who does everything for both us, had to use her hard earned money to pay for my dad. And then he hurt himself when he was working at Home Depot, and he fucked up his back. So now he's here all the time. It drives me nuts. I went from a kid who could count on being left alone (which I liked), to someone who now can't get a minute to herself. Sometimes he says things and does things that make me so angry, that I wish he could just hit me so I could kick the crap out of him. A week ago he threatened to hit me with wooden tray in his hands, and I told him to go ahead. My mom was standing there trying to talk him down. And I was dying for him to actually do it. Because at least if he hits me I can have a physical reason to show why he disgusts me. He disgusts me constantly. He doesn't give a fuck about me besides what people might think of him once they meet me. Sorry, for the rant, I'll shut up now. I've just been mulling it over and mulling over and it's driving me crazy. If I say any of this shit to people I know I just get given that whole, "Well, my parents blah blah blah." And so then I feel like I'm being a dumbass for hating him. Anyway, that's my story. I just wanted to say it once and for all. I hate to see that man in my mother's house on my mother's couch and eating my mother's food. He doesn't have that right.

Now, I'd like to sing you a song, "It's a beautiful, what a beautiful, it's a beautiful, beautiful day."

Clash City Rockers

We walked through the village, it looked somewhat like the park on East 15th St and 3rd Ave. My parents and I... going to cop dope? In front of a building there was the smell of lighter fluid and metal burning, so we walked in to this apartment. I only had enough money for one bag, but my parents bought 3 (why they were there I don't really know). The room was dark and caste in a green light, small, dark, and green. I didn't have any works, so the girl who was there took this needle she had and gave it to me. It was filled with what looked like fat I've seen on plastic surgery shows, after they've sucked it out of some rich person's stomach. I got into the bathroom - it was fluorescent lit like at McDonald's - and flushed the think pink-white paste out of the needle. I looked down at my left arm - it had not scar in my dream - and it was so milky white. I did what I used to always do - I checked to make sure I could hit a vein before cooking up. (My veins are either A) tiny, B) hidden, C) covered in scar tissue from surgery, or D) rolling - my veins suck so much) I hit it right on the first try, without even pulling back I saw blood flow into the tip and fill it dark red. (I used to try and hit it first so that I wouldn't have cooked up and be unable to use the solution, which had on more than one occasion made me cry - fuck, haha, ridiculous but true)

Then I woke up.

I hate dreams like that, so real that you can taste the food and feel the drugs. That happiness you feel as you receive the drugs, a pleasure that you wake wanting more of. Most of my drug dreams revolve around me receiving drugs from other people - some of the time as gifts, once they were falling from the sky (I kid you not). Today during lunch Nina took me out to her car, she was giving me the weed. She didn't have a bag for me, so she rolled up the nugget in a piece of paper, which I then shoved into this plastic shopping bag in my car. The entire bag smelled of weed when I got back to my car 3 hours later. The stuff is so good, it's kind of ridiculous. It looked kind of small, she told me that it looked small but that it was just packed tightly. I don't think Nina would rip me off, though, I trust my friend's loyalty in matters like this just as much as my own... which is occasionally not very much. But, that whole thing has little do with friendship and more to do with drugs and economics. If your friend rips you off you can't take it so personally, I mean, it's fucked up, but not surprising. Your friend and your drug dealer are two different people, so you can't expect the business woman and the friend to act the same way. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Today was okay, I took a quiz in English that I didn't even know we had, I think I at least got a B. I'm more worried about my stat test, though I'm sure that I at least got a B. Nothing much happened today. I talked to Ashley, she says that I can't come over until her mother approves the list. That will be interesting, I really am interested in seeing this group home - I can't help being curious. I had a guitar lesson, which was okay, not amazing, but not horrible. I have dinner tonight for Rosh Hashanah with my parents and my grandmother (happy new year, everyone!) That will be good - well at least good food.

I got out of the car from guitar and I vomitied in my mouth, it was weird because I so wasn't expecting it and my next thought was, "just don't completely vomit." I wonder what it's all about, but I'm sure it's nothing serious.

Anyway, I'm going to lie down. Happy New Year! = )

Acid Rain

It's a torrential downpour outside, I can hear it from my bed. I'm being very lazy this morning, I've been up for about 2 hours and done nothing but eaten a little and sat up in bed and read. My life is just so exciting obviously. I don't know if I'm going to go the festival today, I may just lay around all day, work on the essay due for tomorrow, read, do some more homework, and maybe play cards with some of my neighbors. Doesn't that sound kinda lovely? Well, to me it does. I have tuesday off, which is another lovely fact. Tomorrow night I have to go to my grandmother's house for Rosh Hashanah, that's always fun, if there isn't any fighting. There has always been fighting at family dinners like that, I remember one year my grandfather told my father that he was not a good father. My dad got so angry that we all had to leave. I don't know why my grandfather thought that, though I probably agree with him. Not that my grandfather was really good, but that's a long story.

I just had to run to the bathroom, my stomach is... cleansing itself. I have been "stopped up" for a few days and I took a laxative. Which is a fucking horrible idea, but at least my stomach doesn't hurt too bad... The thing is that laxatives never work properly on me, it will take way longer than it's supposed to take effect and when it does I can be sick up for close to 3 days. I don't know why I decided that it was brilliant, but I did take one last night. Holy fuck, that was a bad idea, haha. Well, whatever, I'll just deal with it, it was dumb, but once it's over I'll probably feel better.

I'm thinking about buying some weed from Nina, I'm thinking like $10 or $20. I should text her about that, see if she has enough. I have a feeling it will be fine, but I have to talk to her about it today, otherwise I won't get it until Wednesday, and I definitely want it for Tuesday. Without any school I need something for my brain to do. She should have the same stuff as Lauren, so it'll be a good deal.

Yesterday was so nice, though I felt a little out of it until I went to sleep. Usually I feel like it wears off after a while and then I go back to normal, but yesterday it just kept hitting me in waves. I tried to sleep on the sofa but I kept getting ousted by people, which was annoying. I kept having to remind myself that I was doing shit, and opening my eyes. It's that point in time when my eyelids feel as if someone has put glue on the bottom of them, and every time they close I have to struggle to open them again. I'm trying to untangle the events of yesterday, but I really can't, my mind feels so confused. My parents were gone, I was in the sofa and I was watching TV, I kept nodding out and then realizing what I was doing and opening my eyes. They came home and I sat with them for a while, and then Sam came over. Sam and I just shot the shit for a while, discussed Lauren (fuck, that's all that we seem to talk about, all of us), discussed college, watched dumb youtube videos, and baked cookies. I know all of that happened, but the stuff earlier in the day is just like snapshots of time, not really true stuff. Oh yeah, I took a shower in there somewhere, too, totally forgot until a few seconds ago. My rents also brought me home food from a diner, haha, I do remember more now.

"7 Tattoos" is so good, I've devoured it, I've got about 70 pages left. So good, but it has made me wonder something: Did everyone in NYC during the 70s become speed freaks? Every book I read where someone is doing drugs in the city and is alive in the 70s ends up becoming a speed freak. I guess, he was actually a dopefiend during the 70s, and was actually a speed freak in the late 60s. It's weird though, it just seems like everyone was doing speed. Maybe it's just cause the books I'm reading are about drug addicts... couldn't be... = P

Well, I'm off, this was a boring  post.. Nina still hasn't texted me back. Butt slut. Haha, I'll catch you on the flip side. = )

It's not a microphone, it's a bong

Justin turned 39 yesterday, that number makes me feel so young. I reminded him that he was 22 when I was born, how creepy. Justin is so old, but I have the biggest crush on him, I can't help it, I get all puppyish around him. Everything he says is like amazing, his band is my favorite, and he's so cute, especially when he's drunk. I don't think about him like that that much... but I mean, he is hot and awesome, haha. Every 39 year old should have some 17 year old lusting after them, if there isn't one then that means you're old. = P

Guess what?!?!? I got my first A in Latin in the past year!!! A 97!!! Only one point off the entire quiz, holy fuck I feel brilliant. = D To celebrate this I got supremely blazed right after school. I went to Lauren's house right after school, whatever she had after the first bowl, I was kinda high. Then we smoked another and I was fucked. She walking into the house and I was looking at her foot, and I swore I saw like yellow liquid come out of her foot and become a droplet on the floor. Her house was also filled with food, we had not idea why, it was so weird (her house never has anything). We took all of these cracked out pictures with the food on her kitchen table. She even let me eat two Cosmic Brownies (my personal favorite, if you know the brand then you understand, I think they are really only stoner food though). I can still fucking feel the shit, I've been feeling very very high all night. It's lessened to the point where I just feel a bit funny now, but I mean, what kinda weed lasts for 8 hours? One thing I have noticed on my exploits to Brooklyn, is that all of the kids there are really lame at smoking. I was taught that you better suck on that pipe until you feel like you're going to explode, and I always hold until at least the person after me is done. Those kid would like inhale for a second and then immediately let it out, I said to Tanzen, "You smoke so daintily." Then again, my first real high moment was at the hands of Nina and Lauren, who stuck me in Nina's shed until we'd smoked probably 6 bowls and her hat was changing colors. That was the most amazing thing, her hat was fucking incredible. We then rolled in the grass and I felt like the sky was really close to me, like I was in a fish-eye camera lens. Haha, that was my first experience being stoned out of my head on weed, my friends like to call me "hard-body" because I smoked as much as they did but I was never as high. That's why I was forced into the shed, and forced to smoke. I think like the last two bowls was me smoking and them standing over me, going "keep going, Lucy, keep going. Come on, you can do it!" Haha, it was like some weird coaching moment, I'm sitting on the floor of her shed trying to get high as fast as I can. I have to say, some of my best memories of my friends have been moments like that, ridiculous times and situations, but we were all so close. We were all really good friends. I really do think there is something fucked up with my tolerance for everything, I've always had a higher tolerance for things than the people around me, it's annoying as fuck. Anytime I've had to dose for the first time it's always iffy, because I never know if it's really going to hit me or if it won't even affect me. It sucks, then again I think it just runs in my family. My cousins have always said, "Your dad can drink Guinness like it's water." Haha, it always made me kinda proud in a weird way, like proud that I have those same genes, and when it comes to that kind of stuff I should be proud. My dad is a genius and good at everything he's ever tried: lettered in 8 sports in high school, straight A student, scored a 1540 on his SATs, amazing jewelry maker and artist, was always able to get women; my dad is just a beast at life. That's I guess what I don't like about his current state, how awesome he once was is now gone, now he sucks at everything. I feel bad, I just want to keep him in that state of awesomeness.

My throat is dry, my mind is bored. I have so much homework this weekend, I can't even believe it. My teachers are fuckers on a major scale, what the fuck is wrong with them? Well, whatever, Anthony is annoying me and I think I pissed him off a bit. I kinda bitched at him for not being able to hang out outside of school, which I know is his parents' fault, but I just can't deal with it. I felt bad afterwards, because I know it's not his fault, but fuck, we need to hang out not in school. Anthony was put on ADD meds even though he doesn't have it, I told him he seemed happy and he said he was on this ADD medication. Haha, I asked him, "so, how's the speed? Are you doing drugs child? I'm going to have to slap you upside your head!" Radio show was good today, life will be good tomorrow. I just want to play Scrabble with Anthony, gosh darn it.

I finished "Beam Me Up, Scotty," which was so good. Whether someone is sober or enjoying the high life, it still works. It almost made me want to clean up my act... almost. Ashley doesn't know when I'm going to be able to come to her group home, but I'm kinda psyched. Sweet kid, I feel bad, sobriety is going to end soon for that one. When she gets out you can just hear it in the way she speaks. I figure that forced sobriety never works, you have to really want it. I was high last night, and it felt so right, it made me feel so much better. Man, this weed is making me so tired, 8 hours later you'd assume I'd be fine, but my head feels so tired. I'm going to bed, night night all you cyber junkies. = )

BTW, if you tell me who wrote the song the post is named after, I'll be forever impressed.

Here Comes Your Man

Yay! The ban on my unhappiness was lifted yesterday. Sadly, I was asleep for a good part of it, but it was still a lovely sleep. I'm very happy about life, haha... guess why? I'm kinda worried, as I drove home today after dropping of my friend Nina (a different one than usual) my only thought was I should get high today. Nope... I should wait until saturday and I'm in the city. The city is always so good and it makes everything better... I could like cut my regular dose and just have a small high... I mean, I could cop sooner than I wanted to, this could work if I got high today... I'm not going to though. I have homework that I need to get done before I go into the city. Tanzen and I shall go on another adventure. Now this begs the question: should I be high around Tanzen? Is this a shitty thing to do (around everyone else I wouldn't give a shit, but she actually allows me to talk about anything)? I doesn't really matter, and I know what the answer for me is, no matter how much I don't want to admit it: it frankly doesn't bother me at all. The only other thing is that in the city, while high, you have to walk a lot. Which always is something I'd rather not to do, but whatever, it'll be fun. I just can't be high on the train because I will nod out against the window. I'm kind of excited as always. I love seeing Tanzen and it's always fun.

In other news:

My dad's birthday is tomorrow, so we're going out to dinner. I should probably make him a card or something. I didn't get him anything, he never asks. Anthony and I are also hanging out tomorrow, so I just have to hope that neither encroaches on the other's time. I want to do both, but that's easier said than done. I hope the food is good, that's what I'm mostly thinking about (how horrible... I know).

For my dad's birthday, I'm going to tell a story he told me:

My friend came over to my apartment, this was before you mother and I met. Everything was normal and we were sitting talking. He was sitting on my sofa; he had on a white long sleeved shirt. Slowly I began to notice a red spot on his inner arm slowly get bigger. It kept growing, I asked him, "Did you cut yourself?" He looked at me and didn't say anything. I then immediately told him, "Get out. Leave and don't come back until you're clean." You see, Lucy, I think heroin is the worst drug. I've never done it, or speed for that matter or crack.

Obviously, when I first heard this, my only thought was, "well, that's pleasant." I think it's kind of ironic now. He's always liked to tell me about the drugs he's sold, done, etc.. It used to be entertaining, but mostly I just don't want to hear about it.

Anyway, I've got homework to do and a guitar lesson to go to, so I'll check you guys on the filp side.

BTW, listen to the song "Here Comes Your Man" by The Pixies. I've been listening to it non-stop for like three days... haha. = )

Bored of Television

MUSIC AND COMICS:

The Methadones keep telling me, "I'm bored of television, but I'm always keeping it on." I smile. It's a good song. It came on this compilation that came with this comic book I got in Chicago. The comic is a classic punk-stoner-mid-20s dude one, which are my favorites (haha). I keep thinking about how the compilation comic I'm in will be out in November, I can't wait. It's kinda weird to think about, but it's awesome. None of my friends are really psyched about it, but I'm so excited. I really wish I knew some zines where the writers didn't already do all the comics. I've been working on one about a guy who works at the Gap and, in an attempt to stick it to the man, begins to remove the body parts of some of the customers while working in the fitting room. He then sells their body parts to different stores to use as mannequin parts. I think I've already talked about it, I have the first 4 boxes done, but I think it will take probably 16 boxes in total. That seems like a good number, something that would make a long enough story.

DISBELIEF AND SICKNESS:

I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of summer, it's making me feel almost sick. There's been a weird haze hanging over me for the past few days, I've been dizzy, hot, tired, and just feeling out of it. It's a weird state, something that I would attribute to being high if I wasn't stone cold sober the times that it occurs. It makes me nervous because being all wobbly is only going to make people suspicious, which is all I need.

GROWING UP AND WHO I AM:

I don't even want to think about school, I've been trying to do all the work for it, but I've had trouble concentrating. I can't believe I'm starting senior year. That's crazy. I'm turning 18 in 6 months which is even crazier. I know how dumb both of those things sound, it just doesn't seem like I'm that old. I definitely don't feel 17, I feel like so much younger. I don't want to grow up, I want to be a teenager forever. The only thing good about growing up is moving out and having some privacy and freedom. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions: one to college and success, and the other anywhere wherever I want, not caring about what's going to happen. I can't reconcile the two, it's really bothering me. I know I'm going to end up in college, it's set up and fixed, it's like a giant boulder on the path. In some ways I think of the song "16" by Green Day, "I wish my youth would last forever, why are these times so unfair?" It's corny, I know that, but I guess I just feel like I don't want to be expected to be all together and set like adults are supposed to be. The more and more I see the more and more disillusioned I feel. Every adult I meet seems worse and worse off than the first one and I can't reconcile it with how they are "supposed" to be. People keep telling me what I am and what I'm not. "You look like a punk." "You're a stoner." "You're a nerd." All these people want to label me, well I'm way more than a fucking label. I'm a typhoon that's going to kick the shit out of you unless you back off. I'm the kid who walks into school everyday just praying that you're going to pick a fight because all I want to do is punch something, anything, and your face will do just fine. I'm the kid who you push on the stairs who is going to push you harder, and when you ask why, I'm just going to chuckle. I'm the kid at the show who knows the band, who has patches on the table that the band is selling. I'm the one at the front of the stage who the singer is poking in the head. I'm the kid who you tell your friends about and suddenly I'm meeting people who all know my name. I'm the kid who you have no idea where I'm from but you assume I'm a local. And you know what, I fucking love who I am. That's what I've come to realize, there is nothing I want to change about myself. All of my mistakes are my own and any shit that I get into I will have to face, I can't deny it and I can't change it. Everyone else want's to deny who they are and they want pretend they are someone else, but I see through most of them and that's what makes me angry. I hate all of these phonies that I have to deal with day to day. I can see most people's true colors and I usually see things that I hate. Sure, sometimes I'm weak, sometimes I get sad, but I know that and I own that. In some ways, I'm excited about school, I love dealing with everyone. Alone my emotions are so boring, there is no one to combat them, no one to alleviate them or make them worse. I love school because it brings out happiness, love, humor, anger, pain, it brings out everything. I love school because with human interaction you figure out your true character, it forces you to change and do things you can't do alone. I love school because it is so entertaining, I hate the boredom, but I love all the emotions that it brings into me. I love feeling things; for 7 hours a day I have no reprieve and everything is more real.

TODAY (NYC AND AT HOME):

Today was a good day. I had to wake up early which was horrible. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. My mother and I loaded into the car and we drove off to NYC. I love the drive and I know all the sights by heart. Slowly as we approach you see the entire New York skyline and I can just feel all the possibilities spread out before me. That is why most people will tell you they love New York, it has every possibility you could want, all you need is a way to find it. As I drove past I wondered how many people were taking their morning shots, it was 7:45. We finally got there around 9:15, right in time for my doctor appointment. We discussed my knee and all the regular crap. I have to have a blood test, which always makes me nervous. I'm worried that my parents are going to sneak a drug test in there (I'm convinced that they would take such pleasure in that, sadistic freaks). We were done by 9:35 and driving out of the city. The drive back is even better, we drive back on the West Side, which is truly beautiful. I've always enjoyed sitting the passenger seat, alone with my music. I got home around 12 and slept until 3, at which point my neighbor Katie came over.  I've known Katie since we were children and we're almost like sisters. We sat around and hung out as always, Katie says something strange, I say something back, she miss hears me, I correct her, we both laugh; it's a time tested method of communicating between two insane people. It's always fun, though occasionally it really tries my patience. Katie and I are like two really insane old ladies. She made me watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager," which I was hoping I was going to hate. But, I have to admit that it wasn't horrible. Now I'm watching the Cleaner, which is, as it is every week, so good. Haha, this week it's about a high school student (a senior) who is addicted to heroin. I think I'm going to watch it again in the next hour. The pills are starting to kick in and I'm starting to feel better.

SLEEP AND PARANOIA:

I'm having some problems with sleep. I get in bed at 11 and I can't fall asleep until 1:30, it's driving me up a wall. I just wish that I could be like normal people and get in bed and fall asleep. My mom and I were just discussing this. We were talking and she was staring into my eyes and I was freaking out. My brain is screaming, "SHE KNOWS SHE KNOWS SHE KNOWS ABORT ABORT ABORT GET OUT OF THE ROOM." I keep talking to her and slowly I back up into the hallway where the light is off. I get into my room and shut the door. I stare at my eyes in the mirror. My pupils are fine, I look gross and dirty, but not obviously high. Ugh, paranoia probably helping my sleeping either.

CONCLUSION:

Anyway, I hope everyone else is feeling great and is sleeping better than me.

THE METHADONES, "BORED OF TELEVISION":

You're Insane

My head is slowly getting heavier. Thoughts of Anthony cross my mind and I smile. His hair always gets like it's been stuck in a box, all boxy, it's cute. We went to the movies today and saw Pineapple Express. We hung out for an hour afterwards just talking, we sat in a park and then we got in my car and drove over to the school parking lot. We waited for his friend to get out of pre-season practice, but his friend left instead of coming to hang out. I really love hanging out with him, it's just nice. "Welcome to Paradise" came on the radio, and we both laughed, we turned it up and sang along. Anthony and I are like peas in a pod, or something like that. Haha, he just makes me so happy.

The Blackout Shoppers last night was I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E. The lead singer poked me in the head. His nail digging into my scalp, I just smiled at him. Some bands don't acknowledge people who stand in the front row and sing all the words, but the Blackout Shoppers are not one of those bands. As I would be singing, the singer would get up close to me, he'd point at me and make gestures, and he would let me sing with him in the mic. It got me so pumped up, I was just in love with it. The were giving away pins, stickers, and CDs. I took 2 pins, 3 stickers, a CD (Live From Fucking New Jersey), and I bought a shirt for $5 (it was supposed to be $10, but I didn't have any more money). I watched the merch table for a few minutes because a girl had taken a 7" without paying (she thought it was free). I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, he would look at me and make weird expressions (that's just what he does) and I would give him weird looks back or I would just smile back. The show was so good, it was $10 and well worth it. I'm in love with the Blackout Shoppers. If you want a good NYC punk band which includes: great live performances, all ages shows, good instrumentals, and kickass lyrics, then this is the band for you!

I'm leaving tomorrow for a college visit, which I am not excited about at all. My mother and I are going to be driving for 13 HOURS, it's going to be nuts. My mother gets stressed out really easily, and once that happens, well, let's just say it's unpleasant. Hopefully she stays calm and the trip will go down without a hitch, but that's doubtful. She flipped out a few weeks ago about me spilling ketchup on my hands, she screamed at me to "stop sitting there, looking helpless." I was in a bit of shock, mostly because I just wasn't sure what to do because my hands were literally covered. That whole outburst did not help that situation, like all of her outbursts.

I'm not really excited about anything, the only thing I hope is that I can finish both of my summer reading books before we get home. Beyond that, I would just like to chill out for the next two weeks before school starts and not stress too much.

Welcome to Paradise

I'm sitting on my cousin's house, nervously looking over my shoulder, checking that I can blog in the saftey of the 4 'o clock hour, this lovely Sunday morning. I haven't slept a wink, Ruby (his roommate's gf) and I were talking and looking at youtube videos for hours. I love staying at my cousin's house, there's never a dull moment. I think they're digging up the bomb shelter (I'm not kidding) in their backyard soon, which I definitely want to see. They're always getting into crazy adventures, which usually entertain me for multiple hours.

Last night my friends and I got stoned out of our minds. Sitting in the frontseat of Nina's car as we slowly passed her grandfather's pipe between the three of us. "You're such a pothead" I'm not a pothead, you both are! I only smoke with you two "No, if we're both potheads, then you are too." That was the big debate of the night, I still say that I'm not, my friends are the people who take one hit and then it's all "I'm blazed, man." It's kind of offensive honestly, of all the names someone could call me, pothead is definitely not one of them. That's so pejorative and just plain gross. I'm finding pot more and more pathetic every time I smoke it. Right before hand I think whatever, this is no big deal. Afterwards all I can think is you look like such a dumbass. Ironically, no other drugs effect me in this manner, so clearly it's just the weeds fault. I'll pop some hydros, I feel no guilt. Smoke half a bowl, I just feel dumb. We went over to Nina's house (on the way she kept calling me Helen Keller, "Helllllllllllenn Kellllllllleer, why are you in my car? Oh, Helen?") and then we met some other people there and played Scategories for a few hours. It was interesting, it's never dull when my friends are around. That's the thing, we end up going on these weird adventures, where half of my mind is going "we're going to die!!!" and the other half is going "Yeah man! Let's go!!!" I figure logic says, "your stoned friend should not be allowed to drive the car and call you Helen Keller." But, awesome says, "It probably can't kill you and it's going to be awesome, so why not?" I love my friends, wherever we are there is always something interesting happening. The only time we are bored is while watching TV.

Lauren and I are going to see the Blackout Shoppers tomorrow, they're playing a show on the Lower East side. I'm psyched, they are so good. They are definitely one of my favorite unheard of NYC punk bands. I'm really getting into the scene in NYC, it's funny because slowly you begin  to see the all the same bands at each show. People become familiar sights and it's just all around more fun. I love going to shows and because of that NYC is paradise.

Big City

11:17 a.m., the 10:25 train to N.Y.C..

The train is always a sad place. You watch people with no purpose try and change their place in the universe; the universe is a treadmill. I wish they would never turn the lights on, darkness is better on the train. When I first started riding it I truly enjoyed it, but now it just makes me sick. The only things I like are those few fleeting moments when you see New York in the distance.

I've been trying to read the Village Voice, but I'm not very entertained by it right now. I woke up in a shit mood, mostly because I woke up to Lauren flaking on plans again. Again is the most important part of that statement. It's partially my fault, I let her treat me like shit.

I still haven't seen Anthony and it's driving me a bit crazy. I really do miss him. We talk on the phone almost everyday. He broke is toe a few days ago,  so I know he has to stop his skating lessons (he's a hockey player) which is probably bumming him out. I want to bake him cupcakes or something, you know, I just want to be all girly and take care of him. He'd probably be annoyed that I thought he needed to be taken care of.

I'm going over to my cousin Chris' house tomorrow. He lives with this guy Scott and Scott's girlfriend Ruby. I refer to Chris and Scott as my two dads. They've been friends since college. Almost once a month they basically adopt me for a weekend. They truly are my favorite people.

Yesterday, my dad showed me his switch blade, which was pretty cool. I could here something clicking in his room, pop-pop, pop-pop, pop-pop, and so I got up to here what it was. My dad can be really fatherly, but generally about all the wrong things. In the 7th grade he explained to me what a head shop was. And so we had a discussion about different types of knives. I was saying how a friend of mine is buying knuckle dusters and my father said he had a pair somewhere. In some ways I know my dad is generally a really cool person, yet he still pisses me off to no end. We're way too similar, but sometimes I really do enjoy my dad's company. I occasionally forget that he is actually a cool person, which was a nice reminder.

Well, I'm off to the city to drop off a book for my professor and then some shopping. I'm itching like no tomorrow, but I'm trying to deal. Haha, I'm doing alright.

Today was the future yesterday

TODAY:
I met Ned at the subway and we walked over to a diner on Bleeker. He was nice enough to buy me lunch: pancakes, sausage, and coffee. I asked about going over to Tompkins Square Park, he looked at me, a bit puzzled: "Why would you wanna go there? It's full on sketchy." I smiled and said: "Well, I've never been there and I want to see it." He accepted that and said that maybe we could go there tomorrow. It's a walk a bit farther than we want to travel.

We walked over to class and slowly I felt my back becoming drenched in sweat. It's the same as every other day. The farther we walk the more soaked my back becomes. We bump fists and go to separate classes. I sit in class and stare at the board, my professor has a particularly funny example of a baby genius: illustrated by a baby with an grey wig and a moustache. It's an entertaining classes. I ask him if he will give me a recommendation for college, he says that I will have to wait and see until after class is over, but he says that the paper I gave him was good. I smile. I walk out and I pull my fist down in moment of triumph.

I hit the street and Ned and I slouch back towards the subway. We fist bump again and I wander back home. It was a good day.

My mother just walked in and warned me about drinking coffee everyday: "... because if you don't drink it one day, you'll get bad headaches. I mean really bad headaches." Good advice.

YESTERDAY:

I baked her that cake for her birthday, it actually tasted pretty good... I know it's not the most impressive cake decoration, but I tried hard. I think she really liked it. I gave her a Kitchenaide stand mixer, so I used it to bake the cake. It's a white supreme cake with dark chocolate fudge frosting. We only had 6 candles in the house, so I put them all on.

SATURDAY:

Anthony and I did go see the Dark Knight, which was pretty good. I don't know if I am as enamored with it as everyone else is, but I did enjoy it. We were bored afterwards and so he came over and we watched the first half of Trainspotting. I was driving him back to his house afterwards and he turns to me and says, "Do you think heroin smells bad?" I just said, "I'm sure it doesn't, or, at least, not any worse than most things."

Nothing much

This website confuses me to no end. It's not the actual use of it, I just don't know how to go about finding blogs that have topics I want to read about. I don't think this should be this hard. In fact, I'm sure it's simple but yet I can't find the answer.

I think I'm going to back a cake for my mother today. Then I will go out with Anthony. I'm kind of afraid for some reason. It's weird but today just keeps reminding me of last fall. There's a feeling that I don't really understand.

I guess, I'll write more about today later when something has actually happened. = )