Drink Drank Punk

So... I couldn't sleep. Wow. Not really a surprise. Thought about taking some benzos to get me off to sleep, but I think it's all bad. I'm going to stay away from all of that shit for as long as I can, or unless this insomnia thing gets way out of hand. It's annoying as fuck.

Last night, I was puking my guts out on the pavement of Tompkins Square Park. I've been sick there once before, but that was 2 years ago. I was lying down, my other wasted friend Steven was flicking water on my face, keeping me awake, making sure I didn't pass out. Excessive alcohol consumption + caffeine + 110 degree weather = lots of puking. The first time I puked I was half laying down on the ground, the second time I was sitting up on a bench, and ended up puking on my boots. Nasty nasty stuff. My friend Milo was kind enough to get me to the subway and buy me a ride. I don't like drinking. Milo and I both have done a lot of drugs, I was (I'm pretty sure) yelling at him about how I hate alcohol and how I'd rather just get fucked up if I'm gonna be puking like this, etc. etc.. I think I was also harassing hipsters as we walked ot the subway. A water covered, vomit smelling, drunk punk kid being held up by her much larger, biker/GG Allin looking friend--we must have been some sight. Haha, but it was all in good fun. I've felt like shit all day, but i don't know I'm feeling a bit happier right now. I was down like an hour ago, but I think my mood has leveled off.

I got into Trash Bar this week to perform as well. It's this obscenely difficult to get into bar that hosts a lot of punk show, and being my 19 year old self, I was a tad concerned if I would REALLY get in. But my bf's band gave me stuff to carry, so that got me in the door. Once I was in the backroom where the stage was, it was super dark and I figured I was finally in the clear. Then some guy came up, one of the workers who checks ID. He asked us all to show him our IDs, and I was like: FUCK. I pretended to look for my wallet in my bag and calmly stated to my bf P that I must have left it at his house. The man then started shining hte light in my face, and asked me how old I am. It went down something like this:

Him (standing over me with a flashlight): How old are you?

(shines light on my face)

Me (bending over my bag, stand up): I'm 23.

(He continues to shine the light in my face)

Me (sticking out my tongue and opening my mouth wide): I feel like I'm at a Dr. appointment. How does my throat look?

He then laughed and stamped my hand. And history was made. In my mind.

Anyway, I'm going to try out this whole sleeping thing. Here's a poem I wrote tonight. It's terrible. Enjoy!

Another junky-child asleep on the asphalt

I could hear her shrill silent scream

It left the air empty

Like the dry heat of summer

I curled up in a ball beside her

The shallow moonlight lit the gray tracks of tears on the sheets

My loneliness played across the room

I tried to remember why Paris always seemed better at night

But then I let out another silent scream

For relief of this yearning

The deep-seated, empty belly syndrome

That left us on our knees every night

Praying at that empty altar

Waiting for a moment

Of pure silence

After the sermon had stopped

I found myself surrounded

By these thoughts

Too numerous to stop

The rambling of an amphetamine brain

But without the amphetamine

Tears seemed to fall slowly

Rolling down as if to savor the moment

That feeling of pure desire

The roll and ebb

Flowing up and down my spinal chord

Playing my body like a harp

And leaving my brain to reel

Now there is no scream

Just silence

An empty mind

Which now only simmers.

33 days and Trainspotting...

I'm watching Trainspotting, as is my custom when I am sick. Ugh... I probably shouldn't be watching it right now... but I am.

I'm so bored right now, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

I missed out on this trip because I didn't feel good when I woke up. They were going to Vaux le Vicomte which is a pretty awesome looking place... whatever I'm going to finish up my homework and rest. Whatever.

Shitty mood.

I wrote a limerick yesterday:

There once was a dirty, anarchist punk

Who spent his days and nights getting quite drunk

But all of that liquor

Just made him sicker

So he decided to stare shooting junk.

Limericks don't have to make sense, which I had to point out to Mike when he was like: "junk would make him just as sick." Mike is a dirty anarchist punk, so I was like, "this is not about you." I like limericks, they're fun to write. Ugh. I hate myself today.

Tomorrow will be better.

- Lucy

27 days of sickness...

My nose hurts. And my stomach hurts... luckily, it has calmed down since earlier. It was really bad and just kind hit me suddenly as we were walking around the flea market. My stomach went, and then the sweats hit me, and then I was dizzy and knew it was time to go. I hurried home, having to convince my friends that I had to get back, and stripped out of my clothes and changed into my shorts/t-shirt. I laid down on my bed and tried to calm myself down and make sure I didn't puke my guts out... I don't know what I did to deserve those feelings today, but obviously my body was UNHAPPY.

I went to an infoshop yesterday and picked up different zines and other publications about the anarchist and punk scene in Paris/France. It's cool shit, only one was in English, but the rest is in French, so I mostly understand it... mostly.

I bought Mike a postcard from the anarchist bookstore, which was someone hooked up to an IV filled with money, and the line was being clipped. Today he had an endoscopy, and so he was feeling really weird today when we talked, just a bit under the weather and shit. He said that the only thing that hurt was the IV in his hand, so at least that was the only thing that really bothered him. I miss him... he's so cute.

Last night I got a bit drunk on some vodka and beer... and while I was drunk I remembered why I dislike drinking and why it's bad for me to drink... BAD. Because, I drink one glass and I'm not drunk enough, so I have another glass so that I feel a bit more drunk, and then blah blah blah I feel like shit. So, yeah, no more boozin. I'm afraid of latching onto alcohol...

UMM... nothing else is happening. I bought a leather jacket and took out the shoulder pads, so it's looking pretty snazzy. Anyway... I'm bored and Mike is being kinda douchey so I gotta snap him out of it.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

- Lucy! = )

Devil's Playground

I'm still sick. My mind is still awash with my own shortcomings, but it's not as bad as it was. I wish I had gone to school today. I'm also pissed at myself because I'm going to miss pit orchestra practice tonight (I'm shooting my conductor an e-mail as we speak). Anyway, I feel like doing updates an all of the different drug schemes that are floating around my friends and world:

JUNK

This girl who is considered a creep and a snitch went to rehab. She's friends with a few of my friends, and is totally in love with my friend Helen (who happens to be straight, haha). I'll call her "Hannah." Anyway, she went away, and was considered a terrible influence because she got someone else I know into E. I never got the appeal of E, but whatever, to each their own. Anyway, she was sent off to rehab in December or November, but the reason was never really open for discussion or known. The other day me and my other friend are talking, and he tells me that she was in rehab for junk. Now, this wasn't a surprise. I've known that there was H in my town since like 8th grade, but I didn't know anyone who was into it besides my good friend's older sister and aunt/uncle who are junkies. This explains a lot because "Hannah's" facebook always had weird shit on it like, her girlfriend saying, "you know sharing needles is uncool blah blah blah talk to me." I thought that was funny at the time, because really, you wouldn't delete that comment.

PILLS

I don't know if I talked about Nina's forays into opiates, but I will now. That child is ridiculous occasionally. She's sitting infront of me in class scratching. Constantly scratching. Finally, I ask her what she's on. She says vicodin. I'm like, dude, that's the reason you're itchy. Apparently this surprised her, haha. Anyway, I didn't think she liked opiates at all. But, she's trying to buy some percs from this girl in our grade. Lauren told me, and so I texted Nina to see if I could get in on it, and she told me to talk to the girl. Here's the thing, Nina is friends with everyone, and everyone likes her, most people know me, but not personally, and not everyone likes me. I don't know why I couldn't just giver her fucking money, and she could get me shit. Anyway, I dropped it after I asked her how much a pill and what the mgs were, and she obviously had no idea.

Silly kid, pills are for adults.

COKE

Nothing on this front to speak of. Still too afraid of M. Haha, I'm such a coward. After I get some money for my b-day, I'll see about speaking to her.

SALVIA

Worried about Tanzen having that in her possession.

1.) She can be impulsive.

2.) She has never taken any kind of psychedelics.

3.) I don't want her parents finding it, and her getting in trouble.

I love Tanzen, but that child better not get into trouble, haha. She needs people to watch her back.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I worked on my vest and put on some nice stencils and shit. I'm going to post pictures of the process... because who wouldn't want to see that? No one. That's who. = ) Also, I'm in a way better mood than yesterday. I'm going to work on Latin and English and shit, and just get done with my homework so I don't have to worry about it. My dad's being annoying, but whatever, he's leaving this afternoon, so I'll have the house to myself.

I'm just chilling out at the moment, watching TV. My stomach is hurting like a bitch, and my throat is really sore. It's not much of a party, but I'm trying to stay content. I've been drawing a lot, which is always good. Playing some guitar. Just trying to keep myself sane and happy.

= )

I hope you guys are having a great week!

Love,

- Lucy

BTW, the stencils on my jacket are: GB CREW (on the back, under the collar), Circle Jerks (I did the lettering, which I'm proud of), The Germs (it's a dog with it's tongue sticking out), Stiff Little Fingers (not really though, before the stencil said fuck you under it, but my mom got upset, so I took that part off of it), The Stooges, The Ramones (I did some nice cross stitches on that patch, its really cool looking in my opinion), then there is my Zero Boys pin and my Bomb the Mall patch (just a slogan). I'm pretty happy, I'll probably add more studs and shit, but otherwise, it's pretty much complete. = )

Glue Man

I have been going on an emo-teenage bender these past two weeks. I feel like crap about everything. I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate how I look, I can see nothing good in anything I do. And, being that this is the technology age, and this is my emo week, I wanna tell it to all of the people I look up to over the internet. Oh yeah, it's like a motherfucking emo-dial, ready to freak people out. Luckily, I'm fairly aware of how bad this will make me look, so I'm keeping it to my good friends and shit and not going on about it on myspace or facebook or anything else.

Not to mention I have strep throat, which is really only adding to my cheery demeanor.

Anyway, this weekend I went to Tanzen's 18th birthday party. We met up early to go to a book signing in the city, which we bailed on about 2 hours into and gave the books to her sister who works at the cafe attached to the bookstore to get the books signed. Walked over to the Strand and I bought another Irvine Welsh book, HARDCOVER, for 5 bucks. God, I love used book stores. Then we wandered down to the salvation army and I got a brand new flannel for 3 bucks. Jordan texted me and told me that ARCHY was down at ABC for the show. I had already told him I would go down and say hey and shit, so we walked down and I ruminated on the idea of a possible fight. Got down there and said hey to Jordan, who was steaming over her presence at the show and seemed to be going into a state of testosterone filled rage. I stood there and he paced a bit around saying hey to people, kind of acknowledging me kind of not, just kind of speaking and not really giving a fuck that I was there. I said hey to Emz too, who is a 14 year old I've befriended and given protection from the Crew. Good kid, smart, I just told her not to get into too much trouble. Anyway, after saying hey to people there, the management was yelling for people to go around the corner or go inside, we weren't paying, so we walked up to a Diner to grab some fries and sodas. My feet were killing me by now because of the fishnets I was wearing. We walked for another 45 minutes to Thompson street to go to Generation Records. A store in front of which I promptly put on pants to keep my legs warm. Yes, I almost striped on the street, but not really because I had on my dress still. Tanzen also took some hot photos of me in the process, haha. Went in there and I bought a new Zero Boys button, I just love them and they aren't appreciated enough and don't have merchandise in a lot of places. 

During this time I kept smoking, I have a bad habit of smoking a lot if I have a pack. I don't usually have smokes, but when I do I chain smoke them, haha. Finally, after lots of walking we went up town and did all the shit for the party. All of us kids hung out, I saw most people I knew, and if I didn't know them, I quickly did. Haha, I'm good at mingling. This guy was serving up tequilla from the bar, and he was being obnoxious as shit about it and making everyone, including myself, drink it straight. I don't like tequilla. I will only drink whiskey straight. So, I drank it, but I kind of just sipped it, I don't usually force alcohol down. I probably had 4 or 5 shots, and so I was feeling a bit inebriated by the time the party winded down. I was then forced to go to the Marriot, I good 6 or 7 blocks away and ride the glass elevator, which was cool, but a long fucking walk. When we arrived in Brooklyn I was tired, Molly was puking in the subway station, and Commie (yes, as in he is a Communist and people call him Commie) was getting a bit touchy-feely, so when we got back to Tanzen's house I headed upstairs and fixed the futon up and got into bed fast. There was a bit of discussion over whether or not the leaves that Irina gave her were Salvia, which they are. I told Tanzen not to do anything stupid. The next morning, Tanzen, me, and Marci went on the subway. On which I was informed that it was a surprise to Marci how intelligent I am. This made me laugh, and I told her that tequilla happens to lower my IQ. We hadn't talked at all at the party, and the most words I had said to her in the morning were probably me yelling at her and Tanzen to shut the fuck up or I was going to beat them up, because I was trying to sleep and I was a bit hungover (haha, I'm not a morning person).

What I guess could be the most important part of this was what we actually talked about the day before, and how it coincided with our train ride once it was just Tanzen and I. I started talking to Tanzen about the whole coke situation, blah blah, and how M makes me fucking nervous as shit, how I don't know how to contact her without her verbally abusing me over the phone (haha, sad but true, this girl scares the shit out of me). Tanzen said something that legit scared the shit out of me, and is making me feel a bit guilty and glad that I haven't given her any drugs or anything besides weed (and hydros, but only once, because lets face it, I'm selfish and I feel guilty when I fuck her up. Ironically, my own selfish intentions, are helping her). She said this to me, "Weed is known as a 'gateway drug,' and I've been standing in the door way for far too long." My immediate reaction mentally was, "WOAH! I didn't realize that she really felt like this. Is this my fault? Have my own stupid stories and drug problems and shit causing my friend to think that harder drugs are the answer to her problems? Fuck..." It actually soured me to the thought of drugs for the entire day. I just thought about how much I love Tanzen, she's my best friend, and how I don't want to be the reason for her ever having a drug problem. At the same time, I crave a partner in crime, but it's not bad enough for me to want to risk her in the process. I mean, I'm a dumbass, I make bad choices constantly. I keep fucking up sobriety, as I did today, as I did two weeks ago. I keep ending up depressed and feeling like shit and not letting myself long enough time to normalize, before I just fuck my brain up again. I don't want this for her, and I don't want her to be in any way drug-dependent. I have been known to be easily able to influence people into doing dumb shit, I've always been a good talker, and I can talk up my own shit. Is my mouth gonna fuck up my friends. I don't know.

I worry about this shit. I worry about her. I worry that I got high yesterday (it was today, but I guess now it's Tuesday morning) and it barely changed my feeling towards the world. I am actually pretty sick, which sucks. I am going to be 18 in 5 days. Holy fuck. For 5 more days I am still just a minor threat.

I'm trying to stay positive and not do anything dumb.

Love you guys and hope you guys are having better days than me!

- Lucy

Strange

It's not really how I feel. I feel like reality is biting me in the ass. I woke up at 7:30 this morning, feeling like a combination of booze, candy, and pills were about to jump out of stomach (kinda hoping they would, seeing as how I felt like I was dying). Yeah, I was a dumbass and now I feel really shitty and I don't plan on doing that ever again. Tanzen mixed the remainder of our vodka with cranberry juice and mandarin orange seltzer... IT WAS NASTY. Anyway, I drank it... enough of it, to get me close to drunk, but not (as Santina would describe my antics occasionally) "WASTED!!!". Santina, Tanzen, Ned, and I went out to dinner last night and then hung out around the Village. We went to my favorite record shop "Bleaker Street Records" and then we went to Ned's house. Walking down St. Mark's we saw some Crustys that I had kinda met at a show at ABC No Rio at the WWIX show there a month ago, or so. One of them talked to me, and was kind of cute. I don't have a problem with crustys, some people really don't like them, but they don't bother me. We're just different styles really, that's the major difference. I was saying that to them as we walked West and they walked South towards the LES. I forgot to tell you guys that I'm the leader of the GB Crew, which is my crew of friends. Basically, my goal with our crew is to A) have an awesome time, B) eliminate "Archey" from our shows, C) protect the teenagers (especially the youngsters, like 14/15 year olds) from assholes like "Archey" beating them up, and D) make ourselves kind of like staples of our shows. Tanzen says I'm a born leader, I don't know if I'd agree with that, but I like to imagine that it's true. Anyway, the GB Crew is going to keep making the NYC punk scene as awesome as we can.

I am just feeling shitty, my stomach hurts, my head doesn't feel great and I keep having nasty dreams about getting caught with drugs or doing drugs... or something.

Two nights ago I dreamed that my father was going to give me a drug test requiring a urine sample. But, my rents left the house? And suddenly I was alone, and there was this bong for some reason, but it was like a graduated cylinder at the same time (dual functioning bong and graduated cylinder... for the stoner in every scientist). Inside of it there were tablets or pills or something, for a reason I don't know. Anyway, it was very bizarre, and then I woke up and shit. Then last night, I had a dream about my father coming into my room. I was laying in my bed and he was talking to me. I was talking about how I was feeling really bad and my stomach really hurt. He then replied with something about how it was going to hurt one of us more (I can't remember which one of us) and that I was going to get a blood test tomorrow. I'm so glad that that was just a dream. Fucking, obnoxious shit. I don't quit worrying until I'm in the clear for testing negative for any drugs that I've used in urine or blood tests.

This nausea is shitty at the moment. I feel kind of like just laying in a ball and not moving, but I want to finish up my homework and then see Zack. He's gonna give me my Valentine's day gift today. = ) I think its either flowers or a teddy bear (I kinda asked for the bear, because I saw it when we went out to dinner, and it was adorable and cliched and shit... and I wanted it!) mostly because he refused to put it in his backpack and bring it into school. I played him a song... and gave him the CD "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop (I wanted to give him the Buzzcocks album "Singles Going Steady"). I played him the song "Love You More" on guitar... and it was really awkward, but fun kind of. I get embarrassed easily when it comes to lovey-dovey shit. He thought it was "cute." Haha, I guess that's what I'm aiming for.... or something? I have no idea, I'm bad at being all cutesy and shit.

My one teacher yelled at me in the hallway for missing her class 4 or 5 times. Not, 7 or 8, not 10 or 12, 4 OR 5 TIMES. This woman is on crack. I think she thought I was cutting because my homeroom teacher thought I was on a field trip, so I don't know, maybe it came up that way. But I wasn't, I was legitimately sick. Only once did I cut her class, and that was a while ago. It was at least over a month ago. This woman is such a bitch, and I'm going to make her feel really shitty when I come in and tell her that it was for arthritis. Maybe that's a bitchy thing to do, but it's the best ammunition I got when it comes to teachers, because it's not a direct conflict, it just makes them feel bad. Honestly, making other people feel shitty is a lot more powerful than yelling at them, because that just makes them feel angry. I don't know. I was legitimately in a lot of pain, I have never missed school due to arthritis, besides last Thursday, because it really did hurt.

Anyway, I gotta get to doing homework.... because well... it's important? And I can't seem to be a slacker. It's just not in my nature, unless, I know it won't matter. So, I should go get on that. I also gotta make another GB Crew t-shirt, this will be the third. I gotta get some black pain to cover up part of this one because there's a design on it that she doesn't like.

Well, I'm off!

I hope y'all have a lovely Sunday and week until I'm back!

Love,

- Lucy = )

Oh Shit!

My stomach... feels like... SHIT. Okay, so my stomach does what it wants. This is bad because personally, I like crapping. Not like, I enjoy, but I prefer it over not crapping (sorry this is kind of inappropriate dinner-conversation, not that we're having dinner, but you know). The problem is that me and laxatives don't work. You see, I learned this in the hospital, now, obviously, it's worse when you load me up with opiates for multiple days and then it's like, "what the fuck were you thinking?" So, there I just stopped taking their shit for a day, and then it all worked, but my 3 days of laxatives made me sick for the next two days. Today, after taking the laxatives the night before last, I can still feel my stomach just like gurgling and rumbling and ready to explode... Probably my fault for getting high on Monday night, but I don't know if I am quite sold on that... Whatever the case maybe, my stomach is being a bitch.

I am supposed to be finishing all of my supplements for colleges this week because my UofC one is due on January 2nd, and then two are due on January 15th (I've already written one), and then the last one (which I have already written) is due on February 1st. That's the last 4 out of 12. Yeah, I went a bit crazy on the applying to colleges bit, but whatever, when I'm done and accepted to multiple schools (which is definitely the most likely thing), I'll be able to relax.

I'm psyched about getting back to New York. I saw my cousin ('s cousin, but they're just referred to as my cousins because I see them every year), and he and his boyfriend live in Queens together. I told them that we're definitely going to dinner in January some time. They're really cool and it's nice to be friends with people who are far over 21. Also, I have to hang out with Tanzen and this new kid who likes me Alec (even though I'm dating Zack, it doesn't mean I can't hang out with guys, I'm not going to do anything with Alec - I'm too jealous to do that kind of shit to someone else). Anyway, I was hoping to get nice and high and roll into New York and hang with Tanzen and go to a diner and some stores and then wander back to her house in a good mood. However, if we are in the companies of "adults," then I'm going to see about getting us some whiskey. I love it. I love whiskey. My brand is Jameson - NOT Jack Daniels (mostly because I can't drink Jack straight, while I can drink Jameson straight... Jack Daniels tastes like shit to me).

I can hear my families making food in the other room. I can feel my stomach cramping up. I don't want to move. I've been really thinking about time and shit. Where I was last year at this time. I had just gotten out of the hospital two months prior at the end of October, I had to lie out of my teeth to a therapist so that my enjoyment of needles didn't get outed to my parents (oh yeah, I'm a dumbass... I have like panic attacks and shit about that whole incident.... terrible bull shit), and I was still digging a needle through the fresh scar on my left arm... Now, I have a much older scar, an incident that still gives me panic attacks, and no track marks for a little under a year. I guess, I'm doing well. I don't know. I keep thinking about New Year's resolutions like: No more drugs. But I know how unrealistic that is. I'm going to play it by ear. I'm trying to convince my mother to let me go on a roadtrip across country this summer and see all the things that I've never seen (Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Pacific Ocean (I've only seen it in Australia and New Zealand), etc.). This would keep me away from drugs for a whole, well, however long it takes, a few weeks at least. And maybe it will give me some insight.

I don't know, breakfast is going to be ready, and I want to read other people's blogs, so I'm going to stop. Have a good sunday guys, don't get too cold... = )

Love,

Lucy

Holiday in the Sun

My nose is so stuffed. Fuck, I'm very very sick, which sucks. Bad bad cold. It's horrible.

I visited a college today, and I really enjoyed it. Definitely going to apply there, although it's filled to the brim with hipsters.

I had a big fight with Anthony, which wasn't fun. He just doesn't hang out with me, and then he goes "oh, I'm sorry, here... do you want a hug?" NO, I DON'T WANT A FUCKING HUG! I WANT A GODDAMN BOYFRIEND. So, yeah, that's basically what my brain was screaming, but instead I just kind of decided to be withdrawn. I went and talked to my fav teacher who was in his office. He and I agree that either Anthony needs to: 1. change, 2. break up with me, or 3. I need to break up with him. There can't be a middle a ground.

And, this whole thing with Anthony has kind of turned me into a bad girl... So, there's this guy... named J, who happens to be 21. He's so hot, and funny, and smart... and oooooh, he's amazing. So, I've been talking to him online and myspace (I met him at the show on saturday). Anyway, so we've been talking lots and yesterday he went away cause he fell asleep and I was like, "Oh... I see how it is." And today when I logged back in I saw that he said, "Oh, I feel asleep, I'm sorry, if you want to text me my number is:......" Hmm...? I know, are you thinking what I'm thinking too? Sarah has found a man. I know, everyone is like... "uhh... he's 21? that's fucked up..." All I can think is, "OH YEAH!" Sometimes he says things along the lines of: we can't date, you're too young, blah blah blah. But, then we converse hours, and he gives me his number... I don't know what to think, but I'm liking it. I know, I have a bf. But, a 21 v a 15... well, the 21 year old always wins. I know, I'm a playa', what can I say? hahaha...

He had to go take a shower, so he said, "I'm going to go, but just text me if i dont get back on and your bored." I don't know what to think, but he makes me all girly, and and... oh, I'm swooning. Haha, he's going to be at a show with me in the beginning of December, and I'm psyched about that. I was thinking about going to this show next saturday, instead of the one that's all ages, and J said, "Oh, I'm going. It's 18+, but I know the guy who put it together so I can get you in."

Oh, how I wish I J was here... he's so dreamy! = )

Saturday Night

I've been talking to Jordan a lot, who basically told me that it was no biggy, that Jay will probably never give me alcohol again, and that everyone does that at least once. He was asking me about what songs the Ray Gradys' covered. I remember singing some Zero Boys songs, and that's it. Apparently there were more, but I don't remember that at all. I've never had something like that happen, even when I'm seriously high I remember what happened. Hmmm, alcohol is a funny funny thing. = ) I really hope that Jay gives me alcohol again, that would kinda make me sad if I fucked that up, even though I'm pretty sure he never will again.

Jordan is so funny, he's 21, from Long Island, and a skinhead (not a racist one though, if he was a nazi skinhead I wouldn't speak to him, probably). A lot of people are unaware that not all skinheads are racists, so if you're confused about this you have now been educated. He sent me all of these MDC songs, which are awesome. My favorites are the two different songs: "John Wayne was a Nazi." He told me that he would consider me being almost 18 into whether or not he would at some point get me alcohol. Haha, when I couldn't remember the song, I told him to ask Jay and he was like: "Do you know how much more alcohol we had than you?" My response was that they're older and heavier, and that I'm a dainty young lady. = ) Haha, I really like Jordan, he's a funny as hell guy.

I'm psyched about the show in 2 weeks, it should be sweet. 10 bands/$5 in Queens. Mi madre is going to drive me, which is cool. I might bring a friend with me so that I'm not alone at the show. Maybe I'll get to read again? I have a new poem, which I shall now post for your entertainment:

My Favorite Flavor of Powerade

“Whiskey isn’t fun and friendly”
That is what I have been told
But I don’t think that’s true
Unless you are quite old

My parents think it’s bad for me
But I don’t agree
For the punks say its good
So I believe that it must be

I don’t mind falling over
And I like riding in your car
So please give me some more alcohol
Before you hit the bar

Jameson takes about 5 minutes before it kicks in
So maybe you should wait a second before you let me in
I don’t think I will puke but I may need to sit down
Don’t pull me off the floor, I’m more comfortable laying on the ground

That basically sums up my experience on saturday... I've realized how much of a good time I had and I've realized that I like drinking. I won't drink as much as last time, but a wee bit won't hurt me. = )

I'm really sick right now, I feel kind of like I'm going to puke. It's because I have a cold, so my snot is basically running into my stomach. I'm sure you all wanted to hear that.

I'm also very excite that Obama won, it's such great news. I feel like he can really turn our country around, at least more than McCain would have.

Teenagers from Mars

I don't have anything amazing to say, nothing insightful I feel completely drained of all thought. I've been so tired lately that I don't even want to get high, all I want is to be kept warm and left alone to sleep. I took a shower last night and I felt so good, my skin was so soft and I felt really warm and nice. Just kinda like everything that goes on had been washed off.

So, after skipping school yesterday to make sure Lauren didn't kill herself, even though my dad wrote me a note to make sure I didn't get in trouble, could still result in a detention (my first ever... I'm an angel, okay?).  Fuck, that will piss me off.

Not sick right now, THANK GOD! Man, if it's not one thing it's another with me. I have a blood test on Saturday, which is always entertaining. Haha, only the most skilled can hit veins in my right arm (which means that I was always screwed, especially cause I was using my left hand). Fuck, watching those people just stare at my arms, is enough to make me crazy. And then I gotta go pee in a cup, etc etc. It's for my arthritis, which is good because it also keeps tab of how my liver is doing. I'm really worried about fucking it up in the long run, but it's pretty safe for now.

I'm eating some pretty tasty Lucky Charms, and I just worked on my College apps, read some Naked Lunch... Life's okay today. All the songs coming up are really good on my shuffled play list. It makes me happy, it's the perfect stuff.

Tomorrow Anthony is coming over, and we get until at least 6:30 or 7 together tomorrow. FINALLY! = )

I'm getting an A+ in Statistics right now! And I got an A+ on my last Euro essay (she must not have read it, it wasn't bad, but wasn't that good). So, I feel good about myself. I'm a stellar student, obviously.

Nothing much to report beyond that... There was this weird moment I had at the show on sunday, though...

We were standing to the right side of the stage and waiting for the next band to go up. This guy I had seen walking around before came up to us. He looked half-Hispanic, half-Black, his hair was shaved into a mohawk. It was colored faded pink and blue, almost looking as if it was leopard print. He was gorgeous, but also about 30-something easily. He walks up to us and, as all people seem to do, says, "Do you have a dollar so that I can kill my last brain cell?" He stood right in front of me, and I did what I usually did: I stared at his eyes looking at the size of his pupils (I can' help it, my mind immediatley goes: "hmm... what drugs are you on right now?"). He looked at me though and something about it really struck me. I don't know what, it's just so vivid in my head. He was really attractive, I don't know why but just the thoughts of him just keep on replaying in my head over and over... Ugh, I'm so weird...

Anyways! Tomorrow is friday, wooooooooohoooooo! Thank God! And my friends shall be over on saturday for the show, so far I should be bringing 4 people or so. It's gonna be a party! = )

Astro Zombies

I'm in a good mood... I really really good mood. Partially chemical, partially natural. I've been bored and reading Gledwood's blog from the beginning. I always get into these moods where I just end up reading blogs for hours on end. Honestly, I feel so content with everything. I'm thinking about calling Lauren and seeing if her and Nina want to go to the Bargain Box with me later. I woke up this morning (as you can see by my last post) around 6 this morning. My body must be used to my regular schedule by now. I'm not really looking forward to the homework I have to do (a 1 page paper and a PP (power point) on Reagan's legislation and Rachel Carson for Environmental Science, and a paper for European History). I'm going to ask if I can wait to turn in the power point because I can't do it until my mom gets home tonight. My computer is a Mac, and our school only has PCs and so I have need to use her work computer. My dad's comp doesn't have PP on it. 

I can't wait to see Anthony tomorrow!!! He's going to come over after school and we're going to hang out... alone finally... in my room. Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm only 17, and I'm a virgin. Yeah, one of the few, the proud. Haha, my friend Ned was trying to make me feel like shit about it previously (Ned's going to end up getting some girl preggers soon, I bet), saying that he felt sorry for anyone who left high school a virgin. The reason I'm a virgin definitely isn't because I'm a prude, but because the guys I date I never really like. Sure, I'll make out with them, I'll go to movies with them, but I'm not going to have sex with them. 

The last guy I dated was a total douche-bag, he treated me like shit and told everyone about our relationship (some things you just shouldn't tell people about). The thing was, he told my friends because they were in the play with him. How dumb can you be? If you tell a girl's best friends all this shit and then you expect them not to tell her. To break up with me (which I was planning on doing anyway) he told me that he cheated on me and with who and then told me "not to tell anyone." Hahaha, I told EVERYONE! Fuck that, and everyone knew what a douchebag he was. The funniest shit is that his friends who I became closer with while we were dating actually like me better than him. Felipe kicked him the nuts (haha, in an attempt to uphold my honor). Anthony was actually friends with Will and we both agree that he's a douche bag. I also ended up keeping his guitar hero. He hasn't asked for it back and I sure as hell won't going to give it back. Ahhh to be a teenager.

I've always told people this, the biggest problem for me is that: A) I get bored with guys easily, B) I date guys mostly because I can, not because I really like them, and C) most of the guys I date don't really know how to be a good boy friend. But Anthony has beaten the odds.

Wanna know a secret?

I think... I'm going to tell him... on Friday... that I love him... AHH! Hahahhaha, okay, so yeah, I don't know, I think I will. It's kind of exciting, kind of scary, but I really want to.

I feel like I have so much to say, not that I really do, but I will probably keep talking. For Halloween I think I'm going to make myself a zombie, I'll do my make up really well (we have so much fake blood and costume make up it's kind of ridiculous) and then I'm going to buy that ridiculous jacket and I'll probably just take an old pair of my paints and slice them up. Then I'll use this white dress shirt that I got free and make it all dirty. I might stick up my mohawk and put this red gel I have in it (you know, like my hair is full of blood or some other shit, or just because it will look fucking cool!). Anthony is definitely coming to Lauren's house for her Halloween party, he doesn't like Halloween (I have no idea why, he says he just doesn't). It's looking to be awesome.

What else.... my toenails are red! Haha, I painted them a few days ago, I never paint my toenails and it freaked me out the other night. It was dark and I looked down at my feet and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my feet. I think being sick has also made me hallucinate, I was having a serious panic attack when I woke up that there were ghosts in my room and I swore that my door was open even though it wasn't.

I should probably go shower because the cleaning lady is coming today. Out entire house smells like ass (or dog piss), and I can't figure out why (the dog hasn't actually pissed in the house).

I hope this has entertained you (or at least wasted your precious time). = )

Chairman of the Bored

I'm sick from school again today. I feel like shit. I'm freezing and so I've crawled under the covers. I'm feeling a lot better, I woke up and I felt pretty horrible. But, now I'm feeling better. I have off tomorrow anyway, so I'll probably spend that relaxing and whatever. I think I'm going to go to the Bargain Box tomorrow in town and buy some clothes for my halloween costume. 10$ can go a long way there, which is good. I've been reading "Naked Lunch" still, it's confusing. Extremely confusing. I keep trying to make it make sense in my head, but I just can't. It's lots of little stories all crammed together, I have no idea where he is, what's going on, or who the people speaking are. It's still somewhat enjoyable. Every time I think I've understood it, the story changes again. I'm going to see Endangered Feces on sunday, which is cool. This girl I met at the LCB show and then saw again at the Reagan Youth show is going, so she invited me. I'm trying to get Ned to come too and maybe Alexis. Endangered Feces is cool because during their set they always throw lots of toilet paper at the audience, so there always ends up being a big toilet paper fight. It's soooo much fun, I can't wait for the show. = )

Well, not much going on, mostly just boredom. Catch ya on the flip side! = )

It's A Beautiful Day

My nose is running a marathon. It's horrible, I feel like shit and when I feel like shit I don't feel like doing anything. I basically curled up on my bed from 4 to 7, at which point I finally got up and made myself some soup. It's that new Campbell's, and it sucks compared to the old stuff. Being the kid of two working parents, I learned how to make my own dinner: soup. I'm a connoisseur of fine Campbell's condensed and noncondensed soups. Basically, I know it, I love it, and I eat it almost daily. This new soup tastes tamatoey, which completely ruins it.

My nose hurts so bad, I've been sticking Kleenex in it all day. It's raw and horrible and I feel like shit. I got home and I thought my dad was leaving when I pulled up (I did a little cheer in my mind). But, sadly he was just hobbling to get the mail. Last night he got a bit drunk and a bit obnoxious, he did the whole, "You'll be sorry when I'm gone routine." I was having none of it, so I just didn't respond. My mom said yes, I kinda wanted to shake her and ask her why she's still with him. He's a useless asshole and I hate him. He wasn't so bad when I was young, but he left when I was about 5 for 3 years in China. So basically, I didn't develop a really big attachment to him. When he came back he just assumed that he was my dad, which he wasn't. He has never been my dad. Then about 2 years later he started going out a lot again for work, so life went back to usual. And then suddenly he was home constantly. His partner robbed us out of lots and lots of money, and all this financial shit went down. So my mom, my mother who does everything for both us, had to use her hard earned money to pay for my dad. And then he hurt himself when he was working at Home Depot, and he fucked up his back. So now he's here all the time. It drives me nuts. I went from a kid who could count on being left alone (which I liked), to someone who now can't get a minute to herself. Sometimes he says things and does things that make me so angry, that I wish he could just hit me so I could kick the crap out of him. A week ago he threatened to hit me with wooden tray in his hands, and I told him to go ahead. My mom was standing there trying to talk him down. And I was dying for him to actually do it. Because at least if he hits me I can have a physical reason to show why he disgusts me. He disgusts me constantly. He doesn't give a fuck about me besides what people might think of him once they meet me. Sorry, for the rant, I'll shut up now. I've just been mulling it over and mulling over and it's driving me crazy. If I say any of this shit to people I know I just get given that whole, "Well, my parents blah blah blah." And so then I feel like I'm being a dumbass for hating him. Anyway, that's my story. I just wanted to say it once and for all. I hate to see that man in my mother's house on my mother's couch and eating my mother's food. He doesn't have that right.

Now, I'd like to sing you a song, "It's a beautiful, what a beautiful, it's a beautiful, beautiful day."

The Plot Sickens

My room is freezing and I feel like someone has hit me over the head. I woke up this morning, as per my usual with only 5 hours of sleep, and I felt like shit. My nose was stuffed and running, my throat was sore, and I kind of felt how I imagine road kill feels. My mother was not hearing it and told me to get up. I rolled out of bed, and got reading (Misfits shirt, flannel shirt, my fav black jeans, the belt I painted 2 years ago, my Docs, and my army jacket which I just finished studding saturday). Let's just say that when I got out of my car this morning I got more of the same looks from all of the kids in the parking lot, no one was smoking there cause it's too cold even for those vain fuckers. After two classes, I felt fucked, it was the whole, "I'm going to puke, crap myself, or faint, not in that order." The nurse actually let me out (what's up with that, I have no idea). My mother sounded sympathetic and wasn't angry (I asked if she was). As I trekked from the back of the school to the senior lot, I cut through the practice field. There are two ways to enter: One way is onto a path past a security guard (the one I hate, Missy), or a large gate which is not manned. Well, I went through the large gate, cut up and onto the path. I could feel someone following me, and even through the pounding sound of Reagan Youth, I heard keys jingling. The keys gave her away, but I just kept walking. She tapped me on the shoulder and looked, as always, pissed off and unfriendly. I pulled out my ID, and she let me go, "Don't cut through the practice field!" I just walked on, I didn't give a fuck, I felt like shit. I texted Anthony and told him I was sick and had left incase he was wondering, he said that he was. I texted Nina and told her I wouldn't be statistics, she told me to feel better.

When I got home my dad was there, and hadn't been expecting me. I read the first 2 chapters of Crime and Punishment for English, and then finally succumbed to my desire for sleeping at 11:50. My mother came in a few minutes later and talked to me, she was home (which is very rare) to have lunch with my father. That's the last thing I remember, and then it was 3:05 and the alarm was going off. My dad had definitely gone to the pharmacy, I listened quietly in my bed to hear if I was correct. I'm almost positive I was. I finally got up and started to read the last chapter of Crime of Punishment that was due, Anthony texted me to see how I was feeling. We texted back and forth for a while and then I left him alone.

He's been fighting for my honor (seriously, this is no joke) against our friend James, who thinks I ruined his chances to go out with this girl Brooke. Here's the thing: A) She was waaaaaaaay out of his league, he's a guy in the radio station and she's dating football players, B) I was no the one who told her he was asking her out, and C) I did so that he wouldn't be crushed. I was the first person he told (at least I think I was), but everyone knew what was going down. He didn't do it for 2 weeks (we all agree that he's a fucking pussy, and needs to grow up), but kinda feigned attempts at it. I had already talked to her about it and she was adimant that she felt bad but there was no way it was going to happen. I told him at the festival that it was definitely not going to happen. The next day he decided that he was going to almost completely stop talking to me. It's so dumb and immature. I guess he and Anthony were talking about it and Anthony was trying to convince him (of the truth) that I had only done it while looking out for his best interests. I think Anthony's words were, "that you didn't mean to do it." Now what IT is I'm not completely sure, this is implying some kind of blame on my part. Well, James can suck it, he's just pissed at himself for not having any balls.

Anyway, I'm mostly excited about a show on October 18th. It's World War IX and Blackout Shoppers, at this place about 40 minutes from my house. I'm going with Tanzen, Alexis, (maybe) Ned, (maybe) Anthony, and me. It should be awesome, I can't wait to see Justin, he's 22 years older than me.... and I have a giant crush on him. Haha, I've met his wife and he's not overly hot, he's just awesome an 39. I wouldn't mind him adopting me. I haven't seen WWIX since February and they're my favorite band, I saw Justin over the summer at a Kissy Kamikaze show and it was so much fun. I made WWIX patches over the summer and I love them and yeah. The show should be great and yeah, I can't wait.

Well, I should get to homework. I might end up going to school tomorrow and in that case I better be ready. = )

P.S. I have noticied that I feel like shit a lot, or I am sick a lot (they kinda go hand in hand), but hopefully I can get over this or whatever. Fuck, I really am sick this time.

What I See

My leg twitched inside it's shell. I stared at the screen. I've been thinking over a few weird moments, which I haven't said anything about:

1.) The homeless guy (possible junky) in Tompkins who walked past me. I looked at him and he stared directly into my eyes as he walked past me. I don't know what to think about it, I figure he was just sizing me up. Trying to figure out what I was and where I would fit in if I was going to be joining the unwashed masses of the park.

2.) "Yeah, it's all in with dealing with sobriety." My new thought is that Ashley can actually read my thoughts. We were talking in gym class about our weekends, I'm saying how I feel like shit, etc.. Nothing about the state of my drug use and suddenly she's bringing up my sobriety (which is going like shit, because it's going to be ended tomorrow or thursday). Cool kid and doesn't seem to care that I'm a needle using junky (then again, she's in a drug addict in a group home, probably doesn't feel she has room to preach).

3.) He stared at me like I had just insulted his mother. This guy at the Reagan Youth show kept giving me dirty looks the entire night. I was the only one with my mohawk up, and I wonder if it was that (sad but true). I figure if you're at a hardcore show, you should at least have the balls to say something to me instead of just shooting me dirty looks.

There are other things that I don't feel like bringing up... School's okay at the moment. I got two tests back: 90 and a 93, so two As is always good. Along with a few homeworks that got check pluses and "excellent"s (I said I was a good student, = ). I still haven't talked to my calculus teacher about missing his class. I hope that he doesn't yell at me, not that it would really bother me. I've realized that I don't give a crap about that class, I hate it, he makes it horrible. I enjoy math and he makes it unnecessarily hateful.

I'm wondering what's going on with my leg and if I can see about getting some medical dope for it. It won't be easy, just because of my arthritis (ironic isn't it). All parts of my right leg hurt, my knee is all swollen, sharp pains are running up and down my calf and foot. My doctor will probably just shrug it off as always, he's one of the leading doctor's in the world, so I have to trust him.

The TV flashes with "The Cleaner." Guess what? It's a show about drug interventionists and it focused tonight on a girl with the name of Sarah who had a problem with dope. It's not a reality show, so it's more fun. I really do enjoy it. There's this one guy Swenton, who reminds me of me. It makes it uncomfortable, because we're so similar.

Well, off to bed and another day of school... let's not say that I hate my life, just the things that I have to do in it.

- Lucy = )

BTW, two quotes: 

"I don't do drugs. I am drugs." - Dali

"Life's a bitch, but one day it's going to be my bitch." - My friend Nora

Are you really happy?

I keep blogging and blogging and blogging today from sheer boredom and a general feeling of ill will upon all humanity. I feel like killing everyone. It's just one of those days, I feel like shit, emotionally and physically, blah blah blah. I went to make dinner, two fried eggs, one rolls of the table and cracks, both stick to the pan and are extremely hard to get off. I put pepper on them instead of salt. I feel like all I do is complain when I start blogging. Usually, I sound a lot more upset or annoyed than I actually feel. Usually I'm pretty happy as or after I blog. I feel like this irony must be expressed.

I'm bored out of my mind, I hate the entire world, I feel like killing myself... ooop, guess what? What's a 17 year old junky to do without any gear? Eat, do homework, complain, do some more homework, eat, listen to music, read, attempt to sleep. This monotony is going to beat the crap out of my brain. I feel like I should be slamming my head into the wall, or running away. I'm too dedicated to this ideal life of senior year and then college, I can't run away. I mean, I can, I've thought about it a lot since I was younger. You are in the bottom of floor of Penn Station where the LIRR tracks are. You wander over to the 123 and hop on a train to Christopher and Sheridan Street. You wander over to someone's house and call them to see where they are. They don't answer. You wander over to St. Mark's and into Tompkins. You see the crusties and the Vietname vets. You sit down on a bench. You end your past life. This makes me think of this girl I knew Devon, who was kicked out of her house last spring and had to stay in a park for 2 nights. On the third night her friend found her and took her home. She then spent the next few weeks moving from friend's house to friend's house. It was all because she got a B on a test or something. Her dad, a pot dealer, is apparently a stickler for grades (the irony of the century). She's a cool kid, and he let her back into the house in the end of August.

I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to guitar lessons, I want to get high and sleep. Rinse, repeat. I know it's just the absence of drugs that is the cause of these feelings. They just feel overwhelming, I just don't see any point right now. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow has to be better.

Pulling a "Sicky"

Okay, so here is what I am thinking about on my day home from school: A) I need to finish my homework, B) I need to get better, and C) I need to get my life more in order. My biggest problem is that I need to figure out which path I want to take. If I'm going to care then I have to get myself cleaner. I don't need to quit completely, just get my life in a more orderly way. I feel like the whole idea of getting clean is really something that I'm always hearing other people say, and I feel like I should have some big goal. But I don't. I don't have any desire to get clean, if anything I would rather use more. I like being high, I'd rather be high. I feel better about everything, I know that's not a good reason, but does there have to be a reason. As Scott Frank says, "Why care?" (that's an approximation, I can't find the exact quote). I don't care. I don't think there is really anything I'm going to gain from getting clean. That's the problem, I'm not gaining anything, maybe a bit less worry. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment, I just don't see the point in getting clean because there doesn't appear to be any large benefit. The only obvious one is that I think I'm worrying Tanzen. She hasn't said it in that many words, but she seems to be very circumspect about my present circumstances. I feel bad about maybe giving her something to worry about, I figure I'll shut up the next few months and then she'll chill.

I guess my biggest crossroads, is whether to stay on the straight and narrow path off to college and being studious. Or to just not give a shit anymore. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do next summer. I have a feeling that it will be a defining factor in my life. We're all discussing big plans and everything else, but I wonder if we will all end up picking our paths right then. We're talking about maybe getting an apartment in the village or maybe going to Dublin. Some many options...

In completely other and more uplifting news: I'm reading this book called "Brass" by Helen Walsh, which about this girl Millie whose at Uni in London. She can make this decision to either continue on her path of over drinking, over drugging, over prostitute seeking (she's a lesb'in), and under achieving. Or actually getting her shit together and graduating college. Holy fuck, remind you of anyone, besides the drinking, the lesbianism, the prostitutes, and the under achieving. It's not so bad, not amazing either, but oh well. It's an okay drug book, mostly coke and e. She's kinda dumbass, but it's at least mostly entertaining. I've got about 50 pages left to read, so I may finish it today if I have the time.

I had a dream last night that my family found my stash. A few nights ago I had a dream that my parents were sending me to 'hab, which apparently was hilarious (during the dream I couldn't figure out why it was so funny). I hate them, they are so vivid and scary. 

I think I'm going to make a posting of my favorite drug books, because I have read a number and some are excellent. I probably shouldn't be focusing on drugs, I should be focusing on Latin or Environmental Sciences.

Go Nowhere

I'm going to puke man. Oh fuck, this is going to suck. They're both staring at me in the subway station You don't look too good, Lucy. I try to put on a smile, I give Ned a hug and then Tanzen and I wander back to her house. The show had wiped me out. It was incredible though. USA and Reagan Youth put all of us in a frenzy, just elbowing each other and trying as hard as we could to get everything out of us. I talked to some people I'd seen at other shows, and my friends and I goofed around as per our usual. Reagan Youth, Endangered Feces, and Aggressive Force were the best of the night, APPLE was obviously good, but just kinda weird. Common Enemy wasn't really good, they kinda sounded like the killing a cat and not in a fun kinda way. I thought I was going to puke, crap myself, or faint a few times, more than I would like, but I just tried to push that to the back of my mind and have a good time.

Today Tanzen and I woke up early and got into the village by 12. We wandered down St. Mark's and over to Tompkins. We wandered around and I scouted out the people, trying to piece together the scene. We ended up sitting down two benches away from a homeless guy, and this other one pulled up named Tommy. He started to talk to us, he was a Vietnam vet and he had a brand new bike that he got for $20. It was really nice. He said, "Do you wanna take it for a spin?" Are you serious? "Yeah." I stood up and he let me put my hands on the handle bars. Thanks. "Well, you don't look like a heroin addict or a bike thief, so it's cool." Well, I'm not a bike thief. And I rode off and went around this fenced in area, with a big grin plastered across my face. It was so much fun. I felt like a little kid. It was so much fun. I got off and my hands started to shake, I guess it was an adrenaline rush or something. A few minutes later Tanzen and I wandered off to the subway where we said our goodbyes. I got to 34th and 6 ave and I had to sprint to catch the train in 3 minutes. 'Twas not pleasant 'tall.

Now I'm home and I'm planing on doing all my homework for tomorrow and then passing out. I feel like shit, I'm thinking about maybe staying home tomorrow if I still feel this shitty and not doing anything. I don't really feel like having a guitar lesson tomorrow, I may just cancel it and postpone them until like the second half of the year. The mood I'm in just says, "I don't want to go to lessons." I see myself in the mirror right now and I look dirty. My hair is gross and my face is caked in dried sweat and water. I need a shower, a nap, and a hit. I think I might like try and get myself clean, or at least cleaner. I need to work on this bullshit, I don't see the point, but I guess I should, right. That's what everyone seems to always be saying.

My computer is being spastic, but you should listen to the song "I Don't Care" by Black Flag. It's funny as hell and awesome, no duh, it's BLACK FLAG! = )

Bored of Television

MUSIC AND COMICS:

The Methadones keep telling me, "I'm bored of television, but I'm always keeping it on." I smile. It's a good song. It came on this compilation that came with this comic book I got in Chicago. The comic is a classic punk-stoner-mid-20s dude one, which are my favorites (haha). I keep thinking about how the compilation comic I'm in will be out in November, I can't wait. It's kinda weird to think about, but it's awesome. None of my friends are really psyched about it, but I'm so excited. I really wish I knew some zines where the writers didn't already do all the comics. I've been working on one about a guy who works at the Gap and, in an attempt to stick it to the man, begins to remove the body parts of some of the customers while working in the fitting room. He then sells their body parts to different stores to use as mannequin parts. I think I've already talked about it, I have the first 4 boxes done, but I think it will take probably 16 boxes in total. That seems like a good number, something that would make a long enough story.

DISBELIEF AND SICKNESS:

I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of summer, it's making me feel almost sick. There's been a weird haze hanging over me for the past few days, I've been dizzy, hot, tired, and just feeling out of it. It's a weird state, something that I would attribute to being high if I wasn't stone cold sober the times that it occurs. It makes me nervous because being all wobbly is only going to make people suspicious, which is all I need.

GROWING UP AND WHO I AM:

I don't even want to think about school, I've been trying to do all the work for it, but I've had trouble concentrating. I can't believe I'm starting senior year. That's crazy. I'm turning 18 in 6 months which is even crazier. I know how dumb both of those things sound, it just doesn't seem like I'm that old. I definitely don't feel 17, I feel like so much younger. I don't want to grow up, I want to be a teenager forever. The only thing good about growing up is moving out and having some privacy and freedom. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions: one to college and success, and the other anywhere wherever I want, not caring about what's going to happen. I can't reconcile the two, it's really bothering me. I know I'm going to end up in college, it's set up and fixed, it's like a giant boulder on the path. In some ways I think of the song "16" by Green Day, "I wish my youth would last forever, why are these times so unfair?" It's corny, I know that, but I guess I just feel like I don't want to be expected to be all together and set like adults are supposed to be. The more and more I see the more and more disillusioned I feel. Every adult I meet seems worse and worse off than the first one and I can't reconcile it with how they are "supposed" to be. People keep telling me what I am and what I'm not. "You look like a punk." "You're a stoner." "You're a nerd." All these people want to label me, well I'm way more than a fucking label. I'm a typhoon that's going to kick the shit out of you unless you back off. I'm the kid who walks into school everyday just praying that you're going to pick a fight because all I want to do is punch something, anything, and your face will do just fine. I'm the kid who you push on the stairs who is going to push you harder, and when you ask why, I'm just going to chuckle. I'm the kid at the show who knows the band, who has patches on the table that the band is selling. I'm the one at the front of the stage who the singer is poking in the head. I'm the kid who you tell your friends about and suddenly I'm meeting people who all know my name. I'm the kid who you have no idea where I'm from but you assume I'm a local. And you know what, I fucking love who I am. That's what I've come to realize, there is nothing I want to change about myself. All of my mistakes are my own and any shit that I get into I will have to face, I can't deny it and I can't change it. Everyone else want's to deny who they are and they want pretend they are someone else, but I see through most of them and that's what makes me angry. I hate all of these phonies that I have to deal with day to day. I can see most people's true colors and I usually see things that I hate. Sure, sometimes I'm weak, sometimes I get sad, but I know that and I own that. In some ways, I'm excited about school, I love dealing with everyone. Alone my emotions are so boring, there is no one to combat them, no one to alleviate them or make them worse. I love school because it brings out happiness, love, humor, anger, pain, it brings out everything. I love school because with human interaction you figure out your true character, it forces you to change and do things you can't do alone. I love school because it is so entertaining, I hate the boredom, but I love all the emotions that it brings into me. I love feeling things; for 7 hours a day I have no reprieve and everything is more real.

TODAY (NYC AND AT HOME):

Today was a good day. I had to wake up early which was horrible. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. My mother and I loaded into the car and we drove off to NYC. I love the drive and I know all the sights by heart. Slowly as we approach you see the entire New York skyline and I can just feel all the possibilities spread out before me. That is why most people will tell you they love New York, it has every possibility you could want, all you need is a way to find it. As I drove past I wondered how many people were taking their morning shots, it was 7:45. We finally got there around 9:15, right in time for my doctor appointment. We discussed my knee and all the regular crap. I have to have a blood test, which always makes me nervous. I'm worried that my parents are going to sneak a drug test in there (I'm convinced that they would take such pleasure in that, sadistic freaks). We were done by 9:35 and driving out of the city. The drive back is even better, we drive back on the West Side, which is truly beautiful. I've always enjoyed sitting the passenger seat, alone with my music. I got home around 12 and slept until 3, at which point my neighbor Katie came over.  I've known Katie since we were children and we're almost like sisters. We sat around and hung out as always, Katie says something strange, I say something back, she miss hears me, I correct her, we both laugh; it's a time tested method of communicating between two insane people. It's always fun, though occasionally it really tries my patience. Katie and I are like two really insane old ladies. She made me watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager," which I was hoping I was going to hate. But, I have to admit that it wasn't horrible. Now I'm watching the Cleaner, which is, as it is every week, so good. Haha, this week it's about a high school student (a senior) who is addicted to heroin. I think I'm going to watch it again in the next hour. The pills are starting to kick in and I'm starting to feel better.

SLEEP AND PARANOIA:

I'm having some problems with sleep. I get in bed at 11 and I can't fall asleep until 1:30, it's driving me up a wall. I just wish that I could be like normal people and get in bed and fall asleep. My mom and I were just discussing this. We were talking and she was staring into my eyes and I was freaking out. My brain is screaming, "SHE KNOWS SHE KNOWS SHE KNOWS ABORT ABORT ABORT GET OUT OF THE ROOM." I keep talking to her and slowly I back up into the hallway where the light is off. I get into my room and shut the door. I stare at my eyes in the mirror. My pupils are fine, I look gross and dirty, but not obviously high. Ugh, paranoia probably helping my sleeping either.

CONCLUSION:

Anyway, I hope everyone else is feeling great and is sleeping better than me.

THE METHADONES, "BORED OF TELEVISION":

Lyrica + Peeps = how to fuck yourself up

Whoever thought that Lyrica is a fun drug, is seriously on drugs (haha, obviously). It took about 4 hours to kick in, but when it kicked in, it kicked in. The room was rotating, and I had to stumble down the hallway to the bathroom and then to the kitchen, which wasn't very pleasant. I decided that, if I'm going to feel this fucked up, I might as well have a soundtrack to it. I listened to the Germs for a bit, which was kinda nice (I'm not such a giant fan of the Germs, but I like some of their stuff). When I finally turned out the light and went to bed, I was hit with really bad night-blindness (as if there's a really nice version). So, now everything is dark, and I'm really dizzy, and when I turn over the room feels like it's spinning around me: it was a bit unpleasant. I attempted to calm myself down and remind myself that soon I would be asleep and it would be fine. I passed out and woke up at 10:26 with my phone vibrating violently. Alexis had texted me to tell me that she was sorry that she had just seen my text about the Rocky Horror Picture Show (none of my friend's were allowed to go, so I figured that we would all just see it next month). I was still really fucked up, so I decided to go back to sleep. When I finally woke up it was 12:56, I didn't feel like moving. The room was still twisting beneath me. After a few minutes of debating, I quietly got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were like giant black holes, so I knew that I couldn't go and see my rents (they love to threaten me with drug tests every chance they get, so I try to avoid them when I'm obviously fucked up). I laid back down and waited for a half an hour, when I finally got up and stumbled back to the mirror. Although I still felt like shit, my eyes were now back to normal (I don't know what miracle occurred there). I've felt pretty fucked up all day, but I guess that's what I get for being a dumbass. I just finished cleaning my bathroom and I'm washing my sheets, but I think I'm going to take a nap. Haha, I'm still so tired, it's not even funny. The way it feels at the moment reminds me of getting really high, sitting on my bed, and the only way that I could keep myself from puking my guts out was to lean my head against the wall and keep still.

I feel like puking is so normal to me now, that it really doesn't bother me. Usually it's my fault for being dumb. The last 3 times I've taken Ambien I've puked my guts out (one of those times I puked twice, and two of those times involved Peeps, maybe there's a connection there). I remember the first time I had withdrawals, I took Ambien the third night, to finally get to sleep. The next morning I woke up around 6 a.m. and decided that I should just take some oxycodone and stop this bullshit. For the first two hours after taking it, I was totally cool, I had taken it with cranberry juice (which is very acidic). After about 2 and a half hours I'm puking up cranberry juice into a garbage bag. It was so painful, because it was my stomach acids plus the cranberry juice. Besides that time, all the times I've puked, although they have been annoying, have never really bothered me. Mostly because I'm high, so nothing really bothers me. Puking peeps is a weird experience because they are still marshmallowy and soft. I remember, still being very high after puking into a ziploc bag (only thing I could find), and kinda playing with my marshmallow vomit (as I said, I was very high) by squeezing the bag, it was pretty entertaining.

Okay, so enough of this gross puking conversation, I'll just leave you be, hopefully I can come back and say more interesting things when I'm not about to fall off my own bed. = )

For your own viewing pleasure I feel like posting my favorite scene from SLC Punk, because I love that movie... haha, I don't care what people say about it, it is an awesome movie. = )