Pulling a "Sicky"

Okay, so here is what I am thinking about on my day home from school: A) I need to finish my homework, B) I need to get better, and C) I need to get my life more in order. My biggest problem is that I need to figure out which path I want to take. If I'm going to care then I have to get myself cleaner. I don't need to quit completely, just get my life in a more orderly way. I feel like the whole idea of getting clean is really something that I'm always hearing other people say, and I feel like I should have some big goal. But I don't. I don't have any desire to get clean, if anything I would rather use more. I like being high, I'd rather be high. I feel better about everything, I know that's not a good reason, but does there have to be a reason. As Scott Frank says, "Why care?" (that's an approximation, I can't find the exact quote). I don't care. I don't think there is really anything I'm going to gain from getting clean. That's the problem, I'm not gaining anything, maybe a bit less worry. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment, I just don't see the point in getting clean because there doesn't appear to be any large benefit. The only obvious one is that I think I'm worrying Tanzen. She hasn't said it in that many words, but she seems to be very circumspect about my present circumstances. I feel bad about maybe giving her something to worry about, I figure I'll shut up the next few months and then she'll chill.

I guess my biggest crossroads, is whether to stay on the straight and narrow path off to college and being studious. Or to just not give a shit anymore. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do next summer. I have a feeling that it will be a defining factor in my life. We're all discussing big plans and everything else, but I wonder if we will all end up picking our paths right then. We're talking about maybe getting an apartment in the village or maybe going to Dublin. Some many options...

In completely other and more uplifting news: I'm reading this book called "Brass" by Helen Walsh, which about this girl Millie whose at Uni in London. She can make this decision to either continue on her path of over drinking, over drugging, over prostitute seeking (she's a lesb'in), and under achieving. Or actually getting her shit together and graduating college. Holy fuck, remind you of anyone, besides the drinking, the lesbianism, the prostitutes, and the under achieving. It's not so bad, not amazing either, but oh well. It's an okay drug book, mostly coke and e. She's kinda dumbass, but it's at least mostly entertaining. I've got about 50 pages left to read, so I may finish it today if I have the time.

I had a dream last night that my family found my stash. A few nights ago I had a dream that my parents were sending me to 'hab, which apparently was hilarious (during the dream I couldn't figure out why it was so funny). I hate them, they are so vivid and scary. 

I think I'm going to make a posting of my favorite drug books, because I have read a number and some are excellent. I probably shouldn't be focusing on drugs, I should be focusing on Latin or Environmental Sciences.