Ca plan pour moi

I knew that if I said it to her she wouldn't come over. Can we just stay in the house? I'm tired. "Okay, I'll be there in a bit." She never showed up. She texts me a little later, "I'm not going to make it. Thanks for inviting me man." It freaked me out. She earlier told me that she was "in a bad way." Whenever I say "I'm in a bad way" then it's usually drug shit. It means that I'm fucked up, really really fucked up. Like when I took that lyrica shit, I was in a bad way. To me a bad way is almost always physical. I worry about Lauren. She's very very very depressed, her parents are alcoholics, and she's become a giant stoner. She said she was in her car a 2 minute drive from her house. I hope she's okay. I hope she's not really in trouble. I texted her later that she was freaking me out because she is, but she never responded. I hate dealing with this shit. Now I'm worried about her. I really wonder what's going on, probably her rents were fighting so she split. She does that pretty often, usually she calls Nina, so I was surprised when she called me. I'm not her "go to person" like Nina is, so Nina probably went over and got her. My thought is that A) she split because her parents were fighting, or B) she's really thinking about offing herself... I'm going to guess A just because it happens really often. I wonder if it's somehow related to coping some drug. Fuck, well, I can't do anything about it now, so I'll just wait to find out.

I think that I'm definitely going to this exchange in the les when I go to the city next weekend. It's for youth, so you have to be under 24 to go to the place. It's for homeless youth and youth involved with the streets (haha, well, I walk on the streets.... apparently drug use is related to being involved with the streets, so I guess I'm included, or something like that). I'm kinda wondering what it will be like, but I feel like they'll probably be nice to me and not treat me like shit if I go there. The idea of exchanges kinda freaks me out in general, I don't know, I guess I'm worried about A) cops, B) them giving me a hard time (I guess that makes me no sense, the whole point is to help, right? though a whole lotta people say they want to help but they just try to fuck you over), or C) them turning me away or making me do something I don't want to do (I don't know, they make me suspicious). Tanzen should be thinking "what the fuck" when we go there, but I have a feeling she'll think this is really cool (or some other shit). I guess I'm exploiting that factor in Tanzen because she listens to me talk about all my junky shit and will still be friends with me.  Haha, something about it evokes that whole sense in me that enjoys a good adventure, especially ones that include my favorite things. Also, nothing really bad could happen, I mean, sure, I could get turned away, but beyond that I think it will be okay.

Tomorrow I have to go to my doctor's house in uptown, which won't be fun. I have to wake up at 6:45, which sucks so much. I woke up at 12 today and I'm still tired. I have to do a lot of work for school, it starts on thursday (which is a horrible thought). I have 50 pages left to read, a book of poetry to read too, an essay to write, answer 2 questions, rearrange 18 questions (my friends and I are sharing answers), write an outline, and highlight a chapter. So much work, so little time. I'm going to try to do some of the bullshit on the train tomorrow. I can easily do all of it, I've just been super lazy. It's half I don't give a shit and half I would rather be high, and together they make me not want to do anything. I spend a good part of the time this week thinking about getting high, then getting high, then thinking about how dumb that was, then getting high again, haha, then hanging out with people at which point we would get high. I think I've spent every night for the past week high, and I've changed it up, which is surprising (if it was all the same thing it wouldn't be so surprising). Maybe I need to relax and focus on something else for a while. = )

I just found out Lauren is fine, guess who was there? Nina. Nina came and got her. As I said, I could bet my life on it, Nina is always there to pick Lauren up when she's "in a bad way." I'm so not surprised that I'm almost annoyed. I'm kinda glad that Nina cleans up all of those messes because Lauren is such a handful (haha, she's a mucky pup). I would deal with it if she wanted my help, but she never does. The last time I had to deal with this was in May or June and she was high. We're all stoned out of our heads and she's talking about killing herself to Nina and I. Nina takes the lead and I'm just standing there not sure what the fuck I'm supposed to do. It's just always been really stressful. I love the kid, but it's hard to talk someone down, never one of the things I've enjoyed. 

Anyway, I should be heading off to bed. This post has been pretty boring for everyone else I'm sure, so I'll end it now...

BTW, I think "ca plan pour moi" roughly translates into "it's gliding for me" which really means "being high works for me." = ) 

It's a good song, it's in French, which kinda sucks, but that's okay. It's by Plastic Bertrand.