Being a junky in high school is like going through a mind fuck everyday. So, not only do you hate yourself because all teenagers do, all you can think about is drugs. I hate myself, I hate my teachers, I hate dumb assignments and tests, and all I want to do is get high. I remember I used to watch the clock ticking down the seconds. That sick feeling in my gut, screaming for the bell to ring. Sitting on top of the toilet lid in the dark bathroom. Prepping the shot, cooking and thinking nothing. All thoughts are about the drug, the arm, the needle. You stare at your arm and pull white from blue, it becomes a map towards a high. I miss those days. I miss the purpose I felt knowing that every action was leading up to a goal. Biting into leather and seeing the teethmarks appearing. White crust of saliva from the previous days, on a black belt. I remember shooting blood on the ceiling, dropping a blood filled spoon on the carpet. I remember crying when unable to hit a vein anywhere. That's what I remember most. I remember the sadness without a hit. I miss it, I mourn it, every time I get high now I think about iving. It's weird, for months and months I didn't even care, didn't think about the needle. Now it's all flooded back. I want to get high. I need to get high. I don't care about all the 90s I've gotten on tests, how happy I feel after that, I need drugs. I like drugs. Because I think too much without drugs, my mind is off in outerspace freaking out. My mind needs downers.
Anyway... today was okay. I have 3 tests tomorrow and homework, so I'm going to go study and work and not get high.
BTW, everytime I want to get high now and I can't I just eat. I'm "stuffing my feelings" with food, but if it gets my cravings to chill then I'm cool. Also, apparently the biggest druggy I know has been clean for 3 months, which is depressing. Now how can I make fun of her??? = P
Catch ya on the flipside! = )
5 comments:
Ah sweetheart, I feel your pain. I compensate with food too. When I first got here I kicked and then promptly began to devour everything in sight! I stopped when Casey casually mentioned that he always wanted a girlfriend with 'big fat ghetto booty'. I think he was serious but I liked my ass the way it was.
Don't sweat those feelings too much,they do go away...eventually, you just have to wait it out. That's the hardest part but you know 'first thing you learn is that you always gotta wait' isn't exclusive to drugs, it applies to just about everything, even sobriety.
Don't you feel totally at odds with so many of the other students, having a taste for the "B", "H"/whatever they call it. What DO you call it when you call a dealer? Or do heroin dealers only sell heroin so you don't specify? We would say "2B, 1dubs." Dubs is for W= white= crack. B=brown=heroin. Our dealers only sell these 2. Occasionally "green" which is "da erb"
ps re food I gotta hellish Chinese (takeaway) craving the other day. It had to be indulged. Chicken curry mixed vegetable fried rice. I gotta real thing about Chinese curry. Bear in mind (Indian) curries are often named the national dish here... v fragrant and herbal as well as spicey lots of corriander. But the Chinese curry is irreplacable. Up and down the country, Chinese curry sauce is practically the same. I try to get the secret recipe but it's still a cypher!
you know heroin simplifies life into whether you have it/whether you don't and how to get it; that's why it's so very dangerous. so very hard to get any living colour back after existence becomes that black-&-white...
Yeah... I feel like I'm really negative in my blog, but like in regular life I'm not. Yeah, I'm working on the whole food thing, the book I'm reading, although very comical and fictional, has a good point when it says, "eat when you feel hungry, sleep when you feel tired." If I do either one I usually feel better afterwards. Yeah... waiting, I never was good at that. I figure the more time I give it the less I'll want. I have 6 small hits (or 3 nice hits) left though, so I'm just kinda saving up.
Haha, even though I don't know Casey, I could imagine that conversation.
We call it H. My experiences with heroin have been very few, but when it was procured it was always by other people. Around here most people say Gs or Dubs, as in 1 gram, which is usually $20, that goes for most drugs though. Everyone I know who has got heroin is either A) in rehab, B) in college, or C) I have no idea. That's the thing, no friends with no contacts = no H. Hence the whole, I definitely need to get to work on making contacts.
FOOD! Haha, Chinese food is pretty beast. Personally, I like mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, fries, and Coke (the drink, not the drug). What I always crave is Japanese food! Chicken Sukiyaki is this stew, which is the most amazing thing I have ever eaten. It's just like $15 and it can last for about 3 meals... Darn it Gleds, now I wanna go buy food. = P
Post a Comment