Drink Drank Punk

So... I couldn't sleep. Wow. Not really a surprise. Thought about taking some benzos to get me off to sleep, but I think it's all bad. I'm going to stay away from all of that shit for as long as I can, or unless this insomnia thing gets way out of hand. It's annoying as fuck.

Last night, I was puking my guts out on the pavement of Tompkins Square Park. I've been sick there once before, but that was 2 years ago. I was lying down, my other wasted friend Steven was flicking water on my face, keeping me awake, making sure I didn't pass out. Excessive alcohol consumption + caffeine + 110 degree weather = lots of puking. The first time I puked I was half laying down on the ground, the second time I was sitting up on a bench, and ended up puking on my boots. Nasty nasty stuff. My friend Milo was kind enough to get me to the subway and buy me a ride. I don't like drinking. Milo and I both have done a lot of drugs, I was (I'm pretty sure) yelling at him about how I hate alcohol and how I'd rather just get fucked up if I'm gonna be puking like this, etc. etc.. I think I was also harassing hipsters as we walked ot the subway. A water covered, vomit smelling, drunk punk kid being held up by her much larger, biker/GG Allin looking friend--we must have been some sight. Haha, but it was all in good fun. I've felt like shit all day, but i don't know I'm feeling a bit happier right now. I was down like an hour ago, but I think my mood has leveled off.

I got into Trash Bar this week to perform as well. It's this obscenely difficult to get into bar that hosts a lot of punk show, and being my 19 year old self, I was a tad concerned if I would REALLY get in. But my bf's band gave me stuff to carry, so that got me in the door. Once I was in the backroom where the stage was, it was super dark and I figured I was finally in the clear. Then some guy came up, one of the workers who checks ID. He asked us all to show him our IDs, and I was like: FUCK. I pretended to look for my wallet in my bag and calmly stated to my bf P that I must have left it at his house. The man then started shining hte light in my face, and asked me how old I am. It went down something like this:

Him (standing over me with a flashlight): How old are you?

(shines light on my face)

Me (bending over my bag, stand up): I'm 23.

(He continues to shine the light in my face)

Me (sticking out my tongue and opening my mouth wide): I feel like I'm at a Dr. appointment. How does my throat look?

He then laughed and stamped my hand. And history was made. In my mind.

Anyway, I'm going to try out this whole sleeping thing. Here's a poem I wrote tonight. It's terrible. Enjoy!

Another junky-child asleep on the asphalt

I could hear her shrill silent scream

It left the air empty

Like the dry heat of summer

I curled up in a ball beside her

The shallow moonlight lit the gray tracks of tears on the sheets

My loneliness played across the room

I tried to remember why Paris always seemed better at night

But then I let out another silent scream

For relief of this yearning

The deep-seated, empty belly syndrome

That left us on our knees every night

Praying at that empty altar

Waiting for a moment

Of pure silence

After the sermon had stopped

I found myself surrounded

By these thoughts

Too numerous to stop

The rambling of an amphetamine brain

But without the amphetamine

Tears seemed to fall slowly

Rolling down as if to savor the moment

That feeling of pure desire

The roll and ebb

Flowing up and down my spinal chord

Playing my body like a harp

And leaving my brain to reel

Now there is no scream

Just silence

An empty mind

Which now only simmers.

To be Young (Is to be sad, Is to be high)

I turned off all the lights. The only light was from the computer and the TV--of course on mute.

"To Be Young" is the only sound. Running my fingers through my hair, I turned on the light.

I usually get high at night. In fact, I really only get high in the evening/night. I like the alone time, in the darkness, no one there to bother me. That is the one bad thing about me and like speed because damn, it is stupid to do speed in the evening. It wasn't the clean all night feeling I got from E, it felt dirty. I felt the sweat pouring off my body noticeably. Now obviously, my speed is a lot less combinations of drugs than E. But still, that's uncomfortable.

Honestly, I know why I'm getting high tonight. It's because I just have been seriously hating myself for the past few days. I feel like my self-loathing creeping up my back, over my shoulder, and around my neck. Today's started with the fact that, honestly, P does not fuck me as much as I would like. Perhaps it the age difference? Perhaps he doesn't think I want to? But, it makes you feel like a royal asshole trying to lead someone on, and they are unresponsive. We only fucked like TWICE. GODDAMNIT, I AM 19, THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. Haha, seriously though, now I have to like talk to him about it, which is fine, it's not that big a deal, but still kind of sucks. And then he kind of nicely hinted that he wanted me to leave. Granted, I did spend the night and stayed at his place until like 6 or so the next day. He is my boyfriend, and he does have to go to bed early since he does go to work at 3 am, and I'm sure he just wanted some time alone before he went to sleep... yeah, alright. So, that actually makes sense. I just don't want to feel like I'm somehow hassling him with my presence. I don't know. We're hanging out on Friday. Whatever. I still feel shitty. I will feel the same when whatever I decide to pop wears off. And now maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go to sleep. It's more of a thing taking them the actual effects of the drug.

Well, I'm going to go decide and either way just lie down.

Goodnight...

- Lucy

I'm Not Down! (the song/lyrics... because it's awesome!)

If it's true a rich man leads a sad life
That's what they say, from day to day
Then what do the poor do with their lives?
On judgment day, with nothin' to say?

I've been beat up, I've been thrown Out
But I'm not down, Oh I'm not down
I've been shown up, but I've grown up
And I'm not down, Oh I'm not down

On my own I faced a gang of jeering
In strange streets
When my nerves were pumping out
I Fought my fear in, I didn't run
I was not done

I've been beat up, I've been thrown Out
But I'm not down, No I'm not down
I've been shown up, but I've grown up
And I'm not down, No I'm not down

So I have lived, that kind of day
When none of your sorrows will go away
Go down and down and hit the floor
Down and down and down some more
Depression
But I know, there'll be some way
When I can swing everything back my way
Like skyscrapers, rising up
Floor by floor, I'm not giving up

So you rock around and think that
You're the toughest
In the world, the whole wide world
But you're streets away from where
It gets the roughest
You ain't been there

Haha, it's like my song of the moment, I just keep listening to it. = )

DINOSAUR RAP (this song is amazing!)

I totally forgot about this video, but it is amazing.

Lauren sent it to me last night, and it's just so fucking catchy I had to post it.

Oh man, it's amazing. I love it! Hope it gives you guys a good laugh.

Give me the cure...

I've been home all day... my arthritis was so bad this morning and I decided to say fuck it, and after a few dirty looks from my mother and enough guilt to last me a few hours, I went back to bed. I exchanged the DC skate pants I had been wearing for my jammies, and headed to bed still wearing the pink dress that I like wearing over pants. And here I am, still in the pj bottoms and dress, with an ancient hoodie (I've had this shit since like 7th or 8th grade, haha). Well, after really waking up around 9:30 and finding myself in need of something a bit stronger than two tylenol (I don't know how normal people use that shit to ease their pain, I took some of the extra strength and I still felt like crap), I popped a few hydros and lounged around watching TV. My arthritis hasn't been this bad in my back in... well, honestly, it's never been this bad for this many days in a row. I've been trying to not play guitar and watch too much TV, instead of finishing up this book. I've only read like 60 pages, and I have 50 pages to go. The test I was supposed to take was moved to monday at lunch (THANK GOD, I WAS GONNA FAIL THAT SHIT). I'm hoping that my mom makes burritos for dinner... she let me and my dad pick, and he let me pick. I was really nice to him today, I was just too high and too out of it to care. The dog peed in the living room for no reason, so that was bad. It means that I lit a bunch of weird scents of incense (which was a recipe for disaster, yet I still did it), and now my  room is kind of irritating my throat and nose... yeah, I don't know why I did that... I lit the really odd strawberry incense that I got in Austin... it smells like shit, and yet I lit it... Haha, obviously, my mind was not completely thinking.

I kind of bitched out Zack last night, for no reason. But, I apologized, and he was still sweet as can be... I don't understand it. Haha, he's too good to me. Nina R was saying that he thinks so highly of me and not to blow it, etc. Which I thought about today, its one of the reasons I'm not honest with him about a lot of shit, because I feel like he thinks of me in a way that I don't want to lose. I say that I love Zack. I love him as a friend, and I couldn't ask for more in a boyfriend or any man. I guess, I don't know if I really "love him" though. He's just perfect, and I don't know what to think about it. Well, either way, I'm glad that he's mine. He's a great guy.

I'm going to go back to reading and listening to Fugazi...

I guess the reason that I fell in love with this song was because I discovered it after having arthritis for 2 years. As a 13 year old kid, I was angry and I didn't know why mostly. I knew that I was pissed that I wasn't normal, and that no one understood that. I knew that I was pissed at my father on some level, for making my mother be depressed. I knew that I was pissed because I felt like compared to all the money in the world, to me, I didn't mean shit to my dad. I guess that anger never really left and thats why this song is one of my favorites. Probably my favorite song ever.

I'm actually in a pretty good mood.

Have a good night guys!

- Lucy <3

"Lucy B. is better than Robert Frost"

That was the title under one of the photos from the show Saturday night. It was one of the greatest show's I've ever been to. It's was in a small record shop, packed to the brim. I got there around 2:15 and talked to Matt (a friend of mine, and the lead guitarist of the headlining band). He requested that I play my hit single "Jacob's Dad." Figuring that I would be up for it, I agreed to it, especially because I knew that most people I knew really loved the song. Tanzen get's there and, as we are want to do, walked down the street to mix our two big bottle of cranberry-vodka. Well, needless to say, but 3:30 in the afternoon I was buzzed. At 4:30, after two bands and two poems, we had finished one and decided to go pick up some water and pretzels and to rest our stomach's for an hour. Why? I don't know. I knew that at the time if I continued to drink at that pace I would be a wreck by the end of the night. Anyway, the place gets more packed, more great bands play, and I'm greeting everyone I know, handing out chap books (I should have made way more) and drinking. Well, as it says on the back of my chap book: "If you see her, buy her a beer." Some woman did just that, and the other adults that knew me gave me parts of their beers, or gave me whole beers. I finished the next bottle of cranberry-vodka and took sips from other people's drinks, and passed on a medium beer (not a tall boy, and not a regular size... what's that called? Because I like those and I don't know the name for it) and a regular sized one to my friends (one was a nasty yellow canned one, and the other was, my personal fav, PBR = ). My friends were appreciative. Needless to say, when I went up to play my song, I was drunk and so were most of the audience. Although I messed it up a lot, everyone found it funny, and we had a good time with it! Haha, I'm so ridiculous. I basically spent 8 hours of saturday drunk. I talked to a few people who I find really cute who I've only oggled from afar (like... METAL CHRIS... oh, he's sooooo fine, and E-arly... two HOT guys) and I almost talked to Pat from Reagan Youth, but mostly just stood next to Papa Jay and listened to them talk (I really did feel like his kid at that moment). We then, Jay, Sarah (his GF), and I, went to a diner. The first one was closed, but the second one was open and during this time my parents were frantically calling my cell phone, which I was too drunk to realize was vibrating. After some damage control, and some sobering up, I was back on the train home to NJ. I did see my crew's arch-nemesis there. She was supposed to jump us or some shit, but she was very "buddy-buddy" to me. I figure it's like this: you don't jump someone who everyone in the room was just applauding and talking to. I'm kind of becoming the darling of the scene? Haha, at least, that's what I hope. = ) I love all the adults there, they're so cool and always telling me how great I am or giving me shirts or CDs (not that most bands don't do it) or beers. It's just too much fun!

I'm doing well in school. Making the grades and working hard. My lowest grade is in English, I have an 84 and I only got a 77 on the midterm... I was tied with someone else for lowest midterm grade in the class. 

Anyway, everything else is good. I'm going to upload some pics from the show to show you guys my classiness. = P

BTW, I figured I'd stick in a classy picture of me and the cranberry juice. The girl with the pigtails beside me is Tanzen... WE HOT. = P

So, yeah, now I'm off to orchestra pit practice. I hope y'all enjoy my stellar photos!

The show was amazing! Great bands! Great people! Just an all around blast! My b-day show is at the same place, sadly MDC is playing somewhere else that same day, so I'm hoping that people show up! = )

Check ya later!

- Lucy B.

Saturday Night

Tonight's my friend's 18th birthday party. I'm pretty psyched for that, gonna get all dolled up as follows: black-pinuppy dress (as shown), black fishnets, and either my doc martens or my yellow heels. I'm excited, and am demanding that Zack where a white button down shirt (hey, if I'm going to look nice, then he better too...). Zack thinks my fishnets are really hot. Who doesn't? Haha, okay, so if you can't tell I'm in a weird mood. I do have something interesting to say... but I wonder how much you really wanna hear about me being a dumb teenager... well, I guess that's why people read my posts... okay, so I will give you the details without being too tasteless....

THIS NEXT PART OF THE POST IS LACIVIOUS AND VERY TASTELESS. IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE YOUR MIND NOT VERY DISTURBED (BECAUSE I'M A TEENAGER) BUT STILL SOMEWHAT DISTURBED, THEN DO NOT GO FORWARD AND HIGH TAIL IT BACK TO SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOG.

Last night, Zack and I were hanging out, being dumb as always. Anyway, as teenagers are want to do, we are just kind of joking around, and poking each other and shit, kind of wrestling (these are not sexual innuendos, seriously, if we were fucking I would have said it). I turn on the computer, and put on some Iggy Pop ("I Wanna Be Your Dog" and "Death Trip" are playing, those are the songs to think about). Anyway, I decide to go on iChat and talk to one of my friends. It's actually my friend who is really overprotective of me (in the space of a year and a half she has had sex with 13 guys, so I am looked at as a little innocent pup). We're sitting there video chatting with her, and I start to just kind of... hmm... how do I put this tastefully? I don't think I can... umm... rub his "pant-leg"... So, you all know what I mean. But, at the same time I'm having a conversation with her. You may all think that I'm a bit of a weirdo, but honeslty, it was kind of hot because we were talking to her at the same time, and she could only see like our faces. Zack was so pissed at me too, because after she signed off, I left him hard and then started to go do other shit. I kind of sang along to Iggy Pop and walked around my room, and then drove him home. As much as he was all "you're a cock tease blah blah blah" he didn't seem to mind. Am I a terrible person? No. Did I prove to him that I was in control? Yes. I like being in control, haha. A lot. Anyway, as I was prancing around my room picking up shit and finding my clothes for the party, he was watching me and told me how he thought my fishnets were really hot (my friend who I was iChatting with told me this previously). And at the end of the night I felt like I was a stellar teenager and... okay, this is going to sound lame, but I feel like everyone should have one astoundingly teenage moment, and that was mine. I kind of liked it because I knew that I shouldn't be iChatting, rubbing my boyfriend's dick, and listening to Iggy Pop all at the same time. 

The way I just wrote this does not really do it justice, ya know? I was actually quite hot, if I do say so myself. I would like to say something else, which happens to be exceedlingly tasteless, do you guys wanna read it? Okay, if you don't then skip to the next paragraph, but here it is: Zack has a big dick.

So, I feel kind of unclean for writing this all on here... but, I mean, you guys will find it entertaining... or awkward. Whichever way you feel, I mean, come on, you were all teenagers at some point. It makes me feel like a cliche saying this, but, this is how I imagined teenage punk love to be. And yes, it's really too much fun. = P

Well, after that lovely lacivious post, I'm going to go read some more "Pride and Prejudice."

Love ya guys,

- Lucy = )

I AM A BAMF

Okay, so, I am so fucking happy and shit... you don't even know right now...

Last night, Zack's aunt and cousin were off with relatives over night. So, being a 17 year old, I spent then night!!!! Now, me being me, as I told my friend who was "afraid for my vcard": my vcard is intact. Obviously, some shit happened, but you guys definitely don't want details. But, the night was just so much fun. Mostly, we just hang out, said dumb shit to one another, watched dumb tv shows. His mother called last night, she was really drunk. It took him like 40 minutes to get her off the phone as we walked around and I tried to stifle my laughter. The funniest thing was when she said to him: "Is your girlfriend there?" "Is Sarah there? Don't lie to me." And the second time he said yes sarcastically, and she said, "awww." Haha, I had to fucking run out of the room because i was dying. She also called him a cracker. I wore his clothes and shit when we went to bed. In the morning I made us eggs for breakfast, and we watched dumb shows on Lifetime.

One of the best quotes of the night was when he was like, I'll go sleep on the sofa, and I asked if he was afraid and he says: "I have no problem sleeping with you."

THE NIGHT BEFORE:

I got drunk and high after the Reagan Youth show. It was such a great show. I got thrown from the back to the front of the pit and just like being shoved everywhere. Pat kept letting me sing into the mic. I love seeing Reagan Youth because everyone gets so into it and everyone knows the words. There was this big skinhead with read hair who was obviously into me, and kept trying to hit on me. There were three kids who were obviously on speed, you should have seen them, haha. They were like rubbing their hair and their arms and fidgeting and talking at lightening speed. At first I only saw one and thought he just had problems, and then when I saw all three I realized they were high. Good times. Good bands. Good friends. Man, it was a great night. I have some really hardcore missing patches of skin on my arm (from getting dragged from the front of the pit into the floor of the circle pit. Like legit, and then people as they do, hoisted me up and I had to fight my way back to the standing pit.) I like circle pits, but I'm just no coordinated enough to fully enjoy them. Tanzen and I got back to her house and finished up this cranberry vodka we had. Then we smoked about 4 bowls in the park, and got back and tried to play cards (it was so retarded). So, I'm trying to quit because of the crying on the train last weekend and shit, but to no avail. No opiates though, since the 4th of January. Fuck. Well, I don't know. I hate weed. I'm just worried about getting drug tested and coming up positive for weed and getting in trouble because it would be such a waste.

Well, I wonder if I love Zack, I think I love him. I've decided to just take it one day at a time and not think about it.

Well, I love you guys!

- Lucy = )

Strange

I had a drug dream that I have to share with everyone, because it was THAT cracked out. Okay, so I'll start from the beginning. My friend Nina and I are walking from our first block class on the third floor, down to our homeroom on the second floor like every day. However, we take a different stairwell, anyway, we stop on the landing in between the two floors and these three Hispanic kids I recognize are standing there. Anyway, they have like a bowl of what looks to be powdered sugar (I mean, I'm always getting high off of baking goods... anyway). So, the main guy asks if he we want some "name that made no sense when I heard it." It was my minds attempt at a nick-name for a drug gone wrong, to the point where it was legit just sounds. Nina's eyes are kind of bugged out and dilated and a bit crossed. She's very gungho about it. Instead of having viles or tinfoil or baggies... No, it's this thing that looks like a tiny-fish bowl (about the size of a marble) with an opening at the top. They are using spoons the size of like barbie spoons to put the powder in there. BTW, it's supposed to be speed (haha, my dreams... REALLY REALISTIC... not). Okay, so suddenly I wanna say he's given it to Nina, or maybe it's while he's filling the "vile" and he says, "do you want a taste?" Nina  says no, and I look at her and say, "Yes?" So, I snort a little (mind you, I'm standing in a fucking stairwell in my school, which is apparently empty because everyone else is in homeroom). At first, I'm like, wow, nothing. AND THEN IT HITS ME. Suddenly, I feel like I've been hit in the face by a fucking roller coaster and my mind is flying. Nina and I then walk downstairs (some how she is also high). Anyway, we walk down to our homeroom and try to turn off all of the lights in the classroom because it is bothering our eyes. There's this machine in the front with all of these keys and knobs and shit and lights, which I am just so unable to turn off it's not funny. Anyway, I keep trying, to no avail. Finally, I wake up. It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I've been asleep for an hour and I'm fucking sweating because of how high the heat is in my house and the fact that I'm under a blanket. I crawl out and feel so gross and go do homework.

This is how my beginning to going straight is. Great. Fucking, great. Obviously, that's just all I need. Anyway, I'm doing good. Besides when I was about ready to fucking just shove anything into my body to get high on wednesday, lots of shit went down and it was terrible, but I refrained. = ) I don't know, today my friend was being very triumphant when she said she hadn't smoked weed in 3 days? or maybe it was since Sunday? (Obviously, I was paying a lot of attention...) Anyway, I kind of felt bad after just brushing it off like it was nothing. I remember last year when I was so fucking proud to have made it like 2 and a half weeks, and I told my friends and they were just like, "whatever" and it kind of ruined it for me. I'm feeling good about it. I'll just drink because I don't have enough opportunities to drink. I do occasionally feel like I do drink just to get fucked up. Bad Lucy. Bad... I don't know, after Tanzen saying the greatest thing ever: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality." How could I stop drinking? Haha, that's just like the greatest phrase of someone whose had a bit much to drink.

Tomorrows plan: finish off the stoli (I will not poor out fucking as much cranberry juice as last time...) and then go to the show. Enjoy Reagan Youth, then go to Tanzen's. Cut my hair at some point, watch SNL, hopefully eat some Life cereal, play guitar, etc. It'll be great. = )

I FINISHED APPLYING FOR COLLEGE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! = ) Basically, the greatest fear of my life is off of my shoulders. Now it's just up to admissions people, and they can do what they want. Hopefully, I get into to like 8 out of 12 (I know, I applied to way too many schools). Anyway, around April I'll tell y'all the good news. = )

I don't know, I'm tired. 

But I have a question:

Okay, so, with certain guys, I would kiss them and I would literally get weak in the knees. That doesn't happen with Zack. There's no fire there (besides us being two teenagers who like each other). In some ways, I feel like he's just more of a safe choice, rather than like the perfect guy for me. I wish there were more sparks, but it's cool. He's the kind of guy who we're kind of like a great couple, and we'll just work it out. (We put down the deposits on our room after prom, we're sharing a suite with my two good friends and their dates. It's an open room though, with a pull out couch, so it's like two beds and a pull out couch... ugh. AWKWARD. haha).

Should I worry if there are no sparks? That's my question. = )

Well, I'm off to sleep. Good night guys, love you all.

= )

Lucy

Death Trip

Ron Asheton died today.

Lead guitarist of the Stooges... One of the true founding bands of punk... Probably my favorite band of all time.

I feel really weird.

The drummer from No Place to Pissed also died today. All of these people and bands I know knew him.

I don't know what to say. Today's a weird day.

In memory of Ron Asheton, I will post my favorite song by the Stooges:

Bang a Gong

BTW, I forgot to say that I learned something new. I'm sure that most of you are familiar with the song "Bang a Gong" by T. Rex. As my cousin and I were driving through Austin, it came on the radio. The radio host then went on to say that "bang a gong" actually means to shoot up heroin. SCANDALOUS! What kind of terrible people would do such terrible thing? And who would write a song about it? I mean, gosh, I'm just so horrified.

Do you think that's what normal people think? I want to know. BTW, I'll post a video of the song if you don't know it, it's one of my favorites. It makes more sense now, I didn't understand why people were supposed to bang a gong and then fuck. = )

Sister Midnight

Instructions:

Step 1) Get yourself into that right kind of mood...
Step 2) Lay down somewhere comfortable, probably a bed.

Step 3) Listen to this song.

Step 4) Nod out. = )

Why Can't I Touch It?

Ugh, I don't even want to go into everything that's going on right now.

1.) boy problems - Jordan is too old for me, but we're good friends. Zack is still just my bff, and that's how I want it. Anthony is still himself, which means I still like him a lot and he still sucks.

2.) applying to college - I just want to finish it. It's stressing me out and making me a bitch.

3.) my father - he's always fucked up. And then he acts like a dumbass and I don't want to hear it. Even my mother is tired of it. He's a freeloader, he's a fucker, and I hate him. I love him, but I want to be nothing like him.

I'll leave it at that. I just don't feel like thinking about it.

I hope Mel is okay. She's just amazing. Haha, the coolest girl on here by far. = )

Well, I'm going to go!

- Lucy

P.S. This is one of my favorite songs. 

"Why Can't I Touch It?" by the Buzzcocks

BTW, my friend told me that: "you cant touch it because u are awkward!!!"

Haha, it's probably true. = )

I'm Too Good For You

WARNING: I'm about to go on the nod, so any delusions of grandeur that I may display in this post are chemically fueled, but some of them are probably totally true. = )

So, there is so much boy news I barely know where to begin...

For starters, I will say this: I'm not the greatest looking girl - I'm pretty average - but I swear, there is something about me that must make up for that fact, because I have so many options right now... it's almost ridiculous. = ) I'm going to list each boy by there name:

J - Okay, so I've been obsessing over him aaaaaaall week, and it's disturbing. I've decided to not talk to him until he texts or IMs me because I don't want to be ridiculously creepy. He's a hot, Jewish, 21 year old, skinhead... and no, I can't help myself, he's adorable and smart and funny and.... But, here's the thing, it all makes me nervous. I'm worried that it's either A) a joke or B) him trying to get into my pants. I hope that it's serious, I really like him, I don't want a serious boyfriend, but I'd like one who could take me out sometime or go to a show with me or someone that I could tend to their wounds after a fight... Anyway, it's a large predicament. We've been texting and IMing a lot, and there are a lot of signs that say he likes me but, older boys make me nervous. Out of all the guys, he is my goal. = )

Anthony - I broke up with him. It's been really weird because we still kind of act like we're dating. We see each other and give each other hugs, and stuff. I kind of miss him, I hope he can change so that we can date again. I'm just not going to be made into his last priority, no matter how much I like him. It's just not fair to me, and I can date guys who would give me more attention.

Zack - He's my BFFF... Haha, we've been chilling a lot and being idiots. We drove around and stole all of these Palin/McCain signs before the election. He also is slowly liking punk more and more. I already told him that he's going to prom with me = ). 

Here's our playlist for the car:

1. Broken Bones - The Freeze

2. I Hate Tourists - The Freeze

3. We're Not the Abnormal Ones - The Freeze

4. I'm Too Good For You - The Freeze

5. John Wayne Was a Nazi - MDC

6. Dick For Brains - MDC

7. I Hate Work - MDC

8. Slut - Charged G.B.H.

9. Spinal Remains - Misfits

10. Bullet - Misfits

11. Beat My Guest - Adam and the Ants

12. Mr. Right - Mickey Avalon

13. Jane Fonda - Mickey Avalon

Dillion - Dillion is an awesome guy, who I could definitely see myself with. He's in my statistics class and he's just so sweet. He's really like a big teddy bear and he listens to me complain and discuss all this shit in my life. I really like him, and I think he likes me... = )

Okay, so I guess what I'm saying is that I think I'm attractive... What the hell? I'm kind of surprised, ya know? That sounds conceited, but I don't mean physically, I mean mostly personality wise. It kind of makes me laugh because I mean think about this: I'm a nerdy girl, with glasses, a mohawk, doc martens, who goes to punk shows, with arthritis, who writes creepy dirty poetry, who likes the drugs a bit too much... AND I STILL GET THE MEN??? I have decided that I don't understand men at all, and I mostly don't trust them. My goal, being the angelic virgin that I am (that's actually true), is that when I do start having sex that I become really good at it. I feel like then I'd be the person that I want to be, I want to be this awesome girl, who goes to shows and all the people and bands know her, who can date most people she wants, who doesn't care what other people think, and who is great in bed... Haha, not that I'm going to get all of those things, but it would be nice. I just want a boy, whose cute, and funny, and smart, and a punk/skinhead... is that so hard to get?

Anyway, I haven't posted in like 5 days, so I'll catch you guys up on stuff besides the men... = )

So, my grades in school are amazingly stellar!

Stat = A

Environmental Science AP = A- (92)

Latin AP = A- (92)

English AP = B

Health/Gym = A

European History AP = B

I'm sure you're all very proud of me, just kidding... I don't know, it's funny but a lot of adults I know give me more props for my grades than my parents. If you would like to tell me how proud you are, feel free to do so, haha, everyone makes me feel like a shit head most of the time so it's nice to prove them wrong.

I have been procrastinating so much lately, it's ridiculous. I've been doing my homework marginally, I haven't even started studying for the SAT IIs in December, and I have barely made head way on my supplements for college (though I've finished the apps and teacher recommendation stuff). I don't know, maybe I don't deserve props, but whatever.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, like 4 hours of sleep for the past 5 or 6 nights. So, my decision to get high right now probably wasn't the best, but whatever. I should be doing homework, but I'll start sometime today... If I don't fall asleep, fuck, this just came on so strong. I think I should shower and try and see if that will keep me awake. I'm really hungry now too.

Anyway, I'll be gone tomorrow cause I'm going to a show in Queens, and then spending the night in Brooklyn. But, I'll leave you with a poem I just wrote:

Respect (or at least, that's what I'll call it for now = )

God made men to be sexy for me
To laugh and joke and talk with me.
But sometimes I worry they are looking for more
Which might make me seem like a whore.

I like this skinhead you see
He’s quite attractive and fond of me.
But he makes me nervous about some things
Because with age experience brings.

I maybe young and quite a treat
But don’t expect me to lick your meat.
I’m not a skank or tramp or whore
I’m someone that must be adored.

I’m not saying that I’m a prude
I’m just saying you best not be rude.
I like boys and men of all shapes and any size
But I prefer to keep them out from between my thighs.

Anyway, I hope you've all been great. I've been wondering about you guys. I hope your week and now your weekend will be great. = )

BTW, Melody is definitely the coolest person on here, no offense to everyone else... if you don't read her blog already, you def should. Haha, one day, I want to be as awesome as her. = )

Drink, Drank, Punk

Okay, so I'm going to try and sort out what happened yesterday at the show in a way that makes sense. I'll do it in steps, it'll make it easier for me to right it out. (BTW, Jay is the lead singer of Endangered Feces, Jay C. is the lead singer of Aggressive Force... two different people, hookay?)

1.) Got on the subway, about a 20 minute trip on the F to Delancy. Right when I got into the station, Santina and Nicole were there. So we all figured out where it was.

2.) We hung out there, and talked to Jay L.. We all hung out there together, just waiting around for about an hour. I felt fucked up, it's actually the way I usually feel the day before I get really sick.

3.) After about an hour or so we all walked in, paid our $7.

4.) Charles said his poem, then I said mine... I'm gonna post the video of my poem at the end of this post.

5.) Endangered Feces went on. Jay C., Jordan, and I were basically the ones throwing all of the toilet paper at the crowd.

6.) After they were done I was talking to Jay and a few others, he was drinking out of a Powerade bottle which I knew had some kind of alcohol in it. He hands it to me and tells me to taste the "newest flavor of Powerade."

7.) When he finally realized how much I've had he became very concerned, and a bit surprised. He basically dragged me to the deli across the street to buy me water and pretzels. And then it HIT ME!

8.) My first thought was "OH MY GOD! What the fuck have I done???" It's slowly getting worse and worse and worse. And suddenly I'm so fucked.

9.) Basically I sat down on the floor inside and ate the pretzels and drank the water. Listening to Kissy Kamikaze. A little bit into that I went into the back and sat out on the chairs with Daniella (who Jay basically entrusted me to), her new Irish bf (directly off the boat, apparently), Santina, Nicole, Tanzen, and Jay stayed there for a bit too.

10.) Jordan and Jay C. are out there with their girls, and we're all talking. Everyone is very nice and basically telling me to not worry about it, that everyone does this, and not to worry about it.

11.) Tanzen leaves at some point, and I finally make it back inside. (By this time I think I had drank the first bottle of water, and now I keep peeing and peeing and peeing) The Ray Gradys were playing and were covering Zero Boys, which was amazing. I got up there and was singing with Jay and Jordan on the mic. Haha, the three drunks all on the microphone, so not surprising. I went to sitting on the crates in the back, because my steadiness was uhh... not so good. Jordan and Jay C. are skanking, and Jordan grabs me by my shirt and pulls me off the crate. Right as that happened Jay came over to hit him and actually ended up hitting me in the face, so they quickly grabbed me and pulled me onto my feet and shoved me onto the crate again. Santina let me rest my head on her shoulder and they all made sure everything was cool. It was kinda funny, it didn't bother me at all. My face got numb, and then kinda hurt, but that's fine.

12.) Santina, Nicole, Jay, Daniella, me, and the two twins (who I have now met, they're really cool guys, really nice) were standing on the street (besides me, I'm sitting on the ground resting my head against Jay's knee, who is just kind of petting my head, I think he felt kinda bad).

13.) Santina and Nicole leave and Jay and Charles are now watching me. The guy from the Ray Gradys held the door for me as I pissed because the door wouldn't close to the bathroom. Jay and I walk to get his car, and then we drive back to the show. Jay and Charles basically sit me in the car and I'm feeling a bit more sober. After about 15 minutes and me listening to them talk while they load up the car we're off. We drive up to this bagel place on like 4th ave 20 something. Jay buys me a big cup of coffee, I pee again. By this time my piss is legitimately clear. We're all talking as Jay drives me to Penn, Charles volunteers to make sure I'm fine getting to the terminal. He drops me off, I say good bye to Jay, and thank him and apologize. Charles walks me in and I give him a hug goodbye and he walks off. I go to the bathroom and pee again (holy shit, I probably peed like 8 times in about 3 hours, it was ridiculous).

14.) The train ride wasn't too bad because I spent the entirety of it on the phone talking to Lauren and Nina and Santina on the phone. It was actually quite entertaining.

15.) I get home around 10:30 and pee again. I feel like shit, probably because I haven't eaten anything besides one bag of pretzels since 11 in the morning. I hang with my rents for a bit, I tell them that I think I have a stomach virus.

It was actually a really entertaining night, I had a really good time. It's kind of funny, but I really enjoyed myself. I've never been drunk before, and definitely never had whiskey (Jameson... apparently Endangered Feces really likes it, they call it the nectar of the Emerald Isle). Didn't puke, which I'm impressed with. My guess is that I had approximately 4 or 5 shots, I don't know how much Jameson gets a regular person drunk.

Here are my questions: How much Jameson gets a regular person drunk? How much Jameson makes a regular person puke?

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was shaking so bad. I realized it was because I was really cold, so I put on a sweatshirt and socks, which made it almost completely stop. I didn't fall asleep until about 1 a.m. or so, and I woke up at 7 a.m.... What the fuck? I'm still feeling a bit off, but eating really really helped me. I need to eat some more. Next time Jay offers me something, I will not be drinking that much and I'm gonna ask him what it is.

Haha, wow, how was your saturday? = )

Here's the video as promised: (BTW, the guy standing behind me laughing, with half a head of hair is Jay C.)

Nectar of the Emerald Isle

I am shaking so bad. This is not even funny. Holy fuck, so this all started when at the show Jay (who is about 35 or 36) handed me "the newest Powerade flavor"... which happens to be Jamieson. Me, being fucking brilliant, thinks, "Oh, it must just be some nasty ass beer or something, so I might as well drink what's left..." There was about a quarter of the bottle filled with it, by the time Jay realized what I had done he was kinda worried. So, basically, I was baby-sat by the rest of the adults and shoved in with all of the drunk 20 somethings... honestly, it was kinda fun. No puking (which is impressive). (I am now jiggling my leg, which is helping me stop my body from shaking, God this is horrible) I have drank about 3 bottles of water and a big to-go cup of coffee. Jay drove me to Penn with Charles, and made sure that I was okay to get home. Fuck, I feel kinda bad, but everyone agreed that it was alright and that everyone at my age ends up like this at some point. Even the use of the word "experimentation" didn't bother me tonight (I mean, I was pretty fucked, so nothing much bothered me). I cannot deal with this. I'll say more about this tomorrow, fuck, right now, I just want to stop shaking and go to sleep.

Depression

I'm not really depressed, but, sticking with the theme of song titles, it's the closest I could get... or at least, the first one I could think of. I've been feeling completely shitty, and just sad, so I haven't been feeling like writing. I'll give you the and short of what's going on:

- On saturday I went to look at a college, and I really liked it. That night I submitted my college applications to all of the schools. It was terrifying, but exciting. College is going to be awesome!

- On sunday I went to Tompkins and saw a free show. It was awesome! I saw Blackout Shoppers and Trauma Team 666. I hung out with Jay from Endangered Feces and Justin. At the show I'm going to on saturday I'm going to read my poem that I wrote to Charles Bukakke. Jay asked me if he could call me "Lucy Bukkake" or "Lucy Ass" or just "Lucy B." I didn't even know what to say, but it would be pretty entertaining. I always consider nicknames to be awesome, especially the ones that people end up getting in the scene. They're always ridiculous and funny, my personal favorites: "Seth Amphetamines," "Blackout Matt," "Rev Mike" (cause he sometimes wears a preacher's shirt on stage), etc..

- On Halloween, I should be going into the city. Hopefully, it will be awesome. = )

Feeling blue makes me not want to write.

Intervention

Nothing is going on. I'm hungry. I'm craving. I'm fucking bored. TV sucks shit.

But, Chinese food will be coming, Celebrity Rehab will be on in less than an hour (the most ridiculous show ever, it also makes me want to KILL Gary Busey, he is the worst person ever), soon it will all be lovely again.

This reminds me, you guys need to watch this show, it's the funniest episode of Intervention I have ever seen!

This is a video of that show I was at on saturday, I'm the one with no hair on the right...

Check ya guys later... or whenever I get more bored.

Gang Bang Island

Too many people were at my house, last night. It ended up being like a small party, I had 4 girls over and then Ned came over. And we were all chilling until Ned, Alexis, Tanzen, and I went to the show and saw WWIX and the Blackout Shoppers! *girly, high-pitched squeal* If you don't know already I have a thing for older men (well, yeah, basically the biggest crushes I have are all on guys who are approximately 20 years older than me). Before we went to the show we tried to figure out what the opposite of a cougar is, haha. Well, I have the biggest crush on Justin, who is 22 years older than me and the guitarist for WWIX. The coolest thing about him and the drummer John, as well, is that they always introduce me to everyone. I go places and I talk to them and then they'll be talking to another band and suddenly I'm being introduced "Hey, this is Lucy, she's really cool." I get this big teenage grin on my face, I love it. I'm slowly becoming a 17 year old staple of the scene, I can tell because slowly bands are recognizing me when I'm getting introduced. That's all I want, I want to be like Justin and know everyone. I was looking at their set list, and I said, "You guys aren't playing Gang Bang Island?!?!?" And Justin was like, "Oh shit guys, we've gotta play Gang Bang Island for Lucy!" So, right after Mike introduced the song, Justin grabbed the mike and said "This one's for Lucy!" I could have died. This was Alexis' first real show and I think she was a little afraid (I mean, drunken men slam dancing in a very small space can be scary, I guess). I tried to stand in front of them when we were standing at the back of the room, I guess I just wanted to protect them from a flying elbow or foot. Man, it was so much fun, I just love WWIX so much. Justin gave me a t-shirt and a record for free, and he came outside and talked to my mother. I can't explain it, it's just like when you know you've found the band for you, you stick with them and if they're cool they stick with you...

Well, I'm so overwhelmed by it and I'm thinking about just spending the day doing nothing. And that sounds lovely. = )

Portrait of sobriety

My bed is feeling warm and cozy and I'm counting down the minutes until I have to get up and get dressed so that I can get lugged out to the diagnostic place. Fuck, I hate it. Ugh, I feel bad for anyone who has to find a vein in my right arm... everyone thinks it's like a sandbox "if we keep digging we're bound to find it." I mean, well, that's always my thought, and apparently there's as well. I finished "Naked Lunch" today, man that was such a good book. The way Boroughs describes everything is like it's beautiful or something, or amazingly ugly, but either way it's impressive. I'm marked the book all up by underlining good lines. My arthritis was bad this morning when I woke up, back and knees and that kinda bullshit. The sun is coming into my room and it looks so peaceful and nice. Last night I spent with my boys: Zach and Anthony and Tyler. Zach came over to my house after school and we watched Dazed and Confused because he had never seen it. Luckily, he was one of those people who can see the humor in it, especially all the amazing lines that they say, "Do you have a joint?... Well, it'd be a lot cooler if you did." And then I dropped him off and picked up Anthony. Anthony are like a married couple, it's so funny. After we hung out at my house we went to the movies and met up with Zach, Tyler, Dan, Sam, and these two other girls. I met some people, these girls, who apparently really like my hair. Zach appeared to be chatting one of them up, so we weren't sure if we should leave him alone. And then I decided it probably wasn't the case and walked over. We all saw Max Payne, which was really really good. I had a big blue icee and ate about half of Zach's popcorn (I can finish one of those large tubes, it's like my specialty... though I do feel really sick afterwards).

I'm working on a T-shirt for Feet First, I did a basic idea on Gimp using images offline. The guy from FF (I'll just call him FF) says that he likes it but he's going to call me at 12P.M. so we can discuss angles, etc. (I thought telling me the time was kinda of funny, but I guess it makes sense). The first time I talked to FF he sounded like he was tweeking, the rapidity of what he was saying and how so many thoughts were just running out of his mouth. It was around 10:20 at night and I had spent most of my afternoon on the nod. My brain was still calm and cool and couldn't understand why he was working so fast. He kinda made my heart beat really fast, which freaked me out. I hate that, when people put me into nervous situations while I'm high and it feels like my heart is just going to beat so hard that it will pop out of my chest. I laid in bed later that night and my heart felt so loud. 

Man, I wish I could be high right now. Gotta stay sober, people are coming in today. Ned and Tanzen are coming in from NYC and Alexis is coming over. Sam may come over too. WE'RE GOING TO THE WWIX AND BLACKOUT SHOPPER SHOW!! AHHH! I'm so excited. I'm going to hug Justin as many times as I can (ugh, he's so awesome, and I'm such a 17 year old girl). Anthony and Matt may come, I'm trying to get Matt to convince his rents to drive them both. I can't wait! = )

Apparently, this guy owed Anthony some money, so he was paid in weed... I told him to sell it to this kid Ezra, who really wants to be a stoner (I've heard of worse goals). Yeah, I felt kinda bad for Anthony, he obviously just wanted money.

Okay, so I'll come back later with something interesting to say. = )