"To Be Young" is the only sound. Running my fingers through my hair, I turned on the light.
I usually get high at night. In fact, I really only get high in the evening/night. I like the alone time, in the darkness, no one there to bother me. That is the one bad thing about me and like speed because damn, it is stupid to do speed in the evening. It wasn't the clean all night feeling I got from E, it felt dirty. I felt the sweat pouring off my body noticeably. Now obviously, my speed is a lot less combinations of drugs than E. But still, that's uncomfortable.
Honestly, I know why I'm getting high tonight. It's because I just have been seriously hating myself for the past few days. I feel like my self-loathing creeping up my back, over my shoulder, and around my neck. Today's started with the fact that, honestly, P does not fuck me as much as I would like. Perhaps it the age difference? Perhaps he doesn't think I want to? But, it makes you feel like a royal asshole trying to lead someone on, and they are unresponsive. We only fucked like TWICE. GODDAMNIT, I AM 19, THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. Haha, seriously though, now I have to like talk to him about it, which is fine, it's not that big a deal, but still kind of sucks. And then he kind of nicely hinted that he wanted me to leave. Granted, I did spend the night and stayed at his place until like 6 or so the next day. He is my boyfriend, and he does have to go to bed early since he does go to work at 3 am, and I'm sure he just wanted some time alone before he went to sleep... yeah, alright. So, that actually makes sense. I just don't want to feel like I'm somehow hassling him with my presence. I don't know. We're hanging out on Friday. Whatever. I still feel shitty. I will feel the same when whatever I decide to pop wears off. And now maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go to sleep. It's more of a thing taking them the actual effects of the drug.
Well, I'm going to go decide and either way just lie down.
Goodnight...
- Lucy
4 comments:
You should be able to set a French AZERTY keyboard to QWERTY quite easily. I have English, French, German and American International settings on mine and I can just click between them... so if you have trouble at school, get the person in charge of the computers to sort it out for you. It's their job. Make 'em earn their living for a change!!!!
Haha, it wasn't so hard to change them, but occasionally it was hard to dig through all of the setting that were in French to figure out how to do it. Luckily, being back in the US for as long as I like, I will no longer have to fear the French keyboard.
Hi I'm back from the post above, bc I was wondering what using you were talking about.
Isn't ecstasy SO much cheaper in Europe than the US?? I heard something about prices, not too long ago, and couldn't believe what they were paying.
I used to take 1.5 pills - always good ones - then maybe another 1, 2 hours later. This would keep me up at a rave/club/party from 11 till 6.
After 6 I liked to let it come down. I didn't like eeing without a place to dance.
I told myself I would never do more than 2... 3... and up.
Last time I took it we did 7 or 8 or so each and then I thought: this has to stop. I was already on heroin then and hated the way MDMA made me sweat.
Even at the 2 pills stage (bc the last bit lasted only a few months) I was having troubles seeing ants running everywhere and basically tripping for 2 days off the back end of these pills.
We were all buying from the same dealer, who was THEE dealer at the time in London, on our scene at least, so it's me not the pills. My brain doesn't like stimulants. Not too much.
This speed you talking about, is it sulphate or meth?
I hit up some sulphate (well it didn't come with a manufacturer's label but I'm assuming that's what it was) and it was nothing, nowhere near coke. And I took enough to stay up 3 days straight.
The weird thing was, I don't remember using anything after night 1 - it kind of kicked me on to a high and I stayed there.
One reason I'm not into uppers. They don't entirely agree with me...
Well this went on, I have to go. Where actually are you? I was assuming you were in France... then that reply...
Do you speak good French now?
I think just some oxy. I'm pretty sure. It might have been some klonopin. Honestly, I can't remember.
Yeah, ecstasy does bad bad bad things to me. It was kind of fun, I took 3 and a half pills the one and only time I did it...there's a good reason why it was only once as well. I was basically pulling at the skin on my stomach because I felt too enclosed by my body. I tripped for the next 24 hours, and that was seriously one of the worst parts. My eyes were blinking so fucking rapidly it was kind of scary. I don't know, it was really fun, yet really uncomfortable--and so it evened out to being a middle of the road kind of drug. Uppers, generally, make me feel physically uncomfortable, which makes it hard to rationalize doing them.
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