It feels so good and so bad at the same time. I feel like I’m trying to pull apart my brain, figuring out how to compartmentalize my life. Shoving out the bad thoughts, and trying to let him in so that I can wash away the dirty feeling on the back of my neck. I thought I was doing so well, but I’m back at stage one. All I want is to get high. Not when I’m around him, when I’m around him I could just be sober forever. I feel like I just use people as bandages, as something in between drugged out delusions. Every day I seem to wake up and hate myself a bit more, hate myself for pretending to be clean. Yeah, I’m not Chloe, I didn’t OD last week, but damn, I’m not sober. I’m just bouncing from day to day hoping that I’m too tired or like myself enough to just go to sleep, so that I don’t have to actually work to stay away from shit. And when it’s sitting in your bedside table, you can’t help but think “just a little, just a little bit more.” But one day it’s all used up, and you’re more gone you realized. I know I’m not special. I’m just a product of the suburbs, the place that probably provides the best childhood and then the worst youth in the world. Right now, I’m so tired, I’m just going to go to sleep. Sober. And when I wake up, I’ll feel better. Maybe. Hopefully, that’s the one thing I want some more of. Just a bit more hope.
Rage Against the Machine
3 months ago
7 comments:
Hi, I always stop by and read your blog when you update. I hope you don't mind.
Especially since I am 55 years old, but I have a 21 year old son, who has admitted to me that he drinks and smokes pot.
I was just wondering if I should be concerned that he might upgrade his drug of choice. He also is in a hard rock band and is performing at Warped Tour. Not that that means anything, but is there more stuff in that kind of environment?
I was addicted to Percocet for about 2 years, but it got too expensive. So now I am struggling to wean myself off of Suboxone. Funny how that is just as addictive. My stomach feels like a cork screw is twisting in it when I run out. Combined with the sweats and chills, it is not a good time during withdrawals.
I think if I had as much money as Michael Jackson, I probably would have just kept myself loaded with percocet, instead of wasting my time with Suboxone. At least I got a little buzz with Perc.
Hope you don't mind an old guy stopping by to see how you continue to remain afloat while using. My life is so boring now, I keep wondering if it would not be better just to be high all the time. That's not something my kids would want to hear, so let's not tell them. OH, I am from NJ
Good luck to you.
Honestly, having never met your son I have no idea. But I know a lot of people who have never done anything beyond pot and alcohol, and don't have any desire to. I started out with percocet then went on to smoking pot and drinking... I am definitely not the average case. I mean, in the end, it comes down to your parental-gut, if you begin to think he's doing something, then you have to confront him. But he just sounds like an average kid. Almost everyone I know who is in their late teens/20s smokes pot.
My other advice is that if you have some strong solid evidence he's doing something, you need to confront him and do shit. My parents turned a blind eye way too many times, and in a way, helped my drug problem along. Obviously, it's not their fault, but if I had someone who was watching me closely and drug testing me, it definitely would have curbed my use.
In the end, if you're son is that open with you, and knows about your past history with percocet, I doubt he'll start doing it or moving up in the drug spectrum. A lot of people I know who are the children of parents with drug problems, tend to stay far away from their parents drug of choice.
Haha, I totally agree on the percocet/MJ thing.
All are welcome to my blog. I mean, I've slowed down a lot, but its come to the point where I wonder if I'll ever quit.
Thanks! Same to you!
DUR. Back home. Well that answered one useless question dinnit?
fucks sake ive been typing in german keyboard it is NOT condusive to tiredness
i've been taking benzo- and who knows what else-ated heroin. i know it has benzos in it as i tested my piss and it came up benzo positive, and I have NOT been pillpopping
this speed is it a dexamphetamine based thing?
do you know some private drs STILL prescribe that to addicts over here.
in pills, but most people bang it up and they surely know that so why the fuck they don't give it out in amps I do not know
As I said below I tried injecting speed. Big waste of time. None of the ear-whooshing stomach-flipping rush of crack or IV coke. Injecting the stuff I did is just for the impatient, there was no special rush, it just came on faster.
Also re this crystal meth and people saying how strong it is etc. if it's so amazing, how come not a single film star, pop star or multimillionaire I've ever heard of has EVER fessed up or been outed for a meth habit. ALWAYS coke. Always.
Surely that says it all about the difference between the 2.
I'm saying this as I realized I haven't done any coke (meaning crack) for ... I cannot remember how many months. I gave up at new year going into 2009 and lapsed a couple of times ~ maybe 4 times at most. big big BIGGEST waste of time.
yuck
hope you're well
gotta go :-)
ps I think you gave that guy a really good answer
I remmeber an 8 year old boy, who knew I used heroin with his mum, giving a guided tour through the house when she was out... "this is where she keeps her works... here's the spoons... she hides her hit under her pillow but I always see it"
heartbreaking
Yeah, it's dextroamphetamine. It's these old pills from the 70s, with amobarbital mixed in. I'm glad that the barbs were in it because I definitely liked that I wasn't too paranoid, or edgy. It's a weird feeling, I felt energetic, sweaty, and very very happy. I've only done it twice and have two more hits. I'm saving them for some other time because it's not something that I want all the time. Yeah, honestly, they're in suppository form. The first time I tried snorting some, and then eating the rest. But the second time I just used them in their original form (first time I've ever done that), and it worked super super well. Within 20 minutes, I actually passed out for 3 hours (I think most of the barbs must have hit me first).
I prefer opiates, but they're definitely harder to come by right now from my regular sources. I have a few other assorted random pills--some sleeping pills and some benzos--but I just don't feel like using them right now. The sleeping pills have a tendency to make me puke when I snort them (but with enough, it's a nice big rush and then tripping for a few hours, with lots of sleep the next day). And the benzos I have, were something my friend ODed on the other day. She's alive, but I don't know, it makes me want to just ease up.
At the end of the day, my new boyfriend is really the main reason I want to stop. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything from him because I think he deserves my respect/honesty. Not that I've really been doing much lately, I'd say (over the past two months) I get high like 5 to 10 times a month, and never around anyone, which really isn't too bad for me. I just need to stop it almost completely before I start school because I don't want to deal with the depression that hit me at the beginning of last semester due to my complete sobriety.
Thanks! I really tried to make sure my answer was comprehensive. Yeah, that's really sad. I always feel bad for the children of people with drug problems because it's not right to put other people through that kind of bullshit. If people want to do drugs, they should really just stay childless.
Meth has a terrible rep for being super low-class and gross. That's most likely why celebrities either don't do it or fess up to doing it.
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