Lust for Life

I was just thinking about something:

I was watching Trainspotting the other night for probably the hundreth time (I can repeat all the lines... haha, I'm a nerd, okay?) and I thought about when he's walking into the bathroom. Everyone is apparently staring at him. I feel like this is such a real portrayl, whenever high I feel like everyone I pass knows it and is staring at me and thinking, "You junky. You're high! I can tell!" It happened at the festival on sunday, I was walking towards the main area and everyone I passed was just completely staring at me, in the city too, almost anywhere it seems like. Now, I know it's nuts, I know that that's not really the case. But, I was just kind impressed with how true to life that is...

= )

Pulling a "Sicky"

Okay, so here is what I am thinking about on my day home from school: A) I need to finish my homework, B) I need to get better, and C) I need to get my life more in order. My biggest problem is that I need to figure out which path I want to take. If I'm going to care then I have to get myself cleaner. I don't need to quit completely, just get my life in a more orderly way. I feel like the whole idea of getting clean is really something that I'm always hearing other people say, and I feel like I should have some big goal. But I don't. I don't have any desire to get clean, if anything I would rather use more. I like being high, I'd rather be high. I feel better about everything, I know that's not a good reason, but does there have to be a reason. As Scott Frank says, "Why care?" (that's an approximation, I can't find the exact quote). I don't care. I don't think there is really anything I'm going to gain from getting clean. That's the problem, I'm not gaining anything, maybe a bit less worry. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment, I just don't see the point in getting clean because there doesn't appear to be any large benefit. The only obvious one is that I think I'm worrying Tanzen. She hasn't said it in that many words, but she seems to be very circumspect about my present circumstances. I feel bad about maybe giving her something to worry about, I figure I'll shut up the next few months and then she'll chill.

I guess my biggest crossroads, is whether to stay on the straight and narrow path off to college and being studious. Or to just not give a shit anymore. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do next summer. I have a feeling that it will be a defining factor in my life. We're all discussing big plans and everything else, but I wonder if we will all end up picking our paths right then. We're talking about maybe getting an apartment in the village or maybe going to Dublin. Some many options...

In completely other and more uplifting news: I'm reading this book called "Brass" by Helen Walsh, which about this girl Millie whose at Uni in London. She can make this decision to either continue on her path of over drinking, over drugging, over prostitute seeking (she's a lesb'in), and under achieving. Or actually getting her shit together and graduating college. Holy fuck, remind you of anyone, besides the drinking, the lesbianism, the prostitutes, and the under achieving. It's not so bad, not amazing either, but oh well. It's an okay drug book, mostly coke and e. She's kinda dumbass, but it's at least mostly entertaining. I've got about 50 pages left to read, so I may finish it today if I have the time.

I had a dream last night that my family found my stash. A few nights ago I had a dream that my parents were sending me to 'hab, which apparently was hilarious (during the dream I couldn't figure out why it was so funny). I hate them, they are so vivid and scary. 

I think I'm going to make a posting of my favorite drug books, because I have read a number and some are excellent. I probably shouldn't be focusing on drugs, I should be focusing on Latin or Environmental Sciences.

Lyrica + Peeps = how to fuck yourself up

Whoever thought that Lyrica is a fun drug, is seriously on drugs (haha, obviously). It took about 4 hours to kick in, but when it kicked in, it kicked in. The room was rotating, and I had to stumble down the hallway to the bathroom and then to the kitchen, which wasn't very pleasant. I decided that, if I'm going to feel this fucked up, I might as well have a soundtrack to it. I listened to the Germs for a bit, which was kinda nice (I'm not such a giant fan of the Germs, but I like some of their stuff). When I finally turned out the light and went to bed, I was hit with really bad night-blindness (as if there's a really nice version). So, now everything is dark, and I'm really dizzy, and when I turn over the room feels like it's spinning around me: it was a bit unpleasant. I attempted to calm myself down and remind myself that soon I would be asleep and it would be fine. I passed out and woke up at 10:26 with my phone vibrating violently. Alexis had texted me to tell me that she was sorry that she had just seen my text about the Rocky Horror Picture Show (none of my friend's were allowed to go, so I figured that we would all just see it next month). I was still really fucked up, so I decided to go back to sleep. When I finally woke up it was 12:56, I didn't feel like moving. The room was still twisting beneath me. After a few minutes of debating, I quietly got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were like giant black holes, so I knew that I couldn't go and see my rents (they love to threaten me with drug tests every chance they get, so I try to avoid them when I'm obviously fucked up). I laid back down and waited for a half an hour, when I finally got up and stumbled back to the mirror. Although I still felt like shit, my eyes were now back to normal (I don't know what miracle occurred there). I've felt pretty fucked up all day, but I guess that's what I get for being a dumbass. I just finished cleaning my bathroom and I'm washing my sheets, but I think I'm going to take a nap. Haha, I'm still so tired, it's not even funny. The way it feels at the moment reminds me of getting really high, sitting on my bed, and the only way that I could keep myself from puking my guts out was to lean my head against the wall and keep still.

I feel like puking is so normal to me now, that it really doesn't bother me. Usually it's my fault for being dumb. The last 3 times I've taken Ambien I've puked my guts out (one of those times I puked twice, and two of those times involved Peeps, maybe there's a connection there). I remember the first time I had withdrawals, I took Ambien the third night, to finally get to sleep. The next morning I woke up around 6 a.m. and decided that I should just take some oxycodone and stop this bullshit. For the first two hours after taking it, I was totally cool, I had taken it with cranberry juice (which is very acidic). After about 2 and a half hours I'm puking up cranberry juice into a garbage bag. It was so painful, because it was my stomach acids plus the cranberry juice. Besides that time, all the times I've puked, although they have been annoying, have never really bothered me. Mostly because I'm high, so nothing really bothers me. Puking peeps is a weird experience because they are still marshmallowy and soft. I remember, still being very high after puking into a ziploc bag (only thing I could find), and kinda playing with my marshmallow vomit (as I said, I was very high) by squeezing the bag, it was pretty entertaining.

Okay, so enough of this gross puking conversation, I'll just leave you be, hopefully I can come back and say more interesting things when I'm not about to fall off my own bed. = )

For your own viewing pleasure I feel like posting my favorite scene from SLC Punk, because I love that movie... haha, I don't care what people say about it, it is an awesome movie. = )

I Hate People

Last night I was sitting on my bed and I started to just see the needle going into my skin. Slowly slipping in, the flinching pain, and then the release. Blood filling up, blooding flowing out. I remember once, it's actually a pretty funny story, my needle getting clogged. I was annoyed because I was done and I just wanted to get out of the bathroom and lay down. I'm standing over the sink and nothing is coming out. Pressing and pressing, nothing is coming out. I held it up and pointed it towards the mirror trying to see if the blockage was visible. I continued to press (for a reason I can't understand) and it sprayed out. But, because it was pointed up I got in on the ceiling. Now, I'm standing there staring at the ceiling and a shiver runs down my spine, how am I going to clean this up? I clear off everything that was on the counter, and quickly hop on to it. I'm kneeling on the counter and all I can think is, "SHIT!" I lick my finger and rub it on the speckles of blood and suddenly they're gone. I take the rest of the water that I had and rubbed off all the blood on the ceiling on the lights. By that time my fear had caused me to begin to shake so I had to go lie down and calm down. Anyway, to me, that's a funny story, probably because it was me staring at the ceiling thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO???"

I just want to get high. I just want to melt into the seams in the bedspread. I don't want to think about fighting, or yelling, I just want to melt into oblivion. I tried to talk to Lauren today about why she pissed me off last night, but she didn't care that she had hurt me. It's so obnoxious. Anthony and I are talking on the phone, I'm crying on the other side, and all he says is, "I wish I could be there and give you a hug." He has to work today and tomorrow, but we may hang out after he gets done tomorrow. I hope we can, I haven't seen him in two weeks, which is really too long.

We're going out on Tuesday to the movies, so at least if I can't see him tomorrow I can see him then. I really want to see that new Brad Pitt movie, "Burn After Reading." It looks so good! I think Anthony wants to see "Pineapple Express" again, which I will have to say no to because that would be the third time I had seen it. The second time was almost unbearable, my friend watched it high the second time and still thought it was long.

I'm getting the sides of my head trimmed down, it's looking weird with my 7" mohawk in the middle. I'm sure the hair stylist will get a kick out of it, I've known him since middle school. Haha, when I was in 7th grade I asked for a hairstyle that would allow me to stick up the middle in a mohawk but leave my hair normal on the sides, he said he couldn't do that. Last year, I did it to myself and it was pretty good, but my new mohawk is really awesome. I'm going to wait to reshave it, even though my hair grows back faster than most people. 

Well, I'm off to get my hair done! = )

Baby's on Fire

We walked down the steps to grab Lauren's dad a bottle of water. Her mother followed us partially down the steps. "WHY ARE YOUR EYES SO RED? HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING POT?" I tried to stop myself from giggling. Lauren starts to laugh, "No, I had my contacts in, but they were bothering me." "I didn't see you wearing them today!" Ahh, to be a teenager. 

It was another night spent at Lauren's house. "We can't eat, they always know when me and a friend go into the kitchen and just start to eat. It's too obvious." I've never really enjoyed pot (I started out with opiates, so pot was always like, "well, I have nothing better to do, so okay if you're buying it."), but Lauren is a pothead and so I find myself smoking with her every time we hang out. I don't really like thinking about how often she smokes, it's kind of depressing in a sense. I know that it's not a physical addiction (no shit, it's weed), but a mental addiction is just as bad. I've noticed that you can fuck yourself up and not really care, but watch your best friend become fucked up and it's just upsetting. She's a great musician, artist, and she's smart, but she's throwing it all away. I guess I'm being hypocritical, but I can't help it.

We watched part of Blades of Glory, which really says something about our mental state. It was free on one of those On Demand movie channels, so that's the only good part. Also, Will Arnett was in it, and he is one of the funniest people, I love him. I had a dream that I was married to him, haha. We agreed that the movie was "gay" and I mean, homosexual. It was a movie that had so much man on man sexual tension, and it was just too much. If the movie is going to be gay be gay, stop trying to make the people in it straight.

I'm actually in a good mood right now. I don't really know why, but I'm feeling joyous. High on life? Haha, I hope so. My friends and I are meeting up today to work on summer homework, so that will be...uhh... fun? I should be working on that paper for NYU, but I just can't focus on it. Hopefully it will be a lovely Sunday. = )

How is everyone else?

Back to reality

We were sitting in the living room. I was sitting on the sofa, completely calm, as they sat facing me. Nothing about this scared me, in fact, it was totally fine. My parents sat there and lovingly told me that I had to go to rehab. I was totally fine with it, in fact, I was relieved.

I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. I was a bit scared. I remember thinking, "what am I going to do?" Until reality kicked in and I realized that I was not actually going to rehab, that it had only been a weird kind of dream (or nightmare, I can't tell yet). I think it's because I've been thinking about the "rehab group." I have a feeling that this dream isn't going to go away any time soon.

I spent most of this weekend hiding in my room. I enjoyed a psychedelic vacation saturday night, which resulted in 36 hours of dilated pupils. Everyone I saw kept giving me weird looks (I can't tell if that was in my mind, or reality). It's kinda fun to do that once in a while, just to take a break from reality.

Actually, I should start off talking about Saturday morning, before any of that happened. I took the last hit that I had and was planning a nice calm day to relax and nod out on. As I was sitting on my bed, and doing some sudoku my mother walked in. We were talking and then I glanced at my phone. There were more texts from my boyfriend's family. After a few texts, they asked me to help and I did. However, this heightened situation was a bit too much for me. I just couldn't deal with it, I did, but I really was not in the right mental state to be doing this (my hands were shaking as I was typing, it wasn't fun). After they found him and I talked to his sister, they thanked me and I told them that there were no hard feelings. I really do hope that his family starts to like me, it would make dating a whole lot easier.

Later on my mother and I went to blockbuster, I rented American History X and Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've only seen American History X on tv, so it was interesting to watch it with no edits. I really like the movie, mostly I just love Edward Norton. The only thing I don't like are all the dumb bigots who think it's a pro-Nazi movie. The whole point is that if there is fighting that both sides will lose. I went over to my friend's house later and we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which was so much fun. We danced the Time Warp multiple times. We're both really psyched about seeing it at the movie theatre.

It was definitely an interesting weekend, if nothing else. Today Ned and I got lunch and went to class. I feel really bad for him because his uncle/godfather is in the hospital because he has been deemed "a danger to himself." Ned is really close with him, so he is obviously not in such a great mood. I'm just trying to be nice to him, he likes to act very masculine (a.k.a. unemotional), but I know that he absorbs everything.

This week will pass, I'm just going to try to take it one step at a time. = )

How is everyone? Did you have a lovely weekend?

It's a great day!

I'm listening to the Stiff Little Fingers and I have just again realized how classic they are. "Wasted Life" is probably one of my favorite songs. Haha, it's the kinda song that I used to listen to walking into school when I was pissed off. One of those mornings when I wished someone would just pick a fight with me so that I could just hit something, anything. But today is a very happy day.

Last night I went out to dinner with two friends and a girl I'm aquatinted with. We went to this Japanese restaurant that I've been going to since I was a little kid. In fact, when my family would come in they knew us, and I think they may have recognized me last night (I have a mohawk now, but before I had shoulder length hair.) (BTW, I feel so good right now... hmm... I wonder why... ;-) The only problem with the restaurant is that it is soooo expensive. For me just getting miso soup and chicken sukiyaki with a ginger ale was at least $18. Our entire tab came out to $93, but I had a coupon so it ended up being $83. I just put in my $20 cause that's all I had, but my friend Helen was really nice and put in a $20 and the extra money and paid the tip (she only gave them like $5 cause they ignored us mostly, but I can't blame them really). Then my friends decided to go to the movies and see Dark Knight for the 3rd time (I had only seen it once before, so my 2nd time). It was waaaaay too long this time. I could barley contain myself, I was like shaking, I had to get out of there. Mid-way through my boyfriend's sister texts me asking if he is with me. I tell her that he's not. She then proceeds to curse me out and tell me that I'm ruining her brother's life and all this other bullshit. I figure that the best thing to do is to be polite and not say anything back to that. His family hates me, mostly because he doesn't tell them where he's going when he hangs out with me (that's really not my fault). To me it just seems so juvenile, this girl cursing me out who doesn't know me through text messages. I think the reason she doesn't want him to hang with me is because his family is being really nasty to him due to him hanging with me. I think it's just causing internal family drama. I don't really know what to do, so I guess I'll just see what happens. Anyway, I got home, watched Craig Ferguson, who I love. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson is one of my favorite TV shows, I just think he's so funny. I love his monologues. Also, my pension for getting high at night means that I'm up from 12:37 to 1:37 (yes, it starts at exactly 12:37, weird isn't it?). It was a good night over all, but all of that drama was just too much for me to deal with.

The funny thing about his sister is that she runs in a crowd which I would describe as the "rehab group." The rehab group are people who have all been in rehab (usually out-patient) starting in high school because their parents or the school has caught them doing drugs. They enjoy discussing their drug use because they think it makes them cool. On a whole, I hate basically everyone in that group. They annoy the shit out of me, they are usually over-dramatic and believe that they are such badasses for being in rehab. I have a friend of mine who is in this group, besides annoying me to no end with her discussion of her own drug use (she was talking about using codeine and not eating for 3 days, and I started to laugh at her... everyone looked at me, because they were taking this very seriously, I mean, come on). She also attempts to convince us into giving her our urine (which no one ever does whose friends with me, we all think she should get into in-patient mostly because she is just rotting away her brain cells on multiple levels, though I think she stopped using opiates, also no one wants to pee into a cup on their lunch break). 

The girl who came to dinner with me is friends with a lot of these people, her name is Victoria. My best friend Lauren called her a "wannabe druggy." I believe that has to be the saddest thing I have ever heard. If your goal is to be someone who relies on drugs to feel good (or better, or whatever you want to say) that's pretty sad (and a pretty do-able goal). She's nice, has no brain, but she's nice. She also thinks I'm funny (haha, the only one I think). That wannabe side didn't come out at dinner, she just seemed like a normal, nice girl.

On August 29th I think I'm going to see the midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the movie theatre. My friend Richard and I are pretty psyched. I've never seen it before, but my friend told me that I better watch the movie before I go, so I think I'm going to watch it today. Today is going to be a good day, I can already feel it!

Today was the future yesterday

TODAY:
I met Ned at the subway and we walked over to a diner on Bleeker. He was nice enough to buy me lunch: pancakes, sausage, and coffee. I asked about going over to Tompkins Square Park, he looked at me, a bit puzzled: "Why would you wanna go there? It's full on sketchy." I smiled and said: "Well, I've never been there and I want to see it." He accepted that and said that maybe we could go there tomorrow. It's a walk a bit farther than we want to travel.

We walked over to class and slowly I felt my back becoming drenched in sweat. It's the same as every other day. The farther we walk the more soaked my back becomes. We bump fists and go to separate classes. I sit in class and stare at the board, my professor has a particularly funny example of a baby genius: illustrated by a baby with an grey wig and a moustache. It's an entertaining classes. I ask him if he will give me a recommendation for college, he says that I will have to wait and see until after class is over, but he says that the paper I gave him was good. I smile. I walk out and I pull my fist down in moment of triumph.

I hit the street and Ned and I slouch back towards the subway. We fist bump again and I wander back home. It was a good day.

My mother just walked in and warned me about drinking coffee everyday: "... because if you don't drink it one day, you'll get bad headaches. I mean really bad headaches." Good advice.

YESTERDAY:

I baked her that cake for her birthday, it actually tasted pretty good... I know it's not the most impressive cake decoration, but I tried hard. I think she really liked it. I gave her a Kitchenaide stand mixer, so I used it to bake the cake. It's a white supreme cake with dark chocolate fudge frosting. We only had 6 candles in the house, so I put them all on.

SATURDAY:

Anthony and I did go see the Dark Knight, which was pretty good. I don't know if I am as enamored with it as everyone else is, but I did enjoy it. We were bored afterwards and so he came over and we watched the first half of Trainspotting. I was driving him back to his house afterwards and he turns to me and says, "Do you think heroin smells bad?" I just said, "I'm sure it doesn't, or, at least, not any worse than most things."