Dial "M" for Motherfucker

Someone stole my wallet today. I had laughed about it before I had realized it was actually truly missing, thinking: gosh, that crackhead would be disappointed when he realized there was only 13 bucks in it. That cunt charged 100$ on my credit card for the subway. Asshole. The bank, luckily, cancelled the card and is going to refund me the money.

But I guess, at least, the speed tucked in my bedroom drawer is here to keep me entertained and off the many nagging thoughts of all the shit I'm going to have to do in the coming days. I'm on break from school right now until the end of January. It's nice to be away from everything. I've just been reading and hanging out with people.

I've finished two books by my favorite new author in the past 3 days. Tony O'neill is amazing. Read his shit. Ironically, his auto-biography is the least interesting of the 3, I've read. I think I like Down and Out on Murder Mile the best, with Sick City at a close second.

Anyway, hope you guys are having a better day than I am,

Sincerely (and stuff),

- Lucy

Dexy's Midnight Runners...

I'm feeling the speed rumble in my belly and up to my head. It's like an electric shock down my spine. I want to run and run and run until I collapse. God I love it. It feels like butterflies in my stomach and I want more. Damn, speed. I'm saving some for the city. One day, I'm going to take a lot. And travel around the city. Feel the sidewalk lift up under my feet. It'd be so perfect. Early fall, still warm out, with a bloodstream full of speed. I so rarely take it, but it's so good. Damn. Damn. I wish I had someone to share this with. But everyone I know is too skiddish or is trying to get off drugs. Well, I say fuck all of that. Well, I probably wouldn't. Today I watched my friend pass out and hit her head in Walmart. I heard that sharp crack, I couldn't catch her in time. She's alright. But I can't even fucking save my friend. I know I'm a shitty person. But now I don't care and speed doesn't either. Speed speed speed. It just sounds cool, haha. I feel bad for her though, I was so worried about her. Her eyes rolled back after she hit the floor. I was worried she was having a seizure, but she wasn't. She's fine now, her head just hurts. I almost went to the hospital with her but her mom arrived. I'm glad she's alright. I had to run and get the cigarettes out of her car so that her parents wouldn't see. That's kind of hilarious. I sprinted through the parking lot to get them and then sprinted back. My dad got more oxy today. Tomorrow perhaps I'll take some if I'm feeling down from the speed. I move into the city in a week. Fuck. I can't wait. Life is alright I guess, I'm just gonna ride this wave out until I fall asleep.

Drink Drank Punk

So... I couldn't sleep. Wow. Not really a surprise. Thought about taking some benzos to get me off to sleep, but I think it's all bad. I'm going to stay away from all of that shit for as long as I can, or unless this insomnia thing gets way out of hand. It's annoying as fuck.

Last night, I was puking my guts out on the pavement of Tompkins Square Park. I've been sick there once before, but that was 2 years ago. I was lying down, my other wasted friend Steven was flicking water on my face, keeping me awake, making sure I didn't pass out. Excessive alcohol consumption + caffeine + 110 degree weather = lots of puking. The first time I puked I was half laying down on the ground, the second time I was sitting up on a bench, and ended up puking on my boots. Nasty nasty stuff. My friend Milo was kind enough to get me to the subway and buy me a ride. I don't like drinking. Milo and I both have done a lot of drugs, I was (I'm pretty sure) yelling at him about how I hate alcohol and how I'd rather just get fucked up if I'm gonna be puking like this, etc. etc.. I think I was also harassing hipsters as we walked ot the subway. A water covered, vomit smelling, drunk punk kid being held up by her much larger, biker/GG Allin looking friend--we must have been some sight. Haha, but it was all in good fun. I've felt like shit all day, but i don't know I'm feeling a bit happier right now. I was down like an hour ago, but I think my mood has leveled off.

I got into Trash Bar this week to perform as well. It's this obscenely difficult to get into bar that hosts a lot of punk show, and being my 19 year old self, I was a tad concerned if I would REALLY get in. But my bf's band gave me stuff to carry, so that got me in the door. Once I was in the backroom where the stage was, it was super dark and I figured I was finally in the clear. Then some guy came up, one of the workers who checks ID. He asked us all to show him our IDs, and I was like: FUCK. I pretended to look for my wallet in my bag and calmly stated to my bf P that I must have left it at his house. The man then started shining hte light in my face, and asked me how old I am. It went down something like this:

Him (standing over me with a flashlight): How old are you?

(shines light on my face)

Me (bending over my bag, stand up): I'm 23.

(He continues to shine the light in my face)

Me (sticking out my tongue and opening my mouth wide): I feel like I'm at a Dr. appointment. How does my throat look?

He then laughed and stamped my hand. And history was made. In my mind.

Anyway, I'm going to try out this whole sleeping thing. Here's a poem I wrote tonight. It's terrible. Enjoy!

Another junky-child asleep on the asphalt

I could hear her shrill silent scream

It left the air empty

Like the dry heat of summer

I curled up in a ball beside her

The shallow moonlight lit the gray tracks of tears on the sheets

My loneliness played across the room

I tried to remember why Paris always seemed better at night

But then I let out another silent scream

For relief of this yearning

The deep-seated, empty belly syndrome

That left us on our knees every night

Praying at that empty altar

Waiting for a moment

Of pure silence

After the sermon had stopped

I found myself surrounded

By these thoughts

Too numerous to stop

The rambling of an amphetamine brain

But without the amphetamine

Tears seemed to fall slowly

Rolling down as if to savor the moment

That feeling of pure desire

The roll and ebb

Flowing up and down my spinal chord

Playing my body like a harp

And leaving my brain to reel

Now there is no scream

Just silence

An empty mind

Which now only simmers.

Trading Sleep for Writing

It feels so good and so bad at the same time. I feel like I’m trying to pull apart my brain, figuring out how to compartmentalize my life. Shoving out the bad thoughts, and trying to let him in so that I can wash away the dirty feeling on the back of my neck. I thought I was doing so well, but I’m back at stage one. All I want is to get high. Not when I’m around him, when I’m around him I could just be sober forever. I feel like I just use people as bandages, as something in between drugged out delusions. Every day I seem to wake up and hate myself a bit more, hate myself for pretending to be clean. Yeah, I’m not Chloe, I didn’t OD last week, but damn, I’m not sober. I’m just bouncing from day to day hoping that I’m too tired or like myself enough to just go to sleep, so that I don’t have to actually work to stay away from shit. And when it’s sitting in your bedside table, you can’t help but think “just a little, just a little bit more.” But one day it’s all used up, and you’re more gone you realized. I know I’m not special. I’m just a product of the suburbs, the place that probably provides the best childhood and then the worst youth in the world. Right now, I’m so tired, I’m just going to go to sleep. Sober. And when I wake up, I’ll feel better. Maybe. Hopefully, that’s the one thing I want some more of. Just a bit more hope.

To be Young (Is to be sad, Is to be high)

I turned off all the lights. The only light was from the computer and the TV--of course on mute.

"To Be Young" is the only sound. Running my fingers through my hair, I turned on the light.

I usually get high at night. In fact, I really only get high in the evening/night. I like the alone time, in the darkness, no one there to bother me. That is the one bad thing about me and like speed because damn, it is stupid to do speed in the evening. It wasn't the clean all night feeling I got from E, it felt dirty. I felt the sweat pouring off my body noticeably. Now obviously, my speed is a lot less combinations of drugs than E. But still, that's uncomfortable.

Honestly, I know why I'm getting high tonight. It's because I just have been seriously hating myself for the past few days. I feel like my self-loathing creeping up my back, over my shoulder, and around my neck. Today's started with the fact that, honestly, P does not fuck me as much as I would like. Perhaps it the age difference? Perhaps he doesn't think I want to? But, it makes you feel like a royal asshole trying to lead someone on, and they are unresponsive. We only fucked like TWICE. GODDAMNIT, I AM 19, THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. Haha, seriously though, now I have to like talk to him about it, which is fine, it's not that big a deal, but still kind of sucks. And then he kind of nicely hinted that he wanted me to leave. Granted, I did spend the night and stayed at his place until like 6 or so the next day. He is my boyfriend, and he does have to go to bed early since he does go to work at 3 am, and I'm sure he just wanted some time alone before he went to sleep... yeah, alright. So, that actually makes sense. I just don't want to feel like I'm somehow hassling him with my presence. I don't know. We're hanging out on Friday. Whatever. I still feel shitty. I will feel the same when whatever I decide to pop wears off. And now maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go to sleep. It's more of a thing taking them the actual effects of the drug.

Well, I'm going to go decide and either way just lie down.

Goodnight...

- Lucy

Hightime

I'm high. My mosquito bites are itching like no other. That's what you get for smoking weed in the woods at dusk. It's alright though. I kinda forced my friend to go to the woods to smoke, I like it there. It's quiet and calm, lots of bunnies and raspberry bushes. When I was a kid, my best friend's family always went hiking in the woods every weekend and I'd go with them. Walking across fallen trees, and picking berries, and running after the dogs. I know being from New Jersey, people don't think of that kind of shit, but that's how my child hood was. That's how my town is. It's all surrounded by woods. Behind my friend's house, there's a reservoir in the middle of the woods. We went swimming there a week ago. We smoked right before, and I only went in to my waist. I don't like how weed makes me feel anymore, almost ever. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep, I sweat, feel like I'm gonna puke. I don't know why.

Mike and I aren't dating anymore. He relapsed. He didn't tell me. A mutual friend did after we broke up. The last time we were dating and hanging out, I knew he was high. His eyes were pinned from first seeing him. When we were on the bus, he said he had some oxy. He then proceeded to show me the pills as we sat side by side. I didn't really want to do them. And I said that. But I also didn't want HIM to do them, however, I knew not to say that. If you've had your mind set on it, you're bound to do it. He popped them both in front of me. Now, first off, he called them "roxy" which they're not. They're not roxycodone, which I did a few years ago, they're little blue coated pills--with an ambien like shell. They're oxy. The same kind I did tonight. Fuck man, I don't even know if I want to continue this story. He scratched his stomach until it bled later on. He dumped over the entire ash tray as he nodded off. He treated me like shit. I would rather been booted in the face, than go through that again. Fuck. Whatever. I saw him two weeks later at this big show they have every year in NYC, called "Punk Island." It's fun. Hot. Poorly planned. But free. It's fucking punk island, you can't expect much more. He was surprised when I wasn't "friendly" towards him. His eyes were pinned. He looked at me dull and glazed, and I threw fire at him. I didn't want to see him.

I haven't been high in a long time. On oxy. I did try speed for the firs time like a week ago. And when I said speed. I mean SPEED. Dextroamphetamine. Actually, I got a hold of some shit from the 70s, these dexamyl capsules. What they are is a combo of dextroamphetamine and amobarbitol. Basically, the speed keeps you wired/happy/talkative, while the barbiturate keeps the edge off and is supposed to help you get to sleep. Well, I was up for like over 24 hours, by the end I wanted to kill everyone in sight. C'est pas bon. I don't know, I have two more, I told my friend that we'd do them for this concert that's coming up in August. Should be interesting if nothing else.

Also, the most interesting news of recent, is that I am dating someone new. I'll call him P. He's cute, funny, driven (he's in 3 fucking bands, and has a full time job, and does stand up comedy), 28, and super fucking nice to me. I mean, he's just an all around great guy. Which is what I need after all of Mike's drama. But he only like smokes weed and drinks beer. So, I don't want to do drugs while with him... this is the first time. I got it in my head. I had a pill. Whatever. Just once, without talking to him or anyone else (besides all of you... or just myself... or whoever ends up reading it), isn't so bad.

I feel shitty about myself. I guess. I don't know how I landed him. Everyone is so fucked up and yet not. I've made some more friends in the punk scene, which is cool, and I guess normal. There's this one girl though, she reminds me of my friends from high school who were all super druggies. Like, I have to say, I have a sense about teenage girls who do drugs. There is just a vibe. I don't know. This morning I woke up. P laid there curled up facing away from me. It was one of his two days off per week, I wanted to let him sleep. I looked at him though, and I just felt like he didn't want me (now remember he's sleeping) to touch him. Like he just wanted to get away from me. And I laid there, and thought to myself Yeah, you're just a junky piece of shit. He doesn't want to be anywhere near you, you junky piece of shit. ETC. ETC. ad infinitum. That's the one mantra that I have. It fucking goes off whenever I feel unwanted. I do believe it and I don't. It's strange. I feel good though. For now. Fuck I feel good. It doesn't bother me right now. Nothing does. I feel a bit guilty, or I will, or I did, but right now I don't.

I watched the skyline pass by my train window tonight. The sky was a green gray and I felt like it all made sense. Because it does. I am home. Here. America. New Jersey. My hometown. New York City. And as I sit besides my friend on the curb side, her head sagging against her knees and she drunkenly sleeps, I know that there is no other place for me to go. I am simply here.

I hope you all have a lovely 4th of July!

This probably is super disjointed. I will add more sense to it sometime this week. I promise. I'm going to try and blog once a week from now on. I think it's good for me.

Check ya later,

- Lucy

Sucking at blogging...

There is much happening and little happening all at the same time... after finals are done I will make a lovely blog about the month of November and what a good little girl I'm being here in Paris.

= P

Love you guys!

- Lucy... = )

Back to square 1.

I smoked some hash, so I haven't decided if it means me breaking my sobriety or not. I'd like to say 35 days! But... I don't think I can. I don't think I believe it. So, I'll start over again. Today is day 1. Anyway, here's this thing I wrote, I'm really digging it, I think it definitely captures how I'm feeling at this point in my life:

It's that over-powering tug of war that you play in your mind. One side of you is dragging you by the arm, as you're kicking your feet trying to stop them from taking you away, and your heels are dragging, but you can't seem to stand back up, so you're just kind of flailing there. And the other side of you is trying not to get kicked, and just wants to grab a hold of your feet, but it's forced to dodge the blows you're about to give it. Hands darting in and out, around your soaking wet sneakers, unable to grasp them.

The snow is cold, and it seeps into your pants, slowly the black asphalt is sloughed away, where you've been struggling. The sky is really dark, pitch black. A few clouds are there, but the moon can't seem to be seen and it's so cold. That smell of crisp winter keeps hitting you in the face, smacking the inside of your nose. But the struggle continues.

And when I stare down into the face of temptation, where the decision has to be made, that part that's dragging me away always seem to win. No matter how much I flail and flop about and try hard to stand back up, I'm being taken off my feet at every move. My friend becomes my enemy, and they hold in their hands the key to my destruction. I stare at it. I feel that dirty feeling. It's creeping back again. Over my shoulder, into my hair, through my ears, and swathing my brain in warm cotton. I stare at it. It's not my first choice.

And my other friend is pulling my arm for me stand up, to get going, to back away from it. But I can't. It's filling my eyes. My brain is locked in. I've got that junky tunnel-vision. Nothing is going to stop me from this. All other logical senses are shut off, as the brain back-fires and restarts trying to pull the plan together.

My arm feels a weird ache and I think back. Back to the bathroom and the needle and the simple formula. I miss it. I feel it in my face and my brain and my heart feels like someone's stomping on it, like you've ripped it out and shoved it back in at the wrong angle. And all I can feel is want. No emotion seems to rest in me besides need and desire and that feeling of emptiness.

The future seems empty. Without that feeling to push me forward. On towards Tuesday, and Friday, and Sunday, towards the day when I will feel this on my own.

And so I sit in the Parisian park with my friends. It's cold and dark out and the lights are glowing. Our drinks are warm and our throats burn. So I stare at the hash. I think about 35 days. I reflect on the fact that I haven't been clean for this long since I kneeled at the foot of the toilet, that first time at 16, heaving out bile with my father in the door way asking if I was alright.

So I put it to my lips and inhale. And now all that's left is a need. It's worse than before. I can't take it. Those thoughts pile in again.

Still I'm there, struggling in the snow, with my arms pulled up above my head, and my stomach exposed to the bite of the cold wind. I wonder if it's better to just let them drag me off, to give in, it seems like less of a hassle at the moment.

But I remember, it'll only get worse when it's gone. All of these moments will only double ten-fold, and I won't even stand a chance, so I continue the struggle. I know it's futile. Maybe one day, I'll finally be able to wriggle out on to the asphalt, turning around and stand up, to limp home and hang my damp clothes in the bathroom. That bathroom that used to be my home away from home, but now it's just a bathroom and a memory. You can still see the specks of blood on the light fixture if you look up there, I couldn't clean them all off. I wouldn't want them to go though, I need to know that it wasn't a dream. Not something I cooked up in a teenager's head for some poor excuse for attention. Teenage angst crushed into a vein, and splattered up on the walls.

I can't tell if I want the struggle to end. At the moment, I'll keep flailing and flopping, just to make sure I have enough time to finally make up my mind.

Sometimes I read the blogs of people who have kids that are junkies. I feel bad for them. I feel bad for my parents, too, in a way. I don't know. Weird shit. It doesn't hit home so much for me, cause of my parents really ignoring the facts. And that pisses me off now, because if someone had really tried to stop me, I might not be having as hard a time. I know, I can't blame other people. And I'm not. It was my choice. But at 16, I really didn't realize what I was getting into fully. It's some dumb shit.

I can't sleep right now. Laying in bed, pulling at my skin, curling into a ball, trying to make the thoughts go away. It's so much need right now. It's unbearable. It's like I want to crawl out of my own skin. That hash has made my cravings 20 times worse. I think about drinking some vodka, to help me sleep, but that is BAD. BAD BAD BAD. I can't use alcohol like that. I will become an alcoholic. I really need to finish that bottle off, and get alcohol out of my room. I feel like I"m about to rip off the skin on my face and arms and stomach, just grabbing at it and pulling on it. I can't take tonight. All of my muscles want to tense up and I just want to curl up into a ball and get high. I need to get high. But mostly, right now, I need to sleep.

What keeps me from getting high, if you're really wondering, is that I'm really fucking afraid of scoring on the streets. Especially in a country where I don't know the language, it's just scary. And in NYC, although I know the language, I don't know, I'm too nervous about getting ripped off on the streets or getting arrested. Damn, I want it so bad right now.

Hopefully, I can get over the hump... the one good thing is that, a little hash, isn't gonna take me back to square one depression wise. I'm just hoping the intensity of my cravings goes away in a few days (preferably tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath).

Anyway guys, I'll talk to you tomorrow, hope you have a better night than I am!

- Lucy

Depression...

I just want to go home, to New York. I don't wanna be here. I'm so lonely man, and bored. And I have to drag people to do shit with me, and it just makes me feel shitty and dirty and unwanted. I hate tonight. I hate today.

And I don't wanna finish my drink, because everyone fucking left, and I don't wanna drink alone when I'm upset. I know that's bad. Today is bad.

I just hate this depression man. I hate it so much.

25 days... so you get a video?!

DON'T WATCH THIS IF YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC

YOU WILL BE OFFENDED.

DON'T READ THE REST OF MY BLOG POST, IN FACT...

YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED AGAIN.

So... today I was done early with classes because I had my exam today. Basically, I got home around like 12:30 and have just been chilling out ever since. Cooked some lunch, put the dishes away, and put more money on my phone... Today is blah. I don't like how my brain is beginning to lean towards alcohol as a way to calm itself. That whole flipping the switch thing is something I wanna keep away from alcohol, 'cause that's just a bad bad trap I could fall into. Honestly, I should really stay away from that and oddly enough caffeine. I have begun to drink coffee as if it were a drug, and I just want to feel that burst of energy... BAD. So, in short, anything addictive I gotta keep away from my body for the next I'd say month or so at the least, just to make sure I really will be alright. I know that once I get over this first hump of shittiness, staying sober will become a lot easier task, it's always those first few months that can really make or break you.

Also, just so you can see my man, here's a pic of us together:

Yeah... we're cute like that. = P

Anyway, I'll probably update in a bit, out of boredom.

Check ya guys later!

- Lucy = )

HOLIDAY IN THE SUN

I'm sorry guys, I've been off away being my crazy young self. Not much news to report... Prom is in two days, so I'll actually have some time that day alone in the house to tell you all about the past like month and a half. I got a job, and its taking up all my time... I HATE WORKING. But I love you all!

Sorry, check ya later!

- Lucy!!

P.S. Haha, I had to listen to you Gleds! = )

I've been killing my brain cells!

I keep killing my brain cells. I won't have any by the end of senior year. I'm just bashing them into alcohol and weed and pills and whatever I can get my hands on. It's kind of entertaining. I like drinking and smoking and chilling out. I've been to a few parties recently... no shows, sadly... and a whole lot of couches. I'm out drinking the best of 'em and smoking with the platinum level stoners. It's come to the point now where my brain at the moment is just perpetually on the fritz, causing me some speech and spelling dumbness. I'm also way way sick.

Fuck, I have no idea what to talk about.

I went to the city and posted/handed out some fliers to some hot crusties (4 of 'em, who seemed quite into my birthday show). Oh, how I love them. I have to find a prom date now, not that they would be it, but I just thought of it. I have to get a dress, too, and shoes. Fuck, I have to do homework at somepoint this week. At least one thing is for sure, I'M GOING TO NYU. Yup, you're favorite little-junky-stoner-dumbass-punk kid. I'm such a weirdo, so its kind of the perfect place.

Fuck, I'm waking up early tomorrow, hopefully I'll find something for my brain to make this next  posting worth while.

Love you all!

Lucy

Its Been Awhile

So, I haven't written in a bit, I've been a bit depressed just a lot of shit going on, here's the list:

(BTW, I smoked some hash a little while ago at my friend's house, and its impeding my abilities, so I apologize in advance.)

I TURNED 18.

Zack and I broke up. He'd basically been treating me like shit for about 3 weeks, to the point where I cried on my birthday, the next day, and monday. Terrible Terrible shit. This goes into my next note:

So, I met the cutest guy at the mall yesterday afternoon. His name is Wade, he's a recovered junky, he's SUPER cute, he has a Crass tattoo (the first reason I talked to him) and lots of other homemade and professional tattoos, and I now know his life story. Anyway, I'm going to be back at the mall on friday to buy another book for English class, so I guess I'll possibly "bump" into him.

I got my ear pierced! It only has taken me 18 years to do it. = )

I've been writing limericks, which may be illustrated by a real graphic artist. = )

The musical is on the weekend and so I'm kind of stressing, although the director is always really cool with me and is always telling me how good I am. Haha, its one of the perks of being a bassist because everyone knows what you're playing (and if you're really fucking it up, which is the downside).

I got into Gettysburg College today, too, which is pretty sweet! And I got a merit scholarship, which is also sweet.

Tanzen may have found us a hook up for whatever we want in the city, still have to talk to some people though. I'm hoping that she does it on her own, sometimes she can be really shy and shit. But, I love the kid, and I'll see her tomorrow.

Check ya later alligator, I'm hitting the hay,

Lucy! (now legal)

<3

Devil's Playground

I'm still sick. My mind is still awash with my own shortcomings, but it's not as bad as it was. I wish I had gone to school today. I'm also pissed at myself because I'm going to miss pit orchestra practice tonight (I'm shooting my conductor an e-mail as we speak). Anyway, I feel like doing updates an all of the different drug schemes that are floating around my friends and world:

JUNK

This girl who is considered a creep and a snitch went to rehab. She's friends with a few of my friends, and is totally in love with my friend Helen (who happens to be straight, haha). I'll call her "Hannah." Anyway, she went away, and was considered a terrible influence because she got someone else I know into E. I never got the appeal of E, but whatever, to each their own. Anyway, she was sent off to rehab in December or November, but the reason was never really open for discussion or known. The other day me and my other friend are talking, and he tells me that she was in rehab for junk. Now, this wasn't a surprise. I've known that there was H in my town since like 8th grade, but I didn't know anyone who was into it besides my good friend's older sister and aunt/uncle who are junkies. This explains a lot because "Hannah's" facebook always had weird shit on it like, her girlfriend saying, "you know sharing needles is uncool blah blah blah talk to me." I thought that was funny at the time, because really, you wouldn't delete that comment.

PILLS

I don't know if I talked about Nina's forays into opiates, but I will now. That child is ridiculous occasionally. She's sitting infront of me in class scratching. Constantly scratching. Finally, I ask her what she's on. She says vicodin. I'm like, dude, that's the reason you're itchy. Apparently this surprised her, haha. Anyway, I didn't think she liked opiates at all. But, she's trying to buy some percs from this girl in our grade. Lauren told me, and so I texted Nina to see if I could get in on it, and she told me to talk to the girl. Here's the thing, Nina is friends with everyone, and everyone likes her, most people know me, but not personally, and not everyone likes me. I don't know why I couldn't just giver her fucking money, and she could get me shit. Anyway, I dropped it after I asked her how much a pill and what the mgs were, and she obviously had no idea.

Silly kid, pills are for adults.

COKE

Nothing on this front to speak of. Still too afraid of M. Haha, I'm such a coward. After I get some money for my b-day, I'll see about speaking to her.

SALVIA

Worried about Tanzen having that in her possession.

1.) She can be impulsive.

2.) She has never taken any kind of psychedelics.

3.) I don't want her parents finding it, and her getting in trouble.

I love Tanzen, but that child better not get into trouble, haha. She needs people to watch her back.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I worked on my vest and put on some nice stencils and shit. I'm going to post pictures of the process... because who wouldn't want to see that? No one. That's who. = ) Also, I'm in a way better mood than yesterday. I'm going to work on Latin and English and shit, and just get done with my homework so I don't have to worry about it. My dad's being annoying, but whatever, he's leaving this afternoon, so I'll have the house to myself.

I'm just chilling out at the moment, watching TV. My stomach is hurting like a bitch, and my throat is really sore. It's not much of a party, but I'm trying to stay content. I've been drawing a lot, which is always good. Playing some guitar. Just trying to keep myself sane and happy.

= )

I hope you guys are having a great week!

Love,

- Lucy

BTW, the stencils on my jacket are: GB CREW (on the back, under the collar), Circle Jerks (I did the lettering, which I'm proud of), The Germs (it's a dog with it's tongue sticking out), Stiff Little Fingers (not really though, before the stencil said fuck you under it, but my mom got upset, so I took that part off of it), The Stooges, The Ramones (I did some nice cross stitches on that patch, its really cool looking in my opinion), then there is my Zero Boys pin and my Bomb the Mall patch (just a slogan). I'm pretty happy, I'll probably add more studs and shit, but otherwise, it's pretty much complete. = )

Glue Man

I have been going on an emo-teenage bender these past two weeks. I feel like crap about everything. I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate how I look, I can see nothing good in anything I do. And, being that this is the technology age, and this is my emo week, I wanna tell it to all of the people I look up to over the internet. Oh yeah, it's like a motherfucking emo-dial, ready to freak people out. Luckily, I'm fairly aware of how bad this will make me look, so I'm keeping it to my good friends and shit and not going on about it on myspace or facebook or anything else.

Not to mention I have strep throat, which is really only adding to my cheery demeanor.

Anyway, this weekend I went to Tanzen's 18th birthday party. We met up early to go to a book signing in the city, which we bailed on about 2 hours into and gave the books to her sister who works at the cafe attached to the bookstore to get the books signed. Walked over to the Strand and I bought another Irvine Welsh book, HARDCOVER, for 5 bucks. God, I love used book stores. Then we wandered down to the salvation army and I got a brand new flannel for 3 bucks. Jordan texted me and told me that ARCHY was down at ABC for the show. I had already told him I would go down and say hey and shit, so we walked down and I ruminated on the idea of a possible fight. Got down there and said hey to Jordan, who was steaming over her presence at the show and seemed to be going into a state of testosterone filled rage. I stood there and he paced a bit around saying hey to people, kind of acknowledging me kind of not, just kind of speaking and not really giving a fuck that I was there. I said hey to Emz too, who is a 14 year old I've befriended and given protection from the Crew. Good kid, smart, I just told her not to get into too much trouble. Anyway, after saying hey to people there, the management was yelling for people to go around the corner or go inside, we weren't paying, so we walked up to a Diner to grab some fries and sodas. My feet were killing me by now because of the fishnets I was wearing. We walked for another 45 minutes to Thompson street to go to Generation Records. A store in front of which I promptly put on pants to keep my legs warm. Yes, I almost striped on the street, but not really because I had on my dress still. Tanzen also took some hot photos of me in the process, haha. Went in there and I bought a new Zero Boys button, I just love them and they aren't appreciated enough and don't have merchandise in a lot of places. 

During this time I kept smoking, I have a bad habit of smoking a lot if I have a pack. I don't usually have smokes, but when I do I chain smoke them, haha. Finally, after lots of walking we went up town and did all the shit for the party. All of us kids hung out, I saw most people I knew, and if I didn't know them, I quickly did. Haha, I'm good at mingling. This guy was serving up tequilla from the bar, and he was being obnoxious as shit about it and making everyone, including myself, drink it straight. I don't like tequilla. I will only drink whiskey straight. So, I drank it, but I kind of just sipped it, I don't usually force alcohol down. I probably had 4 or 5 shots, and so I was feeling a bit inebriated by the time the party winded down. I was then forced to go to the Marriot, I good 6 or 7 blocks away and ride the glass elevator, which was cool, but a long fucking walk. When we arrived in Brooklyn I was tired, Molly was puking in the subway station, and Commie (yes, as in he is a Communist and people call him Commie) was getting a bit touchy-feely, so when we got back to Tanzen's house I headed upstairs and fixed the futon up and got into bed fast. There was a bit of discussion over whether or not the leaves that Irina gave her were Salvia, which they are. I told Tanzen not to do anything stupid. The next morning, Tanzen, me, and Marci went on the subway. On which I was informed that it was a surprise to Marci how intelligent I am. This made me laugh, and I told her that tequilla happens to lower my IQ. We hadn't talked at all at the party, and the most words I had said to her in the morning were probably me yelling at her and Tanzen to shut the fuck up or I was going to beat them up, because I was trying to sleep and I was a bit hungover (haha, I'm not a morning person).

What I guess could be the most important part of this was what we actually talked about the day before, and how it coincided with our train ride once it was just Tanzen and I. I started talking to Tanzen about the whole coke situation, blah blah, and how M makes me fucking nervous as shit, how I don't know how to contact her without her verbally abusing me over the phone (haha, sad but true, this girl scares the shit out of me). Tanzen said something that legit scared the shit out of me, and is making me feel a bit guilty and glad that I haven't given her any drugs or anything besides weed (and hydros, but only once, because lets face it, I'm selfish and I feel guilty when I fuck her up. Ironically, my own selfish intentions, are helping her). She said this to me, "Weed is known as a 'gateway drug,' and I've been standing in the door way for far too long." My immediate reaction mentally was, "WOAH! I didn't realize that she really felt like this. Is this my fault? Have my own stupid stories and drug problems and shit causing my friend to think that harder drugs are the answer to her problems? Fuck..." It actually soured me to the thought of drugs for the entire day. I just thought about how much I love Tanzen, she's my best friend, and how I don't want to be the reason for her ever having a drug problem. At the same time, I crave a partner in crime, but it's not bad enough for me to want to risk her in the process. I mean, I'm a dumbass, I make bad choices constantly. I keep fucking up sobriety, as I did today, as I did two weeks ago. I keep ending up depressed and feeling like shit and not letting myself long enough time to normalize, before I just fuck my brain up again. I don't want this for her, and I don't want her to be in any way drug-dependent. I have been known to be easily able to influence people into doing dumb shit, I've always been a good talker, and I can talk up my own shit. Is my mouth gonna fuck up my friends. I don't know.

I worry about this shit. I worry about her. I worry that I got high yesterday (it was today, but I guess now it's Tuesday morning) and it barely changed my feeling towards the world. I am actually pretty sick, which sucks. I am going to be 18 in 5 days. Holy fuck. For 5 more days I am still just a minor threat.

I'm trying to stay positive and not do anything dumb.

Love you guys and hope you guys are having better days than me!

- Lucy

Elevation

It was a half day today, so we got out at 12... I filled up my car with gas at the sketchy gas station. I couldn't understand the Indian man with the really thick accent there. Situations like that intimidate me because I feel bad, having to say, "What??" After that ordeal, I landed at Lauren's house, and we waited and waited and WAITED for Nina to come over or for Zack to be ready. But, Lauren and I decided to fuck it and we walked out and started to smoke. However, her pipe is really shitty and hard to take big pulls off of, so we stopped and right as we did, Nina appeared with two joints. She wanted to hike up this big hill, but Lauren and I were both hesitant (it's the size of a mini-mountain, very stiff and slippery due to leaf litter, and we would be high). 

Anyway, we got outside and we went to this fort in the wood that the neighbors built. We got inside and smoked the two joints at the same time, which was hard and annoying. Haha, Lauren was impressed with Nina's "craftsmanship," because she used magazine for the filters. So, after smoking both of them we headed onward. After much climbing, and my own issues, as I tried to mount it on my hands and feet (I felt like such an animal, I was also positive I was gonna fall down and die, haha, but it was still fun). When we reached the top, which is near the road, we found some animal bones. As we dug them up it was really funny, because this man legit slowed down to a stop and just stared at us. We all decided that he might be about to call the cops, so we better get the last of the bones and head back down. (During this time we also had to keep stopping Nina from lighting the woods on fire, haha). 

We got home and ate cheese doodles (which are apparently MADE OF REAL CHEESE, which was an exciting discovery, haha) and we watched dumb videos on youtube which were supposed to "enhance" our high and make the walls move and shit. It did that somewhat, but it was hard for me to focus on it and I kept getting distracted. Also, there was one where the guy kept talking and I couldn't handle it, I was laughing hysterically and shit. IT WAS RIDICULOUS. After way too much of that, I decided that it was 3 and I better get home to do homework and practice bass and go to pit practice. 

Zack was still MIA until I was driving home when he texted me. I kind of fought with him last night, and was in a shitty mood. I felt bad taking it out on him, but I didn't on some level. He kind of deserved it. He didn't understand that the fact that he didn't give me my Valentine's present wasn't about WHAT it was, but that he got it thinking of me. Also, I mean, it's super late. Apparently he spent 30 dollars on it, or at least that's what Lauren remembers him saying.

Today at school, due to African American History month, we had some of the African American students speak and we had a reverend speak. This one guy did, whose super cool, and everyone loves him. I could definitely see him as the president of the United States, he's so charismatic and intelligent, we've always believed that he would become a politician. The Reverend sucked balls, he had no idea what to say, and you could see he was freaking out. This other girl sang and she was AMAZING. It was so impressive. My friends thought it was actually pretty good, which I was surprised about, seeing as how my friends can have a hard time taking stuff like that seriously.

I have pit practice later... ugh... I haven't practiced at all. I am so lazy in that respect. I haven't done any homework either and I'm still a bit high. It's hard for me to handle focusing on shit when I'm this tired. I think I'm gonna nap for 30 minutes and then practice... and then eat...

FOOD. haha. Oh man, I'm going to have no brain cells by the time I'm 20...

I reminded Nina to pay back the other Nina, because she shorted her about 7 bucks, and it was a sale. I feel bad when I tell people shit like that because occasionally they get offended when I'm like, "Yo, so and so was talking about you doing this, and you need to fix it before they get pissed." I can't help it, when I'm high I just want to play the middle man, but it can be bad.

Anyway, I'm going to go and take a nap or watch tv, and waste some more of my time. I'll take pictures of the bones once they are bleached.

Love,

- Lucy = )

I tried to find videos of "Elevation" by Television, but all of the ones on youtube aren't the real band or are of U2... how lame. Anyway, you should look up Television, one of my favorite bands and Tom Verlaine, the lead singer, is from my hometown. = )

Rudie Can't Fail

I've been listening to the Clash all day. If you wanna know a few songs I really like, if you don't know the Clash that well, check out: "Rudie Can't Fail," "Hateful," "Lost in the Supermarket," "Clash City Rockers," and "SPANISH BOMBS." I love Spanish Bombs, when we were in middle school, Nina would always sing, haha. = )

I was gonna go to that show last night, but on Friday my Papa texted me telling me that it was 18+ and Keith told me. Haha, and then I complained to Justin about it. It was an interesting hour of conversations to say the least, but Justin and Jay cheered me up. = )

Anyway, on Saturday I hung with Lauren, who thought she was on her death bed due to her terrible sinus infection. We watched random ass shit on TV, and then some Flight of the Conchords (which is one of my favorite shows, but I can only watch it on youtube because I don't have HBO = (. Her parents made seafood and steak to celebrate her dad's promotion, which is really good for her family, and so it was a really good meal. Obviously, haha, we had a very romantic dinner. Zack took me out on thursday, and I think I'm going to bake him a cake as his present for V-day.

Then on Sunday I travelled into Brooklyn, and mass-transit was working fairly well, which made me happy. Santina was going to hang with us, but then couldn't because her mom wouldn't let her. Tanzen and I met up and she gave me a Valentine, it had this little card which said, "You know that I will love you no matter what you do. Just make your choices wisely and to yourself be true! I love you!" I just feel guilty for making her worry and shit. I don't know, I feel guilt for telling people shit, I know people care, even when I feel like a mediocre shit head, people give a fuck about me. Thats a good thing because I've realized that a lot of my issues are due to my fucked up relationship with my dad. I've realized that my distance from him in my childhood due to his work in China and in CA has made me hate him in some ways, because when he came back and wanted to be my dad it just didn't make any sense. I love him, I just wish he could be more like he was when I was a kid and not some crazed old man, who I hate.

It was just me, Tanzen, and her sis. No one else was around so we got a wee-bit drunk, and watched Empire Records and then we walked around their neighborhood in search of coffee. It was fun we played this card game called "haberdashy" (no not a men's hat shop). It's like gin-rummy without having to take turns, so its a lot faster and so much fun. We gave each other nicknames, I was "Rebel" because of my cliched can-throw onto a lawn we passed. Tanzen's sis said to me, "Oh, RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE." Haha, and so we all laughed about it, "I was like, oh yeah, that's how I role. Yeah, I'm not even gonna pick it up." We all joke about me and my "hardcoreness" because I prefer not to fight with my parents and I get good grades and shit like that. I mean, I'm a good kid, with a few flaws, haha, and people think its funny that I am a "punk." The next day we woke up and wanted to go to Voxpop, our favorite coffee shop. It's an awesome place! It's where I got my anarchist calendar there last year, haha (now think about THAT). But, its not serving food due to some trouble with the city of NYC, so we went to this other place. Not as good, but cheap, and we found a table to eat and play cards at.

Right now, my fellow GB Crew member and I, Hughie are discussing plans for the weekend, crew t-shirts, and his band. I'm thinking that his band might play my b-day show, because I'd love it, and it'd make me happy. They said that I could make their shirts for them, which is awesome to me. I made our crew's t-shirts, I drew the stencil, and we're all going to have one.

I know it's pretty sexy across my "lovely rack" with my classy flannel. At the moment I'm wearing that flannel with obnoxious new plaid pants.

At the moment I am also talking to my friend Nina (not the one pictured) about her ex who just called and said he has HPV, and that she gave it to him, or he gave it to her, or something. She apparently came back clean last time she was tested, but she'll probably get tested again, which is good. I worry about her, she's one of my dearest friends, and someone I've been good friends with since we were 11. Nina and I are fucked up in different ways, she was diagnosed with nymphomania after being raped at 15. She went to therapy and is now doing really well, and is basically cured, which is great! She's a lot happier now I think. She's dealing now, which kind of makes me sad, but its alright I guess. I tell people to buy from her and stuff, I don't know, I just try to be helpful. She almost had someone come to my street and buy from her tonight, and I told her absolutely not. I don't know, but that's invading my space, and its one thing to do it with my friends outside my house, if they were already here hanging, but some random girl who is only an acquaintance of mine is a definite NO. Lauren was trying to goad me into saying it was okay, but I stood my ground and Nina was cool with it. Her, Lauren, and Sam came over tonight and we played cards and watched clips of Maury on youtube. I have to post this one video it was AMAZING.

I'm wathing intervention and talking to people online. It's almost too entertaining for my drug addled brain. After this I'll probably read some blogs, do some sudoku, play some guitar, and then maybe around 3 or so I'll go to sleep. I like fighting sleep, haha, it makes me happy.

With my new darker hair, I wanna try new makeup, haha. I put on mixed lilac, teal, and dark blue eyeshadow together, which made my features darker. I kinda like it. I also brought some new red lipstick, because I'm so pale and now have dark hair, the combination with dark makeup kinda looks really good. Haha, I don't know, I love trying new makeup, it's entertaining.

= )

Well, guys, I love you all!

I hope you had a fabulous weekend!

Love, 

- Lucy

HEY ASSHOLES!

Anons!

I don't care what you say. 

If you're losers enough to come to my blog and make comments about how I look, well, it doesn't really matter. Have you ever thought that nobody cares? Because I definitely don't.

You need to get a life.

= )

Ironically, I get guys and I get their numbers. Obviously, not yours. But, I wouldn't want to do anything with someone who is loser enough to spend their time commenting anonymously on teenagers' blogs.

Seriously?

Come on now, lets all be real.

"The clothes that I wear, and the color of my hair, I'm a rocker."

If anyone can name the artist and the name of the song, I'll be quite impressed.

I'll give ya a hint. They're English. = )

BTW, excuse my face, its all unmade up because I'm about to go to bed. = )

Okay, so, beyond the lovely song reference. Yes, I have new hair. It is not as pink as it was over the summer, but still quite a nice shade, with the rest of my head being a dark, dark blue. If I had bleached it, as always, it would have been better, but it works.

I gots my report card (notice the irony) this week. I made the honor roll. = ) And I got As in half of my classes, which means that I got As in two APs, and Bs in the other two. GOOD SHIT.

Today, sadly, I found out that the show I wanted to go to was 18+... FUCK MY AGE. Even Justin, my dream-man, who is all of 39 years (you wouldn't guess he's a day over 27, though), was pissed for me, he was like, "What, you miss it by like 2 weeks?!" We were agreeing on the unfairness, and Papa Jay was preaching patience to me over texting. Haha, oh my heroes, always helping me through rough mental states.

This week I also punched all my mediocrity away, in the form of the wall. Which made me feel a lot better at the time, but now the cut on my finger from it kind of burns and I'm almost all out of bandaids...

I was so suped to go get really trashed and go to the show, so now I only get to get really trashed and possibly wander the streets with Tanzen. Oh, its sad. Let me tell you. I have more news about my own desire to get FUBAR this weekend, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow if things go as planned. Crossing my fingers and hoping I make the right decision.

I'm tried, my eye is burning, and I'm ready for sleep. I'll talk to you guys hopefully tomorrow.

= )

Love ya!

Lucy

Pass the Puck

(I'm going back to blog titles that are the titles of songs, Pass the Puck is by Two Man Advantage, a Long Island Hardcore Band)

Thanks Gledwood for the "Honest Scrapper" Award. Here are 10 things which probably won't surprise you...

1. ) The first time I dyed my hair, when I got home, my father stood in the door way yelling "FREAK!" at me and then shutting the door. He kept doing this until I got inside. (I was coming home after being away for 6 weeks, haha)

2. ) I started playing bass at the age of 13, and I still have the same teacher. It's weird, but awesome none the less.

3. ) My first trip was spent listening to the song "Stay With Me" by Rod Stewart and the Small Faces... on repeat for hours. That song is AMAZING.

4. ) I have a thing for arms and stomachs on men. Zack isn't as muscular as I would like, but his stomach is really nice.

5. ) My favorite movie is "Trainspotting" and I can basically repeat it word for word.

6. ) Some of my friends call me "Nugget" because they think that's what my head looks like... and occasionally I respond to it.

7. ) My favorite pair of shoes are my Doc Martens. They make me feel like I can beat up anyone.

8. ) My goal, besides going to college: have everyone in the NYC punk scene know my name, and think highly of me. (haha, I don't want to be like Jess, but I won't go into that)

9. ) I am in love with this guy named Justin, he's about double my age (even though he looks about 27), and I've met his wife... I kind of have a thing for older guys.

10. ) My friends have this big joke about me doing heroin (ironic, right?), anyway, this joke has being going on for a while and Nina occasionally will walk up to me in the hallways and go: "Lucy B, please report to the main office, we found heroin in your locker."

Who am I going to give the award to... Melody Lee for basically being the coolest person on here and always giving the anons what they deserve, Noah for always telling it like it is (even though I think he hates me), Kim for being so devoted to learning (seriously, I'm impressed with your drive to go after such a hard subject), and Gledwood for being my favorite man on here. = )

Criteria of the award are to link to the blogger who gave it you, post a collection (ideally of 10) honest things about yourself and to pass on the award to as many folks as you please...