I'm One

Humidity hung thick, as we walked back down the street to find the deli for more beer. The empty blocks of warehouses covered in graffiti and piss reverberated as I yelled how all I wanted were some drugs, please. I guess it wasn't really helping the situation, as we stumbled 200 feet behind a friend and her two acquaintances (allegedly I kicked one of the acquaintances in the head, after announcing that I wouldn't), making sure not to draw any attention to ourselves. They disappeared into a store about a block ahead of us, which we followed them into.

WE HAD FOUND IT.

THE CLOSEST DELI.

Yeah, I know. Pretty anti-climactic. Sorry about that. I wanted to draw you guys in, I guess. I'll recap the last few months as quick as I can:

-dated really sweet guy, forced to break up with him because he was too needy

-dropped acid for the first time--I now understand the squirrels (we climbed trees all day in Central Park)

-ran out of speed

-bought pot for the first time in ages

-offered speed by a friend, who sadly ended up leaving for a trip before I could procure it from her

-was given NuVigil by another friend to help counteract the inability I have to being awake before 12:30

-and am now sitting here... recuperating from a night of beer, punk shows, and fights (not me fighting, but everyone else around us, at one point I was in a hallway with a fight going on at each end).

I've been journaling a lot, sadly not on here. (by a lot, I mean for the past few days on the train).

I'm gonna keep posting stuff here though. I'm just bored, and empty. Like, it's not the depression kind of empty, it's the when-I-look-to-gage-my-emotions-there-doesn't-seem-to-be-any-occurring empty. I'm excited to try the NuVigil, I just need to entertain my brain some more. I'm hopefully getting money to buy coke with this week. My friend has really good connects, and so I'm going to share a bit with her as a finders fee. I figure that's only fair, seeing as how she's working at this cafe with me, and new hires don't get paid for like a month and a half after they start. I don't know, I'm hoping that will entertain me for long enough.

Anyway, I'm mad tired, and distracted by some crazy vampire movie on SyFy...

I'll post later after I try the NuVigil and maybe about the acid.

Night kids!

- Lucy

P.S. Anyone get raptured yesterday?

I got a Gibson, without a case, but I can't get that even-tanned look on my face, ill-fitting clothes and I blend in the crowd, fingers so clumsy, voice too loud, but I'm one, I am one, and I can see that this is me, and I will be, you'll all see I'm the one...

Drunk When I Met You

My ass is covered in bruises. And when I say bruises, they are a dark, dark purple. There is one on the direct center of my right ass cheek, three large ones running down the back of my right thigh, and a smaller green one on my left hip. This is why I don't like hopping fences. My friends, correctly, decided that if we sat in the gated off part of Tompkins Square Park (meaning we'd have to hop a fence), we could easily escape the cops because we can hop fences faster than them. Although this makes a lot of sense--and luckily we didn't have to test our theory--I am shitty at climbing chain link fences especially in my heavy doc martens. So the first time our friend Izzy gave me a boost over, and then going back my friend Steven gave me a boost back over the fence. However, that time I got stuck on top of the fence with my legs and hands all facing back away from where I wanted to go. I had just finished a 40 and a half, and was feeling it. The fence began to shake, and I fell backwards over it. But before hitting the ground, I held on to the fence with my legs directly up in the air. Although it didn't seem like I feel that hard, falling from the top of the fence on to the rest of the fence fucked up my thigh. I had a giant welt afterwards. I sat on an ice pack after that.

Beyond that, some guy who was trying to fuck me by leading me on, I told to fuck off. So that kind of sucked. I hate when people think they're going to use me. It makes me very angry, understandably.

I have 6 poetry readings coming up between now and December 12th... and my plays performance on December 2nd. It's cool having lots of shows coming up, it's exciting and fun, but a little bit stressful. I need to work on some new material.

Anyway, I'm awake to early for class today, so I'm gonna go work on some homework and shower.

Check ya later,

- Luce...

Full Speed Ahead

So... I haven't posted in forever. I've been you know living the college life, with a suicidal roommate, a pension for smoking pot in the bathrooms late at night, and a few other tricks and treats up my sleeves (usually, literally). I just felt like documenting last night. I think its because my brain is slowly warming up again. I woke up this morning and new that the barbiturates had kicked in hard... it took me close to half an hour to roll over finally and get up. My suitemate was "grumpy" because her card wasn't working in the laundry room, which annoyed me because the aftermath of any time spent with speed is like I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU LEAVE ME ALONE NOW. But, I cooled off, tea helped.

Last night began with my friends inviting me to go to a party with them, that they had been invited to by a mutual friend. They said they were going to go over around 11, which was fine. After I got off work I was in a terrible mood, it wasn't even like a "Wow, I could really use some drugs right now," kind of mood, it was like "Just making everything stop right now is all I want." I don't know, I guess apathy is becoming contagious. Finally, though, I decided it would be fun to do some speed and then go to the party. I took two fair sized bumps in the bathroom out of one of those contact cases with the two circular divets. I didn't feel much at first, which was surprising to me, but I figured as long as I didn't feel the drip down my throat, it'd be all good because I wanted to sleep at some point. Finally, around 11:20 my friends text me, that oh, they're tired and aren't going to the party. My roommate was also blown off by her friends, so we decided to go outside for a cigarette break because I needed something with the speed kicking in. As we walked through the courtyard, I saw the acquaintance who had invited my friends to the party, and told her what was up. She, before I even mentioned the party, invited me and my roommate, and so we went up to her room to smoke out the window as she changed.

Anyway, we left in a bit, my roommate didn't want to go out, so it was just me and (the) A(cquaintance). This girl had been trying to get into my lesbian friend's pants for a long time, but it wasn't happening. We talked about the normal stuff boy/girl troubles, etc. etc.. By the time we were at the house, a good 15 block walk, she said to me: "This is the fastest I've ever walked to Avenue B," which made me chuckle a tiny bit on the inside. Anyway, the party was in classic NYU fashion. People were coked up, most of the guys were gay (I think besides about 3 to 4 out of like 30 people). There were very few girls, ALTHOUGH, I did see a girl I had taken a summer course with about 3 years ago. It was badass, and yet very odd. We talked for like 10 minutes until we both had run out of things to say, and she moved to the other side of the couch to talk to her friends. We wandered around onto the balcony and around the rooms, having weird conversations with people. I had about 3 glasses of this punch they were serving out of a big rubbermaid container, which was tasty, but I could barely feel it.... which makes sense. I had this one moment where I was like, "What if there are more barbiturates in my system than speed, and with the alcohol, I OD?" I then took my pulse and decided I would survive.

There were lots of moment, talking to drunken people, some who live in the same building as me, others from towns close to my hometown. I went home, ate some fries and drank a sprite. My suitemate couldn't sleep, it was too hot. As I told her to open the window and go back to sleep, because everything would be better in the morning, I wondered again what would happen if I ODed and she found me--just another shitty part of her shitty week.

At the moment I think the barbiturates are still in my system I feel like I'm about to pass out. Ugh, and I have to go to play practice. Yeah, I'm in a play. I'm a lesbian governess in a play. I hate everything right now, but I almost don't. I just feel so fucking apathetic. I want to care about something.

But I don't.

Anyway, sorry that I never post,

Hopefully I'll have a cheerier one in the future,

- Luce

Hightime

I'm high. My mosquito bites are itching like no other. That's what you get for smoking weed in the woods at dusk. It's alright though. I kinda forced my friend to go to the woods to smoke, I like it there. It's quiet and calm, lots of bunnies and raspberry bushes. When I was a kid, my best friend's family always went hiking in the woods every weekend and I'd go with them. Walking across fallen trees, and picking berries, and running after the dogs. I know being from New Jersey, people don't think of that kind of shit, but that's how my child hood was. That's how my town is. It's all surrounded by woods. Behind my friend's house, there's a reservoir in the middle of the woods. We went swimming there a week ago. We smoked right before, and I only went in to my waist. I don't like how weed makes me feel anymore, almost ever. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep, I sweat, feel like I'm gonna puke. I don't know why.

Mike and I aren't dating anymore. He relapsed. He didn't tell me. A mutual friend did after we broke up. The last time we were dating and hanging out, I knew he was high. His eyes were pinned from first seeing him. When we were on the bus, he said he had some oxy. He then proceeded to show me the pills as we sat side by side. I didn't really want to do them. And I said that. But I also didn't want HIM to do them, however, I knew not to say that. If you've had your mind set on it, you're bound to do it. He popped them both in front of me. Now, first off, he called them "roxy" which they're not. They're not roxycodone, which I did a few years ago, they're little blue coated pills--with an ambien like shell. They're oxy. The same kind I did tonight. Fuck man, I don't even know if I want to continue this story. He scratched his stomach until it bled later on. He dumped over the entire ash tray as he nodded off. He treated me like shit. I would rather been booted in the face, than go through that again. Fuck. Whatever. I saw him two weeks later at this big show they have every year in NYC, called "Punk Island." It's fun. Hot. Poorly planned. But free. It's fucking punk island, you can't expect much more. He was surprised when I wasn't "friendly" towards him. His eyes were pinned. He looked at me dull and glazed, and I threw fire at him. I didn't want to see him.

I haven't been high in a long time. On oxy. I did try speed for the firs time like a week ago. And when I said speed. I mean SPEED. Dextroamphetamine. Actually, I got a hold of some shit from the 70s, these dexamyl capsules. What they are is a combo of dextroamphetamine and amobarbitol. Basically, the speed keeps you wired/happy/talkative, while the barbiturate keeps the edge off and is supposed to help you get to sleep. Well, I was up for like over 24 hours, by the end I wanted to kill everyone in sight. C'est pas bon. I don't know, I have two more, I told my friend that we'd do them for this concert that's coming up in August. Should be interesting if nothing else.

Also, the most interesting news of recent, is that I am dating someone new. I'll call him P. He's cute, funny, driven (he's in 3 fucking bands, and has a full time job, and does stand up comedy), 28, and super fucking nice to me. I mean, he's just an all around great guy. Which is what I need after all of Mike's drama. But he only like smokes weed and drinks beer. So, I don't want to do drugs while with him... this is the first time. I got it in my head. I had a pill. Whatever. Just once, without talking to him or anyone else (besides all of you... or just myself... or whoever ends up reading it), isn't so bad.

I feel shitty about myself. I guess. I don't know how I landed him. Everyone is so fucked up and yet not. I've made some more friends in the punk scene, which is cool, and I guess normal. There's this one girl though, she reminds me of my friends from high school who were all super druggies. Like, I have to say, I have a sense about teenage girls who do drugs. There is just a vibe. I don't know. This morning I woke up. P laid there curled up facing away from me. It was one of his two days off per week, I wanted to let him sleep. I looked at him though, and I just felt like he didn't want me (now remember he's sleeping) to touch him. Like he just wanted to get away from me. And I laid there, and thought to myself Yeah, you're just a junky piece of shit. He doesn't want to be anywhere near you, you junky piece of shit. ETC. ETC. ad infinitum. That's the one mantra that I have. It fucking goes off whenever I feel unwanted. I do believe it and I don't. It's strange. I feel good though. For now. Fuck I feel good. It doesn't bother me right now. Nothing does. I feel a bit guilty, or I will, or I did, but right now I don't.

I watched the skyline pass by my train window tonight. The sky was a green gray and I felt like it all made sense. Because it does. I am home. Here. America. New Jersey. My hometown. New York City. And as I sit besides my friend on the curb side, her head sagging against her knees and she drunkenly sleeps, I know that there is no other place for me to go. I am simply here.

I hope you all have a lovely 4th of July!

This probably is super disjointed. I will add more sense to it sometime this week. I promise. I'm going to try and blog once a week from now on. I think it's good for me.

Check ya later,

- Lucy

Like a Rolling Stone

My boyfriend isn't talking to me at the moment. He is sleeping or resting... his excuse? "I was up late last night on acid." I'm sorry, but that's a shitty excuse. I don't get why he would think this is an acceptable reason to not be talking. I mean, I'm not saying that how you feel after doing acid is a totally social one, much more about sleeping and chilling, but I don't like being put on the back burner. I've been up since 7:40 am, biked around 10 km into the wind (you don't think that's important until you feel like you're being pushed backwards by the hand of Zephyr), and eaten an assortment of different foods. I'm sorry, but if I can be awake, then he should be. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, and it's not a personal thing, but it still pisses me off because I make myself available to him, even though he doesn't seem to give a shit. So... yeah, I guess I just have to remind myself this isn't directed at me, it's just how it is.

My face is sun-burned... I have a black eye. Well, a bit of a black eye. It's not a very badass story, it's not much of a story at all, really. I couldn't get my eye makeup off because I didn't have any makeup remover, and so I attacked my face with a towel. Now the area under my right eye is swollen and raw. La Rochelle and Ile de Ré was beautiful. The water was cold, as the Atlantic always seems to be (being from NJ, and having felt it also in Ireland). The towers and buildings had stood since the 1400s and 1600s, raising up above the blue water like sand castles. It was picturesque. Quaint. The people were a lot friendlier, although the drunk assholes on the street were just like Paris. I think it's a French thing to be loud and obnoxious for no reason. My friends and I were all having a good time on the metro until about 40 guys came on to our car. They were all French, but of African descent, and were obviously out enjoying their Saturday night. Suddenly, one guy started to grab this girl by the waist, putting his hands all over her; she--luckily--was not gonna take it. She pushed him off and grabbed her friend and got off the train. Another guy then begins to yell at the gropey one, and we watch as a fight begins to ensue in between the area where my friends are all sitting. I'm watching this, trying to keep my face completely immune to the scene, while secretly horrified and terrified. At the next stop, half of them ran out (along with the gropey guy), and I imagined this was when the gropey guy was gonna be beat up, so hopefully he got what he deserved. I just hate the shear lack of respect for women here, it seems to be all Frenchmen. It seems like they feel entitled to some kind of sexual response from all women. I don't get it. Probably never will. It pisses me off though. It makes me wanna show them the error of their ways. It's one of the major reasons I dislike France.

One of the perks of going away was time away from work, so I read one of my new favorite books: Forced Entries by Jim Carroll. Technically, I was reading it for school, but it was amazing. I love it. I love Jim Carroll. To me, he is the mind of New York. As I read, I listened to the Velvet Underground, the band that truly is magic if you listen to it as you walk down the streets. You feel their high, and slowly your feet are lifted off the ground and wherever you're walking, is perfect, you're perfect, and you can feel the pulse of chance down every street and avenue. I want to get back to the City. I've realized why I don't like Paris. For me, New York is a place of possibilities. Every time I end up walking around, something occurs, and my friends and I are off on an adventure. As we trek from borough to borough, drunk, or high, or simply confused we meet the characters that now make up our late stories. The strange nomads and pansexual EMTs, the smack heads and squatters (usually, one in the same), and at the same time we meet our own opportunities for a breath of a new life. Suddenly, we're climbing over subway turnstiles and stumbling home, walking the dark streets of Brooklyn or Staten Island or occasionally Manhattan, home. When we arrive, we recount, and lay down, and fall into the lap of the City that will create us anew in the morning, ready for that day. I'm ready to be back home and feel the beat of life beneath my sneakers.

I'll check you later,

- Lucy

I'm not down!

Apparently people are reading this right now, and I'm posting because my afternoon class was cancelled and I need to make up for my lack of writing lately.

Life is crazy as the semester is winding down. It's the sam

e old same old, lots of papers and tests, and shit I don't wanna do. I should be making straight A-/As this semester, so hopefully that'll get me into the Dean's Circle (it's an organization for people who have a certain GPA, we get to go on a trip and stuff, but only a few people are selected for it)... At the moment, I'm working on a paper about Jim Carroll, one of my favorite poets/singers/authors. We have to pick a famous (and

dead) person to show "our" Paris, too. They're always making us right bullshit about Paris and our experience here and blah blah blah. It's as if they imagine that if we all write about Paris, maybe we too could be a modern Ernest Hemingway or something. This only inflates the heads of all of the boys here who already think they are him.

Mike's alright. He was going to meetings, but some girl said she would give him two bags of H if he could get her a needle. So... yeah, what'd you think he did?

Devinez! Devinez!

If you guessed shot two bags of smack on Sunday, well, you'd be correct! Good job!

What I think is funny is that when he does things like sign off immediately, or a few other tell tale actions, that I don't realize what's going on. When he did that, or talks about watching his friends do drugs, well, no shit he's doing them too. Boys are dumb...

At the moment, I'm not doing drugs. Although, he's now offered to get us H for when I get back, which is kind of putting me in a weird place.

On one hand I think: Wow, this would be awesome... I really wanna do it.

On the other I think: Fuck, terrible idea. This will only screw me up.

I don't know, I can't tell if the two bags he was talking about were the ones he has, or ones he plans on buying. I'm not gonna say anything about it to him, even if he brings it up. I refuse to let him know what I'm thinking about shit like that, mostly because: A) if you're doing drugs with a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/life-partner, you definitely don't want to be the one who does not have the connections because that makes you vulnerable... and B) he supposedly wants to be clean, so I don't want me giving him the OK to go ahead and get more drugs. I'm not saying that I control his actions, but it could be the push he needs to go buy more shit, and I'd like to keep myself out of that position. Haha, I know that the A reason is pretty far down the line, but I like to be

logical, and that definitely could be a reality. The other problem with Mike and I doing drugs is that he completely discounts my experience. This is coming from the same guy who couldn't fix himself the first time at fucking 19, I was doing that at 16 by myself. He can barely handle seeing blood. I may not have sunk as low as him, but just because I have been better able to keep myself out of the places he's ended up doesn't mean that my experience is completely void. I just hate being treated like I'm some kind of unexperienced child, and he's some kind of sage-like figure. Fuck that shit.

I haven't slept for the past two nights, and I have almost no homework, so I'm thinking that today I could just fucking kick back, take some shit, and not do shit for the rest of the day. Besides doing laundry, which needs to be taken care of today... or I'm gonna, well, begin to smell... not really. I just will have to wear my less desireable clothes, haha. Not that I'm some kind of pinnacle of fashion, fuck, everyone here thinks they're soo fancy. It's kind of nauseating. I really wanna vomit on a lot of them. Especially some of the Europeans, who think that they are just so above all the Americans, it's really ridiculous--as if France was some kind of pinnacle of good living, let's look at one of the most racist, anti-semetic, and judgmental countries I've ever been to. It's honestly offensive. It also has some of the scariest men ever, I have never feared men, not pulling my drunk friend off of Avenue B at 12 at night, not walking down Jersey St. on Staten Island at 3 am, it was never like this, where every man I see I am afraid is either gonna yell at me, or throw water on me (as one did), or simply give me creepy stares.

I want to get back to NYC! Summer in the city, that's all I want. = )

Well, I'm gonna go do more nothing,

I'll check ya later,

- Lucy

P.S. the first photo is of Mike and I... he will try and say that he's not extremely mushy... but he is (I consider that photo, exhibit A). And the second one is actually of me back home at Dunkin Donuts!!! I miss it so much...

Junky Puppy

Sitting in the bathroom next to the heater, I watched his head go down slowly to his chest. The spliff in his hand spiraling out waves of smoke. I watched him, quietly. He looked so innocent and adorable, like a puppy. He slowly opened his eyes again and took a pull from the spliff and then passing it to me. The codeine had surprisingly worked on him. I was impressed. He had taken about 9 of them, so I wasn't that surprised, I had taken 8. We ended up curled up in bed watching the Dark Knight. Alright, well, technically I only listened to the Dark Knight. He would occasionally say something to me, and I would force myself to respond.

I miss him not being here, it really sucks that he had to go back to New York. We had a whole talk one night in a park for hours just about random drug-related crap. I worry about him being out there. It really makes his depression worse. He told me that he doesn't want to go back on H though because he doesn't want to be trapped in NY. He's so sweet, it sucks that he's really in that mental bind. He keeps talking about marriage. We'll see. = )

School's crazy right now. Literally insane. I feel like I'm back at the shore being crashed on by the waves, struggling to keep up above the cresting waves. I think that I might get an A- in French, so that'll be good. Last semester I beasted my classes, I got straight A-s and then an A in the preliminary French class. My GPA was a 3.73 out of a 4.0. Trust me, it's pretty crazy, it's the highest one of I've heard out of anyone.

My friend from home is coming in on Sunday, so I gotta start thinking of things to do with her during the week and stuff. My midterms are coming up, I have one on Tuesday and then a paper and a exam the next week, and then the week after that I have my big exam in social. Kind of crazy, but I'll make it through.

All the papers I've written this semester for writing have been about drugs, haha. It really entertains me which is kinda fucked up. I'm writing my next paper about "rebellion," so that'll be interesting.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to...

whatever the fuck I do on a Friday at noon,

- Sarah = )

Depression...

I just want to go home, to New York. I don't wanna be here. I'm so lonely man, and bored. And I have to drag people to do shit with me, and it just makes me feel shitty and dirty and unwanted. I hate tonight. I hate today.

And I don't wanna finish my drink, because everyone fucking left, and I don't wanna drink alone when I'm upset. I know that's bad. Today is bad.

I just hate this depression man. I hate it so much.

Glue Man

I have been going on an emo-teenage bender these past two weeks. I feel like crap about everything. I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate how I look, I can see nothing good in anything I do. And, being that this is the technology age, and this is my emo week, I wanna tell it to all of the people I look up to over the internet. Oh yeah, it's like a motherfucking emo-dial, ready to freak people out. Luckily, I'm fairly aware of how bad this will make me look, so I'm keeping it to my good friends and shit and not going on about it on myspace or facebook or anything else.

Not to mention I have strep throat, which is really only adding to my cheery demeanor.

Anyway, this weekend I went to Tanzen's 18th birthday party. We met up early to go to a book signing in the city, which we bailed on about 2 hours into and gave the books to her sister who works at the cafe attached to the bookstore to get the books signed. Walked over to the Strand and I bought another Irvine Welsh book, HARDCOVER, for 5 bucks. God, I love used book stores. Then we wandered down to the salvation army and I got a brand new flannel for 3 bucks. Jordan texted me and told me that ARCHY was down at ABC for the show. I had already told him I would go down and say hey and shit, so we walked down and I ruminated on the idea of a possible fight. Got down there and said hey to Jordan, who was steaming over her presence at the show and seemed to be going into a state of testosterone filled rage. I stood there and he paced a bit around saying hey to people, kind of acknowledging me kind of not, just kind of speaking and not really giving a fuck that I was there. I said hey to Emz too, who is a 14 year old I've befriended and given protection from the Crew. Good kid, smart, I just told her not to get into too much trouble. Anyway, after saying hey to people there, the management was yelling for people to go around the corner or go inside, we weren't paying, so we walked up to a Diner to grab some fries and sodas. My feet were killing me by now because of the fishnets I was wearing. We walked for another 45 minutes to Thompson street to go to Generation Records. A store in front of which I promptly put on pants to keep my legs warm. Yes, I almost striped on the street, but not really because I had on my dress still. Tanzen also took some hot photos of me in the process, haha. Went in there and I bought a new Zero Boys button, I just love them and they aren't appreciated enough and don't have merchandise in a lot of places. 

During this time I kept smoking, I have a bad habit of smoking a lot if I have a pack. I don't usually have smokes, but when I do I chain smoke them, haha. Finally, after lots of walking we went up town and did all the shit for the party. All of us kids hung out, I saw most people I knew, and if I didn't know them, I quickly did. Haha, I'm good at mingling. This guy was serving up tequilla from the bar, and he was being obnoxious as shit about it and making everyone, including myself, drink it straight. I don't like tequilla. I will only drink whiskey straight. So, I drank it, but I kind of just sipped it, I don't usually force alcohol down. I probably had 4 or 5 shots, and so I was feeling a bit inebriated by the time the party winded down. I was then forced to go to the Marriot, I good 6 or 7 blocks away and ride the glass elevator, which was cool, but a long fucking walk. When we arrived in Brooklyn I was tired, Molly was puking in the subway station, and Commie (yes, as in he is a Communist and people call him Commie) was getting a bit touchy-feely, so when we got back to Tanzen's house I headed upstairs and fixed the futon up and got into bed fast. There was a bit of discussion over whether or not the leaves that Irina gave her were Salvia, which they are. I told Tanzen not to do anything stupid. The next morning, Tanzen, me, and Marci went on the subway. On which I was informed that it was a surprise to Marci how intelligent I am. This made me laugh, and I told her that tequilla happens to lower my IQ. We hadn't talked at all at the party, and the most words I had said to her in the morning were probably me yelling at her and Tanzen to shut the fuck up or I was going to beat them up, because I was trying to sleep and I was a bit hungover (haha, I'm not a morning person).

What I guess could be the most important part of this was what we actually talked about the day before, and how it coincided with our train ride once it was just Tanzen and I. I started talking to Tanzen about the whole coke situation, blah blah, and how M makes me fucking nervous as shit, how I don't know how to contact her without her verbally abusing me over the phone (haha, sad but true, this girl scares the shit out of me). Tanzen said something that legit scared the shit out of me, and is making me feel a bit guilty and glad that I haven't given her any drugs or anything besides weed (and hydros, but only once, because lets face it, I'm selfish and I feel guilty when I fuck her up. Ironically, my own selfish intentions, are helping her). She said this to me, "Weed is known as a 'gateway drug,' and I've been standing in the door way for far too long." My immediate reaction mentally was, "WOAH! I didn't realize that she really felt like this. Is this my fault? Have my own stupid stories and drug problems and shit causing my friend to think that harder drugs are the answer to her problems? Fuck..." It actually soured me to the thought of drugs for the entire day. I just thought about how much I love Tanzen, she's my best friend, and how I don't want to be the reason for her ever having a drug problem. At the same time, I crave a partner in crime, but it's not bad enough for me to want to risk her in the process. I mean, I'm a dumbass, I make bad choices constantly. I keep fucking up sobriety, as I did today, as I did two weeks ago. I keep ending up depressed and feeling like shit and not letting myself long enough time to normalize, before I just fuck my brain up again. I don't want this for her, and I don't want her to be in any way drug-dependent. I have been known to be easily able to influence people into doing dumb shit, I've always been a good talker, and I can talk up my own shit. Is my mouth gonna fuck up my friends. I don't know.

I worry about this shit. I worry about her. I worry that I got high yesterday (it was today, but I guess now it's Tuesday morning) and it barely changed my feeling towards the world. I am actually pretty sick, which sucks. I am going to be 18 in 5 days. Holy fuck. For 5 more days I am still just a minor threat.

I'm trying to stay positive and not do anything dumb.

Love you guys and hope you guys are having better days than me!

- Lucy

Strange

It's not really how I feel. I feel like reality is biting me in the ass. I woke up at 7:30 this morning, feeling like a combination of booze, candy, and pills were about to jump out of stomach (kinda hoping they would, seeing as how I felt like I was dying). Yeah, I was a dumbass and now I feel really shitty and I don't plan on doing that ever again. Tanzen mixed the remainder of our vodka with cranberry juice and mandarin orange seltzer... IT WAS NASTY. Anyway, I drank it... enough of it, to get me close to drunk, but not (as Santina would describe my antics occasionally) "WASTED!!!". Santina, Tanzen, Ned, and I went out to dinner last night and then hung out around the Village. We went to my favorite record shop "Bleaker Street Records" and then we went to Ned's house. Walking down St. Mark's we saw some Crustys that I had kinda met at a show at ABC No Rio at the WWIX show there a month ago, or so. One of them talked to me, and was kind of cute. I don't have a problem with crustys, some people really don't like them, but they don't bother me. We're just different styles really, that's the major difference. I was saying that to them as we walked West and they walked South towards the LES. I forgot to tell you guys that I'm the leader of the GB Crew, which is my crew of friends. Basically, my goal with our crew is to A) have an awesome time, B) eliminate "Archey" from our shows, C) protect the teenagers (especially the youngsters, like 14/15 year olds) from assholes like "Archey" beating them up, and D) make ourselves kind of like staples of our shows. Tanzen says I'm a born leader, I don't know if I'd agree with that, but I like to imagine that it's true. Anyway, the GB Crew is going to keep making the NYC punk scene as awesome as we can.

I am just feeling shitty, my stomach hurts, my head doesn't feel great and I keep having nasty dreams about getting caught with drugs or doing drugs... or something.

Two nights ago I dreamed that my father was going to give me a drug test requiring a urine sample. But, my rents left the house? And suddenly I was alone, and there was this bong for some reason, but it was like a graduated cylinder at the same time (dual functioning bong and graduated cylinder... for the stoner in every scientist). Inside of it there were tablets or pills or something, for a reason I don't know. Anyway, it was very bizarre, and then I woke up and shit. Then last night, I had a dream about my father coming into my room. I was laying in my bed and he was talking to me. I was talking about how I was feeling really bad and my stomach really hurt. He then replied with something about how it was going to hurt one of us more (I can't remember which one of us) and that I was going to get a blood test tomorrow. I'm so glad that that was just a dream. Fucking, obnoxious shit. I don't quit worrying until I'm in the clear for testing negative for any drugs that I've used in urine or blood tests.

This nausea is shitty at the moment. I feel kind of like just laying in a ball and not moving, but I want to finish up my homework and then see Zack. He's gonna give me my Valentine's day gift today. = ) I think its either flowers or a teddy bear (I kinda asked for the bear, because I saw it when we went out to dinner, and it was adorable and cliched and shit... and I wanted it!) mostly because he refused to put it in his backpack and bring it into school. I played him a song... and gave him the CD "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop (I wanted to give him the Buzzcocks album "Singles Going Steady"). I played him the song "Love You More" on guitar... and it was really awkward, but fun kind of. I get embarrassed easily when it comes to lovey-dovey shit. He thought it was "cute." Haha, I guess that's what I'm aiming for.... or something? I have no idea, I'm bad at being all cutesy and shit.

My one teacher yelled at me in the hallway for missing her class 4 or 5 times. Not, 7 or 8, not 10 or 12, 4 OR 5 TIMES. This woman is on crack. I think she thought I was cutting because my homeroom teacher thought I was on a field trip, so I don't know, maybe it came up that way. But I wasn't, I was legitimately sick. Only once did I cut her class, and that was a while ago. It was at least over a month ago. This woman is such a bitch, and I'm going to make her feel really shitty when I come in and tell her that it was for arthritis. Maybe that's a bitchy thing to do, but it's the best ammunition I got when it comes to teachers, because it's not a direct conflict, it just makes them feel bad. Honestly, making other people feel shitty is a lot more powerful than yelling at them, because that just makes them feel angry. I don't know. I was legitimately in a lot of pain, I have never missed school due to arthritis, besides last Thursday, because it really did hurt.

Anyway, I gotta get to doing homework.... because well... it's important? And I can't seem to be a slacker. It's just not in my nature, unless, I know it won't matter. So, I should go get on that. I also gotta make another GB Crew t-shirt, this will be the third. I gotta get some black pain to cover up part of this one because there's a design on it that she doesn't like.

Well, I'm off!

I hope y'all have a lovely Sunday and week until I'm back!

Love,

- Lucy = )

Rudie Can't Fail

I've been listening to the Clash all day. If you wanna know a few songs I really like, if you don't know the Clash that well, check out: "Rudie Can't Fail," "Hateful," "Lost in the Supermarket," "Clash City Rockers," and "SPANISH BOMBS." I love Spanish Bombs, when we were in middle school, Nina would always sing, haha. = )

I was gonna go to that show last night, but on Friday my Papa texted me telling me that it was 18+ and Keith told me. Haha, and then I complained to Justin about it. It was an interesting hour of conversations to say the least, but Justin and Jay cheered me up. = )

Anyway, on Saturday I hung with Lauren, who thought she was on her death bed due to her terrible sinus infection. We watched random ass shit on TV, and then some Flight of the Conchords (which is one of my favorite shows, but I can only watch it on youtube because I don't have HBO = (. Her parents made seafood and steak to celebrate her dad's promotion, which is really good for her family, and so it was a really good meal. Obviously, haha, we had a very romantic dinner. Zack took me out on thursday, and I think I'm going to bake him a cake as his present for V-day.

Then on Sunday I travelled into Brooklyn, and mass-transit was working fairly well, which made me happy. Santina was going to hang with us, but then couldn't because her mom wouldn't let her. Tanzen and I met up and she gave me a Valentine, it had this little card which said, "You know that I will love you no matter what you do. Just make your choices wisely and to yourself be true! I love you!" I just feel guilty for making her worry and shit. I don't know, I feel guilt for telling people shit, I know people care, even when I feel like a mediocre shit head, people give a fuck about me. Thats a good thing because I've realized that a lot of my issues are due to my fucked up relationship with my dad. I've realized that my distance from him in my childhood due to his work in China and in CA has made me hate him in some ways, because when he came back and wanted to be my dad it just didn't make any sense. I love him, I just wish he could be more like he was when I was a kid and not some crazed old man, who I hate.

It was just me, Tanzen, and her sis. No one else was around so we got a wee-bit drunk, and watched Empire Records and then we walked around their neighborhood in search of coffee. It was fun we played this card game called "haberdashy" (no not a men's hat shop). It's like gin-rummy without having to take turns, so its a lot faster and so much fun. We gave each other nicknames, I was "Rebel" because of my cliched can-throw onto a lawn we passed. Tanzen's sis said to me, "Oh, RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE." Haha, and so we all laughed about it, "I was like, oh yeah, that's how I role. Yeah, I'm not even gonna pick it up." We all joke about me and my "hardcoreness" because I prefer not to fight with my parents and I get good grades and shit like that. I mean, I'm a good kid, with a few flaws, haha, and people think its funny that I am a "punk." The next day we woke up and wanted to go to Voxpop, our favorite coffee shop. It's an awesome place! It's where I got my anarchist calendar there last year, haha (now think about THAT). But, its not serving food due to some trouble with the city of NYC, so we went to this other place. Not as good, but cheap, and we found a table to eat and play cards at.

Right now, my fellow GB Crew member and I, Hughie are discussing plans for the weekend, crew t-shirts, and his band. I'm thinking that his band might play my b-day show, because I'd love it, and it'd make me happy. They said that I could make their shirts for them, which is awesome to me. I made our crew's t-shirts, I drew the stencil, and we're all going to have one.

I know it's pretty sexy across my "lovely rack" with my classy flannel. At the moment I'm wearing that flannel with obnoxious new plaid pants.

At the moment I am also talking to my friend Nina (not the one pictured) about her ex who just called and said he has HPV, and that she gave it to him, or he gave it to her, or something. She apparently came back clean last time she was tested, but she'll probably get tested again, which is good. I worry about her, she's one of my dearest friends, and someone I've been good friends with since we were 11. Nina and I are fucked up in different ways, she was diagnosed with nymphomania after being raped at 15. She went to therapy and is now doing really well, and is basically cured, which is great! She's a lot happier now I think. She's dealing now, which kind of makes me sad, but its alright I guess. I tell people to buy from her and stuff, I don't know, I just try to be helpful. She almost had someone come to my street and buy from her tonight, and I told her absolutely not. I don't know, but that's invading my space, and its one thing to do it with my friends outside my house, if they were already here hanging, but some random girl who is only an acquaintance of mine is a definite NO. Lauren was trying to goad me into saying it was okay, but I stood my ground and Nina was cool with it. Her, Lauren, and Sam came over tonight and we played cards and watched clips of Maury on youtube. I have to post this one video it was AMAZING.

I'm wathing intervention and talking to people online. It's almost too entertaining for my drug addled brain. After this I'll probably read some blogs, do some sudoku, play some guitar, and then maybe around 3 or so I'll go to sleep. I like fighting sleep, haha, it makes me happy.

With my new darker hair, I wanna try new makeup, haha. I put on mixed lilac, teal, and dark blue eyeshadow together, which made my features darker. I kinda like it. I also brought some new red lipstick, because I'm so pale and now have dark hair, the combination with dark makeup kinda looks really good. Haha, I don't know, I love trying new makeup, it's entertaining.

= )

Well, guys, I love you all!

I hope you had a fabulous weekend!

Love, 

- Lucy

"Lucy B. is better than Robert Frost"

That was the title under one of the photos from the show Saturday night. It was one of the greatest show's I've ever been to. It's was in a small record shop, packed to the brim. I got there around 2:15 and talked to Matt (a friend of mine, and the lead guitarist of the headlining band). He requested that I play my hit single "Jacob's Dad." Figuring that I would be up for it, I agreed to it, especially because I knew that most people I knew really loved the song. Tanzen get's there and, as we are want to do, walked down the street to mix our two big bottle of cranberry-vodka. Well, needless to say, but 3:30 in the afternoon I was buzzed. At 4:30, after two bands and two poems, we had finished one and decided to go pick up some water and pretzels and to rest our stomach's for an hour. Why? I don't know. I knew that at the time if I continued to drink at that pace I would be a wreck by the end of the night. Anyway, the place gets more packed, more great bands play, and I'm greeting everyone I know, handing out chap books (I should have made way more) and drinking. Well, as it says on the back of my chap book: "If you see her, buy her a beer." Some woman did just that, and the other adults that knew me gave me parts of their beers, or gave me whole beers. I finished the next bottle of cranberry-vodka and took sips from other people's drinks, and passed on a medium beer (not a tall boy, and not a regular size... what's that called? Because I like those and I don't know the name for it) and a regular sized one to my friends (one was a nasty yellow canned one, and the other was, my personal fav, PBR = ). My friends were appreciative. Needless to say, when I went up to play my song, I was drunk and so were most of the audience. Although I messed it up a lot, everyone found it funny, and we had a good time with it! Haha, I'm so ridiculous. I basically spent 8 hours of saturday drunk. I talked to a few people who I find really cute who I've only oggled from afar (like... METAL CHRIS... oh, he's sooooo fine, and E-arly... two HOT guys) and I almost talked to Pat from Reagan Youth, but mostly just stood next to Papa Jay and listened to them talk (I really did feel like his kid at that moment). We then, Jay, Sarah (his GF), and I, went to a diner. The first one was closed, but the second one was open and during this time my parents were frantically calling my cell phone, which I was too drunk to realize was vibrating. After some damage control, and some sobering up, I was back on the train home to NJ. I did see my crew's arch-nemesis there. She was supposed to jump us or some shit, but she was very "buddy-buddy" to me. I figure it's like this: you don't jump someone who everyone in the room was just applauding and talking to. I'm kind of becoming the darling of the scene? Haha, at least, that's what I hope. = ) I love all the adults there, they're so cool and always telling me how great I am or giving me shirts or CDs (not that most bands don't do it) or beers. It's just too much fun!

I'm doing well in school. Making the grades and working hard. My lowest grade is in English, I have an 84 and I only got a 77 on the midterm... I was tied with someone else for lowest midterm grade in the class. 

Anyway, everything else is good. I'm going to upload some pics from the show to show you guys my classiness. = P

BTW, I figured I'd stick in a classy picture of me and the cranberry juice. The girl with the pigtails beside me is Tanzen... WE HOT. = P

So, yeah, now I'm off to orchestra pit practice. I hope y'all enjoy my stellar photos!

The show was amazing! Great bands! Great people! Just an all around blast! My b-day show is at the same place, sadly MDC is playing somewhere else that same day, so I'm hoping that people show up! = )

Check ya later!

- Lucy B.

So, is this sobriety, or SOBRIETY?

Okay, so no opiates for almost a month! "Scandal, Franco!" (if you can tell me what movie that quote is from, I'll be really impressed.) The 4th it will be a month since January 4th, well, lets see how I feel about this. I have no idea. I keep thinking man, this would be so great, if I was high. Fuck, just saying that makes it sound good. But, I can't. I gotta be good, mostly because, as much as I love taking some pills and letting my mind go, I know that I'm benefitting in less paranoia about drugs being found or being noticed missing (on those occasions when I filch them). I smoked weed yesterday, and it was actually the best experience with it I've had in a while. My friends went and smoked with me during lunch and then we went back to class, I got quite high (I didn't realize how I high I was until I started talking about guinea pigs for about 3 hours). Makes me nervous about getting drug-tested, but I can't sweat it. Zack was making fun of me today, "wow, so, that was short-lived." I was like, "hey, it's been two weeks..." Whatever, I enjoyed it, I was supposed to be playing music with my friends tonight, but I think I might go to bed early and read and watch TV with my mother, etc. I was invited to a party, and although I've never been to a house-party, I don't really want to go. The girl who is hosting it and I don't get along, and I'm planning on getting well, trashed tomorrow at the show, so I figure I better not come home wasted tonight. I guess my sobriety, is really only the absence of opiates... but thar works for me...

Tomorrow's show has some of my favorite bands. My Papa is going to take me, my fake sis Santina, her bf, and my bf, to dinner. I'm also going to get to read poetry at the show and hand out my chap books which I just made. Should be sweet. I can't wait for me and Zack to get to hang out in the city, we're leaving at 12:30 and probably won't be home until 11:30 or so. I can't wait, I love him. Still no fucking, but that's okay... I've realized that I'm kind of... umm.. afraid of dicks? Not that I'm a lesbian, because vajayjays are way nastier. There is nothing hot about vagina, I don't understand lesbians or straight guys... vages are nasty. Anyway, I'm psyched to have a moment with Zack's dick. = ) That will happen, and you guys will get to hear the full scoop... I'm sure I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow or Sunday.

Dude, I'm tired, I'm full, I feel sick... I'm going to go rest, without drugs, fridays are kind of taxing. Whatever, I'll get drunk tomorrow and that'll be funny as shit. = )

Love you guys,

Lucy!

Strange

I had a drug dream that I have to share with everyone, because it was THAT cracked out. Okay, so I'll start from the beginning. My friend Nina and I are walking from our first block class on the third floor, down to our homeroom on the second floor like every day. However, we take a different stairwell, anyway, we stop on the landing in between the two floors and these three Hispanic kids I recognize are standing there. Anyway, they have like a bowl of what looks to be powdered sugar (I mean, I'm always getting high off of baking goods... anyway). So, the main guy asks if he we want some "name that made no sense when I heard it." It was my minds attempt at a nick-name for a drug gone wrong, to the point where it was legit just sounds. Nina's eyes are kind of bugged out and dilated and a bit crossed. She's very gungho about it. Instead of having viles or tinfoil or baggies... No, it's this thing that looks like a tiny-fish bowl (about the size of a marble) with an opening at the top. They are using spoons the size of like barbie spoons to put the powder in there. BTW, it's supposed to be speed (haha, my dreams... REALLY REALISTIC... not). Okay, so suddenly I wanna say he's given it to Nina, or maybe it's while he's filling the "vile" and he says, "do you want a taste?" Nina  says no, and I look at her and say, "Yes?" So, I snort a little (mind you, I'm standing in a fucking stairwell in my school, which is apparently empty because everyone else is in homeroom). At first, I'm like, wow, nothing. AND THEN IT HITS ME. Suddenly, I feel like I've been hit in the face by a fucking roller coaster and my mind is flying. Nina and I then walk downstairs (some how she is also high). Anyway, we walk down to our homeroom and try to turn off all of the lights in the classroom because it is bothering our eyes. There's this machine in the front with all of these keys and knobs and shit and lights, which I am just so unable to turn off it's not funny. Anyway, I keep trying, to no avail. Finally, I wake up. It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I've been asleep for an hour and I'm fucking sweating because of how high the heat is in my house and the fact that I'm under a blanket. I crawl out and feel so gross and go do homework.

This is how my beginning to going straight is. Great. Fucking, great. Obviously, that's just all I need. Anyway, I'm doing good. Besides when I was about ready to fucking just shove anything into my body to get high on wednesday, lots of shit went down and it was terrible, but I refrained. = ) I don't know, today my friend was being very triumphant when she said she hadn't smoked weed in 3 days? or maybe it was since Sunday? (Obviously, I was paying a lot of attention...) Anyway, I kind of felt bad after just brushing it off like it was nothing. I remember last year when I was so fucking proud to have made it like 2 and a half weeks, and I told my friends and they were just like, "whatever" and it kind of ruined it for me. I'm feeling good about it. I'll just drink because I don't have enough opportunities to drink. I do occasionally feel like I do drink just to get fucked up. Bad Lucy. Bad... I don't know, after Tanzen saying the greatest thing ever: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality." How could I stop drinking? Haha, that's just like the greatest phrase of someone whose had a bit much to drink.

Tomorrows plan: finish off the stoli (I will not poor out fucking as much cranberry juice as last time...) and then go to the show. Enjoy Reagan Youth, then go to Tanzen's. Cut my hair at some point, watch SNL, hopefully eat some Life cereal, play guitar, etc. It'll be great. = )

I FINISHED APPLYING FOR COLLEGE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! = ) Basically, the greatest fear of my life is off of my shoulders. Now it's just up to admissions people, and they can do what they want. Hopefully, I get into to like 8 out of 12 (I know, I applied to way too many schools). Anyway, around April I'll tell y'all the good news. = )

I don't know, I'm tired. 

But I have a question:

Okay, so, with certain guys, I would kiss them and I would literally get weak in the knees. That doesn't happen with Zack. There's no fire there (besides us being two teenagers who like each other). In some ways, I feel like he's just more of a safe choice, rather than like the perfect guy for me. I wish there were more sparks, but it's cool. He's the kind of guy who we're kind of like a great couple, and we'll just work it out. (We put down the deposits on our room after prom, we're sharing a suite with my two good friends and their dates. It's an open room though, with a pull out couch, so it's like two beds and a pull out couch... ugh. AWKWARD. haha).

Should I worry if there are no sparks? That's my question. = )

Well, I'm off to sleep. Good night guys, love you all.

= )

Lucy

The Biggest Lie

I don't have time to write a detailed blog, so here's a synopsis:

School's been crazy and I'm not getting enough sleep, feeling like shit, and just kind of am wondering if the ceiling is going to cave in on my head.

Got drunk with my friends on saturday and wandered around the city writing things like "Cock" "Ass" etc. on people's car windows in the snow. The next morning Tanzen and I smoked, but her dad was there which led to us almost getting caught twice. Tanzen said the funniest thing I have ever heard: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality" (she was drunk when she said that, haha). Jordan saw the girl we all hate at the show he went to, and he called and I got to talk to him and Papa Jay. I got into a horrible mood on the train, I started to cry and shit, I just felt hopeless. I seriously think it's the combination of sleep-deprivation, Sunday, and weed. I hate weed. It really just fucks with my head. 

One thing that we did talk about was how we know that we're going somewhere. I've always felt that there was something about me that meant I was going to do something. Anything. Not in a conceited way, it's just, you can't be born into this world with weird circumstances and lead a weird life and not do SOMETHING. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was going to be end up being a prophet. Not that I'm better than anyone, with each day I just realize how much more fucked up I am than most people I know, but its whatever. I'm going to make something of myself. Anything. Just something that makes me happy at the end of the day.

I'm also wondering if I go straight for the rest of the year and stop touching drugs. Period. What? Am I serious? I have no idea. We'll see how long it lasts. If I keep it going the one good thing will be the relief of not having to hide away shit. There are a few exceptions, but I doubt I'll get a hold of these exceptions... I'm waiting to worry about that shit at a later date.

Well, I'm going to see Reagan Youth on saturday, so I'll probably come back on after that. Everyone have a nice week! = )

NYE, the end of winter break, and the beginning of 2009.

NYE:

As the rest of my friend's partied and my mother got slousched, I sat with my 22-yr-old cousin and watching Discovery Health shows. Having popped the hydrocodone I found in their house, I was feeling alright. I had been popping them for the past few days, which meant that I was very much feeling quite sober. Anyway, it was kind of a bust. Jordan called me and we discussed this girl that we both hate. He hadn't realized how fucked up she was until that day. Yes, it was quite uneventful, but that's okay I guess.

End of winter break:

I want to cry. I don't want to go back to school. I hate school. Fuck school. Mostly I don't want to do homework. I haven't studied at all for my Latin test, and it's tomorrow. Fuck fuck fuck. I wish winter break lasted forever.

The beginning of 2009:

Well, I've spent 3 out of 4 days in 2009 on some kind of drug. I don't know what that will predict for the rest of my year. I smoked with Lauren last night, which was alright. I wish I had just stayed home kind of. Her sisters tarted to fight with Lauren and the rest of her family, she made Lauren cry, and her parents were ready to like beat her. She's such a bitch. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm home now. I was really happy to see my parents. Lauren's sister had percocet cause she had her wisdom teeth out. Sadly, when she left her parents gave her her pills to take with her. Darn. Well, whatever, it would have been great too because she's such a bitch.

An actual post:

I'm reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce for English class. It's a pretty good book. At first I was confused and put off by the style, it's very odd because it starts when he is a child and the style makes it very jumbled like a kid's brain. I'm also almost done with this book Narcisa by Jonathan Shaw. IT'S AMAZING. Honestly, if you enjoy any druggie books, then you will love it. Beyond that, which is the reason I picked it up, it's very odd and poetic (not oddly poetic, though that could apply as well). The main character/narrator is a biker living in Rio De Janeiro who is an ex-heroin addict from way back in the day. He falls in love with this beautiful young girl who becomes addicted to crack. Now the way I just wrote that sounds terrible right? Well, if you pick up the book you'll realize that, as bad as my description was, it was a great book. Also, it's got a lot of references to philosophy, which I dig and cool quotes. If you enjoyed Naked Lunch for those moments when the poetry of what he was saying came through, then you will enjoy Narcisa! = )

At the moment, I'm watching "Bad Girls," which is a show about an all women's prison in England. I first liked watching it because there were English accents involved (also because I found it last year after getting out of the hospital from the abscess and it was on during the day). Okay, I haven't watched in a while. There's this jail guard who is a "smack heid," so of course I'm rooting for him. I feel bad, but he's been able to avoid getting caught. Oh man, he's attractive.

Anthony was annoying me over break, and kept texting me for no reason that I could figure out. And then he was talking about hanging out and I said: Are you trying to get back together? And he said: Do you want to? Well, after me bascially running him around with random shit (due to the goading of my cousins' friend, who I've had a crush on since I was like 12, he's now 34... hey, a girl can dream = ) I told him: no. I told Zack because I felt like he should know. One thing that I was worried about was that Zack would get territorial. I kind of like that in a guy, but I think he would have had to have been having a bad day for him, when him being bipolar really shows (I have those days too, so it's okay). I don't think Zack thinks of Anthony as a real threat. The only thing that I worry about is that, me, without thinking, will end up doing something stupid with a cute punk boy. I have never cheated on anyone before, so it's not like something that's a pattern. I don't know, I say I love Zack, and I really think that I do. Then again, I love all of my friends, so, how could I not love him? I don't know, I'm 17, so it's whatever. Who can say that teenage love is a wholly bad thing?

I would love something to eat right now... Some warm soup and crackers, or reheated Chinese/Japanese food... or a nap. Yeah, a nap sounds lovely. I'm cold and ready to nod out... 

Well, guys, I would much rather read about your New Year's.

Love and luck in the 2009th year of our Lord (more like their Lord, but whatever, I like how it sounds),

Lucy

P.S. I will have a much more exciting post once I see Zack and go into the city on saturday. We're having a dinner at this diner I like with a lot of my friends, going to eat, then drink, and then run amok. = )

Take Back This City

I'll make this fast because I have to keep this on the DL and I'm sitting in my Aunt's living room.

Plans for New Year's:

- Party with my cousin Chesna and her friends, which will mean I get some booze

- Chilling with my cousin at her place, which means I will get high with some leftover pills I found

- Chilling with everyone at my aunt and uncle's place, "

I wish I was home to go chill with all of my friends, they all get to go off and party, while I'm stuck with my family. But, no matter, I'll do what I do.

I miss the city. People keep asking me when I'm going to be there next. I really don't know, the only definite is on January 17th for a show, and then on January 31 for another show. I'm thinking about getting together with people sooner, maybe like the 10th or the 24th, one or the other.

I don't know, I'm in the mood to get high and ride the train into the city. Listening to X-Ray Spex and ready to wander the East Village. Man, I'm ready to get back. It's been too long. I need that. I need to crash on someone's couch and wake up to a cup of coffee with half a bowl of sugar in it and some really salty eggs and toast. Playing sudoku and guitar and rambling about boring shit. Making promises that were never serious, even before I said them. Haha, it's the kind of weekends I love.

Well, I'm going to try and come up with some New Year's resolutions. = )

Have a splendid New Year's Eve guys!

Let's hope that 2009 is better than 2008! = )

Love,

Lucy

Oh Shit!

My stomach... feels like... SHIT. Okay, so my stomach does what it wants. This is bad because personally, I like crapping. Not like, I enjoy, but I prefer it over not crapping (sorry this is kind of inappropriate dinner-conversation, not that we're having dinner, but you know). The problem is that me and laxatives don't work. You see, I learned this in the hospital, now, obviously, it's worse when you load me up with opiates for multiple days and then it's like, "what the fuck were you thinking?" So, there I just stopped taking their shit for a day, and then it all worked, but my 3 days of laxatives made me sick for the next two days. Today, after taking the laxatives the night before last, I can still feel my stomach just like gurgling and rumbling and ready to explode... Probably my fault for getting high on Monday night, but I don't know if I am quite sold on that... Whatever the case maybe, my stomach is being a bitch.

I am supposed to be finishing all of my supplements for colleges this week because my UofC one is due on January 2nd, and then two are due on January 15th (I've already written one), and then the last one (which I have already written) is due on February 1st. That's the last 4 out of 12. Yeah, I went a bit crazy on the applying to colleges bit, but whatever, when I'm done and accepted to multiple schools (which is definitely the most likely thing), I'll be able to relax.

I'm psyched about getting back to New York. I saw my cousin ('s cousin, but they're just referred to as my cousins because I see them every year), and he and his boyfriend live in Queens together. I told them that we're definitely going to dinner in January some time. They're really cool and it's nice to be friends with people who are far over 21. Also, I have to hang out with Tanzen and this new kid who likes me Alec (even though I'm dating Zack, it doesn't mean I can't hang out with guys, I'm not going to do anything with Alec - I'm too jealous to do that kind of shit to someone else). Anyway, I was hoping to get nice and high and roll into New York and hang with Tanzen and go to a diner and some stores and then wander back to her house in a good mood. However, if we are in the companies of "adults," then I'm going to see about getting us some whiskey. I love it. I love whiskey. My brand is Jameson - NOT Jack Daniels (mostly because I can't drink Jack straight, while I can drink Jameson straight... Jack Daniels tastes like shit to me).

I can hear my families making food in the other room. I can feel my stomach cramping up. I don't want to move. I've been really thinking about time and shit. Where I was last year at this time. I had just gotten out of the hospital two months prior at the end of October, I had to lie out of my teeth to a therapist so that my enjoyment of needles didn't get outed to my parents (oh yeah, I'm a dumbass... I have like panic attacks and shit about that whole incident.... terrible bull shit), and I was still digging a needle through the fresh scar on my left arm... Now, I have a much older scar, an incident that still gives me panic attacks, and no track marks for a little under a year. I guess, I'm doing well. I don't know. I keep thinking about New Year's resolutions like: No more drugs. But I know how unrealistic that is. I'm going to play it by ear. I'm trying to convince my mother to let me go on a roadtrip across country this summer and see all the things that I've never seen (Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Pacific Ocean (I've only seen it in Australia and New Zealand), etc.). This would keep me away from drugs for a whole, well, however long it takes, a few weeks at least. And maybe it will give me some insight.

I don't know, breakfast is going to be ready, and I want to read other people's blogs, so I'm going to stop. Have a good sunday guys, don't get too cold... = )

Love,

Lucy

Cleanliness is Godliness... and God is Empty....

(Now, the title is from a Smashing Pumpkins song. I don't really like them that much, I just know like three songs... but I felt like making that the title. Got a problem? ; )

Today is a snow day, which means I have time to blabber about my life and shit lately. My posts have been far and few between because of: A) applying to college, B) going to shows every weekend, and C) I haven't been high on ANYTHING for... well, since the wednesday before Thanksgiving, which is like 3 weeks. This kind of unintentional... kind of. In fucking February, I won't have shot up in a year... fuck, and I hate it. Because I love it. I do. Haha, I was thinking about that in the car yesterday (I love being a passenger in cars, I just sit and listen to calm music like Billy Joel (yes, I love it), and think about everything). It kind of upsets me in a way I can't put my finger in. I mean, sure I love the drugs, we all know that. I miss the action close to as much as when I don't have drugs... I kind of wanted to clean up my act for the New Year, no drugs, foreeeeeeeeeever. But I know that's not going to happen, haha, who am I really kidding here? Obviously not myself.

The other weekend, Tanzen and I were talking about shit, like we usually do. She told me that she lost her virginity like OVER the summer, and had not told me. Now, okay, so I don't want the details, that's not why I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I'm her friend who tells her anything and I feel bad when I don't tell her shit and she asks. Not that I asked about her losing her virginity, it's just like a lie by omission. She knows everything, and she kind of enjoys hearing about me and drugs and shit, as far as I can tell at least. So, we've made up this policy: full disclosure, for me she can ask me anything about drugs (she made me fucking list out the drugs I had done, haha, and in my mind I thought, "this isn't fucking humiliating," and then started to say shit) and I can ask her anything about her fucking guys.

My biggest problem with her fucking people is that: A) these guys are terrible, I know them, they're not attractive, nice, or even good people (that was my first problem with it), and B) I think she thinks it's a means to an ends of dating. I don't know, I love Tanzen, and I feel protective over her, even if I'm a dumbass and do a lot of retarded shit with my body. But, I don't believe I can die, because I'm a teenager, and I have no brain.

Speaking of me believing I can't die, a girl I know died this week. Really weird shit, because she was one I've talked about here before I think. 

Well, I give you her backstory: Last year, when she was a freshmen, she fell in with a few of my friends who were basically making themselves perfect candidates for future crackheads (I mean that literally), and so they all began to try any drug they could get their hands. This led to many of them getting sent to inpatient and outpatient rehab. She got sent into inpatient rehab for like multiple months, came home for two weeks, and then got sent right back. I remember, last year, we were all sitting at lunch and she would sit with us. She was talk about getting the results of a drug test back, and it came up positive for: opiates, cannabis, and PCP... and then she says to us, "But, guys, can someone tell me what PCP is?" I was about to start laughing, but I managed to keep my mouth shut and focus on my food. Apparently, she ODed on 'Trip C's'... Of all the drugs to die from, CODEINE. Now, having personally never tried codeine, but knowing that it's the low man on the totem pole, here are my two theories: A) the acetaminophen in tylenol3s, as in all products, can kill you if you take too much because your liver cannot process it fast enough, which means that she most likely really ODed on tylenol (haha, I know my shit man, I'm still a nerd at heart), or B) she somehow managed to get a LOT of codeine. But, the first part is obviously more likely, which is sad. I'm thinking about going to her wake, because in some ways, I did know her and she seemed like a nice person. If anything, she was just a bit clueless about life, which is sad. 

I've been pondering getting high today, here are my two concerns: 1... my friends wanted to go sledding really trashed, I think I'm being roped into smoking weed, and they want to drink too, so I have to choose. 2... I don't want to be nodding out on my Lauren's couch with her parents home, thinking, "what the fuck is wrong with Lucy?" Actually, it's Lauren's birthday today, she is turning the big ONE EIGHT, and so it would be kind of assholeish of me to get high before I go over... not that I haven't done it in the past, it just feels like a while.

Zack should be coming over and hanging out today, and I really can't wait. I really like him... it's kind of terrible. He likes me too, I know it, it's obvious. He has hair down to his waste, and I have like no hair, so it's a really funny pair that we make. We play guitar together, he even thinks my singing is good, haha, he obviously must like me because that's a hefty lie right there = ).

I'm leaving for TX on the 23, and I'm psyched for Xmas! It's going to be so much fun, I seriously cannot wait, but who can ever wait for Xmas? I can't wait to hang with my cousins, it's going to be great, they're my favorite people, EVER. Haha, family fun in TX, it's going to be great.

I'm doing well in school, I have an A+ in Statistics and LATIN. I've never gotten an A+ in Latin, so I kind of want to start praying to God or something, because he obviously had a hand in that. 

I've been going to shows for the past 5 weekends (besides one, which was my friend's birthday party in Brooklyn), which has meant me in NYC as well. I really am an NYC punk at heart, no question. I love my scene, it's the greatest place in the world. It's funny because I really do have so much NYHC pride, even though I'm from Jersey. You can all give me shit for that, but, taking Jordan's advice, I'd just tell you, "fuck off" and if you kept going well I'd probably say something like, "do you want to go?" And me being, so intimidating (lies...), you would be afraid and run in your little shiny boots. Haha, there is a girl and her crew that my friends and I have beef with. I HATE HER. She looks kind of like Chris Crocker, the one who was all LEAVE BRITENY ALONE! She's ugly as fuck and is such a little myspace whore. The funniest shit is she is bragging  about being friends with this guy Blackout Matt who is friends with everyone, and I was like, "haha, everyone is friends with him, you're not special." The funny thing is that all of these grey-hairs have adopted me as like their little teenage punk to look after. Seriously. They hang out with me at shows, some give me whiskey and beers, they give me their band's shit for free. Papa Jay is my adopted father, who gives me whiskey of course. I love him, he's so cool, and he supports all of my crazy creative shit I do. But, yeah, that girl can suck it. The only thing I worry about is that there's going to be a show on the 27th that I know her and her friends will be at. I won't be there because I'll be there, but my other friends will be. I don't want her messing with my friends, I get very mama tiger around my friends who are girls. Mostly because out of all of them I am the only one in the pit with the boys, the only one who could take a fight, who would take a fight. If she fucks with my friends, then it's on. No one can fuck with my friends and get away with it. Even if we fight and I get really fucked up, I'd rather that then her giving my friends shit.

BTW, I'm working on my chap book of poetry for the New Year, it should be fantastic (obviously). Haha, so, I'm sure that will be exciting. I'm trying to get more bands to let me read poetry at their shows, because it's so much fun. Yeah, I love it... I feel really cool when people call me "Lucy B." because that's like my name. Woah, I have a nickname in the NYC punk scene. Stop laughing, it's really cool to me! = ) Haha, I'm such a teenager.

Well, guys, merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Happy New Years! I'll be posting to y'all in the new year, if not sooner... with some resolutions, hopefully. = )

Check ya later!

Love from the East Coast! = )

- Lucinda!

Drink, Drank, Punk

Okay, so I'm going to try and sort out what happened yesterday at the show in a way that makes sense. I'll do it in steps, it'll make it easier for me to right it out. (BTW, Jay is the lead singer of Endangered Feces, Jay C. is the lead singer of Aggressive Force... two different people, hookay?)

1.) Got on the subway, about a 20 minute trip on the F to Delancy. Right when I got into the station, Santina and Nicole were there. So we all figured out where it was.

2.) We hung out there, and talked to Jay L.. We all hung out there together, just waiting around for about an hour. I felt fucked up, it's actually the way I usually feel the day before I get really sick.

3.) After about an hour or so we all walked in, paid our $7.

4.) Charles said his poem, then I said mine... I'm gonna post the video of my poem at the end of this post.

5.) Endangered Feces went on. Jay C., Jordan, and I were basically the ones throwing all of the toilet paper at the crowd.

6.) After they were done I was talking to Jay and a few others, he was drinking out of a Powerade bottle which I knew had some kind of alcohol in it. He hands it to me and tells me to taste the "newest flavor of Powerade."

7.) When he finally realized how much I've had he became very concerned, and a bit surprised. He basically dragged me to the deli across the street to buy me water and pretzels. And then it HIT ME!

8.) My first thought was "OH MY GOD! What the fuck have I done???" It's slowly getting worse and worse and worse. And suddenly I'm so fucked.

9.) Basically I sat down on the floor inside and ate the pretzels and drank the water. Listening to Kissy Kamikaze. A little bit into that I went into the back and sat out on the chairs with Daniella (who Jay basically entrusted me to), her new Irish bf (directly off the boat, apparently), Santina, Nicole, Tanzen, and Jay stayed there for a bit too.

10.) Jordan and Jay C. are out there with their girls, and we're all talking. Everyone is very nice and basically telling me to not worry about it, that everyone does this, and not to worry about it.

11.) Tanzen leaves at some point, and I finally make it back inside. (By this time I think I had drank the first bottle of water, and now I keep peeing and peeing and peeing) The Ray Gradys were playing and were covering Zero Boys, which was amazing. I got up there and was singing with Jay and Jordan on the mic. Haha, the three drunks all on the microphone, so not surprising. I went to sitting on the crates in the back, because my steadiness was uhh... not so good. Jordan and Jay C. are skanking, and Jordan grabs me by my shirt and pulls me off the crate. Right as that happened Jay came over to hit him and actually ended up hitting me in the face, so they quickly grabbed me and pulled me onto my feet and shoved me onto the crate again. Santina let me rest my head on her shoulder and they all made sure everything was cool. It was kinda funny, it didn't bother me at all. My face got numb, and then kinda hurt, but that's fine.

12.) Santina, Nicole, Jay, Daniella, me, and the two twins (who I have now met, they're really cool guys, really nice) were standing on the street (besides me, I'm sitting on the ground resting my head against Jay's knee, who is just kind of petting my head, I think he felt kinda bad).

13.) Santina and Nicole leave and Jay and Charles are now watching me. The guy from the Ray Gradys held the door for me as I pissed because the door wouldn't close to the bathroom. Jay and I walk to get his car, and then we drive back to the show. Jay and Charles basically sit me in the car and I'm feeling a bit more sober. After about 15 minutes and me listening to them talk while they load up the car we're off. We drive up to this bagel place on like 4th ave 20 something. Jay buys me a big cup of coffee, I pee again. By this time my piss is legitimately clear. We're all talking as Jay drives me to Penn, Charles volunteers to make sure I'm fine getting to the terminal. He drops me off, I say good bye to Jay, and thank him and apologize. Charles walks me in and I give him a hug goodbye and he walks off. I go to the bathroom and pee again (holy shit, I probably peed like 8 times in about 3 hours, it was ridiculous).

14.) The train ride wasn't too bad because I spent the entirety of it on the phone talking to Lauren and Nina and Santina on the phone. It was actually quite entertaining.

15.) I get home around 10:30 and pee again. I feel like shit, probably because I haven't eaten anything besides one bag of pretzels since 11 in the morning. I hang with my rents for a bit, I tell them that I think I have a stomach virus.

It was actually a really entertaining night, I had a really good time. It's kind of funny, but I really enjoyed myself. I've never been drunk before, and definitely never had whiskey (Jameson... apparently Endangered Feces really likes it, they call it the nectar of the Emerald Isle). Didn't puke, which I'm impressed with. My guess is that I had approximately 4 or 5 shots, I don't know how much Jameson gets a regular person drunk.

Here are my questions: How much Jameson gets a regular person drunk? How much Jameson makes a regular person puke?

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was shaking so bad. I realized it was because I was really cold, so I put on a sweatshirt and socks, which made it almost completely stop. I didn't fall asleep until about 1 a.m. or so, and I woke up at 7 a.m.... What the fuck? I'm still feeling a bit off, but eating really really helped me. I need to eat some more. Next time Jay offers me something, I will not be drinking that much and I'm gonna ask him what it is.

Haha, wow, how was your saturday? = )

Here's the video as promised: (BTW, the guy standing behind me laughing, with half a head of hair is Jay C.)