Oh Shit!

My stomach... feels like... SHIT. Okay, so my stomach does what it wants. This is bad because personally, I like crapping. Not like, I enjoy, but I prefer it over not crapping (sorry this is kind of inappropriate dinner-conversation, not that we're having dinner, but you know). The problem is that me and laxatives don't work. You see, I learned this in the hospital, now, obviously, it's worse when you load me up with opiates for multiple days and then it's like, "what the fuck were you thinking?" So, there I just stopped taking their shit for a day, and then it all worked, but my 3 days of laxatives made me sick for the next two days. Today, after taking the laxatives the night before last, I can still feel my stomach just like gurgling and rumbling and ready to explode... Probably my fault for getting high on Monday night, but I don't know if I am quite sold on that... Whatever the case maybe, my stomach is being a bitch.

I am supposed to be finishing all of my supplements for colleges this week because my UofC one is due on January 2nd, and then two are due on January 15th (I've already written one), and then the last one (which I have already written) is due on February 1st. That's the last 4 out of 12. Yeah, I went a bit crazy on the applying to colleges bit, but whatever, when I'm done and accepted to multiple schools (which is definitely the most likely thing), I'll be able to relax.

I'm psyched about getting back to New York. I saw my cousin ('s cousin, but they're just referred to as my cousins because I see them every year), and he and his boyfriend live in Queens together. I told them that we're definitely going to dinner in January some time. They're really cool and it's nice to be friends with people who are far over 21. Also, I have to hang out with Tanzen and this new kid who likes me Alec (even though I'm dating Zack, it doesn't mean I can't hang out with guys, I'm not going to do anything with Alec - I'm too jealous to do that kind of shit to someone else). Anyway, I was hoping to get nice and high and roll into New York and hang with Tanzen and go to a diner and some stores and then wander back to her house in a good mood. However, if we are in the companies of "adults," then I'm going to see about getting us some whiskey. I love it. I love whiskey. My brand is Jameson - NOT Jack Daniels (mostly because I can't drink Jack straight, while I can drink Jameson straight... Jack Daniels tastes like shit to me).

I can hear my families making food in the other room. I can feel my stomach cramping up. I don't want to move. I've been really thinking about time and shit. Where I was last year at this time. I had just gotten out of the hospital two months prior at the end of October, I had to lie out of my teeth to a therapist so that my enjoyment of needles didn't get outed to my parents (oh yeah, I'm a dumbass... I have like panic attacks and shit about that whole incident.... terrible bull shit), and I was still digging a needle through the fresh scar on my left arm... Now, I have a much older scar, an incident that still gives me panic attacks, and no track marks for a little under a year. I guess, I'm doing well. I don't know. I keep thinking about New Year's resolutions like: No more drugs. But I know how unrealistic that is. I'm going to play it by ear. I'm trying to convince my mother to let me go on a roadtrip across country this summer and see all the things that I've never seen (Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Pacific Ocean (I've only seen it in Australia and New Zealand), etc.). This would keep me away from drugs for a whole, well, however long it takes, a few weeks at least. And maybe it will give me some insight.

I don't know, breakfast is going to be ready, and I want to read other people's blogs, so I'm going to stop. Have a good sunday guys, don't get too cold... = )

Love,

Lucy