Humidity hung thick, as we walked back down the street to find the deli for more beer. The empty blocks of warehouses covered in graffiti and piss reverberated as I yelled how all I wanted were some drugs, please. I guess it wasn't really helping the situation, as we stumbled 200 feet behind a friend and her two acquaintances (allegedly I kicked one of the acquaintances in the head, after announcing that I wouldn't), making sure not to draw any attention to ourselves. They disappeared into a store about a block ahead of us, which we followed them into.
WE HAD FOUND IT.
THE CLOSEST DELI.
Yeah, I know. Pretty anti-climactic. Sorry about that. I wanted to draw you guys in, I guess. I'll recap the last few months as quick as I can:
-dated really sweet guy, forced to break up with him because he was too needy
-dropped acid for the first time--I now understand the squirrels (we climbed trees all day in Central Park)
-ran out of speed
-bought pot for the first time in ages
-offered speed by a friend, who sadly ended up leaving for a trip before I could procure it from her
-was given NuVigil by another friend to help counteract the inability I have to being awake before 12:30
-and am now sitting here... recuperating from a night of beer, punk shows, and fights (not me fighting, but everyone else around us, at one point I was in a hallway with a fight going on at each end).
I've been journaling a lot, sadly not on here. (by a lot, I mean for the past few days on the train).
I'm gonna keep posting stuff here though. I'm just bored, and empty. Like, it's not the depression kind of empty, it's the when-I-look-to-gage-my-emotions-there-doesn't-seem-to-be-any-occurring empty. I'm excited to try the NuVigil, I just need to entertain my brain some more. I'm hopefully getting money to buy coke with this week. My friend has really good connects, and so I'm going to share a bit with her as a finders fee. I figure that's only fair, seeing as how she's working at this cafe with me, and new hires don't get paid for like a month and a half after they start. I don't know, I'm hoping that will entertain me for long enough.
Anyway, I'm mad tired, and distracted by some crazy vampire movie on SyFy...
I'll post later after I try the NuVigil and maybe about the acid.
P.S. Anyone get raptured yesterday?
I got a Gibson, without a case, but I can't get that even-tanned look on my face, ill-fitting clothes and I blend in the crowd, fingers so clumsy, voice too loud, but I'm one, I am one, and I can see that this is me, and I will be, you'll all see I'm the one...
So much has changed in the past month... I've gone back to school... I've been having horrible panic attacks, so I've been put on medication which I take nightly so that I don't get them. It kind of works, but I haven't been getting much sleep. At the moment I'm sick with some weird bug, I feel kind of like someone has been beating me over the head with a stick and in my stomach.
My main concern for tonight: To steal or not to steal my roommate's hydrocodone cough syrup. She doesn't need it, she's no longer sick. Figured I could prob cut it with water... at first I thought about doing it with other cherry flavored cough syrup, but I don't know, don't want to kill her or anyone else if she ends up taking it for some other reason in the future. It's just chilling there on her desk taunting me... it's very tempting, and I might take some... just to see how it goes... I don't know, boredom does not bring out my best qualities.
And umm... yeah... fuck it... I'll just take some...
Someone stole my wallet today. I had laughed about it before I had realized it was actually truly missing, thinking: gosh, that crackhead would be disappointed when he realized there was only 13 bucks in it. That cunt charged 100$ on my credit card for the subway. Asshole. The bank, luckily, cancelled the card and is going to refund me the money.
But I guess, at least, the speed tucked in my bedroom drawer is here to keep me entertained and off the many nagging thoughts of all the shit I'm going to have to do in the coming days. I'm on break from school right now until the end of January. It's nice to be away from everything. I've just been reading and hanging out with people.
I've finished two books by my favorite new author in the past 3 days. Tony O'neill is amazing. Read his shit. Ironically, his auto-biography is the least interesting of the 3, I've read. I think I like Down and Out on Murder Mile the best, with Sick City at a close second.
Anyway, hope you guys are having a better day than I am,
My stomach is full of chocolate, milk, and percocet. I feel like a science experiment got wrong. I got sick at dinner tonight. We were at a fancy steak house, with nosy waiters and polished silver. My head first began to hurt and immediately the nausea kicked in, I could barely form sentences because there was too much noise and too many sights and thinking was too hard between the pain and the overwhelming scene. My mom took me outside and as I sat on the bench, in my cream sweater and dress shoes, wondering what was happening to my body, I began to shiver, but feel better. All I need is cold air and a quiet spot and I'm better. I have no idea what's happening to my body and it's really starting to freak me out.
Right now I'm trying to calm my friend down who thinks her boyfriend might kill himself. I feel bad. I feel powerless in plucking the advice out of the air. Usually, I know exactly what to do or say, I know how to read people. I know how to calm down fights and fix relationships and deal with bosses. But this. This is where I fail. Because no one can know exactly how a, possibly, suicidal person is going to react. In my experience, none of my friends who were suicidal have killed themselves and all we usually ever did was tell them how much we cared about them and that we were there for them. Although we couldn't help them completely, as long as we could get them to calm down enough to talk to us and get down to a more level mental state I felt better about it for the time being.
I feel so bad. I also told M, this new guy I'm seeing, not to smoke opium again. I am a hypocrite. I guess, it's to be expected. I'm doing finals this week and then off for Christmas.
I had things to say, but they're lost in my gut of sugar and oxy. Fuck.
So high. I haven't been this high in a long time. It feels heavier than usual. My head feels full of fishing weights, rolling around and pulling me down. I'm doing sudoku and watching trashy tv. My favorite things to do while high. I guess it's appropriate for my generation. Multi-tasking with reality TV and a game that does not involve any true knowledge.