I've realized as I've watched other teenagers either slip into addiction or down the path to addiction that it is much easier to become addicted than to watch someone become addicted. Seeing my friends and hearing them talk I know what is occurring. Lauren is slowly becoming a stoner who cannot get a G to last her a week, if she has a 1.5 Gs she gets nervous. I sit here, the kid who would much rather you giver her a new needle than a new pair of shoes (though I really like the shoes my mom gave me, not gonna lie, they're fresh and they make her happy). Maya and her friends, including Laura, are/were running down the path towards serious addiction. The kind that can, and has, killed stronger people. I watch this and it sickens me. I do shit and I keep it hidden. It's my little secret that I reveal to the few who can keep it, who see me as a teenager with a problem, rather than a someone with a problem that is a teenager. My secrecy means that people don't worry about me, besides the ones who know, and that makes me feel better about it in some ways. I don't want to worry my friends.
I remember last year seeing Maya in the atrium. Me, with my track marks hidden under long sleeves, and her with her greasey head. I was walking in one direction and her the other. I saw her unkempt appearance as an outward sign of her inner demons. Popping tylenol 3s, (they call them "tripCs," even the slang makes me laugh), which I am pretty sure will only escalate. What makes me laugh the most was how she bragged about it. I was at this New Years party last year, lying on the floor, eyes closed, trying to make sure I did not nod out on their floor. She's trying to boast about her drugs, and I begin to laugh. I'm attempting to contain my giggling, because everyone is going to be like, "why the fuck is Lucy laughing at Maya and her drugs? they're so hardcore..." She was saying something about how she didn't eat because they suppressed her appetite. My only thought was, "No... just shut up. You sound like an idiot. Are you trying to make yourself sound like an addict? I'm pretty sure I can win that competition..."
Even if my feelings towards Maya are kind of, well, hostile, I still felt bad. I've known Maya since we were in 6th grade together. Here she is now, a fucking 12th grader, and we're discussing if she's still in rehab. (No one knew if she was still in it, we were discussing if she was getting help and shit... just the average lunchtime conversation, right?)
I don't like watching my friends in pain. I wish I could heal it. I wish I could make them see themselves like I see them, as strong young women, who have really grown up. We all have, and it's weird to see it now how different we all are. I can be an addict, I can think it in my head, I have trouble verbalizing it, but I can say it if I have to -- it doesn't bother me as much as seeing my friends really fucked up. Them looking really wasted can kill my buzz because then I just feel bad. I feel guilty, like I'm a part of their decline. I don't want to be that.
I am protective of my friends because they are my family. I would do anything for most of them. I would beat the shit out of anyone who fucked with them, I would back them up if a teacher hassled them, I would do whatever it takes -- my friends are my life. I don't want them to be in pain.
My head feels heavy and pressurized, I need to lay down because I have a bad headache. I guess it's from getting high, I used to get bad headaches a lot. I would use for a week daily and then stop on the weekends and I would get terrible headaches. Then sometimes they would occur while I was getting high.
I don't know, I need to lay down and let my head rest.
6 comments:
Hey thanks for the message you left at mine...
I have to come back to this post with something more thoughtful to say than just the rubbish from the top of my head
in the meanwhile I wanted to wish you a Merry one and a v Happy 2009!
OK I am back.
O man you don't want to become a full-on addict. Only when you're losing a kind of innocence I cannot describe do you realize it's too late. Heroin really gets under your skin it is really hard to kick no matter what anyone says. It is however relatively easy in the early stages tho still not nice.
Erm... that is preaching over
I wish I'd never got into injecting it means nothing else I take seems to touch the sides. Someone gave me drinking morphine the other day I drank a small glass full. All it did was give the best sleep and wake up feeling silky... no real "high" at all...
Merry Christmas!!
-Kelley
Hey I just got your message re snow in NJ... really you have mountains and all..?? I don't know why but I always assumed New Jersey was a sprawling urban offshoot from NYC... or that's just one bit of it... near that "turnpike"... right?
hope you did have a merry one ;->...
Yeah, I don't want to be say things like: I will never become a full-on heroin addict. It's just not a realistic thing, especially where my head is at the time. But, I'm not going out of my way to find heroin, and heroin doesn't appear to be running towards me, so I am not too worried.
Yeah, people have no idea about NJ. Where I lives is mostly just woods, and the suburbs. There is really only a few urban areas - Atlantic City, Newark, Camden, all the nasty places people talk about. Personally, there places that I don't go, and yes they're not nice. The thing is, every place has those nasty cities.
We have farms and forests and mountains and beaches. I get very defensive when people start talking shit about my state (not that you were, but other people sure love to). Most of the people have never been to Jersey, and the rest have only driven through... People really love talking from places of ignorance... This was not a commentary on you, just a commentary on my state and assholes who like to give me shit for it... Sadly, they have also given you a misrepresentation of my state.
BTW, I hope you had a merry Christmas! And will have a happy New Year! = )
hey, new here, saw you on melody's...
i'm 20 and i can relate to this hardcore... when i was like 15 a bunch of friends n i started using meth. well, more like i started and a bunch of kids got into it w/ me n after me. there were 9 of us who got really into it, like multiple times a day into it, n 3 are now clean, 2 are still using and 4 are dead. i've heard heroins harder to kick than meth, i dunno i've only tried it twice. but ya, it's crazy how fast shit gets real. i don't really have any sage advice for ya, just wanted to say i know where ur comin' from. like shit that happened to me from that crap was like 1/100 as big a deal to me as anything that happened to my crew, and like i feel guilt and anger and sadness out the wazoo for the way shit went down.
write on grl.
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