I'm bored out of my mind, I hate the entire world, I feel like killing myself... ooop, guess what? What's a 17 year old junky to do without any gear? Eat, do homework, complain, do some more homework, eat, listen to music, read, attempt to sleep. This monotony is going to beat the crap out of my brain. I feel like I should be slamming my head into the wall, or running away. I'm too dedicated to this ideal life of senior year and then college, I can't run away. I mean, I can, I've thought about it a lot since I was younger. You are in the bottom of floor of Penn Station where the LIRR tracks are. You wander over to the 123 and hop on a train to Christopher and Sheridan Street. You wander over to someone's house and call them to see where they are. They don't answer. You wander over to St. Mark's and into Tompkins. You see the crusties and the Vietname vets. You sit down on a bench. You end your past life. This makes me think of this girl I knew Devon, who was kicked out of her house last spring and had to stay in a park for 2 nights. On the third night her friend found her and took her home. She then spent the next few weeks moving from friend's house to friend's house. It was all because she got a B on a test or something. Her dad, a pot dealer, is apparently a stickler for grades (the irony of the century). She's a cool kid, and he let her back into the house in the end of August.
I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to guitar lessons, I want to get high and sleep. Rinse, repeat. I know it's just the absence of drugs that is the cause of these feelings. They just feel overwhelming, I just don't see any point right now. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow has to be better.
2 comments:
You're very smart and you think too much for your own good. Most straight people take it as a given that Junkies are stupid. That is not usually the case, if anything some of us are too intelligent. We see the way things are and analyze it until it feels like our brains are gonna liquify from the sheer madness of it all. This world makes no sense whatsoever.
After awhile self-medication is the only thing that keeps us from climbing to the top of a tall building and eating asphalt.
Cheerful, I know. Being uncommonly brilliant (as we assuredly are)makes it a hudred times more difficult to live the way society thinks we should, because we know what a crock of shit the american dream really is. We are doomed to see the true nature of things every time we walk past a Wal-Mart Supercenter or Kentucky Fried Chicken. Get outta your own head girl, even if it's only for a little while. Life will keep comin at you either way but it's much better when you face it on your terms. Tell it to go fuck itself and do what you feel is right for you.
Whew, I think I have just been the victim of a anti-establishment driven, spasticated siezure. Forget all that other shit and just do what is right for you, you'll know it when you see it.
Haha, I definitely need to like relax my brain. I agree with you, I feel like junk keeps most of us from going nuts. That's why I think I'm more happy with it in my life, it gives me a respite from all the real world bullshit that's driving the shit out of me. = )
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