Bored of Television

MUSIC AND COMICS:

The Methadones keep telling me, "I'm bored of television, but I'm always keeping it on." I smile. It's a good song. It came on this compilation that came with this comic book I got in Chicago. The comic is a classic punk-stoner-mid-20s dude one, which are my favorites (haha). I keep thinking about how the compilation comic I'm in will be out in November, I can't wait. It's kinda weird to think about, but it's awesome. None of my friends are really psyched about it, but I'm so excited. I really wish I knew some zines where the writers didn't already do all the comics. I've been working on one about a guy who works at the Gap and, in an attempt to stick it to the man, begins to remove the body parts of some of the customers while working in the fitting room. He then sells their body parts to different stores to use as mannequin parts. I think I've already talked about it, I have the first 4 boxes done, but I think it will take probably 16 boxes in total. That seems like a good number, something that would make a long enough story.

DISBELIEF AND SICKNESS:

I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of summer, it's making me feel almost sick. There's been a weird haze hanging over me for the past few days, I've been dizzy, hot, tired, and just feeling out of it. It's a weird state, something that I would attribute to being high if I wasn't stone cold sober the times that it occurs. It makes me nervous because being all wobbly is only going to make people suspicious, which is all I need.

GROWING UP AND WHO I AM:

I don't even want to think about school, I've been trying to do all the work for it, but I've had trouble concentrating. I can't believe I'm starting senior year. That's crazy. I'm turning 18 in 6 months which is even crazier. I know how dumb both of those things sound, it just doesn't seem like I'm that old. I definitely don't feel 17, I feel like so much younger. I don't want to grow up, I want to be a teenager forever. The only thing good about growing up is moving out and having some privacy and freedom. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions: one to college and success, and the other anywhere wherever I want, not caring about what's going to happen. I can't reconcile the two, it's really bothering me. I know I'm going to end up in college, it's set up and fixed, it's like a giant boulder on the path. In some ways I think of the song "16" by Green Day, "I wish my youth would last forever, why are these times so unfair?" It's corny, I know that, but I guess I just feel like I don't want to be expected to be all together and set like adults are supposed to be. The more and more I see the more and more disillusioned I feel. Every adult I meet seems worse and worse off than the first one and I can't reconcile it with how they are "supposed" to be. People keep telling me what I am and what I'm not. "You look like a punk." "You're a stoner." "You're a nerd." All these people want to label me, well I'm way more than a fucking label. I'm a typhoon that's going to kick the shit out of you unless you back off. I'm the kid who walks into school everyday just praying that you're going to pick a fight because all I want to do is punch something, anything, and your face will do just fine. I'm the kid who you push on the stairs who is going to push you harder, and when you ask why, I'm just going to chuckle. I'm the kid at the show who knows the band, who has patches on the table that the band is selling. I'm the one at the front of the stage who the singer is poking in the head. I'm the kid who you tell your friends about and suddenly I'm meeting people who all know my name. I'm the kid who you have no idea where I'm from but you assume I'm a local. And you know what, I fucking love who I am. That's what I've come to realize, there is nothing I want to change about myself. All of my mistakes are my own and any shit that I get into I will have to face, I can't deny it and I can't change it. Everyone else want's to deny who they are and they want pretend they are someone else, but I see through most of them and that's what makes me angry. I hate all of these phonies that I have to deal with day to day. I can see most people's true colors and I usually see things that I hate. Sure, sometimes I'm weak, sometimes I get sad, but I know that and I own that. In some ways, I'm excited about school, I love dealing with everyone. Alone my emotions are so boring, there is no one to combat them, no one to alleviate them or make them worse. I love school because it brings out happiness, love, humor, anger, pain, it brings out everything. I love school because with human interaction you figure out your true character, it forces you to change and do things you can't do alone. I love school because it is so entertaining, I hate the boredom, but I love all the emotions that it brings into me. I love feeling things; for 7 hours a day I have no reprieve and everything is more real.

TODAY (NYC AND AT HOME):

Today was a good day. I had to wake up early which was horrible. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. My mother and I loaded into the car and we drove off to NYC. I love the drive and I know all the sights by heart. Slowly as we approach you see the entire New York skyline and I can just feel all the possibilities spread out before me. That is why most people will tell you they love New York, it has every possibility you could want, all you need is a way to find it. As I drove past I wondered how many people were taking their morning shots, it was 7:45. We finally got there around 9:15, right in time for my doctor appointment. We discussed my knee and all the regular crap. I have to have a blood test, which always makes me nervous. I'm worried that my parents are going to sneak a drug test in there (I'm convinced that they would take such pleasure in that, sadistic freaks). We were done by 9:35 and driving out of the city. The drive back is even better, we drive back on the West Side, which is truly beautiful. I've always enjoyed sitting the passenger seat, alone with my music. I got home around 12 and slept until 3, at which point my neighbor Katie came over.  I've known Katie since we were children and we're almost like sisters. We sat around and hung out as always, Katie says something strange, I say something back, she miss hears me, I correct her, we both laugh; it's a time tested method of communicating between two insane people. It's always fun, though occasionally it really tries my patience. Katie and I are like two really insane old ladies. She made me watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager," which I was hoping I was going to hate. But, I have to admit that it wasn't horrible. Now I'm watching the Cleaner, which is, as it is every week, so good. Haha, this week it's about a high school student (a senior) who is addicted to heroin. I think I'm going to watch it again in the next hour. The pills are starting to kick in and I'm starting to feel better.

SLEEP AND PARANOIA:

I'm having some problems with sleep. I get in bed at 11 and I can't fall asleep until 1:30, it's driving me up a wall. I just wish that I could be like normal people and get in bed and fall asleep. My mom and I were just discussing this. We were talking and she was staring into my eyes and I was freaking out. My brain is screaming, "SHE KNOWS SHE KNOWS SHE KNOWS ABORT ABORT ABORT GET OUT OF THE ROOM." I keep talking to her and slowly I back up into the hallway where the light is off. I get into my room and shut the door. I stare at my eyes in the mirror. My pupils are fine, I look gross and dirty, but not obviously high. Ugh, paranoia probably helping my sleeping either.

CONCLUSION:

Anyway, I hope everyone else is feeling great and is sleeping better than me.

THE METHADONES, "BORED OF TELEVISION":