Sick

I was so sick for four days. I honestly wondered if my innards were eating themselves. Let's just say that everything in my digestive track just kinda became concrete. Today, I thought I was going to die, I took some laxatives last night so that I felt better for tomorrow's show. Well, after second block they took effect and I didn't want to use a school bathroom, so I decided to wait until I got home. Anthony and I couldn't hang today because he had to go practice ice skating for hockey. We hung out in the radio station until he left around 5, I worry that I embarrass him. He hugged me good bye and his friend Matt said, "Aww, that's cute." I felt bad, but I really did want a hug. Let's just say that I got home, I thought I was going to die on the way home, but now I'm feeling much better.

The biggest news of today is my new pal, who I don't remember the name of. Anyway, here's the story: I met her a few days ago at gym class. She said she moved here with her mother. Today she opened up to me, realizing that I was of the druggy breed, and she's staying at a group home for the next 6 months. She's been sober for 3 months (I have a feeling that won't be kept up after she gets out), and she is also on probation. I told her about the scar on my arm, I told her to guess what the infection was from, her guesses were: cutting (how 8th grade) and self tattooing (haha, I have one on my left ankle actually, a blue star made out of sharpie and a safety pin, at 15 I was kinda dumb). I told her she was wrong, obviously, and she said, "well then my only other guess is heroin" (apparently, needle use and heroin is interchangeable, what the fuck?). I said, "Not exactly, but the same kinda deal. Never lick your needles." I don't know if she was cool with it or not, I think she was kinda taken-aback (hey, I'm not the one in the group home). But, she's cool, I think her name might be like Nicole or something. I have a feeling we're going to get along just fine. She's conning her psychiatrist into giving her adderal or something else to control her "ADHD" (a.k.a. her junky lies). I'm kinda impressed that she could get it that easily, her lying is in fact fairly impressive. I've done like 1.5 months sober before and that was too long for me. I'm really impressed by her 3 months, though I feel like probation and a group home makes that a more appealing option. So, hopefully, I'll have more to say about her when we have gym again on tuesday. 

Tomorrow is the Reagan Youth show, which is exciting. I'm quite psyched actually, I'm thinking about waking up early on sunday morning and maybe Tanzen and I wondering around the village for a while. I think I'm going to see about getting her to help me out. I know it's kinda bad, but if you're going to offer me a helping hand and not expect me to take it then don't ask. I feel so tired, and now I'm high, I guess it's a combination. I've been feeling very weird lately. That feeling like the world is rushing at you, literally, like everything is moving too fast for your brain to comprehend. It used to be bad and would hit me in school walking through crowded halls. It's as if someone has put a towel over your brain and is suffocating it. I wonder if I should really ask Tanzen to help me out, would it be bad? would it make me a bad friend? I know that that's really about how I feel and my concerns are really only about how it reflects on me. I guess I just want anything I can get my hands and if someone wants to help me, then that's their business. I feel so confused about how to handle things, I know that the world is going to fuck Tanzen up, it's only a matter of time, but will I be part of that. I know it's a dog eat dog world and someone is going to take advantage of her, I just don't want to be the first one who is using her kindness for my own good. I think partially she really wants me to say yes so that she can have some. It's so confusing (if you couldn't tell by all of those nonsensical sentences). Slowly, my biggest dillemma is whether I am a friend first and a junky second, or a junky first and a friend second when it comes to Tanzen. I'm almost always a friend, but I wonder if these actions will really change it.

Well, I think I'm going to go read and take my mind off of this decision. I'll post pics from the show. I hope everyone has a great weekend. My first full week of school is over! = )