I walked through Penn Station this morning.
What if I puked right now? How long do you think it would take for the cops to jump me? I've been feeling sick all day. It was really bad this morning, not THE sickness, but it still wasn't pleasant. Sometimes I get bad headaches and nausea combined, I guess it could be a migraine or something, but I don't really know. After I got out of class I had to sit down on a bench. The heat was hitting me. Sweat was pouring from back. My shirt stuck to my back. I stared at the ground and waited for Ned. I felt like I just wanted to curl up and try to sleep. Sometimes it's bad. I played "Waiting for my Man" by the Velvet Underground as I watched for Ned. He still didn't come. There is something that is completely sketchy about me standing around on a street corner.
Look at the watch. Look down that street. Look down this street. Look at the watch. Look at the ground. Repeat. Everyone who walks down the street looks at me. I feel their eyes size me up. I used to get bad headaches when I first started using, if I'd use for 3 days and then stop. The next day my brain would just feel like someone was squeezing it, trying to pop it. I hate feeling sick. I figure if there is a Hell, it means that you feel sick for eternity. Now, that would stop me from sinning... too bad I don't believe in Hell.
Ned is an adorable straight edge boy. He believes that you can read about something and understand it. It's cute and naive. Honey, you can't understand drugs through a priori reasoning. He says that he's studied opiates. I tell him to shut up, I don't want to talk about it. He doesn't know about me. I tell him I don't want to talk about drugs, let's talk about something else. Ned is like a puppy. I worry that when he meets the real world it's going to chew him up and spit him out.
In other news:
Everything is okay I guess. I'm a bit overwhelmed, but I'll deal with it. I just have to take it a step at a time. Sometimes that's harder than it sounds, but it's all that I can do.
2 comments:
It's funny how people who have little or no experience with drugs always want to talk about them. It's like a strange fascination, I don't knock it 'cause some of them really just want to understand but it doesn't make it any more pleasant to discuss. In most cases talking about dope to a recovering addict is like dangling a carrot in front of a horse. It's one of the reasons(one of many) that I could never get into NA. Spending all that time talking about drugs doesn't make me want to stay sober, it makes me want to run out and shoot the first hit of smack I can find.
Even reading some of the shit people post on here makes me fiend out sometimes,funny huh.
Good luck with your boy, I guess the fact that he cares enough to bother studying up on opiates says something right?
Yeah, I feel the same way. I guess before I touched a drug I was interested in them. I used to read junky books and stuff like that.
I don't know, I've thought about NA. I probably wouldn't mind it right now, but only because I'm still using. If I was clean I don't think I would be able to handle it, if I think about drugs too much I have to get high (well, I guess I don't have to, but I'm going to).
Ned is a good friend. Haha, he was talking about it more in an "I know everything way." I haven't told him that I'm a junky, I don't really know what he would do if I told him. I think he might not care, but he might, he's not anti-drug for anyone besides himself. If anything I think Ned would try to get me clean, he's a good guy, so I really shouldn't complain about him.
= )
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