Umm... Happy New Year... or something like that...

Okay, so because I suck at doing this right now... I'm just gonna make a list of awesome shit happening...

-Seeing Mike on Saturday for the first time in 4 MONTHS.

-Punk show my friend set up for me the next Saturday, all of my fav bands are playing.

-Punk show the weekend after that which I set up.

-Seeing all of my friends...

-Hopefully getting to jam before I go back to Paris...

-Oh yeah, and I've been sober from all stupidity for 2 and a half like legitimate months or so... and I was really worried I would fuck it up when I got home, but I haven't, and I don't plan on it.

- IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A NEW AWESOME DECADE... I go between really freaking the fuck out about the new year to be excited. I'm excited. A bit scared, but excited nonetheless.

- I wrote a whole paper for school about when I first started doing drugs and the lying that goes along with it. I talked about Laura ODing and dying, and about me being one of the lucky ones, and blah blah blah other self-obsessed crap... I did end up getting an A- on it though.

I really want to do drugs. I do. But then I try to remind myself that it'll only make me feel like terrible crap afterwards. That'll I'll get high for a while and push myself down into a hole afterwards. I'm gonna do my best to keep away from drugs, because I feel like the longer I stay sober, the better my moods will be, and the easier it will be to keep away.

An entire life of no getting really high? It sounds kind of sucky. But, I'm gonna keep trying to not think of that aspect and instead focus on just keeping it up for now.

Everyone at my school knows, my friends have called me a "drug addict," talked about my "track marks" (these kids wouldn't know track marks if they had them on their own arms, but I'm trying not to really yell at them or get offended), and enjoy reminding me not to do drugs. It's good in some ways and bad in others. I mean, I just hate that name "drug addict." I don't know, I try not to rock the boat because they mean well. I definitely am glad to have people looking after me.

One of the times when I took all of this codeine in Paris (haha, okay, so retarded... I'd never tried it and I decided to just get high, so this was my easiest method) I had basically an allergic reaction. My face grew flushed, I was hot, and itchy. Not like the regular kind of itch, a terrible completely overwhelming itching which covered my sweaty, red face and body. I took some cough syrup because it had antihistamine and suddenly it all went away. After that, I never had a problem with taking that shit again. It was extra bad because 2 of my friends were there and had no idea what was going on. One of my friends, had lots of "druggie" friends back home, so I'm sure she guessed something, I'd also told her about my past. But my other friend, Susana, I'm sure had no idea what was going on. I felt kind of bad, but I was fairly high afterwards, so it was fine with me.

So, it's now time to bring in 2010... a new decade. The first no opiated New Years for me since I started doing drugs. I'm gonna get drunk, and I probably won't really smoke any weed. I got way too high last night. Lauren told me it was called "creeper weed," because you'd smoke some and then a few minutes later you would get a lot higher and you wouldn't notice. I was literally like special ed level last night. Lauren even told me as much. I don't think I can handle it. It really made me depressed and it just sucked in some ways. But I have a few beers (aka 2) and some rum (aka about 4 shots...), and I will drink all of this and then Nina is bringing a bottle of vodka, so I'll be well taken care of. I would rather get high, but not happening.

Anyway, I hope you all have an awesome New Year's!

- Lucy = )

Sucking at blogging...

There is much happening and little happening all at the same time... after finals are done I will make a lovely blog about the month of November and what a good little girl I'm being here in Paris.

= P

Love you guys!

- Lucy... = )

I'm dating a junkie...

My boyfriend has been doing heroin since I've been gone. He's shot 80 bags in the span of a month or so. He told me on Tuesday night... I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. It's just like a very confusing thing emotionally. I'm really happy that he told me. I'm angry because he was saying all this nice shit while he was high, and that could've just been the drugs. I'm super pissed that he blew his money on dope and now may not be able to come to Paris in February. I'm also annoyed that I worried about him when he said he was getting sick and shit, thinking he was actually sick, but it was probably just dope. Mostly, I'm worried about him. Everyone I know is telling me to dump him. He quit on Saturday and I think he's doing a lot better today, didn't say he was feeling sick or anything.

This whole thing is just busting me. I don't know what to think, or how to feel. He told me he loved me last night. I believe it. I love him, too. It's just hard to put everything together, it's not nice little boxes. He also reminded me that he had warned me before I left, which I think is really not a good excuse. Yeah, he warned me, and I knew it was possible, I was really worried about it, but that doesn't mean I was mentally prepared for it to happen.

Anyway, if I get back in January, and he hasn't stayed clean, then I'm gonna dump his ass. I know that junkies only love junk, and I'm not gonna be the third wheel to heroin.

So, yeah, that's been my week. I also had midterms, think I did well, sorry for my suckage at posting shit.

Later!

Love you guys!

- Lucy B.

Because this is kind of a downer, I'm putting in some pics of me with my new pink hair... because, yeah. Don't want to bum you guys out.

Stupidity Tries

France is one of those countries that has over the counter codeine bullshit. I call it bullshit because you gotta take at least 30 mg of codeine to equal 5 mg of hydrocodone. That's a fucking load of powder you gotta cram down your throat (I can't put it up my nose, it insights immediate retching and a deep nasal burn--one of these days I'm gonna puke for no good reason, other than I can't keep shit out of my nose). But, I mean, why not give it a whirl right? Buy a box of 16, so take like 5 or so, each time, and the high isn't really bad. I took a nice nap the other week, snug under my blanket and feeling okay. So, I don't know, it's alright set up. It's cheap as fuck. I mean, really really dirt cheap. And it's completely legal.

The first time I went in, I was really nervous. Like, I was almost shaking. I don't know, shit like this, makes me nervous, I know nothing bad should happen, but I can't help it. I walk into the pharmacy--I must have looked nervous--and I stuttered out the name in my terrible French accent. The woman says: "Hold on, she speaks English." Her coworker walks to the counter and I begin to tell her. She repeats the name and grabs it, and then says to me, obviously trying to shake me: "This is a pain killer." In my mind, I thought, "no shit? Really? Because I wouldn't specifically ask for it if I didn't know what it was." But, in my nervous American voice I said: "umm, I know." She sells it to me, but not before saying as I walk out: "No more sick today." And I just laughed. I guess she thought I was a sick junky or something, I don't know, nerves fucking kill me, and apparently they manifest themselves oddly to other people. Je ne sais pas, c'est étrange.

Anyway, I'm gonna lie down, because my stomach is all fucked up. It's been weird since I puked from too much liquor on halloween. I fucking hate alcohol.

I'll catch ya guys later!

Love,

- Lucy! = )

The shit dreams are made out of.

All I can say is: off to the pharmacy tomorrow...

3 Days and it's getting better.

I don't know why, but lack of sleep and smoking hash really did me in on Sunday. I just felt really shitty mentally. BUT today's a good day. I don't know, yesterday and today were fine. Really, not bad at all. I sent Mike a copy of that thing that I posted on Sunday, I'm wondering what he'll think. He makes me nervous when I say things such as that, way more pressure than when I'm showing it to people who have never had drug problems. I'm worried about what he thinks about it and about me and, I don't know, I don't wanna get like a lecture or anything.

Well, it is time for dinner and then homework. I'll talk to you later!

Bon journée!

- Luce! = )

Back to square 1.

I smoked some hash, so I haven't decided if it means me breaking my sobriety or not. I'd like to say 35 days! But... I don't think I can. I don't think I believe it. So, I'll start over again. Today is day 1. Anyway, here's this thing I wrote, I'm really digging it, I think it definitely captures how I'm feeling at this point in my life:

It's that over-powering tug of war that you play in your mind. One side of you is dragging you by the arm, as you're kicking your feet trying to stop them from taking you away, and your heels are dragging, but you can't seem to stand back up, so you're just kind of flailing there. And the other side of you is trying not to get kicked, and just wants to grab a hold of your feet, but it's forced to dodge the blows you're about to give it. Hands darting in and out, around your soaking wet sneakers, unable to grasp them.

The snow is cold, and it seeps into your pants, slowly the black asphalt is sloughed away, where you've been struggling. The sky is really dark, pitch black. A few clouds are there, but the moon can't seem to be seen and it's so cold. That smell of crisp winter keeps hitting you in the face, smacking the inside of your nose. But the struggle continues.

And when I stare down into the face of temptation, where the decision has to be made, that part that's dragging me away always seem to win. No matter how much I flail and flop about and try hard to stand back up, I'm being taken off my feet at every move. My friend becomes my enemy, and they hold in their hands the key to my destruction. I stare at it. I feel that dirty feeling. It's creeping back again. Over my shoulder, into my hair, through my ears, and swathing my brain in warm cotton. I stare at it. It's not my first choice.

And my other friend is pulling my arm for me stand up, to get going, to back away from it. But I can't. It's filling my eyes. My brain is locked in. I've got that junky tunnel-vision. Nothing is going to stop me from this. All other logical senses are shut off, as the brain back-fires and restarts trying to pull the plan together.

My arm feels a weird ache and I think back. Back to the bathroom and the needle and the simple formula. I miss it. I feel it in my face and my brain and my heart feels like someone's stomping on it, like you've ripped it out and shoved it back in at the wrong angle. And all I can feel is want. No emotion seems to rest in me besides need and desire and that feeling of emptiness.

The future seems empty. Without that feeling to push me forward. On towards Tuesday, and Friday, and Sunday, towards the day when I will feel this on my own.

And so I sit in the Parisian park with my friends. It's cold and dark out and the lights are glowing. Our drinks are warm and our throats burn. So I stare at the hash. I think about 35 days. I reflect on the fact that I haven't been clean for this long since I kneeled at the foot of the toilet, that first time at 16, heaving out bile with my father in the door way asking if I was alright.

So I put it to my lips and inhale. And now all that's left is a need. It's worse than before. I can't take it. Those thoughts pile in again.

Still I'm there, struggling in the snow, with my arms pulled up above my head, and my stomach exposed to the bite of the cold wind. I wonder if it's better to just let them drag me off, to give in, it seems like less of a hassle at the moment.

But I remember, it'll only get worse when it's gone. All of these moments will only double ten-fold, and I won't even stand a chance, so I continue the struggle. I know it's futile. Maybe one day, I'll finally be able to wriggle out on to the asphalt, turning around and stand up, to limp home and hang my damp clothes in the bathroom. That bathroom that used to be my home away from home, but now it's just a bathroom and a memory. You can still see the specks of blood on the light fixture if you look up there, I couldn't clean them all off. I wouldn't want them to go though, I need to know that it wasn't a dream. Not something I cooked up in a teenager's head for some poor excuse for attention. Teenage angst crushed into a vein, and splattered up on the walls.

I can't tell if I want the struggle to end. At the moment, I'll keep flailing and flopping, just to make sure I have enough time to finally make up my mind.

Sometimes I read the blogs of people who have kids that are junkies. I feel bad for them. I feel bad for my parents, too, in a way. I don't know. Weird shit. It doesn't hit home so much for me, cause of my parents really ignoring the facts. And that pisses me off now, because if someone had really tried to stop me, I might not be having as hard a time. I know, I can't blame other people. And I'm not. It was my choice. But at 16, I really didn't realize what I was getting into fully. It's some dumb shit.

I can't sleep right now. Laying in bed, pulling at my skin, curling into a ball, trying to make the thoughts go away. It's so much need right now. It's unbearable. It's like I want to crawl out of my own skin. That hash has made my cravings 20 times worse. I think about drinking some vodka, to help me sleep, but that is BAD. BAD BAD BAD. I can't use alcohol like that. I will become an alcoholic. I really need to finish that bottle off, and get alcohol out of my room. I feel like I"m about to rip off the skin on my face and arms and stomach, just grabbing at it and pulling on it. I can't take tonight. All of my muscles want to tense up and I just want to curl up into a ball and get high. I need to get high. But mostly, right now, I need to sleep.

What keeps me from getting high, if you're really wondering, is that I'm really fucking afraid of scoring on the streets. Especially in a country where I don't know the language, it's just scary. And in NYC, although I know the language, I don't know, I'm too nervous about getting ripped off on the streets or getting arrested. Damn, I want it so bad right now.

Hopefully, I can get over the hump... the one good thing is that, a little hash, isn't gonna take me back to square one depression wise. I'm just hoping the intensity of my cravings goes away in a few days (preferably tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath).

Anyway guys, I'll talk to you tomorrow, hope you have a better night than I am!

- Lucy

34 days... and it's BLANCHE NUIT!

Tonight the entire city of Paris is staying up to run around and see all the crazy art exhibits... I finished my homework earlier and I'm just kind of chilling out, thinking about working on some other shit I have to get done. I feel like it would be a lot easier to stay up all night if I had some coke... not that it'd be pleasant the next day. But it's nice to stay up all night and not even realize the sun is rising and it's morning until 7 am.

I'm gonna make myself a screwdriver to carry along with me on the journey... and slowly, get fucked up. I'm sure we'll buy beer and shit as we go, which is what I want. I want to slowly dive into drunk land, because if I get drunk before hand it'll be way unpleasant.

Last night my friend sprang into my room around 2 am, high on hash, but I was alright cause I was lonely and pissed at some of my other friends for flaking on me and forcing me to spend the night alone. We talked to Mike on the phone for a bit, cause I told him I was going to beforehand, and she was kind of bitchy about that (as if she had the right to be, I was putting her up for the night... not by choice). Anyway, we started talking about drugs, and how people here are behind us in the whole partying thing. At 18, I'm much chiller than I was at 16 or 17, I kinda grew out of the whole LET'S GET FUCKED UP ALL WEEKEND deal, so we're just at a different place in our life. She was talking about how she almost did heroin once, but the needle freaked her out, and I had had a little to drink, so I rolled up my sleeve and I was just really telling her how I fucking missed the needle, and I don't know, it's that yearning that I sometimes get, but I really don't usually tell people about it. I woke up, at 8 am, still missing it, I don't know, it's a bad week for me and the cravings. Anyway, I kicked her out of my room, the metros are open, she could go home now. I don't know, I kinda wanted to be left alone and have my room to myself again.

It was weird man, I don't like really talking about that kinda stuff for that reason, but I mean, sometimes my mouth gets the better of my brain.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

- Lucy = )

Depression...

I just want to go home, to New York. I don't wanna be here. I'm so lonely man, and bored. And I have to drag people to do shit with me, and it just makes me feel shitty and dirty and unwanted. I hate tonight. I hate today.

And I don't wanna finish my drink, because everyone fucking left, and I don't wanna drink alone when I'm upset. I know that's bad. Today is bad.

I just hate this depression man. I hate it so much.

33 days and Trainspotting...

I'm watching Trainspotting, as is my custom when I am sick. Ugh... I probably shouldn't be watching it right now... but I am.

I'm so bored right now, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

I missed out on this trip because I didn't feel good when I woke up. They were going to Vaux le Vicomte which is a pretty awesome looking place... whatever I'm going to finish up my homework and rest. Whatever.

Shitty mood.

I wrote a limerick yesterday:

There once was a dirty, anarchist punk

Who spent his days and nights getting quite drunk

But all of that liquor

Just made him sicker

So he decided to stare shooting junk.

Limericks don't have to make sense, which I had to point out to Mike when he was like: "junk would make him just as sick." Mike is a dirty anarchist punk, so I was like, "this is not about you." I like limericks, they're fun to write. Ugh. I hate myself today.

Tomorrow will be better.

- Lucy

31 days and I wanna get HIGH.

I wanna get high. I wanna get loaded and nod out and stay there, until I come out of it, but only to get high again.

Tonight is a bad night... I want drugs. I want drugs. I wanna shove it into my arm and my nose and my mouth, and fill 'em all up, until I can't put in anymore.

I'm depressed tonight for no reason. And depression for no reason to me is always related to a lack of drugs, in general.

Did I mention Mike used to counsel addicts? Yeah... so I'm dating a cleaned up junky and a drug counselor... It's weird man. I don't know, it makes me almost uncomfortable, cause sometimes he says shit and it's just like: "oh yeah... you're a drug counselor... fuck." I prefer the cleaned up junky Mike, to the drug counselor Mike... but what can ya do?

I think what pissed me off a lot before was, I guess due to lack of explanation, he didn't realize how constant my drug use was since the age of 16. I've probably gotten high at least once a week, if not multiple times, since that time in my life... so to do an entire month sober, is such a mind fuck. And I wanna get high. I wanna get high so bad. I wanna eliminate carve up those bits of my brain that are burning right now. It's a headache that makes me want to bang my brain into the wall. And incinerate it. Incinerate that desire, that's burning up my brain - it's just fighting fire with fire.

Whatever. I have one pill here. I filched it off a friend's desk. He didn't want it... I might eat half of it, it's a sleeping pill. Same kind of shit as ambien, if you take it and then stay awake you do dumb shit... DAMN I WANNA GET HIGH. But I gotta save myself. I just don't wanna throw away such a good amount of time on one little pill. I don't consider drinking breaking my sobriety (which is unfair or something? I don't know... not completely logical) because drink has never been a problem for me... not saying that it couldn't become one... It's just, umm..., I don't know, the little reprieve that I need.

AN HOUR LATER:

I feel better... It just takes time. That need decreases and slowly your brain comes back to its logical side and you go: "Thank g--, I stayed sober..."

Catch ya later kids!

- Lucy :-)

27 days of sickness...

My nose hurts. And my stomach hurts... luckily, it has calmed down since earlier. It was really bad and just kind hit me suddenly as we were walking around the flea market. My stomach went, and then the sweats hit me, and then I was dizzy and knew it was time to go. I hurried home, having to convince my friends that I had to get back, and stripped out of my clothes and changed into my shorts/t-shirt. I laid down on my bed and tried to calm myself down and make sure I didn't puke my guts out... I don't know what I did to deserve those feelings today, but obviously my body was UNHAPPY.

I went to an infoshop yesterday and picked up different zines and other publications about the anarchist and punk scene in Paris/France. It's cool shit, only one was in English, but the rest is in French, so I mostly understand it... mostly.

I bought Mike a postcard from the anarchist bookstore, which was someone hooked up to an IV filled with money, and the line was being clipped. Today he had an endoscopy, and so he was feeling really weird today when we talked, just a bit under the weather and shit. He said that the only thing that hurt was the IV in his hand, so at least that was the only thing that really bothered him. I miss him... he's so cute.

Last night I got a bit drunk on some vodka and beer... and while I was drunk I remembered why I dislike drinking and why it's bad for me to drink... BAD. Because, I drink one glass and I'm not drunk enough, so I have another glass so that I feel a bit more drunk, and then blah blah blah I feel like shit. So, yeah, no more boozin. I'm afraid of latching onto alcohol...

UMM... nothing else is happening. I bought a leather jacket and took out the shoulder pads, so it's looking pretty snazzy. Anyway... I'm bored and Mike is being kinda douchey so I gotta snap him out of it.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

- Lucy! = )

25 days... so you get a video?!

DON'T WATCH THIS IF YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC

YOU WILL BE OFFENDED.

DON'T READ THE REST OF MY BLOG POST, IN FACT...

YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED AGAIN.

So... today I was done early with classes because I had my exam today. Basically, I got home around like 12:30 and have just been chilling out ever since. Cooked some lunch, put the dishes away, and put more money on my phone... Today is blah. I don't like how my brain is beginning to lean towards alcohol as a way to calm itself. That whole flipping the switch thing is something I wanna keep away from alcohol, 'cause that's just a bad bad trap I could fall into. Honestly, I should really stay away from that and oddly enough caffeine. I have begun to drink coffee as if it were a drug, and I just want to feel that burst of energy... BAD. So, in short, anything addictive I gotta keep away from my body for the next I'd say month or so at the least, just to make sure I really will be alright. I know that once I get over this first hump of shittiness, staying sober will become a lot easier task, it's always those first few months that can really make or break you.

Also, just so you can see my man, here's a pic of us together:

Yeah... we're cute like that. = P

Anyway, I'll probably update in a bit, out of boredom.

Check ya guys later!

- Lucy = )

24 days of greatness!

Today was awesome! I got another test back, and it was another A! Yeah, I kind of knew I wasn't bad at languages, but I feel really competent right now. Mike (my anarchist, cleaned-up-heroin-addict, 22 year old, boyfriend) distracted me for a good 2 hours of time telling me all the things he wanted to do to me over the internet. I love him, what can I say?

It's weird because I'm not used to knowing junkies, I've known a few and they were mostly all cleaned up, or I wasn't aware of them doing the drugs they were doing at the time. It's cool because I am really honest with him about what I'm thinking, but I think that he kind of shrinks away from it. I don't know, that bothers me a bit, but I don't wanna fuck up his sobriety by making him think about it too much. When I first met him, like the 2nd or 3rd date? I told him about how I got my scar and shit, and he said A) he had never met a girl who had shot dope, and B) he had never met anyone who shot pills. That kinda surprised me, haha. So, I think, that, it was two firsts for both of us: I was meeting a junky that I was actually friends with, and he was meeting a girl junky.

Hahaha, I know, how romantic?

But, I gotta keep myself away from thinking about us doing drugs together, although I like it. We've only smoked weed together, besides once when we did E with his sister and her husband. Weed isn't much of a turn on, 'cause it's not much of a drug. But watching him snort the E, it was hot, I wanted to prove to him like: yeah, I can keep up with you, we're drug-equals. Maybe it's the whole thing that I never talked about my drug use until after my real everyday slog of drugs was over with, and so I now wanna brag... But not much to brag about?

I had a really bad period this summer. I came into a lot of oxy. And everytime I would get it, I would do one medium sized line... and then the next day I would do one line, and then do another line an hour later. Until, I would have a fucking pile and 4 hours it would be all up my nose. I also broke out my old kit, but the works were too gunged up to be used... thank god, I guess. I probably would've been in a worse predicament. I think that Mike may have noticed the few little bruises and bumps that occurred, but I think he just thought it was part of the larger scar there. It's such a fucked up area, which is good because it disguises bruises really easily, you can't tell besides like that first day. I haven't shot up in... like a year and a half. Holy fuck, seems like forever ago and like yesterday.

This woman had to draw blood out of my arm one morning, and she really fucked it up. I don't even mean like a little pricks, it was as if she had never tried to hit a vein before. Okay, so I know the veins in my right arm are hard to hit. I'm pretty sure I've cried out of frustration trying and failing to hit any in that arm. So, after digging, and I mean, re-angling the needle while it was still in my arm, she moved on to my forearm. Now, maybe I'm allowed to shove a needle all the way through my own vein, but someone else isn't. She put the needle THROUGH my vein, and brought it back up to try and catch it. The bruise was huge and Mike was asking me where she tied me off and shit, haha, he was like: I could've done this for you, and I wouldn't have hurt you.

I know, I know, I shouldn't be so enamored of that... but I can't help it? I love drugs. I love him. Together, it just sounds like heaven. That's honeslty what I kept thinking after we fucked (well, I fucked) for the first time... the only thing that could make this better was a shot or a line... Damn. Now, that's saying something in my mind. If the only thing better than what just happened, is victory in drug form, then obviously, something is going right.

I feel like, though, at 18, I can't promise I'm not going to "experiment" with harder drugs than weed and X... I don't wanna do speed, not so good with the uppers. Coke is not good for me either. X was alright, but really fucks with me, I'd do it again, it's fun, but definitely not something I'd wanna do a lot. I wanna do H so bad, cause I know I'd enjoy it more than the other drugs that I'm gonna have to do instead.

I cried the other night thinking about a completely sober life, but today I feel like I could do it. I'm definitely getting the whole waves of depression. Last night was bad, today is alright, tomorrow who knows... I'm getting a little paranoid too, which isn't so awesome. I gotta remind myself though when I have those thoughts that it's just my brain reaching for something to get me back to doing drugs. I do wanna stay away for a few years, and see about really staying clean for a while, like getting through college. I mean, it scares the shit out of me, which I think is weird, but it's my biggest fear. No drugs. No relief from my emotions. That whole having to face shit and my mind doesn't work well, but I'm gonna try. Worse comes to worse I start using drugs again, not the end of the world, it's just a fact that I have to learn to live with, that I've fucked up my thought processes and that's the way it's gonna be probably the rest of my life.

But, if Mike gets back on heroin, which he has warned me might happen, I have two options: A) leave him if I don't plan on using with him because you can't really be sober dating a junky, I don't think that would work for me, or B) going down that path with him. I don't think I'll have to make that decision though anytime soon, haha, so I got time to decide if it does come to that. Hopefully it won't. Hopefully I'll adjust to the sober life and be a sober prospering person for the rest of my life... hahahaha, yeah, doesn't even sound real to me either.

Well, I don't know, I'm in a good mood tonight guys!

Love to all of your who are still here!

And anyone new!

- Lucy! = )

23 days of annoyance...

I AM NOT A PUPPY.

I DON'T NEED TO BE WARNED ABOUT THE BIG BAD WORLD, AND BIG BAD CAPITALISM, AND BIG BAD DRUGS, CAUSE I CAN HANDLE IT.

I CAN DO IT.

IF I'M GONNA FUCK UP, I'M GONNA FUCK UP AND NO AMOUNT OF "THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN, AND THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN, AND BLAH BLAH BLAH" WOULD STOP ME ANYWAY, SO HE MIGHT AS WELL SAVE HIS BREATH.

Damn, he's the fucking pope of cleaned-up-anarchist junkies, nothing can be questioned and if you do, off with your head.

Well, if I could say anything to him, this is what it would be:

"Hey babe,

I like you, I almost love you. But I've done enough shit to myself, and see what's going on around me, I'm not blind, I'm not stupid, and I think about shit. So, if you need to preach to someone, it's not me... And you know what, if I am going to do smack, that's going to be my decision, and no amount of people saying shit is gonna stop that because I know how my mind works. Not saying it's gonna happen, I'm just not gonna be stopped by anything you say, so you might as well shut up."

I love him, but I just hate being treated like a puppy, I'm not that naive.

Whatever, fuck today, fuck studying, and also fuck getting high, because 23 fucking days of no drugs.... so, well. Yeah.

fuck today.

22 days of legitimate sobriety...

So... I haven't blogged in forever because summer was insane lots of boy shit lots of drug shit lots and lots of shit.

But I'm now in Paris, and I'll get back to what went on over in a bit for those of you who don't know. SO I'M HERE.

I am fiending. I am fiending like I always do without drugs for a long period of time. Not that I would really know what a long period of time is, I did like 3 months sober two springs ago, but I started up again because I just can't seem to stay away. Umm... so yeah, I'm stuck sober. And I guess I'm staying sober because I know that I can't do drugs around Mike, and I like him enough that that matters to me. Not that we're together right now, I just know that if I started doing anything serious back in NYC he would either begin doing it with me, or he would cut me off from him completely. That's the upside and downside to have a cleaned up junky for a bf. He pisses me off occasionally because he talks to me like I'm some little puppy, as if I didn't know that if I (me, not the general I) started doing smack I would get hooked. I wanted to be like: oh, thanks, because obviously I don't know how my own fucking brain works, and hadn't figured that out for myself before.

I see the junkies on the metro here, one guy had a really fucked up arm, scabbed up with shadows running all over it. I just sat there feeling sick, my stomach has been fucked up this week. Everything in my digestive tract seems to get liquified, I've been getting the sweats too, and feeling dizzy... WHAT THE FUCK? I really don't know what I did to my body, and why it's sending me these signals, which I usually translate into: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SHOVE THAT INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM MORON? But at the moment, I'm clean... but it's bad.

I'm not clean for the right reasons, and I think this is gonna end in a crash and burn when I end up back in NYC... because right now all I wanna do is get high. I wanna get high so bad. I have a sleeping pill I swiped from this guy, he didn't want it, so I figured he wouldn't notice it was gone and def wouldn't blame me... I looked up what it was, sadly I gotta swallow it, but ehh, I figure I'll save it for a day that I'm in need.

I keep getting bad drugs dreams. They were bad in August, still bad now... I just miss drugs. I want them so bad. I don't want to have to deal with the inside of my mind. I just want to delete it all. I WANT TO HIT THE FUCKING BUTTON AND ERASE MY STUPIDITY AND MY ISSUES AND MY WANTS. I wanna pretend that I'm not me for the next few fucking hours and put my mind on hold.

I just told Mike I had a blog, not like he's ever gonna see this shit. And he was like: oook, straange. And I wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up, 'cause he can be faulted for a lot more shit than me blogging.

Sometimes, I just want to do smack just to spite him, just a little, just for him thinking he knows everything there is to know about me and drugs. We kind of admitted to each other that we wish we could just get high together and lay around in his apartment together... which could be followed by another story where I passed on nodding out with him there, which kind of sounds like the nicest thing ever. I'd love to wake up and see him there. I had my wisdom teeth out, and shit, anyway, I didn't do it, figured that A) I wouldn't be able to fuck and B) don't need to do that in front of him, when he's working hard to stay clean.

I'm thinking about December, going to TX, I know my family has some things to my liking in the medicine cabinet, I stole some last year... but I felt REALLY guilty. Like, probably the most guilt and embarrassment and shame I have ever felt in my life. I can't even explain it.

The other night I was laying in bed, and I was thinking about being sober, and how I could be possibly facing a life with no more opiates. ever. Never ever gonna feel it again. And I cried. I'm not even gonna lie and pretend like I can handle things like that normally, because apparently I can't. I can't do drugs like a normal person. I can't fucking handle anything. I fucking cried.

But I didn't tell Mike. I feel bad. I feel just ashamed that I'm so fucking weak.

Whatever.

I'm weak.

I'm 18 and I wanna 'experiment' (yeah, right, we can pretend it's experimentation, I'm still young enough to call it that)...

BTW, I STILL fucking hate uppers. I did x. WHY? Because well, Mike was doing it, and his sister and her husband were doing it, and it was fun... kinda. But my brain was like YOU ARE AN IDIOT, AND I'M DITCHING THIS SHIT. I swear to god my brain wanted to jump out of my fucking skull...

Well, anyway, I'm alone in Paris with my classmates... I'm a cleaned up junky... am I junky? WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I just want the wanting to stop. I want to be normal. I hate it.

Fucked up in the big city,

- Lucy...

Kicks

Fuckedy fuckedy fuck. Tomorrow is prom. No. I shit you not. Tomorrow is prom. I am having some issues dealing with the stress of getting all ready and shit for it. Also all of the money its costing me is driving me up a tree, its driving me bananas.

What's more concerning is that my entire class, including me and my friends, are going down the shore for the weekend. This is obviously gonna be a lot of fun, and I am excited to get retardedly drunk (but not puking) with my friends (who I will most likely have to clean up after, because they are self-proclaimed light-weights). Haha, its kind of adorable (until they puke). We're buying an 8th and I think bringing down 2 30-packs (but I think I'm gonna see about getting some Bud and some PBR, because apparently my friends don't like appealing beer). What I am concerned for is that someone is going to get arrested. And possibly me, or one of my close friends. This will mean a lot of annoying shit for some of us to deal with, and a lot of terrible repercussions. I can't get in trouble because I need a visa for studying in France next year. Anyway, I'm trying not to have a panic attack, which is making me pine for some medication, but there is none to be found, so I keep just sleeping it off. The only thing that I have been taking to help is Ambien CR because it takes my focus away from the panicky feeling and onto the thought of something for my brain to snack on until I fall asleep for a long while.

The only real news I have to report on the topic of drugs is:

A) I have done coke. I was so drunk and hopped up on Amp (I was trying to sober up using energy drinks), that I barely felt it. But I DID feel the hangover the next day, and it was terrible, especially because I couldn't sleep due to all the caffeine I had been chugging. I don't know if I'll ever do that again, probably if my friends are doing it next time and not creepy 26 year olds who want to get in my pants. (BTW, totally didn't work, still a virgin, haha).

B) I've realized the lay of the land when it comes to drugs in the scene:

• Crusties (homeless) - They're main real estate is H (and booze).
• Regular punks - Booze, weed, speed, and cocaine.
• Skinheads - Booze and cocaine.
• Crusties (not homeless) - Weed and booze.

At least, this is what I've gathered from what I've seen and experienced. It's mostly accurate for what's going down out here, but obviously, some people only do one thing, some people do several. I find it interesting to see whose doing what. Mostly I just know regular punks, and I see mostly crusties and punks at the shows I go to, depending on the band. Skinheads sometimes turn out to the shows I frequent, but usually if they are there only one or two unless its a hardcore band.

I don't know, I'm trying to calm down. I almost slapped my boss today. Did I tell you, I'm working at a title insurance company? It's terrible as fuck. I make 35 cents above minimum wage, my boss is such a money grubber. Anyway, I was Skyping a fellow employee, and I said "Yeah, that's what I meant, sorry." My boss saw this, and while she's on speaker phone with a client, runs over to my desk waves her hand in my face and tells me that, "NO Y-E-A-H, NO YEAH, WE ONLY USE BUSINESS LANGUAGE. BUSINESS LANGUAGE!" Now, if you want to shut me down, well that's a pretty great way. So before I could yell at her that I'm not a fucking dog and haven't been trained to respond to hand signals, I told her that I wasn't feeling well (she had mentioned something about how I had looked tired earlier), and preceded to leave. She can kiss my ass if she thinks she's gonna treat me like that. Fuck her. I'm not gonna take that.

Anyway, I've missed you guys since I've been off. When I'm depressed I have trouble going on the computer, also, without drugs the internet can make me feel panicky and I worry about what people will say and what I will have to deal with, etc. etc. (I know it's ridiculous, but that's just how my mind works).

I love you all!

- Lucy = )

HOLIDAY IN THE SUN

I'm sorry guys, I've been off away being my crazy young self. Not much news to report... Prom is in two days, so I'll actually have some time that day alone in the house to tell you all about the past like month and a half. I got a job, and its taking up all my time... I HATE WORKING. But I love you all!

Sorry, check ya later!

- Lucy!!

P.S. Haha, I had to listen to you Gleds! = )

I've been killing my brain cells!

I keep killing my brain cells. I won't have any by the end of senior year. I'm just bashing them into alcohol and weed and pills and whatever I can get my hands on. It's kind of entertaining. I like drinking and smoking and chilling out. I've been to a few parties recently... no shows, sadly... and a whole lot of couches. I'm out drinking the best of 'em and smoking with the platinum level stoners. It's come to the point now where my brain at the moment is just perpetually on the fritz, causing me some speech and spelling dumbness. I'm also way way sick.

Fuck, I have no idea what to talk about.

I went to the city and posted/handed out some fliers to some hot crusties (4 of 'em, who seemed quite into my birthday show). Oh, how I love them. I have to find a prom date now, not that they would be it, but I just thought of it. I have to get a dress, too, and shoes. Fuck, I have to do homework at somepoint this week. At least one thing is for sure, I'M GOING TO NYU. Yup, you're favorite little-junky-stoner-dumbass-punk kid. I'm such a weirdo, so its kind of the perfect place.

Fuck, I'm waking up early tomorrow, hopefully I'll find something for my brain to make this next  posting worth while.

Love you all!

Lucy

Its Been Awhile

So, I haven't written in a bit, I've been a bit depressed just a lot of shit going on, here's the list:

(BTW, I smoked some hash a little while ago at my friend's house, and its impeding my abilities, so I apologize in advance.)

I TURNED 18.

Zack and I broke up. He'd basically been treating me like shit for about 3 weeks, to the point where I cried on my birthday, the next day, and monday. Terrible Terrible shit. This goes into my next note:

So, I met the cutest guy at the mall yesterday afternoon. His name is Wade, he's a recovered junky, he's SUPER cute, he has a Crass tattoo (the first reason I talked to him) and lots of other homemade and professional tattoos, and I now know his life story. Anyway, I'm going to be back at the mall on friday to buy another book for English class, so I guess I'll possibly "bump" into him.

I got my ear pierced! It only has taken me 18 years to do it. = )

I've been writing limericks, which may be illustrated by a real graphic artist. = )

The musical is on the weekend and so I'm kind of stressing, although the director is always really cool with me and is always telling me how good I am. Haha, its one of the perks of being a bassist because everyone knows what you're playing (and if you're really fucking it up, which is the downside).

I got into Gettysburg College today, too, which is pretty sweet! And I got a merit scholarship, which is also sweet.

Tanzen may have found us a hook up for whatever we want in the city, still have to talk to some people though. I'm hoping that she does it on her own, sometimes she can be really shy and shit. But, I love the kid, and I'll see her tomorrow.

Check ya later alligator, I'm hitting the hay,

Lucy! (now legal)

<3

DINOSAUR RAP (this song is amazing!)

I totally forgot about this video, but it is amazing.

Lauren sent it to me last night, and it's just so fucking catchy I had to post it.

Oh man, it's amazing. I love it! Hope it gives you guys a good laugh.

Devil's Playground

I'm still sick. My mind is still awash with my own shortcomings, but it's not as bad as it was. I wish I had gone to school today. I'm also pissed at myself because I'm going to miss pit orchestra practice tonight (I'm shooting my conductor an e-mail as we speak). Anyway, I feel like doing updates an all of the different drug schemes that are floating around my friends and world:

JUNK

This girl who is considered a creep and a snitch went to rehab. She's friends with a few of my friends, and is totally in love with my friend Helen (who happens to be straight, haha). I'll call her "Hannah." Anyway, she went away, and was considered a terrible influence because she got someone else I know into E. I never got the appeal of E, but whatever, to each their own. Anyway, she was sent off to rehab in December or November, but the reason was never really open for discussion or known. The other day me and my other friend are talking, and he tells me that she was in rehab for junk. Now, this wasn't a surprise. I've known that there was H in my town since like 8th grade, but I didn't know anyone who was into it besides my good friend's older sister and aunt/uncle who are junkies. This explains a lot because "Hannah's" facebook always had weird shit on it like, her girlfriend saying, "you know sharing needles is uncool blah blah blah talk to me." I thought that was funny at the time, because really, you wouldn't delete that comment.

PILLS

I don't know if I talked about Nina's forays into opiates, but I will now. That child is ridiculous occasionally. She's sitting infront of me in class scratching. Constantly scratching. Finally, I ask her what she's on. She says vicodin. I'm like, dude, that's the reason you're itchy. Apparently this surprised her, haha. Anyway, I didn't think she liked opiates at all. But, she's trying to buy some percs from this girl in our grade. Lauren told me, and so I texted Nina to see if I could get in on it, and she told me to talk to the girl. Here's the thing, Nina is friends with everyone, and everyone likes her, most people know me, but not personally, and not everyone likes me. I don't know why I couldn't just giver her fucking money, and she could get me shit. Anyway, I dropped it after I asked her how much a pill and what the mgs were, and she obviously had no idea.

Silly kid, pills are for adults.

COKE

Nothing on this front to speak of. Still too afraid of M. Haha, I'm such a coward. After I get some money for my b-day, I'll see about speaking to her.

SALVIA

Worried about Tanzen having that in her possession.

1.) She can be impulsive.

2.) She has never taken any kind of psychedelics.

3.) I don't want her parents finding it, and her getting in trouble.

I love Tanzen, but that child better not get into trouble, haha. She needs people to watch her back.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I worked on my vest and put on some nice stencils and shit. I'm going to post pictures of the process... because who wouldn't want to see that? No one. That's who. = ) Also, I'm in a way better mood than yesterday. I'm going to work on Latin and English and shit, and just get done with my homework so I don't have to worry about it. My dad's being annoying, but whatever, he's leaving this afternoon, so I'll have the house to myself.

I'm just chilling out at the moment, watching TV. My stomach is hurting like a bitch, and my throat is really sore. It's not much of a party, but I'm trying to stay content. I've been drawing a lot, which is always good. Playing some guitar. Just trying to keep myself sane and happy.

= )

I hope you guys are having a great week!

Love,

- Lucy

BTW, the stencils on my jacket are: GB CREW (on the back, under the collar), Circle Jerks (I did the lettering, which I'm proud of), The Germs (it's a dog with it's tongue sticking out), Stiff Little Fingers (not really though, before the stencil said fuck you under it, but my mom got upset, so I took that part off of it), The Stooges, The Ramones (I did some nice cross stitches on that patch, its really cool looking in my opinion), then there is my Zero Boys pin and my Bomb the Mall patch (just a slogan). I'm pretty happy, I'll probably add more studs and shit, but otherwise, it's pretty much complete. = )

Glue Man

I have been going on an emo-teenage bender these past two weeks. I feel like crap about everything. I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate how I look, I can see nothing good in anything I do. And, being that this is the technology age, and this is my emo week, I wanna tell it to all of the people I look up to over the internet. Oh yeah, it's like a motherfucking emo-dial, ready to freak people out. Luckily, I'm fairly aware of how bad this will make me look, so I'm keeping it to my good friends and shit and not going on about it on myspace or facebook or anything else.

Not to mention I have strep throat, which is really only adding to my cheery demeanor.

Anyway, this weekend I went to Tanzen's 18th birthday party. We met up early to go to a book signing in the city, which we bailed on about 2 hours into and gave the books to her sister who works at the cafe attached to the bookstore to get the books signed. Walked over to the Strand and I bought another Irvine Welsh book, HARDCOVER, for 5 bucks. God, I love used book stores. Then we wandered down to the salvation army and I got a brand new flannel for 3 bucks. Jordan texted me and told me that ARCHY was down at ABC for the show. I had already told him I would go down and say hey and shit, so we walked down and I ruminated on the idea of a possible fight. Got down there and said hey to Jordan, who was steaming over her presence at the show and seemed to be going into a state of testosterone filled rage. I stood there and he paced a bit around saying hey to people, kind of acknowledging me kind of not, just kind of speaking and not really giving a fuck that I was there. I said hey to Emz too, who is a 14 year old I've befriended and given protection from the Crew. Good kid, smart, I just told her not to get into too much trouble. Anyway, after saying hey to people there, the management was yelling for people to go around the corner or go inside, we weren't paying, so we walked up to a Diner to grab some fries and sodas. My feet were killing me by now because of the fishnets I was wearing. We walked for another 45 minutes to Thompson street to go to Generation Records. A store in front of which I promptly put on pants to keep my legs warm. Yes, I almost striped on the street, but not really because I had on my dress still. Tanzen also took some hot photos of me in the process, haha. Went in there and I bought a new Zero Boys button, I just love them and they aren't appreciated enough and don't have merchandise in a lot of places. 

During this time I kept smoking, I have a bad habit of smoking a lot if I have a pack. I don't usually have smokes, but when I do I chain smoke them, haha. Finally, after lots of walking we went up town and did all the shit for the party. All of us kids hung out, I saw most people I knew, and if I didn't know them, I quickly did. Haha, I'm good at mingling. This guy was serving up tequilla from the bar, and he was being obnoxious as shit about it and making everyone, including myself, drink it straight. I don't like tequilla. I will only drink whiskey straight. So, I drank it, but I kind of just sipped it, I don't usually force alcohol down. I probably had 4 or 5 shots, and so I was feeling a bit inebriated by the time the party winded down. I was then forced to go to the Marriot, I good 6 or 7 blocks away and ride the glass elevator, which was cool, but a long fucking walk. When we arrived in Brooklyn I was tired, Molly was puking in the subway station, and Commie (yes, as in he is a Communist and people call him Commie) was getting a bit touchy-feely, so when we got back to Tanzen's house I headed upstairs and fixed the futon up and got into bed fast. There was a bit of discussion over whether or not the leaves that Irina gave her were Salvia, which they are. I told Tanzen not to do anything stupid. The next morning, Tanzen, me, and Marci went on the subway. On which I was informed that it was a surprise to Marci how intelligent I am. This made me laugh, and I told her that tequilla happens to lower my IQ. We hadn't talked at all at the party, and the most words I had said to her in the morning were probably me yelling at her and Tanzen to shut the fuck up or I was going to beat them up, because I was trying to sleep and I was a bit hungover (haha, I'm not a morning person).

What I guess could be the most important part of this was what we actually talked about the day before, and how it coincided with our train ride once it was just Tanzen and I. I started talking to Tanzen about the whole coke situation, blah blah, and how M makes me fucking nervous as shit, how I don't know how to contact her without her verbally abusing me over the phone (haha, sad but true, this girl scares the shit out of me). Tanzen said something that legit scared the shit out of me, and is making me feel a bit guilty and glad that I haven't given her any drugs or anything besides weed (and hydros, but only once, because lets face it, I'm selfish and I feel guilty when I fuck her up. Ironically, my own selfish intentions, are helping her). She said this to me, "Weed is known as a 'gateway drug,' and I've been standing in the door way for far too long." My immediate reaction mentally was, "WOAH! I didn't realize that she really felt like this. Is this my fault? Have my own stupid stories and drug problems and shit causing my friend to think that harder drugs are the answer to her problems? Fuck..." It actually soured me to the thought of drugs for the entire day. I just thought about how much I love Tanzen, she's my best friend, and how I don't want to be the reason for her ever having a drug problem. At the same time, I crave a partner in crime, but it's not bad enough for me to want to risk her in the process. I mean, I'm a dumbass, I make bad choices constantly. I keep fucking up sobriety, as I did today, as I did two weeks ago. I keep ending up depressed and feeling like shit and not letting myself long enough time to normalize, before I just fuck my brain up again. I don't want this for her, and I don't want her to be in any way drug-dependent. I have been known to be easily able to influence people into doing dumb shit, I've always been a good talker, and I can talk up my own shit. Is my mouth gonna fuck up my friends. I don't know.

I worry about this shit. I worry about her. I worry that I got high yesterday (it was today, but I guess now it's Tuesday morning) and it barely changed my feeling towards the world. I am actually pretty sick, which sucks. I am going to be 18 in 5 days. Holy fuck. For 5 more days I am still just a minor threat.

I'm trying to stay positive and not do anything dumb.

Love you guys and hope you guys are having better days than me!

- Lucy

Cocaine

We sat in Lauren's living room. Nina was kneeling on the floor, rolling a joint on the coffee table as we talked. Apparently, earlier in the day she had gone over and seen Maya. Maya had been sitting in her house, cigarette hanging from her lips, and Monster can filled with vodka in hand, when Nina had entered. Her and Nina shot the shit for a while, Maya had been in rehab going to school and shit for a while, but only had to go in after 12:30. She was still going to be graduating with us, which pissed us all off because we were doing way more work. Maya had also been hospitalized recently for depression, but that's all that was said about it. She had been caught last year for possession of large amounts of pot, which had ended up causing her mother 17,000$ in legal fees. Maya has to pay back her mother, but "nowhere is hiring." Mhm. Sure. So, she has to move some wares to earn a few bucks. However, her wares are finally interesting. She has vicodin and coke. Well, ironically, I don't have much of a desire to pay for vicodin, but for coke... well, sign me up! Anyway, I gotta contact her, which is gonna be easier said than done. Although we were friends, you can't call her because of police shit, and if I ask my friends to talk to her, well, I'll get shit for wanting to buy coke. Nina apparently doesn't like vicodin because it makes her itch (I think the girl is obviously fucked up if she doesn't like opiates, and your biggest complaint is itching, frankly, itching is not one of my concerns, and I don't think it should really be that bad for how much she was taking... but, that's neither here nor there), so I can't use that as a ploy. I'm gonna see if I can send her a message and see how she is. I figure that a customer is a costumer, and she will probably still be cool with me buying from her. She has always made me uncomfortable, so I don't really wanna do it, but I do want coke, so well, it'll be worth it. Tanzen has signed on to try some if I get it. She was, 'worried about the whole snorting thing.' I told her not to worry, haha, that it isn't a big deal. I can't help but be excited thinking about the prospect. I gotta send her a message and shit still... hopefully I'll get the balls to do it, since she makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE. You really don't understand, I am legit afraid to contact the girl.

After I went off into a dream world surrounding coke, Nina, Lauren, and I smoked the joint. I was somewhat high, and decided to go off to school after about 45 minutes. I got in when everyone was in lunch, and then went through all my classes. The classes are shorter this week due to testing, so it didn't take too long. I'm pissed off at Zack for being so flippant about everything. I don't know why I only choose guys who are like that, but whatever, I'm trying to get over it.

Well, I'm trying to focus on the positive in light of the negative.

Check ya later!

- Lucy

= )

Going Away to College

I GOT INTO NYU!!
WOO HOO!
I AM A WINNER AT LIFE!
I got into a special program that can't be applied for, but only a certain portion of the applicants are selected for it. It's so awesome!
This is my top pick besides UofC.
I've also selected the campus in Paris, so FRANCE HERE I COME!

Love you guys!
Today is spectacular!
- Lucy
= )

Sassafras Roots

I sat there on my bed, trying to figure out why no amount of intelligence could compensate for my complete and total ineptitude. Zack was sitting there telling me it was alright, and I knew he felt bad for me. I felt even worse for him, here he is, dating me; No amount of bravado and devil-may-care attitude could make up for my complete stupidity. At least, thats how I felt. I don't know why, but for me, there is this level of having to compensate for all insecurity with either a trump card on whatever subject or bravado. If its drugs, well, compared to all teens I know I can always win, but I don't usually pull it out; regaling others with stories of needles in arms and blood on the ceilings usually ends with the inevitable shunning. If its punk, well, I'm the young punk-poet of the scene, whose already been thanked in one album, has been told that she will have to play bass for a certain band at 21, and is always being handed beer by the bands headlining. If its school, I'm in all AP classes and headed off to stellar schools. But, sexually, well, fuck it, I have no experience. I can't even pretend at it, and I don't try to because it will end in me looking like a fool. Also, I usually play up my inexperience to be a good quality, giving my non-virgin friends shit.

In some ways, it's just me covering up for all of the areas that I lack in. Its weird, people consider me a role model, WHAT THE FUCK? I'm just good at covering up my flaws, I can make people laugh and I got enough charisma to bullshit my way out of most situations, but there are certain things that those things can't make up for.

I'm a nervous fucking person as well. Basically, what happened on Friday was my fault because I put pressure on myself to have sex, when I shouldn't have been doing that. I know it. I knew it. I'm just too much  of a coward to admit it to myself. I just hate how people fucking hold it over my head, it makes me want to bang there heads into the pavement (haha, a lot of the shit people do makes me have that reaction). I guess, in some ways, I don't want to be an 18 year old virgin, there is a stigma that I have placed on that, which is dumb. It's like living in your home town when you're middle aged to me is also failure. I do dumb shit like this in my head all the time.

Also, I guess, Zack's not a virgin, and I wonder what his last girlfriend was like. That bothers me. Like, what if he's always comparing me to her? Does he like me more? Etc. Etc. I'm making myself worry over shit that doesn't matter. And I know he really does care about me, everyone says it, everyone sees it, even I see it, I just can't be content being happy. Mostly I'm afraid I'm going to fuck this up, I mean, I've been able to get out of a lot of shit, but I worry about this.

And Zack doesn't seem to really care. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. But I just wonder shit, if he likes me as much as I like him, I used to think it was the other way around, but now I'm concerned. I miss him. I almost started to cry today because I just wanted him there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I worry I freak him out.

I'm worrying myself crazy over shit that he and I will both laugh about later.

Being a teenager, everything is filled with bits of tension and anguish at all of the things you don't know how to handle. Going to shows for me still ties my stomach in knots, I feel like I never know what's waiting for me up the stairs or down them, or just through the fucking door. You're constantly forced to prove yourself to your peers and adults and yourself, even. I don't feel confident half of the time with the shit I'm doing. And sexually, well, fuck it. I have no idea what to do. I mean, sure mechanically, I understand. But I have no idea in reality what I shoult be doing. Or what other people or doing or shit like that. I lose my cool. I become the loser that I am when shit like this goes down.

What is most upsetting to me are animals and the sluts at my school can do this, and I can't. And my IQ is way higher. Fuck. It's not fair. Why am I so fucking awkward? Why can't I be normal for 20 fucking minutes? Fuck it. I like myself, and I hate myself. I'm going to try not to delete this post.

After pit practice that night, Roma took me out for ice cream and we talked about it and she just consoled me and made me laugh. Then I went over to Lauren's and she did the same. Jordan kind of disturbed me, but he was just trying to help. Nina R also tried to consoled me, but talked down to me, and she doesn't really understand because she's always been more experienced than me since we were in middle school. I've known her for so long, and we've always been there for each other, especially on relationship issues, but she's always been leaps and bounds ahead of me. And the other Nina and I talked about not having sex with our more experience boyfriends, and laughed about it and shit. My friends really did help me not feel like a complete ass. Santina told me that I had the plot for a "coming of age" story, and if she only knew the half of it, haha. My laugh is a fucking made for TV movie.

Yesterday I had to get out of town, so my cuz came and picked me up and I stayed at his house in South Jersey. Basically, it's this big group of Texans who have all moved there from this company they used to work at in Austin, to one in NJ. They're all really cool and most know me fairly well. My favorite is this guy Matt, who was finally back after moving back to TX in April. I missed him. He was one of my favorites, we'd watch TV until 3 a.m.  and just shoot the shit. We did the same thing yesterday, until he had to leave around 12:45 while we were watching SNL. He also gave me some chocolate Sam Adams. I don't really like dark beers, but it was alright. There was a little bit of an after taste of tootsie roll, which was alright, haha. Then I had a Miller Light, which was alright. Not my favorite. I feel like beer cans have more drink in them than sodas, because I can finish a soda so easily, but when I drink a beer it just takes forever. We all watched Half Baked and chilled out. I got a little tipsy, the alcohol just made me a bit dumber and made it easier for me to laugh at all the ridiculous parts of that movie. I love Jim Breur... he's cute. I stayed the night and slept on the sofa next to a few cans of Miller. It was like some had lit a weird beer-candle, and if I lifted my head I just got a big whif of it.

Well, none of this is really important, I'm psyched about tomorrow cause we have no school due to snow. My friends are all excited about smoking a lot of weed and going sledding. I'm hoping to smoke myself stupid, to the point where it's a problem to coordinate your feet to walk and shit. That's the only kind of high I like. One of the reasons I used to not like weed was because it just didn't ever hit me hard enough. I need that deep fucking punch to the face. I know that I shouldn't be drinking and smoking away my problems. It's only partially that though, so I'm not going to worry that much. Anyway... nothing will ever be easy for me, haha, but one day it'll be better. I'm going to try and get over myself.

I love you guys!

I'm going to go sledding with Lauren, the Ninas, Sam, and Zack. I'm going to bake him some cookies, and be the cute, dutiful girlfriend that I am. Haha, or at least my attempt at it.

- Lucy = )

BTW, Melody, thanks for the comment before. It made me feel a bit better.

Elevation

It was a half day today, so we got out at 12... I filled up my car with gas at the sketchy gas station. I couldn't understand the Indian man with the really thick accent there. Situations like that intimidate me because I feel bad, having to say, "What??" After that ordeal, I landed at Lauren's house, and we waited and waited and WAITED for Nina to come over or for Zack to be ready. But, Lauren and I decided to fuck it and we walked out and started to smoke. However, her pipe is really shitty and hard to take big pulls off of, so we stopped and right as we did, Nina appeared with two joints. She wanted to hike up this big hill, but Lauren and I were both hesitant (it's the size of a mini-mountain, very stiff and slippery due to leaf litter, and we would be high). 

Anyway, we got outside and we went to this fort in the wood that the neighbors built. We got inside and smoked the two joints at the same time, which was hard and annoying. Haha, Lauren was impressed with Nina's "craftsmanship," because she used magazine for the filters. So, after smoking both of them we headed onward. After much climbing, and my own issues, as I tried to mount it on my hands and feet (I felt like such an animal, I was also positive I was gonna fall down and die, haha, but it was still fun). When we reached the top, which is near the road, we found some animal bones. As we dug them up it was really funny, because this man legit slowed down to a stop and just stared at us. We all decided that he might be about to call the cops, so we better get the last of the bones and head back down. (During this time we also had to keep stopping Nina from lighting the woods on fire, haha). 

We got home and ate cheese doodles (which are apparently MADE OF REAL CHEESE, which was an exciting discovery, haha) and we watched dumb videos on youtube which were supposed to "enhance" our high and make the walls move and shit. It did that somewhat, but it was hard for me to focus on it and I kept getting distracted. Also, there was one where the guy kept talking and I couldn't handle it, I was laughing hysterically and shit. IT WAS RIDICULOUS. After way too much of that, I decided that it was 3 and I better get home to do homework and practice bass and go to pit practice. 

Zack was still MIA until I was driving home when he texted me. I kind of fought with him last night, and was in a shitty mood. I felt bad taking it out on him, but I didn't on some level. He kind of deserved it. He didn't understand that the fact that he didn't give me my Valentine's present wasn't about WHAT it was, but that he got it thinking of me. Also, I mean, it's super late. Apparently he spent 30 dollars on it, or at least that's what Lauren remembers him saying.

Today at school, due to African American History month, we had some of the African American students speak and we had a reverend speak. This one guy did, whose super cool, and everyone loves him. I could definitely see him as the president of the United States, he's so charismatic and intelligent, we've always believed that he would become a politician. The Reverend sucked balls, he had no idea what to say, and you could see he was freaking out. This other girl sang and she was AMAZING. It was so impressive. My friends thought it was actually pretty good, which I was surprised about, seeing as how my friends can have a hard time taking stuff like that seriously.

I have pit practice later... ugh... I haven't practiced at all. I am so lazy in that respect. I haven't done any homework either and I'm still a bit high. It's hard for me to handle focusing on shit when I'm this tired. I think I'm gonna nap for 30 minutes and then practice... and then eat...

FOOD. haha. Oh man, I'm going to have no brain cells by the time I'm 20...

I reminded Nina to pay back the other Nina, because she shorted her about 7 bucks, and it was a sale. I feel bad when I tell people shit like that because occasionally they get offended when I'm like, "Yo, so and so was talking about you doing this, and you need to fix it before they get pissed." I can't help it, when I'm high I just want to play the middle man, but it can be bad.

Anyway, I'm going to go and take a nap or watch tv, and waste some more of my time. I'll take pictures of the bones once they are bleached.

Love,

- Lucy = )

I tried to find videos of "Elevation" by Television, but all of the ones on youtube aren't the real band or are of U2... how lame. Anyway, you should look up Television, one of my favorite bands and Tom Verlaine, the lead singer, is from my hometown. = )

Strange

It's not really how I feel. I feel like reality is biting me in the ass. I woke up at 7:30 this morning, feeling like a combination of booze, candy, and pills were about to jump out of stomach (kinda hoping they would, seeing as how I felt like I was dying). Yeah, I was a dumbass and now I feel really shitty and I don't plan on doing that ever again. Tanzen mixed the remainder of our vodka with cranberry juice and mandarin orange seltzer... IT WAS NASTY. Anyway, I drank it... enough of it, to get me close to drunk, but not (as Santina would describe my antics occasionally) "WASTED!!!". Santina, Tanzen, Ned, and I went out to dinner last night and then hung out around the Village. We went to my favorite record shop "Bleaker Street Records" and then we went to Ned's house. Walking down St. Mark's we saw some Crustys that I had kinda met at a show at ABC No Rio at the WWIX show there a month ago, or so. One of them talked to me, and was kind of cute. I don't have a problem with crustys, some people really don't like them, but they don't bother me. We're just different styles really, that's the major difference. I was saying that to them as we walked West and they walked South towards the LES. I forgot to tell you guys that I'm the leader of the GB Crew, which is my crew of friends. Basically, my goal with our crew is to A) have an awesome time, B) eliminate "Archey" from our shows, C) protect the teenagers (especially the youngsters, like 14/15 year olds) from assholes like "Archey" beating them up, and D) make ourselves kind of like staples of our shows. Tanzen says I'm a born leader, I don't know if I'd agree with that, but I like to imagine that it's true. Anyway, the GB Crew is going to keep making the NYC punk scene as awesome as we can.

I am just feeling shitty, my stomach hurts, my head doesn't feel great and I keep having nasty dreams about getting caught with drugs or doing drugs... or something.

Two nights ago I dreamed that my father was going to give me a drug test requiring a urine sample. But, my rents left the house? And suddenly I was alone, and there was this bong for some reason, but it was like a graduated cylinder at the same time (dual functioning bong and graduated cylinder... for the stoner in every scientist). Inside of it there were tablets or pills or something, for a reason I don't know. Anyway, it was very bizarre, and then I woke up and shit. Then last night, I had a dream about my father coming into my room. I was laying in my bed and he was talking to me. I was talking about how I was feeling really bad and my stomach really hurt. He then replied with something about how it was going to hurt one of us more (I can't remember which one of us) and that I was going to get a blood test tomorrow. I'm so glad that that was just a dream. Fucking, obnoxious shit. I don't quit worrying until I'm in the clear for testing negative for any drugs that I've used in urine or blood tests.

This nausea is shitty at the moment. I feel kind of like just laying in a ball and not moving, but I want to finish up my homework and then see Zack. He's gonna give me my Valentine's day gift today. = ) I think its either flowers or a teddy bear (I kinda asked for the bear, because I saw it when we went out to dinner, and it was adorable and cliched and shit... and I wanted it!) mostly because he refused to put it in his backpack and bring it into school. I played him a song... and gave him the CD "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop (I wanted to give him the Buzzcocks album "Singles Going Steady"). I played him the song "Love You More" on guitar... and it was really awkward, but fun kind of. I get embarrassed easily when it comes to lovey-dovey shit. He thought it was "cute." Haha, I guess that's what I'm aiming for.... or something? I have no idea, I'm bad at being all cutesy and shit.

My one teacher yelled at me in the hallway for missing her class 4 or 5 times. Not, 7 or 8, not 10 or 12, 4 OR 5 TIMES. This woman is on crack. I think she thought I was cutting because my homeroom teacher thought I was on a field trip, so I don't know, maybe it came up that way. But I wasn't, I was legitimately sick. Only once did I cut her class, and that was a while ago. It was at least over a month ago. This woman is such a bitch, and I'm going to make her feel really shitty when I come in and tell her that it was for arthritis. Maybe that's a bitchy thing to do, but it's the best ammunition I got when it comes to teachers, because it's not a direct conflict, it just makes them feel bad. Honestly, making other people feel shitty is a lot more powerful than yelling at them, because that just makes them feel angry. I don't know. I was legitimately in a lot of pain, I have never missed school due to arthritis, besides last Thursday, because it really did hurt.

Anyway, I gotta get to doing homework.... because well... it's important? And I can't seem to be a slacker. It's just not in my nature, unless, I know it won't matter. So, I should go get on that. I also gotta make another GB Crew t-shirt, this will be the third. I gotta get some black pain to cover up part of this one because there's a design on it that she doesn't like.

Well, I'm off!

I hope y'all have a lovely Sunday and week until I'm back!

Love,

- Lucy = )

Give me the cure...

I've been home all day... my arthritis was so bad this morning and I decided to say fuck it, and after a few dirty looks from my mother and enough guilt to last me a few hours, I went back to bed. I exchanged the DC skate pants I had been wearing for my jammies, and headed to bed still wearing the pink dress that I like wearing over pants. And here I am, still in the pj bottoms and dress, with an ancient hoodie (I've had this shit since like 7th or 8th grade, haha). Well, after really waking up around 9:30 and finding myself in need of something a bit stronger than two tylenol (I don't know how normal people use that shit to ease their pain, I took some of the extra strength and I still felt like crap), I popped a few hydros and lounged around watching TV. My arthritis hasn't been this bad in my back in... well, honestly, it's never been this bad for this many days in a row. I've been trying to not play guitar and watch too much TV, instead of finishing up this book. I've only read like 60 pages, and I have 50 pages to go. The test I was supposed to take was moved to monday at lunch (THANK GOD, I WAS GONNA FAIL THAT SHIT). I'm hoping that my mom makes burritos for dinner... she let me and my dad pick, and he let me pick. I was really nice to him today, I was just too high and too out of it to care. The dog peed in the living room for no reason, so that was bad. It means that I lit a bunch of weird scents of incense (which was a recipe for disaster, yet I still did it), and now my  room is kind of irritating my throat and nose... yeah, I don't know why I did that... I lit the really odd strawberry incense that I got in Austin... it smells like shit, and yet I lit it... Haha, obviously, my mind was not completely thinking.

I kind of bitched out Zack last night, for no reason. But, I apologized, and he was still sweet as can be... I don't understand it. Haha, he's too good to me. Nina R was saying that he thinks so highly of me and not to blow it, etc. Which I thought about today, its one of the reasons I'm not honest with him about a lot of shit, because I feel like he thinks of me in a way that I don't want to lose. I say that I love Zack. I love him as a friend, and I couldn't ask for more in a boyfriend or any man. I guess, I don't know if I really "love him" though. He's just perfect, and I don't know what to think about it. Well, either way, I'm glad that he's mine. He's a great guy.

I'm going to go back to reading and listening to Fugazi...

I guess the reason that I fell in love with this song was because I discovered it after having arthritis for 2 years. As a 13 year old kid, I was angry and I didn't know why mostly. I knew that I was pissed that I wasn't normal, and that no one understood that. I knew that I was pissed at my father on some level, for making my mother be depressed. I knew that I was pissed because I felt like compared to all the money in the world, to me, I didn't mean shit to my dad. I guess that anger never really left and thats why this song is one of my favorites. Probably my favorite song ever.

I'm actually in a pretty good mood.

Have a good night guys!

- Lucy <3

Rudie Can't Fail

I've been listening to the Clash all day. If you wanna know a few songs I really like, if you don't know the Clash that well, check out: "Rudie Can't Fail," "Hateful," "Lost in the Supermarket," "Clash City Rockers," and "SPANISH BOMBS." I love Spanish Bombs, when we were in middle school, Nina would always sing, haha. = )

I was gonna go to that show last night, but on Friday my Papa texted me telling me that it was 18+ and Keith told me. Haha, and then I complained to Justin about it. It was an interesting hour of conversations to say the least, but Justin and Jay cheered me up. = )

Anyway, on Saturday I hung with Lauren, who thought she was on her death bed due to her terrible sinus infection. We watched random ass shit on TV, and then some Flight of the Conchords (which is one of my favorite shows, but I can only watch it on youtube because I don't have HBO = (. Her parents made seafood and steak to celebrate her dad's promotion, which is really good for her family, and so it was a really good meal. Obviously, haha, we had a very romantic dinner. Zack took me out on thursday, and I think I'm going to bake him a cake as his present for V-day.

Then on Sunday I travelled into Brooklyn, and mass-transit was working fairly well, which made me happy. Santina was going to hang with us, but then couldn't because her mom wouldn't let her. Tanzen and I met up and she gave me a Valentine, it had this little card which said, "You know that I will love you no matter what you do. Just make your choices wisely and to yourself be true! I love you!" I just feel guilty for making her worry and shit. I don't know, I feel guilt for telling people shit, I know people care, even when I feel like a mediocre shit head, people give a fuck about me. Thats a good thing because I've realized that a lot of my issues are due to my fucked up relationship with my dad. I've realized that my distance from him in my childhood due to his work in China and in CA has made me hate him in some ways, because when he came back and wanted to be my dad it just didn't make any sense. I love him, I just wish he could be more like he was when I was a kid and not some crazed old man, who I hate.

It was just me, Tanzen, and her sis. No one else was around so we got a wee-bit drunk, and watched Empire Records and then we walked around their neighborhood in search of coffee. It was fun we played this card game called "haberdashy" (no not a men's hat shop). It's like gin-rummy without having to take turns, so its a lot faster and so much fun. We gave each other nicknames, I was "Rebel" because of my cliched can-throw onto a lawn we passed. Tanzen's sis said to me, "Oh, RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE." Haha, and so we all laughed about it, "I was like, oh yeah, that's how I role. Yeah, I'm not even gonna pick it up." We all joke about me and my "hardcoreness" because I prefer not to fight with my parents and I get good grades and shit like that. I mean, I'm a good kid, with a few flaws, haha, and people think its funny that I am a "punk." The next day we woke up and wanted to go to Voxpop, our favorite coffee shop. It's an awesome place! It's where I got my anarchist calendar there last year, haha (now think about THAT). But, its not serving food due to some trouble with the city of NYC, so we went to this other place. Not as good, but cheap, and we found a table to eat and play cards at.

Right now, my fellow GB Crew member and I, Hughie are discussing plans for the weekend, crew t-shirts, and his band. I'm thinking that his band might play my b-day show, because I'd love it, and it'd make me happy. They said that I could make their shirts for them, which is awesome to me. I made our crew's t-shirts, I drew the stencil, and we're all going to have one.

I know it's pretty sexy across my "lovely rack" with my classy flannel. At the moment I'm wearing that flannel with obnoxious new plaid pants.

At the moment I am also talking to my friend Nina (not the one pictured) about her ex who just called and said he has HPV, and that she gave it to him, or he gave it to her, or something. She apparently came back clean last time she was tested, but she'll probably get tested again, which is good. I worry about her, she's one of my dearest friends, and someone I've been good friends with since we were 11. Nina and I are fucked up in different ways, she was diagnosed with nymphomania after being raped at 15. She went to therapy and is now doing really well, and is basically cured, which is great! She's a lot happier now I think. She's dealing now, which kind of makes me sad, but its alright I guess. I tell people to buy from her and stuff, I don't know, I just try to be helpful. She almost had someone come to my street and buy from her tonight, and I told her absolutely not. I don't know, but that's invading my space, and its one thing to do it with my friends outside my house, if they were already here hanging, but some random girl who is only an acquaintance of mine is a definite NO. Lauren was trying to goad me into saying it was okay, but I stood my ground and Nina was cool with it. Her, Lauren, and Sam came over tonight and we played cards and watched clips of Maury on youtube. I have to post this one video it was AMAZING.

I'm wathing intervention and talking to people online. It's almost too entertaining for my drug addled brain. After this I'll probably read some blogs, do some sudoku, play some guitar, and then maybe around 3 or so I'll go to sleep. I like fighting sleep, haha, it makes me happy.

With my new darker hair, I wanna try new makeup, haha. I put on mixed lilac, teal, and dark blue eyeshadow together, which made my features darker. I kinda like it. I also brought some new red lipstick, because I'm so pale and now have dark hair, the combination with dark makeup kinda looks really good. Haha, I don't know, I love trying new makeup, it's entertaining.

= )

Well, guys, I love you all!

I hope you had a fabulous weekend!

Love, 

- Lucy

HEY ASSHOLES!

Anons!

I don't care what you say. 

If you're losers enough to come to my blog and make comments about how I look, well, it doesn't really matter. Have you ever thought that nobody cares? Because I definitely don't.

You need to get a life.

= )

Ironically, I get guys and I get their numbers. Obviously, not yours. But, I wouldn't want to do anything with someone who is loser enough to spend their time commenting anonymously on teenagers' blogs.

Seriously?

Come on now, lets all be real.

"The clothes that I wear, and the color of my hair, I'm a rocker."

If anyone can name the artist and the name of the song, I'll be quite impressed.

I'll give ya a hint. They're English. = )

BTW, excuse my face, its all unmade up because I'm about to go to bed. = )

Okay, so, beyond the lovely song reference. Yes, I have new hair. It is not as pink as it was over the summer, but still quite a nice shade, with the rest of my head being a dark, dark blue. If I had bleached it, as always, it would have been better, but it works.

I gots my report card (notice the irony) this week. I made the honor roll. = ) And I got As in half of my classes, which means that I got As in two APs, and Bs in the other two. GOOD SHIT.

Today, sadly, I found out that the show I wanted to go to was 18+... FUCK MY AGE. Even Justin, my dream-man, who is all of 39 years (you wouldn't guess he's a day over 27, though), was pissed for me, he was like, "What, you miss it by like 2 weeks?!" We were agreeing on the unfairness, and Papa Jay was preaching patience to me over texting. Haha, oh my heroes, always helping me through rough mental states.

This week I also punched all my mediocrity away, in the form of the wall. Which made me feel a lot better at the time, but now the cut on my finger from it kind of burns and I'm almost all out of bandaids...

I was so suped to go get really trashed and go to the show, so now I only get to get really trashed and possibly wander the streets with Tanzen. Oh, its sad. Let me tell you. I have more news about my own desire to get FUBAR this weekend, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow if things go as planned. Crossing my fingers and hoping I make the right decision.

I'm tried, my eye is burning, and I'm ready for sleep. I'll talk to you guys hopefully tomorrow.

= )

Love ya!

Lucy