My boyfriend has been doing heroin since I've been gone. He's shot 80 bags in the span of a month or so. He told me on Tuesday night... I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. It's just like a very confusing thing emotionally. I'm really happy that he told me. I'm angry because he was saying all this nice shit while he was high, and that could've just been the drugs. I'm super pissed that he blew his money on dope and now may not be able to come to Paris in February. I'm also annoyed that I worried about him when he said he was getting sick and shit, thinking he was actually sick, but it was probably just dope. Mostly, I'm worried about him. Everyone I know is telling me to dump him. He quit on Saturday and I think he's doing a lot better today, didn't say he was feeling sick or anything.
This whole thing is just busting me. I don't know what to think, or how to feel. He told me he loved me last night. I believe it. I love him, too. It's just hard to put everything together, it's not nice little boxes. He also reminded me that he had warned me before I left, which I think is really not a good excuse. Yeah, he warned me, and I knew it was possible, I was really worried about it, but that doesn't mean I was mentally prepared for it to happen.
Anyway, if I get back in January, and he hasn't stayed clean, then I'm gonna dump his ass. I know that junkies only love junk, and I'm not gonna be the third wheel to heroin.
So, yeah, that's been my week. I also had midterms, think I did well, sorry for my suckage at posting shit.
Later!
Love you guys!
- Lucy B.
Because this is kind of a downer, I'm putting in some pics of me with my new pink hair... because, yeah. Don't want to bum you guys out.
9 comments:
Junkies only love junk?
Well if he's a real junkie he needs junk to function and without it has no interest in anything else. With it, he can do just about anything. What a wondrous situation...
You know these bags you're talking about, have you any idea how much they weigh? I heard in NYC it's sold in 0.1g bags is this true?
PS have you been behaving yourself??
PPS surely he won't be able to come over unless he's clean or you can arrange a dealer your end. Otherwise all manner of not good things could transpire... know what I mean...
Yeah, I know that, but he is now clean. However, if he relapses, I'm gonna break up with him because I'm not playing second-fiddle to heroin.
I have no idea, I wasn't gonna ask that at the time. I haven't even thought about how much the bags REALLy are, but je ne sais pas... ehh.
Yes, I have been behaving myself. = ) Just a bit of hash, that's all.
Yeah, luckily he's clean now. Although, he brought up doing heroin over here twice, and if he does that I'm gonna def dump him and kick him out. No heroin in my house. = )
Haha, I feel very odd saying those things, but it's what I think. He seems genuine about staying clean, then again, I'm a pretty great liar, I don't think he's any less (although I think I'm better, haha), so I'm taking everything he says with a grain of salt.
I just read what I put I didn't mean to be patronizing it just comes so naturally! I'm sorry.
Haha, it's totally fine Gleds, I really didn't think of it as patronizing.
= )
I just read your post. Way to say exactly every emotion I am feeling right now. I am going through the very same shit. First coming into my relationship w my bf I was blinded by the start. I had no idea he was using. I was aware he "used to" have a problem w heroine. One day he decided to get clean he claims the drugs weren't working anymore. He went through detox. I was devastated my heart just hurt so bad. I decided to stay w him. Thinking he's been sober all this time I've gone to meetings w him everyday totally supportive to find out today he has been using for god I don't even know how long again. I'm so torn. I haven't told many people at all but I know people will judge me and him as well. I talked to his sponsor and he thinks I should leave him for at least a week but he also says my feelings are my feelings. I feel so stupid for staying w him. I don't ever want him to think for a second this is something I'm ok with. He needs to hit rock bottom. It is so hard because I know what your saying I love him and I know he loves me too. But I just cannot sympathize w him using. I come from a family of addicts. Been dealing w it for years too long definentally don't want to live & be w one for the rest of my life that I love. It is hard. I'm trying to be strong. I care for him and I want what is best for the both of us. I feel horrible leaving him because it hurts my heart. I want to be there for him. But I mean do I really want to go through this again? It's just fucking bullshit. I am so mixed w emotions right now. I love him I want to be w him. I don't want to be w him while he is using. I don't want him using. He makes me feel like he obviously doesn't care so it makes me feel like why the fuck should I care? I don't want to be dumb & nieve. I am really lost right now and I don't know what to think or feel at this point. I feel so betrayed. But I love him so much. I know I will be ok. But man I'm just so torn :-/ I'm sorry I just wanted to vent. I googled I'm dating a junkie and your post was the first search. I really hope for the best for you and your man I hope things are the way they should be for you. I send my good thoughts your way. I felt such relief reading what you wrote. Thankyou for your time if you decided to take the time to read this. I'll shut up now. Take care .
Well, luckily for me, we broke up in May. I don't know your boyfriend, but if I could do it over, I would have left him right after I found out he was using again because he used me for emotional support, while cheating on me and lying about other things.
He will walk all over you if you let him, I know from both being the user and dating one. Sorry if I sound harsh, I have no sympathy for men who treat their girlfriends the way it seems your boyfriend is treating you, and the way mine treated me. Good luck, I hope everything sorts itself out for the best. Also, if you have to choose who to put first, no matter how much you love him, it needs to be you.
P.S. you can always vent on here, the more the merrier! = )
I (20) dated this guy (29) one year ago and we talked about almost everything on our "dates", you know just small talk. When the conversations became more intimate, we talked about broken hearts and old relationships and stuff. I told him my last boyfriend was a complete junkie and I had wanted to help him, but became addicted myself. When I wanted to go university I forced myself to stay away from drugs, not that easy, but I'm doing waaaay better than I did before. My relationship didn't survive my choice, because my ex didn't see any harme in drugs. Eventually he ended up in rehab, but is still addicted. I told my date I never ever wanted a relationship like that again. He told me he had used (past tense!!!) some drugs when he was my age, you know just for fun. We tried to have a relationship in october/ november last year... The first week we were together everything was just perfect... But the weeks after were just hell! He snorted speed, swallowed ectasy, was drunk all the time and smoked weed all day long. Sometimes he forgot I was with him on a party and just abandonned or was hitting on other girls or invited me over to friends and took off to score somewhere else or fell asleep. He has a son who's 2 years old. I mean he lied to me and he was being a neglective father. After one month I told him I was not okay with it and he promised me to give up the shit... Which he didin't. After 2 months I told him again. He was very angry and texted me that our relationship was over. We didn't speak for 4 months and then all of a sudden he texted me. He told me he was clean, found a great job and was being a great father. We ran into each other one day and we had an awesome day together. Two weeks later he wanted to see me again. He told me he still loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend again. At first I really didn't wanted, but you know everybody deserves a second chance... But now he "has" me again he is totally taking me for granted again, he is lying about everything, nothing he says makes sense and he is about to move in with his drugs compagnions. He says he will be able to stay away from the drugs, but he's so weak! he can't say 'no' to his "friends". I texted him three times this week to ask him to talk about it, but he's just ignoring me. He also forgot my birthay, ignored me when I was two weeks in the hospital and never apologized for his big lie. I actually asked him what he was thinking when he was taking the drugs after our conversations and he said: "I was just waiting to see your reaction". It's like torturing me or something... Now he's gonna move in that "house of doom"... But I never ever want to enter that house again! And he's gonna raise his son in there... Ow god... I wanted to 'help' him, because I don't want the child to suffer from all this... But am I wrong if I leave the guy?
Eileen
Hey eileen,
You need to leave this guy for your own sanity. The only thing that you seem to be receiving from this relationship is heartache. The way that I look at it is that most people (me included) when they are doing drugs constantly, are dating drugs. He is in a relationship with his addiction and since you're luckily not a part of it, you've become the 3rd wheel. You can do better. You deserve to be treated like the center of attention, not someone whose feelings he can stomp on. I'm sorry to hear about his son. I think that if you truly fear for his well being, then I would seek out outside help. I know its hard but you can do it.
Best wishes!
- Lucy
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