31 days and I wanna get HIGH.

I wanna get high. I wanna get loaded and nod out and stay there, until I come out of it, but only to get high again.

Tonight is a bad night... I want drugs. I want drugs. I wanna shove it into my arm and my nose and my mouth, and fill 'em all up, until I can't put in anymore.

I'm depressed tonight for no reason. And depression for no reason to me is always related to a lack of drugs, in general.

Did I mention Mike used to counsel addicts? Yeah... so I'm dating a cleaned up junky and a drug counselor... It's weird man. I don't know, it makes me almost uncomfortable, cause sometimes he says shit and it's just like: "oh yeah... you're a drug counselor... fuck." I prefer the cleaned up junky Mike, to the drug counselor Mike... but what can ya do?

I think what pissed me off a lot before was, I guess due to lack of explanation, he didn't realize how constant my drug use was since the age of 16. I've probably gotten high at least once a week, if not multiple times, since that time in my life... so to do an entire month sober, is such a mind fuck. And I wanna get high. I wanna get high so bad. I wanna eliminate carve up those bits of my brain that are burning right now. It's a headache that makes me want to bang my brain into the wall. And incinerate it. Incinerate that desire, that's burning up my brain - it's just fighting fire with fire.

Whatever. I have one pill here. I filched it off a friend's desk. He didn't want it... I might eat half of it, it's a sleeping pill. Same kind of shit as ambien, if you take it and then stay awake you do dumb shit... DAMN I WANNA GET HIGH. But I gotta save myself. I just don't wanna throw away such a good amount of time on one little pill. I don't consider drinking breaking my sobriety (which is unfair or something? I don't know... not completely logical) because drink has never been a problem for me... not saying that it couldn't become one... It's just, umm..., I don't know, the little reprieve that I need.

AN HOUR LATER:

I feel better... It just takes time. That need decreases and slowly your brain comes back to its logical side and you go: "Thank g--, I stayed sober..."

Catch ya later kids!

- Lucy :-)