Ping-pong

I feel like I bounce between wanting to recover and not caring. On one side, I know that recovery will make me less paranoid, more of my own person mentally. But on the other side I don't want to leave everything, there is a reason why I keep coming back.

It's funny, today was a bad day and a good day. Bad on the level- all I could think about was getting high. Good on the level - I hung out with people, bought a new shirt, went to class, and generally didn't feel too bad besides... well, you already know. I felt very content, but everyday that I move from my last hit makes me nervous. I don't know why I'm scared, but I'm terrified. I lay in bed and I wonder what I'm going to do. It makes me think of the song "Success" by Iggy Pop: "Here comes success/ over my hill." That whole feeling of, "Yeah, it's coming." But I don't know. It all makes me feel young. I don't know how to say it other than that. I'm too young to be dealing with this stuff, but I am. I think about years in weird ways now, years seem short and don't really illustrate time. Time is long and idle, time is like those minutes that don't end but seem to sit and wait.

My scar is really itching. I had an infection in it last fall, it's purple and pink and the skin itches a lot. Honestly, there's nothing like getting an abscess to make you feel like a dumbass. It's like, "Oh... that was dumb..." I knew there was something wrong, but nope had to get a fix, so I just stuck the needle through it. Fuck it hurt, but I mean, you take the hit and then you don't really care. It's weird. It's so weird to think about it. It was my own damn fault, so I mean, I paid for everything that happened afterwards and I guess before it.

There's this kid I know who is always telling me how she, "would try heroin." Now, that scares the shit out of me. Here is my friend, someone who I would risk my neck for, but she is saying this shit. It's weird to have to talk someone out of it. I think she just says, "well you've done it, what's the big deal?" I don't know how to get through to her how bad it is. Ya know, it's like, I can't make her see it. I just wish she wouldn't say those kinda things, it scares me to think that it could be my fault. That's how I would feel. It's one thing to fuck yourself up, but it's another to hurt a good friend. I simply do no have the right to destroy someone in that manner. I wouldn't turn her on or anything, but I just would feel like I was responsible. She is the only one who I have ever been completely honest to from the start about my own use. (It's funny but I can't seem to say the a-word, it's like if I think it it's one thing, but I can't get myself to write it). A-D-D-I-C-T-I-O-N. Holy crap... I don't even want to think it. I want to erase, but I won't. It's the truth. I can tell truth from lies better than ever before, that's the other change that I've noticed. Once you plead the same case over and over you know how you lie, to hear other people do it is funny. I guess it's not a good thing, but I can see it.

Would it be ironic to say that I'm in a much better mood after writing all of this? But, I do, I feel better.