It's a mental twist

It's been bad for the past week or so. Extra bad. The kind of things that you read about in books but you don't get to experience first hand. Unless you're a junky. It's funny but a lot of the time I smell things that remind me of shooting up. That's the weird part, you can't predict it. I can't tell you what's going to make me want to get high, but when it happens it hits home. I haven't taken a shot since January. Not that I didn't try. My works are all busted up and kinda gross, and the scar tissue on my arm with the good vein is really painful and makes it even harder. I think that the farther you get away from doing it, the more you romance it. You don't think about stabbing and stabbing and stabbing your arm, you just think about the high afterwards. The biggest problem with people who haven't tried opiates is that they romance it. They think of Trainspotting or something other movie and they think, "wow, those guys seem so cool. I could be like them..." But there's no reality in that, not that there is much reality in anything.

I have gear but I keep not using it, which is weird in itself. You'd assume that if my mind was focusing on getting high all day for a week I would just use it, but I can't seem to. It's this whole thing where if I use I won't have any more and I'm afraid of that. I keep saying that I won't use, but I say, "On thursday I will." Then thursday rolls around, "On saturday I will." I keep pushing it back, but I guess that's a good thing. Or something. I really want to, I'm just afraid of not having any gear.

Another weird thing is that I haven't really been thinking about shooting up until last week. You see, I usually just snort it, or swallow a pill, mostly because of my problems with my arm. But this week I just kept thinking about it. I just kept picturing the spoon and watching everything kinda swirl and the cotton and watching it become empty. I see needles and I want to puke. I want it. That's all I want. I want it so bad.

If you wanna hear a good song, which makes me chuckle: "Not If You Were the Last Junkie On Earth" by the Dandy Warhols. I just kept listening to it on the train today over and over.