So, is this sobriety, or SOBRIETY?

Okay, so no opiates for almost a month! "Scandal, Franco!" (if you can tell me what movie that quote is from, I'll be really impressed.) The 4th it will be a month since January 4th, well, lets see how I feel about this. I have no idea. I keep thinking man, this would be so great, if I was high. Fuck, just saying that makes it sound good. But, I can't. I gotta be good, mostly because, as much as I love taking some pills and letting my mind go, I know that I'm benefitting in less paranoia about drugs being found or being noticed missing (on those occasions when I filch them). I smoked weed yesterday, and it was actually the best experience with it I've had in a while. My friends went and smoked with me during lunch and then we went back to class, I got quite high (I didn't realize how I high I was until I started talking about guinea pigs for about 3 hours). Makes me nervous about getting drug-tested, but I can't sweat it. Zack was making fun of me today, "wow, so, that was short-lived." I was like, "hey, it's been two weeks..." Whatever, I enjoyed it, I was supposed to be playing music with my friends tonight, but I think I might go to bed early and read and watch TV with my mother, etc. I was invited to a party, and although I've never been to a house-party, I don't really want to go. The girl who is hosting it and I don't get along, and I'm planning on getting well, trashed tomorrow at the show, so I figure I better not come home wasted tonight. I guess my sobriety, is really only the absence of opiates... but thar works for me...

Tomorrow's show has some of my favorite bands. My Papa is going to take me, my fake sis Santina, her bf, and my bf, to dinner. I'm also going to get to read poetry at the show and hand out my chap books which I just made. Should be sweet. I can't wait for me and Zack to get to hang out in the city, we're leaving at 12:30 and probably won't be home until 11:30 or so. I can't wait, I love him. Still no fucking, but that's okay... I've realized that I'm kind of... umm.. afraid of dicks? Not that I'm a lesbian, because vajayjays are way nastier. There is nothing hot about vagina, I don't understand lesbians or straight guys... vages are nasty. Anyway, I'm psyched to have a moment with Zack's dick. = ) That will happen, and you guys will get to hear the full scoop... I'm sure I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow or Sunday.

Dude, I'm tired, I'm full, I feel sick... I'm going to go rest, without drugs, fridays are kind of taxing. Whatever, I'll get drunk tomorrow and that'll be funny as shit. = )

Love you guys,

Lucy!

Saturday Night

Tonight's my friend's 18th birthday party. I'm pretty psyched for that, gonna get all dolled up as follows: black-pinuppy dress (as shown), black fishnets, and either my doc martens or my yellow heels. I'm excited, and am demanding that Zack where a white button down shirt (hey, if I'm going to look nice, then he better too...). Zack thinks my fishnets are really hot. Who doesn't? Haha, okay, so if you can't tell I'm in a weird mood. I do have something interesting to say... but I wonder how much you really wanna hear about me being a dumb teenager... well, I guess that's why people read my posts... okay, so I will give you the details without being too tasteless....

THIS NEXT PART OF THE POST IS LACIVIOUS AND VERY TASTELESS. IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE YOUR MIND NOT VERY DISTURBED (BECAUSE I'M A TEENAGER) BUT STILL SOMEWHAT DISTURBED, THEN DO NOT GO FORWARD AND HIGH TAIL IT BACK TO SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOG.

Last night, Zack and I were hanging out, being dumb as always. Anyway, as teenagers are want to do, we are just kind of joking around, and poking each other and shit, kind of wrestling (these are not sexual innuendos, seriously, if we were fucking I would have said it). I turn on the computer, and put on some Iggy Pop ("I Wanna Be Your Dog" and "Death Trip" are playing, those are the songs to think about). Anyway, I decide to go on iChat and talk to one of my friends. It's actually my friend who is really overprotective of me (in the space of a year and a half she has had sex with 13 guys, so I am looked at as a little innocent pup). We're sitting there video chatting with her, and I start to just kind of... hmm... how do I put this tastefully? I don't think I can... umm... rub his "pant-leg"... So, you all know what I mean. But, at the same time I'm having a conversation with her. You may all think that I'm a bit of a weirdo, but honeslty, it was kind of hot because we were talking to her at the same time, and she could only see like our faces. Zack was so pissed at me too, because after she signed off, I left him hard and then started to go do other shit. I kind of sang along to Iggy Pop and walked around my room, and then drove him home. As much as he was all "you're a cock tease blah blah blah" he didn't seem to mind. Am I a terrible person? No. Did I prove to him that I was in control? Yes. I like being in control, haha. A lot. Anyway, as I was prancing around my room picking up shit and finding my clothes for the party, he was watching me and told me how he thought my fishnets were really hot (my friend who I was iChatting with told me this previously). And at the end of the night I felt like I was a stellar teenager and... okay, this is going to sound lame, but I feel like everyone should have one astoundingly teenage moment, and that was mine. I kind of liked it because I knew that I shouldn't be iChatting, rubbing my boyfriend's dick, and listening to Iggy Pop all at the same time. 

The way I just wrote this does not really do it justice, ya know? I was actually quite hot, if I do say so myself. I would like to say something else, which happens to be exceedlingly tasteless, do you guys wanna read it? Okay, if you don't then skip to the next paragraph, but here it is: Zack has a big dick.

So, I feel kind of unclean for writing this all on here... but, I mean, you guys will find it entertaining... or awkward. Whichever way you feel, I mean, come on, you were all teenagers at some point. It makes me feel like a cliche saying this, but, this is how I imagined teenage punk love to be. And yes, it's really too much fun. = P

Well, after that lovely lacivious post, I'm going to go read some more "Pride and Prejudice."

Love ya guys,

- Lucy = )

Pass the Puck

(I'm going back to blog titles that are the titles of songs, Pass the Puck is by Two Man Advantage, a Long Island Hardcore Band)

Thanks Gledwood for the "Honest Scrapper" Award. Here are 10 things which probably won't surprise you...

1. ) The first time I dyed my hair, when I got home, my father stood in the door way yelling "FREAK!" at me and then shutting the door. He kept doing this until I got inside. (I was coming home after being away for 6 weeks, haha)

2. ) I started playing bass at the age of 13, and I still have the same teacher. It's weird, but awesome none the less.

3. ) My first trip was spent listening to the song "Stay With Me" by Rod Stewart and the Small Faces... on repeat for hours. That song is AMAZING.

4. ) I have a thing for arms and stomachs on men. Zack isn't as muscular as I would like, but his stomach is really nice.

5. ) My favorite movie is "Trainspotting" and I can basically repeat it word for word.

6. ) Some of my friends call me "Nugget" because they think that's what my head looks like... and occasionally I respond to it.

7. ) My favorite pair of shoes are my Doc Martens. They make me feel like I can beat up anyone.

8. ) My goal, besides going to college: have everyone in the NYC punk scene know my name, and think highly of me. (haha, I don't want to be like Jess, but I won't go into that)

9. ) I am in love with this guy named Justin, he's about double my age (even though he looks about 27), and I've met his wife... I kind of have a thing for older guys.

10. ) My friends have this big joke about me doing heroin (ironic, right?), anyway, this joke has being going on for a while and Nina occasionally will walk up to me in the hallways and go: "Lucy B, please report to the main office, we found heroin in your locker."

Who am I going to give the award to... Melody Lee for basically being the coolest person on here and always giving the anons what they deserve, Noah for always telling it like it is (even though I think he hates me), Kim for being so devoted to learning (seriously, I'm impressed with your drive to go after such a hard subject), and Gledwood for being my favorite man on here. = )

Criteria of the award are to link to the blogger who gave it you, post a collection (ideally of 10) honest things about yourself and to pass on the award to as many folks as you please...

I AM A BAMF

Okay, so, I am so fucking happy and shit... you don't even know right now...

Last night, Zack's aunt and cousin were off with relatives over night. So, being a 17 year old, I spent then night!!!! Now, me being me, as I told my friend who was "afraid for my vcard": my vcard is intact. Obviously, some shit happened, but you guys definitely don't want details. But, the night was just so much fun. Mostly, we just hang out, said dumb shit to one another, watched dumb tv shows. His mother called last night, she was really drunk. It took him like 40 minutes to get her off the phone as we walked around and I tried to stifle my laughter. The funniest thing was when she said to him: "Is your girlfriend there?" "Is Sarah there? Don't lie to me." And the second time he said yes sarcastically, and she said, "awww." Haha, I had to fucking run out of the room because i was dying. She also called him a cracker. I wore his clothes and shit when we went to bed. In the morning I made us eggs for breakfast, and we watched dumb shows on Lifetime.

One of the best quotes of the night was when he was like, I'll go sleep on the sofa, and I asked if he was afraid and he says: "I have no problem sleeping with you."

THE NIGHT BEFORE:

I got drunk and high after the Reagan Youth show. It was such a great show. I got thrown from the back to the front of the pit and just like being shoved everywhere. Pat kept letting me sing into the mic. I love seeing Reagan Youth because everyone gets so into it and everyone knows the words. There was this big skinhead with read hair who was obviously into me, and kept trying to hit on me. There were three kids who were obviously on speed, you should have seen them, haha. They were like rubbing their hair and their arms and fidgeting and talking at lightening speed. At first I only saw one and thought he just had problems, and then when I saw all three I realized they were high. Good times. Good bands. Good friends. Man, it was a great night. I have some really hardcore missing patches of skin on my arm (from getting dragged from the front of the pit into the floor of the circle pit. Like legit, and then people as they do, hoisted me up and I had to fight my way back to the standing pit.) I like circle pits, but I'm just no coordinated enough to fully enjoy them. Tanzen and I got back to her house and finished up this cranberry vodka we had. Then we smoked about 4 bowls in the park, and got back and tried to play cards (it was so retarded). So, I'm trying to quit because of the crying on the train last weekend and shit, but to no avail. No opiates though, since the 4th of January. Fuck. Well, I don't know. I hate weed. I'm just worried about getting drug tested and coming up positive for weed and getting in trouble because it would be such a waste.

Well, I wonder if I love Zack, I think I love him. I've decided to just take it one day at a time and not think about it.

Well, I love you guys!

- Lucy = )

Strange

I had a drug dream that I have to share with everyone, because it was THAT cracked out. Okay, so I'll start from the beginning. My friend Nina and I are walking from our first block class on the third floor, down to our homeroom on the second floor like every day. However, we take a different stairwell, anyway, we stop on the landing in between the two floors and these three Hispanic kids I recognize are standing there. Anyway, they have like a bowl of what looks to be powdered sugar (I mean, I'm always getting high off of baking goods... anyway). So, the main guy asks if he we want some "name that made no sense when I heard it." It was my minds attempt at a nick-name for a drug gone wrong, to the point where it was legit just sounds. Nina's eyes are kind of bugged out and dilated and a bit crossed. She's very gungho about it. Instead of having viles or tinfoil or baggies... No, it's this thing that looks like a tiny-fish bowl (about the size of a marble) with an opening at the top. They are using spoons the size of like barbie spoons to put the powder in there. BTW, it's supposed to be speed (haha, my dreams... REALLY REALISTIC... not). Okay, so suddenly I wanna say he's given it to Nina, or maybe it's while he's filling the "vile" and he says, "do you want a taste?" Nina  says no, and I look at her and say, "Yes?" So, I snort a little (mind you, I'm standing in a fucking stairwell in my school, which is apparently empty because everyone else is in homeroom). At first, I'm like, wow, nothing. AND THEN IT HITS ME. Suddenly, I feel like I've been hit in the face by a fucking roller coaster and my mind is flying. Nina and I then walk downstairs (some how she is also high). Anyway, we walk down to our homeroom and try to turn off all of the lights in the classroom because it is bothering our eyes. There's this machine in the front with all of these keys and knobs and shit and lights, which I am just so unable to turn off it's not funny. Anyway, I keep trying, to no avail. Finally, I wake up. It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I've been asleep for an hour and I'm fucking sweating because of how high the heat is in my house and the fact that I'm under a blanket. I crawl out and feel so gross and go do homework.

This is how my beginning to going straight is. Great. Fucking, great. Obviously, that's just all I need. Anyway, I'm doing good. Besides when I was about ready to fucking just shove anything into my body to get high on wednesday, lots of shit went down and it was terrible, but I refrained. = ) I don't know, today my friend was being very triumphant when she said she hadn't smoked weed in 3 days? or maybe it was since Sunday? (Obviously, I was paying a lot of attention...) Anyway, I kind of felt bad after just brushing it off like it was nothing. I remember last year when I was so fucking proud to have made it like 2 and a half weeks, and I told my friends and they were just like, "whatever" and it kind of ruined it for me. I'm feeling good about it. I'll just drink because I don't have enough opportunities to drink. I do occasionally feel like I do drink just to get fucked up. Bad Lucy. Bad... I don't know, after Tanzen saying the greatest thing ever: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality." How could I stop drinking? Haha, that's just like the greatest phrase of someone whose had a bit much to drink.

Tomorrows plan: finish off the stoli (I will not poor out fucking as much cranberry juice as last time...) and then go to the show. Enjoy Reagan Youth, then go to Tanzen's. Cut my hair at some point, watch SNL, hopefully eat some Life cereal, play guitar, etc. It'll be great. = )

I FINISHED APPLYING FOR COLLEGE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! = ) Basically, the greatest fear of my life is off of my shoulders. Now it's just up to admissions people, and they can do what they want. Hopefully, I get into to like 8 out of 12 (I know, I applied to way too many schools). Anyway, around April I'll tell y'all the good news. = )

I don't know, I'm tired. 

But I have a question:

Okay, so, with certain guys, I would kiss them and I would literally get weak in the knees. That doesn't happen with Zack. There's no fire there (besides us being two teenagers who like each other). In some ways, I feel like he's just more of a safe choice, rather than like the perfect guy for me. I wish there were more sparks, but it's cool. He's the kind of guy who we're kind of like a great couple, and we'll just work it out. (We put down the deposits on our room after prom, we're sharing a suite with my two good friends and their dates. It's an open room though, with a pull out couch, so it's like two beds and a pull out couch... ugh. AWKWARD. haha).

Should I worry if there are no sparks? That's my question. = )

Well, I'm off to sleep. Good night guys, love you all.

= )

Lucy

The Biggest Lie

I don't have time to write a detailed blog, so here's a synopsis:

School's been crazy and I'm not getting enough sleep, feeling like shit, and just kind of am wondering if the ceiling is going to cave in on my head.

Got drunk with my friends on saturday and wandered around the city writing things like "Cock" "Ass" etc. on people's car windows in the snow. The next morning Tanzen and I smoked, but her dad was there which led to us almost getting caught twice. Tanzen said the funniest thing I have ever heard: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality" (she was drunk when she said that, haha). Jordan saw the girl we all hate at the show he went to, and he called and I got to talk to him and Papa Jay. I got into a horrible mood on the train, I started to cry and shit, I just felt hopeless. I seriously think it's the combination of sleep-deprivation, Sunday, and weed. I hate weed. It really just fucks with my head. 

One thing that we did talk about was how we know that we're going somewhere. I've always felt that there was something about me that meant I was going to do something. Anything. Not in a conceited way, it's just, you can't be born into this world with weird circumstances and lead a weird life and not do SOMETHING. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was going to be end up being a prophet. Not that I'm better than anyone, with each day I just realize how much more fucked up I am than most people I know, but its whatever. I'm going to make something of myself. Anything. Just something that makes me happy at the end of the day.

I'm also wondering if I go straight for the rest of the year and stop touching drugs. Period. What? Am I serious? I have no idea. We'll see how long it lasts. If I keep it going the one good thing will be the relief of not having to hide away shit. There are a few exceptions, but I doubt I'll get a hold of these exceptions... I'm waiting to worry about that shit at a later date.

Well, I'm going to see Reagan Youth on saturday, so I'll probably come back on after that. Everyone have a nice week! = )

Death Trip

Ron Asheton died today.

Lead guitarist of the Stooges... One of the true founding bands of punk... Probably my favorite band of all time.

I feel really weird.

The drummer from No Place to Pissed also died today. All of these people and bands I know knew him.

I don't know what to say. Today's a weird day.

In memory of Ron Asheton, I will post my favorite song by the Stooges:

Bang a Gong

BTW, I forgot to say that I learned something new. I'm sure that most of you are familiar with the song "Bang a Gong" by T. Rex. As my cousin and I were driving through Austin, it came on the radio. The radio host then went on to say that "bang a gong" actually means to shoot up heroin. SCANDALOUS! What kind of terrible people would do such terrible thing? And who would write a song about it? I mean, gosh, I'm just so horrified.

Do you think that's what normal people think? I want to know. BTW, I'll post a video of the song if you don't know it, it's one of my favorites. It makes more sense now, I didn't understand why people were supposed to bang a gong and then fuck. = )

NYE, the end of winter break, and the beginning of 2009.

NYE:

As the rest of my friend's partied and my mother got slousched, I sat with my 22-yr-old cousin and watching Discovery Health shows. Having popped the hydrocodone I found in their house, I was feeling alright. I had been popping them for the past few days, which meant that I was very much feeling quite sober. Anyway, it was kind of a bust. Jordan called me and we discussed this girl that we both hate. He hadn't realized how fucked up she was until that day. Yes, it was quite uneventful, but that's okay I guess.

End of winter break:

I want to cry. I don't want to go back to school. I hate school. Fuck school. Mostly I don't want to do homework. I haven't studied at all for my Latin test, and it's tomorrow. Fuck fuck fuck. I wish winter break lasted forever.

The beginning of 2009:

Well, I've spent 3 out of 4 days in 2009 on some kind of drug. I don't know what that will predict for the rest of my year. I smoked with Lauren last night, which was alright. I wish I had just stayed home kind of. Her sisters tarted to fight with Lauren and the rest of her family, she made Lauren cry, and her parents were ready to like beat her. She's such a bitch. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm home now. I was really happy to see my parents. Lauren's sister had percocet cause she had her wisdom teeth out. Sadly, when she left her parents gave her her pills to take with her. Darn. Well, whatever, it would have been great too because she's such a bitch.

An actual post:

I'm reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce for English class. It's a pretty good book. At first I was confused and put off by the style, it's very odd because it starts when he is a child and the style makes it very jumbled like a kid's brain. I'm also almost done with this book Narcisa by Jonathan Shaw. IT'S AMAZING. Honestly, if you enjoy any druggie books, then you will love it. Beyond that, which is the reason I picked it up, it's very odd and poetic (not oddly poetic, though that could apply as well). The main character/narrator is a biker living in Rio De Janeiro who is an ex-heroin addict from way back in the day. He falls in love with this beautiful young girl who becomes addicted to crack. Now the way I just wrote that sounds terrible right? Well, if you pick up the book you'll realize that, as bad as my description was, it was a great book. Also, it's got a lot of references to philosophy, which I dig and cool quotes. If you enjoyed Naked Lunch for those moments when the poetry of what he was saying came through, then you will enjoy Narcisa! = )

At the moment, I'm watching "Bad Girls," which is a show about an all women's prison in England. I first liked watching it because there were English accents involved (also because I found it last year after getting out of the hospital from the abscess and it was on during the day). Okay, I haven't watched in a while. There's this jail guard who is a "smack heid," so of course I'm rooting for him. I feel bad, but he's been able to avoid getting caught. Oh man, he's attractive.

Anthony was annoying me over break, and kept texting me for no reason that I could figure out. And then he was talking about hanging out and I said: Are you trying to get back together? And he said: Do you want to? Well, after me bascially running him around with random shit (due to the goading of my cousins' friend, who I've had a crush on since I was like 12, he's now 34... hey, a girl can dream = ) I told him: no. I told Zack because I felt like he should know. One thing that I was worried about was that Zack would get territorial. I kind of like that in a guy, but I think he would have had to have been having a bad day for him, when him being bipolar really shows (I have those days too, so it's okay). I don't think Zack thinks of Anthony as a real threat. The only thing that I worry about is that, me, without thinking, will end up doing something stupid with a cute punk boy. I have never cheated on anyone before, so it's not like something that's a pattern. I don't know, I say I love Zack, and I really think that I do. Then again, I love all of my friends, so, how could I not love him? I don't know, I'm 17, so it's whatever. Who can say that teenage love is a wholly bad thing?

I would love something to eat right now... Some warm soup and crackers, or reheated Chinese/Japanese food... or a nap. Yeah, a nap sounds lovely. I'm cold and ready to nod out... 

Well, guys, I would much rather read about your New Year's.

Love and luck in the 2009th year of our Lord (more like their Lord, but whatever, I like how it sounds),

Lucy

P.S. I will have a much more exciting post once I see Zack and go into the city on saturday. We're having a dinner at this diner I like with a lot of my friends, going to eat, then drink, and then run amok. = )