Take Back This City

I'll make this fast because I have to keep this on the DL and I'm sitting in my Aunt's living room.

Plans for New Year's:

- Party with my cousin Chesna and her friends, which will mean I get some booze

- Chilling with my cousin at her place, which means I will get high with some leftover pills I found

- Chilling with everyone at my aunt and uncle's place, "

I wish I was home to go chill with all of my friends, they all get to go off and party, while I'm stuck with my family. But, no matter, I'll do what I do.

I miss the city. People keep asking me when I'm going to be there next. I really don't know, the only definite is on January 17th for a show, and then on January 31 for another show. I'm thinking about getting together with people sooner, maybe like the 10th or the 24th, one or the other.

I don't know, I'm in the mood to get high and ride the train into the city. Listening to X-Ray Spex and ready to wander the East Village. Man, I'm ready to get back. It's been too long. I need that. I need to crash on someone's couch and wake up to a cup of coffee with half a bowl of sugar in it and some really salty eggs and toast. Playing sudoku and guitar and rambling about boring shit. Making promises that were never serious, even before I said them. Haha, it's the kind of weekends I love.

Well, I'm going to try and come up with some New Year's resolutions. = )

Have a splendid New Year's Eve guys!

Let's hope that 2009 is better than 2008! = )

Love,

Lucy

Oh Shit!

My stomach... feels like... SHIT. Okay, so my stomach does what it wants. This is bad because personally, I like crapping. Not like, I enjoy, but I prefer it over not crapping (sorry this is kind of inappropriate dinner-conversation, not that we're having dinner, but you know). The problem is that me and laxatives don't work. You see, I learned this in the hospital, now, obviously, it's worse when you load me up with opiates for multiple days and then it's like, "what the fuck were you thinking?" So, there I just stopped taking their shit for a day, and then it all worked, but my 3 days of laxatives made me sick for the next two days. Today, after taking the laxatives the night before last, I can still feel my stomach just like gurgling and rumbling and ready to explode... Probably my fault for getting high on Monday night, but I don't know if I am quite sold on that... Whatever the case maybe, my stomach is being a bitch.

I am supposed to be finishing all of my supplements for colleges this week because my UofC one is due on January 2nd, and then two are due on January 15th (I've already written one), and then the last one (which I have already written) is due on February 1st. That's the last 4 out of 12. Yeah, I went a bit crazy on the applying to colleges bit, but whatever, when I'm done and accepted to multiple schools (which is definitely the most likely thing), I'll be able to relax.

I'm psyched about getting back to New York. I saw my cousin ('s cousin, but they're just referred to as my cousins because I see them every year), and he and his boyfriend live in Queens together. I told them that we're definitely going to dinner in January some time. They're really cool and it's nice to be friends with people who are far over 21. Also, I have to hang out with Tanzen and this new kid who likes me Alec (even though I'm dating Zack, it doesn't mean I can't hang out with guys, I'm not going to do anything with Alec - I'm too jealous to do that kind of shit to someone else). Anyway, I was hoping to get nice and high and roll into New York and hang with Tanzen and go to a diner and some stores and then wander back to her house in a good mood. However, if we are in the companies of "adults," then I'm going to see about getting us some whiskey. I love it. I love whiskey. My brand is Jameson - NOT Jack Daniels (mostly because I can't drink Jack straight, while I can drink Jameson straight... Jack Daniels tastes like shit to me).

I can hear my families making food in the other room. I can feel my stomach cramping up. I don't want to move. I've been really thinking about time and shit. Where I was last year at this time. I had just gotten out of the hospital two months prior at the end of October, I had to lie out of my teeth to a therapist so that my enjoyment of needles didn't get outed to my parents (oh yeah, I'm a dumbass... I have like panic attacks and shit about that whole incident.... terrible bull shit), and I was still digging a needle through the fresh scar on my left arm... Now, I have a much older scar, an incident that still gives me panic attacks, and no track marks for a little under a year. I guess, I'm doing well. I don't know. I keep thinking about New Year's resolutions like: No more drugs. But I know how unrealistic that is. I'm going to play it by ear. I'm trying to convince my mother to let me go on a roadtrip across country this summer and see all the things that I've never seen (Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Pacific Ocean (I've only seen it in Australia and New Zealand), etc.). This would keep me away from drugs for a whole, well, however long it takes, a few weeks at least. And maybe it will give me some insight.

I don't know, breakfast is going to be ready, and I want to read other people's blogs, so I'm going to stop. Have a good sunday guys, don't get too cold... = )

Love,

Lucy

Dum Dum Boys

What I've realized is that I want to talk about something. That is my friends.

I've realized as I've watched other teenagers either slip into addiction or down the path to addiction that it is much easier to become addicted than to watch someone become addicted. Seeing my friends and hearing them talk I know what is occurring. Lauren is slowly becoming a stoner who cannot get a G to last her a week, if she has a 1.5 Gs she gets nervous. I sit here, the kid who would much rather you giver her a new needle than a new pair of shoes (though I really like the shoes my mom gave me, not gonna lie, they're fresh and they make her happy). Maya and her friends, including Laura, are/were running down the path towards serious addiction. The kind that can, and has, killed stronger people. I watch this and it sickens me. I do shit and I keep it hidden. It's my little secret that I reveal to the few who can keep it, who see me as a teenager with a problem, rather than a someone with a problem that is a teenager. My secrecy means that people don't worry about me, besides the ones who know, and that makes me feel better about it in some ways. I don't want to worry my friends.

I remember last year seeing Maya in the atrium. Me, with my track marks hidden under long sleeves, and her with her greasey head. I was walking in one direction and her the other. I saw her unkempt appearance as an outward sign of her inner demons. Popping tylenol 3s, (they call them "tripCs," even the slang makes me laugh), which I am pretty sure will only escalate. What makes me laugh the most was how she bragged about it. I was at this New Years party last year, lying on the floor, eyes closed, trying to make sure I did not nod out on their floor. She's trying to boast about her drugs, and I begin to laugh. I'm attempting to contain my giggling, because everyone is going to be like, "why the fuck is Lucy laughing at Maya and her drugs? they're so hardcore..." She was saying something about how she didn't eat because they suppressed her appetite. My only thought was, "No... just shut up. You sound like an idiot. Are you trying to make yourself sound like an addict? I'm pretty sure I can win that competition..."

Even if my feelings towards Maya are kind of, well, hostile, I still felt bad. I've known Maya since we were in 6th grade together. Here she is now, a fucking 12th grader, and we're discussing if she's still in rehab. (No one knew if she was still in it, we were discussing if she was getting help and shit... just the average lunchtime conversation, right?)

I don't like watching my friends in pain. I wish I could heal it. I wish I could make them see themselves like I see them, as strong young women, who have really grown up. We all have, and it's weird to see it now how different we all are. I can be an addict, I can think it in my head, I have trouble verbalizing it, but I can say it if I have to -- it doesn't bother me as much as seeing my friends really fucked up. Them looking really wasted can kill my buzz because then I just feel bad. I feel guilty, like I'm a part of their decline. I don't want to be that.

I am protective of my friends because they are my family. I would do anything for most of them. I would beat the shit out of anyone who fucked with them, I would back them up if a teacher hassled them, I would do whatever it takes -- my friends are my life. I don't want them to be in pain.

My head feels heavy and pressurized, I need to lay down because I have a bad headache. I guess it's from getting high, I used to get bad headaches a lot. I would use for a week daily and then stop on the weekends and I would get terrible headaches. Then sometimes they would occur while I was getting high.

I don't know, I need to lay down and let my head rest.

Sister Midnight

Instructions:

Step 1) Get yourself into that right kind of mood...
Step 2) Lay down somewhere comfortable, probably a bed.

Step 3) Listen to this song.

Step 4) Nod out. = )

Victory

From the mind of your favorite 17 year old who has a taste for the opiates and punk... who else would it be? ; )

So, yesterday was my Lauren's 18th birthday and we were all hanging out. Well, I'll start from the beginning. I got over there around 1 p.m. and we went out to get stoned and go sledding. We smoked in the woods as we walked over to this giant hill... It was the longest walk of my life. Seriously, it was crazy. And me being only the occasional weed smoker, and it being shitty New York Diesel crap, I was barely high unless I really relaxed my mind. Well, we sledded a few times, I had to watch Lauren and make sure she didn't die, her and her stoner self were out in la la land. The funny thing I can remember is we're walking down the path in the woods back to her house and I am talking and in my head I sound exactly like this drummer I know John, and my mannerism's are like his... so bizzarre. I was him for a good like what felt like an hour, so probably 5 minutes, haha.

So, finally, we get back and I'm in an okay state of affairs. Glad that I didn't pop any hydros before I came because I would have been far more inclined to lay around and just talk then fucking walking for hours. Helen shows up, she's always really entertaining, so I was glad when she came. We watched Happy Gilmore but the weed sent me to sleep, so I barely remember any part of that time. I really just slept. Nina got there and then we went outside and her and Lauren smoked while Helen and I hung out in front (I figured I was fine, and not in the mood to smoke with the stoners). I kinda yelled at Nina for being an asshole to me, she got all offended and shit. Anyway, they were sledding, and I was supervising, making sure the stoners didn't hit the house... I'm just so mature and responsible (compared to them at least).

Other Nina showed up, and we had to push her car to get it into a parking space because of all of the snow. Well, Nina wanted to smoke. So, Helen left, and then the rest of us all went to smoke. Suddenly I was VERY high. We smoked later and I was VERY VERY VERY high. Then we started to be fed beer by Lauren's older sister. Suddenly I'm tipsy and VERY VERY VERY high (on weed, which is weird for me, usually I'm just like high, or a bit high, but not like incapable of doing shit). I'm so high that when I close my eyes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and spinning and shit, yeah... seirously. Anyway, we go to bed, after many hours of retarded brain frying.

I wake up with the sun shining in on my face and I'm happy. I think Lauren woke up with a hangover, haha, she would be that much of a light weight. I felt so calm and happy to be alive. I was still feeling a tad bit of a residual high from all of the weed that had been pumped into my body. 

It's funny but I am really more of a "hard body" than most of my friends when it comes to shit. They used to joke about it a lot, it took me literally 4 months of smoking weed before I got REALLY high. I can drink more alcohol than my friends, which makes me a little happy... haha, it's the punk in me I swear. The reason that I've had drinks usually was because I was at shows, and all of the grey hairs I know drink SOOOOOOOOO much. It's ridiculous, and being their little teenage adopted child, I either get alcohol from them or watch them drink it. Either way, it really does play with my thought process. I find alcohol more appealing because of watching them, I really do want to be like them and I don't know why. Maybe because they're so cool, they know everyone and they just seem like the most awesome people ever. Is that dumb? I don't know, I don't know if it makes me lame or whatever. I do have to say one thing: it's nice to have people to look up to, to have heroes that you know, I'd never had that until I became part of the NYC Punk scene. I'm so proud too, NYHC! It's my family.

Well, I think I might be like kind of married to Zack, you should see us we're ridiculous. We're such old people. We like decorated the tree today at my house and then we went shopping for presents and wrapped them. Then we like set the table and helped prepare the dinner. We watched Trainspotting tonight and Flight of the Conchords. Oh man, watching them take shots and I just kept flashing back... ugh, I fucking hate having shit I can't IV. Seriously, I love just sticking a needle in my arm... oh man, I am getting excited thinking about it.

Hmmm... well, I'm tired and ready for bed, I'm going to list out what I got for early Xmas here:

- Flaming Lips CD - Zack

- 100 bucks - Grandma = )

- peacoat/jacket thingy - Mom

- dress - Mom

- sweatshirt - Mom

- shirt - Mom

- new pair of Vans - Mom

- Loafass CD - Mom

- Germs "(MIA)" - Mom (I had some of the songs, but not all of them... it makes me soooooo happy)

- belt - Mom

- The Who poster - Mom

It was so much fun, and I really had a great time with my fam and especially Zack. We're so ridiculous together. One annoying thing: he came, ate my food, got to see me model my clothes, and watch trainspotting, and I got no kiss... What the fuck? I'm going to have to smack the boy.

; )

Well, guys, I'll catch ya'll on the flipside!

- Lucy

Cleanliness is Godliness... and God is Empty....

(Now, the title is from a Smashing Pumpkins song. I don't really like them that much, I just know like three songs... but I felt like making that the title. Got a problem? ; )

Today is a snow day, which means I have time to blabber about my life and shit lately. My posts have been far and few between because of: A) applying to college, B) going to shows every weekend, and C) I haven't been high on ANYTHING for... well, since the wednesday before Thanksgiving, which is like 3 weeks. This kind of unintentional... kind of. In fucking February, I won't have shot up in a year... fuck, and I hate it. Because I love it. I do. Haha, I was thinking about that in the car yesterday (I love being a passenger in cars, I just sit and listen to calm music like Billy Joel (yes, I love it), and think about everything). It kind of upsets me in a way I can't put my finger in. I mean, sure I love the drugs, we all know that. I miss the action close to as much as when I don't have drugs... I kind of wanted to clean up my act for the New Year, no drugs, foreeeeeeeeeever. But I know that's not going to happen, haha, who am I really kidding here? Obviously not myself.

The other weekend, Tanzen and I were talking about shit, like we usually do. She told me that she lost her virginity like OVER the summer, and had not told me. Now, okay, so I don't want the details, that's not why I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I'm her friend who tells her anything and I feel bad when I don't tell her shit and she asks. Not that I asked about her losing her virginity, it's just like a lie by omission. She knows everything, and she kind of enjoys hearing about me and drugs and shit, as far as I can tell at least. So, we've made up this policy: full disclosure, for me she can ask me anything about drugs (she made me fucking list out the drugs I had done, haha, and in my mind I thought, "this isn't fucking humiliating," and then started to say shit) and I can ask her anything about her fucking guys.

My biggest problem with her fucking people is that: A) these guys are terrible, I know them, they're not attractive, nice, or even good people (that was my first problem with it), and B) I think she thinks it's a means to an ends of dating. I don't know, I love Tanzen, and I feel protective over her, even if I'm a dumbass and do a lot of retarded shit with my body. But, I don't believe I can die, because I'm a teenager, and I have no brain.

Speaking of me believing I can't die, a girl I know died this week. Really weird shit, because she was one I've talked about here before I think. 

Well, I give you her backstory: Last year, when she was a freshmen, she fell in with a few of my friends who were basically making themselves perfect candidates for future crackheads (I mean that literally), and so they all began to try any drug they could get their hands. This led to many of them getting sent to inpatient and outpatient rehab. She got sent into inpatient rehab for like multiple months, came home for two weeks, and then got sent right back. I remember, last year, we were all sitting at lunch and she would sit with us. She was talk about getting the results of a drug test back, and it came up positive for: opiates, cannabis, and PCP... and then she says to us, "But, guys, can someone tell me what PCP is?" I was about to start laughing, but I managed to keep my mouth shut and focus on my food. Apparently, she ODed on 'Trip C's'... Of all the drugs to die from, CODEINE. Now, having personally never tried codeine, but knowing that it's the low man on the totem pole, here are my two theories: A) the acetaminophen in tylenol3s, as in all products, can kill you if you take too much because your liver cannot process it fast enough, which means that she most likely really ODed on tylenol (haha, I know my shit man, I'm still a nerd at heart), or B) she somehow managed to get a LOT of codeine. But, the first part is obviously more likely, which is sad. I'm thinking about going to her wake, because in some ways, I did know her and she seemed like a nice person. If anything, she was just a bit clueless about life, which is sad. 

I've been pondering getting high today, here are my two concerns: 1... my friends wanted to go sledding really trashed, I think I'm being roped into smoking weed, and they want to drink too, so I have to choose. 2... I don't want to be nodding out on my Lauren's couch with her parents home, thinking, "what the fuck is wrong with Lucy?" Actually, it's Lauren's birthday today, she is turning the big ONE EIGHT, and so it would be kind of assholeish of me to get high before I go over... not that I haven't done it in the past, it just feels like a while.

Zack should be coming over and hanging out today, and I really can't wait. I really like him... it's kind of terrible. He likes me too, I know it, it's obvious. He has hair down to his waste, and I have like no hair, so it's a really funny pair that we make. We play guitar together, he even thinks my singing is good, haha, he obviously must like me because that's a hefty lie right there = ).

I'm leaving for TX on the 23, and I'm psyched for Xmas! It's going to be so much fun, I seriously cannot wait, but who can ever wait for Xmas? I can't wait to hang with my cousins, it's going to be great, they're my favorite people, EVER. Haha, family fun in TX, it's going to be great.

I'm doing well in school, I have an A+ in Statistics and LATIN. I've never gotten an A+ in Latin, so I kind of want to start praying to God or something, because he obviously had a hand in that. 

I've been going to shows for the past 5 weekends (besides one, which was my friend's birthday party in Brooklyn), which has meant me in NYC as well. I really am an NYC punk at heart, no question. I love my scene, it's the greatest place in the world. It's funny because I really do have so much NYHC pride, even though I'm from Jersey. You can all give me shit for that, but, taking Jordan's advice, I'd just tell you, "fuck off" and if you kept going well I'd probably say something like, "do you want to go?" And me being, so intimidating (lies...), you would be afraid and run in your little shiny boots. Haha, there is a girl and her crew that my friends and I have beef with. I HATE HER. She looks kind of like Chris Crocker, the one who was all LEAVE BRITENY ALONE! She's ugly as fuck and is such a little myspace whore. The funniest shit is she is bragging  about being friends with this guy Blackout Matt who is friends with everyone, and I was like, "haha, everyone is friends with him, you're not special." The funny thing is that all of these grey-hairs have adopted me as like their little teenage punk to look after. Seriously. They hang out with me at shows, some give me whiskey and beers, they give me their band's shit for free. Papa Jay is my adopted father, who gives me whiskey of course. I love him, he's so cool, and he supports all of my crazy creative shit I do. But, yeah, that girl can suck it. The only thing I worry about is that there's going to be a show on the 27th that I know her and her friends will be at. I won't be there because I'll be there, but my other friends will be. I don't want her messing with my friends, I get very mama tiger around my friends who are girls. Mostly because out of all of them I am the only one in the pit with the boys, the only one who could take a fight, who would take a fight. If she fucks with my friends, then it's on. No one can fuck with my friends and get away with it. Even if we fight and I get really fucked up, I'd rather that then her giving my friends shit.

BTW, I'm working on my chap book of poetry for the New Year, it should be fantastic (obviously). Haha, so, I'm sure that will be exciting. I'm trying to get more bands to let me read poetry at their shows, because it's so much fun. Yeah, I love it... I feel really cool when people call me "Lucy B." because that's like my name. Woah, I have a nickname in the NYC punk scene. Stop laughing, it's really cool to me! = ) Haha, I'm such a teenager.

Well, guys, merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Happy New Years! I'll be posting to y'all in the new year, if not sooner... with some resolutions, hopefully. = )

Check ya later!

Love from the East Coast! = )

- Lucinda!