Kicks

Fuckedy fuckedy fuck. Tomorrow is prom. No. I shit you not. Tomorrow is prom. I am having some issues dealing with the stress of getting all ready and shit for it. Also all of the money its costing me is driving me up a tree, its driving me bananas.

What's more concerning is that my entire class, including me and my friends, are going down the shore for the weekend. This is obviously gonna be a lot of fun, and I am excited to get retardedly drunk (but not puking) with my friends (who I will most likely have to clean up after, because they are self-proclaimed light-weights). Haha, its kind of adorable (until they puke). We're buying an 8th and I think bringing down 2 30-packs (but I think I'm gonna see about getting some Bud and some PBR, because apparently my friends don't like appealing beer). What I am concerned for is that someone is going to get arrested. And possibly me, or one of my close friends. This will mean a lot of annoying shit for some of us to deal with, and a lot of terrible repercussions. I can't get in trouble because I need a visa for studying in France next year. Anyway, I'm trying not to have a panic attack, which is making me pine for some medication, but there is none to be found, so I keep just sleeping it off. The only thing that I have been taking to help is Ambien CR because it takes my focus away from the panicky feeling and onto the thought of something for my brain to snack on until I fall asleep for a long while.

The only real news I have to report on the topic of drugs is:

A) I have done coke. I was so drunk and hopped up on Amp (I was trying to sober up using energy drinks), that I barely felt it. But I DID feel the hangover the next day, and it was terrible, especially because I couldn't sleep due to all the caffeine I had been chugging. I don't know if I'll ever do that again, probably if my friends are doing it next time and not creepy 26 year olds who want to get in my pants. (BTW, totally didn't work, still a virgin, haha).

B) I've realized the lay of the land when it comes to drugs in the scene:

• Crusties (homeless) - They're main real estate is H (and booze).
• Regular punks - Booze, weed, speed, and cocaine.
• Skinheads - Booze and cocaine.
• Crusties (not homeless) - Weed and booze.

At least, this is what I've gathered from what I've seen and experienced. It's mostly accurate for what's going down out here, but obviously, some people only do one thing, some people do several. I find it interesting to see whose doing what. Mostly I just know regular punks, and I see mostly crusties and punks at the shows I go to, depending on the band. Skinheads sometimes turn out to the shows I frequent, but usually if they are there only one or two unless its a hardcore band.

I don't know, I'm trying to calm down. I almost slapped my boss today. Did I tell you, I'm working at a title insurance company? It's terrible as fuck. I make 35 cents above minimum wage, my boss is such a money grubber. Anyway, I was Skyping a fellow employee, and I said "Yeah, that's what I meant, sorry." My boss saw this, and while she's on speaker phone with a client, runs over to my desk waves her hand in my face and tells me that, "NO Y-E-A-H, NO YEAH, WE ONLY USE BUSINESS LANGUAGE. BUSINESS LANGUAGE!" Now, if you want to shut me down, well that's a pretty great way. So before I could yell at her that I'm not a fucking dog and haven't been trained to respond to hand signals, I told her that I wasn't feeling well (she had mentioned something about how I had looked tired earlier), and preceded to leave. She can kiss my ass if she thinks she's gonna treat me like that. Fuck her. I'm not gonna take that.

Anyway, I've missed you guys since I've been off. When I'm depressed I have trouble going on the computer, also, without drugs the internet can make me feel panicky and I worry about what people will say and what I will have to deal with, etc. etc. (I know it's ridiculous, but that's just how my mind works).

I love you all!

- Lucy = )

HOLIDAY IN THE SUN

I'm sorry guys, I've been off away being my crazy young self. Not much news to report... Prom is in two days, so I'll actually have some time that day alone in the house to tell you all about the past like month and a half. I got a job, and its taking up all my time... I HATE WORKING. But I love you all!

Sorry, check ya later!

- Lucy!!

P.S. Haha, I had to listen to you Gleds! = )

I've been killing my brain cells!

I keep killing my brain cells. I won't have any by the end of senior year. I'm just bashing them into alcohol and weed and pills and whatever I can get my hands on. It's kind of entertaining. I like drinking and smoking and chilling out. I've been to a few parties recently... no shows, sadly... and a whole lot of couches. I'm out drinking the best of 'em and smoking with the platinum level stoners. It's come to the point now where my brain at the moment is just perpetually on the fritz, causing me some speech and spelling dumbness. I'm also way way sick.

Fuck, I have no idea what to talk about.

I went to the city and posted/handed out some fliers to some hot crusties (4 of 'em, who seemed quite into my birthday show). Oh, how I love them. I have to find a prom date now, not that they would be it, but I just thought of it. I have to get a dress, too, and shoes. Fuck, I have to do homework at somepoint this week. At least one thing is for sure, I'M GOING TO NYU. Yup, you're favorite little-junky-stoner-dumbass-punk kid. I'm such a weirdo, so its kind of the perfect place.

Fuck, I'm waking up early tomorrow, hopefully I'll find something for my brain to make this next  posting worth while.

Love you all!

Lucy

Its Been Awhile

So, I haven't written in a bit, I've been a bit depressed just a lot of shit going on, here's the list:

(BTW, I smoked some hash a little while ago at my friend's house, and its impeding my abilities, so I apologize in advance.)

I TURNED 18.

Zack and I broke up. He'd basically been treating me like shit for about 3 weeks, to the point where I cried on my birthday, the next day, and monday. Terrible Terrible shit. This goes into my next note:

So, I met the cutest guy at the mall yesterday afternoon. His name is Wade, he's a recovered junky, he's SUPER cute, he has a Crass tattoo (the first reason I talked to him) and lots of other homemade and professional tattoos, and I now know his life story. Anyway, I'm going to be back at the mall on friday to buy another book for English class, so I guess I'll possibly "bump" into him.

I got my ear pierced! It only has taken me 18 years to do it. = )

I've been writing limericks, which may be illustrated by a real graphic artist. = )

The musical is on the weekend and so I'm kind of stressing, although the director is always really cool with me and is always telling me how good I am. Haha, its one of the perks of being a bassist because everyone knows what you're playing (and if you're really fucking it up, which is the downside).

I got into Gettysburg College today, too, which is pretty sweet! And I got a merit scholarship, which is also sweet.

Tanzen may have found us a hook up for whatever we want in the city, still have to talk to some people though. I'm hoping that she does it on her own, sometimes she can be really shy and shit. But, I love the kid, and I'll see her tomorrow.

Check ya later alligator, I'm hitting the hay,

Lucy! (now legal)

<3

DINOSAUR RAP (this song is amazing!)

I totally forgot about this video, but it is amazing.

Lauren sent it to me last night, and it's just so fucking catchy I had to post it.

Oh man, it's amazing. I love it! Hope it gives you guys a good laugh.

Devil's Playground

I'm still sick. My mind is still awash with my own shortcomings, but it's not as bad as it was. I wish I had gone to school today. I'm also pissed at myself because I'm going to miss pit orchestra practice tonight (I'm shooting my conductor an e-mail as we speak). Anyway, I feel like doing updates an all of the different drug schemes that are floating around my friends and world:

JUNK

This girl who is considered a creep and a snitch went to rehab. She's friends with a few of my friends, and is totally in love with my friend Helen (who happens to be straight, haha). I'll call her "Hannah." Anyway, she went away, and was considered a terrible influence because she got someone else I know into E. I never got the appeal of E, but whatever, to each their own. Anyway, she was sent off to rehab in December or November, but the reason was never really open for discussion or known. The other day me and my other friend are talking, and he tells me that she was in rehab for junk. Now, this wasn't a surprise. I've known that there was H in my town since like 8th grade, but I didn't know anyone who was into it besides my good friend's older sister and aunt/uncle who are junkies. This explains a lot because "Hannah's" facebook always had weird shit on it like, her girlfriend saying, "you know sharing needles is uncool blah blah blah talk to me." I thought that was funny at the time, because really, you wouldn't delete that comment.

PILLS

I don't know if I talked about Nina's forays into opiates, but I will now. That child is ridiculous occasionally. She's sitting infront of me in class scratching. Constantly scratching. Finally, I ask her what she's on. She says vicodin. I'm like, dude, that's the reason you're itchy. Apparently this surprised her, haha. Anyway, I didn't think she liked opiates at all. But, she's trying to buy some percs from this girl in our grade. Lauren told me, and so I texted Nina to see if I could get in on it, and she told me to talk to the girl. Here's the thing, Nina is friends with everyone, and everyone likes her, most people know me, but not personally, and not everyone likes me. I don't know why I couldn't just giver her fucking money, and she could get me shit. Anyway, I dropped it after I asked her how much a pill and what the mgs were, and she obviously had no idea.

Silly kid, pills are for adults.

COKE

Nothing on this front to speak of. Still too afraid of M. Haha, I'm such a coward. After I get some money for my b-day, I'll see about speaking to her.

SALVIA

Worried about Tanzen having that in her possession.

1.) She can be impulsive.

2.) She has never taken any kind of psychedelics.

3.) I don't want her parents finding it, and her getting in trouble.

I love Tanzen, but that child better not get into trouble, haha. She needs people to watch her back.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I worked on my vest and put on some nice stencils and shit. I'm going to post pictures of the process... because who wouldn't want to see that? No one. That's who. = ) Also, I'm in a way better mood than yesterday. I'm going to work on Latin and English and shit, and just get done with my homework so I don't have to worry about it. My dad's being annoying, but whatever, he's leaving this afternoon, so I'll have the house to myself.

I'm just chilling out at the moment, watching TV. My stomach is hurting like a bitch, and my throat is really sore. It's not much of a party, but I'm trying to stay content. I've been drawing a lot, which is always good. Playing some guitar. Just trying to keep myself sane and happy.

= )

I hope you guys are having a great week!

Love,

- Lucy

BTW, the stencils on my jacket are: GB CREW (on the back, under the collar), Circle Jerks (I did the lettering, which I'm proud of), The Germs (it's a dog with it's tongue sticking out), Stiff Little Fingers (not really though, before the stencil said fuck you under it, but my mom got upset, so I took that part off of it), The Stooges, The Ramones (I did some nice cross stitches on that patch, its really cool looking in my opinion), then there is my Zero Boys pin and my Bomb the Mall patch (just a slogan). I'm pretty happy, I'll probably add more studs and shit, but otherwise, it's pretty much complete. = )

Glue Man

I have been going on an emo-teenage bender these past two weeks. I feel like crap about everything. I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate how I look, I can see nothing good in anything I do. And, being that this is the technology age, and this is my emo week, I wanna tell it to all of the people I look up to over the internet. Oh yeah, it's like a motherfucking emo-dial, ready to freak people out. Luckily, I'm fairly aware of how bad this will make me look, so I'm keeping it to my good friends and shit and not going on about it on myspace or facebook or anything else.

Not to mention I have strep throat, which is really only adding to my cheery demeanor.

Anyway, this weekend I went to Tanzen's 18th birthday party. We met up early to go to a book signing in the city, which we bailed on about 2 hours into and gave the books to her sister who works at the cafe attached to the bookstore to get the books signed. Walked over to the Strand and I bought another Irvine Welsh book, HARDCOVER, for 5 bucks. God, I love used book stores. Then we wandered down to the salvation army and I got a brand new flannel for 3 bucks. Jordan texted me and told me that ARCHY was down at ABC for the show. I had already told him I would go down and say hey and shit, so we walked down and I ruminated on the idea of a possible fight. Got down there and said hey to Jordan, who was steaming over her presence at the show and seemed to be going into a state of testosterone filled rage. I stood there and he paced a bit around saying hey to people, kind of acknowledging me kind of not, just kind of speaking and not really giving a fuck that I was there. I said hey to Emz too, who is a 14 year old I've befriended and given protection from the Crew. Good kid, smart, I just told her not to get into too much trouble. Anyway, after saying hey to people there, the management was yelling for people to go around the corner or go inside, we weren't paying, so we walked up to a Diner to grab some fries and sodas. My feet were killing me by now because of the fishnets I was wearing. We walked for another 45 minutes to Thompson street to go to Generation Records. A store in front of which I promptly put on pants to keep my legs warm. Yes, I almost striped on the street, but not really because I had on my dress still. Tanzen also took some hot photos of me in the process, haha. Went in there and I bought a new Zero Boys button, I just love them and they aren't appreciated enough and don't have merchandise in a lot of places. 

During this time I kept smoking, I have a bad habit of smoking a lot if I have a pack. I don't usually have smokes, but when I do I chain smoke them, haha. Finally, after lots of walking we went up town and did all the shit for the party. All of us kids hung out, I saw most people I knew, and if I didn't know them, I quickly did. Haha, I'm good at mingling. This guy was serving up tequilla from the bar, and he was being obnoxious as shit about it and making everyone, including myself, drink it straight. I don't like tequilla. I will only drink whiskey straight. So, I drank it, but I kind of just sipped it, I don't usually force alcohol down. I probably had 4 or 5 shots, and so I was feeling a bit inebriated by the time the party winded down. I was then forced to go to the Marriot, I good 6 or 7 blocks away and ride the glass elevator, which was cool, but a long fucking walk. When we arrived in Brooklyn I was tired, Molly was puking in the subway station, and Commie (yes, as in he is a Communist and people call him Commie) was getting a bit touchy-feely, so when we got back to Tanzen's house I headed upstairs and fixed the futon up and got into bed fast. There was a bit of discussion over whether or not the leaves that Irina gave her were Salvia, which they are. I told Tanzen not to do anything stupid. The next morning, Tanzen, me, and Marci went on the subway. On which I was informed that it was a surprise to Marci how intelligent I am. This made me laugh, and I told her that tequilla happens to lower my IQ. We hadn't talked at all at the party, and the most words I had said to her in the morning were probably me yelling at her and Tanzen to shut the fuck up or I was going to beat them up, because I was trying to sleep and I was a bit hungover (haha, I'm not a morning person).

What I guess could be the most important part of this was what we actually talked about the day before, and how it coincided with our train ride once it was just Tanzen and I. I started talking to Tanzen about the whole coke situation, blah blah, and how M makes me fucking nervous as shit, how I don't know how to contact her without her verbally abusing me over the phone (haha, sad but true, this girl scares the shit out of me). Tanzen said something that legit scared the shit out of me, and is making me feel a bit guilty and glad that I haven't given her any drugs or anything besides weed (and hydros, but only once, because lets face it, I'm selfish and I feel guilty when I fuck her up. Ironically, my own selfish intentions, are helping her). She said this to me, "Weed is known as a 'gateway drug,' and I've been standing in the door way for far too long." My immediate reaction mentally was, "WOAH! I didn't realize that she really felt like this. Is this my fault? Have my own stupid stories and drug problems and shit causing my friend to think that harder drugs are the answer to her problems? Fuck..." It actually soured me to the thought of drugs for the entire day. I just thought about how much I love Tanzen, she's my best friend, and how I don't want to be the reason for her ever having a drug problem. At the same time, I crave a partner in crime, but it's not bad enough for me to want to risk her in the process. I mean, I'm a dumbass, I make bad choices constantly. I keep fucking up sobriety, as I did today, as I did two weeks ago. I keep ending up depressed and feeling like shit and not letting myself long enough time to normalize, before I just fuck my brain up again. I don't want this for her, and I don't want her to be in any way drug-dependent. I have been known to be easily able to influence people into doing dumb shit, I've always been a good talker, and I can talk up my own shit. Is my mouth gonna fuck up my friends. I don't know.

I worry about this shit. I worry about her. I worry that I got high yesterday (it was today, but I guess now it's Tuesday morning) and it barely changed my feeling towards the world. I am actually pretty sick, which sucks. I am going to be 18 in 5 days. Holy fuck. For 5 more days I am still just a minor threat.

I'm trying to stay positive and not do anything dumb.

Love you guys and hope you guys are having better days than me!

- Lucy