Its Been Awhile

So, I haven't written in a bit, I've been a bit depressed just a lot of shit going on, here's the list:

(BTW, I smoked some hash a little while ago at my friend's house, and its impeding my abilities, so I apologize in advance.)

I TURNED 18.

Zack and I broke up. He'd basically been treating me like shit for about 3 weeks, to the point where I cried on my birthday, the next day, and monday. Terrible Terrible shit. This goes into my next note:

So, I met the cutest guy at the mall yesterday afternoon. His name is Wade, he's a recovered junky, he's SUPER cute, he has a Crass tattoo (the first reason I talked to him) and lots of other homemade and professional tattoos, and I now know his life story. Anyway, I'm going to be back at the mall on friday to buy another book for English class, so I guess I'll possibly "bump" into him.

I got my ear pierced! It only has taken me 18 years to do it. = )

I've been writing limericks, which may be illustrated by a real graphic artist. = )

The musical is on the weekend and so I'm kind of stressing, although the director is always really cool with me and is always telling me how good I am. Haha, its one of the perks of being a bassist because everyone knows what you're playing (and if you're really fucking it up, which is the downside).

I got into Gettysburg College today, too, which is pretty sweet! And I got a merit scholarship, which is also sweet.

Tanzen may have found us a hook up for whatever we want in the city, still have to talk to some people though. I'm hoping that she does it on her own, sometimes she can be really shy and shit. But, I love the kid, and I'll see her tomorrow.

Check ya later alligator, I'm hitting the hay,

Lucy! (now legal)

<3

DINOSAUR RAP (this song is amazing!)

I totally forgot about this video, but it is amazing.

Lauren sent it to me last night, and it's just so fucking catchy I had to post it.

Oh man, it's amazing. I love it! Hope it gives you guys a good laugh.

Devil's Playground

I'm still sick. My mind is still awash with my own shortcomings, but it's not as bad as it was. I wish I had gone to school today. I'm also pissed at myself because I'm going to miss pit orchestra practice tonight (I'm shooting my conductor an e-mail as we speak). Anyway, I feel like doing updates an all of the different drug schemes that are floating around my friends and world:

JUNK

This girl who is considered a creep and a snitch went to rehab. She's friends with a few of my friends, and is totally in love with my friend Helen (who happens to be straight, haha). I'll call her "Hannah." Anyway, she went away, and was considered a terrible influence because she got someone else I know into E. I never got the appeal of E, but whatever, to each their own. Anyway, she was sent off to rehab in December or November, but the reason was never really open for discussion or known. The other day me and my other friend are talking, and he tells me that she was in rehab for junk. Now, this wasn't a surprise. I've known that there was H in my town since like 8th grade, but I didn't know anyone who was into it besides my good friend's older sister and aunt/uncle who are junkies. This explains a lot because "Hannah's" facebook always had weird shit on it like, her girlfriend saying, "you know sharing needles is uncool blah blah blah talk to me." I thought that was funny at the time, because really, you wouldn't delete that comment.

PILLS

I don't know if I talked about Nina's forays into opiates, but I will now. That child is ridiculous occasionally. She's sitting infront of me in class scratching. Constantly scratching. Finally, I ask her what she's on. She says vicodin. I'm like, dude, that's the reason you're itchy. Apparently this surprised her, haha. Anyway, I didn't think she liked opiates at all. But, she's trying to buy some percs from this girl in our grade. Lauren told me, and so I texted Nina to see if I could get in on it, and she told me to talk to the girl. Here's the thing, Nina is friends with everyone, and everyone likes her, most people know me, but not personally, and not everyone likes me. I don't know why I couldn't just giver her fucking money, and she could get me shit. Anyway, I dropped it after I asked her how much a pill and what the mgs were, and she obviously had no idea.

Silly kid, pills are for adults.

COKE

Nothing on this front to speak of. Still too afraid of M. Haha, I'm such a coward. After I get some money for my b-day, I'll see about speaking to her.

SALVIA

Worried about Tanzen having that in her possession.

1.) She can be impulsive.

2.) She has never taken any kind of psychedelics.

3.) I don't want her parents finding it, and her getting in trouble.

I love Tanzen, but that child better not get into trouble, haha. She needs people to watch her back.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I worked on my vest and put on some nice stencils and shit. I'm going to post pictures of the process... because who wouldn't want to see that? No one. That's who. = ) Also, I'm in a way better mood than yesterday. I'm going to work on Latin and English and shit, and just get done with my homework so I don't have to worry about it. My dad's being annoying, but whatever, he's leaving this afternoon, so I'll have the house to myself.

I'm just chilling out at the moment, watching TV. My stomach is hurting like a bitch, and my throat is really sore. It's not much of a party, but I'm trying to stay content. I've been drawing a lot, which is always good. Playing some guitar. Just trying to keep myself sane and happy.

= )

I hope you guys are having a great week!

Love,

- Lucy

BTW, the stencils on my jacket are: GB CREW (on the back, under the collar), Circle Jerks (I did the lettering, which I'm proud of), The Germs (it's a dog with it's tongue sticking out), Stiff Little Fingers (not really though, before the stencil said fuck you under it, but my mom got upset, so I took that part off of it), The Stooges, The Ramones (I did some nice cross stitches on that patch, its really cool looking in my opinion), then there is my Zero Boys pin and my Bomb the Mall patch (just a slogan). I'm pretty happy, I'll probably add more studs and shit, but otherwise, it's pretty much complete. = )

Glue Man

I have been going on an emo-teenage bender these past two weeks. I feel like crap about everything. I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate how I look, I can see nothing good in anything I do. And, being that this is the technology age, and this is my emo week, I wanna tell it to all of the people I look up to over the internet. Oh yeah, it's like a motherfucking emo-dial, ready to freak people out. Luckily, I'm fairly aware of how bad this will make me look, so I'm keeping it to my good friends and shit and not going on about it on myspace or facebook or anything else.

Not to mention I have strep throat, which is really only adding to my cheery demeanor.

Anyway, this weekend I went to Tanzen's 18th birthday party. We met up early to go to a book signing in the city, which we bailed on about 2 hours into and gave the books to her sister who works at the cafe attached to the bookstore to get the books signed. Walked over to the Strand and I bought another Irvine Welsh book, HARDCOVER, for 5 bucks. God, I love used book stores. Then we wandered down to the salvation army and I got a brand new flannel for 3 bucks. Jordan texted me and told me that ARCHY was down at ABC for the show. I had already told him I would go down and say hey and shit, so we walked down and I ruminated on the idea of a possible fight. Got down there and said hey to Jordan, who was steaming over her presence at the show and seemed to be going into a state of testosterone filled rage. I stood there and he paced a bit around saying hey to people, kind of acknowledging me kind of not, just kind of speaking and not really giving a fuck that I was there. I said hey to Emz too, who is a 14 year old I've befriended and given protection from the Crew. Good kid, smart, I just told her not to get into too much trouble. Anyway, after saying hey to people there, the management was yelling for people to go around the corner or go inside, we weren't paying, so we walked up to a Diner to grab some fries and sodas. My feet were killing me by now because of the fishnets I was wearing. We walked for another 45 minutes to Thompson street to go to Generation Records. A store in front of which I promptly put on pants to keep my legs warm. Yes, I almost striped on the street, but not really because I had on my dress still. Tanzen also took some hot photos of me in the process, haha. Went in there and I bought a new Zero Boys button, I just love them and they aren't appreciated enough and don't have merchandise in a lot of places. 

During this time I kept smoking, I have a bad habit of smoking a lot if I have a pack. I don't usually have smokes, but when I do I chain smoke them, haha. Finally, after lots of walking we went up town and did all the shit for the party. All of us kids hung out, I saw most people I knew, and if I didn't know them, I quickly did. Haha, I'm good at mingling. This guy was serving up tequilla from the bar, and he was being obnoxious as shit about it and making everyone, including myself, drink it straight. I don't like tequilla. I will only drink whiskey straight. So, I drank it, but I kind of just sipped it, I don't usually force alcohol down. I probably had 4 or 5 shots, and so I was feeling a bit inebriated by the time the party winded down. I was then forced to go to the Marriot, I good 6 or 7 blocks away and ride the glass elevator, which was cool, but a long fucking walk. When we arrived in Brooklyn I was tired, Molly was puking in the subway station, and Commie (yes, as in he is a Communist and people call him Commie) was getting a bit touchy-feely, so when we got back to Tanzen's house I headed upstairs and fixed the futon up and got into bed fast. There was a bit of discussion over whether or not the leaves that Irina gave her were Salvia, which they are. I told Tanzen not to do anything stupid. The next morning, Tanzen, me, and Marci went on the subway. On which I was informed that it was a surprise to Marci how intelligent I am. This made me laugh, and I told her that tequilla happens to lower my IQ. We hadn't talked at all at the party, and the most words I had said to her in the morning were probably me yelling at her and Tanzen to shut the fuck up or I was going to beat them up, because I was trying to sleep and I was a bit hungover (haha, I'm not a morning person).

What I guess could be the most important part of this was what we actually talked about the day before, and how it coincided with our train ride once it was just Tanzen and I. I started talking to Tanzen about the whole coke situation, blah blah, and how M makes me fucking nervous as shit, how I don't know how to contact her without her verbally abusing me over the phone (haha, sad but true, this girl scares the shit out of me). Tanzen said something that legit scared the shit out of me, and is making me feel a bit guilty and glad that I haven't given her any drugs or anything besides weed (and hydros, but only once, because lets face it, I'm selfish and I feel guilty when I fuck her up. Ironically, my own selfish intentions, are helping her). She said this to me, "Weed is known as a 'gateway drug,' and I've been standing in the door way for far too long." My immediate reaction mentally was, "WOAH! I didn't realize that she really felt like this. Is this my fault? Have my own stupid stories and drug problems and shit causing my friend to think that harder drugs are the answer to her problems? Fuck..." It actually soured me to the thought of drugs for the entire day. I just thought about how much I love Tanzen, she's my best friend, and how I don't want to be the reason for her ever having a drug problem. At the same time, I crave a partner in crime, but it's not bad enough for me to want to risk her in the process. I mean, I'm a dumbass, I make bad choices constantly. I keep fucking up sobriety, as I did today, as I did two weeks ago. I keep ending up depressed and feeling like shit and not letting myself long enough time to normalize, before I just fuck my brain up again. I don't want this for her, and I don't want her to be in any way drug-dependent. I have been known to be easily able to influence people into doing dumb shit, I've always been a good talker, and I can talk up my own shit. Is my mouth gonna fuck up my friends. I don't know.

I worry about this shit. I worry about her. I worry that I got high yesterday (it was today, but I guess now it's Tuesday morning) and it barely changed my feeling towards the world. I am actually pretty sick, which sucks. I am going to be 18 in 5 days. Holy fuck. For 5 more days I am still just a minor threat.

I'm trying to stay positive and not do anything dumb.

Love you guys and hope you guys are having better days than me!

- Lucy

Cocaine

We sat in Lauren's living room. Nina was kneeling on the floor, rolling a joint on the coffee table as we talked. Apparently, earlier in the day she had gone over and seen Maya. Maya had been sitting in her house, cigarette hanging from her lips, and Monster can filled with vodka in hand, when Nina had entered. Her and Nina shot the shit for a while, Maya had been in rehab going to school and shit for a while, but only had to go in after 12:30. She was still going to be graduating with us, which pissed us all off because we were doing way more work. Maya had also been hospitalized recently for depression, but that's all that was said about it. She had been caught last year for possession of large amounts of pot, which had ended up causing her mother 17,000$ in legal fees. Maya has to pay back her mother, but "nowhere is hiring." Mhm. Sure. So, she has to move some wares to earn a few bucks. However, her wares are finally interesting. She has vicodin and coke. Well, ironically, I don't have much of a desire to pay for vicodin, but for coke... well, sign me up! Anyway, I gotta contact her, which is gonna be easier said than done. Although we were friends, you can't call her because of police shit, and if I ask my friends to talk to her, well, I'll get shit for wanting to buy coke. Nina apparently doesn't like vicodin because it makes her itch (I think the girl is obviously fucked up if she doesn't like opiates, and your biggest complaint is itching, frankly, itching is not one of my concerns, and I don't think it should really be that bad for how much she was taking... but, that's neither here nor there), so I can't use that as a ploy. I'm gonna see if I can send her a message and see how she is. I figure that a customer is a costumer, and she will probably still be cool with me buying from her. She has always made me uncomfortable, so I don't really wanna do it, but I do want coke, so well, it'll be worth it. Tanzen has signed on to try some if I get it. She was, 'worried about the whole snorting thing.' I told her not to worry, haha, that it isn't a big deal. I can't help but be excited thinking about the prospect. I gotta send her a message and shit still... hopefully I'll get the balls to do it, since she makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE. You really don't understand, I am legit afraid to contact the girl.

After I went off into a dream world surrounding coke, Nina, Lauren, and I smoked the joint. I was somewhat high, and decided to go off to school after about 45 minutes. I got in when everyone was in lunch, and then went through all my classes. The classes are shorter this week due to testing, so it didn't take too long. I'm pissed off at Zack for being so flippant about everything. I don't know why I only choose guys who are like that, but whatever, I'm trying to get over it.

Well, I'm trying to focus on the positive in light of the negative.

Check ya later!

- Lucy

= )

Going Away to College

I GOT INTO NYU!!
WOO HOO!
I AM A WINNER AT LIFE!
I got into a special program that can't be applied for, but only a certain portion of the applicants are selected for it. It's so awesome!
This is my top pick besides UofC.
I've also selected the campus in Paris, so FRANCE HERE I COME!

Love you guys!
Today is spectacular!
- Lucy
= )

Sassafras Roots

I sat there on my bed, trying to figure out why no amount of intelligence could compensate for my complete and total ineptitude. Zack was sitting there telling me it was alright, and I knew he felt bad for me. I felt even worse for him, here he is, dating me; No amount of bravado and devil-may-care attitude could make up for my complete stupidity. At least, thats how I felt. I don't know why, but for me, there is this level of having to compensate for all insecurity with either a trump card on whatever subject or bravado. If its drugs, well, compared to all teens I know I can always win, but I don't usually pull it out; regaling others with stories of needles in arms and blood on the ceilings usually ends with the inevitable shunning. If its punk, well, I'm the young punk-poet of the scene, whose already been thanked in one album, has been told that she will have to play bass for a certain band at 21, and is always being handed beer by the bands headlining. If its school, I'm in all AP classes and headed off to stellar schools. But, sexually, well, fuck it, I have no experience. I can't even pretend at it, and I don't try to because it will end in me looking like a fool. Also, I usually play up my inexperience to be a good quality, giving my non-virgin friends shit.

In some ways, it's just me covering up for all of the areas that I lack in. Its weird, people consider me a role model, WHAT THE FUCK? I'm just good at covering up my flaws, I can make people laugh and I got enough charisma to bullshit my way out of most situations, but there are certain things that those things can't make up for.

I'm a nervous fucking person as well. Basically, what happened on Friday was my fault because I put pressure on myself to have sex, when I shouldn't have been doing that. I know it. I knew it. I'm just too much  of a coward to admit it to myself. I just hate how people fucking hold it over my head, it makes me want to bang there heads into the pavement (haha, a lot of the shit people do makes me have that reaction). I guess, in some ways, I don't want to be an 18 year old virgin, there is a stigma that I have placed on that, which is dumb. It's like living in your home town when you're middle aged to me is also failure. I do dumb shit like this in my head all the time.

Also, I guess, Zack's not a virgin, and I wonder what his last girlfriend was like. That bothers me. Like, what if he's always comparing me to her? Does he like me more? Etc. Etc. I'm making myself worry over shit that doesn't matter. And I know he really does care about me, everyone says it, everyone sees it, even I see it, I just can't be content being happy. Mostly I'm afraid I'm going to fuck this up, I mean, I've been able to get out of a lot of shit, but I worry about this.

And Zack doesn't seem to really care. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. But I just wonder shit, if he likes me as much as I like him, I used to think it was the other way around, but now I'm concerned. I miss him. I almost started to cry today because I just wanted him there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I worry I freak him out.

I'm worrying myself crazy over shit that he and I will both laugh about later.

Being a teenager, everything is filled with bits of tension and anguish at all of the things you don't know how to handle. Going to shows for me still ties my stomach in knots, I feel like I never know what's waiting for me up the stairs or down them, or just through the fucking door. You're constantly forced to prove yourself to your peers and adults and yourself, even. I don't feel confident half of the time with the shit I'm doing. And sexually, well, fuck it. I have no idea what to do. I mean, sure mechanically, I understand. But I have no idea in reality what I shoult be doing. Or what other people or doing or shit like that. I lose my cool. I become the loser that I am when shit like this goes down.

What is most upsetting to me are animals and the sluts at my school can do this, and I can't. And my IQ is way higher. Fuck. It's not fair. Why am I so fucking awkward? Why can't I be normal for 20 fucking minutes? Fuck it. I like myself, and I hate myself. I'm going to try not to delete this post.

After pit practice that night, Roma took me out for ice cream and we talked about it and she just consoled me and made me laugh. Then I went over to Lauren's and she did the same. Jordan kind of disturbed me, but he was just trying to help. Nina R also tried to consoled me, but talked down to me, and she doesn't really understand because she's always been more experienced than me since we were in middle school. I've known her for so long, and we've always been there for each other, especially on relationship issues, but she's always been leaps and bounds ahead of me. And the other Nina and I talked about not having sex with our more experience boyfriends, and laughed about it and shit. My friends really did help me not feel like a complete ass. Santina told me that I had the plot for a "coming of age" story, and if she only knew the half of it, haha. My laugh is a fucking made for TV movie.

Yesterday I had to get out of town, so my cuz came and picked me up and I stayed at his house in South Jersey. Basically, it's this big group of Texans who have all moved there from this company they used to work at in Austin, to one in NJ. They're all really cool and most know me fairly well. My favorite is this guy Matt, who was finally back after moving back to TX in April. I missed him. He was one of my favorites, we'd watch TV until 3 a.m.  and just shoot the shit. We did the same thing yesterday, until he had to leave around 12:45 while we were watching SNL. He also gave me some chocolate Sam Adams. I don't really like dark beers, but it was alright. There was a little bit of an after taste of tootsie roll, which was alright, haha. Then I had a Miller Light, which was alright. Not my favorite. I feel like beer cans have more drink in them than sodas, because I can finish a soda so easily, but when I drink a beer it just takes forever. We all watched Half Baked and chilled out. I got a little tipsy, the alcohol just made me a bit dumber and made it easier for me to laugh at all the ridiculous parts of that movie. I love Jim Breur... he's cute. I stayed the night and slept on the sofa next to a few cans of Miller. It was like some had lit a weird beer-candle, and if I lifted my head I just got a big whif of it.

Well, none of this is really important, I'm psyched about tomorrow cause we have no school due to snow. My friends are all excited about smoking a lot of weed and going sledding. I'm hoping to smoke myself stupid, to the point where it's a problem to coordinate your feet to walk and shit. That's the only kind of high I like. One of the reasons I used to not like weed was because it just didn't ever hit me hard enough. I need that deep fucking punch to the face. I know that I shouldn't be drinking and smoking away my problems. It's only partially that though, so I'm not going to worry that much. Anyway... nothing will ever be easy for me, haha, but one day it'll be better. I'm going to try and get over myself.

I love you guys!

I'm going to go sledding with Lauren, the Ninas, Sam, and Zack. I'm going to bake him some cookies, and be the cute, dutiful girlfriend that I am. Haha, or at least my attempt at it.

- Lucy = )

BTW, Melody, thanks for the comment before. It made me feel a bit better.