Junk Food Junkie Part Deux

This picture had to be put here because it's the greatest photo ever taken of me. It was in Lauren's kitchen, two fridays ago. We had just smoked and we came inside to get something to eat and we found all of this food. If I remember correctly: Lucky Charms, Oreos (2 packages), Chips Ahoy, Cosmic Brownies, Honey Buns, Coffee Cakes, Gold Fish, and Ice Cream. It was as if God had come into the house himself and left us this bounty of food. So, yeah, I couldn't keep a straight face as I praised him with all my might!

All This and More

Sam just called me to ask about a graph, wanting to know about how far apart the dates have to be put. Any other saturday and I would have been groggy, wondering why on God's green fucking earth are people calling me before 12. But, this morning I woke up around 10:30, mostly because my back feels like someone has been squeezing it in a vice and I wanted to read "Naked Lunch." When I bought Naked Lunch I had some deluded thought that it wasn't really focusing on dope, but it's just as H filled as Junky. I think I like it more than Junky, it's just more interesting. I should be doing stuff, I should be up and showering, or doing homework, or texting Anthony. ANTHONY!!! Just the boy's name makes me smile. Ugh, I wish he was here. 

We got to hang out all friday because his radio show was from 5 to 10. The Coffeehouse at our school was also that night (people can come in and play a song, or read poetry, etc..), which I was playing with my friend Nina (not the one I have a pictured, this is a totally different Nina). Well, our friend Felipe was really awesome and covered for Anthony while he came out and watched me play. He actually wanted to come see me play, I was really suprised when he said that. I assumed he was just doing it because I wanted him to. And afterwards when we were back in the both he told me I did really well and he let me wear his drug rug.... Now I'm all giddy and smiling. 

I've been utterly sober since Tuesday, no weed, no hydros, nothing. I don't know how I feel about it, I'll see how long I can keep this up. Ironically, I think that Lauren is going to be buying weed off me very very soon. Last night we were all hanging out and she asked me if I had any, and (as it so happens once in a blue moon) I do. She wanted it right then, but it was back at my house, I told her she could just come over today and get it, but apparently that's not here modus operandi (or an option she even wants to go down). She, like me, has a similar problem, all of our friends have the #s and now the dealers. Maya calls Lauren. Maya is your friendly neighborhood lesbian and once-upon-a-time high school drug dealer. She now has no car and no dealers to buy from (word is that she owes this guy mucho dinero), so she has to come to Lauren or Nina to help her. Honestly, I avoid Maya at all costs, she's the biggest creeper I know. The only thing Maya is good for is entertainment purposes (usually what she says is really entertaining after the fact). I should feel some kind of guilt, but none of us do. Our collective mental thought is: If you do something dumb or drug-related, you shouldn't be telling everyone because no one will take your seriously. Whenever I did call her, besides having a mini panic attack because of how uncomfortable she makes, it always A) short as I could make it, and B) spent listening to make sure she wasn't high so that she would remember it... Well, back to the story, Maya wants a dime or some #s, and Lauren's like, "Sorry, but you should call Nina."

Lauren and Nina have had a friend (more like lover's) quarrel, which is annoying because I have to hear both of them complain about the other. Sam and I are just sitting there trying to ignore her complaining, which we've been attempting to do all night (not very well, though). When, after all of us going to her house (we all drove our own cars, it was so ridiculous, Lauren totally wanted to race us, I kept up most of the time, but Sam lagged behind), we actually  addressed what she was saying. Fuck, I feel bad for both parties, Sam and I tried to calm Lauren down, but there really is no way to do that. My thought it that Nina is pissed because she is frustrated about not being able to make Lauren better, even though she knows she can't she wants to. Well, not much I can do about it.

Nina is getting shrooms (did I already talk about this, I feel like I have). Well, anyway, she's getting it from this kid Rusty, whose now in college. He was actually in my Latin class last year, funny kid, probably a genius, and now possibly an alcoholic (that's the word that's going around). She texted him during stat to see what was going on. No, word yet if this is actually going to happen, but whatever, what happens happens.

I have a lot of homework, which I should probably be doing. But, I'll get around to it eventually... maybe tomorrow at lunch. Did I tell you that I need a fucking hair cut??? The hair on the sides of my head is ranging from 1.5 to 2 inches, which is waaaaaaay too long. It's driving me nuts, I'm going to get a friend of mine to buzz if off sometime soon (like within the week). Yeah, so that's all folks!! = )

Check ya later!

Scartissue

I'm always eluding to the big surgical scar on my arm from having that abscess removed, so I was taking pictures so I took a pic of my arm (the flash kept turning my arm this glowing white, haha, I'm soooo white, it's almost not funny). Obviously, all of you wish that you could have one too, something so fashionable and... pink! Haha it still hurts like a motherfucker, I think they fucked with the nerves in there or something. So, yeah, now that I've blogged 4 times today (I'm a bit bored, if you haven't noticed). I really am going to bed. = )

Lust for Life

I was just thinking about something:

I was watching Trainspotting the other night for probably the hundreth time (I can repeat all the lines... haha, I'm a nerd, okay?) and I thought about when he's walking into the bathroom. Everyone is apparently staring at him. I feel like this is such a real portrayl, whenever high I feel like everyone I pass knows it and is staring at me and thinking, "You junky. You're high! I can tell!" It happened at the festival on sunday, I was walking towards the main area and everyone I passed was just completely staring at me, in the city too, almost anywhere it seems like. Now, I know it's nuts, I know that that's not really the case. But, I was just kind impressed with how true to life that is...

= )

Clash City Rockers

We walked through the village, it looked somewhat like the park on East 15th St and 3rd Ave. My parents and I... going to cop dope? In front of a building there was the smell of lighter fluid and metal burning, so we walked in to this apartment. I only had enough money for one bag, but my parents bought 3 (why they were there I don't really know). The room was dark and caste in a green light, small, dark, and green. I didn't have any works, so the girl who was there took this needle she had and gave it to me. It was filled with what looked like fat I've seen on plastic surgery shows, after they've sucked it out of some rich person's stomach. I got into the bathroom - it was fluorescent lit like at McDonald's - and flushed the think pink-white paste out of the needle. I looked down at my left arm - it had not scar in my dream - and it was so milky white. I did what I used to always do - I checked to make sure I could hit a vein before cooking up. (My veins are either A) tiny, B) hidden, C) covered in scar tissue from surgery, or D) rolling - my veins suck so much) I hit it right on the first try, without even pulling back I saw blood flow into the tip and fill it dark red. (I used to try and hit it first so that I wouldn't have cooked up and be unable to use the solution, which had on more than one occasion made me cry - fuck, haha, ridiculous but true)

Then I woke up.

I hate dreams like that, so real that you can taste the food and feel the drugs. That happiness you feel as you receive the drugs, a pleasure that you wake wanting more of. Most of my drug dreams revolve around me receiving drugs from other people - some of the time as gifts, once they were falling from the sky (I kid you not). Today during lunch Nina took me out to her car, she was giving me the weed. She didn't have a bag for me, so she rolled up the nugget in a piece of paper, which I then shoved into this plastic shopping bag in my car. The entire bag smelled of weed when I got back to my car 3 hours later. The stuff is so good, it's kind of ridiculous. It looked kind of small, she told me that it looked small but that it was just packed tightly. I don't think Nina would rip me off, though, I trust my friend's loyalty in matters like this just as much as my own... which is occasionally not very much. But, that whole thing has little do with friendship and more to do with drugs and economics. If your friend rips you off you can't take it so personally, I mean, it's fucked up, but not surprising. Your friend and your drug dealer are two different people, so you can't expect the business woman and the friend to act the same way. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Today was okay, I took a quiz in English that I didn't even know we had, I think I at least got a B. I'm more worried about my stat test, though I'm sure that I at least got a B. Nothing much happened today. I talked to Ashley, she says that I can't come over until her mother approves the list. That will be interesting, I really am interested in seeing this group home - I can't help being curious. I had a guitar lesson, which was okay, not amazing, but not horrible. I have dinner tonight for Rosh Hashanah with my parents and my grandmother (happy new year, everyone!) That will be good - well at least good food.

I got out of the car from guitar and I vomitied in my mouth, it was weird because I so wasn't expecting it and my next thought was, "just don't completely vomit." I wonder what it's all about, but I'm sure it's nothing serious.

Anyway, I'm going to lie down. Happy New Year! = )

Acid Rain

It's a torrential downpour outside, I can hear it from my bed. I'm being very lazy this morning, I've been up for about 2 hours and done nothing but eaten a little and sat up in bed and read. My life is just so exciting obviously. I don't know if I'm going to go the festival today, I may just lay around all day, work on the essay due for tomorrow, read, do some more homework, and maybe play cards with some of my neighbors. Doesn't that sound kinda lovely? Well, to me it does. I have tuesday off, which is another lovely fact. Tomorrow night I have to go to my grandmother's house for Rosh Hashanah, that's always fun, if there isn't any fighting. There has always been fighting at family dinners like that, I remember one year my grandfather told my father that he was not a good father. My dad got so angry that we all had to leave. I don't know why my grandfather thought that, though I probably agree with him. Not that my grandfather was really good, but that's a long story.

I just had to run to the bathroom, my stomach is... cleansing itself. I have been "stopped up" for a few days and I took a laxative. Which is a fucking horrible idea, but at least my stomach doesn't hurt too bad... The thing is that laxatives never work properly on me, it will take way longer than it's supposed to take effect and when it does I can be sick up for close to 3 days. I don't know why I decided that it was brilliant, but I did take one last night. Holy fuck, that was a bad idea, haha. Well, whatever, I'll just deal with it, it was dumb, but once it's over I'll probably feel better.

I'm thinking about buying some weed from Nina, I'm thinking like $10 or $20. I should text her about that, see if she has enough. I have a feeling it will be fine, but I have to talk to her about it today, otherwise I won't get it until Wednesday, and I definitely want it for Tuesday. Without any school I need something for my brain to do. She should have the same stuff as Lauren, so it'll be a good deal.

Yesterday was so nice, though I felt a little out of it until I went to sleep. Usually I feel like it wears off after a while and then I go back to normal, but yesterday it just kept hitting me in waves. I tried to sleep on the sofa but I kept getting ousted by people, which was annoying. I kept having to remind myself that I was doing shit, and opening my eyes. It's that point in time when my eyelids feel as if someone has put glue on the bottom of them, and every time they close I have to struggle to open them again. I'm trying to untangle the events of yesterday, but I really can't, my mind feels so confused. My parents were gone, I was in the sofa and I was watching TV, I kept nodding out and then realizing what I was doing and opening my eyes. They came home and I sat with them for a while, and then Sam came over. Sam and I just shot the shit for a while, discussed Lauren (fuck, that's all that we seem to talk about, all of us), discussed college, watched dumb youtube videos, and baked cookies. I know all of that happened, but the stuff earlier in the day is just like snapshots of time, not really true stuff. Oh yeah, I took a shower in there somewhere, too, totally forgot until a few seconds ago. My rents also brought me home food from a diner, haha, I do remember more now.

"7 Tattoos" is so good, I've devoured it, I've got about 70 pages left. So good, but it has made me wonder something: Did everyone in NYC during the 70s become speed freaks? Every book I read where someone is doing drugs in the city and is alive in the 70s ends up becoming a speed freak. I guess, he was actually a dopefiend during the 70s, and was actually a speed freak in the late 60s. It's weird though, it just seems like everyone was doing speed. Maybe it's just cause the books I'm reading are about drug addicts... couldn't be... = P

Well, I'm off, this was a boring  post.. Nina still hasn't texted me back. Butt slut. Haha, I'll catch you on the flip side. = )

Could this be a country at war?

I laid on my back and rubbed my stomach. The warmth of the old cotton t-shirt I had slept in. I felt like a cat having it's belly rubbed as it lay in a warm spot of sun: content. As I sit up the world begins to move in a weird way and a smile spreads on my face. My mind swims and I want to run through the neighborhood and shout the praises of opiates. I want to scream it to anyone. I feel better, so much better, I think I must be the winner of the world, haha. X plays in my iPod, it's a perfect gray morning. My collarbone itches and itches, I lazily scratch it and I feel amazing. Closing my eyes I feel better. I feel better. I'm reading "7 Tattoos" by Peter Trachtenberg. I love it! I started reading it before I was high, so it's not just the high. It's so good, possibly because we have similar lives or just because it's a fucking excellent book. X continues to serenade me, I'm listening to the album "Hey Zeus!" which is from the early 90s (1993?). I don't think many people know it, but it's very excellent for a gray morning, kind of dark, but good. APPLE kind of reminds me of this album, they have similar sounds. I probably need a shower. I probably need some food. I should fry an egg and make some toast. Suddenly, I'm famished. I bought lucky charms on thursday, I could have some of that too. I should call Anthony later and make sure everything is cool with him, apologize for being annoying. I'm thinking about going over to the festival early on Sunday, like 10 a.m.. He's getting there at 8 a.m. because he's working the radio station's booth. He promised that he would hang out with me for some of that time, I wish he was here. He's so sweet to me. He seemed really happy yesterday, even though we get no time alone (I'm a 17 year old, okay, do you remember being 17? Okay, well, then you understand why we need some time alone, not in school... haha, seriously, though, it's pissing me off) just hanging with him make me happy. We have really ridiculous conversations, we're two good friends if nothing else. I'm so happy, fuck, I wish I could wrap up this feeling of happiness and sip it everyday, just a little. I wish it wasn't chemical, I wish it was just in me, and sometimes it is. In the city it comes out. Walking down the street with the VU playing on my iPod and it's this amazing feeling of contentedness. The city... okay, so here's my biggest problem with the city: me. I have very little experience with dealers, most of the ones I've met have been people I've been friends who were making a little side business, not real dealers. So, to go and have to find one, I mean, I just feel like a dumbass, ya know? It's like I need an instruction manual. I'm good at meeting people and making friends and fitting in fairly well, that's the only good quality that I have in this. Talking to people doesn't bother me, it's more the right people. Fuck, well, I'll just figure it out, I'll eventually meet someone, it's not that hard. Haha, I don't really give a fuck right now. = )

BTW, you need to listen to these two songs: "Baby You Lied" and "Country at War" by X, it's from "Hey Zeus!" They are both excellent songs! = )