Drunk When I Met You

My ass is covered in bruises. And when I say bruises, they are a dark, dark purple. There is one on the direct center of my right ass cheek, three large ones running down the back of my right thigh, and a smaller green one on my left hip. This is why I don't like hopping fences. My friends, correctly, decided that if we sat in the gated off part of Tompkins Square Park (meaning we'd have to hop a fence), we could easily escape the cops because we can hop fences faster than them. Although this makes a lot of sense--and luckily we didn't have to test our theory--I am shitty at climbing chain link fences especially in my heavy doc martens. So the first time our friend Izzy gave me a boost over, and then going back my friend Steven gave me a boost back over the fence. However, that time I got stuck on top of the fence with my legs and hands all facing back away from where I wanted to go. I had just finished a 40 and a half, and was feeling it. The fence began to shake, and I fell backwards over it. But before hitting the ground, I held on to the fence with my legs directly up in the air. Although it didn't seem like I feel that hard, falling from the top of the fence on to the rest of the fence fucked up my thigh. I had a giant welt afterwards. I sat on an ice pack after that.

Beyond that, some guy who was trying to fuck me by leading me on, I told to fuck off. So that kind of sucked. I hate when people think they're going to use me. It makes me very angry, understandably.

I have 6 poetry readings coming up between now and December 12th... and my plays performance on December 2nd. It's cool having lots of shows coming up, it's exciting and fun, but a little bit stressful. I need to work on some new material.

Anyway, I'm awake to early for class today, so I'm gonna go work on some homework and shower.

Check ya later,

- Luce...

Drink Drank Punk

So... I couldn't sleep. Wow. Not really a surprise. Thought about taking some benzos to get me off to sleep, but I think it's all bad. I'm going to stay away from all of that shit for as long as I can, or unless this insomnia thing gets way out of hand. It's annoying as fuck.

Last night, I was puking my guts out on the pavement of Tompkins Square Park. I've been sick there once before, but that was 2 years ago. I was lying down, my other wasted friend Steven was flicking water on my face, keeping me awake, making sure I didn't pass out. Excessive alcohol consumption + caffeine + 110 degree weather = lots of puking. The first time I puked I was half laying down on the ground, the second time I was sitting up on a bench, and ended up puking on my boots. Nasty nasty stuff. My friend Milo was kind enough to get me to the subway and buy me a ride. I don't like drinking. Milo and I both have done a lot of drugs, I was (I'm pretty sure) yelling at him about how I hate alcohol and how I'd rather just get fucked up if I'm gonna be puking like this, etc. etc.. I think I was also harassing hipsters as we walked ot the subway. A water covered, vomit smelling, drunk punk kid being held up by her much larger, biker/GG Allin looking friend--we must have been some sight. Haha, but it was all in good fun. I've felt like shit all day, but i don't know I'm feeling a bit happier right now. I was down like an hour ago, but I think my mood has leveled off.

I got into Trash Bar this week to perform as well. It's this obscenely difficult to get into bar that hosts a lot of punk show, and being my 19 year old self, I was a tad concerned if I would REALLY get in. But my bf's band gave me stuff to carry, so that got me in the door. Once I was in the backroom where the stage was, it was super dark and I figured I was finally in the clear. Then some guy came up, one of the workers who checks ID. He asked us all to show him our IDs, and I was like: FUCK. I pretended to look for my wallet in my bag and calmly stated to my bf P that I must have left it at his house. The man then started shining hte light in my face, and asked me how old I am. It went down something like this:

Him (standing over me with a flashlight): How old are you?

(shines light on my face)

Me (bending over my bag, stand up): I'm 23.

(He continues to shine the light in my face)

Me (sticking out my tongue and opening my mouth wide): I feel like I'm at a Dr. appointment. How does my throat look?

He then laughed and stamped my hand. And history was made. In my mind.

Anyway, I'm going to try out this whole sleeping thing. Here's a poem I wrote tonight. It's terrible. Enjoy!

Another junky-child asleep on the asphalt

I could hear her shrill silent scream

It left the air empty

Like the dry heat of summer

I curled up in a ball beside her

The shallow moonlight lit the gray tracks of tears on the sheets

My loneliness played across the room

I tried to remember why Paris always seemed better at night

But then I let out another silent scream

For relief of this yearning

The deep-seated, empty belly syndrome

That left us on our knees every night

Praying at that empty altar

Waiting for a moment

Of pure silence

After the sermon had stopped

I found myself surrounded

By these thoughts

Too numerous to stop

The rambling of an amphetamine brain

But without the amphetamine

Tears seemed to fall slowly

Rolling down as if to savor the moment

That feeling of pure desire

The roll and ebb

Flowing up and down my spinal chord

Playing my body like a harp

And leaving my brain to reel

Now there is no scream

Just silence

An empty mind

Which now only simmers.

34 days... and it's BLANCHE NUIT!

Tonight the entire city of Paris is staying up to run around and see all the crazy art exhibits... I finished my homework earlier and I'm just kind of chilling out, thinking about working on some other shit I have to get done. I feel like it would be a lot easier to stay up all night if I had some coke... not that it'd be pleasant the next day. But it's nice to stay up all night and not even realize the sun is rising and it's morning until 7 am.

I'm gonna make myself a screwdriver to carry along with me on the journey... and slowly, get fucked up. I'm sure we'll buy beer and shit as we go, which is what I want. I want to slowly dive into drunk land, because if I get drunk before hand it'll be way unpleasant.

Last night my friend sprang into my room around 2 am, high on hash, but I was alright cause I was lonely and pissed at some of my other friends for flaking on me and forcing me to spend the night alone. We talked to Mike on the phone for a bit, cause I told him I was going to beforehand, and she was kind of bitchy about that (as if she had the right to be, I was putting her up for the night... not by choice). Anyway, we started talking about drugs, and how people here are behind us in the whole partying thing. At 18, I'm much chiller than I was at 16 or 17, I kinda grew out of the whole LET'S GET FUCKED UP ALL WEEKEND deal, so we're just at a different place in our life. She was talking about how she almost did heroin once, but the needle freaked her out, and I had had a little to drink, so I rolled up my sleeve and I was just really telling her how I fucking missed the needle, and I don't know, it's that yearning that I sometimes get, but I really don't usually tell people about it. I woke up, at 8 am, still missing it, I don't know, it's a bad week for me and the cravings. Anyway, I kicked her out of my room, the metros are open, she could go home now. I don't know, I kinda wanted to be left alone and have my room to myself again.

It was weird man, I don't like really talking about that kinda stuff for that reason, but I mean, sometimes my mouth gets the better of my brain.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

- Lucy = )

27 days of sickness...

My nose hurts. And my stomach hurts... luckily, it has calmed down since earlier. It was really bad and just kind hit me suddenly as we were walking around the flea market. My stomach went, and then the sweats hit me, and then I was dizzy and knew it was time to go. I hurried home, having to convince my friends that I had to get back, and stripped out of my clothes and changed into my shorts/t-shirt. I laid down on my bed and tried to calm myself down and make sure I didn't puke my guts out... I don't know what I did to deserve those feelings today, but obviously my body was UNHAPPY.

I went to an infoshop yesterday and picked up different zines and other publications about the anarchist and punk scene in Paris/France. It's cool shit, only one was in English, but the rest is in French, so I mostly understand it... mostly.

I bought Mike a postcard from the anarchist bookstore, which was someone hooked up to an IV filled with money, and the line was being clipped. Today he had an endoscopy, and so he was feeling really weird today when we talked, just a bit under the weather and shit. He said that the only thing that hurt was the IV in his hand, so at least that was the only thing that really bothered him. I miss him... he's so cute.

Last night I got a bit drunk on some vodka and beer... and while I was drunk I remembered why I dislike drinking and why it's bad for me to drink... BAD. Because, I drink one glass and I'm not drunk enough, so I have another glass so that I feel a bit more drunk, and then blah blah blah I feel like shit. So, yeah, no more boozin. I'm afraid of latching onto alcohol...

UMM... nothing else is happening. I bought a leather jacket and took out the shoulder pads, so it's looking pretty snazzy. Anyway... I'm bored and Mike is being kinda douchey so I gotta snap him out of it.

Talk to you all tomorrow!

- Lucy! = )

25 days... so you get a video?!

DON'T WATCH THIS IF YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC

YOU WILL BE OFFENDED.

DON'T READ THE REST OF MY BLOG POST, IN FACT...

YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED AGAIN.

So... today I was done early with classes because I had my exam today. Basically, I got home around like 12:30 and have just been chilling out ever since. Cooked some lunch, put the dishes away, and put more money on my phone... Today is blah. I don't like how my brain is beginning to lean towards alcohol as a way to calm itself. That whole flipping the switch thing is something I wanna keep away from alcohol, 'cause that's just a bad bad trap I could fall into. Honestly, I should really stay away from that and oddly enough caffeine. I have begun to drink coffee as if it were a drug, and I just want to feel that burst of energy... BAD. So, in short, anything addictive I gotta keep away from my body for the next I'd say month or so at the least, just to make sure I really will be alright. I know that once I get over this first hump of shittiness, staying sober will become a lot easier task, it's always those first few months that can really make or break you.

Also, just so you can see my man, here's a pic of us together:

Yeah... we're cute like that. = P

Anyway, I'll probably update in a bit, out of boredom.

Check ya guys later!

- Lucy = )

I've been killing my brain cells!

I keep killing my brain cells. I won't have any by the end of senior year. I'm just bashing them into alcohol and weed and pills and whatever I can get my hands on. It's kind of entertaining. I like drinking and smoking and chilling out. I've been to a few parties recently... no shows, sadly... and a whole lot of couches. I'm out drinking the best of 'em and smoking with the platinum level stoners. It's come to the point now where my brain at the moment is just perpetually on the fritz, causing me some speech and spelling dumbness. I'm also way way sick.

Fuck, I have no idea what to talk about.

I went to the city and posted/handed out some fliers to some hot crusties (4 of 'em, who seemed quite into my birthday show). Oh, how I love them. I have to find a prom date now, not that they would be it, but I just thought of it. I have to get a dress, too, and shoes. Fuck, I have to do homework at somepoint this week. At least one thing is for sure, I'M GOING TO NYU. Yup, you're favorite little-junky-stoner-dumbass-punk kid. I'm such a weirdo, so its kind of the perfect place.

Fuck, I'm waking up early tomorrow, hopefully I'll find something for my brain to make this next  posting worth while.

Love you all!

Lucy

Glue Man

I have been going on an emo-teenage bender these past two weeks. I feel like crap about everything. I hate myself, I hate my personality, I hate how I look, I can see nothing good in anything I do. And, being that this is the technology age, and this is my emo week, I wanna tell it to all of the people I look up to over the internet. Oh yeah, it's like a motherfucking emo-dial, ready to freak people out. Luckily, I'm fairly aware of how bad this will make me look, so I'm keeping it to my good friends and shit and not going on about it on myspace or facebook or anything else.

Not to mention I have strep throat, which is really only adding to my cheery demeanor.

Anyway, this weekend I went to Tanzen's 18th birthday party. We met up early to go to a book signing in the city, which we bailed on about 2 hours into and gave the books to her sister who works at the cafe attached to the bookstore to get the books signed. Walked over to the Strand and I bought another Irvine Welsh book, HARDCOVER, for 5 bucks. God, I love used book stores. Then we wandered down to the salvation army and I got a brand new flannel for 3 bucks. Jordan texted me and told me that ARCHY was down at ABC for the show. I had already told him I would go down and say hey and shit, so we walked down and I ruminated on the idea of a possible fight. Got down there and said hey to Jordan, who was steaming over her presence at the show and seemed to be going into a state of testosterone filled rage. I stood there and he paced a bit around saying hey to people, kind of acknowledging me kind of not, just kind of speaking and not really giving a fuck that I was there. I said hey to Emz too, who is a 14 year old I've befriended and given protection from the Crew. Good kid, smart, I just told her not to get into too much trouble. Anyway, after saying hey to people there, the management was yelling for people to go around the corner or go inside, we weren't paying, so we walked up to a Diner to grab some fries and sodas. My feet were killing me by now because of the fishnets I was wearing. We walked for another 45 minutes to Thompson street to go to Generation Records. A store in front of which I promptly put on pants to keep my legs warm. Yes, I almost striped on the street, but not really because I had on my dress still. Tanzen also took some hot photos of me in the process, haha. Went in there and I bought a new Zero Boys button, I just love them and they aren't appreciated enough and don't have merchandise in a lot of places. 

During this time I kept smoking, I have a bad habit of smoking a lot if I have a pack. I don't usually have smokes, but when I do I chain smoke them, haha. Finally, after lots of walking we went up town and did all the shit for the party. All of us kids hung out, I saw most people I knew, and if I didn't know them, I quickly did. Haha, I'm good at mingling. This guy was serving up tequilla from the bar, and he was being obnoxious as shit about it and making everyone, including myself, drink it straight. I don't like tequilla. I will only drink whiskey straight. So, I drank it, but I kind of just sipped it, I don't usually force alcohol down. I probably had 4 or 5 shots, and so I was feeling a bit inebriated by the time the party winded down. I was then forced to go to the Marriot, I good 6 or 7 blocks away and ride the glass elevator, which was cool, but a long fucking walk. When we arrived in Brooklyn I was tired, Molly was puking in the subway station, and Commie (yes, as in he is a Communist and people call him Commie) was getting a bit touchy-feely, so when we got back to Tanzen's house I headed upstairs and fixed the futon up and got into bed fast. There was a bit of discussion over whether or not the leaves that Irina gave her were Salvia, which they are. I told Tanzen not to do anything stupid. The next morning, Tanzen, me, and Marci went on the subway. On which I was informed that it was a surprise to Marci how intelligent I am. This made me laugh, and I told her that tequilla happens to lower my IQ. We hadn't talked at all at the party, and the most words I had said to her in the morning were probably me yelling at her and Tanzen to shut the fuck up or I was going to beat them up, because I was trying to sleep and I was a bit hungover (haha, I'm not a morning person).

What I guess could be the most important part of this was what we actually talked about the day before, and how it coincided with our train ride once it was just Tanzen and I. I started talking to Tanzen about the whole coke situation, blah blah, and how M makes me fucking nervous as shit, how I don't know how to contact her without her verbally abusing me over the phone (haha, sad but true, this girl scares the shit out of me). Tanzen said something that legit scared the shit out of me, and is making me feel a bit guilty and glad that I haven't given her any drugs or anything besides weed (and hydros, but only once, because lets face it, I'm selfish and I feel guilty when I fuck her up. Ironically, my own selfish intentions, are helping her). She said this to me, "Weed is known as a 'gateway drug,' and I've been standing in the door way for far too long." My immediate reaction mentally was, "WOAH! I didn't realize that she really felt like this. Is this my fault? Have my own stupid stories and drug problems and shit causing my friend to think that harder drugs are the answer to her problems? Fuck..." It actually soured me to the thought of drugs for the entire day. I just thought about how much I love Tanzen, she's my best friend, and how I don't want to be the reason for her ever having a drug problem. At the same time, I crave a partner in crime, but it's not bad enough for me to want to risk her in the process. I mean, I'm a dumbass, I make bad choices constantly. I keep fucking up sobriety, as I did today, as I did two weeks ago. I keep ending up depressed and feeling like shit and not letting myself long enough time to normalize, before I just fuck my brain up again. I don't want this for her, and I don't want her to be in any way drug-dependent. I have been known to be easily able to influence people into doing dumb shit, I've always been a good talker, and I can talk up my own shit. Is my mouth gonna fuck up my friends. I don't know.

I worry about this shit. I worry about her. I worry that I got high yesterday (it was today, but I guess now it's Tuesday morning) and it barely changed my feeling towards the world. I am actually pretty sick, which sucks. I am going to be 18 in 5 days. Holy fuck. For 5 more days I am still just a minor threat.

I'm trying to stay positive and not do anything dumb.

Love you guys and hope you guys are having better days than me!

- Lucy

Sassafras Roots

I sat there on my bed, trying to figure out why no amount of intelligence could compensate for my complete and total ineptitude. Zack was sitting there telling me it was alright, and I knew he felt bad for me. I felt even worse for him, here he is, dating me; No amount of bravado and devil-may-care attitude could make up for my complete stupidity. At least, thats how I felt. I don't know why, but for me, there is this level of having to compensate for all insecurity with either a trump card on whatever subject or bravado. If its drugs, well, compared to all teens I know I can always win, but I don't usually pull it out; regaling others with stories of needles in arms and blood on the ceilings usually ends with the inevitable shunning. If its punk, well, I'm the young punk-poet of the scene, whose already been thanked in one album, has been told that she will have to play bass for a certain band at 21, and is always being handed beer by the bands headlining. If its school, I'm in all AP classes and headed off to stellar schools. But, sexually, well, fuck it, I have no experience. I can't even pretend at it, and I don't try to because it will end in me looking like a fool. Also, I usually play up my inexperience to be a good quality, giving my non-virgin friends shit.

In some ways, it's just me covering up for all of the areas that I lack in. Its weird, people consider me a role model, WHAT THE FUCK? I'm just good at covering up my flaws, I can make people laugh and I got enough charisma to bullshit my way out of most situations, but there are certain things that those things can't make up for.

I'm a nervous fucking person as well. Basically, what happened on Friday was my fault because I put pressure on myself to have sex, when I shouldn't have been doing that. I know it. I knew it. I'm just too much  of a coward to admit it to myself. I just hate how people fucking hold it over my head, it makes me want to bang there heads into the pavement (haha, a lot of the shit people do makes me have that reaction). I guess, in some ways, I don't want to be an 18 year old virgin, there is a stigma that I have placed on that, which is dumb. It's like living in your home town when you're middle aged to me is also failure. I do dumb shit like this in my head all the time.

Also, I guess, Zack's not a virgin, and I wonder what his last girlfriend was like. That bothers me. Like, what if he's always comparing me to her? Does he like me more? Etc. Etc. I'm making myself worry over shit that doesn't matter. And I know he really does care about me, everyone says it, everyone sees it, even I see it, I just can't be content being happy. Mostly I'm afraid I'm going to fuck this up, I mean, I've been able to get out of a lot of shit, but I worry about this.

And Zack doesn't seem to really care. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. But I just wonder shit, if he likes me as much as I like him, I used to think it was the other way around, but now I'm concerned. I miss him. I almost started to cry today because I just wanted him there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I worry I freak him out.

I'm worrying myself crazy over shit that he and I will both laugh about later.

Being a teenager, everything is filled with bits of tension and anguish at all of the things you don't know how to handle. Going to shows for me still ties my stomach in knots, I feel like I never know what's waiting for me up the stairs or down them, or just through the fucking door. You're constantly forced to prove yourself to your peers and adults and yourself, even. I don't feel confident half of the time with the shit I'm doing. And sexually, well, fuck it. I have no idea what to do. I mean, sure mechanically, I understand. But I have no idea in reality what I shoult be doing. Or what other people or doing or shit like that. I lose my cool. I become the loser that I am when shit like this goes down.

What is most upsetting to me are animals and the sluts at my school can do this, and I can't. And my IQ is way higher. Fuck. It's not fair. Why am I so fucking awkward? Why can't I be normal for 20 fucking minutes? Fuck it. I like myself, and I hate myself. I'm going to try not to delete this post.

After pit practice that night, Roma took me out for ice cream and we talked about it and she just consoled me and made me laugh. Then I went over to Lauren's and she did the same. Jordan kind of disturbed me, but he was just trying to help. Nina R also tried to consoled me, but talked down to me, and she doesn't really understand because she's always been more experienced than me since we were in middle school. I've known her for so long, and we've always been there for each other, especially on relationship issues, but she's always been leaps and bounds ahead of me. And the other Nina and I talked about not having sex with our more experience boyfriends, and laughed about it and shit. My friends really did help me not feel like a complete ass. Santina told me that I had the plot for a "coming of age" story, and if she only knew the half of it, haha. My laugh is a fucking made for TV movie.

Yesterday I had to get out of town, so my cuz came and picked me up and I stayed at his house in South Jersey. Basically, it's this big group of Texans who have all moved there from this company they used to work at in Austin, to one in NJ. They're all really cool and most know me fairly well. My favorite is this guy Matt, who was finally back after moving back to TX in April. I missed him. He was one of my favorites, we'd watch TV until 3 a.m.  and just shoot the shit. We did the same thing yesterday, until he had to leave around 12:45 while we were watching SNL. He also gave me some chocolate Sam Adams. I don't really like dark beers, but it was alright. There was a little bit of an after taste of tootsie roll, which was alright, haha. Then I had a Miller Light, which was alright. Not my favorite. I feel like beer cans have more drink in them than sodas, because I can finish a soda so easily, but when I drink a beer it just takes forever. We all watched Half Baked and chilled out. I got a little tipsy, the alcohol just made me a bit dumber and made it easier for me to laugh at all the ridiculous parts of that movie. I love Jim Breur... he's cute. I stayed the night and slept on the sofa next to a few cans of Miller. It was like some had lit a weird beer-candle, and if I lifted my head I just got a big whif of it.

Well, none of this is really important, I'm psyched about tomorrow cause we have no school due to snow. My friends are all excited about smoking a lot of weed and going sledding. I'm hoping to smoke myself stupid, to the point where it's a problem to coordinate your feet to walk and shit. That's the only kind of high I like. One of the reasons I used to not like weed was because it just didn't ever hit me hard enough. I need that deep fucking punch to the face. I know that I shouldn't be drinking and smoking away my problems. It's only partially that though, so I'm not going to worry that much. Anyway... nothing will ever be easy for me, haha, but one day it'll be better. I'm going to try and get over myself.

I love you guys!

I'm going to go sledding with Lauren, the Ninas, Sam, and Zack. I'm going to bake him some cookies, and be the cute, dutiful girlfriend that I am. Haha, or at least my attempt at it.

- Lucy = )

BTW, Melody, thanks for the comment before. It made me feel a bit better.

Rudie Can't Fail

I've been listening to the Clash all day. If you wanna know a few songs I really like, if you don't know the Clash that well, check out: "Rudie Can't Fail," "Hateful," "Lost in the Supermarket," "Clash City Rockers," and "SPANISH BOMBS." I love Spanish Bombs, when we were in middle school, Nina would always sing, haha. = )

I was gonna go to that show last night, but on Friday my Papa texted me telling me that it was 18+ and Keith told me. Haha, and then I complained to Justin about it. It was an interesting hour of conversations to say the least, but Justin and Jay cheered me up. = )

Anyway, on Saturday I hung with Lauren, who thought she was on her death bed due to her terrible sinus infection. We watched random ass shit on TV, and then some Flight of the Conchords (which is one of my favorite shows, but I can only watch it on youtube because I don't have HBO = (. Her parents made seafood and steak to celebrate her dad's promotion, which is really good for her family, and so it was a really good meal. Obviously, haha, we had a very romantic dinner. Zack took me out on thursday, and I think I'm going to bake him a cake as his present for V-day.

Then on Sunday I travelled into Brooklyn, and mass-transit was working fairly well, which made me happy. Santina was going to hang with us, but then couldn't because her mom wouldn't let her. Tanzen and I met up and she gave me a Valentine, it had this little card which said, "You know that I will love you no matter what you do. Just make your choices wisely and to yourself be true! I love you!" I just feel guilty for making her worry and shit. I don't know, I feel guilt for telling people shit, I know people care, even when I feel like a mediocre shit head, people give a fuck about me. Thats a good thing because I've realized that a lot of my issues are due to my fucked up relationship with my dad. I've realized that my distance from him in my childhood due to his work in China and in CA has made me hate him in some ways, because when he came back and wanted to be my dad it just didn't make any sense. I love him, I just wish he could be more like he was when I was a kid and not some crazed old man, who I hate.

It was just me, Tanzen, and her sis. No one else was around so we got a wee-bit drunk, and watched Empire Records and then we walked around their neighborhood in search of coffee. It was fun we played this card game called "haberdashy" (no not a men's hat shop). It's like gin-rummy without having to take turns, so its a lot faster and so much fun. We gave each other nicknames, I was "Rebel" because of my cliched can-throw onto a lawn we passed. Tanzen's sis said to me, "Oh, RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE." Haha, and so we all laughed about it, "I was like, oh yeah, that's how I role. Yeah, I'm not even gonna pick it up." We all joke about me and my "hardcoreness" because I prefer not to fight with my parents and I get good grades and shit like that. I mean, I'm a good kid, with a few flaws, haha, and people think its funny that I am a "punk." The next day we woke up and wanted to go to Voxpop, our favorite coffee shop. It's an awesome place! It's where I got my anarchist calendar there last year, haha (now think about THAT). But, its not serving food due to some trouble with the city of NYC, so we went to this other place. Not as good, but cheap, and we found a table to eat and play cards at.

Right now, my fellow GB Crew member and I, Hughie are discussing plans for the weekend, crew t-shirts, and his band. I'm thinking that his band might play my b-day show, because I'd love it, and it'd make me happy. They said that I could make their shirts for them, which is awesome to me. I made our crew's t-shirts, I drew the stencil, and we're all going to have one.

I know it's pretty sexy across my "lovely rack" with my classy flannel. At the moment I'm wearing that flannel with obnoxious new plaid pants.

At the moment I am also talking to my friend Nina (not the one pictured) about her ex who just called and said he has HPV, and that she gave it to him, or he gave it to her, or something. She apparently came back clean last time she was tested, but she'll probably get tested again, which is good. I worry about her, she's one of my dearest friends, and someone I've been good friends with since we were 11. Nina and I are fucked up in different ways, she was diagnosed with nymphomania after being raped at 15. She went to therapy and is now doing really well, and is basically cured, which is great! She's a lot happier now I think. She's dealing now, which kind of makes me sad, but its alright I guess. I tell people to buy from her and stuff, I don't know, I just try to be helpful. She almost had someone come to my street and buy from her tonight, and I told her absolutely not. I don't know, but that's invading my space, and its one thing to do it with my friends outside my house, if they were already here hanging, but some random girl who is only an acquaintance of mine is a definite NO. Lauren was trying to goad me into saying it was okay, but I stood my ground and Nina was cool with it. Her, Lauren, and Sam came over tonight and we played cards and watched clips of Maury on youtube. I have to post this one video it was AMAZING.

I'm wathing intervention and talking to people online. It's almost too entertaining for my drug addled brain. After this I'll probably read some blogs, do some sudoku, play some guitar, and then maybe around 3 or so I'll go to sleep. I like fighting sleep, haha, it makes me happy.

With my new darker hair, I wanna try new makeup, haha. I put on mixed lilac, teal, and dark blue eyeshadow together, which made my features darker. I kinda like it. I also brought some new red lipstick, because I'm so pale and now have dark hair, the combination with dark makeup kinda looks really good. Haha, I don't know, I love trying new makeup, it's entertaining.

= )

Well, guys, I love you all!

I hope you had a fabulous weekend!

Love, 

- Lucy

"Lucy B. is better than Robert Frost"

That was the title under one of the photos from the show Saturday night. It was one of the greatest show's I've ever been to. It's was in a small record shop, packed to the brim. I got there around 2:15 and talked to Matt (a friend of mine, and the lead guitarist of the headlining band). He requested that I play my hit single "Jacob's Dad." Figuring that I would be up for it, I agreed to it, especially because I knew that most people I knew really loved the song. Tanzen get's there and, as we are want to do, walked down the street to mix our two big bottle of cranberry-vodka. Well, needless to say, but 3:30 in the afternoon I was buzzed. At 4:30, after two bands and two poems, we had finished one and decided to go pick up some water and pretzels and to rest our stomach's for an hour. Why? I don't know. I knew that at the time if I continued to drink at that pace I would be a wreck by the end of the night. Anyway, the place gets more packed, more great bands play, and I'm greeting everyone I know, handing out chap books (I should have made way more) and drinking. Well, as it says on the back of my chap book: "If you see her, buy her a beer." Some woman did just that, and the other adults that knew me gave me parts of their beers, or gave me whole beers. I finished the next bottle of cranberry-vodka and took sips from other people's drinks, and passed on a medium beer (not a tall boy, and not a regular size... what's that called? Because I like those and I don't know the name for it) and a regular sized one to my friends (one was a nasty yellow canned one, and the other was, my personal fav, PBR = ). My friends were appreciative. Needless to say, when I went up to play my song, I was drunk and so were most of the audience. Although I messed it up a lot, everyone found it funny, and we had a good time with it! Haha, I'm so ridiculous. I basically spent 8 hours of saturday drunk. I talked to a few people who I find really cute who I've only oggled from afar (like... METAL CHRIS... oh, he's sooooo fine, and E-arly... two HOT guys) and I almost talked to Pat from Reagan Youth, but mostly just stood next to Papa Jay and listened to them talk (I really did feel like his kid at that moment). We then, Jay, Sarah (his GF), and I, went to a diner. The first one was closed, but the second one was open and during this time my parents were frantically calling my cell phone, which I was too drunk to realize was vibrating. After some damage control, and some sobering up, I was back on the train home to NJ. I did see my crew's arch-nemesis there. She was supposed to jump us or some shit, but she was very "buddy-buddy" to me. I figure it's like this: you don't jump someone who everyone in the room was just applauding and talking to. I'm kind of becoming the darling of the scene? Haha, at least, that's what I hope. = ) I love all the adults there, they're so cool and always telling me how great I am or giving me shirts or CDs (not that most bands don't do it) or beers. It's just too much fun!

I'm doing well in school. Making the grades and working hard. My lowest grade is in English, I have an 84 and I only got a 77 on the midterm... I was tied with someone else for lowest midterm grade in the class. 

Anyway, everything else is good. I'm going to upload some pics from the show to show you guys my classiness. = P

BTW, I figured I'd stick in a classy picture of me and the cranberry juice. The girl with the pigtails beside me is Tanzen... WE HOT. = P

So, yeah, now I'm off to orchestra pit practice. I hope y'all enjoy my stellar photos!

The show was amazing! Great bands! Great people! Just an all around blast! My b-day show is at the same place, sadly MDC is playing somewhere else that same day, so I'm hoping that people show up! = )

Check ya later!

- Lucy B.

So, is this sobriety, or SOBRIETY?

Okay, so no opiates for almost a month! "Scandal, Franco!" (if you can tell me what movie that quote is from, I'll be really impressed.) The 4th it will be a month since January 4th, well, lets see how I feel about this. I have no idea. I keep thinking man, this would be so great, if I was high. Fuck, just saying that makes it sound good. But, I can't. I gotta be good, mostly because, as much as I love taking some pills and letting my mind go, I know that I'm benefitting in less paranoia about drugs being found or being noticed missing (on those occasions when I filch them). I smoked weed yesterday, and it was actually the best experience with it I've had in a while. My friends went and smoked with me during lunch and then we went back to class, I got quite high (I didn't realize how I high I was until I started talking about guinea pigs for about 3 hours). Makes me nervous about getting drug-tested, but I can't sweat it. Zack was making fun of me today, "wow, so, that was short-lived." I was like, "hey, it's been two weeks..." Whatever, I enjoyed it, I was supposed to be playing music with my friends tonight, but I think I might go to bed early and read and watch TV with my mother, etc. I was invited to a party, and although I've never been to a house-party, I don't really want to go. The girl who is hosting it and I don't get along, and I'm planning on getting well, trashed tomorrow at the show, so I figure I better not come home wasted tonight. I guess my sobriety, is really only the absence of opiates... but thar works for me...

Tomorrow's show has some of my favorite bands. My Papa is going to take me, my fake sis Santina, her bf, and my bf, to dinner. I'm also going to get to read poetry at the show and hand out my chap books which I just made. Should be sweet. I can't wait for me and Zack to get to hang out in the city, we're leaving at 12:30 and probably won't be home until 11:30 or so. I can't wait, I love him. Still no fucking, but that's okay... I've realized that I'm kind of... umm.. afraid of dicks? Not that I'm a lesbian, because vajayjays are way nastier. There is nothing hot about vagina, I don't understand lesbians or straight guys... vages are nasty. Anyway, I'm psyched to have a moment with Zack's dick. = ) That will happen, and you guys will get to hear the full scoop... I'm sure I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow or Sunday.

Dude, I'm tired, I'm full, I feel sick... I'm going to go rest, without drugs, fridays are kind of taxing. Whatever, I'll get drunk tomorrow and that'll be funny as shit. = )

Love you guys,

Lucy!

I AM A BAMF

Okay, so, I am so fucking happy and shit... you don't even know right now...

Last night, Zack's aunt and cousin were off with relatives over night. So, being a 17 year old, I spent then night!!!! Now, me being me, as I told my friend who was "afraid for my vcard": my vcard is intact. Obviously, some shit happened, but you guys definitely don't want details. But, the night was just so much fun. Mostly, we just hang out, said dumb shit to one another, watched dumb tv shows. His mother called last night, she was really drunk. It took him like 40 minutes to get her off the phone as we walked around and I tried to stifle my laughter. The funniest thing was when she said to him: "Is your girlfriend there?" "Is Sarah there? Don't lie to me." And the second time he said yes sarcastically, and she said, "awww." Haha, I had to fucking run out of the room because i was dying. She also called him a cracker. I wore his clothes and shit when we went to bed. In the morning I made us eggs for breakfast, and we watched dumb shows on Lifetime.

One of the best quotes of the night was when he was like, I'll go sleep on the sofa, and I asked if he was afraid and he says: "I have no problem sleeping with you."

THE NIGHT BEFORE:

I got drunk and high after the Reagan Youth show. It was such a great show. I got thrown from the back to the front of the pit and just like being shoved everywhere. Pat kept letting me sing into the mic. I love seeing Reagan Youth because everyone gets so into it and everyone knows the words. There was this big skinhead with read hair who was obviously into me, and kept trying to hit on me. There were three kids who were obviously on speed, you should have seen them, haha. They were like rubbing their hair and their arms and fidgeting and talking at lightening speed. At first I only saw one and thought he just had problems, and then when I saw all three I realized they were high. Good times. Good bands. Good friends. Man, it was a great night. I have some really hardcore missing patches of skin on my arm (from getting dragged from the front of the pit into the floor of the circle pit. Like legit, and then people as they do, hoisted me up and I had to fight my way back to the standing pit.) I like circle pits, but I'm just no coordinated enough to fully enjoy them. Tanzen and I got back to her house and finished up this cranberry vodka we had. Then we smoked about 4 bowls in the park, and got back and tried to play cards (it was so retarded). So, I'm trying to quit because of the crying on the train last weekend and shit, but to no avail. No opiates though, since the 4th of January. Fuck. Well, I don't know. I hate weed. I'm just worried about getting drug tested and coming up positive for weed and getting in trouble because it would be such a waste.

Well, I wonder if I love Zack, I think I love him. I've decided to just take it one day at a time and not think about it.

Well, I love you guys!

- Lucy = )

Strange

I had a drug dream that I have to share with everyone, because it was THAT cracked out. Okay, so I'll start from the beginning. My friend Nina and I are walking from our first block class on the third floor, down to our homeroom on the second floor like every day. However, we take a different stairwell, anyway, we stop on the landing in between the two floors and these three Hispanic kids I recognize are standing there. Anyway, they have like a bowl of what looks to be powdered sugar (I mean, I'm always getting high off of baking goods... anyway). So, the main guy asks if he we want some "name that made no sense when I heard it." It was my minds attempt at a nick-name for a drug gone wrong, to the point where it was legit just sounds. Nina's eyes are kind of bugged out and dilated and a bit crossed. She's very gungho about it. Instead of having viles or tinfoil or baggies... No, it's this thing that looks like a tiny-fish bowl (about the size of a marble) with an opening at the top. They are using spoons the size of like barbie spoons to put the powder in there. BTW, it's supposed to be speed (haha, my dreams... REALLY REALISTIC... not). Okay, so suddenly I wanna say he's given it to Nina, or maybe it's while he's filling the "vile" and he says, "do you want a taste?" Nina  says no, and I look at her and say, "Yes?" So, I snort a little (mind you, I'm standing in a fucking stairwell in my school, which is apparently empty because everyone else is in homeroom). At first, I'm like, wow, nothing. AND THEN IT HITS ME. Suddenly, I feel like I've been hit in the face by a fucking roller coaster and my mind is flying. Nina and I then walk downstairs (some how she is also high). Anyway, we walk down to our homeroom and try to turn off all of the lights in the classroom because it is bothering our eyes. There's this machine in the front with all of these keys and knobs and shit and lights, which I am just so unable to turn off it's not funny. Anyway, I keep trying, to no avail. Finally, I wake up. It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I've been asleep for an hour and I'm fucking sweating because of how high the heat is in my house and the fact that I'm under a blanket. I crawl out and feel so gross and go do homework.

This is how my beginning to going straight is. Great. Fucking, great. Obviously, that's just all I need. Anyway, I'm doing good. Besides when I was about ready to fucking just shove anything into my body to get high on wednesday, lots of shit went down and it was terrible, but I refrained. = ) I don't know, today my friend was being very triumphant when she said she hadn't smoked weed in 3 days? or maybe it was since Sunday? (Obviously, I was paying a lot of attention...) Anyway, I kind of felt bad after just brushing it off like it was nothing. I remember last year when I was so fucking proud to have made it like 2 and a half weeks, and I told my friends and they were just like, "whatever" and it kind of ruined it for me. I'm feeling good about it. I'll just drink because I don't have enough opportunities to drink. I do occasionally feel like I do drink just to get fucked up. Bad Lucy. Bad... I don't know, after Tanzen saying the greatest thing ever: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality." How could I stop drinking? Haha, that's just like the greatest phrase of someone whose had a bit much to drink.

Tomorrows plan: finish off the stoli (I will not poor out fucking as much cranberry juice as last time...) and then go to the show. Enjoy Reagan Youth, then go to Tanzen's. Cut my hair at some point, watch SNL, hopefully eat some Life cereal, play guitar, etc. It'll be great. = )

I FINISHED APPLYING FOR COLLEGE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! = ) Basically, the greatest fear of my life is off of my shoulders. Now it's just up to admissions people, and they can do what they want. Hopefully, I get into to like 8 out of 12 (I know, I applied to way too many schools). Anyway, around April I'll tell y'all the good news. = )

I don't know, I'm tired. 

But I have a question:

Okay, so, with certain guys, I would kiss them and I would literally get weak in the knees. That doesn't happen with Zack. There's no fire there (besides us being two teenagers who like each other). In some ways, I feel like he's just more of a safe choice, rather than like the perfect guy for me. I wish there were more sparks, but it's cool. He's the kind of guy who we're kind of like a great couple, and we'll just work it out. (We put down the deposits on our room after prom, we're sharing a suite with my two good friends and their dates. It's an open room though, with a pull out couch, so it's like two beds and a pull out couch... ugh. AWKWARD. haha).

Should I worry if there are no sparks? That's my question. = )

Well, I'm off to sleep. Good night guys, love you all.

= )

Lucy

The Biggest Lie

I don't have time to write a detailed blog, so here's a synopsis:

School's been crazy and I'm not getting enough sleep, feeling like shit, and just kind of am wondering if the ceiling is going to cave in on my head.

Got drunk with my friends on saturday and wandered around the city writing things like "Cock" "Ass" etc. on people's car windows in the snow. The next morning Tanzen and I smoked, but her dad was there which led to us almost getting caught twice. Tanzen said the funniest thing I have ever heard: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality" (she was drunk when she said that, haha). Jordan saw the girl we all hate at the show he went to, and he called and I got to talk to him and Papa Jay. I got into a horrible mood on the train, I started to cry and shit, I just felt hopeless. I seriously think it's the combination of sleep-deprivation, Sunday, and weed. I hate weed. It really just fucks with my head. 

One thing that we did talk about was how we know that we're going somewhere. I've always felt that there was something about me that meant I was going to do something. Anything. Not in a conceited way, it's just, you can't be born into this world with weird circumstances and lead a weird life and not do SOMETHING. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was going to be end up being a prophet. Not that I'm better than anyone, with each day I just realize how much more fucked up I am than most people I know, but its whatever. I'm going to make something of myself. Anything. Just something that makes me happy at the end of the day.

I'm also wondering if I go straight for the rest of the year and stop touching drugs. Period. What? Am I serious? I have no idea. We'll see how long it lasts. If I keep it going the one good thing will be the relief of not having to hide away shit. There are a few exceptions, but I doubt I'll get a hold of these exceptions... I'm waiting to worry about that shit at a later date.

Well, I'm going to see Reagan Youth on saturday, so I'll probably come back on after that. Everyone have a nice week! = )

Victory

From the mind of your favorite 17 year old who has a taste for the opiates and punk... who else would it be? ; )

So, yesterday was my Lauren's 18th birthday and we were all hanging out. Well, I'll start from the beginning. I got over there around 1 p.m. and we went out to get stoned and go sledding. We smoked in the woods as we walked over to this giant hill... It was the longest walk of my life. Seriously, it was crazy. And me being only the occasional weed smoker, and it being shitty New York Diesel crap, I was barely high unless I really relaxed my mind. Well, we sledded a few times, I had to watch Lauren and make sure she didn't die, her and her stoner self were out in la la land. The funny thing I can remember is we're walking down the path in the woods back to her house and I am talking and in my head I sound exactly like this drummer I know John, and my mannerism's are like his... so bizzarre. I was him for a good like what felt like an hour, so probably 5 minutes, haha.

So, finally, we get back and I'm in an okay state of affairs. Glad that I didn't pop any hydros before I came because I would have been far more inclined to lay around and just talk then fucking walking for hours. Helen shows up, she's always really entertaining, so I was glad when she came. We watched Happy Gilmore but the weed sent me to sleep, so I barely remember any part of that time. I really just slept. Nina got there and then we went outside and her and Lauren smoked while Helen and I hung out in front (I figured I was fine, and not in the mood to smoke with the stoners). I kinda yelled at Nina for being an asshole to me, she got all offended and shit. Anyway, they were sledding, and I was supervising, making sure the stoners didn't hit the house... I'm just so mature and responsible (compared to them at least).

Other Nina showed up, and we had to push her car to get it into a parking space because of all of the snow. Well, Nina wanted to smoke. So, Helen left, and then the rest of us all went to smoke. Suddenly I was VERY high. We smoked later and I was VERY VERY VERY high. Then we started to be fed beer by Lauren's older sister. Suddenly I'm tipsy and VERY VERY VERY high (on weed, which is weird for me, usually I'm just like high, or a bit high, but not like incapable of doing shit). I'm so high that when I close my eyes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and spinning and shit, yeah... seirously. Anyway, we go to bed, after many hours of retarded brain frying.

I wake up with the sun shining in on my face and I'm happy. I think Lauren woke up with a hangover, haha, she would be that much of a light weight. I felt so calm and happy to be alive. I was still feeling a tad bit of a residual high from all of the weed that had been pumped into my body. 

It's funny but I am really more of a "hard body" than most of my friends when it comes to shit. They used to joke about it a lot, it took me literally 4 months of smoking weed before I got REALLY high. I can drink more alcohol than my friends, which makes me a little happy... haha, it's the punk in me I swear. The reason that I've had drinks usually was because I was at shows, and all of the grey hairs I know drink SOOOOOOOOO much. It's ridiculous, and being their little teenage adopted child, I either get alcohol from them or watch them drink it. Either way, it really does play with my thought process. I find alcohol more appealing because of watching them, I really do want to be like them and I don't know why. Maybe because they're so cool, they know everyone and they just seem like the most awesome people ever. Is that dumb? I don't know, I don't know if it makes me lame or whatever. I do have to say one thing: it's nice to have people to look up to, to have heroes that you know, I'd never had that until I became part of the NYC Punk scene. I'm so proud too, NYHC! It's my family.

Well, I think I might be like kind of married to Zack, you should see us we're ridiculous. We're such old people. We like decorated the tree today at my house and then we went shopping for presents and wrapped them. Then we like set the table and helped prepare the dinner. We watched Trainspotting tonight and Flight of the Conchords. Oh man, watching them take shots and I just kept flashing back... ugh, I fucking hate having shit I can't IV. Seriously, I love just sticking a needle in my arm... oh man, I am getting excited thinking about it.

Hmmm... well, I'm tired and ready for bed, I'm going to list out what I got for early Xmas here:

- Flaming Lips CD - Zack

- 100 bucks - Grandma = )

- peacoat/jacket thingy - Mom

- dress - Mom

- sweatshirt - Mom

- shirt - Mom

- new pair of Vans - Mom

- Loafass CD - Mom

- Germs "(MIA)" - Mom (I had some of the songs, but not all of them... it makes me soooooo happy)

- belt - Mom

- The Who poster - Mom

It was so much fun, and I really had a great time with my fam and especially Zack. We're so ridiculous together. One annoying thing: he came, ate my food, got to see me model my clothes, and watch trainspotting, and I got no kiss... What the fuck? I'm going to have to smack the boy.

; )

Well, guys, I'll catch ya'll on the flipside!

- Lucy

Saturday Night

I've been talking to Jordan a lot, who basically told me that it was no biggy, that Jay will probably never give me alcohol again, and that everyone does that at least once. He was asking me about what songs the Ray Gradys' covered. I remember singing some Zero Boys songs, and that's it. Apparently there were more, but I don't remember that at all. I've never had something like that happen, even when I'm seriously high I remember what happened. Hmmm, alcohol is a funny funny thing. = ) I really hope that Jay gives me alcohol again, that would kinda make me sad if I fucked that up, even though I'm pretty sure he never will again.

Jordan is so funny, he's 21, from Long Island, and a skinhead (not a racist one though, if he was a nazi skinhead I wouldn't speak to him, probably). A lot of people are unaware that not all skinheads are racists, so if you're confused about this you have now been educated. He sent me all of these MDC songs, which are awesome. My favorites are the two different songs: "John Wayne was a Nazi." He told me that he would consider me being almost 18 into whether or not he would at some point get me alcohol. Haha, when I couldn't remember the song, I told him to ask Jay and he was like: "Do you know how much more alcohol we had than you?" My response was that they're older and heavier, and that I'm a dainty young lady. = ) Haha, I really like Jordan, he's a funny as hell guy.

I'm psyched about the show in 2 weeks, it should be sweet. 10 bands/$5 in Queens. Mi madre is going to drive me, which is cool. I might bring a friend with me so that I'm not alone at the show. Maybe I'll get to read again? I have a new poem, which I shall now post for your entertainment:

My Favorite Flavor of Powerade

“Whiskey isn’t fun and friendly”
That is what I have been told
But I don’t think that’s true
Unless you are quite old

My parents think it’s bad for me
But I don’t agree
For the punks say its good
So I believe that it must be

I don’t mind falling over
And I like riding in your car
So please give me some more alcohol
Before you hit the bar

Jameson takes about 5 minutes before it kicks in
So maybe you should wait a second before you let me in
I don’t think I will puke but I may need to sit down
Don’t pull me off the floor, I’m more comfortable laying on the ground

That basically sums up my experience on saturday... I've realized how much of a good time I had and I've realized that I like drinking. I won't drink as much as last time, but a wee bit won't hurt me. = )

I'm really sick right now, I feel kind of like I'm going to puke. It's because I have a cold, so my snot is basically running into my stomach. I'm sure you all wanted to hear that.

I'm also very excite that Obama won, it's such great news. I feel like he can really turn our country around, at least more than McCain would have.

Drink, Drank, Punk

Okay, so I'm going to try and sort out what happened yesterday at the show in a way that makes sense. I'll do it in steps, it'll make it easier for me to right it out. (BTW, Jay is the lead singer of Endangered Feces, Jay C. is the lead singer of Aggressive Force... two different people, hookay?)

1.) Got on the subway, about a 20 minute trip on the F to Delancy. Right when I got into the station, Santina and Nicole were there. So we all figured out where it was.

2.) We hung out there, and talked to Jay L.. We all hung out there together, just waiting around for about an hour. I felt fucked up, it's actually the way I usually feel the day before I get really sick.

3.) After about an hour or so we all walked in, paid our $7.

4.) Charles said his poem, then I said mine... I'm gonna post the video of my poem at the end of this post.

5.) Endangered Feces went on. Jay C., Jordan, and I were basically the ones throwing all of the toilet paper at the crowd.

6.) After they were done I was talking to Jay and a few others, he was drinking out of a Powerade bottle which I knew had some kind of alcohol in it. He hands it to me and tells me to taste the "newest flavor of Powerade."

7.) When he finally realized how much I've had he became very concerned, and a bit surprised. He basically dragged me to the deli across the street to buy me water and pretzels. And then it HIT ME!

8.) My first thought was "OH MY GOD! What the fuck have I done???" It's slowly getting worse and worse and worse. And suddenly I'm so fucked.

9.) Basically I sat down on the floor inside and ate the pretzels and drank the water. Listening to Kissy Kamikaze. A little bit into that I went into the back and sat out on the chairs with Daniella (who Jay basically entrusted me to), her new Irish bf (directly off the boat, apparently), Santina, Nicole, Tanzen, and Jay stayed there for a bit too.

10.) Jordan and Jay C. are out there with their girls, and we're all talking. Everyone is very nice and basically telling me to not worry about it, that everyone does this, and not to worry about it.

11.) Tanzen leaves at some point, and I finally make it back inside. (By this time I think I had drank the first bottle of water, and now I keep peeing and peeing and peeing) The Ray Gradys were playing and were covering Zero Boys, which was amazing. I got up there and was singing with Jay and Jordan on the mic. Haha, the three drunks all on the microphone, so not surprising. I went to sitting on the crates in the back, because my steadiness was uhh... not so good. Jordan and Jay C. are skanking, and Jordan grabs me by my shirt and pulls me off the crate. Right as that happened Jay came over to hit him and actually ended up hitting me in the face, so they quickly grabbed me and pulled me onto my feet and shoved me onto the crate again. Santina let me rest my head on her shoulder and they all made sure everything was cool. It was kinda funny, it didn't bother me at all. My face got numb, and then kinda hurt, but that's fine.

12.) Santina, Nicole, Jay, Daniella, me, and the two twins (who I have now met, they're really cool guys, really nice) were standing on the street (besides me, I'm sitting on the ground resting my head against Jay's knee, who is just kind of petting my head, I think he felt kinda bad).

13.) Santina and Nicole leave and Jay and Charles are now watching me. The guy from the Ray Gradys held the door for me as I pissed because the door wouldn't close to the bathroom. Jay and I walk to get his car, and then we drive back to the show. Jay and Charles basically sit me in the car and I'm feeling a bit more sober. After about 15 minutes and me listening to them talk while they load up the car we're off. We drive up to this bagel place on like 4th ave 20 something. Jay buys me a big cup of coffee, I pee again. By this time my piss is legitimately clear. We're all talking as Jay drives me to Penn, Charles volunteers to make sure I'm fine getting to the terminal. He drops me off, I say good bye to Jay, and thank him and apologize. Charles walks me in and I give him a hug goodbye and he walks off. I go to the bathroom and pee again (holy shit, I probably peed like 8 times in about 3 hours, it was ridiculous).

14.) The train ride wasn't too bad because I spent the entirety of it on the phone talking to Lauren and Nina and Santina on the phone. It was actually quite entertaining.

15.) I get home around 10:30 and pee again. I feel like shit, probably because I haven't eaten anything besides one bag of pretzels since 11 in the morning. I hang with my rents for a bit, I tell them that I think I have a stomach virus.

It was actually a really entertaining night, I had a really good time. It's kind of funny, but I really enjoyed myself. I've never been drunk before, and definitely never had whiskey (Jameson... apparently Endangered Feces really likes it, they call it the nectar of the Emerald Isle). Didn't puke, which I'm impressed with. My guess is that I had approximately 4 or 5 shots, I don't know how much Jameson gets a regular person drunk.

Here are my questions: How much Jameson gets a regular person drunk? How much Jameson makes a regular person puke?

I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was shaking so bad. I realized it was because I was really cold, so I put on a sweatshirt and socks, which made it almost completely stop. I didn't fall asleep until about 1 a.m. or so, and I woke up at 7 a.m.... What the fuck? I'm still feeling a bit off, but eating really really helped me. I need to eat some more. Next time Jay offers me something, I will not be drinking that much and I'm gonna ask him what it is.

Haha, wow, how was your saturday? = )

Here's the video as promised: (BTW, the guy standing behind me laughing, with half a head of hair is Jay C.)

Nectar of the Emerald Isle

I am shaking so bad. This is not even funny. Holy fuck, so this all started when at the show Jay (who is about 35 or 36) handed me "the newest Powerade flavor"... which happens to be Jamieson. Me, being fucking brilliant, thinks, "Oh, it must just be some nasty ass beer or something, so I might as well drink what's left..." There was about a quarter of the bottle filled with it, by the time Jay realized what I had done he was kinda worried. So, basically, I was baby-sat by the rest of the adults and shoved in with all of the drunk 20 somethings... honestly, it was kinda fun. No puking (which is impressive). (I am now jiggling my leg, which is helping me stop my body from shaking, God this is horrible) I have drank about 3 bottles of water and a big to-go cup of coffee. Jay drove me to Penn with Charles, and made sure that I was okay to get home. Fuck, I feel kinda bad, but everyone agreed that it was alright and that everyone at my age ends up like this at some point. Even the use of the word "experimentation" didn't bother me tonight (I mean, I was pretty fucked, so nothing much bothered me). I cannot deal with this. I'll say more about this tomorrow, fuck, right now, I just want to stop shaking and go to sleep.