Dial "M" for Motherfucker

Someone stole my wallet today. I had laughed about it before I had realized it was actually truly missing, thinking: gosh, that crackhead would be disappointed when he realized there was only 13 bucks in it. That cunt charged 100$ on my credit card for the subway. Asshole. The bank, luckily, cancelled the card and is going to refund me the money.

But I guess, at least, the speed tucked in my bedroom drawer is here to keep me entertained and off the many nagging thoughts of all the shit I'm going to have to do in the coming days. I'm on break from school right now until the end of January. It's nice to be away from everything. I've just been reading and hanging out with people.

I've finished two books by my favorite new author in the past 3 days. Tony O'neill is amazing. Read his shit. Ironically, his auto-biography is the least interesting of the 3, I've read. I think I like Down and Out on Murder Mile the best, with Sick City at a close second.

Anyway, hope you guys are having a better day than I am,

Sincerely (and stuff),

- Lucy

NYE, the end of winter break, and the beginning of 2009.

NYE:

As the rest of my friend's partied and my mother got slousched, I sat with my 22-yr-old cousin and watching Discovery Health shows. Having popped the hydrocodone I found in their house, I was feeling alright. I had been popping them for the past few days, which meant that I was very much feeling quite sober. Anyway, it was kind of a bust. Jordan called me and we discussed this girl that we both hate. He hadn't realized how fucked up she was until that day. Yes, it was quite uneventful, but that's okay I guess.

End of winter break:

I want to cry. I don't want to go back to school. I hate school. Fuck school. Mostly I don't want to do homework. I haven't studied at all for my Latin test, and it's tomorrow. Fuck fuck fuck. I wish winter break lasted forever.

The beginning of 2009:

Well, I've spent 3 out of 4 days in 2009 on some kind of drug. I don't know what that will predict for the rest of my year. I smoked with Lauren last night, which was alright. I wish I had just stayed home kind of. Her sisters tarted to fight with Lauren and the rest of her family, she made Lauren cry, and her parents were ready to like beat her. She's such a bitch. Anyway, I'm glad that I'm home now. I was really happy to see my parents. Lauren's sister had percocet cause she had her wisdom teeth out. Sadly, when she left her parents gave her her pills to take with her. Darn. Well, whatever, it would have been great too because she's such a bitch.

An actual post:

I'm reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce for English class. It's a pretty good book. At first I was confused and put off by the style, it's very odd because it starts when he is a child and the style makes it very jumbled like a kid's brain. I'm also almost done with this book Narcisa by Jonathan Shaw. IT'S AMAZING. Honestly, if you enjoy any druggie books, then you will love it. Beyond that, which is the reason I picked it up, it's very odd and poetic (not oddly poetic, though that could apply as well). The main character/narrator is a biker living in Rio De Janeiro who is an ex-heroin addict from way back in the day. He falls in love with this beautiful young girl who becomes addicted to crack. Now the way I just wrote that sounds terrible right? Well, if you pick up the book you'll realize that, as bad as my description was, it was a great book. Also, it's got a lot of references to philosophy, which I dig and cool quotes. If you enjoyed Naked Lunch for those moments when the poetry of what he was saying came through, then you will enjoy Narcisa! = )

At the moment, I'm watching "Bad Girls," which is a show about an all women's prison in England. I first liked watching it because there were English accents involved (also because I found it last year after getting out of the hospital from the abscess and it was on during the day). Okay, I haven't watched in a while. There's this jail guard who is a "smack heid," so of course I'm rooting for him. I feel bad, but he's been able to avoid getting caught. Oh man, he's attractive.

Anthony was annoying me over break, and kept texting me for no reason that I could figure out. And then he was talking about hanging out and I said: Are you trying to get back together? And he said: Do you want to? Well, after me bascially running him around with random shit (due to the goading of my cousins' friend, who I've had a crush on since I was like 12, he's now 34... hey, a girl can dream = ) I told him: no. I told Zack because I felt like he should know. One thing that I was worried about was that Zack would get territorial. I kind of like that in a guy, but I think he would have had to have been having a bad day for him, when him being bipolar really shows (I have those days too, so it's okay). I don't think Zack thinks of Anthony as a real threat. The only thing that I worry about is that, me, without thinking, will end up doing something stupid with a cute punk boy. I have never cheated on anyone before, so it's not like something that's a pattern. I don't know, I say I love Zack, and I really think that I do. Then again, I love all of my friends, so, how could I not love him? I don't know, I'm 17, so it's whatever. Who can say that teenage love is a wholly bad thing?

I would love something to eat right now... Some warm soup and crackers, or reheated Chinese/Japanese food... or a nap. Yeah, a nap sounds lovely. I'm cold and ready to nod out... 

Well, guys, I would much rather read about your New Year's.

Love and luck in the 2009th year of our Lord (more like their Lord, but whatever, I like how it sounds),

Lucy

P.S. I will have a much more exciting post once I see Zack and go into the city on saturday. We're having a dinner at this diner I like with a lot of my friends, going to eat, then drink, and then run amok. = )

Chairman of the Bored

I'm sick from school again today. I feel like shit. I'm freezing and so I've crawled under the covers. I'm feeling a lot better, I woke up and I felt pretty horrible. But, now I'm feeling better. I have off tomorrow anyway, so I'll probably spend that relaxing and whatever. I think I'm going to go to the Bargain Box tomorrow in town and buy some clothes for my halloween costume. 10$ can go a long way there, which is good. I've been reading "Naked Lunch" still, it's confusing. Extremely confusing. I keep trying to make it make sense in my head, but I just can't. It's lots of little stories all crammed together, I have no idea where he is, what's going on, or who the people speaking are. It's still somewhat enjoyable. Every time I think I've understood it, the story changes again. I'm going to see Endangered Feces on sunday, which is cool. This girl I met at the LCB show and then saw again at the Reagan Youth show is going, so she invited me. I'm trying to get Ned to come too and maybe Alexis. Endangered Feces is cool because during their set they always throw lots of toilet paper at the audience, so there always ends up being a big toilet paper fight. It's soooo much fun, I can't wait for the show. = )

Well, not much going on, mostly just boredom. Catch ya on the flip side! = )

Acid Rain

It's a torrential downpour outside, I can hear it from my bed. I'm being very lazy this morning, I've been up for about 2 hours and done nothing but eaten a little and sat up in bed and read. My life is just so exciting obviously. I don't know if I'm going to go the festival today, I may just lay around all day, work on the essay due for tomorrow, read, do some more homework, and maybe play cards with some of my neighbors. Doesn't that sound kinda lovely? Well, to me it does. I have tuesday off, which is another lovely fact. Tomorrow night I have to go to my grandmother's house for Rosh Hashanah, that's always fun, if there isn't any fighting. There has always been fighting at family dinners like that, I remember one year my grandfather told my father that he was not a good father. My dad got so angry that we all had to leave. I don't know why my grandfather thought that, though I probably agree with him. Not that my grandfather was really good, but that's a long story.

I just had to run to the bathroom, my stomach is... cleansing itself. I have been "stopped up" for a few days and I took a laxative. Which is a fucking horrible idea, but at least my stomach doesn't hurt too bad... The thing is that laxatives never work properly on me, it will take way longer than it's supposed to take effect and when it does I can be sick up for close to 3 days. I don't know why I decided that it was brilliant, but I did take one last night. Holy fuck, that was a bad idea, haha. Well, whatever, I'll just deal with it, it was dumb, but once it's over I'll probably feel better.

I'm thinking about buying some weed from Nina, I'm thinking like $10 or $20. I should text her about that, see if she has enough. I have a feeling it will be fine, but I have to talk to her about it today, otherwise I won't get it until Wednesday, and I definitely want it for Tuesday. Without any school I need something for my brain to do. She should have the same stuff as Lauren, so it'll be a good deal.

Yesterday was so nice, though I felt a little out of it until I went to sleep. Usually I feel like it wears off after a while and then I go back to normal, but yesterday it just kept hitting me in waves. I tried to sleep on the sofa but I kept getting ousted by people, which was annoying. I kept having to remind myself that I was doing shit, and opening my eyes. It's that point in time when my eyelids feel as if someone has put glue on the bottom of them, and every time they close I have to struggle to open them again. I'm trying to untangle the events of yesterday, but I really can't, my mind feels so confused. My parents were gone, I was in the sofa and I was watching TV, I kept nodding out and then realizing what I was doing and opening my eyes. They came home and I sat with them for a while, and then Sam came over. Sam and I just shot the shit for a while, discussed Lauren (fuck, that's all that we seem to talk about, all of us), discussed college, watched dumb youtube videos, and baked cookies. I know all of that happened, but the stuff earlier in the day is just like snapshots of time, not really true stuff. Oh yeah, I took a shower in there somewhere, too, totally forgot until a few seconds ago. My rents also brought me home food from a diner, haha, I do remember more now.

"7 Tattoos" is so good, I've devoured it, I've got about 70 pages left. So good, but it has made me wonder something: Did everyone in NYC during the 70s become speed freaks? Every book I read where someone is doing drugs in the city and is alive in the 70s ends up becoming a speed freak. I guess, he was actually a dopefiend during the 70s, and was actually a speed freak in the late 60s. It's weird though, it just seems like everyone was doing speed. Maybe it's just cause the books I'm reading are about drug addicts... couldn't be... = P

Well, I'm off, this was a boring  post.. Nina still hasn't texted me back. Butt slut. Haha, I'll catch you on the flip side. = )

Could this be a country at war?

I laid on my back and rubbed my stomach. The warmth of the old cotton t-shirt I had slept in. I felt like a cat having it's belly rubbed as it lay in a warm spot of sun: content. As I sit up the world begins to move in a weird way and a smile spreads on my face. My mind swims and I want to run through the neighborhood and shout the praises of opiates. I want to scream it to anyone. I feel better, so much better, I think I must be the winner of the world, haha. X plays in my iPod, it's a perfect gray morning. My collarbone itches and itches, I lazily scratch it and I feel amazing. Closing my eyes I feel better. I feel better. I'm reading "7 Tattoos" by Peter Trachtenberg. I love it! I started reading it before I was high, so it's not just the high. It's so good, possibly because we have similar lives or just because it's a fucking excellent book. X continues to serenade me, I'm listening to the album "Hey Zeus!" which is from the early 90s (1993?). I don't think many people know it, but it's very excellent for a gray morning, kind of dark, but good. APPLE kind of reminds me of this album, they have similar sounds. I probably need a shower. I probably need some food. I should fry an egg and make some toast. Suddenly, I'm famished. I bought lucky charms on thursday, I could have some of that too. I should call Anthony later and make sure everything is cool with him, apologize for being annoying. I'm thinking about going over to the festival early on Sunday, like 10 a.m.. He's getting there at 8 a.m. because he's working the radio station's booth. He promised that he would hang out with me for some of that time, I wish he was here. He's so sweet to me. He seemed really happy yesterday, even though we get no time alone (I'm a 17 year old, okay, do you remember being 17? Okay, well, then you understand why we need some time alone, not in school... haha, seriously, though, it's pissing me off) just hanging with him make me happy. We have really ridiculous conversations, we're two good friends if nothing else. I'm so happy, fuck, I wish I could wrap up this feeling of happiness and sip it everyday, just a little. I wish it wasn't chemical, I wish it was just in me, and sometimes it is. In the city it comes out. Walking down the street with the VU playing on my iPod and it's this amazing feeling of contentedness. The city... okay, so here's my biggest problem with the city: me. I have very little experience with dealers, most of the ones I've met have been people I've been friends who were making a little side business, not real dealers. So, to go and have to find one, I mean, I just feel like a dumbass, ya know? It's like I need an instruction manual. I'm good at meeting people and making friends and fitting in fairly well, that's the only good quality that I have in this. Talking to people doesn't bother me, it's more the right people. Fuck, well, I'll just figure it out, I'll eventually meet someone, it's not that hard. Haha, I don't really give a fuck right now. = )

BTW, you need to listen to these two songs: "Baby You Lied" and "Country at War" by X, it's from "Hey Zeus!" They are both excellent songs! = )

It's not a microphone, it's a bong

Justin turned 39 yesterday, that number makes me feel so young. I reminded him that he was 22 when I was born, how creepy. Justin is so old, but I have the biggest crush on him, I can't help it, I get all puppyish around him. Everything he says is like amazing, his band is my favorite, and he's so cute, especially when he's drunk. I don't think about him like that that much... but I mean, he is hot and awesome, haha. Every 39 year old should have some 17 year old lusting after them, if there isn't one then that means you're old. = P

Guess what?!?!? I got my first A in Latin in the past year!!! A 97!!! Only one point off the entire quiz, holy fuck I feel brilliant. = D To celebrate this I got supremely blazed right after school. I went to Lauren's house right after school, whatever she had after the first bowl, I was kinda high. Then we smoked another and I was fucked. She walking into the house and I was looking at her foot, and I swore I saw like yellow liquid come out of her foot and become a droplet on the floor. Her house was also filled with food, we had not idea why, it was so weird (her house never has anything). We took all of these cracked out pictures with the food on her kitchen table. She even let me eat two Cosmic Brownies (my personal favorite, if you know the brand then you understand, I think they are really only stoner food though). I can still fucking feel the shit, I've been feeling very very high all night. It's lessened to the point where I just feel a bit funny now, but I mean, what kinda weed lasts for 8 hours? One thing I have noticed on my exploits to Brooklyn, is that all of the kids there are really lame at smoking. I was taught that you better suck on that pipe until you feel like you're going to explode, and I always hold until at least the person after me is done. Those kid would like inhale for a second and then immediately let it out, I said to Tanzen, "You smoke so daintily." Then again, my first real high moment was at the hands of Nina and Lauren, who stuck me in Nina's shed until we'd smoked probably 6 bowls and her hat was changing colors. That was the most amazing thing, her hat was fucking incredible. We then rolled in the grass and I felt like the sky was really close to me, like I was in a fish-eye camera lens. Haha, that was my first experience being stoned out of my head on weed, my friends like to call me "hard-body" because I smoked as much as they did but I was never as high. That's why I was forced into the shed, and forced to smoke. I think like the last two bowls was me smoking and them standing over me, going "keep going, Lucy, keep going. Come on, you can do it!" Haha, it was like some weird coaching moment, I'm sitting on the floor of her shed trying to get high as fast as I can. I have to say, some of my best memories of my friends have been moments like that, ridiculous times and situations, but we were all so close. We were all really good friends. I really do think there is something fucked up with my tolerance for everything, I've always had a higher tolerance for things than the people around me, it's annoying as fuck. Anytime I've had to dose for the first time it's always iffy, because I never know if it's really going to hit me or if it won't even affect me. It sucks, then again I think it just runs in my family. My cousins have always said, "Your dad can drink Guinness like it's water." Haha, it always made me kinda proud in a weird way, like proud that I have those same genes, and when it comes to that kind of stuff I should be proud. My dad is a genius and good at everything he's ever tried: lettered in 8 sports in high school, straight A student, scored a 1540 on his SATs, amazing jewelry maker and artist, was always able to get women; my dad is just a beast at life. That's I guess what I don't like about his current state, how awesome he once was is now gone, now he sucks at everything. I feel bad, I just want to keep him in that state of awesomeness.

My throat is dry, my mind is bored. I have so much homework this weekend, I can't even believe it. My teachers are fuckers on a major scale, what the fuck is wrong with them? Well, whatever, Anthony is annoying me and I think I pissed him off a bit. I kinda bitched at him for not being able to hang out outside of school, which I know is his parents' fault, but I just can't deal with it. I felt bad afterwards, because I know it's not his fault, but fuck, we need to hang out not in school. Anthony was put on ADD meds even though he doesn't have it, I told him he seemed happy and he said he was on this ADD medication. Haha, I asked him, "so, how's the speed? Are you doing drugs child? I'm going to have to slap you upside your head!" Radio show was good today, life will be good tomorrow. I just want to play Scrabble with Anthony, gosh darn it.

I finished "Beam Me Up, Scotty," which was so good. Whether someone is sober or enjoying the high life, it still works. It almost made me want to clean up my act... almost. Ashley doesn't know when I'm going to be able to come to her group home, but I'm kinda psyched. Sweet kid, I feel bad, sobriety is going to end soon for that one. When she gets out you can just hear it in the way she speaks. I figure that forced sobriety never works, you have to really want it. I was high last night, and it felt so right, it made me feel so much better. Man, this weed is making me so tired, 8 hours later you'd assume I'd be fine, but my head feels so tired. I'm going to bed, night night all you cyber junkies. = )

BTW, if you tell me who wrote the song the post is named after, I'll be forever impressed.

I'm Waiting for the Man

Saturday Morning:

I'm going into the city in two and a half hours. At the moment, I'm all dumb and in love. Haha, oh my god, that's all I can say. I'm feeling very girly right now, so you'll have to excuse all the dumb shit I may say today... I just can't help it! = )

So, yeah, Anthony and I... omg, I really do think I love him. I know, I know, I sound like every 17 year old, okay, but here's the thing: I've made sure never to say that unless I really believed it, and so I never have. I know that lots of teenagers say it to whoever they date, but not I. He is amazing. We couldn't hang out yesterday and so as I'm driving by where he's standing a block away from the school I pull over. His mother calls, which basically results on him shouting into his phone. I really thought he was going to smash it, he was so pissed off at her. Anyway, she was being a bitch and not letting him come over to my house. So, I made the decision to go with him to the radio station. We hung out with everyone, which involved fixing a mixing board for a good two hours and just generally hanging around. Then, around 4:45 he realized that he had his radio show that day. What the fuck? I thought it was starting next week. Hold on, let me call my parents. "Anthony, this is really good then we can hang until 7." So, I became his radio assistant, he allowed me to pick some songs and he picked some of my favorites:

-The Passenger - Iggy

-Cretin Hop - Ramones

-Beat My Guest - Adam and the Ants

-Drive My Car - The Beatles

-Search and Destroy - Iggy

and more. He looked so in control, flicking the switches shuffling through PSAs and Promos that he had to do. Whenever he had to go on air he would get all nervous and stutter a little, but it was cute. And then when we finally had to leave, he kissed me and then gave me a hug. Haha, omg, I really do love him. Holy FUCK!!! Haha, I wish he was here right now. That's the only thing I can think when he's not around. I was thinking about it in the studio how I would get clean for Anthony, I really would. I've been really dumb and been listening to my favorite dumb love songs. Yes, I am a girl, I am 17, and yes I do have a playlist of all of my favorite dumb love songs. Oh, Anthony... Damn, I wish he was here. = )

The city will be fun today. We're going to go book shopping, one for my dad, a few for me. Tanzen wants to buy a bong (after 3 months of planning on it). So, it shall be an interesting day. My house is freezing at the moment, so I hope outside isn't as cold. My dad turned off the AC (Iuppiter!), but no heat so I woke up and was like Oh my god... why is it so cold? This feels like December. Even with the heat on our house is freezing in December and January. I figure I'll wear my Misfits shirt, my a pair of jeans, my docs, probably my main jacket

Sunday night:

The story of the rest of saturday is pretty long, but I'll try to sum it up as best I can. Tanzen and I met at Union Square. We went to Strand and bought some books about junkies (I had a list of books that I wanted). Afterwards we went to lunch at this place called Moonstruck on 3rd Ave and East 5th Street. Her friend Sean meets us, who wants to go cop weed uptown. He can't remember the name he gave the dealers on his phone, so as we eat he sorts that out. The guy he thinks is the best is not picking up and not returning the texts he keeps sending from Tanzen's phone. Finally he decides we'll just go meet the other guy, who apparently skimps on the amounts. As we're walking towards the subway the guy he really calls Sean. He almost began to dance in the middle of the sidewalk as he answered the phone. We hopped on the subway (I loudly protested going to get the wed, stoners in general, and me having to pay money for the subway). They both coughed up money for me riding the subway (if you're going to drag me to cop drugs than you're going to pay for the subway ride... haha). We get into Grand Central Station and we walk out of the terminal. After Tanzen goes to pee and we find a way out, we begin to walk over. My boot begins to hurt my leg, it's pinching the tendon on the side of my leg. So, we continue on, I stop every few steps and rub my leg or express the pain that feels like a hot knife being shoved into my leg. When we reach where we're supposed to meet the guy we don't see him. He calls Sean and tells him to meet him up a street. I sit on the scaffolding that happens to be there. This fat half-Japanese, half-white kid walks up. He has black ringlets sprouting under a backwards baseball cap. His body is covered in a black sweatshirt with a dragon embroidered on the back. Two goons, who happen to be his friends, just walk up the block past us. I had a feeling that they were most likely muscle, just the way they appeared. Tanzen and I stand on the corner as Sean and Tommy (the dealer) walk down the street and exchange green for green. Sean meets up with us and Tommy continues strolling down the street, his friends have walked up the street past where we had all stopped. As quickly as the deal had gone down, we now walked down the streets at a clip. After some persuasion I decided to stay the night in Brooklyn with Tanzen and get "smoked up." Tommy keeps calling Sean, so Sean refuses to pick up because he isn't really excited about the news. After we get about 5 blocks away he finally picks up one of the calls. Apparently he owes another $10 or some of the weed. Sean isn't sure whether to split or meet up with Tommy. Our vote decision is: RUN! Haha, we begin to jog pretty quickly down the streets towards Grand Central, which of course is where the expect us. Tommy is right in front of us suddenly and him and Sean walk down the street. Tanzen and I stand around the corner in front of a glass storefront. We can't see what's going on, but our first instinct is to see if Sean is getting beat up. Suddenly, Tanzen and I scurry behind them and sit beside them as Tommy takes some of the weed. Sean and Tommy slap hands in a "everything is cool" kinda way and we walk off.

Sean needs to go weigh out the weed to divide it up equally between him and Tanzen, so we have to go to his house. Instead of all of us getting out of the subway and having to pay again, Tanzen and I sit on a bench in the subway and I read to her from a book called "Beam Me Up, Scotty." It's about a crackhead, and it's amazing! I love this book, I was worried I would hate it because it was about crack, but it's actually really good. It's also about him getting sober. It's set on the LES, so I know everywhere that they keep talking about. I like that because most books are about places I've never been to, but this is somewhere I have my own thoughts about everywhere he's running. Anyway, after a half an hour Sean reappears and we get back on the subway and walk to Tanzen's house. Sean takes a cigarella he has, he takes the brown paper from the outside and uses it to rap up this giant blunt. As we sit in Tanzen's house, Tanzen and I have to breathe on the paper to keep it moist. 

Finally, we get out of there and walk over to Prospect Park to meet up with Sean's friend Jacob. After meeting up with Jacob, one of those moments where you shake hands are told each other's names and think to yourself "this information will never help me, but I'll take it anyway." We wait for another 3o minutes until we can go to his other friend Nahim's house, which is right down the street. We have to sneak down behind his house through this alleyway and into the back of his basement. After about 5 minutes of us just waiting there Nahim appears. We smoke it all and the 3 foot by 7 foot room is filled with white smoke. This is supposed to be purple kush, which should be impressive or something but does nothing to me (I think someone got ripped off... haha). Sean decides he needs a piss, so Nahim leads him out of the tiny room into the unlight and stuff filled basement to the bathroom. Suddenly there is a lot of loud banging and Nahim yells out to us to get out here. Sean is unable to stand, he is hitting everything. My first thought, being a lovely young junkie, is Fuck this, I barely know the guy, Tanzen and I can leave him here for Nahim to deal with it. That's what I honestly thought. Nahim is trying to shepard him out of the basement but he is almost unable to stand. Suddenly you see him stiffen up and fall head first into a pile of tools. The most amazing face plant I have ever seen. He looked dead. After we clamber out and drag Sean out of the basement, Tanzen took his right side and I took his left and we brought him back on to the sidewalk. We had to keep telling him to walk and he kept complaining that he wanted to sit down. Finally, we sat him down on a bus terminal bench and we all began to stare at this giant poster of Janice Dickinson's show, it was extremely puzzling. I analyzed it for what seemed like 10 minutes. Sean was now able to walk, so we brought him to where we usually met up with him and almost ran back to Tanzen's house for dinner.

Dinner was hard because I was high and I had to make sure to act normal and look people in the eye and say normal things. I thought I was going to die. Anyway, after that we played cards until Saturday night came on, and after 10 minute I began to nod out (that's what it felt like, haha, it was nutty, I smoked way too much) and so Tanzen and I headed up to bed at 12.

The next morning we talked about shit, read some more of the book, discussed the night before. She is very very disapproving of my continued desire for an H dealer in the city (hah, we're calling it Mission H). I guess that's not surprising. On the ride home I listened to the Velvet Underground until I finally was home. I worked on the common app and did homework.

A few questions still remain:

1. What else was Sean on, which caused him to literally just fall to the ground? I have never seen someone that fucked up on weed before. To me it looked like someone who had taken too much smack. He wasn't in the bathroom for him to have done that though. I don't know what it was, but it was fucking obnoxious as shit.

2. Will I ever actually get around to seriously trying to score? I've been very distracted about that goal, it's sad, but a serious goal. Hey, don't judge me people! (haha)

3. How will the visit's to Ashley's group home go? She is a level one now, so she can have guests (I will be her first, how cool is that?). I have to fill out the form tomorrow.

4. I'm seriously considering getting clean... Am I serious? Haha, for that answer and many others, tune in to tomorrow when Lucy describes the lingering problems and annoyances of high school! See ya soon folks!

Adult Books

DOPE (and other drug) BOOKS:

1. "Tales from the Geronimo" by Scott Frank - My favorite book of all time. I picked it up for $3 in a used book store. It may be hard to find, but it's well worth it. I've read it probably 5 times.

2. "Trainspotting" by Irvine Welsh - It's amazing! But you probably already know that. Renton is amazing and I love him more and more every time I read it.

3. "Candy" by Luke Davies - Australian dope fiends. My first dope book, I've read it twice. Very entertaining and a generally good read.

4. "Junky" by William S. Burroughs - Classic. I feel like it's interesting mostly because of the setting and the words they use. Occasionally hard to understand, though you can usually get the general gist. (For example, how much is a grain? I've never heard any measurement called that.)

5. "Speed/Kentucky Ham" by William S. Burroughs Jr. - Honestly really really interesting. About a teenager about my age, but the length of time they talk about is very vague and confused because of the heavy use of speed. I almost found it more interesting than "Junky" (that's probably a sin, but whatever).

6. "Ecstasy" by Irvine Welsh - The stories are really interesting, funny, and bizarre. Very very good read. Interesting even though it focuses on e. Renton makes a cameo in one of the stories.

7. "Porno" by Irvine Welsh - Not really a drug book, but it is the sequel to Trainspotting. Mostly focuses on coke.

I feel like I've read way more, so I'll come back later and edit it when I think of the others. = )

Pulling a "Sicky"

Okay, so here is what I am thinking about on my day home from school: A) I need to finish my homework, B) I need to get better, and C) I need to get my life more in order. My biggest problem is that I need to figure out which path I want to take. If I'm going to care then I have to get myself cleaner. I don't need to quit completely, just get my life in a more orderly way. I feel like the whole idea of getting clean is really something that I'm always hearing other people say, and I feel like I should have some big goal. But I don't. I don't have any desire to get clean, if anything I would rather use more. I like being high, I'd rather be high. I feel better about everything, I know that's not a good reason, but does there have to be a reason. As Scott Frank says, "Why care?" (that's an approximation, I can't find the exact quote). I don't care. I don't think there is really anything I'm going to gain from getting clean. That's the problem, I'm not gaining anything, maybe a bit less worry. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment, I just don't see the point in getting clean because there doesn't appear to be any large benefit. The only obvious one is that I think I'm worrying Tanzen. She hasn't said it in that many words, but she seems to be very circumspect about my present circumstances. I feel bad about maybe giving her something to worry about, I figure I'll shut up the next few months and then she'll chill.

I guess my biggest crossroads, is whether to stay on the straight and narrow path off to college and being studious. Or to just not give a shit anymore. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do next summer. I have a feeling that it will be a defining factor in my life. We're all discussing big plans and everything else, but I wonder if we will all end up picking our paths right then. We're talking about maybe getting an apartment in the village or maybe going to Dublin. Some many options...

In completely other and more uplifting news: I'm reading this book called "Brass" by Helen Walsh, which about this girl Millie whose at Uni in London. She can make this decision to either continue on her path of over drinking, over drugging, over prostitute seeking (she's a lesb'in), and under achieving. Or actually getting her shit together and graduating college. Holy fuck, remind you of anyone, besides the drinking, the lesbianism, the prostitutes, and the under achieving. It's not so bad, not amazing either, but oh well. It's an okay drug book, mostly coke and e. She's kinda dumbass, but it's at least mostly entertaining. I've got about 50 pages left to read, so I may finish it today if I have the time.

I had a dream last night that my family found my stash. A few nights ago I had a dream that my parents were sending me to 'hab, which apparently was hilarious (during the dream I couldn't figure out why it was so funny). I hate them, they are so vivid and scary. 

I think I'm going to make a posting of my favorite drug books, because I have read a number and some are excellent. I probably shouldn't be focusing on drugs, I should be focusing on Latin or Environmental Sciences.

That's the Story of My Life

I'm in a hotel room in Chicago right now. My mother is sitting on the other bed as we stare at NBC and the Olympic stats run across the screen. I'm very tired, I haven't really done much, but I can feel sleep hanging over my head, weighing my thoughts down. The hotel is depressing, there is a facsimile of niceness which has simply failed to stick. This whole idea of an attempt at beauty, an attempt at luxury, is depressing because I wonder who really likes this place. I wonder who stays here and feels like it is grand. I hope these people do not exist. I walked down the hallway last night, slowly, the electric lights casting a green glow over everything they shone upon. I dragged my feet and wondered. In the silence of the hallway I could hear myself move, I could hear the walls talk. I thought of Scott Frank, sleeping in the decrepit Geronimo. Walls pealing, wind hot, and the dope hotter. Sitting on his balcony and staring out over Arizona, I thought of how I could live that life. With no ties to the past or the future, the here and now resting in the bottom of your spoon, and your place to lay your head a hotel. There is something romantic about living in a hotel, the idea of watching other people change while your situation stayed static. I'm going to talk to Tanzen next time I see her, I miss her and I hope to God that we can get a minute to discuss some upcoming plans. She's met some new people, and with that we can move from there. I guess there will be more details about that soon.

Well, my stomach feels like it's about to explode, so I have to stop all of this blah-blah-blahing. I'm sure you have more interesting things to do. = )

Ludlow St. and Beat My Guest

The men on the screen are running in slow motion. Slowly their faces contort in ecstasy or defeat, human emotions have slowed to a crawl. It's 11:54 p.m. on sunday night, August 17th. I looked at one of my old journals last month and I found the entry documenting my first experience with opiates. Haha, which basically boiled down to me puking and my father standing in the doorway asking if I was alright. Slowly I watched as my posts degenerated into me speaking about not giving a shit anymore, it's weird; the human emotions again are slowed to a crawl. I'm thinking that I'll send my self off to an opiate fuzz tomorrow possibly. The city is always better high. Those classic scenes become more classic, more epic. You feel yourself and the city become one. The village is like my home away from home, I watch the faces change skipping from person to person. The tourists are ugly and fat, walking slowly, staring at maps, but the true New Yorkers hold a beauty for me. It's like seeing long lost family, the resemblance is suddenly apparent, one which you had never been aware of before. I'm excited for the show, some good old loud and fast punk. My friend Lauren shall be a bit disturbed, I like taking her to punk shows, mostly because she listens to so much folky-indie-noise stuff. Some of it I don't really mind, but some of it I hate. We're going to see Dr. Dog next Tuesday after I get home from college visits, so that should be interesting. I like Dr. Dog, but it will mean probably a lot of hipsters, which is never a good thing. I hate hipsters. They pollute all that the city stands for, they are true trash. I want to grab them by the face and run their teeth along the curb. Hipsters come to shows to be cool, to pretend. Sure, maybe all of us are pretending to some extent in life, but their lives are facades erected and buffed into little "pseudo-intellectual" pieces of shit. I'm psyched for the show though, I have almost no money. My parents gave me $25, which will cover my train ticket and metrocard, and half the ticket. It's $10, which isn't bad but isn't great. I really can't wait for that Reagan Youth show in september, that will be fucking fun. That's only $8 and starts at 4 and is on a saturday, which means that it is perfect.

I'm reading Ecstasy by Irvine Welsh, which is pretty good. I really like Irvine Welsh, definitely one of my favorite authors. I'm on the third short story on the collection. Obviously, they all have someone taking ecstasy in them, something which I never have any desire to do. Ecstasy has never had any appeal for me, even when offered it by friends I've always figured it was a waste of money. I prefer when he writes about heroin, but what can I say, Trainspotting is one of my favorite books ever. However, if you want to read a good book about heroin, Tales from the Geronimo by Scott Frank is my personal favorite of all time. It's hard to come by, I bought it in a used book store a few years ago, but if you can find it definitely read it. It's to the point where whenever I'm high and in need of some reading I open it up. You could probably recite a passage and I could tell you exactly where he was and what he was doing it. It's an auto-biography which is a nice quality. I wrote a book report it for one of my English classes, haha, my cover art was a needle full of blood spraying it out into a nice pool. It's ironic when people would ask me why I wrote about this kind of shit, and I would just let it kind of roll around in my mind and give some dumb answer. I think it's funny, people questioning me about it and getting to lie.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about life. I seriously shouldn't complain, things are going okay, as long as I focus and don't fuck up anything too badly I should be okay for a few more months. I have to keep a low profile around my parents, I'm getting careless, which will only end up badly.

So, I'm posting two videos, the first one is of a Blackout Shoppers performance. The first song they perform is my favorite of theirs, I love it. The next video is the song "Beat My Guest" by Adam and the Ants, which is just so catchy. I was wandering around the house signing There's so much happiness behind these tears, yeah BEAT ME, BEAT ME OHD OHD OH-ohoh.... Watch both and be entertained for a few more minutes.