I'm One

Humidity hung thick, as we walked back down the street to find the deli for more beer. The empty blocks of warehouses covered in graffiti and piss reverberated as I yelled how all I wanted were some drugs, please. I guess it wasn't really helping the situation, as we stumbled 200 feet behind a friend and her two acquaintances (allegedly I kicked one of the acquaintances in the head, after announcing that I wouldn't), making sure not to draw any attention to ourselves. They disappeared into a store about a block ahead of us, which we followed them into.

WE HAD FOUND IT.

THE CLOSEST DELI.

Yeah, I know. Pretty anti-climactic. Sorry about that. I wanted to draw you guys in, I guess. I'll recap the last few months as quick as I can:

-dated really sweet guy, forced to break up with him because he was too needy

-dropped acid for the first time--I now understand the squirrels (we climbed trees all day in Central Park)

-ran out of speed

-bought pot for the first time in ages

-offered speed by a friend, who sadly ended up leaving for a trip before I could procure it from her

-was given NuVigil by another friend to help counteract the inability I have to being awake before 12:30

-and am now sitting here... recuperating from a night of beer, punk shows, and fights (not me fighting, but everyone else around us, at one point I was in a hallway with a fight going on at each end).

I've been journaling a lot, sadly not on here. (by a lot, I mean for the past few days on the train).

I'm gonna keep posting stuff here though. I'm just bored, and empty. Like, it's not the depression kind of empty, it's the when-I-look-to-gage-my-emotions-there-doesn't-seem-to-be-any-occurring empty. I'm excited to try the NuVigil, I just need to entertain my brain some more. I'm hopefully getting money to buy coke with this week. My friend has really good connects, and so I'm going to share a bit with her as a finders fee. I figure that's only fair, seeing as how she's working at this cafe with me, and new hires don't get paid for like a month and a half after they start. I don't know, I'm hoping that will entertain me for long enough.

Anyway, I'm mad tired, and distracted by some crazy vampire movie on SyFy...

I'll post later after I try the NuVigil and maybe about the acid.

Night kids!

- Lucy

P.S. Anyone get raptured yesterday?

I got a Gibson, without a case, but I can't get that even-tanned look on my face, ill-fitting clothes and I blend in the crowd, fingers so clumsy, voice too loud, but I'm one, I am one, and I can see that this is me, and I will be, you'll all see I'm the one...

Hightime

I'm high. My mosquito bites are itching like no other. That's what you get for smoking weed in the woods at dusk. It's alright though. I kinda forced my friend to go to the woods to smoke, I like it there. It's quiet and calm, lots of bunnies and raspberry bushes. When I was a kid, my best friend's family always went hiking in the woods every weekend and I'd go with them. Walking across fallen trees, and picking berries, and running after the dogs. I know being from New Jersey, people don't think of that kind of shit, but that's how my child hood was. That's how my town is. It's all surrounded by woods. Behind my friend's house, there's a reservoir in the middle of the woods. We went swimming there a week ago. We smoked right before, and I only went in to my waist. I don't like how weed makes me feel anymore, almost ever. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep, I sweat, feel like I'm gonna puke. I don't know why.

Mike and I aren't dating anymore. He relapsed. He didn't tell me. A mutual friend did after we broke up. The last time we were dating and hanging out, I knew he was high. His eyes were pinned from first seeing him. When we were on the bus, he said he had some oxy. He then proceeded to show me the pills as we sat side by side. I didn't really want to do them. And I said that. But I also didn't want HIM to do them, however, I knew not to say that. If you've had your mind set on it, you're bound to do it. He popped them both in front of me. Now, first off, he called them "roxy" which they're not. They're not roxycodone, which I did a few years ago, they're little blue coated pills--with an ambien like shell. They're oxy. The same kind I did tonight. Fuck man, I don't even know if I want to continue this story. He scratched his stomach until it bled later on. He dumped over the entire ash tray as he nodded off. He treated me like shit. I would rather been booted in the face, than go through that again. Fuck. Whatever. I saw him two weeks later at this big show they have every year in NYC, called "Punk Island." It's fun. Hot. Poorly planned. But free. It's fucking punk island, you can't expect much more. He was surprised when I wasn't "friendly" towards him. His eyes were pinned. He looked at me dull and glazed, and I threw fire at him. I didn't want to see him.

I haven't been high in a long time. On oxy. I did try speed for the firs time like a week ago. And when I said speed. I mean SPEED. Dextroamphetamine. Actually, I got a hold of some shit from the 70s, these dexamyl capsules. What they are is a combo of dextroamphetamine and amobarbitol. Basically, the speed keeps you wired/happy/talkative, while the barbiturate keeps the edge off and is supposed to help you get to sleep. Well, I was up for like over 24 hours, by the end I wanted to kill everyone in sight. C'est pas bon. I don't know, I have two more, I told my friend that we'd do them for this concert that's coming up in August. Should be interesting if nothing else.

Also, the most interesting news of recent, is that I am dating someone new. I'll call him P. He's cute, funny, driven (he's in 3 fucking bands, and has a full time job, and does stand up comedy), 28, and super fucking nice to me. I mean, he's just an all around great guy. Which is what I need after all of Mike's drama. But he only like smokes weed and drinks beer. So, I don't want to do drugs while with him... this is the first time. I got it in my head. I had a pill. Whatever. Just once, without talking to him or anyone else (besides all of you... or just myself... or whoever ends up reading it), isn't so bad.

I feel shitty about myself. I guess. I don't know how I landed him. Everyone is so fucked up and yet not. I've made some more friends in the punk scene, which is cool, and I guess normal. There's this one girl though, she reminds me of my friends from high school who were all super druggies. Like, I have to say, I have a sense about teenage girls who do drugs. There is just a vibe. I don't know. This morning I woke up. P laid there curled up facing away from me. It was one of his two days off per week, I wanted to let him sleep. I looked at him though, and I just felt like he didn't want me (now remember he's sleeping) to touch him. Like he just wanted to get away from me. And I laid there, and thought to myself Yeah, you're just a junky piece of shit. He doesn't want to be anywhere near you, you junky piece of shit. ETC. ETC. ad infinitum. That's the one mantra that I have. It fucking goes off whenever I feel unwanted. I do believe it and I don't. It's strange. I feel good though. For now. Fuck I feel good. It doesn't bother me right now. Nothing does. I feel a bit guilty, or I will, or I did, but right now I don't.

I watched the skyline pass by my train window tonight. The sky was a green gray and I felt like it all made sense. Because it does. I am home. Here. America. New Jersey. My hometown. New York City. And as I sit besides my friend on the curb side, her head sagging against her knees and she drunkenly sleeps, I know that there is no other place for me to go. I am simply here.

I hope you all have a lovely 4th of July!

This probably is super disjointed. I will add more sense to it sometime this week. I promise. I'm going to try and blog once a week from now on. I think it's good for me.

Check ya later,

- Lucy

Wicked Gravity

It's what I think I like to have, haha. No just kidding... okay, so it's 11:04 am... I've been awake for 14 minutes. Kind of. I wake up periodically during the morning, and once I've decided it's enough I wake up completely. Technically, I first woke up this morning at 6 am, since I left the black out curtains open and only the sheer one was left--if my room wasn't on the first floor (European) and so easy to see inside I would've left both curtains open.

It's now 11:24 and I have tea and chocolate rice crispies... yeah. The smell of weed is climbing from the concierge below me and through the cracks beneath my window. Smells pretty good. I wouldn't mind a hit. Perhaps. I'm very weird about weed, not much of a fan in general. I started snorting percocet at the same time my best friend (and in turn, me) started smoking weed, and I didn't get it. I just didn't understand why you would want to have such a shitty high. Didn't make any sense to me, still kind of doesn't. But, I still enjoy it occasionally, as long as I don't smoke too much because I have a tendency to get burnt out--which always feels to me like someone is just squeezing my skull until it's supposed to pop and that the world is way too much for me to even understand, and usually I just try and sleep it off. It reminds me of how it used to be when I would take vicodin all through out the week and then not do it on the weekends. I would just get super intense headaches, and at first I didn't connect the two.... because I was a retarded 16 year old.

Anyway, it's now 11:46 and I have to work on this paper showing Jim Carroll "my Paris." I've decided that I might as well take a little to get me in the right mindset. Haha, or something like that. Something incredibly false. I don't know, I'm doing the math... as per my usual neuroses. 3 codoliprane = 60 mg/30 = 2 pills of 5mg of hydro. Isn't that beautiful? I did place out of college math, guys, I'm obviously a true winner.

12:03... my friends just got back from Barcelona and Rome. And apparently, I'm going to go get sushi tonight. It's expensive, but I didn't buy any chicken at the grocery store because it was all expired already. I have 20 euros in cash... so... yeah. Fuck, I need to refill my navigo today, so that I don't have to wait online on Monday. A Navigo is like a metro pass, you buy a month or two weeks, and whatever zones in Paris/the banlieurs you travel through. I only have to buy two weeks because in two weeks I will be home! Home and free and probably asleep, since it will be around 6 am. Mike will hopefully be there, also hopefully asleep, he usually doesn't sleep very easily, besides when I'm around or when he's high. And we need to avoid that last part, haha...

Fuck, okay, I'm going to start this paper and not go back to sleep, which is what I did yesterday, but that was because I was upset. If I get upset, I can make myself go to sleep, and so that's what I do and pretend that it's not going on.

Check ya guys later!

- Lucy

ADDENDUM:

2:13 pm... my friend got back from Amsterdam yesterday and brought back weed. I love having friends who will trade drugs for hanging out.

Umm... Happy New Year... or something like that...

Okay, so because I suck at doing this right now... I'm just gonna make a list of awesome shit happening...

-Seeing Mike on Saturday for the first time in 4 MONTHS.

-Punk show my friend set up for me the next Saturday, all of my fav bands are playing.

-Punk show the weekend after that which I set up.

-Seeing all of my friends...

-Hopefully getting to jam before I go back to Paris...

-Oh yeah, and I've been sober from all stupidity for 2 and a half like legitimate months or so... and I was really worried I would fuck it up when I got home, but I haven't, and I don't plan on it.

- IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A NEW AWESOME DECADE... I go between really freaking the fuck out about the new year to be excited. I'm excited. A bit scared, but excited nonetheless.

- I wrote a whole paper for school about when I first started doing drugs and the lying that goes along with it. I talked about Laura ODing and dying, and about me being one of the lucky ones, and blah blah blah other self-obsessed crap... I did end up getting an A- on it though.

I really want to do drugs. I do. But then I try to remind myself that it'll only make me feel like terrible crap afterwards. That'll I'll get high for a while and push myself down into a hole afterwards. I'm gonna do my best to keep away from drugs, because I feel like the longer I stay sober, the better my moods will be, and the easier it will be to keep away.

An entire life of no getting really high? It sounds kind of sucky. But, I'm gonna keep trying to not think of that aspect and instead focus on just keeping it up for now.

Everyone at my school knows, my friends have called me a "drug addict," talked about my "track marks" (these kids wouldn't know track marks if they had them on their own arms, but I'm trying not to really yell at them or get offended), and enjoy reminding me not to do drugs. It's good in some ways and bad in others. I mean, I just hate that name "drug addict." I don't know, I try not to rock the boat because they mean well. I definitely am glad to have people looking after me.

One of the times when I took all of this codeine in Paris (haha, okay, so retarded... I'd never tried it and I decided to just get high, so this was my easiest method) I had basically an allergic reaction. My face grew flushed, I was hot, and itchy. Not like the regular kind of itch, a terrible completely overwhelming itching which covered my sweaty, red face and body. I took some cough syrup because it had antihistamine and suddenly it all went away. After that, I never had a problem with taking that shit again. It was extra bad because 2 of my friends were there and had no idea what was going on. One of my friends, had lots of "druggie" friends back home, so I'm sure she guessed something, I'd also told her about my past. But my other friend, Susana, I'm sure had no idea what was going on. I felt kind of bad, but I was fairly high afterwards, so it was fine with me.

So, it's now time to bring in 2010... a new decade. The first no opiated New Years for me since I started doing drugs. I'm gonna get drunk, and I probably won't really smoke any weed. I got way too high last night. Lauren told me it was called "creeper weed," because you'd smoke some and then a few minutes later you would get a lot higher and you wouldn't notice. I was literally like special ed level last night. Lauren even told me as much. I don't think I can handle it. It really made me depressed and it just sucked in some ways. But I have a few beers (aka 2) and some rum (aka about 4 shots...), and I will drink all of this and then Nina is bringing a bottle of vodka, so I'll be well taken care of. I would rather get high, but not happening.

Anyway, I hope you all have an awesome New Year's!

- Lucy = )

Back to square 1.

I smoked some hash, so I haven't decided if it means me breaking my sobriety or not. I'd like to say 35 days! But... I don't think I can. I don't think I believe it. So, I'll start over again. Today is day 1. Anyway, here's this thing I wrote, I'm really digging it, I think it definitely captures how I'm feeling at this point in my life:

It's that over-powering tug of war that you play in your mind. One side of you is dragging you by the arm, as you're kicking your feet trying to stop them from taking you away, and your heels are dragging, but you can't seem to stand back up, so you're just kind of flailing there. And the other side of you is trying not to get kicked, and just wants to grab a hold of your feet, but it's forced to dodge the blows you're about to give it. Hands darting in and out, around your soaking wet sneakers, unable to grasp them.

The snow is cold, and it seeps into your pants, slowly the black asphalt is sloughed away, where you've been struggling. The sky is really dark, pitch black. A few clouds are there, but the moon can't seem to be seen and it's so cold. That smell of crisp winter keeps hitting you in the face, smacking the inside of your nose. But the struggle continues.

And when I stare down into the face of temptation, where the decision has to be made, that part that's dragging me away always seem to win. No matter how much I flail and flop about and try hard to stand back up, I'm being taken off my feet at every move. My friend becomes my enemy, and they hold in their hands the key to my destruction. I stare at it. I feel that dirty feeling. It's creeping back again. Over my shoulder, into my hair, through my ears, and swathing my brain in warm cotton. I stare at it. It's not my first choice.

And my other friend is pulling my arm for me stand up, to get going, to back away from it. But I can't. It's filling my eyes. My brain is locked in. I've got that junky tunnel-vision. Nothing is going to stop me from this. All other logical senses are shut off, as the brain back-fires and restarts trying to pull the plan together.

My arm feels a weird ache and I think back. Back to the bathroom and the needle and the simple formula. I miss it. I feel it in my face and my brain and my heart feels like someone's stomping on it, like you've ripped it out and shoved it back in at the wrong angle. And all I can feel is want. No emotion seems to rest in me besides need and desire and that feeling of emptiness.

The future seems empty. Without that feeling to push me forward. On towards Tuesday, and Friday, and Sunday, towards the day when I will feel this on my own.

And so I sit in the Parisian park with my friends. It's cold and dark out and the lights are glowing. Our drinks are warm and our throats burn. So I stare at the hash. I think about 35 days. I reflect on the fact that I haven't been clean for this long since I kneeled at the foot of the toilet, that first time at 16, heaving out bile with my father in the door way asking if I was alright.

So I put it to my lips and inhale. And now all that's left is a need. It's worse than before. I can't take it. Those thoughts pile in again.

Still I'm there, struggling in the snow, with my arms pulled up above my head, and my stomach exposed to the bite of the cold wind. I wonder if it's better to just let them drag me off, to give in, it seems like less of a hassle at the moment.

But I remember, it'll only get worse when it's gone. All of these moments will only double ten-fold, and I won't even stand a chance, so I continue the struggle. I know it's futile. Maybe one day, I'll finally be able to wriggle out on to the asphalt, turning around and stand up, to limp home and hang my damp clothes in the bathroom. That bathroom that used to be my home away from home, but now it's just a bathroom and a memory. You can still see the specks of blood on the light fixture if you look up there, I couldn't clean them all off. I wouldn't want them to go though, I need to know that it wasn't a dream. Not something I cooked up in a teenager's head for some poor excuse for attention. Teenage angst crushed into a vein, and splattered up on the walls.

I can't tell if I want the struggle to end. At the moment, I'll keep flailing and flopping, just to make sure I have enough time to finally make up my mind.

Sometimes I read the blogs of people who have kids that are junkies. I feel bad for them. I feel bad for my parents, too, in a way. I don't know. Weird shit. It doesn't hit home so much for me, cause of my parents really ignoring the facts. And that pisses me off now, because if someone had really tried to stop me, I might not be having as hard a time. I know, I can't blame other people. And I'm not. It was my choice. But at 16, I really didn't realize what I was getting into fully. It's some dumb shit.

I can't sleep right now. Laying in bed, pulling at my skin, curling into a ball, trying to make the thoughts go away. It's so much need right now. It's unbearable. It's like I want to crawl out of my own skin. That hash has made my cravings 20 times worse. I think about drinking some vodka, to help me sleep, but that is BAD. BAD BAD BAD. I can't use alcohol like that. I will become an alcoholic. I really need to finish that bottle off, and get alcohol out of my room. I feel like I"m about to rip off the skin on my face and arms and stomach, just grabbing at it and pulling on it. I can't take tonight. All of my muscles want to tense up and I just want to curl up into a ball and get high. I need to get high. But mostly, right now, I need to sleep.

What keeps me from getting high, if you're really wondering, is that I'm really fucking afraid of scoring on the streets. Especially in a country where I don't know the language, it's just scary. And in NYC, although I know the language, I don't know, I'm too nervous about getting ripped off on the streets or getting arrested. Damn, I want it so bad right now.

Hopefully, I can get over the hump... the one good thing is that, a little hash, isn't gonna take me back to square one depression wise. I'm just hoping the intensity of my cravings goes away in a few days (preferably tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath).

Anyway guys, I'll talk to you tomorrow, hope you have a better night than I am!

- Lucy

Kicks

Fuckedy fuckedy fuck. Tomorrow is prom. No. I shit you not. Tomorrow is prom. I am having some issues dealing with the stress of getting all ready and shit for it. Also all of the money its costing me is driving me up a tree, its driving me bananas.

What's more concerning is that my entire class, including me and my friends, are going down the shore for the weekend. This is obviously gonna be a lot of fun, and I am excited to get retardedly drunk (but not puking) with my friends (who I will most likely have to clean up after, because they are self-proclaimed light-weights). Haha, its kind of adorable (until they puke). We're buying an 8th and I think bringing down 2 30-packs (but I think I'm gonna see about getting some Bud and some PBR, because apparently my friends don't like appealing beer). What I am concerned for is that someone is going to get arrested. And possibly me, or one of my close friends. This will mean a lot of annoying shit for some of us to deal with, and a lot of terrible repercussions. I can't get in trouble because I need a visa for studying in France next year. Anyway, I'm trying not to have a panic attack, which is making me pine for some medication, but there is none to be found, so I keep just sleeping it off. The only thing that I have been taking to help is Ambien CR because it takes my focus away from the panicky feeling and onto the thought of something for my brain to snack on until I fall asleep for a long while.

The only real news I have to report on the topic of drugs is:

A) I have done coke. I was so drunk and hopped up on Amp (I was trying to sober up using energy drinks), that I barely felt it. But I DID feel the hangover the next day, and it was terrible, especially because I couldn't sleep due to all the caffeine I had been chugging. I don't know if I'll ever do that again, probably if my friends are doing it next time and not creepy 26 year olds who want to get in my pants. (BTW, totally didn't work, still a virgin, haha).

B) I've realized the lay of the land when it comes to drugs in the scene:

• Crusties (homeless) - They're main real estate is H (and booze).
• Regular punks - Booze, weed, speed, and cocaine.
• Skinheads - Booze and cocaine.
• Crusties (not homeless) - Weed and booze.

At least, this is what I've gathered from what I've seen and experienced. It's mostly accurate for what's going down out here, but obviously, some people only do one thing, some people do several. I find it interesting to see whose doing what. Mostly I just know regular punks, and I see mostly crusties and punks at the shows I go to, depending on the band. Skinheads sometimes turn out to the shows I frequent, but usually if they are there only one or two unless its a hardcore band.

I don't know, I'm trying to calm down. I almost slapped my boss today. Did I tell you, I'm working at a title insurance company? It's terrible as fuck. I make 35 cents above minimum wage, my boss is such a money grubber. Anyway, I was Skyping a fellow employee, and I said "Yeah, that's what I meant, sorry." My boss saw this, and while she's on speaker phone with a client, runs over to my desk waves her hand in my face and tells me that, "NO Y-E-A-H, NO YEAH, WE ONLY USE BUSINESS LANGUAGE. BUSINESS LANGUAGE!" Now, if you want to shut me down, well that's a pretty great way. So before I could yell at her that I'm not a fucking dog and haven't been trained to respond to hand signals, I told her that I wasn't feeling well (she had mentioned something about how I had looked tired earlier), and preceded to leave. She can kiss my ass if she thinks she's gonna treat me like that. Fuck her. I'm not gonna take that.

Anyway, I've missed you guys since I've been off. When I'm depressed I have trouble going on the computer, also, without drugs the internet can make me feel panicky and I worry about what people will say and what I will have to deal with, etc. etc. (I know it's ridiculous, but that's just how my mind works).

I love you all!

- Lucy = )

I've been killing my brain cells!

I keep killing my brain cells. I won't have any by the end of senior year. I'm just bashing them into alcohol and weed and pills and whatever I can get my hands on. It's kind of entertaining. I like drinking and smoking and chilling out. I've been to a few parties recently... no shows, sadly... and a whole lot of couches. I'm out drinking the best of 'em and smoking with the platinum level stoners. It's come to the point now where my brain at the moment is just perpetually on the fritz, causing me some speech and spelling dumbness. I'm also way way sick.

Fuck, I have no idea what to talk about.

I went to the city and posted/handed out some fliers to some hot crusties (4 of 'em, who seemed quite into my birthday show). Oh, how I love them. I have to find a prom date now, not that they would be it, but I just thought of it. I have to get a dress, too, and shoes. Fuck, I have to do homework at somepoint this week. At least one thing is for sure, I'M GOING TO NYU. Yup, you're favorite little-junky-stoner-dumbass-punk kid. I'm such a weirdo, so its kind of the perfect place.

Fuck, I'm waking up early tomorrow, hopefully I'll find something for my brain to make this next  posting worth while.

Love you all!

Lucy

Elevation

It was a half day today, so we got out at 12... I filled up my car with gas at the sketchy gas station. I couldn't understand the Indian man with the really thick accent there. Situations like that intimidate me because I feel bad, having to say, "What??" After that ordeal, I landed at Lauren's house, and we waited and waited and WAITED for Nina to come over or for Zack to be ready. But, Lauren and I decided to fuck it and we walked out and started to smoke. However, her pipe is really shitty and hard to take big pulls off of, so we stopped and right as we did, Nina appeared with two joints. She wanted to hike up this big hill, but Lauren and I were both hesitant (it's the size of a mini-mountain, very stiff and slippery due to leaf litter, and we would be high). 

Anyway, we got outside and we went to this fort in the wood that the neighbors built. We got inside and smoked the two joints at the same time, which was hard and annoying. Haha, Lauren was impressed with Nina's "craftsmanship," because she used magazine for the filters. So, after smoking both of them we headed onward. After much climbing, and my own issues, as I tried to mount it on my hands and feet (I felt like such an animal, I was also positive I was gonna fall down and die, haha, but it was still fun). When we reached the top, which is near the road, we found some animal bones. As we dug them up it was really funny, because this man legit slowed down to a stop and just stared at us. We all decided that he might be about to call the cops, so we better get the last of the bones and head back down. (During this time we also had to keep stopping Nina from lighting the woods on fire, haha). 

We got home and ate cheese doodles (which are apparently MADE OF REAL CHEESE, which was an exciting discovery, haha) and we watched dumb videos on youtube which were supposed to "enhance" our high and make the walls move and shit. It did that somewhat, but it was hard for me to focus on it and I kept getting distracted. Also, there was one where the guy kept talking and I couldn't handle it, I was laughing hysterically and shit. IT WAS RIDICULOUS. After way too much of that, I decided that it was 3 and I better get home to do homework and practice bass and go to pit practice. 

Zack was still MIA until I was driving home when he texted me. I kind of fought with him last night, and was in a shitty mood. I felt bad taking it out on him, but I didn't on some level. He kind of deserved it. He didn't understand that the fact that he didn't give me my Valentine's present wasn't about WHAT it was, but that he got it thinking of me. Also, I mean, it's super late. Apparently he spent 30 dollars on it, or at least that's what Lauren remembers him saying.

Today at school, due to African American History month, we had some of the African American students speak and we had a reverend speak. This one guy did, whose super cool, and everyone loves him. I could definitely see him as the president of the United States, he's so charismatic and intelligent, we've always believed that he would become a politician. The Reverend sucked balls, he had no idea what to say, and you could see he was freaking out. This other girl sang and she was AMAZING. It was so impressive. My friends thought it was actually pretty good, which I was surprised about, seeing as how my friends can have a hard time taking stuff like that seriously.

I have pit practice later... ugh... I haven't practiced at all. I am so lazy in that respect. I haven't done any homework either and I'm still a bit high. It's hard for me to handle focusing on shit when I'm this tired. I think I'm gonna nap for 30 minutes and then practice... and then eat...

FOOD. haha. Oh man, I'm going to have no brain cells by the time I'm 20...

I reminded Nina to pay back the other Nina, because she shorted her about 7 bucks, and it was a sale. I feel bad when I tell people shit like that because occasionally they get offended when I'm like, "Yo, so and so was talking about you doing this, and you need to fix it before they get pissed." I can't help it, when I'm high I just want to play the middle man, but it can be bad.

Anyway, I'm going to go and take a nap or watch tv, and waste some more of my time. I'll take pictures of the bones once they are bleached.

Love,

- Lucy = )

I tried to find videos of "Elevation" by Television, but all of the ones on youtube aren't the real band or are of U2... how lame. Anyway, you should look up Television, one of my favorite bands and Tom Verlaine, the lead singer, is from my hometown. = )

So, is this sobriety, or SOBRIETY?

Okay, so no opiates for almost a month! "Scandal, Franco!" (if you can tell me what movie that quote is from, I'll be really impressed.) The 4th it will be a month since January 4th, well, lets see how I feel about this. I have no idea. I keep thinking man, this would be so great, if I was high. Fuck, just saying that makes it sound good. But, I can't. I gotta be good, mostly because, as much as I love taking some pills and letting my mind go, I know that I'm benefitting in less paranoia about drugs being found or being noticed missing (on those occasions when I filch them). I smoked weed yesterday, and it was actually the best experience with it I've had in a while. My friends went and smoked with me during lunch and then we went back to class, I got quite high (I didn't realize how I high I was until I started talking about guinea pigs for about 3 hours). Makes me nervous about getting drug-tested, but I can't sweat it. Zack was making fun of me today, "wow, so, that was short-lived." I was like, "hey, it's been two weeks..." Whatever, I enjoyed it, I was supposed to be playing music with my friends tonight, but I think I might go to bed early and read and watch TV with my mother, etc. I was invited to a party, and although I've never been to a house-party, I don't really want to go. The girl who is hosting it and I don't get along, and I'm planning on getting well, trashed tomorrow at the show, so I figure I better not come home wasted tonight. I guess my sobriety, is really only the absence of opiates... but thar works for me...

Tomorrow's show has some of my favorite bands. My Papa is going to take me, my fake sis Santina, her bf, and my bf, to dinner. I'm also going to get to read poetry at the show and hand out my chap books which I just made. Should be sweet. I can't wait for me and Zack to get to hang out in the city, we're leaving at 12:30 and probably won't be home until 11:30 or so. I can't wait, I love him. Still no fucking, but that's okay... I've realized that I'm kind of... umm.. afraid of dicks? Not that I'm a lesbian, because vajayjays are way nastier. There is nothing hot about vagina, I don't understand lesbians or straight guys... vages are nasty. Anyway, I'm psyched to have a moment with Zack's dick. = ) That will happen, and you guys will get to hear the full scoop... I'm sure I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow or Sunday.

Dude, I'm tired, I'm full, I feel sick... I'm going to go rest, without drugs, fridays are kind of taxing. Whatever, I'll get drunk tomorrow and that'll be funny as shit. = )

Love you guys,

Lucy!

I AM A BAMF

Okay, so, I am so fucking happy and shit... you don't even know right now...

Last night, Zack's aunt and cousin were off with relatives over night. So, being a 17 year old, I spent then night!!!! Now, me being me, as I told my friend who was "afraid for my vcard": my vcard is intact. Obviously, some shit happened, but you guys definitely don't want details. But, the night was just so much fun. Mostly, we just hang out, said dumb shit to one another, watched dumb tv shows. His mother called last night, she was really drunk. It took him like 40 minutes to get her off the phone as we walked around and I tried to stifle my laughter. The funniest thing was when she said to him: "Is your girlfriend there?" "Is Sarah there? Don't lie to me." And the second time he said yes sarcastically, and she said, "awww." Haha, I had to fucking run out of the room because i was dying. She also called him a cracker. I wore his clothes and shit when we went to bed. In the morning I made us eggs for breakfast, and we watched dumb shows on Lifetime.

One of the best quotes of the night was when he was like, I'll go sleep on the sofa, and I asked if he was afraid and he says: "I have no problem sleeping with you."

THE NIGHT BEFORE:

I got drunk and high after the Reagan Youth show. It was such a great show. I got thrown from the back to the front of the pit and just like being shoved everywhere. Pat kept letting me sing into the mic. I love seeing Reagan Youth because everyone gets so into it and everyone knows the words. There was this big skinhead with read hair who was obviously into me, and kept trying to hit on me. There were three kids who were obviously on speed, you should have seen them, haha. They were like rubbing their hair and their arms and fidgeting and talking at lightening speed. At first I only saw one and thought he just had problems, and then when I saw all three I realized they were high. Good times. Good bands. Good friends. Man, it was a great night. I have some really hardcore missing patches of skin on my arm (from getting dragged from the front of the pit into the floor of the circle pit. Like legit, and then people as they do, hoisted me up and I had to fight my way back to the standing pit.) I like circle pits, but I'm just no coordinated enough to fully enjoy them. Tanzen and I got back to her house and finished up this cranberry vodka we had. Then we smoked about 4 bowls in the park, and got back and tried to play cards (it was so retarded). So, I'm trying to quit because of the crying on the train last weekend and shit, but to no avail. No opiates though, since the 4th of January. Fuck. Well, I don't know. I hate weed. I'm just worried about getting drug tested and coming up positive for weed and getting in trouble because it would be such a waste.

Well, I wonder if I love Zack, I think I love him. I've decided to just take it one day at a time and not think about it.

Well, I love you guys!

- Lucy = )

The Biggest Lie

I don't have time to write a detailed blog, so here's a synopsis:

School's been crazy and I'm not getting enough sleep, feeling like shit, and just kind of am wondering if the ceiling is going to cave in on my head.

Got drunk with my friends on saturday and wandered around the city writing things like "Cock" "Ass" etc. on people's car windows in the snow. The next morning Tanzen and I smoked, but her dad was there which led to us almost getting caught twice. Tanzen said the funniest thing I have ever heard: "I really like hangovers because they bring you down to reality, and I like reality" (she was drunk when she said that, haha). Jordan saw the girl we all hate at the show he went to, and he called and I got to talk to him and Papa Jay. I got into a horrible mood on the train, I started to cry and shit, I just felt hopeless. I seriously think it's the combination of sleep-deprivation, Sunday, and weed. I hate weed. It really just fucks with my head. 

One thing that we did talk about was how we know that we're going somewhere. I've always felt that there was something about me that meant I was going to do something. Anything. Not in a conceited way, it's just, you can't be born into this world with weird circumstances and lead a weird life and not do SOMETHING. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was going to be end up being a prophet. Not that I'm better than anyone, with each day I just realize how much more fucked up I am than most people I know, but its whatever. I'm going to make something of myself. Anything. Just something that makes me happy at the end of the day.

I'm also wondering if I go straight for the rest of the year and stop touching drugs. Period. What? Am I serious? I have no idea. We'll see how long it lasts. If I keep it going the one good thing will be the relief of not having to hide away shit. There are a few exceptions, but I doubt I'll get a hold of these exceptions... I'm waiting to worry about that shit at a later date.

Well, I'm going to see Reagan Youth on saturday, so I'll probably come back on after that. Everyone have a nice week! = )

Dum Dum Boys

What I've realized is that I want to talk about something. That is my friends.

I've realized as I've watched other teenagers either slip into addiction or down the path to addiction that it is much easier to become addicted than to watch someone become addicted. Seeing my friends and hearing them talk I know what is occurring. Lauren is slowly becoming a stoner who cannot get a G to last her a week, if she has a 1.5 Gs she gets nervous. I sit here, the kid who would much rather you giver her a new needle than a new pair of shoes (though I really like the shoes my mom gave me, not gonna lie, they're fresh and they make her happy). Maya and her friends, including Laura, are/were running down the path towards serious addiction. The kind that can, and has, killed stronger people. I watch this and it sickens me. I do shit and I keep it hidden. It's my little secret that I reveal to the few who can keep it, who see me as a teenager with a problem, rather than a someone with a problem that is a teenager. My secrecy means that people don't worry about me, besides the ones who know, and that makes me feel better about it in some ways. I don't want to worry my friends.

I remember last year seeing Maya in the atrium. Me, with my track marks hidden under long sleeves, and her with her greasey head. I was walking in one direction and her the other. I saw her unkempt appearance as an outward sign of her inner demons. Popping tylenol 3s, (they call them "tripCs," even the slang makes me laugh), which I am pretty sure will only escalate. What makes me laugh the most was how she bragged about it. I was at this New Years party last year, lying on the floor, eyes closed, trying to make sure I did not nod out on their floor. She's trying to boast about her drugs, and I begin to laugh. I'm attempting to contain my giggling, because everyone is going to be like, "why the fuck is Lucy laughing at Maya and her drugs? they're so hardcore..." She was saying something about how she didn't eat because they suppressed her appetite. My only thought was, "No... just shut up. You sound like an idiot. Are you trying to make yourself sound like an addict? I'm pretty sure I can win that competition..."

Even if my feelings towards Maya are kind of, well, hostile, I still felt bad. I've known Maya since we were in 6th grade together. Here she is now, a fucking 12th grader, and we're discussing if she's still in rehab. (No one knew if she was still in it, we were discussing if she was getting help and shit... just the average lunchtime conversation, right?)

I don't like watching my friends in pain. I wish I could heal it. I wish I could make them see themselves like I see them, as strong young women, who have really grown up. We all have, and it's weird to see it now how different we all are. I can be an addict, I can think it in my head, I have trouble verbalizing it, but I can say it if I have to -- it doesn't bother me as much as seeing my friends really fucked up. Them looking really wasted can kill my buzz because then I just feel bad. I feel guilty, like I'm a part of their decline. I don't want to be that.

I am protective of my friends because they are my family. I would do anything for most of them. I would beat the shit out of anyone who fucked with them, I would back them up if a teacher hassled them, I would do whatever it takes -- my friends are my life. I don't want them to be in pain.

My head feels heavy and pressurized, I need to lay down because I have a bad headache. I guess it's from getting high, I used to get bad headaches a lot. I would use for a week daily and then stop on the weekends and I would get terrible headaches. Then sometimes they would occur while I was getting high.

I don't know, I need to lay down and let my head rest.

Victory

From the mind of your favorite 17 year old who has a taste for the opiates and punk... who else would it be? ; )

So, yesterday was my Lauren's 18th birthday and we were all hanging out. Well, I'll start from the beginning. I got over there around 1 p.m. and we went out to get stoned and go sledding. We smoked in the woods as we walked over to this giant hill... It was the longest walk of my life. Seriously, it was crazy. And me being only the occasional weed smoker, and it being shitty New York Diesel crap, I was barely high unless I really relaxed my mind. Well, we sledded a few times, I had to watch Lauren and make sure she didn't die, her and her stoner self were out in la la land. The funny thing I can remember is we're walking down the path in the woods back to her house and I am talking and in my head I sound exactly like this drummer I know John, and my mannerism's are like his... so bizzarre. I was him for a good like what felt like an hour, so probably 5 minutes, haha.

So, finally, we get back and I'm in an okay state of affairs. Glad that I didn't pop any hydros before I came because I would have been far more inclined to lay around and just talk then fucking walking for hours. Helen shows up, she's always really entertaining, so I was glad when she came. We watched Happy Gilmore but the weed sent me to sleep, so I barely remember any part of that time. I really just slept. Nina got there and then we went outside and her and Lauren smoked while Helen and I hung out in front (I figured I was fine, and not in the mood to smoke with the stoners). I kinda yelled at Nina for being an asshole to me, she got all offended and shit. Anyway, they were sledding, and I was supervising, making sure the stoners didn't hit the house... I'm just so mature and responsible (compared to them at least).

Other Nina showed up, and we had to push her car to get it into a parking space because of all of the snow. Well, Nina wanted to smoke. So, Helen left, and then the rest of us all went to smoke. Suddenly I was VERY high. We smoked later and I was VERY VERY VERY high. Then we started to be fed beer by Lauren's older sister. Suddenly I'm tipsy and VERY VERY VERY high (on weed, which is weird for me, usually I'm just like high, or a bit high, but not like incapable of doing shit). I'm so high that when I close my eyes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and spinning and shit, yeah... seirously. Anyway, we go to bed, after many hours of retarded brain frying.

I wake up with the sun shining in on my face and I'm happy. I think Lauren woke up with a hangover, haha, she would be that much of a light weight. I felt so calm and happy to be alive. I was still feeling a tad bit of a residual high from all of the weed that had been pumped into my body. 

It's funny but I am really more of a "hard body" than most of my friends when it comes to shit. They used to joke about it a lot, it took me literally 4 months of smoking weed before I got REALLY high. I can drink more alcohol than my friends, which makes me a little happy... haha, it's the punk in me I swear. The reason that I've had drinks usually was because I was at shows, and all of the grey hairs I know drink SOOOOOOOOO much. It's ridiculous, and being their little teenage adopted child, I either get alcohol from them or watch them drink it. Either way, it really does play with my thought process. I find alcohol more appealing because of watching them, I really do want to be like them and I don't know why. Maybe because they're so cool, they know everyone and they just seem like the most awesome people ever. Is that dumb? I don't know, I don't know if it makes me lame or whatever. I do have to say one thing: it's nice to have people to look up to, to have heroes that you know, I'd never had that until I became part of the NYC Punk scene. I'm so proud too, NYHC! It's my family.

Well, I think I might be like kind of married to Zack, you should see us we're ridiculous. We're such old people. We like decorated the tree today at my house and then we went shopping for presents and wrapped them. Then we like set the table and helped prepare the dinner. We watched Trainspotting tonight and Flight of the Conchords. Oh man, watching them take shots and I just kept flashing back... ugh, I fucking hate having shit I can't IV. Seriously, I love just sticking a needle in my arm... oh man, I am getting excited thinking about it.

Hmmm... well, I'm tired and ready for bed, I'm going to list out what I got for early Xmas here:

- Flaming Lips CD - Zack

- 100 bucks - Grandma = )

- peacoat/jacket thingy - Mom

- dress - Mom

- sweatshirt - Mom

- shirt - Mom

- new pair of Vans - Mom

- Loafass CD - Mom

- Germs "(MIA)" - Mom (I had some of the songs, but not all of them... it makes me soooooo happy)

- belt - Mom

- The Who poster - Mom

It was so much fun, and I really had a great time with my fam and especially Zack. We're so ridiculous together. One annoying thing: he came, ate my food, got to see me model my clothes, and watch trainspotting, and I got no kiss... What the fuck? I'm going to have to smack the boy.

; )

Well, guys, I'll catch ya'll on the flipside!

- Lucy

Latin Roots

Lauren was just over, I gave her some weed I had that I definitely was not going to smoke. I had to take out of my stash, because all I needed was her getting pissed at me. I really want to get high, but not today, or tomorrow... can't be. I'll be on St. Marks and at Tompkins on Sunday for the show.

I don't feel like doing anything. Fuck. Anthony was supposed to come over and I wanted to see him. I was also planning on going out for Dylan's b-day party, but they're going to a theatre which is too far away from me, so I'm not going to that. He sounded kinda sad that I wasn't going... hmm. Maybe I've been a little flirtatious. ;-) Not really, I just like Dylan, he's a sweet guy.

Anthony and I might still be hanging out... I'm in a bad mood. Poor Anthony, he's so sweet. I think he worries about me sometimes when I get upset, I have a bad habit of getting into really bad funks. I think that being high last night didn't help me today, though it wasn't so bad today.

Tomorrow I have to go visit a college... which sucks lots and lots of ass. I have to wake up at 5:30 so that we can get there on time, and then I'm probably going to drive us home. It'll be me and my mother, which is good. If my father was there I would have had a conniption. I spent my entire in-school-therapy session basically going through the entire history of my relationship with my father and the reason why I hate him. It got me really worked up, but I didn't cry. I think that kinda made me feel like shit, I hate crying, but holding it in can make it worse.

Today in Latin class, my Latin teacher has been absent for the entire week, so we posted all of this really really dirty poetry on the walls by Catullus. My personal favorite quote is "my prick is poking out of my tunic and my toga." Who wouldn't love that? We taped it to the sign that said "Latin is Beautiful," haha! I just found the poem, so

Here is Catullus 32:

I beg you, my sweet, my Ipsitilla,
my darling, my sophisticated beauty,
summon me to a midday assignation;
and, if you're willing, do me one big favor:
don't let another client shoot the door bolt,
and don't decide to suddenly go cruising,
but stay at home & get yourself all ready
for nine - yes, nine - successive copulations!
Honestly, if you want it, give the order:
I've eaten, and I'm sated, supinated!
My prick is poking through my cloak and tunic.

Good shit, right? Here is a website where you can find more: CATULLUS! Personally, I would suggest reading 39, that's good. But it's all pretty entertaining. I think 15 and 16 are also pretty dirty. One of his poems ends with someone sticking radishes up someone else's ass. Haha.

Well, I'll catch ya later! = )

Lady be good, do what you should, you know it will be alright

I can't sleep. I'm really bent out of shape. It's due to my friends. What I've come to realize is that, even if I'm not that close to people, seeing other people really fucked up on drugs or drink really bothers me. I saw Ashley the other day, high off of her ass (my guess is the first time in 4 months), smiling at me, telling me how "life is so good right now." I couldn't help but smile and say, "how many hours until life sucks again?" Her eyes were watery and blood shot, but beyond that she seemed pretty normal (ironically). But, this is really about Nina and Lauren. Nina and Lauren want to get drunk on Halloween and go trick-or-treating. I don't like drinking - in fact I kind of hate it. I have no desire to drink whatsoever, especially not coming home drunk. I hate how both of them just want to deplete their brain cells until there's nothing left. I know, I sound hypocritical. I am, but I can't help it. Weed and beer are just such a waste of a brain. All that it causes is for them to feel worse about themselves in the long run. I'm not saying that dope is far above other drugs, I just know that when I get really high on weed I hate myself, but when I'm off on the nod I don't really give a fuck. Watching someone get dependent on drugs is so much worse than you yourself getting addicted. I hate it. I feel so powerless and I just wish I could make all their pain go away, ya know? That's the thing, I can handle myself and the shit that I cause for myself, but other people, I can't deal with my friends being messed up.

I am also feeling particularly awkward and moronic lately. I can't seem to shake this feeling that I am some kind of joke. I don't know, I'm PMSing, which is just making everything a debacle. At the moment, I feel utterly hopeless and depressed and like a shit head. Come tomorrow I may feel just like Jesus' son. I think it's cause of this video of me from the show on saturday, I was listening to WWIX and so I didn't care how dumb i may have looked. But, God, did I look like a moron. That's just going to bother me now. At punk shows, I generally don't care, and now I'm going to think about it.

I just wish I could talk to people about this bull shit, and they could make it all better and just explain it all away. I wish I could tell my mother, she always makes me feel better when I'm freaking out. I can't stand all of this. I don't want to do anything, I just don't see the point, I feel suicidal, but it's just passing. That's the thing, I'm so wound up in my mind that emotions just become mental explanations. That's the only way I've ever been able to deal with shit, but turning it into explanations - it's also the only way I can have any self-control. Fuck, I just need to go back to sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day. It just has to be.

Reckless Abandon

I've been super bored this week (as you can see by all the posts), and everyone has been gone (yes, I had nothing to read from Mel or Gleds) and I had plenty of time to read because I was super sick. I'll start this post where my last one left off.

So, way against my better judgement, I decided to drive to the Bargain Box... I was feeling so fucked up in the car, I was going about 10 miles under the speed limit and when I got to the parking lot it was all full and as I tried to turn around this old woman was giving me the weirdest look. It would be my luck to hit these parked cars right now... What's she looking at? I should flip her off... So, I finally got inside and looked around. I found this ridic jacket for halloween, I might be Stevo from SLC Punk!, so this would be the perfect jacket. I know you're all very jealous, 5$! Oh yeah, I saw this flannel shirt that I thought about buying but it was about 3 sizes too big (an XL mens), so I decided not to. All of these old women were like following me and giving me dirty looks (I have no idea why all of the oldies were hating on me), and I saw this really butch lesbin (at first, I thought she was a he) who gave me a really dirty look. The woman who checked me out said, "Oh, this is such a lovely jacket." My only thought was Ma'am whatever you're on, I want. I mean, it's lovely in a super cracked out way, but not in a normal way. Anyway, the rest of the day was utterly pointless, I got home and watched TV and then I kinda went out for about 2 hours. My mom came in to wake me up for dinner and I couldn't really open my eyes, they fluttered and then shut. My thought afterwards was Oh yeah, that's totally not suspicious at all.

Today was uneventful. I went to school. My power point was not due in Enviro, so that was good. During lunch we had Latin club meeting, which was fun, I guess. Then, I had statistics, I really don't think the teacher likes me in that class. He's nice, but you can tell that he finds me distasteful. I think it's because I was supposed to be in AP, and all the kids want me to teach the class. Euro was okay, we discussed Renaissance art and I ate some potato chips. 

I went home after school to change and fix my make up. Which needs some explaining, because previously I said that Anthony was supposed to come over. What do you know, the boy had crew! I basically told him that either he makes time for me, or I dump him (well, actually, I wasn't that harsh, I just said, "Are you dating me, or the school and Matt (his best friend)?"). It's really pissing me off, but, whatever, I would never break up with him unless he severely fucked up, and I can't see that happening. I went to Dunkin Donuts, where I bought two donuts (I had a coupon), and had a very uncomfortable conversation with my friend's older sister and this stranger... yeah, my life is a partay. Then I went to the school, which reminds me, I need to fill up my car with gas. So, blah blah blah, went to the radio station, helped put down sound-proofing floor tiles. Anthony and Matt came, so I talked to Anthony and then we all got Chinese food. We all cut out at 6 (Anthony decided that he was out, if I was being kicked out of the station and because we weren't actually on air... our transmitter sucks). So, Matt, Anthony, and I sat out behind the school for a good 2o minutes shooting the shit. Then Anthony's dad was coming, so I hugged Anthony and got in my car. 

I called Lauren, and basically invited myself over. So, we hung out for about 2 hours and then Sam came over, at which point I sang her a song dedicated to her and then I sang her a song I wrote about our Enviro teacher. Then we went to Dunkin Donuts and listened to songs from the 90s and middle school (haha, we were really cool, especially because I knew all the words to all the songs that came on, I won't embarrass myself with the band names). We saw this really preppy kid from my classes in the parking lot, and he waived at me (mostly because I was kinda staring at him) and so I waived back... it was very very awkward, at least, that's how I felt inside.

We got back to Lauren's house and I felt this kind of sadness because of the absence of drugs... no, I won't say drugs, the absence of weed. I wanted to smack myself. Of all the things to really feel "sad" about, weed definitely shouldn't be one of them. Anyway, soon after Sam and I left, and I got home and serenaded my mother and my father. But, I called my father an asshole, and then he got pissed off, so I just decided to go to bed.

Tomorrow is another lovely day. Check you on the flip side! = )

P.S. on another note, I was thinking about driving around high... I have come to the conclusion that... It's very very very dumb.  And that it would be my luck to get pulled over by the cops.

Junk Food Junkie Part Deux

This picture had to be put here because it's the greatest photo ever taken of me. It was in Lauren's kitchen, two fridays ago. We had just smoked and we came inside to get something to eat and we found all of this food. If I remember correctly: Lucky Charms, Oreos (2 packages), Chips Ahoy, Cosmic Brownies, Honey Buns, Coffee Cakes, Gold Fish, and Ice Cream. It was as if God had come into the house himself and left us this bounty of food. So, yeah, I couldn't keep a straight face as I praised him with all my might!

All This and More

Sam just called me to ask about a graph, wanting to know about how far apart the dates have to be put. Any other saturday and I would have been groggy, wondering why on God's green fucking earth are people calling me before 12. But, this morning I woke up around 10:30, mostly because my back feels like someone has been squeezing it in a vice and I wanted to read "Naked Lunch." When I bought Naked Lunch I had some deluded thought that it wasn't really focusing on dope, but it's just as H filled as Junky. I think I like it more than Junky, it's just more interesting. I should be doing stuff, I should be up and showering, or doing homework, or texting Anthony. ANTHONY!!! Just the boy's name makes me smile. Ugh, I wish he was here. 

We got to hang out all friday because his radio show was from 5 to 10. The Coffeehouse at our school was also that night (people can come in and play a song, or read poetry, etc..), which I was playing with my friend Nina (not the one I have a pictured, this is a totally different Nina). Well, our friend Felipe was really awesome and covered for Anthony while he came out and watched me play. He actually wanted to come see me play, I was really suprised when he said that. I assumed he was just doing it because I wanted him to. And afterwards when we were back in the both he told me I did really well and he let me wear his drug rug.... Now I'm all giddy and smiling. 

I've been utterly sober since Tuesday, no weed, no hydros, nothing. I don't know how I feel about it, I'll see how long I can keep this up. Ironically, I think that Lauren is going to be buying weed off me very very soon. Last night we were all hanging out and she asked me if I had any, and (as it so happens once in a blue moon) I do. She wanted it right then, but it was back at my house, I told her she could just come over today and get it, but apparently that's not here modus operandi (or an option she even wants to go down). She, like me, has a similar problem, all of our friends have the #s and now the dealers. Maya calls Lauren. Maya is your friendly neighborhood lesbian and once-upon-a-time high school drug dealer. She now has no car and no dealers to buy from (word is that she owes this guy mucho dinero), so she has to come to Lauren or Nina to help her. Honestly, I avoid Maya at all costs, she's the biggest creeper I know. The only thing Maya is good for is entertainment purposes (usually what she says is really entertaining after the fact). I should feel some kind of guilt, but none of us do. Our collective mental thought is: If you do something dumb or drug-related, you shouldn't be telling everyone because no one will take your seriously. Whenever I did call her, besides having a mini panic attack because of how uncomfortable she makes, it always A) short as I could make it, and B) spent listening to make sure she wasn't high so that she would remember it... Well, back to the story, Maya wants a dime or some #s, and Lauren's like, "Sorry, but you should call Nina."

Lauren and Nina have had a friend (more like lover's) quarrel, which is annoying because I have to hear both of them complain about the other. Sam and I are just sitting there trying to ignore her complaining, which we've been attempting to do all night (not very well, though). When, after all of us going to her house (we all drove our own cars, it was so ridiculous, Lauren totally wanted to race us, I kept up most of the time, but Sam lagged behind), we actually  addressed what she was saying. Fuck, I feel bad for both parties, Sam and I tried to calm Lauren down, but there really is no way to do that. My thought it that Nina is pissed because she is frustrated about not being able to make Lauren better, even though she knows she can't she wants to. Well, not much I can do about it.

Nina is getting shrooms (did I already talk about this, I feel like I have). Well, anyway, she's getting it from this kid Rusty, whose now in college. He was actually in my Latin class last year, funny kid, probably a genius, and now possibly an alcoholic (that's the word that's going around). She texted him during stat to see what was going on. No, word yet if this is actually going to happen, but whatever, what happens happens.

I have a lot of homework, which I should probably be doing. But, I'll get around to it eventually... maybe tomorrow at lunch. Did I tell you that I need a fucking hair cut??? The hair on the sides of my head is ranging from 1.5 to 2 inches, which is waaaaaaay too long. It's driving me nuts, I'm going to get a friend of mine to buzz if off sometime soon (like within the week). Yeah, so that's all folks!! = )

Check ya later!

Clash City Rockers

We walked through the village, it looked somewhat like the park on East 15th St and 3rd Ave. My parents and I... going to cop dope? In front of a building there was the smell of lighter fluid and metal burning, so we walked in to this apartment. I only had enough money for one bag, but my parents bought 3 (why they were there I don't really know). The room was dark and caste in a green light, small, dark, and green. I didn't have any works, so the girl who was there took this needle she had and gave it to me. It was filled with what looked like fat I've seen on plastic surgery shows, after they've sucked it out of some rich person's stomach. I got into the bathroom - it was fluorescent lit like at McDonald's - and flushed the think pink-white paste out of the needle. I looked down at my left arm - it had not scar in my dream - and it was so milky white. I did what I used to always do - I checked to make sure I could hit a vein before cooking up. (My veins are either A) tiny, B) hidden, C) covered in scar tissue from surgery, or D) rolling - my veins suck so much) I hit it right on the first try, without even pulling back I saw blood flow into the tip and fill it dark red. (I used to try and hit it first so that I wouldn't have cooked up and be unable to use the solution, which had on more than one occasion made me cry - fuck, haha, ridiculous but true)

Then I woke up.

I hate dreams like that, so real that you can taste the food and feel the drugs. That happiness you feel as you receive the drugs, a pleasure that you wake wanting more of. Most of my drug dreams revolve around me receiving drugs from other people - some of the time as gifts, once they were falling from the sky (I kid you not). Today during lunch Nina took me out to her car, she was giving me the weed. She didn't have a bag for me, so she rolled up the nugget in a piece of paper, which I then shoved into this plastic shopping bag in my car. The entire bag smelled of weed when I got back to my car 3 hours later. The stuff is so good, it's kind of ridiculous. It looked kind of small, she told me that it looked small but that it was just packed tightly. I don't think Nina would rip me off, though, I trust my friend's loyalty in matters like this just as much as my own... which is occasionally not very much. But, that whole thing has little do with friendship and more to do with drugs and economics. If your friend rips you off you can't take it so personally, I mean, it's fucked up, but not surprising. Your friend and your drug dealer are two different people, so you can't expect the business woman and the friend to act the same way. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Today was okay, I took a quiz in English that I didn't even know we had, I think I at least got a B. I'm more worried about my stat test, though I'm sure that I at least got a B. Nothing much happened today. I talked to Ashley, she says that I can't come over until her mother approves the list. That will be interesting, I really am interested in seeing this group home - I can't help being curious. I had a guitar lesson, which was okay, not amazing, but not horrible. I have dinner tonight for Rosh Hashanah with my parents and my grandmother (happy new year, everyone!) That will be good - well at least good food.

I got out of the car from guitar and I vomitied in my mouth, it was weird because I so wasn't expecting it and my next thought was, "just don't completely vomit." I wonder what it's all about, but I'm sure it's nothing serious.

Anyway, I'm going to lie down. Happy New Year! = )

Acid Rain

It's a torrential downpour outside, I can hear it from my bed. I'm being very lazy this morning, I've been up for about 2 hours and done nothing but eaten a little and sat up in bed and read. My life is just so exciting obviously. I don't know if I'm going to go the festival today, I may just lay around all day, work on the essay due for tomorrow, read, do some more homework, and maybe play cards with some of my neighbors. Doesn't that sound kinda lovely? Well, to me it does. I have tuesday off, which is another lovely fact. Tomorrow night I have to go to my grandmother's house for Rosh Hashanah, that's always fun, if there isn't any fighting. There has always been fighting at family dinners like that, I remember one year my grandfather told my father that he was not a good father. My dad got so angry that we all had to leave. I don't know why my grandfather thought that, though I probably agree with him. Not that my grandfather was really good, but that's a long story.

I just had to run to the bathroom, my stomach is... cleansing itself. I have been "stopped up" for a few days and I took a laxative. Which is a fucking horrible idea, but at least my stomach doesn't hurt too bad... The thing is that laxatives never work properly on me, it will take way longer than it's supposed to take effect and when it does I can be sick up for close to 3 days. I don't know why I decided that it was brilliant, but I did take one last night. Holy fuck, that was a bad idea, haha. Well, whatever, I'll just deal with it, it was dumb, but once it's over I'll probably feel better.

I'm thinking about buying some weed from Nina, I'm thinking like $10 or $20. I should text her about that, see if she has enough. I have a feeling it will be fine, but I have to talk to her about it today, otherwise I won't get it until Wednesday, and I definitely want it for Tuesday. Without any school I need something for my brain to do. She should have the same stuff as Lauren, so it'll be a good deal.

Yesterday was so nice, though I felt a little out of it until I went to sleep. Usually I feel like it wears off after a while and then I go back to normal, but yesterday it just kept hitting me in waves. I tried to sleep on the sofa but I kept getting ousted by people, which was annoying. I kept having to remind myself that I was doing shit, and opening my eyes. It's that point in time when my eyelids feel as if someone has put glue on the bottom of them, and every time they close I have to struggle to open them again. I'm trying to untangle the events of yesterday, but I really can't, my mind feels so confused. My parents were gone, I was in the sofa and I was watching TV, I kept nodding out and then realizing what I was doing and opening my eyes. They came home and I sat with them for a while, and then Sam came over. Sam and I just shot the shit for a while, discussed Lauren (fuck, that's all that we seem to talk about, all of us), discussed college, watched dumb youtube videos, and baked cookies. I know all of that happened, but the stuff earlier in the day is just like snapshots of time, not really true stuff. Oh yeah, I took a shower in there somewhere, too, totally forgot until a few seconds ago. My rents also brought me home food from a diner, haha, I do remember more now.

"7 Tattoos" is so good, I've devoured it, I've got about 70 pages left. So good, but it has made me wonder something: Did everyone in NYC during the 70s become speed freaks? Every book I read where someone is doing drugs in the city and is alive in the 70s ends up becoming a speed freak. I guess, he was actually a dopefiend during the 70s, and was actually a speed freak in the late 60s. It's weird though, it just seems like everyone was doing speed. Maybe it's just cause the books I'm reading are about drug addicts... couldn't be... = P

Well, I'm off, this was a boring  post.. Nina still hasn't texted me back. Butt slut. Haha, I'll catch you on the flip side. = )