Seeing as how I haven't posed in forever... I thought I might.

I'm at school at the moment. I've got a raging cold (which obviously is just adding to my mood, seeing as how I have to be awake everyday at 7:30 to get to French class on time) I'm trying to finish shit up, while also having enough patience to walk out of the school and buy food.

Weird day, I don't know.

Mike is here, we've now been dating for 7 months... which is kinda insane, but awesome. Things can be really rough, because he has a bad temper, and I say a lot of stupid shit that inflames it, but beyond a few small arguments the first week we're good.

We're going to Amsterdam on Thursday night until Saturday night, so that should be interesting. It's just me and him, which freaks me out, but I feel alright with because I'm trying to trust him. Yeah... I'll report after that, at the moment I don't have much to say and really dont' like blogging at school.

Catch y'all on the flipside!
- Lucy

Umm... Happy New Year... or something like that...

Okay, so because I suck at doing this right now... I'm just gonna make a list of awesome shit happening...

-Seeing Mike on Saturday for the first time in 4 MONTHS.

-Punk show my friend set up for me the next Saturday, all of my fav bands are playing.

-Punk show the weekend after that which I set up.

-Seeing all of my friends...

-Hopefully getting to jam before I go back to Paris...

-Oh yeah, and I've been sober from all stupidity for 2 and a half like legitimate months or so... and I was really worried I would fuck it up when I got home, but I haven't, and I don't plan on it.

- IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A NEW AWESOME DECADE... I go between really freaking the fuck out about the new year to be excited. I'm excited. A bit scared, but excited nonetheless.

- I wrote a whole paper for school about when I first started doing drugs and the lying that goes along with it. I talked about Laura ODing and dying, and about me being one of the lucky ones, and blah blah blah other self-obsessed crap... I did end up getting an A- on it though.

I really want to do drugs. I do. But then I try to remind myself that it'll only make me feel like terrible crap afterwards. That'll I'll get high for a while and push myself down into a hole afterwards. I'm gonna do my best to keep away from drugs, because I feel like the longer I stay sober, the better my moods will be, and the easier it will be to keep away.

An entire life of no getting really high? It sounds kind of sucky. But, I'm gonna keep trying to not think of that aspect and instead focus on just keeping it up for now.

Everyone at my school knows, my friends have called me a "drug addict," talked about my "track marks" (these kids wouldn't know track marks if they had them on their own arms, but I'm trying not to really yell at them or get offended), and enjoy reminding me not to do drugs. It's good in some ways and bad in others. I mean, I just hate that name "drug addict." I don't know, I try not to rock the boat because they mean well. I definitely am glad to have people looking after me.

One of the times when I took all of this codeine in Paris (haha, okay, so retarded... I'd never tried it and I decided to just get high, so this was my easiest method) I had basically an allergic reaction. My face grew flushed, I was hot, and itchy. Not like the regular kind of itch, a terrible completely overwhelming itching which covered my sweaty, red face and body. I took some cough syrup because it had antihistamine and suddenly it all went away. After that, I never had a problem with taking that shit again. It was extra bad because 2 of my friends were there and had no idea what was going on. One of my friends, had lots of "druggie" friends back home, so I'm sure she guessed something, I'd also told her about my past. But my other friend, Susana, I'm sure had no idea what was going on. I felt kind of bad, but I was fairly high afterwards, so it was fine with me.

So, it's now time to bring in 2010... a new decade. The first no opiated New Years for me since I started doing drugs. I'm gonna get drunk, and I probably won't really smoke any weed. I got way too high last night. Lauren told me it was called "creeper weed," because you'd smoke some and then a few minutes later you would get a lot higher and you wouldn't notice. I was literally like special ed level last night. Lauren even told me as much. I don't think I can handle it. It really made me depressed and it just sucked in some ways. But I have a few beers (aka 2) and some rum (aka about 4 shots...), and I will drink all of this and then Nina is bringing a bottle of vodka, so I'll be well taken care of. I would rather get high, but not happening.

Anyway, I hope you all have an awesome New Year's!

- Lucy = )

Sucking at blogging...

There is much happening and little happening all at the same time... after finals are done I will make a lovely blog about the month of November and what a good little girl I'm being here in Paris.

= P

Love you guys!

- Lucy... = )

I'm dating a junkie...

My boyfriend has been doing heroin since I've been gone. He's shot 80 bags in the span of a month or so. He told me on Tuesday night... I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. It's just like a very confusing thing emotionally. I'm really happy that he told me. I'm angry because he was saying all this nice shit while he was high, and that could've just been the drugs. I'm super pissed that he blew his money on dope and now may not be able to come to Paris in February. I'm also annoyed that I worried about him when he said he was getting sick and shit, thinking he was actually sick, but it was probably just dope. Mostly, I'm worried about him. Everyone I know is telling me to dump him. He quit on Saturday and I think he's doing a lot better today, didn't say he was feeling sick or anything.

This whole thing is just busting me. I don't know what to think, or how to feel. He told me he loved me last night. I believe it. I love him, too. It's just hard to put everything together, it's not nice little boxes. He also reminded me that he had warned me before I left, which I think is really not a good excuse. Yeah, he warned me, and I knew it was possible, I was really worried about it, but that doesn't mean I was mentally prepared for it to happen.

Anyway, if I get back in January, and he hasn't stayed clean, then I'm gonna dump his ass. I know that junkies only love junk, and I'm not gonna be the third wheel to heroin.

So, yeah, that's been my week. I also had midterms, think I did well, sorry for my suckage at posting shit.

Later!

Love you guys!

- Lucy B.

Because this is kind of a downer, I'm putting in some pics of me with my new pink hair... because, yeah. Don't want to bum you guys out.

Stupidity Tries

France is one of those countries that has over the counter codeine bullshit. I call it bullshit because you gotta take at least 30 mg of codeine to equal 5 mg of hydrocodone. That's a fucking load of powder you gotta cram down your throat (I can't put it up my nose, it insights immediate retching and a deep nasal burn--one of these days I'm gonna puke for no good reason, other than I can't keep shit out of my nose). But, I mean, why not give it a whirl right? Buy a box of 16, so take like 5 or so, each time, and the high isn't really bad. I took a nice nap the other week, snug under my blanket and feeling okay. So, I don't know, it's alright set up. It's cheap as fuck. I mean, really really dirt cheap. And it's completely legal.

The first time I went in, I was really nervous. Like, I was almost shaking. I don't know, shit like this, makes me nervous, I know nothing bad should happen, but I can't help it. I walk into the pharmacy--I must have looked nervous--and I stuttered out the name in my terrible French accent. The woman says: "Hold on, she speaks English." Her coworker walks to the counter and I begin to tell her. She repeats the name and grabs it, and then says to me, obviously trying to shake me: "This is a pain killer." In my mind, I thought, "no shit? Really? Because I wouldn't specifically ask for it if I didn't know what it was." But, in my nervous American voice I said: "umm, I know." She sells it to me, but not before saying as I walk out: "No more sick today." And I just laughed. I guess she thought I was a sick junky or something, I don't know, nerves fucking kill me, and apparently they manifest themselves oddly to other people. Je ne sais pas, c'est étrange.

Anyway, I'm gonna lie down, because my stomach is all fucked up. It's been weird since I puked from too much liquor on halloween. I fucking hate alcohol.

I'll catch ya guys later!

Love,

- Lucy! = )

The shit dreams are made out of.

All I can say is: off to the pharmacy tomorrow...

3 Days and it's getting better.

I don't know why, but lack of sleep and smoking hash really did me in on Sunday. I just felt really shitty mentally. BUT today's a good day. I don't know, yesterday and today were fine. Really, not bad at all. I sent Mike a copy of that thing that I posted on Sunday, I'm wondering what he'll think. He makes me nervous when I say things such as that, way more pressure than when I'm showing it to people who have never had drug problems. I'm worried about what he thinks about it and about me and, I don't know, I don't wanna get like a lecture or anything.

Well, it is time for dinner and then homework. I'll talk to you later!

Bon journée!

- Luce! = )