Depression

I'm not really depressed, but, sticking with the theme of song titles, it's the closest I could get... or at least, the first one I could think of. I've been feeling completely shitty, and just sad, so I haven't been feeling like writing. I'll give you the and short of what's going on:

- On saturday I went to look at a college, and I really liked it. That night I submitted my college applications to all of the schools. It was terrifying, but exciting. College is going to be awesome!

- On sunday I went to Tompkins and saw a free show. It was awesome! I saw Blackout Shoppers and Trauma Team 666. I hung out with Jay from Endangered Feces and Justin. At the show I'm going to on saturday I'm going to read my poem that I wrote to Charles Bukakke. Jay asked me if he could call me "Lucy Bukkake" or "Lucy Ass" or just "Lucy B." I didn't even know what to say, but it would be pretty entertaining. I always consider nicknames to be awesome, especially the ones that people end up getting in the scene. They're always ridiculous and funny, my personal favorites: "Seth Amphetamines," "Blackout Matt," "Rev Mike" (cause he sometimes wears a preacher's shirt on stage), etc..

- On Halloween, I should be going into the city. Hopefully, it will be awesome. = )

Feeling blue makes me not want to write.

Intervention

Nothing is going on. I'm hungry. I'm craving. I'm fucking bored. TV sucks shit.

But, Chinese food will be coming, Celebrity Rehab will be on in less than an hour (the most ridiculous show ever, it also makes me want to KILL Gary Busey, he is the worst person ever), soon it will all be lovely again.

This reminds me, you guys need to watch this show, it's the funniest episode of Intervention I have ever seen!

This is a video of that show I was at on saturday, I'm the one with no hair on the right...

Check ya guys later... or whenever I get more bored.

Latin Roots

Lauren was just over, I gave her some weed I had that I definitely was not going to smoke. I had to take out of my stash, because all I needed was her getting pissed at me. I really want to get high, but not today, or tomorrow... can't be. I'll be on St. Marks and at Tompkins on Sunday for the show.

I don't feel like doing anything. Fuck. Anthony was supposed to come over and I wanted to see him. I was also planning on going out for Dylan's b-day party, but they're going to a theatre which is too far away from me, so I'm not going to that. He sounded kinda sad that I wasn't going... hmm. Maybe I've been a little flirtatious. ;-) Not really, I just like Dylan, he's a sweet guy.

Anthony and I might still be hanging out... I'm in a bad mood. Poor Anthony, he's so sweet. I think he worries about me sometimes when I get upset, I have a bad habit of getting into really bad funks. I think that being high last night didn't help me today, though it wasn't so bad today.

Tomorrow I have to go visit a college... which sucks lots and lots of ass. I have to wake up at 5:30 so that we can get there on time, and then I'm probably going to drive us home. It'll be me and my mother, which is good. If my father was there I would have had a conniption. I spent my entire in-school-therapy session basically going through the entire history of my relationship with my father and the reason why I hate him. It got me really worked up, but I didn't cry. I think that kinda made me feel like shit, I hate crying, but holding it in can make it worse.

Today in Latin class, my Latin teacher has been absent for the entire week, so we posted all of this really really dirty poetry on the walls by Catullus. My personal favorite quote is "my prick is poking out of my tunic and my toga." Who wouldn't love that? We taped it to the sign that said "Latin is Beautiful," haha! I just found the poem, so

Here is Catullus 32:

I beg you, my sweet, my Ipsitilla,
my darling, my sophisticated beauty,
summon me to a midday assignation;
and, if you're willing, do me one big favor:
don't let another client shoot the door bolt,
and don't decide to suddenly go cruising,
but stay at home & get yourself all ready
for nine - yes, nine - successive copulations!
Honestly, if you want it, give the order:
I've eaten, and I'm sated, supinated!
My prick is poking through my cloak and tunic.

Good shit, right? Here is a website where you can find more: CATULLUS! Personally, I would suggest reading 39, that's good. But it's all pretty entertaining. I think 15 and 16 are also pretty dirty. One of his poems ends with someone sticking radishes up someone else's ass. Haha.

Well, I'll catch ya later! = )

Liar

I don't know what's up with me and being so against weed and alcohol, but it's just bizarre. Honestly, in my twisted mind, opiates, speed, coke - oh that's all fine - but weed and alochol is horrible. I'm talking to Tanzen on the phone about how I don't want to be around Nina and Lauren while they're drinking and she says, "Uhh, I don't think it's as bad as what you're planning on doing!" I know, it's a fucked up logic, okay... My response to what she said was, "I'm not doing that, I'm not doing drugs, I've quit.".... haha, oh, maybe after right now. Fuck, I'm so dumb...

Halloween is more up in the air than before. I could go into the city and see Tanzen and spend the night running around the village and seeing the parade and going to Rocky Horror and having a good time. I think I'm going to go. It makes me nervous, but it's better than being alone at home.

I've been very melancholy for the past few days.... I don't have much to say. I got an A- on my last Statistics test (I know you're excited about that!) I'm also enjoying all of the good movies on television right now, the dumb halloween ones and Scariest Places on earth!

Check ya later!

Lady be good, do what you should, you know it will be alright

I can't sleep. I'm really bent out of shape. It's due to my friends. What I've come to realize is that, even if I'm not that close to people, seeing other people really fucked up on drugs or drink really bothers me. I saw Ashley the other day, high off of her ass (my guess is the first time in 4 months), smiling at me, telling me how "life is so good right now." I couldn't help but smile and say, "how many hours until life sucks again?" Her eyes were watery and blood shot, but beyond that she seemed pretty normal (ironically). But, this is really about Nina and Lauren. Nina and Lauren want to get drunk on Halloween and go trick-or-treating. I don't like drinking - in fact I kind of hate it. I have no desire to drink whatsoever, especially not coming home drunk. I hate how both of them just want to deplete their brain cells until there's nothing left. I know, I sound hypocritical. I am, but I can't help it. Weed and beer are just such a waste of a brain. All that it causes is for them to feel worse about themselves in the long run. I'm not saying that dope is far above other drugs, I just know that when I get really high on weed I hate myself, but when I'm off on the nod I don't really give a fuck. Watching someone get dependent on drugs is so much worse than you yourself getting addicted. I hate it. I feel so powerless and I just wish I could make all their pain go away, ya know? That's the thing, I can handle myself and the shit that I cause for myself, but other people, I can't deal with my friends being messed up.

I am also feeling particularly awkward and moronic lately. I can't seem to shake this feeling that I am some kind of joke. I don't know, I'm PMSing, which is just making everything a debacle. At the moment, I feel utterly hopeless and depressed and like a shit head. Come tomorrow I may feel just like Jesus' son. I think it's cause of this video of me from the show on saturday, I was listening to WWIX and so I didn't care how dumb i may have looked. But, God, did I look like a moron. That's just going to bother me now. At punk shows, I generally don't care, and now I'm going to think about it.

I just wish I could talk to people about this bull shit, and they could make it all better and just explain it all away. I wish I could tell my mother, she always makes me feel better when I'm freaking out. I can't stand all of this. I don't want to do anything, I just don't see the point, I feel suicidal, but it's just passing. That's the thing, I'm so wound up in my mind that emotions just become mental explanations. That's the only way I've ever been able to deal with shit, but turning it into explanations - it's also the only way I can have any self-control. Fuck, I just need to go back to sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day. It just has to be.

Gang Bang Island

Too many people were at my house, last night. It ended up being like a small party, I had 4 girls over and then Ned came over. And we were all chilling until Ned, Alexis, Tanzen, and I went to the show and saw WWIX and the Blackout Shoppers! *girly, high-pitched squeal* If you don't know already I have a thing for older men (well, yeah, basically the biggest crushes I have are all on guys who are approximately 20 years older than me). Before we went to the show we tried to figure out what the opposite of a cougar is, haha. Well, I have the biggest crush on Justin, who is 22 years older than me and the guitarist for WWIX. The coolest thing about him and the drummer John, as well, is that they always introduce me to everyone. I go places and I talk to them and then they'll be talking to another band and suddenly I'm being introduced "Hey, this is Lucy, she's really cool." I get this big teenage grin on my face, I love it. I'm slowly becoming a 17 year old staple of the scene, I can tell because slowly bands are recognizing me when I'm getting introduced. That's all I want, I want to be like Justin and know everyone. I was looking at their set list, and I said, "You guys aren't playing Gang Bang Island?!?!?" And Justin was like, "Oh shit guys, we've gotta play Gang Bang Island for Lucy!" So, right after Mike introduced the song, Justin grabbed the mike and said "This one's for Lucy!" I could have died. This was Alexis' first real show and I think she was a little afraid (I mean, drunken men slam dancing in a very small space can be scary, I guess). I tried to stand in front of them when we were standing at the back of the room, I guess I just wanted to protect them from a flying elbow or foot. Man, it was so much fun, I just love WWIX so much. Justin gave me a t-shirt and a record for free, and he came outside and talked to my mother. I can't explain it, it's just like when you know you've found the band for you, you stick with them and if they're cool they stick with you...

Well, I'm so overwhelmed by it and I'm thinking about just spending the day doing nothing. And that sounds lovely. = )

Portrait of sobriety

My bed is feeling warm and cozy and I'm counting down the minutes until I have to get up and get dressed so that I can get lugged out to the diagnostic place. Fuck, I hate it. Ugh, I feel bad for anyone who has to find a vein in my right arm... everyone thinks it's like a sandbox "if we keep digging we're bound to find it." I mean, well, that's always my thought, and apparently there's as well. I finished "Naked Lunch" today, man that was such a good book. The way Boroughs describes everything is like it's beautiful or something, or amazingly ugly, but either way it's impressive. I'm marked the book all up by underlining good lines. My arthritis was bad this morning when I woke up, back and knees and that kinda bullshit. The sun is coming into my room and it looks so peaceful and nice. Last night I spent with my boys: Zach and Anthony and Tyler. Zach came over to my house after school and we watched Dazed and Confused because he had never seen it. Luckily, he was one of those people who can see the humor in it, especially all the amazing lines that they say, "Do you have a joint?... Well, it'd be a lot cooler if you did." And then I dropped him off and picked up Anthony. Anthony are like a married couple, it's so funny. After we hung out at my house we went to the movies and met up with Zach, Tyler, Dan, Sam, and these two other girls. I met some people, these girls, who apparently really like my hair. Zach appeared to be chatting one of them up, so we weren't sure if we should leave him alone. And then I decided it probably wasn't the case and walked over. We all saw Max Payne, which was really really good. I had a big blue icee and ate about half of Zach's popcorn (I can finish one of those large tubes, it's like my specialty... though I do feel really sick afterwards).

I'm working on a T-shirt for Feet First, I did a basic idea on Gimp using images offline. The guy from FF (I'll just call him FF) says that he likes it but he's going to call me at 12P.M. so we can discuss angles, etc. (I thought telling me the time was kinda of funny, but I guess it makes sense). The first time I talked to FF he sounded like he was tweeking, the rapidity of what he was saying and how so many thoughts were just running out of his mouth. It was around 10:20 at night and I had spent most of my afternoon on the nod. My brain was still calm and cool and couldn't understand why he was working so fast. He kinda made my heart beat really fast, which freaked me out. I hate that, when people put me into nervous situations while I'm high and it feels like my heart is just going to beat so hard that it will pop out of my chest. I laid in bed later that night and my heart felt so loud. 

Man, I wish I could be high right now. Gotta stay sober, people are coming in today. Ned and Tanzen are coming in from NYC and Alexis is coming over. Sam may come over too. WE'RE GOING TO THE WWIX AND BLACKOUT SHOPPER SHOW!! AHHH! I'm so excited. I'm going to hug Justin as many times as I can (ugh, he's so awesome, and I'm such a 17 year old girl). Anthony and Matt may come, I'm trying to get Matt to convince his rents to drive them both. I can't wait! = )

Apparently, this guy owed Anthony some money, so he was paid in weed... I told him to sell it to this kid Ezra, who really wants to be a stoner (I've heard of worse goals). Yeah, I felt kinda bad for Anthony, he obviously just wanted money.

Okay, so I'll come back later with something interesting to say. = )